Random vents by OW...sorry

[Redheaded Mistress]

Just proves that, if they look hard enough. the WS can find some self-serving way of rationalizing their infidelity. If your "different parts" become thirds, will you cheat on your H and AP? Sheesh...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

You want a honest answer from somebody, you got it. You can either mock her for what leads her where she does, or you can learn from it. Mocking her gets you nowhere, so maybe try listening to it.

 

Simple fact is that there is a degree of connection people share in an affair that meets a need in a way their marital partner isn't and that can drive you to chase it when you see it elsewhere. And the love we feel for different people in our lives isn't the same. I don't love my son like I love my husband or like I love my mother. And I certainly don't love my husband like I loved my ex husband, my first crush, or "the one that got away." It's all different and all of those loves satisfy different parts of me.

 

Thr fact that her husband doesn't love her and she doesn't love him in a way she loves her AP or her AP loves her makes total sense. I know the BS likes to float out there this theory that cheating has nothing to do with the cheater not loving them or being unhappy, but the reality is the AP is delivering something the BS isn't and it appeals to the cheating spouse, otherwise they wouldn't keep going for it.

[road]

Disclaimer: I realize this is twisted and will cause hatred towards me. But the love i have for them both represents different parts of me.

 

I have been contemplating a full confession...but probably won't. Last weekend I started to go there with him because I was acting so weird from grieving but...didn't.

 

I do have big decisions to make. Tell him and pray, or don't and divorce....that's a great way to put it 66charger.

 

Whether divorce or not your BH deserves and needs the truth.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Whether divorce or not your BH deserves and needs the truth.

 

Not everybody wants to hear the truth and in a situation where all it does is spread the misery around, there's really no point to it either. It's not going to make her better, it will make him feel worse, and saying "I feel terrible so I told you to make myself feel better" is no big favor or selfless act.

 

If she tells or not is up to her, but there is no set rule in stone that commands it be done and that it's always the best option.

[DKT3]

Not everybody wants to hear the truth and in a situation where all it does is spread the misery around, there's really no point to it either. It's not going to make her better, it will make him feel worse, and saying "I feel terrible so I told you to make myself feel better" is no big favor or selfless act.

 

If she tells or not is up to her, but there is no set rule in stone that commands it be done and that it's always the best option.

 

This is so tired, if one has the balls and selfishness to have an affair, then not confessing or owning its, isn't the time for a selfless act. Its all BS, it amounts to not wanting someone to see you for who you are, thus the claim that almost EVERY WS makes that the affair is sooooo outside who they are.

 

OP, you claim that you compartmentalize the two relationship, the thing is you don't, which is why you had your kids around MM. You are looking to share all parts of your life with him (including that which was built/made with your husband). The guilt and shame has almost made you confess. Your not having sex with your husband. Nothing about your affair is compartmentalized. You are in fact looking to replace your husband.

 

I know you've ignored my posts thus far and that's fine (I'm honestly use to it), but I will ask you this on the off chance that you answer. If MM left his wife tomorrow and demanded you come with him what would you do? Would you go?

[TX-SC]

This really doesn't help her. OP, 66charger is on to something. Personally, I would go with the latter of his advice and divorce and hope your husband doesn't find out about the affair. One part that I looked over is that the BW is on to something. In fact, deep down she probably knows something has gone on between you and her husband. Just like if you confessed to your husband, he will automatically know who your AP is. Regardless of what you choose, you need to leave the AP alone.

 

Oops, I'm sorry if I came across as trying to help HER. It's the right thing to do for her husband so he can decide to stay or leave. Or, maybe he can just open up the marriage and they can both just screw whoever they want. But, it'll be a choice he gets to make.

[m.snow]

Thanks, I appreciate you answering.

 

Not everybody wants to hear the truth and in a situation where all it does is spread the misery around, there's really no point to it either. It's not going to make her better, it will make him feel worse, and saying "I feel terrible so I told you to make myself feel better" is no big favor or selfless act.

 

If she tells or not is up to her, but there is no set rule in stone that commands it be done and that it's always the best option.

 

There is an old saying "Veritas Liberabit Vos" A motto from my old school. It means "the truth shall set you free."

 

The Truth is not always what you "Want" but it is what you "Need".

Doing the right thing does always mean everyone will be less miserable but in the long run it will help them heal. They would learn from there faults.

[Shinebrightforever]

DKT3...sorry if you think I've been ignoring you. I have read everything everyone has posted. In fact, I have read this entire thread more than once from start to finish today. Just taking all comments into account.

To answer your question, if kids were still at home, I would not leave with him. If they were not, I would D my H to spend more time together, but still would try to keep it away from my kids view/knowledge.

Just being honest.

Punch away.

[m.snow]

I do have big decisions to make. Tell him and pray, or don't and divorce....that's a great way to put it.

 

We do appreciate you answering our questions.

 

knowing that your already deciding to tell your BH and ®Reconcile or (D)Divorce.

is a step forward.

 

but again if you're were to tell your H the truth. It may hurt him or make miserable but at least he will "Learn" something. he can take it as a lesson to fix this relationship, if you allow him. Or he can use it if he moves on as well.

 

we all have to learn to be independent physically,emotionally & financially.

 

 

don't be afraid of moving on or getting a divorce.

learn that the children would still live a happy life even in a divorce.

learn that you can set your self and your husband free. free to find a more deserving partner for each other.

Edited August 1, 2015 by m.snow

[Shinebrightforever]

Of course! I so appreciate everyone taking the time to read and comment, even if it's not easy to hear. Me answering questions is the least I can do.

 

Yeah, H deserves better. I feel a D is a fail, like I'm giving up. But I think I did that long ago.

[Shinebrightforever]

You want a honest answer from somebody, you got it. You can either mock her for what leads her where she does, or you can learn from it. Mocking her gets you nowhere, so maybe try listening to it.

 

Simple fact is that there is a degree of connection people share in an affair that meets a need in a way their marital partner isn't and that can drive you to chase it when you see it elsewhere. And the love we feel for different people in our lives isn't the same. I don't love my son like I love my husband or like I love my mother. And I certainly don't love my husband like I loved my ex husband, my first crush, or "the one that got away." It's all different and all of those loves satisfy different parts of me.

 

Thr fact that her husband doesn't love her and she doesn't love him in a way she loves her AP or her AP loves her makes total sense. I know the BS likes to float out there this theory that cheating has nothing to do with the cheater not loving them or being unhappy, but the reality is the AP is delivering something the BS isn't and it appeals to the cheating spouse, otherwise they wouldn't keep going for it.

Thank you for wording it better than I could...

[World's.Edge]

You want a honest answer from somebody, you got it. You can either mock her for what leads her where she does, or you can learn from it. Mocking her gets you nowhere, so maybe try listening to it.

 

Simple fact is that there is a degree of connection people share in an affair that meets a need in a way their marital partner isn't and that can drive you to chase it when you see it elsewhere. And the love we feel for different people in our lives isn't the same. I don't love my son like I love my husband or like I love my mother. And I certainly don't love my husband like I loved my ex husband, my first crush, or "the one that got away." It's all different and all of those loves satisfy different parts of me.

 

Thr fact that her husband doesn't love her and she doesn't love him in a way she loves her AP or her AP loves her makes total sense. I know the BS likes to float out there this theory that cheating has nothing to do with the cheater not loving them or being unhappy, but the reality is the AP is delivering something the BS isn't and it appeals to the cheating spouse, otherwise they wouldn't keep going for it.

 

There's really no need for this convoluted explanation because it has nothing to do with anything. The love one feels for the different people in their lives isn't the same, duh. No one needs to be told that you (plural) don't love your son like you love your mother, it's obvious.

 

Infidelity doesn't concern the kinds of love one has for the different people in their life. This is about marriage.. the relationship between two people who took a vow to love, honour and cherish each other.

 

If you no longer feel that connection with your spouse or you find it with someone else, then you either communicate that to them, perhaps work through it, or you end the marrage to pursue that "special" connection with the other person.

 

Marriage is essentally a relationship and not all relationships last. That's fine, feelings change, it happens. If the affair partner is "delivering something" the betrayed spouse isn't and it appeals to the cheating spouse, and that's reason enough for them to completely discard their vows and want to pursue a relationship, then you end the relationship like a mature, descent adult and you move on and afford your spouse the same consideration.

 

Why engage in an affair? Why disrespect, deceive and manipulate your spouse? Why keep up the pretense of fidelity? It's all just selfishness. You remove the betrayed spouse's choice to effect and decide on their future. Withholding this type of information (which solely benefits the adulterer) and engaging in an affair is cruel.

 

The affair on its own is horrible enough, but adulterers also go to great lengths to keep it a secret, usually to the neglect anddetriment of their spouse. There are lies, blame-shifting, psychological and emotional manipulation/abuse (gas-lighting, convincing the batrayed that their paranoid, crazy, insecure, etc) and the removal of time and resources from the marriage to invest into the affair.

 

There is nothing noble about an affair.

 

What kind of person is okay behaving like this? Adulteres try to approach infidelity from so many perspectives and with so many philosophies, justifications and the same cliché rationalizations but all cheaters know that affairs are wrong and harmful for two simple facts.. affairs are kept hidden and cheaters are afraid to reveal the truth.

 

There wouldn't be a need to hide, explain or justify affairs if the cheaters were convinced their behaviour wasn't wrong.

[jbrent890]

Of course! I so appreciate everyone taking the time to read and comment, even if it's not easy to hear. Me answering questions is the least I can do.

 

Yeah, H deserves better. I feel a D is a fail, like I'm giving up. But I think I did that long ago.

 

Sometimes it is a failure, but other times it has to be done. Reconciliation is hard. It takes two elements to be successful: a truly remorseful wayward and a forgiving betrayed. As I have said earlier, a four year affair is a tough pill to swallow. Your affair isn't the worse I have seen, but it is a very nasty one (hope thats not too harsh). As I and others have mentioned, you essentially tried to replace your husband. You have even gone so far to state that you would leave him for this guy if the kids weren't around. In order for you to R with your husband, you would have to be honest with him. Even if that truth is brutal. If I was in your husband's shoes, I would essentially feel like plan B. Your not really there because you want to be but because you feel you have to be. That is not the making for a successful R. Like I said, sometimes calling it quits is best for everyone involved.

[m.snow]

Yeah, H deserves better. I feel a D is a fail, like I'm giving up. But I think I did that long ago.

 

my father once told me; we are old enough to know whats wrong and whats right.

 

true everyone makes mistake's & no one is perfect. we slip up sometimes.

but we correct those faults.

 

good people do not conive, plot and scheme at others backs specially those we love.

deep down you know you are a good person and you'll do whats right.

 

and by either D or telling the truth. your starting a process to correct those.

 

D is not giving up. giving up is doing nothing. in D your giving him the opportunity to learn his faults and seek a more truthful life.

 

in D your freeing yourself to look for someone who deserves your love.

 

the children will always be loved and taken care. even in a d they will still have a mother and father.

Edited August 2, 2015 by m.snow

[66Charger]

Never mind. This is Simply twisted.

Edited August 2, 2015 by 66Charger

[66Charger]

 

D is not giving up. giving up is doing nothing. in D your giving YOU the opportunity to learn YOUR faults and seek a more truthful life.

 

in D your freeing HIM to look for someone who deserves HIS love.

 

the children will always be loved and taken care. even in a d they will still have a mother and father.

 

Corrected. And accurate

[Redheaded Mistress]

This is so tired, if one has the balls and selfishness to have an affair, then not confessing or owning its, isn't the time for a selfless act. Its all BS, it amounts to not wanting someone to see you for who you are, thus the claim that almost EVERY WS makes that the affair is sooooo outside who they are.

 

Or on the flip side, it's an attempt to purge your guilt by making the other person carry the load with you. A big ol "hey, i feel like crap, so I'm going to dump on you so you feel like crap too."

 

Nothing especially selfless in admitting you did something to somebody in an attempt to make yourself feel better. How many people here say the revelation of an affair blindsided them and they never saw it coming? And are we going to pretend that blindside is better than admitting you screwed up to yourself, reinvesting in your marriage, and not taking that extra step of pretending you did the world a favor in heaping your guilt on somebody else's shoulders for a supposed "fresh start?" Doubly so if you're getting a divorce and leaving anyway.

 

I think people on here confuse their need to find the nearest stake to hang all the cheaters from with some sort of moral imperative. As in, you, a total random anonymous person, think they're scum, therefore the whole of the real world "deserves to know who you really are" and thus you are wrong for not telling.

 

As everybody is so nice to remind her, she has kids to think about and that may mean that she she needs to suck it up buttercup and figure out how to fix her life by herself, without the ritualized flogging the pretense of lobbing a bomb out there as some sort of grand gesture of attonement.

[DKT3]

Or on the flip side, it's an attempt to purge your guilt by making the other person carry the load with you. A big ol "hey, i feel like crap, so I'm going to dump on you so you feel like crap too."

 

Nothing especially selfless in admitting you did something to somebody in an attempt to make yourself feel better. How many people here say the revelation of an affair blindsided them and they never saw it coming? And are we going to pretend that blindside is better than admitting you screwed up to yourself, reinvesting in your marriage, and not taking that extra step of pretending you did the world a favor in heaping your guilt on somebody else's shoulders for a supposed "fresh start?" Doubly so if you're getting a divorce and leaving anyway.

 

I think people on here confuse their need to find the nearest stake to hang all the cheaters from with some sort of moral imperative. As in, you, a total random anonymous person, think they're scum, therefore the whole of the real world "deserves to know who you really are" and thus you are wrong for not telling.

 

As everybody is so nice to remind her, she has kids to think about and that may mean that she she needs to suck it up buttercup and figure out how to fix her life by herself, without the ritualized flogging the pretense of lobbing a bomb out there as some sort of grand gesture of attonement.

 

Its not about attonement, its about giving the spouse the information to decide what path is best for them.

 

Everything about confessing is selfless since your pulling off your mask and allowing your spouse to finally see who you are, and giving them the choice to stay on go based on the TRUTH, and not the lie they have been sold.

 

Holding the information is as selfish as the affair itself. I don't think in this case she should confess simple because she used her kids in maintaining and covering for her affair. Once the kids find/figure it out it will cause untold damage to their veiws of relationships and her relationships with them.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Thanks, I appreciate you answering. There is an old saying "Veritas Liberabit Vos" A motto from my old school. It means "the truth shall set you free."

 

NP.

 

That would actally be the Bible that came from...

 

The Truth is not always what you "Want" but it is what you "Need".

Doing the right thing does always mean everyone will be less miserable but in the long run it will help them heal. They would learn from there faults.

 

At the end of the day, you're a random person on the internet. This is her real life. You have no way of knowing if people are better off in the long run and the revelation of an affair will help the cheater heal, or the people they cheated on heal, for that matter. People who cheat on a serial basis are not healed by a cheating revelation, and this board is littered with people who are months, years, even decades into dwelling on an affair lIke it happened yesterday. Are we really going to argue they're better off knowing when their spouse could have done a 180 or filed for a divorce and moved on without vomiting guilt on their BS?

 

Heck, let's go ask anybody who's been killed by their BS if they feel telling the truth "helped them heal."

 

You don't know if saying she should say something could be the catalyst to totally ruining her life, her husband's life, her kids life, the AP and his family's life, and being a headline on the news... You just don't know. So just announcing that "the truth will set you free" means you tell all and stand back and bask in your absolution, as opposed to the truth being you shut your fool mouth and deal with your bull on your own because the people around you couldn't cope... It's just very black-qnd-white.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Of course! I so appreciate everyone taking the time to read and comment, even if it's not easy to hear. Me answering questions is the least I can do.

 

Yeah, H deserves better. I feel a D is a fail, like I'm giving up. But I think I did that long ago.

 

Here's a pro tip about me... I hate to fail. At anything. Marriage, sports, heck, a game or Candy Land. My failed marriage and affair? Talk about a parade of fail. And it was no secret that I could keep. I got a divorce and everybody knew why I got a divorce. Because I was a big, ol' cheater who picked her AP over her husband. They knew my marriage was a fraud, they knew my affair ruined my AP's marriage, made his already mentally loopy wife even more of a mental case...

 

The worst part? None of it was true. And combating the gossip and trying to get my side out there? It literally made me fruit loops.

 

The most liberating day of my life was when I looked at my messy life, my 500 person town that knows everything about everyone, and said "yup, this happened. It didn't happen like you heard, but I don't care what you think because is none of your business" and I went on with my life. Seriously, I marched around town, in my husband's work, pretty much everywhere, like Scarlet O'Hara in her red dress at Melanie's party. Zero craps were given about how I looked like a failure.

 

Talk about a crash course in accepting your screwups.

 

Being through what I went through, honestly, I needed it in my life to be who I am now. It made me a better person, ultimately. Being able to say that there was a time I failed, spectacularly and publicaly, I know it made me a more sane, humble, sympathetic, understanding person. It's made me pause before judging people, it's made me value honesty to a point where I can say I never lie and have it be true. It's made me a better mother. It's generally made me a better, happier human.

 

What looked like a life-ending failure at the time now looks like a pretty darn big victory at this point in my life. So worry less about others think you're a failure and more about how you can 180 your life and be a person you're ok with

[Sassy Girl]

Of course! I so appreciate everyone taking the time to read and comment, even if it's not easy to hear. Me answering questions is the least I can do.

 

Yeah, H deserves better. I feel a D is a fail, like I'm giving up. But I think I did that long ago.

 

Yeah, he really does deserve better. He deserves someone who will love him exclusively the way you won't. He deserves someone who isn't pining away for another man. At the very least he deserves the respect to decide for himself if he wants to share you or look for what he REALLY wants.

 

Guess what? D or not, you already failed. Years ago. The divorce is just euthanising your marriage. Please, put it out of its misery. You've crossed too many lines to go back. The marriage you knew was dead. Time to do the honourable thing - for your husbands sake. THAT is what he deserves which is in your power to give.

 

Or, you can keep being selfish.

 

Who do you want to be?

[jbrent890]

NP.

 

That would actally be the Bible that came from...

 

 

 

At the end of the day, you're a random person on the internet. This is her real life. You have no way of knowing if people are better off in the long run and the revelation of an affair will help the cheater heal, or the people they cheated on heal, for that matter. People who cheat on a serial basis are not healed by a cheating revelation, and this board is littered with people who are months, years, even decades into dwelling on an affair lIke it happened yesterday. Are we really going to argue they're better off knowing when their spouse could have done a 180 or filed for a divorce and moved on without vomiting guilt on their BS?

 

Heck, let's go ask anybody who's been killed by their BS if they feel telling the truth "helped them heal."

 

You don't know if saying she should say something could be the catalyst to totally ruining her life, her husband's life, her kids life, the AP and his family's life, and being a headline on the news... You just don't know. So just announcing that "the truth will set you free" means you tell all and stand back and bask in your absolution, as opposed to the truth being you shut your fool mouth and deal with your bull on your own because the people around you couldn't cope... It's just very black-qnd-white.

 

But Redhead, your making not confessing sound like some noble act. I'm a firm believer that if the cheater wants to keep their mouth shut, then don't stay in the marriage. Contrary to what you may or may not believe, I would say there are more people who would want to know if they were cheated on than those who don't. Heck, I have even encountered people who gave the advice "keep your mouth shut" have admitted to me that they would want to know if they were cheated on. The sad reality is most people cheat and stay in their respective relationships and hide behind the notion that them being silent is for the BS's benefit. That mindset to me is just as narcissistic as their cheating. A cheater keeping their mouth shut is for their benefit. You even eluded to it yourself your post. Now I could see if the BS would not want to know. There are plenty of those cases out there. But most of the people who had to find out from other means that they were cheated on would have preferred to have found out from their cheating partners. At the end of the day, I think it is wrong to take someone's choice on how they live their life away from them. Surely you can understand that.

[Redheaded Mistress]

Its not about attonement, its about giving the spouse the information to decide what path is best for them.

 

Everything about confessing is selfless since your pulling off your mask and allowing your spouse to finally see who you are, and giving them the choice to stay on go based on the TRUTH, and not the lie they have been sold.

 

Holding the information is as selfish as the affair itself. I don't think in this case she should confess simple because she used her kids in maintaining and covering for her affair. Once the kids find/figure it out it will cause untold damage to their veiws of relationships and her relationships with them.

 

It's about as selfless to confess to an affair in a situation where you don't have to as it is to go up and shoot your partner in the face and announce "now you know I'm capable of shooting you in the face and you can now decide if you really want to stay with me or not. Aren't you grateful? Aren't I wonderful for thinking of you and your needs?"

 

I'd say there's a pretty decent split of people who advocate yelling the truth is equally spread amongst people with sociopathic tendencies who truly believe that they are great people for inflicting pain on others and the others who suggest it because they enjoy the drama it brings to the boards as they watch a marriage implode... With a healthy sprinkling of those who enjoy watching a cheater and thus "the enemy" get "what's coming to them."

 

There is zero logic behind saying the kids will be screwed up forever when they find out... So you'd better go tell them and get it out there because it's what's best, it's what's honorable, and they'll appreciate it. If it will screw them up and ruin them, then clearly, telling them isn't the best thing to do, is it? It certainly isn't selfless... It's admitting it'll hurt them and telling them anyway because it "pulls off your mask," which is both a lie and self-serving, selfish, and, as I said above, truly a sociopathic trait if done out of a belief their pain somehow makes you more honest.

[66Charger]

Arguing with a cheater is like arguing with a drunk.

Foreign words to them.

Honor

Respect

Dignity

Vows

 

This one is who she is. And so is Red. They wont change. There are those who really try to make a difference. Really try to tell someone they are hurting others, that what they are doing is wrong on a fundamental level. That loving someone is not hurting someone.

 

Then you have the deceivers that whispers in the ear. Tells them its not their fault. Go ahead, you wont get caught. Keep on lying for the children. His feelings are not important. These people have no honor and simply only care for themselves and thats the advice they give. And people like this OP listen and thank them for the advice.

 

This is who they are and who they will always be. Always pray that you never marry one of these.

 

The unworthy

[Redheaded Mistress]

But Redhead, your making not confessing sound like some noble act. I'm a firm believer that if the cheater wants to keep their mouth shut, then don't stay in the marriage. Contrary to what you may or may not believe, I would say there are more people who would want to know if they were cheated on than those who don't. Heck, I have even encountered people who gave the advice "keep your mouth shut" have admitted to me that they would want to know if they were cheated on. The sad reality is most people cheat and stay in their respective relationships and hide behind the notion that them being silent is for the BS's benefit. That mindset to me is just as narcissistic as their cheating. A cheater keeping their mouth shut is for their benefit. You even eluded to it yourself your post. Now I could see if the BS would not want to know. There are plenty of those cases out there. But most of the people who had to find out from other means that they were cheated on would have preferred to have found out from their cheating partners. At the end of the day, I think it is wrong to take someone's choice on how they live their life away from them. Surely you can understand that.

 

No, I don't get this idea that you're doing somebody a favor or somehow being less narcissistic by sharing you had an affair simply because the ever subjective and undefinable "most people" would want to know. What "most people" would want really doesn't mean much if the person's partner, the one involved, wouldn't want to know. Or, better yet, if we were honest and said that while most people say they would want to know if their spouse was cheating, an overwhelming majority would most likely also say that they don't ever want to hear their spouse has cheated. Considering most people don't wait for the day their spouse says "FYI, had an affair" with baited breath, saying that one must or should tell they had an affair is the best thing to do would be clearly wrong.

 

If the spouse has an inkling, it has come up, or you're dealing with a safety issue, a life change issue (ie, you're pregnant, you're about to be fired, etc), or things of that nature... Obviously, don't be a jerk. Let them know. You're doing no favors ro anybody by keeping it to yourself.

 

But if nobody knows, nobody has a clue, you're done, you're staying and you've re-invested yourself, or alternatively, you're leaving and that's it and final... What you're looking at is a situation where you dealing with your own demons alone is it's own soul eating punishment. No need to drag along anybody else because it won't make you or them feel better. You're not being selfless by telling them, you're again putting your needs before theirs, trotting your issues before them, and seeking some sort of twisted satisfaction in being able to say "at least I was honest."

 

Whoopdie do for honesty on that front. It was a bit too little, a bit too late, certainly isn't a point of consolation for the BS, and now you've lumped your plate of dog crap onto their lap so you can both be miserable.

 

I think there is clearly a benefit in some cases to just be honest and tell the truth. Just like I think there are plenty of situations where you could admit your mistakes to yourself, deal with a situation you created for yourself by yourself, and none is the wiser. This whole "I love you so much I had to rock your world and tell you how dishonest I was to show you how honest and good I am" bit I just do not buy. For some it's continued selfishness. For others, a total disconnect on how this will impact their partners. For others, it's a great way to project their situation on others and watch the fallout.

 

The overreaching solution is to let people gauge their own situations and figure out what's best. Like I said, there is no black-and-white, one size fit's all solution here. If there was, this wouldn't be a debate.

[Hope Shimmers]

Just like anything, the individual situation is what matters. There is no “one size fits all”. We know only what the OP has said – and regarding the OP’s husband, we know almost nothing. I would venture a guess that OP knows her husband and marriage better than anyone, so she might be best qualified to decide whether telling him is best.

 

Of course, that means we have to assume that she will do what she believes to be in her husband’s best interests rather than her own. But she is here posting, unlike the other millions of others in her same or similar situation so that right there says something positive.

 

 

Like I said, I am in no position to give moral advice or tell people what they should be doing, so I will just share MY experience. Several years into our affair, after ex-MM had gone back to his wife but was still hanging onto me, he decided one day out of the blue that he was going to tell his wife that he loves me. I thought it was a horrible idea, because I knew enough about what she was like as a person. But he went ahead with it and it was a complete disaster… she KNEW.

 

The first thing she did was start crying hysterically after he said that and was FURIOUS with him for telling her. She kept saying “WHY did you have to tell me? Things were going okay.” She begged not to be told any more. But she cried hysterically all night; he was crying too, talking to me on the phone and it sounded like people were dying. She was devastated, she didn’t want to know even though she “knew”. Hearing him say it meant she had to face it, though, and she didn’t want to and couldn’t. I will forever be sorry he told her (and, obviously, that I allowed the whole thing to happen in the first place), and he is as well. I don’t know what he was hoping to accomplish by it; he said it wasn’t a guilt thing but that’s hard for me to believe now.

 

I would think the OP’s husband might wonder about this “close friendship” with the AP that he does know about. Especially if it has been going on for four years.

Edited August 2, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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