Random vents by OW...sorry

[66Charger]

I have lost my honor.

Probably can't ever retrieve that again.

It's over...the A is done. It won't continue.

Even if the hurt from NC started me reaching out, I'm reaching out to you all...not him.

Someday I hope to hsve the courage to confess to H.

 

You can reclaim your honor, but not without confessing to your husband. Yours is a very long affair and has become a part of you. Attempting to do this on your own will not work. You cannot just go NC, you have to destroy the A entirely. You have to put it in a position where it can never happen again. Your thread just started and you were proclaiming with glee/sadness your feelings for your OM. That doesnt just disappear with regret. You will travel this path again when he calls, and he will, unless you kill it.

 

Also.all the things you say your Marriage is lacking, intimacy, communication and sex is a direct result of your intimacy, communication and sex with another. Your husbamd is withdrawn? Doesnt do fun things with you? He learned that in the last 4 years from you. How could you have been a wife that deserves intimacy, sex, companionship amd communucation when it is you who wasnt there.. Interesting that you classify him as a "good freind" Perhaps that is what he should remain. You dont appear to love him AS A MAN. Freind, provider, companion, yes. Man, no.

 

In order to gain respect, you have to give respect.

In order to regain your honor, you have to act honorably.

Stop saying what you cant do, and do what you should do.

Pain is coming and you know it. Respect your SO. Honor your family

Anything can be forgiven except a lie.

You have a hard road ahead. Ignor the hostility of HOG, but other BS are correct.

 

Its time. Fix it now

Edited July 31, 2015 by 66Charger

[World's.Edge]

This is worth repeating.

 

66Charger

You can reclaim your honour, but not without confessing to your husband. Yours is a very long affair and has become a part of you. Attempting to do this on your own will not work. You cannot just go NC, you have to destroy the A entirely. You have to put it in a position where it can never happen again. Your thread just started and you were proclaiming with glee/sadness your feelings for your OM. That doesn’t just disappear with regret. You will travel this path again when he calls, and he will, unless you kill it.

 

Also, all the things you say your Marriage is lacking, intimacy, communication and sex are a direct result of your intimacy, communication and sex with another. Your husband is withdrawn? Doesn't do fun things with you? He learned that in the last 4 years from you. How could you have been a wife that deserves intimacy, sex, companionship and communication when it is you who wasn’t there.. Interesting that you classify him as a "good friend" Perhaps that is what he should remain. You don’t appear to love him AS A MAN. Friend, provider, companion, yes. Man, no.

 

In order to gain respect, you have to give respect.

In order to regain your honour, you have to act honourably.

Stop saying what you can’t do, and do what you should do.

Pain is coming and you know it. Respect your SO. Honour your family

Anything can be forgiven except a lie.

You have a hard road ahead.

 

It's time. Fix it now!

[66Charger]

One thing that I missed on your initial post.

 

The OMW knows. He had a mini Dday as you put it. She read one of your emails. Then he went underground. You only think he convinced her and i bet he thinks that way too. That is delusion. She is waiting for you or him to make a mistake. If something goes wrong in the OMs marriage, a second text, email from you pops up, SHE FINDS THE LS FORUM, you are busted. And he will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat. Thats why he is NC.

 

Your fate and marriage is no longer in your hands. You now have to hope that the OM or his wife dont fight. They control your marriage now.

 

Dont be surprised if your husband gets a phone call. You really need to figure out why you want to stay with your husband, because it ain't love.

 

Think about that. She knows your name. She suspects you. Her kids know you. Did they see anything? You have been so sloppy. When either your husband or his wife puts this together, it will be to late for a confession

[Shinebrightforever]

Thanks everyone for the straight talk. Reading all the posts today has hurt...but it should. You all helped me come face to face with my ACTUAL reflection.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Did you guys intend this to be a fling or was this just a fling on the side, or did one or both of you intend on divorcing and making a go of it? Because it sounds like you need to start thinking about the where, what, and why of your situation. As in, where are you going, what are you wanting to accomplish, and why is this what you want.

 

Once you've figured that out, things will get a lot clearer for you.

 

If you want to stay with your husband, you need to cut off contact, cold turkey, maybe even without the big fanfare of the "I can't do this, I'm leaving you, see you later" letter. Then throw yourself into your marriage and do what you have to do to fix it. Confess, change jobs, whatever.

 

If you want to leave, then work on your exit strategy and go.

 

If you want to keep on going with how things are now, then how you feel now is your reality, for better or worse. Is it worth it? Only you can answer that.

 

For the record, I don't think you're a bad person, bad mother, bad whatever, or deserve a lifetime of misery. Who knows why you are where you are besides you and who knows if the same circumstances that led you to where you are now wouldn't also lead your biggest critic to the same scenario. Goodness knows, I was the poster child for "that won't ever be me" and "cheaters are the scum of the earth," and then one day I found myself in a crap marriage, face-to-face with a guy who I was looking at a man who'd end up being my AP and saying "Well crap. This was the guy I was supposed to end up with."

 

You can either staple yourself to a cross for all your past mistakes and engage in a suitable amount of self-loathing so as to calm your guilt and appease those around you, or you can say "that was yesterday, today is today, and the only thing I have control of is now and tomorrow" and go about shaping the life you can live with. It won't happen overnight, especially if you have no idea of the where, what, or why, but keep plugging along and you'll get to a place where you can look yourself in the mirror and be ok with what you see.

[66Charger]

I agree with the lady in red (and you better had not be my GF, who has red hair)

I dont know if you really know what you want, but you need to figure it out in a hurry.

You are not evil. Being here proves that.

[whichwayisup]

One thing that I missed on your initial post.

 

The OMW knows. He had a mini Dday as you put it. She read one of your emails. Then he went underground. You only think he convinced her and i bet he thinks that way too. That is delusion. She is waiting for you or him to make a mistake. If something goes wrong in the OMs marriage, a second text, email from you pops up, SHE FINDS THE LS FORUM, you are busted. And he will throw you under the bus in a heartbeat. Thats why he is NC.

 

Your fate and marriage is no longer in your hands. You now have to hope that the OM or his wife dont fight. They control your marriage now.

 

Dont be surprised if your husband gets a phone call. You really need to figure out why you want to stay with your husband, because it ain't love.

 

Think about that. She knows your name. She suspects you. Her kids know you. Did they see anything? You have been so sloppy. When either your husband or his wife puts this together, it will be to late for a confession

 

Great post reply.

 

Best thing you can do now is confess to your husband. On some level he'll respect that you had the courage to come clean and not allow someone else to tell him about the A. Tell him everything, be honest and up front, answer all that he wants to know. Better chance at fixing your marriage and him giving you a second chance to prove yourself worthy to him than for him to find out by MM's wife or even MM. (not OM, OM are single, this guy is married so he is a MM) Chances are very high one of them will contact your H since she knows of you.

[DKT3]

I'm one for confessing, but in this case I'm not so sure. I believe this is a rare case where she really needs to carry this one. Staying or going this will damage them (your kids) once they figure they were used as pawns to continue the affair.

[Shinebrightforever]

Thank you redheaded mistress. That's exactly it, never thought I'd be here. Walked away from a friend because I found out she was engaging in an affair and I was so against it, I stopped being there for her. The sick thing is...I stopped being there for her when she needed me most. Yup, i thought she was "beneath" me. Then...10ish years later, I find myself here. Sharing my garbage with wonderful people, but strangers, to keep it anonymous.

Im sorry to anyone I have triggered or offended by sharing. I do feel the less than tender words has helped me see things more clearly...but I dont believe I vile or evil at my core. I know I had pride that kept me from helping my friend when she was here. Maybe if I was there for her, I would have saw the wreckage and maybe my vulnerability better. I dunno.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I agree with the lady in red (and you better had not be my GF, who has red hair)

I dont know if you really know what you want, but you need to figure it out in a hurry.

You are not evil. Being here proves that.

 

I know nothing about you but I can promise you I'm not. Totally married, spoken for, and boyfriend-free.

[Shinebrightforever]

We knew eachother on an acquaintance basis for a few years before the A started. Started actually by emailing eachother unkind emails. Long story, but we really were not nice to one another at first for good reason. Tone of emails started to change, and it went to EA. fought it going to PA...until it went there. no...neither one of us has said we would get a divorce. We both knew this wasn't a fling thing, I think maybe we both hoped in time it'd be easier to walk away. We both have voiced itd be for the best to end. We just have not been able to stick to it.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Thank you redheaded mistress. That's exactly it, never thought I'd be here. Walked away from a friend because I found out she was engaging in an affair and I was so against it, I stopped being there for her. The sick thing is...I stopped being there for her when she needed me most. Yup, i thought she was "beneath" me. Then...10ish years later, I find myself here. Sharing my garbage with wonderful people, but strangers, to keep it anonymous.

Im sorry to anyone I have triggered or offended by sharing. I do feel the less than tender words has helped me see things more clearly...but I dont believe I vile or evil at my core. I know I had pride that kept me from helping my friend when she was here. Maybe if I was there for her, I would have saw the wreckage and maybe my vulnerability better. I dunno.

 

Guess what? You're probably not. And you're not the first, last or only person to have an affair. Or make a mistake. Or fix a mistake. Or start something good out of something bad. Or lose something good because of something bad. Or just generally do something that you're not proud off or screwed up something. We all screw up, some of us turn it around, some of us don't, and some of us need our screw ups to figure out life. Welcome to that messy thing we call life... And if it defines your life or who you are, it's because you let it, not because it has to.

 

Worry about you, your loved ones, and your life and not the opinions of the outside people who think that because they screw up differently than you that you're somehow less of a person than they are, or they are better. They don't have to live your life, you do.

[66Charger]

10 characters

Edited August 1, 2015 by 66Charger

[66Charger]

I know nothing about you but I can promise you I'm not. Totally married, spoken for, and boyfriend-free.

 

WHEW!! Thank God

[Redheaded Mistress]

WHEW!! Thank God

 

Thanks, I think. Not sure if I should be insulted or not...

[Shinebrightforever]

THAT is funny...

[m.snow]

THAT is funny...

 

I have a few question, since you are a wayward wife. your probably the few that we could ask here.

 

you said your husband is not also loyal to the relationship?

-is he also cheating

-does he still believe your marriage is exclusive

 

do you still love your husband?

-or is it ILYBNILWY (i love you but not in love with you).

 

did you ever communicate your frustrations with your husband?

-is he not being romantic enough

 

why wont you leave your husband?

-is it for financial reasons

-safety and security

-for your children (are all children biologically his?)

Edited August 1, 2015 by m.snow

[Shinebrightforever]

Hey snow...

 

Went thru a rough time about 5 years ago. He was caught communicating with someone online in a sexual fashion. Said it was nothing more. Yes, he believes we are exclusive.

 

Yes, I love him. Always will.

 

Yes, communicated my unhappiness in our marriage. He said we were great.

 

I won't leave because of children, finances, extended family, shared history.

 

omg yes! All children are his! Never been with another man, but him..well, until this A.

[jbrent890]

I'm one for confessing, but in this case I'm not so sure. I believe this is a rare case where she really needs to carry this one. Staying or going this will damage them (your kids) once they figure they were used as pawns to continue the affair.

 

But think about how much worse it would be if the husband finds out from other means. However, I somewhat agree with this. In my opinion, even the though the OP might want to work it out, her best bet might be to just divorce and keep this to herself. Even if she does confess, 4 years is a long time to be in an affair, and I think that might be too much to bare for the BH. Add the fact that the kids were used to continue the affair and he was introduced to her parents as well. If I was in the BH's shoes, I would feel like I was in the process of being replaced. Not to be a negative nancy OP, but I think your smartest option is to just end the marriage. Not to judge, but I think too much damage has been done. There are some things you really can't fix. Good luck though.

[66Charger]

Hey snow...

 

Went thru a rough time about 5 years ago. He was caught communicating with someone online in a sexual fashion. Said it was nothing more. Yes, he believes we are exclusive.

 

Yes, I love him. Always will.

 

Yes, communicated my unhappiness in our marriage. He said we were great.

 

I won't leave because of children, finances, extended family, shared history.

 

omg yes! All children are his! Never been with another man, but him..well, until this A.

 

Wow. You love him? I could understand if this was a short fling or ons, but really?

Come on, you were in love with MM 2 days ago. But I guess thats it. You love your husband for the same reasons you want to stay in the marriage. You are in love with your MM as a man. Men hate that. That is a horrible existence.

 

Does your husband love you?

 

The real you? Would he say "I still love her, always will after knowing about your 4 years?

 

Would he stay for all the same reasons you are staying?

 

Will you give him that option? Wil you respect his life and how he wants to live it?

 

If you wont then you are using him, living in a false marriage, cheating him of the chance to be truly deeply loved for ALL reasons and especially those that are important to a man.

 

It was stated we are not you. We do not have to live your life. Thats true.

 

But the life I would never want to live is your husbands.

 

Be fair to the man. Tell him and pray or dont tell him and divorce.

 

I will take my leave now. Good luck to you OP

Edited August 1, 2015 by 66Charger

[Shinebrightforever]

Disclaimer: I realize this is twisted and will cause hatred towards me. But the love i have for them both represents different parts of me.

 

I have been contemplating a full confession...but probably won't. Last weekend I started to go there with him because I was acting so weird from grieving but...didn't.

 

I do have big decisions to make. Tell him and pray, or don't and divorce....that's a great way to put it 66charger.

[Mr. Lucky]

But the love i have for them both represents different parts of me.

 

Just proves that, if they look hard enough. the WS can find some self-serving way of rationalizing their infidelity. If your "different parts" become thirds, will you cheat on your H and AP? Sheesh...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Shinebrightforever]

Are ya freekin kidding me, Mr lucky???

[TX-SC]

Just to put this into perspective for you, you and AP deserve to be together and your spouse's deserve to be free of you. Your children do not deserve ANY of this, but of course they just are your excuse for staying. Divorce and go to him. Your kids will survive. Your husband perhaps can go find someone worthy of him. Maybe you could hook him up with the AP's wife? Your husband deserves to be able to choose his future based on full knowledge of your affair.

[jbrent890]

Just to put this into perspective for you, you and AP deserve to be together and your spouse's deserve to be free of you. Your children do not deserve ANY of this, but of course they just are your excuse for staying. Divorce and go to him. Your kids will survive. Your husband perhaps can go find someone worthy of him. Maybe you could hook him up with the AP's wife? Your husband deserves to be able to choose his future based on full knowledge of your affair.

 

This really doesn't help her. OP, 66charger is on to something. Personally, I would go with the latter of his advice and divorce and hope your husband doesn't find out about the affair. One part that I looked over is that the BW is on to something. In fact, deep down she probably knows something has gone on between you and her husband. Just like if you confessed to your husband, he will automatically know who your AP is. Regardless of what you choose, you need to leave the AP alone.