Author deadelvis Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 And did my explanation that she MAY NOT REMEMBER - or is UNABLE TO RELIVE WHAT OCCURRED - mean anything to you? You may not remember the names of the 50 guys who you had sex with at once, but you remember that you had sex with 50 guys at once. That's the difference between details and "the bigger picture". I'm not asking her to walk me through every sexual encounter she ever had, or to "relive" her past sex life. I just want her to tell me the truth. She remembers. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 My agenda at this point is to get one single person on this forum to agree that you should share your sexual history with your partner, especially anything out of the ordinary like prostitution, working in porn or doing orgies. If your gf is unwilling to do so, what will you do? Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 My agenda at this point is to get one single person on this forum to agree that you should share your sexual history with your partner, especially anything out of the ordinary like prostitution, working in porn or doing orgies. And after three separate threads, since no one has done so, is that not a sign that what you are asking for is unreasonable? This is just baffling to me. How could anyone consider hiding this type of information to be anything but a massive betrayal? Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 You have to accept that your partner is withholding major secrets about her life and continue forward as though everything is okay... That is not healthy or fair. It may or may not be. *Odd* that you deliberately did a hatchet number on that quote to conveniently remove the fact that you do have another option: terminate the relationship due to its inability to deliver what YOU expect of it. You want your cake AND it, too. *It* doesn't work that way. If you're old enough to be IN a relationship, then you're old enough to understand that. You've already admitted and acknowledged that she's a broken human being over her already-revealed sexual past, as is evidenced by her drug usage and psychological problems, alone. You simply want ALL the low-down dirty details so you can use them to further break her. If this were not the case, you wouldn't be soooooo obsessed about it and you wouldn't feign such disgust over an unacceptable magical number of sex partners/an unacceptable magic deplorable sex act which would *suddenly* make her unacceptable relationship material. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 This is just baffling to me. How could anyone consider hiding this type of information to be anything but a massive betrayal? What you see as "massive betrayal" is seen by others as "privacy." We can - at this point - agree to disagree that you have an entirely different worldview of such things. Look, we all know you aren't going to stay with this girl forever. And maybe she sees the writing on the wall as well - hence an additional reluctance to divulge information to someone that won't be in her life long enough for it to matter. If someone I was dating was badgering me, I would know instinctively that he was not going to be "the one" and I would guard my privacy that much more. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 You may not remember the names of the 50 guys who you had sex with at once, but you remember that you had sex with 50 guys at once. That's the difference between details and "the bigger picture". I'm not asking her to walk me through every sexual encounter she ever had, or to "relive" her past sex life. I just want her to tell me the truth. She remembers. YOU: OK, have you had an orgy with 50 guys at once. Her: No YOU: 40? Her: No YOU: 30 then? Her: No. YOU: 20? Her: No. YOU: NOT 10? Her: No YOU: Surely 5? Her: No YOU: Threesome? Her: Yes YOU: I don't believe you, you're lying... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 This is just baffling to me. How could anyone consider hiding this type of information to be anything but a massive betrayal? I'll whole-heartedly give you what you want after three threads of not getting it: You are 100% correct: it IS a massive betrayal to deliberately withhold this type of information. You, OP, have every right to terminate such a relationship with such a person who is doing such. But, that's not what you want; you want the right to continue with this relationship with this person and make her share this information with you. You don't. You have no right to make anyone do anything. Period. You're old enough to know that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 If your gf is unwilling to do so, what will you do? I'm not sure. For now I'll wait. Maybe eventually she will decide to tell me the truth. Or maybe the truth will come out in some other way. I don't know. But I won't be taking things any further until either the truth comes out or I come to the conclusion that she's been (relatively) honest about her life. I'm not going to accidentally marry a hooker. No thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 I'll whole-heartedly give you what you want after three threads of not getting it: You are 100% correct: it IS a massive betrayal to deliberately withhold this type of information. You, OP, have every right to terminate such a relationship with such a person who is doing such. But, that's not what you want; you want the right to continue with this relationship with this person and make her share this information with you. You don't. You have no right to make anyone do anything. Period. You're old enough to know that. What I want is to continue the relationship and have her been honest with me in all aspects of our lives. That includes telling me the truth about her past, without me having to ask about it. Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 You simply want ALL the low-down dirty details so you can use them to further break her. THIS is the motive that exudes from every post. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
mrldii Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 What I want is to continue the relationship and have her been honest with me in all aspects of our lives. Three threads later and by your own writing she's not doing that nor is she going to do that. Now, YOU need to be the person of integrity which you expect - nay, demand! - of the woman you will be with and terminate the relationship. If you truly believe 'a relationship should be based on honesty in all aspects' and at least one party is NOT doing that, then by your own writing you have no choice but to end it. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I'm not going to accidentally marry a hooker. No thanks. I thought you already knew she was an escort? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 THIS is the motive that exudes from every post. That's what you want to hear. That's not at all what I've been saying. What I have been saying repeatedly is it's not the details that I'm concerned about. It's the major secrets I think she's withholding. But after saying that 5 times you didn't get it so I don't know why you would get it this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 I thought you already knew she was an escort? Her story is that she was an escort for about a month and only had sex with one customer. If that's true it doesn't bother me. But if she was an escort for years and had sex with hundreds/thousands of customers, that would bother me. Are you starting to get the "bigger picture" yet? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 That's what you want to hear. That's not at all what I've been saying. What I have been saying repeatedly is it's not the details that I'm concerned about. It's the major secrets I think she's withholding. But after saying that 5 times you didn't get it so I don't know why you would get it this time. Have you ever considered these "major secrets" are merely a product of your own fertile imagination? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 THIS is the motive that exudes from every post. That's so true. He has already indicated that her past is unacceptable to him. He has disparaged her several times on this site. Instead of leaving her alone, he wants more information to use to against her. She's right to not tell him anything. Not only is it none of his business, why give a person a stick to beat you with? Maintaining what's left of her privacy and getting away from this guy as quickly as possible are the best things she can do for herself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 Have you ever considered these "major secrets" are merely a product of your own fertile imagination? I hope so. I really do hope so. But I doubt it. I've dated other women with a checkered past, and they were always very blunt and honest about their lives. I never found myself questioning their honesty, or asking questions about their past. It was never an issue with any other women. We would joke about being "sluts" and have a laugh about it. Yet with my current partner things aren't like that. She's very mysterious and guarded about her past, and when she talks about her life, things just don't add up. Everything about her behavior suggests she's hiding something major. And all indications thus far indicate it's something to do with her sexual history. I've narrowed it down to a period of time when she lived in LA between about 23-26 years old. I don't know what she's hiding, but whenever things from that period of her life come up in conversation she quickly changes the topic and avoids any details about where she lived, with who, what she did for a living etc. I have a strong suspicion she was involved in something she really doesn't want me to find out about. And I honestly believe that not only will she never tell me, but she will go to any lengths to hide the truth from me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 That's so true. He has already indicated that her past is unacceptable to him. He has disparaged her several times on this site. Instead of leaving her alone, he wants more information to use to against her. She's right to not tell him anything. Not only is it none of his business, why give a person a stick to beat you with? Maintaining what's left of her privacy and getting away from this guy as quickly as possible are the best things she can do for herself. You don't know me or her. You have no idea what our relationship is like. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 (edited) I'm not sure. For now I'll wait. Maybe eventually she will decide to tell me the truth. Or maybe the truth will come out in some other way. I don't know. But I won't be taking things any further until either the truth comes out or I come to the conclusion that she's been (relatively) honest about her life. I'm not going to accidentally marry a hooker. No thanks. You are getting very good insight and solid advice from posters. They are really sticking it out with you despite your difficulty. I hear you, you don't know what you will do, this is something for some reason you have not processed. You will be under less personal duress if you begin to consider that the information you 'need' will never be available to you. Even consider that you already have been given enough information but that you are not willing to accept it as the whole truth. I agree with others that it is time for you to walk away. You are latched on with ambiguous conditions to your relationship. You are obsessed and it is not healthy and hurting you and undoubtedly her as well. This is not a relationship to continue to pursue and put energy into, it is very dysfunctional and both of you will be happier people apart. I hope that you are willing to consider the good advice been given and quite frankly deadelvis, a real sharing of very personal experiences from several posters that can be very helpful to you. Edited July 30, 2015 by Timshel Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 You are getting very good insight and solid advice from posters. They are really sticking it out with you despite your difficulty. I hear you, you don't know what you will do, this is something for some reason you have not processed. You will be under less personal duress if you begin to consider that the information you 'need' will never be available to you. Even consider that you already have been given enough information but that you are not willing to accept it as the whole truth. I agree with others that it is time for you to walk away. You are latched on with ambiguous conditions to your relationship. You are obsessed and it is not healthy and hurting you and undoubtedly her as well. This is not a relationship to continue to pursue and put energy into, it is very dysfunctional and both of you will be happier people apart. I hope that you are willing to consider the good advice been given and quite frankly deadelvis, a real sharing of very personal experiences from several posters that can be very helpful to you. But I just can't walk away based on a suspicion. I need real proof that she's consistently lying before I can break up with her. I would be a fool to leave someone based on a hunch. Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 I just find it difficult to accept what everyone is saying... Your partner could have been Charles Manson before you started dating and not only is it none of your business, but they have no responsibility to tell you. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I just find it difficult to accept what everyone is saying... Your partner could have been Charles Manson before you started dating and not only is it none of your business, but they have no responsibility to tell you. There is a huge difference between the implications of dating a Charles Manson type and someone who may have been a porn star or a prostitute? Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 There is a huge difference between the implications of dating a Charles Manson type and someone who may have been a porn star or a prostitute? Sure. I agree... but Don't you think doing gangbangs, or having been a porn star or prostitute is something a partner deserves to know about before getting seriously involved? Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted July 30, 2015 Share Posted July 30, 2015 I just find it difficult to accept what everyone is saying... Your partner could have been Charles Manson before you started dating and not only is it none of your business, but they have no responsibility to tell you. You are correct, they do not. Make an effort to accept this simple truth. Your girlfriend is obligated to tell you zip. Find a woman who shares your unwavering belief in transparency. Take some time for self reflection first. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author deadelvis Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 You are correct, they do not. Make an effort to accept this simple truth. Your girlfriend is obligated to tell you zip. Find a woman who shares your unwavering belief in transparency. Take some time for self reflection first. What a load of garbage. No wonder the world is going to ****. Everyone thinks it's perfectly okay to keep secrets from your partner, hide anything you aren't proud of and lie about the past. What a cowardly way to live your life. I hope anyone who actually believes that gets karmic retribution in the form of a husband who lies about his time in prison, history with prostitutes and sexual fetish for underage midgets. Elvis has left the building. Link to post Share on other sites
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