Bad days/ Good days

[NewLeaf512]

Leaf ,

 

I agree with Hope. The longer you have been involved, the longer it takes to become disentangled.

 

Recovery from any loss isn't linear , as you probably know already. Sometimes you will experience one stage of grief for a while then go back to another.

 

You are dealing with a few affair related losses simultaneously, so much more difficult.

 

Nobody can tell you how long it will last....shame there's not a shelf life on grief,eh?

 

Cheers

Poppy

 

 

Hey Poppy47!

 

 

Totally! I wish there was an algorithm where you put in the amount of time plus a factor for if you loved them and the % of future faking and it would tell you down to the hour how long it would take. At least then there is a point in time to shoot for.

[NewLeaf512]

70 days. I cant believe it made it here, I cant say it's been fun, but it has happened.

 

 

I'm struggling with some of the mechanics of being here and so I will be posting rarely if at all until I read the guidelines a few more times. I'd like to be here in a positive helpful way, and I want to be sure that is happening

 

 

day

1 for being alive

1 for kind of having a contract

1 for negotiating a car allowance

 

 

that's is. I ate ice-cream again for lunch, made a bad post, my hair looked like crap and I cut the dogs nails and hurt one of them. piss

[NewLeaf512]

I have a major final tomorrow for a job making more than I was on before and I am feeling so worthless that I may bottle it

[movingon123]

I have a major final tomorrow for a job making more than I was on before and I am feeling so worthless that I may bottle it

 

I get it.

 

I had interviews a week after my d-day and couldn't even prepare for them. It was awful. I would drive there crying the whole way, then clean my face before going in, unprepared for the questions which only made me feel more awful about myself. I had to get a job or I was in danger of losing my house. I did finally get a job, thankfully, but not before surviving many interviews.

 

Some days it is hard doing what I need to do for work. I hate what this has done to me and I can't wait for things to improve.

 

You can get through this part, and as everyone says it will get better and no one knows that better than you. You have had bigger highs and lows than most. Good luck, you can do this!

[Grapesofwrath]

There with all of you. A couple things that help me:

 

1) I journal. Every day. To remind myself of why this is the best course of action for me.

 

2) I meditate. Every day. Guided meditations using an app on my phone. Maybe it's not the highest form or the purist or whatever, but it works. It calms my mind and relaxes my body. If you keep with it, you'll be able to tap into that reservoir or relaxation any time and any where.

 

3) Spending more time with friends, even though i can't tell them about xMM. it's a distraction and it strengthens my support system, which is something we all need after the isolation of an A.

 

4) When I have the urge to break NC, I sit and think through what it would really be like. I think about how I would have to humble myself by breaking NC and eat crow. I think about how I would give him all my power. I think about how I would be betraying myself and what is best for me. sometimes I even journal out the dialogue we would have and I can see there is no good outcome of that conversation.

 

5) Last...I go one day at a time. i don't think about how I won't talk to him again EVER. I just remind myself that I won't talk to him today. Just today. then the days start to add up.

[Shinebrightforever]

NewLeaf, thinking of you and know you will have lighter days ahead. I struggled in my career this summer while trying to move on from MM...just couldn't seem to concentrate on anything except my broken heart. There were times I'd put a bogus off-site meeting on my calendar, just so I could drive around and cry. Or be dazed and not have my daze interrupted. I seriously felt I'd never, ever be the same. I felt pitiful, weak and sad and looked like absolute hell.

But.

Then the clouds started to break...just a little. The sun started to peek through. My heart started to realize it was once again beating without pain. Even if for a few minutes. It was a few minutes that meant I was healing.

You will emerge. You are wonderful, strong, smart and worthy of love. MM can't give you what you deserve. NewLeaf...I believe in you!

Hang in there.

Hug.

[NewLeaf512]

NewLeaf, thinking of you and know you will have lighter days ahead. I struggled in my career this summer while trying to move on from MM...just couldn't seem to concentrate on anything except my broken heart. There were times I'd put a bogus off-site meeting on my calendar, just so I could drive around and cry. Or be dazed and not have my daze interrupted. I seriously felt I'd never, ever be the same. I felt pitiful, weak and sad and looked like absolute hell.

But.

Then the clouds started to break...just a little. The sun started to peek through. My heart started to realize it was once again beating without pain. Even if for a few minutes. It was a few minutes that meant I was healing.

You will emerge. You are wonderful, strong, smart and worthy of love. MM can't give you what you deserve. NewLeaf...I believe in you!

Hang in there.

Hug.

 

Thanks honey. How's this for a duh moment: 11 unique firms. 64 total interview hours. 8 finals. 6 IQ test 8 physiological tests 8 back ground checks, 18 reference checks, 4 presentations, 5 capabilities tests, 1 stinky offer.

( and a partridge in a pear tree)

 

One place had 9 different people interview me and not in a panel. Really? I feel like the woman time forgot.

[NewLeaf512]

New Leaf, it doesn't do any good to beat yourself up. At the time, for whatever reason, it seemed ok. And it did to the mm, too. You now see that it wasn't, and you are doing what you can to make amends. You're not continuing it, you're not chasing him and you are no longer doing anything wrong. It's a learning experience for all involved and is life and you will be able to go on with life. You never know what is around the corner for you and you need to keep an open heart for that.

 

I just hope that your job change is truly necessary and not done out of extreme guilt. You need to move on with whatever is best for you, not for ex-mm, and if that's a job change then fine. But if it isn't, then I hope you stay.

 

 

I think I'm extra banging my head on a wall because although he tricked me at first which is when I fell for him, I eventually found out, and even though never seeing him in person certainly doesn't make me a saint, I lacked backbone, self respect and integrity and talked to him after a short hiatus and then had an EA. I mean that's so dumb

[NewLeaf512]

NewLeaf, thinking of you and know you will have lighter days ahead. I struggled in my career this summer while trying to move on from MM...just couldn't seem to concentrate on anything except my broken heart. There were times I'd put a bogus off-site meeting on my calendar, just so I could drive around and cry. Or be dazed and not have my daze interrupted. I seriously felt I'd never, ever be the same. I felt pitiful, weak and sad and looked like absolute hell.

But.

Then the clouds started to break...just a little. The sun started to peek through. My heart started to realize it was once again beating without pain. Even if for a few minutes. It was a few minutes that meant I was healing.

You will emerge. You are wonderful, strong, smart and worthy of love. MM can't give you what you deserve. NewLeaf...I believe in you!

Hang in there.

Hug.

 

 

Thanks Shining. This is the first role I've been solidly into the interview level which is at my level of experience and has better pay than before and still lets me take on "private" work. I'm really excited but, I don't want to get hopes raised yet. I know I am against 2 others. Fingers crossed!

[NewLeaf512]

I've got all the same feelings here. The whole situation was just so much more than I ever foresaw and is so sad for everyone involved. I am naive, I know that. I wish I felt comfortable telling more of my story as I think it would help me but I just can't in this public space. Suffice to say that I have seen some acceptance and I hope you do, too.

 

I hope one day you can share a bit more. I'm sure it would help you and others too.

 

I'm only in acceptance in one area which is NC which I've never been tempted to break. How did you get to acceptance?

 

(Hug)

[NewLeaf512]

I get it.

 

I had interviews a week after my d-day and couldn't even prepare for them. It was awful. I would drive there crying the whole way, then clean my face before going in, unprepared for the questions which only made me feel more awful about myself. I had to get a job or I was in danger of losing my house. I did finally get a job, thankfully, but not before surviving many interviews.

 

Some days it is hard doing what I need to do for work. I hate what this has done to me and I can't wait for things to improve.

 

You can get through this part, and as everyone says it will get better and no one knows that better than you. You have had bigger highs and lows than most. Good luck, you can do this!

 

I'm going to give it 200%. As you may have read I go to IC which I was doing pre-A. My therapist said "NewLeaf it doesn't matter if you need the money right now or not. You need structure. You need to rejoin the human race to establish the new normative. You have something to give to improve the world. It's selfish not to share it, and you can't stay home all day not showering until midday playing the piano. That's a life without purpose "

That stung a bit but he's right, so interviewing I will go.

[movingon123]

I'm going to give it 200%. As you may have read I go to IC which I was doing pre-A. My therapist said "NewLeaf it doesn't matter if you need the money right now or not. You need structure. You need to rejoin the human race to establish the new normative. You have something to give to improve the world. It's selfish not to share it, and you can't stay home all day not showering until midday playing the piano. That's a life without purpose "

That stung a bit but he's right, so interviewing I will go.

 

I'm going to answer a couple of your posts at once.

 

I also play an instrument and it has been my salvation in this. It has been the one thing I can do that really takes my mind off things as it takes so much concentration. When my kids are with their dad I can play for 2 hours straight in blissful peace, so I can understand why you'd want to do that.

 

Acceptance has had to do with that. We were both involved with an activity and I have found another way to do the same without him that gives me happiness. When I get to do that once a week I feel acceptance and happiness and it can last for a couple of days. I do think acceptance has to do with just getting your mind on something else which can be very hard. I also think I will just eventually tire of thinking like this. And maybe, just maybe, eventually I'll meet someone new (who is single!) and I will almost never think about this again.

 

You have a lot to feel good about in the way you have handled things. Your PA ended once you knew about BS, you helped your AP which benefitted his family, you have left your job partly in order stay away from him, and you have kept NC right from the beginning. I know you don't feel this and I know many BS reading this would lol, but I feel you have showed integrity.

 

I cannot say the same and it is part of why I don't share more.

 

I think your AP has been emotionally abused from your description of his m and the attachment philosophy his w has. I had never heard of that. You add that into the struggles a typically unhappily mm has in leaving his w and it is not surprising he didn't choose you. That's just my take on the little I know from your posts. I did like the sound of the advice you gave him, though - sorry he wasn't able to take it enough to heart.

 

I hope you have a good post to make soon about a job! I think that would definitely help to move you towards acceptance.

Edited September 16, 2015 by movingon123

[MuddyFootprints]

I agree with your therapist. I'd add, quit trying to sabotage yourself. You aren't worthless. Right now, you are your own worst enemy.

[NewLeaf512]

I'm going to answer a couple of your posts at once.

 

I also play an instrument and it has been my salvation in this. It has been the one thing I can do that really takes my mind off things as it takes so much concentration. When my kids are with their dad I can play for 2 hours straight in blissful peace, so I can understand why you'd want to do that.

 

Acceptance has had to do with that. We were both involved with an activity and I have found another way to do the same without him that gives me happiness. When I get to do that once a week I feel acceptance and happiness and it can last for a couple of days. I do think acceptance has to do with just getting your mind on something else which can be very hard. I also think I will just eventually tire of thinking like this. And maybe, just maybe, eventually I'll meet someone new (who is single!) and I will almost never think about this again.

 

You have a lot to feel good about in the way you have handled things. Your PA ended once you knew about BS, you helped your AP which benefitted his family, you have left your job partly in order stay away from him, and you have kept NC right from the beginning. I know you don't feel this and I know many BS reading this would lol, but I feel you have showed integrity.

 

I cannot say the same and it is part of why I don't share more.

 

I think your AP has been emotionally abused from your description of his m and the attachment philosophy his w has. I had never heard of that. You add that into the struggles a typically unhappily mm has in leaving his w and it is not surprising he didn't choose you. That's just my take on the little I know from your posts. I did like the sound of the advice you gave him, though - sorry he wasn't able to take it enough to heart.

 

I hope you have a good post to make soon about a job! I think that would definitely help to move you towards acceptance.

 

 

Thanks moving. I never wanted the job I have. I wanted to be a full time musician and trained from a young age. I can completely forget time and space and therefore as I am blessed to have a fine instrument I can play as much as I like sometimes 5 hours a day. It's very cathartic yet physical so can sleep some after. I've got to get a few hours sleep before this mega interview so have just had a zopiclone. If you want to pm me please do. I'll respond below on one therapist thing you might find interesting (hug)

[NewLeaf512]

I agree with your therapist. I'd add, quit trying to sabotage yourself. You aren't worthless. Right now, you are your own worst enemy.

 

Thanks for your post. I don't know if you read my thread (very long) so I don't blame you if you've not.

 

I disagree with sabotaging myself. I've been interviewing like crazy, piano, riding my horse, I took my elderly neighbour who I love to see Gemma Bovery and claridges for tea. I get my hair and beauty done every Sunday and walk my dogs and research case law. Please clarify.

 

My therapist said he can't diagnose ExMM or BW without test and sessions. What he did say ( I knew her personally as well) that she exhibits the strongest traits of BPD he's ever heard with what he believes are narcissistic cross traits. I had a video of a company dinner where she was present and had an episode and he was quite shock. It's likely ExMM has Stockholm Syndrome and is certainly codependent and seems to be the narcissistic supply. I represented everything he always wanted and so I actually helped the M stay together as I was the escape valve to have him feel normal. He told me he was scared because he didn't remember much of his life with her

 

My role in all this was one thing then it switched. It started me having no boundaries after my husband died. I really needed people to make me feel love and comfort ( platonic) so anyone who showed interest I let be my friend. No boundaries. Pretty horrible

ExMM went into meltdown because only one kid was left at home and BS never left him alone. I'll redact email tomorrow. I was his escape fantasy but he became obsessed, maybe I was too. Then I found out he was M went NC for a short time and being what I thought was a friend escalated because I also pick up broken birds. So he had power over me about 1000x before, after I was trying to fix the broken bird, I broke myself too.

[MuddyFootprints]

Yes, I have read most, if not all of your posts.

 

I see your progress. I also see you beating yourself up, badly. This will reflect on every aspect of your life.

 

While I don't boast your education or profile in life, I understand how self-hatred projects. It can appear almost desperate.

 

You've had more than ****-load of life projected on you. I empathize. I also recognize your strength.

 

I'm just not sure you are.

[NewLeaf512]

Yes, I have read most, if not all of your posts.

 

I see your progress. I also see you beating yourself up, badly. This will reflect on every aspect of your life.

 

While I don't boast your education or profile in life, I understand how self-hatred projects. It can appear almost desperate.

 

You've had more than ****-load of life projected on you. I empathize. I also recognize your strength.

 

I'm just not sure you are.

 

I'm not being sarcastic I want to know where/ how you see it so I can fix it

[MuddyFootprints]

Where you are beating yourself up or your strengths or both?

[NewLeaf512]

Where you are beating yourself up or your strengths or both?

 

I'm British so may be missing here.

 

I'm nsi

[NewLeaf512]

today gets a 5.5

 

 

I ate

I think I got the big job. (please god let it be true) I will know for sure Wednesday.

 

 

Therapy tomorrow, and it's not yet 4am and I am going to try to sleep whoopie

[MuddyFootprints]

Please discuss your sleep issues with your therapist, as well.

 

Both your physical and mental health depends on it.

[NewLeaf512]

Please discuss your sleep issues with your therapist, as well.

 

Both your physical and mental health depends on it.

 

 

thanks for your thought for my rest. not sure how to deal with the comments but will bring them up in therapy

[waterwoman]

Keeping my fingers crossed for the job newleaf x

[NewLeaf512]

Keeping my fingers crossed for the job newleaf x

 

 

Hi Waterwoman. Thank you for thinking of me. The best part of this particular role is I am very excited about the challenge it presents. It would be new for me.

 

 

NL

[NewLeaf512]

80 days ...