Author Shinebrightforever Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Qubist...I appreciate the response. I hope I'm a little more than a tagged sexual being to him...but I guess who knows. Not expecting him to leave his wife for me...but was hoping for at least some contact over this time period. Feel a tad abandoned. Counseling will be necessary to fully walk away from MM and walk TO my H. Not sure I need to end it with MM though...as I think the A already is over. It's just my emotions not being willing to let go. Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Lesson: It's not a good idea to fall in love with someone else's man. Statements like this just make my head explode. The correct version is more like: Lesson: it's not a good idea to have sex with someone when you're someone else's woman. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 How long have you been married? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Married 18 years. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 I have to agree, its trust not lack of interest that allows you to continue this-I know in our marriage we were also really busy and running in different directions- I would check in on our marriage and he would say its work stress, etc... I am his wife, not his Mom- if he said his phone was dead or was turning in early, I would not question him- For him, that aspect- taking advantage of whats good in me, has been hard to handle-I am not as trusting and carefree as before- I still don't check up on him or give him the 3rd degree but when his phone really does die, he freaks and is like, I swear it died- I just shrug-it bothers him and it should-its a crappy thing to do- 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Yeah, starting to get angry myself. Mad at myself obviously...mad at him for trying to get me to "hold on". Giving me just enough to not be able to fully let go. Erggg. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Qubist...I appreciate the response. I hope I'm a little more than a tagged sexual being to him...but I guess who knows. Not expecting him to leave his wife for me...but was hoping for at least some contact over this time period. Feel a tad abandoned. Counseling will be necessary to fully walk away from MM and walk TO my H. Not sure I need to end it with MM though...as I think the A already is over. It's just my emotions not being willing to let go. Shinebrightforever, when I said he tagged you as a sexual being i didn't mean to insult you or degrade you i was referring to his psychological stand point there is a chance he doesn't even know that, there is a article in "Psychology today" that explains it in detail,. he would give the attention you need when he needs your sex. right now he is not on contact with you for whatever reason may be his wife on the watch, but if the opportunity comes and you are somehow together he would tell you that he misses you and all the BS blah blah just to get you to bed then goes back to his married life. you are missing the point if you want to walk back to H and still hope for a contact with your AP it is just not possible. allow me to tell you that you are brainwashed, selfish. selfish to the point that you are not considering any respect to your dignity your H or family. unless you plan to be his mistress till he doesn't need you anymore you need to wake up from your addiction. by the way you are wrong if you think the A is over. it is not. you have to make a decision to completely end all sort of relationship with OM period before you can heal yourself 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 No worries qubist. I dont expect to have my choices or current thinking to be received with respect. But for what it's worth...thank you. By chance...are you a male? Just wondering based upon your take/perspective. Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 No worries qubist. I dont expect to have my choices or current thinking to be received with respect. But for what it's worth...thank you. By chance...are you a male? Just wondering based upon your take/perspective. Thanks. I am a man and knows exactly how men think 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Understood. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Qubist...if I may. Since you are a guy and know that genders thinking. Is it best to end it thru an email? Nc on my end? wait for him to reach out (highly unlikely). Am curious to your thoughts if you don't mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 Qubist...if I may. Since you are a guy and know that genders thinking. Is it best to end it thru an email? Nc on my end? wait for him to reach out (highly unlikely). Am curious to your thoughts if you don't mind. i recommend an email or a message it is better to not talk or see him because once he gets in contact with you he would start stirring the feelings. make sure to include in your message/email that the relationship was a mistake that you are regretting that would send him another message. we don't know this guy when I said he tagged you as a sexual partner away from marriage hustle I didn't necessary mean that he was doing with bad intentions. we don't know that for sure. it is better for you and him to emphasis that it was all wrong. PS: I'm not a relationship expert I'm just man who is interested in psychology and human behavior, something happened in my life made be more interested in relationship and infidelity. if I may ask you a question but you don't have to answer if you don't want to. what would you do if your H supersized you and confronted you with all what was happening? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted July 29, 2015 Author Share Posted July 29, 2015 Of course I'll answer. I would have regrets for hurting him, and our kids...and doing so in such an extremely dishonorable way. But, I am not afraid to be alone. I kinda feel "alone" already due to our marriage dynamics. However....I believe...part of the fantasy bubble I'm in...that I won't get caught. That this relationship with the MM can go on like it has the last 4 years (in my world at least) without any financial fall out, public shame, kids having to jump between 2 homes. Btw, I hoped what happened in your life made you stronger...wiser, and you feel on the other side of it. I have been appreciating your thoughts...thank you for them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted July 29, 2015 Share Posted July 29, 2015 most of us rush to judge cheaters and tag them as evil, i used to be that way too, I don't judge people any more. I really sense that you are a nice person but I must be honest with you i also see confusion and selfishness in you too. you are confuse about happiness and love and you selfishness making see thing from your perspective only. I really wish you could understand there is only one person that can make you happy and that person is you. your will not last forever and one day will have to stop and let you down it is better to end it ASAP. it will take a sacrifice. unless your R with H is a complete disaster and you feel it's irreparable you should work on it, you will find happiness if you know yourself deep. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted July 30, 2015 Author Share Posted July 30, 2015 Thanks much. Well said. Had to read it over a few times...so what you said sunk in. Yeah. I am VERY selfish and VERY confused. It certainly goes against my moral code, mentally I know it's wrong. I just need my heart to move on to know that as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Sorry HurtofGlass. For what it's worth, I'm sorry my bad decision triggered hurt in what someone else did to you. Link to post Share on other sites
66Charger Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I know it bothers you because you are here. But your thread isnt about your husband, its about your love for another man. Play the last 4 years of your life as a movie for your husband. Watch him watching that movie. What do you think your feelings will be as he slowly gets torn to shreds? Usually, in your case the only thing that will correct you is devastation. You know its coming, thats why you are here. Your time is running out. I dont wish you ill, nor will I call you names, but you have clearly lost your honor. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HurtOfGlass Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Our affair started late 2011, was an EA until mid 2012, when we allowed ourself to kiss and touch one another. He is away from work in the summers, so that summer we did not see one another for many weeks, and our email connection was very sporadic. so sporadic that it triggered grief in me which was very tough to hide from my husband. At the start of the fall, we decided to start up our affair again..and boy did it take off! For the remainder of 2012, all of 2013 and all of 2014...our relationship was both emotional and physical....passionate, rich, fun, and we told eachother we loved one another. Our families even met, he spending time with my kids, and me spending time with his. We even met one another's parents. You have lost peace and joy?!! You are reveling in lust for another man and relishing at betraying your H... No matter what you think you are, you are dirty as sclerosis or a leprosy patient... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 I have lost my honor. Probably can't ever retrieve that again. It's over...the A is done. It won't continue. Even if the hurt from NC started me reaching out, I'm reaching out to you all...not him. Someday I hope to hsve the courage to confess to H. Link to post Share on other sites
m.snow Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 I have lost my honor. Probably can't ever retrieve that again. It's over...the A is done. It won't continue. Even if the hurt from NC started me reaching out, I'm reaching out to you all...not him. Someday I hope to hsve the courage to confess to H. confession is hard and at some point you will have to. you have a chance to redeem yourself and live a happy normal life. all that energy from your A can instead be focused on your Family specially your children. take some solace in that your choice to leave the affair. your children will grow-up being held by two hands instead of just one. could you help state the problems with your H. maybe LS community can help you with that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 Thanks snow. Will do... Married young. H is withdrawn. Even now, I am gone with the kids on a fun get away, he chose not to join. Have been very involved in volunteering projects, he chooses not to join when invited. Intimacy lacks, communication lacks, sex...nope. However...I do consider him a friend. We do NOT have a lot of conflict, prob both conflict avoidant at our core. He is patient, he is a good man and I know that in my soul. But, our marriage struggles. With all that said, my H doesn't deserve this..I know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Lesson: It's not a good idea to CHOOSE TO fall in love with someone else's man. Fixed that for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HurtOfGlass Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 From where the sex will come? He must one ugly fatty! And oh, you had to remain FAITHFUL to your handsome, fit lover. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Shinebrightforever Posted July 31, 2015 Author Share Posted July 31, 2015 @Hurtofglass.. What?? Not following. My husband is handsome. Beautiful specimen of a man. Try again Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted July 31, 2015 Share Posted July 31, 2015 Thanks snow. Will do... Married young. H is withdrawn. Even now, I am gone with the kids on a fun get away, he chose not to join. Have been very involved in volunteering projects, he chooses not to join when invited. Intimacy lacks, communication lacks, sex...nope. However...I do consider him a friend. We do NOT have a lot of conflict, prob both conflict avoidant at our core. He is patient, he is a good man and I know that in my soul. But, our marriage struggles. With all that said, my H doesn't deserve this..I know that. Shinebrightforever, You want to change, you want to stay married, and you have ended the affair and are trying NC. - Good. Now I ask you, can you come up with a list of actions to help your marriage? You cannot change your husband, all you can do is change how you act around and to him. So, what can YOU do. There are lots of resources on the internet to help, Love Shack is one of them, but I would say that making him and your kids the first priority would be a good start. See if you can get him to go on a weekly date night. Go to IC, keep asking if he will go to MC, then open up when the time is right. This can be done, but you must take action. Write our your goals for yourself, your marriage, and take steps to get there. We all realize you will stumble, but take the first step. Keep in mind, in the end you will have to confess to your affair, but you cannot do that now, work to make your marriage better. Keep NC, and and go to IC. I wish you luck. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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