Random vents by OW...sorry

[Redheaded Mistress]

Arguing with a cheater is like arguing with a drunk.

Foreign words to them.

Honor

Respect

Dignity

Vows

 

This one is who she is. And so is Red. They wont change.

 

In one ear and out the other, dude. I'm married to my AP, now husband, happily and have been with him for nearly 10 years. Neither of us has cheated on each other, our marriage is perfectly normal. I am most likely the most honest and forthright person you will ever meet.

 

I do agree, neither my husband (the guy I had an affair with) and I have changed. We are at our core honest people who are generally good. We have flaws and we make and have made mistakes, I'll be the first to list them off if you're keen to know what else you can add to your analysis above. I'm not going to march around here like my crap doesn't stink.

 

But, at the end of the day, I know who I am and I've learned from where I've been. I also know better than to judge the whole of a stranger's life and values based off of one incident that is basically a small blink of time in their existence.

 

There are those who really try to make a difference. Really try to tell someone they are hurting others, that what they are doing is wrong on a fundamental level. That loving someone is not hurting someone.

 

If you think loving somebody isn't hurting them, you are living in a Disney movie. Most of the greatest hurts of your life, intentional hurts, are going to be put on you by somebody you love. People you don't care about, or at least hold your respect or some level of authority in your life, simply aren't capable of inflicting those big hurts... They are too inconsequential to really impact you.

 

Heck, the "you have to tell them you cheated" theory proves that. By your theory of if you loved them you wouldn't hurt them, so by telling them something you know will hurt, ie, that you cheated, you must not really love them.

 

Then you have the deceivers that whispers in the ear. Tells them its not their fault. Go ahead, you wont get caught. Keep on lying for the children. His feelings are not important. These people have no honor and simply only care for themselves and thats the advice they give. And people like this OP listen and thank them for the advice.

 

Tell me where I said ir wasn't her fault, his feelings don't matter, the kids don't matter, or any of it. I never said it or even implied it. I didnt even tell her she should or shouldn't come clean, only that she needs to think very carefully about what she wants and what she's doing before acting on any advice. A rational bit of advice as, when this thread started, she was full of self-loathing and wanted to end it all and reconcile with the husband, now she's considering divorce and isn't happy. One should talk out their stance and what they want in situations like this, no? I know I didn't and life was way harder than it needed to be until I did.

 

Truth is Ive said none of what you claim I said, neither did she. You see what you want to see, hear what you want to hear. The reality is this... You don't have a horse in the race, you don't know her from Adam, you don't know the kids, you don't know the dynamic of their marriage, how he wI'lwill act, how she feels, or any of it. You and others have freely told her how she should feel, why she's right if she does feel that way, why she's awful if she doesnt, but lets be real... You have nothing to go on other than what you've heard the OP say, what you've projected onto her via your own opinions, flavored by your highly specific situation, and what you would want if you were in the situation. You have declared that a universal want that all must also want... And even one step further, how those who don't live up to what you would want should it be you is now a universal failure.

 

That is not how this situation works.

 

This is who they are and who they will always be. Always pray that you never marry one of these.

 

The unworthy

 

Anybody would be lucky to have me, and her too I suspect. I pray that some random nobody who knows nothing substantial about you doesn't try to flush who you are down the toilet because they don't happen to like a mistake or a challenge you had in your life. Maybe put down the gavel a minute to realize you are being nasty to a woman who's struggling and another woman who gave the very neutral advice of "sort out your life and figure out what's best for you after some serious, hard introspection" for no real reason other than your own personal issues that you need to work through.

[jbrent890]

No, I don't get this idea that you're doing somebody a favor or somehow being less narcissistic by sharing you had an affair simply because the ever subjective and undefinable "most people" would want to know. What "most people" would want really doesn't mean much if the person's partner, the one involved, wouldn't want to know. Or, better yet, if we were honest and said that while most people say they would want to know if their spouse was cheating, an overwhelming majority would most likely also say that they don't ever want to hear their spouse has cheated. Considering most people don't wait for the day their spouse says "FYI, had an affair" with baited breath, saying that one must or should tell they had an affair is the best thing to do would be clearly wrong.

 

If the spouse has an inkling, it has come up, or you're dealing with a safety issue, a life change issue (ie, you're pregnant, you're about to be fired, etc), or things of that nature... Obviously, don't be a jerk. Let them know. You're doing no favors ro anybody by keeping it to yourself.

 

But if nobody knows, nobody has a clue, you're done, you're staying and you've re-invested yourself, or alternatively, you're leaving and that's it and final... What you're looking at is a situation where you dealing with your own demons alone is it's own soul eating punishment. No need to drag along anybody else because it won't make you or them feel better. You're not being selfless by telling them, you're again putting your needs before theirs, trotting your issues before them, and seeking some sort of twisted satisfaction in being able to say "at least I was honest."

 

Whoopdie do for honesty on that front. It was a bit too little, a bit too late, certainly isn't a point of consolation for the BS, and now you've lumped your plate of dog crap onto their lap so you can both be miserable.

 

I think there is clearly a benefit in some cases to just be honest and tell the truth. Just like I think there are plenty of situations where you could admit your mistakes to yourself, deal with a situation you created for yourself by yourself, and none is the wiser. This whole "I love you so much I had to rock your world and tell you how dishonest I was to show you how honest and good I am" bit I just do not buy. For some it's continued selfishness. For others, a total disconnect on how this will impact their partners. For others, it's a great way to project their situation on others and watch the fallout.

 

The overreaching solution is to let people gauge their own situations and figure out what's best. Like I said, there is no black-and-white, one size fit's all solution here. If there was, this wouldn't be a debate.

 

Isn't whats best what the BS would want? So you are saying even if the BS would want to know, they don't deserve the information because it would screw with their happiness. Give me break. If the WS was so concerned over the BS's well-being, they wouldn't have cheated in the first place. Not to mention, the end goal of cheating is to screw around on your partner and not get caught. Most cheaters never plan on confessing in the first place, so I find the argument of not confessing to protect people involved very insulting and yes, narcissistic. Your using mental gymnastics to try to find nobility in an action that was planned from the start. I guess the BSs who found out years later that they were cheated on should be thanking their partners for giving them a few extra years of happiness.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Isn't whats best what the BS would want? So you are saying even if the BS would want to know, they don't deserve the information because it would screw with their happiness. Give me break. If the WS was so concerned over the BS's well-being, they wouldn't have cheated in the first place. Not to mention, the end goal of cheating is to screw around on your partner and not get caught. Most cheaters never plan on confessing in the first place, so I find the argument of not confessing to protect people involved very insulting and yes, narcissistic. Your using mental gymnastics to try to find nobility in an action that was planned from the start. I guess the BSs who found out years later that they were cheated on should be thanking their partners for giving them a few extra years of happiness.

 

This is where the logic of "you have to tell, no matter what" always falls on it's face. Somebody inevitably trots out the "well you can't say you aren't telling the BS to not hurt their feelings, because if you really cared, you wouldn't have cheated" arguement. This implies that either a, because you did something you know will hurt them that you shouldn't care if you hurt them again so telling shouldn't be a big deal, b, that because you did something you know will hurt them that you're now obligated to continue hurting them by telling them you cheated, or c, because you did something hurtful you can at no time realize it was hurtful and want to discontinue the hurt and protect them, because your really not telling them because your a sel fish narcisist. In all scenatios above, there is no winning... As a cheater you either don't care if you hurt others, enjoy hurting others, or have to continue hurting others, because, hey, it's what you do as a cheater. Thus, you have no reason to not tell... You are a narcissist who enjoys hurting the BS.

 

Then it sounds less like "you need to tell them because it's the right thing to do" and more "you need to tell them because you're a cheater who needs to get their punishment for being such an awful human being." Nowhere in there is factored in anything else as a variable beyond a "you need to pay" mentality.

 

At the end of the day, she will be the only one who can judge what's right and what's wrong to tell, what her husband would or wouldn't want to know, and what the kids would or wouldn't want to know. So she had an affair, which is hurtful. It doesn't mean she wants to continue hurting him or is obligated to do so by telling him when she believes the best scenario is to keep it to herseld.

 

Too many people read threads like this and hammer home that the BS needs to be told, just so they can wander back and look at the charred remains of a marriage and huck out a few self-satisfied "I told you so's" and "that's what you get." It should make any poster take the ultimatum of "tell or be a crappy person forever" declarations that are chucked around here so freely with a grain of salt.

[DKT3]

It's about as selfless to confess to an affair in a situation where you don't have to as it is to go up and shoot your partner in the face and announce "now you know I'm capable of shooting you in the face and you can now decide if you really want to stay with me or not. Aren't you grateful? Aren't I wonderful for thinking of you and your needs?"

 

I'd say there's a pretty decent split of people who advocate yelling the truth is equally spread amongst people with sociopathic tendencies who truly believe that they are great people for inflicting pain on others and the others who suggest it because they enjoy the drama it brings to the boards as they watch a marriage implode... With a healthy sprinkling of those who enjoy watching a cheater and thus "the enemy" get "what's coming to them."

 

There is zero logic behind saying the kids will be screwed up forever when they find out... So you'd better go tell them and get it out there because it's what's best, it's what's honorable, and they'll appreciate it. If it will screw them up and ruin them, then clearly, telling them isn't the best thing to do, is it? It certainly isn't selfless... It's admitting it'll hurt them and telling them anyway because it "pulls off your mask," which is both a lie and self-serving, selfish, and, as I said above, truly a sociopathic trait if done out of a belief their pain somehow makes you more honest.

 

The pain isn't in confessing, its in the cheating....that is basic common sense. Confessing is a step towards taking ownership and looking to live an authenic life with or without the marriage.

 

The kids: again owning your sh*t doesn't cause the pain, putting your selfish needs and not having impulse control is what caused the pain. In the OP's case then pain for the kids will come from the knowledge that their mother used them to help her betray their father and family.

 

Its this line of thinking from people who are suppose to have learned from infidelity that worries me, "its not the cheating that's the problem, its the spouse finding out" yeah I think I get it now.

[m.snow]

This is her real life. You have no way of knowing if people are better off in the long run and the revelation of an affair will help the cheater heal, or the people they cheated on heal, for that matter.

 

Are we really going to argue they're better off knowing when their spouse could have done a 180 or filed for a divorce and moved on without vomiting guilt on their BS?

 

So just announcing that "the truth will set you free" means you tell all and stand back and bask in your absolution, as opposed to the truth being you shut your fool mouth and deal with your bull on your own because the people around you couldn't cope... It's just very black-qnd-white.

 

At the end of the day, you're a random person on the internet.

 

Yes I am a random person,but so are you. i know you not and i know her not. but by chance we came upon this forum to share and partake in each others experiences.

 

I'm not saying you follow everything i preach, but to just hear me out.

 

People who cheat on a serial basis are not healed by a cheating revelation, and this board is littered with people who are months, years, even decades into dwelling on an affair like it happened yesterday.

As you said there are a lot of BS on this forum. That speaks that BS here have experience. No two are the same but lessons can be learned.

 

Redheaded Mistress, we also value your experiences and as we read them we learn to.

 

 

Heck, let's go ask anybody who's been killed by their BS if they feel telling the truth "helped them heal."

 

You don't know if saying she should say something could be the catalyst to totally ruining her life, her husband's life, her kids life, the AP and his family's life, and being a headline on the news... You just don't know.

 

 

This is Fear paralyzing you! Fear causing in action.

 

You let "FEAR" Dictate you & Control you from doing whats Right.

She knows her husband better than anybody else. And as she describe her husband is not a violent man.

 

Now now Not every Man is Violent "Thats over generalization!"

 

A great man once said;

never, never be afraid to do what's right especially if the well-being of a person is at stake.

society's punishments are small compared to wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way.

-Martin Luther King

Edited August 2, 2015 by m.snow

[Mr. Lucky]

Nothing especially selfless in admitting you did something to somebody in an attempt to make yourself feel better. How many people here say the revelation of an affair blindsided them and they never saw it coming? And are we going to pretend that blindside is better than admitting you screwed up to yourself, reinvesting in your marriage, and not taking that extra step of pretending you did the world a favor in heaping your guilt on somebody else's shoulders for a supposed "fresh start?"

 

Not that it seems to matter to you, but here's the additional burden non-disclosure puts on a BS:

 

Very few WS (OP included) emerge from a LTA unmarked. So the BS, already victimized by the affair, get's the additional challenge of living with a grieving, resentful, moody and detached spouse pining for their AP. And the opportunity to blame themselves for their partner's mysterious half-empty take on both life and their marriage.

 

Insult added to injury...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Shinebrightforever]

I wish I could reply to everyone personally, but instead...I'll do my best in one post.

I had to put myself in my H shoes, and I would want a confession if I were my H. But if he was indifferent towards me, and lacked remorse...then spare me the intense heartache and let's just go our separate ways. But maybe, just possibly, confession could be used as a tool towards a new beginning together, where we both could trust one another and prevent future infidelities...then confession is the only way. In order for us to make a go of it..it has to be balanced, we have to be seen as equals, I need to get this garbage out of my freekin soul so he can truly know me, know our marriage. Even if I know this is wrong...it has changed me in huge ways, and I'll never be the same person that he married. Can't tell you how many times I have thought of my son marrying someone like me and how I'd want so much better for him. Of course I should want better for my H too, even if that person can't be me.

But, I also have to go here too...maybe it'll help someone. When this A started. It was a wonderful solution to a bad marriage. When my AP and I started being nice to one another and it was strictly an EA, I was an overall different person. I started lifting weights again, I was joking around more, waking up with a spring in my step...if someone bleached my new shirt, it wasn't a big deal..I was in candy land...emerald city....and nothing could bring me down. Some important things were being met in my life, it felt splendid. It was Immediate satisfaction and day to day benefit without the guilt since we weren't physical.

As you know, it turned physical...but we did not have full sex for well over 2 years into our A. Sex was when guilt entered...and it hit us hard. We have prob attempted stopping the PA 12 times. EA...never, until this Nc period. The kid thing...using them as pawns as some say. Has been only when we thought the PA part of us was over, never to go back. Under the friend label, no longer romantic label.

Yes we sucked at sticking to it.

My point? Very few people, if any, go to bed in judgement on infidelity one night, only to wake up the next morning desiring their LTA. It's the small, seemingly innocent at first...decisions that slowly erode. That change you. That make you someone you can no longer recognize. It's putting way too much hope in self will, determination, and guts to believe you can control it...not ever letting it get out of hand. It's believing the lie that you can always get out when necessary. It's having too much pride to reach out for help. It's believing that my H is fine and likes this happier me. Seriously. Because those are the things that justified me continuing...and led to the big, not innocent decisions.

It only takes a spark to get an inferno.

For those of you who have been kind to me...thank you. For those who have not...that's fine.

There's a lot on this thread I need to read when it's NOT 2am.

[AlwaysGrowing]

This is where the logic of "you have to tell, no matter what" always falls on it's face. Somebody inevitably trots out the "well you can't say you aren't telling the BS to not hurt their feelings, because if you really cared, you wouldn't have cheated" arguement. This implies that either a, because you did something you know will hurt them that you shouldn't care if you hurt them again so telling shouldn't be a big deal, b, that because you did something you know will hurt them that you're now obligated to continue hurting them by telling them you cheated, or c, because you did something hurtful you can at no time realize it was hurtful and want to discontinue the hurt and protect them, because your really not telling them because your a sel fish narcisist. In all scenatios above, there is no winning... As a cheater you either don't care if you hurt others, enjoy hurting others, or have to continue hurting others, because, hey, it's what you do as a cheater. Thus, you have no reason to not tell... You are a narcissist who enjoys hurting the BS.

 

Then it sounds less like "you need to tell them because it's the right thing to do" and more "you need to tell them because you're a cheater who needs to get their punishment for being such an awful human being." Nowhere in there is factored in anything else as a variable beyond a "you need to pay" mentality.

 

At the end of the day, she will be the only one who can judge what's right and what's wrong to tell, what her husband would or wouldn't want to know, and what the kids would or wouldn't want to know. So she had an affair, which is hurtful. It doesn't mean she wants to continue hurting him or is obligated to do so by telling him when she believes the best scenario is to keep it to herseld.

 

Too many people read threads like this and hammer home that the BS needs to be told, just so they can wander back and look at the charred remains of a marriage and huck out a few self-satisfied "I told you so's" and "that's what you get." It should make any poster take the ultimatum of "tell or be a crappy person forever" declarations that are chucked around here so freely with a grain of salt.

 

 

Unprotected sex with both partners is where the line in the sand is drawn as bold as all get out.

 

One does NOT have the right to force their own sexual risk taking onto an unsuspecting person.

 

 

It is tantamount to sexual abuse to blantantly force another to assume the risks unwittingly.

 

It is as simple as that.

[m.snow]

I'm married to my AP, now husband, happily and have been with him for nearly 10 years. Neither of us has cheated on each other, our marriage is perfectly normal.

 

There in lays the truth! Alas finally a conclusion we have come into an impasse.

And neither you nor your partner cheat on each other.

 

You are happy where you are not because of your affair but because you married the right person.

 

being happily married to the right person. and not cheating on each other.

would you not wish the same for her, would not wish the same for her husband.

would you not wish the same for all

 

I could not put my mind, why redheaded mistress. would not support a divorce or telling the truth.

Edited August 2, 2015 by m.snow

[66Charger]

Anybody would be lucky to have me, and her too I suspect.

 

You mean like the guy who is helping raising her children?

The lucky guy who pays the mortgage?

The lucky guys who follishly thinks they are just freinds?

The guy who by definition is her HUSBAND?

 

IS HE lucky? Wow. Delusion

 

I pray that some random nobody who knows nothing substantial about you doesn't try to flush who you are down the toilet because they don't happen to like a mistake or a challenge you had in your life. Maybe put down the gavel a minute to realize you are being nasty to a woman who's struggling

 

Unless i misread, 2 days ago she was struggling OVER THE LOSS OF HER AP. She is using her husband. Stop trying to SHIFT SHAME. . You twist things, because your logic really thinks ANYONE would be lucky to have you or the OP. Even if you both lie and cheat.

 

No thank you..mam

 

Twisted.

 

Save your prayers. I do not fear anyones opinion. And I have no Scarlet Letter to flush down the toilet. You speak and defend those who you identify with as it is your right to do so but dont try to "shame" me with your boo hooo, poor woman crap. I was taught differently then you. I will not say what is wrong is right or "shades of grey" I started off believing she could regain her honor. But by her own words, she will continue to lie and use her husband.

 

I write what I write, because thats who I am, and obviously, you write who you are... Mistress.

Edited August 2, 2015 by 66Charger

[Sassy Girl]

Unless i misread, 2 days ago she was struggling OVER THE LOSS OF HER AP. She is using her husband. Stop trying to SHIFT SHAME. . You twist things, because your logic really thinks ANYONE would be lucky to have you or the OP. Even if you both lie and cheat.

 

No thank you..mam

 

Twisted.

 

Save your prayers. I do not fear anyones opinion. And I have no Scarlet Letter to flush down the toilet. You speak and defend those who you identify with as it is your right to do so but dont try to "shame" me with your boo hooo, poor woman crap. I was taught differently then you. I will not say what is wrong is right or "shades of grey" I started off believing she could regain her honor. But by her own words, she will continue to lie and use her husband.

 

I write what I write, because thats who I am, and obviously, you write who you are... Mistress.

Yes I was curious about that too....

 

That she still identifies as the mistress, despite 10 years of marriage.

[Radu]

How Do Affairs Affect Children?|Affairs effects on Children | About Affairs

 

Congrats on spending time with each other's kids.

That's going to be interesting.

[Shinebrightforever]

Unless i misread, 2 days ago she was struggling OVER THE LOSS OF HER AP. She is using her husband. Stop trying to SHIFT SHAME. . You twist things, because your logic really thinks ANYONE would be lucky to have you or the OP. Even if you both lie and cheat.

 

No thank you..mam

 

Twisted.

 

Save your prayers. I do not fear anyones opinion. And I have no Scarlet Letter to flush down the toilet. You speak and defend those who you identify with as it is your right to do so but dont try to "shame" me with your boo hooo, poor woman crap. I was taught differently then you. I will not say what is wrong is right or "shades of grey" I started off believing she could regain her honor. But by her own words, she will continue to lie and use her husband.

 

I write what I write, because thats who I am, and obviously, you write who you are... Mistress.

 

what the heck 66charger?

[Shinebrightforever]

66charger...

I would like to know what word those were that makes you think I can't/won't regain my honor...and will continue to use my H.

Remember, I'm ending my A-even though I feel it already is. I'm going to ensure it.

I believe in confessing.

Have you skipped my recent posts??

Ouch.

[m.snow]

Shinebrightforever if you look at Redheaded Mistress case she divorced or was divorced by her husband.

 

She lives a happy life now with a new husband who used to be the AP.

 

But the key point there is that they divorced their respective partners.

By divorcing there respective partners they set themselves and their partners free.

 

Redheaded Mistress found happiness in an honest marriage post affair.

The Key word "honest". She said they had not cheated on each other for 10 yrs.

they have been happy for 10 yrs.

 

with that in mind this shows she does prefer an honest relationship without cheating.

 

Why not wish for this happy honest relationship both to you and your husband?

[m.snow]

Also about confessing, If you confess to the affair It would show that you have recovered a level of integrity and trust.

 

But getting being discovered. Respect would be totally lost. It would be more difficult to Reconcile. And may even lead to nasty & difficult D.

Edited August 2, 2015 by m.snow

[Redheaded Mistress]

The pain isn't in confessing, its in the cheating....that is basic common sense. Confessing is a step towards taking ownership and looking to live an authenic life with or without the marriage.

 

The kids: again owning your sh*t doesn't cause the pain, putting your selfish needs and not having impulse control is what caused the pain. In the OP's case then pain for the kids will come from the knowledge that their mother used them to help her betray their father and family.

 

Its this line of thinking from people who are suppose to have learned from infidelity that worries me, "its not the cheating that's the problem, its the spouse finding out" yeah I think I get it now.

 

That's like saying that guns don't kill you, bullets do. Of course there's pain in confessing, both in the person confessing and the person hearing the confession. If there wasn't, then everybody would tell and we wouldn't have this conversation.

 

Same with the kids, the pain comes from the confession and the action. If they have no idea because you don't tell them, then there's neither pain from the action or the confession.

 

I'm not saying that the cheating isn't causing the hurt, but come on... It's dishonesty at it's highest to say that confessing it doesn't cause a problem, especially if nobody knew about the cheating. It's ridiculously selfish to look at a person who has no idea what's going on, no clue about the cheating, and saying "I cheated and I'm telling you so I can 'ownership and looking to live an authentic life.'"

 

Anybody with two IQ points to rub together would see that confession is selfish and self-serving, not some sort of grand gesture to help out the BS. It's you feeling better about yourself by revealing something you know will hurt so that you will feel better. It's no different than having an affair because it makes you feel better... You're putting you, your needs before that of somebody else and really couldn't care less.

 

Why people insist on spinning it that way is beyond me. Like I said, I think some people on here are just so ingrained with the idea that a cheating spouse needs to be punished that they can't help themselves in saying this is what HAS to happen, as opposed to taking a step back and saying "maybe telling isn't right in this situation."

[Redheaded Mistress]

Yes I am a random person,but so are you. i know you not and i know her not. but by chance we came upon this forum to share and partake in each others experiences.

 

I'm not saying you follow everything i preach, but to just hear me out.

 

I've heard you out and I've answered why it may be a bad idea. That's why my ultimate advice is "he says it is great for reasons X, Y, Z, here's why I think not telling is great, for reasons A, B, and C, so think about your situation and do what's best."

 

If she tells or doesn't tell is ultimately up to her, but the crew of people who say she has to tell, anything else is wrong, and name calling because she doesn't or doesn't want to or doesn't see the value in it, that's clearly wrong.

 

As you said there are a lot of BS on this forum. That speaks that BS here have experience. No two are the same but lessons can be learned.

 

Redheaded Mistress, we also value your experiences and as we read them we learn to.

 

Well, I'm not sure how true that is considering some of the things people have said, but thanks just the same. LOL!

 

This is Fear paralyzing you! Fear causing in action.

 

You let "FEAR" Dictate you & Control you from doing whats Right.

She knows her husband better than anybody else. And as she describe her husband is not a violent man.

 

Now now Not every Man is Violent "Thats over generalization!"

 

That's not fear, that's common sense. It's not fear keeping you from doing what's right, it's weighing the full consequences of what telling vs. not telling could mean and deciding from there. And I agree, he knows her husband better than anybody else and she's not described one way or the other that he is or isn't violent. Though he wouldn't be the first person who saved their first incident of violence for such a revelation.

 

That said, I'm not saying he is or isn't violent, only that, in general, this is something that people need to think about when they weigh out to tell or not to tell. Factors that aren't apparent to you or I.

 

Ultimately, the only person who knows if it's best or not is her, not you or me, nor is it the people raining doom on her head because she isn't doing what they say is best.

 

A great man once said;

never, never be afraid to do what's right especially if the well-being of a person is at stake.

society's punishments are small compared to wounds we inflict on our soul when we look the other way.

-Martin Luther King

 

Actually, Martin Luther King never said that. And the whole point of my argument is that there is no set law in stone that says telling is "what's right." One could easily say that telling will cause pain, a divorce, hurt on the family, hurt on the kids, and thus the right thing to do is keep the burden on your shoulders and let them go along on their merry way with what they do know.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Not that it seems to matter to you, but here's the additional burden non-disclosure puts on a BS:

 

Very few WS (OP included) emerge from a LTA unmarked. So the BS, already victimized by the affair, get's the additional challenge of living with a grieving, resentful, moody and detached spouse pining for their AP. And the opportunity to blame themselves for their partner's mysterious half-empty take on both life and their marriage.

 

Insult added to injury...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Who's not to say that she does a 180, reinvests back, and is none the wiser? Not every person who has an affair and is moving on after ending it is a moody, resentful, detached spouse.

 

Though even in this scenario where the person who stayed is mourning their affair, that doesn't mean the BS is better for knowing the reason why, or that any of the reasons for not telling aren't still valid. Or even that their reaction to such a behavior is to blame themselves... For all we know, they say "I don't know what your problem is but you need to get over it." Plenty of BS here say that was their reaction to their depressed WS.

 

Again, there are so many assumptions here that make it sound like you know better than she does what is the best route for her family. Now we've invoked the sullen, depressed, self-blaming, pitiful, woe is me, BS spouse archetype... Which her husband may or not be. For all you know, she's miserable, he doesn't care, and he loses not one ounce of sleep over how depressed she is.

 

Again, you don't know.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Unprotected sex with both partners is where the line in the sand is drawn as bold as all get out.

 

One does NOT have the right to force their own sexual risk taking onto an unsuspecting person.

 

 

It is tantamount to sexual abuse to blantantly force another to assume the risks unwittingly.

 

It is as simple as that.

 

Then I guess it's equally as simple to say that if they had protected sex, or nobody was a carrier for any STD, or they're not having sex with the BS anymore, then the risks are minimized or neutralized and thus telling is again unnecessary.

 

It also means anybody having an EA can keep it to themselves and there's no need to tell anything.

[AlwaysGrowing]

That's like saying that guns don't kill you, bullets do. Of course there's pain in confessing, both in the person confessing and the person hearing the confession. If there wasn't, then everybody would tell and we wouldn't have this conversation.

 

Same with the kids, the pain comes from the confession and the action. If they have no idea because you don't tell them, then there's neither pain from the action or the confession.

 

I'm not saying that the cheating isn't causing the hurt, but come on... It's dishonesty at it's highest to say that confessing it doesn't cause a problem, especially if nobody knew about the cheating. It's ridiculously selfish to look at a person who has no idea what's going on, no clue about the cheating, and saying "I cheated and I'm telling you so I can 'ownership and looking to live an authentic life.'"

 

Anybody with two IQ points to rub together would see that confession is selfish and self-serving, not some sort of grand gesture to help out the BS. It's you feeling better about yourself by revealing something you know will hurt so that you will feel better. It's no different than having an affair because it makes you feel better... You're putting you, your needs before that of somebody else and really couldn't care less.

 

Why people insist on spinning it that way is beyond me. Like I said, I think some people on here are just so ingrained with the idea that a cheating spouse needs to be punished that they can't help themselves in saying this is what HAS to happen, as opposed to taking a step back and saying "maybe telling isn't right in this situation."

 

 

You are putting the pain/hurt of the action above the rights of the other person (BS). They are two seperate concepts.

 

Absolutely the hurt doesn't actually occur until actual confession...or a found out day.

 

Does the lie/hurt/betrayal exist in a vacuum? Or do they exist due to the actions? To quote yourself "anyone with two IQ points to rub together" understands one does not exist without the other being in place first...so where is the real issue?

 

Does one move forward/grow/learn by continuing to incorporate the very same skill set they used to engage in the negative behaviour? Or is one only entrenching those thought processes/coping skills more firmly in their psyche?

 

Is it okay to force another to accept our moral code/conduct...by using deception? Is it okay to manipulate your primary relationship? Is that healthy?

 

I am a firm believer that "your rights end...where mine begin."

 

Once unprotected sex has happened..one absolutely has the duty to inform the other person (BS) of the risks that they(BS) are assuming. Everyone has the right to make their own decisions when it comes to sexual choice/risk taking. It isn't about causing hurt...it is about recognizing that each human being has the RIGHT to make informed decisions about their own health. Is it "selfish" to tell...or is it the morally/ethically thing to do?

[Redheaded Mistress]

There in lays the truth! Alas finally a conclusion we have come into an impasse.

And neither you nor your partner cheat on each other.

 

You are happy where you are not because of your affair but because you married the right person.

 

being happily married to the right person. and not cheating on each other.

would you not wish the same for her, would not wish the same for her husband.

would you not wish the same for all

 

I could not put my mind, why redheaded mistress. would not support a divorce or telling the truth.

 

I married the right person because I had an affair and we left our spouses for each other. We can debate the chicken or the egg on that one, but really the point is moot.

 

Do I want that for her and her husband? Sure, of course. With them together, with them not, with them divorced, with her with her AP, or with her living alone in an apartment with 1,000 cats. However any of them get out of the situation and arrive at happiness, I'm all for.

 

I just am not so shortsighted as to think that I have any sort of clue as to what the 100% solution is to get there. Maybe its to tell, maybe it isn't. Who knows? I don't. You don't either.

 

Even looking at my situation, once I knew what I wanted and could articulate that to somebody else and I wasn't just acting on desire and impulse, I'd say my ex husband was better for knowing and it was good he found out and I confessed. We could skip the pretense of trying to make it work, he didn't really want to either, and by saying I had moved on like he had, it was closure and we were able to end everything totally amicably. He ended up moving on really quickly with somebody else and building a life he wanted for himself without the guilt of thinking he had to try to make it work. That said, if I had chosen to stay and he had no idea about the affair, he would have been fine too. That certainly would have been the best choice for that resolution. He wouldn't have wanted to know if it meant I was staying and we kept puttering on. Facing it wouldn't have made anything better and he wouldn't have been appreciative. He was very much a "what I don't know won't kill me" kind of guy and he doesn't care about the "why" of a situation as much as he cares about the effects of the why. So if I stayed and tried to make the best of it, he wouldn't have cared what led me to do it, only that I did.

 

I'd also say my now-husband's ex is not at all better off for knowing and her life would have been better if she had not a clue, regardless of if my now-husband had stayed with her or ultimately divorced. She didn't want to know and during our affair, she was happy as hell knowing it was going on in the back of her mind and just ignoring it. When she was forced to confront it and could no longer avoid it, that was the problem. Now here we are, 10ish years later, and we just had what I consider nothing short of a D-Day where, despite the fact that he's been gone for as long as he has been, she's still convinced he'll come back, and has to face that he won't be. She'll be devastated, sending texts, making phone calls, crying, begging and pleading... Then in a few months, she'll be back to where she was, hanging out by our house, driving by, and full on believing he's only days away from coming back. So the process will repeat, with another D-day and the hysteria, etc, etc.

 

She's not better for knowing, knowing didn't help her, it didn't make things better, and really, it's just been her excuse and justification to not move forward one inch with her life.

 

Which is why my over-reaching message here is that there are valid reasons to tell, valid reasons to keep it to yourself, and which one is right to a point where we can defame somebody for not doing what we think is best is totally unclear to everybody. Therefore, the only person who knows what is the right thing to do here is the OP.

[AlwaysGrowing]

Then I guess it's equally as simple to say that if they had protected sex, or nobody was a carrier for any STD, or they're not having sex with the BS anymore, then the risks are minimized or neutralized and thus telling is again unnecessary.

 

It also means anybody having an EA can keep it to themselves and there's no need to tell anything.

 

One gets to decide for their own if they want to assume the risk of "they aren't a carrier for any STI". The WS does not have the right to assume those risks on behalf of their spouse.

 

Has the OP had unprotected sex during this LTA? If she has...are you now willing to say that she must tell?

 

There is more than one reason why one would opt to tell. My point was...once unprotected sex has occurred...the other reasons are moot. That is the line in the sand. That is the point in which one DOES have a moral/ethic DUTY to inform the other party. Anything less would put this in the sexual abuse/physical assault category for many.

[Redheaded Mistress]

You mean like the guy who is helping raising her children?

The lucky guy who pays the mortgage?

The lucky guys who follishly thinks they are just freinds?

The guy who by definition is her HUSBAND?

 

IS HE lucky? Wow. Delusion.

 

I don't think it's delusional to say that people still have an inherent worth despite their mistakes.

 

Considering he had an EA, we could flip that, list his mistakes, and call him worthless too. The lucky girl who stood by and hand helped raised the children, paid the bills, believed his EA was "just a friend," and accepted his version of their marriage.

 

But I'm sure he's not, he's just a guy who's made mistakes, just like she's a woman who's made mistakes too. In a bad marriage, that happens. People make bad choices.

 

Unless i misread, 2 days ago she was struggling OVER THE LOSS OF HER AP. She is using her husband. Stop trying to SHIFT SHAME. . You twist things, because your logic really thinks ANYONE would be lucky to have you or the OP. Even if you both lie and cheat.

 

No thank you..mam

 

Twisted.

 

No, I don't think the whole of anybody's life is defined by one action and yes, I do think that she has value that makes somebody lucky to have her. Somebody that works with her and she works with lucky to have her.

 

I'm a great catch too, for the right guy (who I've since found).

 

So your bitterness and judgmental attitude means that we're now worthless people because, despite all we are that makes us good, you can't do anything else but fixate on the affair we had with other people.

 

Pretty sure that's your problem, not hers or mine.

 

Save your prayers. I do not fear anyones opinion. And I have no Scarlet Letter to flush down the toilet. You speak and defend those who you identify with as it is your right to do so but dont try to "shame" me with your boo hooo, poor woman crap. I was taught differently then you. I will not say what is wrong is right or "shades of grey" I started off believing she could regain her honor. But by her own words, she will continue to lie and use her husband.

 

I write what I write, because thats who I am, and obviously, you write who you are... Mistress.

 

The last thing I am or have or believe in is "boo hoo poor woman crap." And if you want to open a new post where you can continue to rail on me for all the reasons you think I'm a terrible person, go right on ahead.

 

In the meantime, this thread is about her and her situation, not you and your problems and projections, attitudes about people who have affairs, and your belief that there is no bigger transgression in the world than an affair, nor is it about me and my situation, despite your fixation on the whole "former mistress" part. So I'm not going to keep indulging you and your fixation with building up yourself by name-calling and trying to shame those who you don't like.

 

You're right, I am who I am... Never denied it. And I'll happily tell you I was a mistress, that it wasn't my best decision, but I'm proud of how I came out of the situation and now I sit here, on the other side by and large, married happily, with the love of my life, gorgeous children and stepchildren, respected member of the community, a productive, decent person, and most importantly, somebody who can accept all parts of myself, including the yucky parts, and still turn her life into something to be proud of.

 

I hope that for absolutely everybody. I hope everybody can come to accept themselves and their lives, even the bad parts, to form something they're proud of. Even you, who, despite this pretending that you've done no wrong and have never done anybody wrong.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Yes I was curious about that too....

 

That she still identifies as the mistress, despite 10 years of marriage.

 

I created a name on a forum because I suck at creating names, and because I created it to reply to somebody on the OM/OW site, I chose something that would define quickly why I was replying and from what standpoint I was coming from because I didn't want to get into the guts of it on my first post, a reply to another person.

 

Like most people, I didn't create a name with the idea I was making some grand social statement on my IRL identity or beliefs.