Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 17, 2015 Author Share Posted August 17, 2015 NewLeaf, after reading your back story (which was very well-written by the way) I'm wondering what you think about the idea that women who are used to a pattern of pursuing an unavailable parent are more likely to fall into affairs. I apologize sincerely if this seems like overstepping for me to draw these conclusions; I'm just curious and you are free to completely disagree with me. I am sorry you grew up with a mother who was not emotionally available to you as a child, and I wish you peace and healing; with parents, I think unfortunately the healing is a process that goes on for a lifetime. As I've learned more about affairs and emotionally unavailable men etc., I've come to wonder if this isn't some sort of childhood pattern repeating itself for me. My father was absent for a chunk of my young childhood. My mother would emotionally pull close and withdraw, over and over, for pretty much as long as I can remember. So the A could be a repetition of the "chase" for either or both of their affections. Very early on (a couple weeks in) MM told me that he was "all in," - not just in it for sex, but rather that he wanted a complete future with me. It started to cry a bit and felt overwhelmed with both happiness and helplessness. At that moment I felt more childlike than I have in years. This man was expressing a love that felt simple, pure and unconditional, because at that time he barely even knew me. My "inner child" felt like I was getting something I'd never had before. And that inner child also felt terrified because I knew it almost certainly would not come to fruition. So I'm just starting to unravel how unfortunately, for me, this felt like a repeat of childhood trauma. I did not chase ExMM he did the chasing. Of course it stems from childhood trauma. Mine is the flip side. Someone wants me! They see me! They want to get to know me! Finally! The hole in me is filled! I am loveable. This goes for friends too. I never thought before therapy that I get to choose. I can decide. Therapy saved my life. Thank you very much for your insightful and spot on post 4 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 I did not chase ExMM he did the chasing. Of course it stems from childhood trauma. Mine is the flip side. Someone wants me! They see me! They want to get to know me! Finally! The hole in me is filled! I am loveable. This goes for friends too. I never thought before therapy that I get to choose. I can decide. Therapy saved my life. Thank you very much for your insightful and spot on post That all makes sense, and I believe you when you say he did the chasing - so did my MM . I had never even entertained the thought of going after him. I think that when I talked about "the chase" in my earlier post, I was referring more to the dynamic of the affair that I got sucked into. It started to feel like some sort of quest to make everything work despite impossible odds, in the name of "love." Through the affair, I was chasing a feeling, a sense of security, a deep, unconditional love that I hadn't felt I received in childhood. I'm so glad you've had success with therapy. I've received some helpful therapy in the past although I still have work to do and I'm just starting down that road again. Looking forward to the time when I can look back on the affair and be at peace with it and all I've learned from it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 18, 2015 Author Share Posted August 18, 2015 That all makes sense, and I believe you when you say he did the chasing - so did my MM . I had never even entertained the thought of going after him. I think that when I talked about "the chase" in my earlier post, I was referring more to the dynamic of the affair that I got sucked into. It started to feel like some sort of quest to make everything work despite impossible odds, in the name of "love." Through the affair, I was chasing a feeling, a sense of security, a deep, unconditional love that I hadn't felt I received in childhood. I'm so glad you've had success with therapy. I've received some helpful therapy in the past although I still have work to do and I'm just starting down that road again. Looking forward to the time when I can look back on the affair and be at peace with it and all I've learned from it. If you can do therapy try again 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Yes, I'm doing therapy again and glad I am doing it. Unfortunately that's been a bit rocky in itself, I started with one therapist that my insurance would not cover, then switched to a different one that my insurance will cover. I liked the first one a little better and found her a bit more empowering. The new one is still quite good, but I am very sensitive to potentially being judged and I feel like there may be a bit of judgment going on (which causes me to act a little less open). How long have you been working with your therapist and how do they act towards you regarding the affair? Do you get the sense that they are non-judgmental? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dela Posted August 18, 2015 Share Posted August 18, 2015 Thank you. I am trying to feel like I am worth something. You ARE WORTH IT!!! U shouldn t think u are not worth it thru this experience. U are worth it and i bet ExMM knows this too. He is just too damn idiot!!!! Hugs 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 Today has not been one of my better days, I'm taking a sleeping tablet and passing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starbright78 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 Today has not been one of my better days, I'm taking a sleeping tablet and passing ((HUGS)) New Leaf. My day wasn't one of my better days either. I'm actually starting to get ticked off at myself that I can't seem to shake it. Let's hope tomorrow is better for us both. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 If I was a nutty person, I would be kicking him in the nuts if I ever saw exMM again. I am not a nutty person therefore I simply imagine kicking exMM in the nuts. Over and Over. Wait. .... As he told me "BS has my nuts in her handbag" I need to be kicking that bag in my imagination. Interview today. One tomorrow, one Friday and the big one Tuesday. If I cant land any of these, then I may have to go back to my old place or start doing locum work. Please kill me, Link to post Share on other sites
Dela Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 If I was a nutty person, I would be kicking him in the nuts if I ever saw exMM again. I am not a nutty person therefore I simply imagine kicking exMM in the nuts. Over and Over. Wait. .... As he told me "BS has my nuts in her handbag" I need to be kicking that bag in my imagination. Interview today. One tomorrow, one Friday and the big one Tuesday. If I cant land any of these, then I may have to go back to my old place or start doing locum work. Please kill me, Good morning. Kik that bag??? i m imagining i m somewhere in the woods and scream!!! How are u feeling on day 48?49? Day2/3 here... Good luck on your interview. Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted August 19, 2015 Share Posted August 19, 2015 If I was a nutty person, I would be kicking him in the nuts if I ever saw exMM again. I am not a nutty person therefore I simply imagine kicking exMM in the nuts. Over and Over. Wait. .... As he told me "BS has my nuts in her handbag" I need to be kicking that bag in my imagination. Interview today. One tomorrow, one Friday and the big one Tuesday. If I cant land any of these, then I may have to go back to my old place or start doing locum work. Please kill me, Best of luck with your interviews, we are all cheering you on. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 19, 2015 Author Share Posted August 19, 2015 Best of luck with your interviews, we are all cheering you on. Thanks, todays role wasn't for me. If I get it, it would simply be a desperation move Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Share Posted August 21, 2015 reporting semi decent day. Left house. 3 interviews. One kind of offer. One interview with a man who literally did not make eye contact for 90 minutes. Hot and sunny. and didn't spend more than an hour on LS all day (yet) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Dela Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 reporting semi decent day. Left house. 3 interviews. One kind of offer. One interview with a man who literally did not make eye contact for 90 minutes. Hot and sunny. and didn't spend more than an hour on LS all day (yet) Hei dear. 3 interviews. Wow. I m glad to see u are keeping yourself busy and had a better day than the other days. I hope better and sunny days are ahead of you. Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 reporting semi decent day. Left house. 3 interviews. One kind of offer. One interview with a man who literally did not make eye contact for 90 minutes. Hot and sunny. and didn't spend more than an hour on LS all day (yet) So what I am hearing is: No fewer than 7 firms jumped at the chance to interview you only to realize they needed a worker bee and you are a rockstar. They cannot not only meet your demands but can likely not even offer you satisfactorily cases. And one guy stared at your tits for 90 minutes. That's kinda a compliment no? (the last bit is a joke) (i hope) Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 21, 2015 Author Share Posted August 21, 2015 So what I am hearing is: No fewer than 7 firms jumped at the chance to interview you only to realize they needed a worker bee and you are a rockstar. They cannot not only meet your demands but can likely not even offer you satisfactorily cases. And one guy stared at your tits for 90 minutes. That's kinda a compliment no? (the last bit is a joke) (i hope) So pretty much too senior for everything am speaking to my old Head of Chambers re: tenancy on Monday. Admission: I think another reason ExMM had me so spun out is because I had a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. My chest is like a tube map of scars and I have no feeling there. Really self conscious and feel gross without a camisole on. ExMM capitalised on that showing false acceptance. So if Mr not ever going to make eye contact what his thought he was looking at was made in a factory. I also get Botox had laser hair removayy, colour my hair. I can't imagine what I look like under here! Oh also nose job but that wasn't cosmetic! Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted August 21, 2015 Share Posted August 21, 2015 Admission: I think another reason ExMM had me so spun out is because I had a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. My chest is like a tube map of scars and I have no feeling there. Really self conscious and feel gross without a camisole on. As a man, this is all in your head. Promise. ExMM capitalised on that showing false acceptance. So if Mr not ever going to make eye contact what his thought he was looking at was made in a factory. Factory made. Man made. Don't care. I have had GF's on both sides of that fence and...I don't care. Good boob jobs (I seriously couldn't tell) and those were I could...did NOT matter. I think most of that is in your head. In fact, no man will care. your late H and xMM didn't care. Promise...it doesn't matter. I also get Botox had laser hair removayy, colour my hair. I can't imagine what I look like under here! Oh also nose job but that wasn't cosmetic! So typical female - my W does the same...thread this, wax that, laser that other bit. Make this part more jiggly that one less. Sheesh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
menyou Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 Thanks for your post. I won't ever contact. The fact is I am very disappointed in myself. Its ok to be disappointed in your choices. As long as you learn from the experience. Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted August 22, 2015 Share Posted August 22, 2015 So pretty much too senior for everything am speaking to my old Head of Chambers re: tenancy on Monday. Admission: I think another reason ExMM had me so spun out is because I had a bilateral mastectomy and reconstruction. My chest is like a tube map of scars and I have no feeling there. Really self conscious and feel gross without a camisole on. ExMM capitalised on that showing false acceptance. So if Mr not ever going to make eye contact what his thought he was looking at was made in a factory. I also get Botox had laser hair removayy, colour my hair. I can't imagine what I look like under here! Oh also nose job but that wasn't cosmetic! Why are any of these things an issue? New Leaf, you do what makes YOU feel good about the way you look. Don't beat yourself up for it because it's "not natural"! All celebrities do all of those things and more as they age. I am not "for" or "against" cosmetic enhancements, I am for each woman choosing what makes her feel good, and not apologizing for it for a second. So glad to hear you left the house and are doing better. Great job!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 Today is one of the days where I can see how someone could just go off the rails an give up. I feel totally worthless Link to post Share on other sites
lookingforclosure Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Believe me...i'm with ya on that one. Today has been a horrible day, I have wanted to text him so bad. But I have NOT Link to post Share on other sites
thebutterflyeludesme Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Today is one of the days where I can see how someone could just go off the rails an give up. I feel totally worthless You are not worthless. Each day it going to have varying degrees of difficulty. Tomorrow will be better. Today has been difficult for me because I woke up to a text from exMM's wife telling me that he added me back to his contacts in his phone. I have no idea if this is true or not as I can see her making stuff up just to gauge my reaction. I told her that he has not contacted me and I haven't contacted him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Fortunesfool 79 Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Today is one of the days where I can see how someone could just go off the rails an give up. I feel totally worthless Same here....I feel sick. Got the job I wanted and all I want to do is lay in bed, put a pillow over my face and scream. Made myself get up and go to the gym but just sitting here in the parking lot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
movingon123 Posted August 24, 2015 Share Posted August 24, 2015 Hang in there, New Leaf! Just get through each day. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 When I came here thinking my A was different and special I quickly got brought down a peg and enlightened that nope, just garden variety cheating. I'm a garden variety mistress and slut. I hurt so many people including myself and I brought shame on my own head and on my proffresion I deserve to disappear Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted August 24, 2015 Author Share Posted August 24, 2015 I don't want to be here any more . And to anyone who thinks the OW is a soul-less machine of destruction.... In this case it's not true Link to post Share on other sites
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