Husband just got fired for stealing

[Rejected Rosebud]

What are the good points of your marriage? Or even of your relationship before marriage? Be honest.

[Gloria25]

If he had any sense, instead of stealing his employer's equipment, he would have drafted a project and proposed it to management on how they could make a profit off of old phones, scapped equipment, etc. He could even take it on as a collateral duty and/or as a private contractor with his employer and do it on his free time (as he was doing when he stole it) and share the profits with his employer. And, he could put that on his performance review and become the company's star employee...

 

Many employers have employee suggestion programs. Some people even get awards for their recommendations. Years ago, when I first joined the army I drafted a proposed plan on how to recycle stuff at my job. I found the need for it, and brought it to my command's attention.

 

That's what you do if you wanna get in good graces with your employer - not steal from them.

 

And so what if they are old phones, they're the company's property. The issue with employers isn't "what" he stole, but that he proved he cannot be trusted. All of this identity theft and stuff now a days are more than likely caused by "humans" rather than the system/machines. If you really do some good investigation, it boils down to employees stealing people's identity and/or not putting in proper safeguards for people's info.

[hotgurl]

AB,

I had an ex that sounds similar to your husband. He could never take any responsibility for his actions. It was never his fault.

 

He stoles an expensive wedding ring and pawned it. Dumb ass, the pawn shop had cameras and he signed his own name to the receipt.

 

Of course he got caught, felony charges etc.... But it was the ring owners fault because she pressed charges.

 

The main problem with this line of thinking is that the person is never able to grow. They will always be stuck where they are because they are incapable of learning from their mistakes and moving forward.

 

I don't really have any good suggestions except accept your husband for who he is now, not what you want him to be. And decide if you can live with it.

[pink_sugar]

AB,

I had an ex that sounds similar to your husband. He could never take any responsibility for his actions. It was never his fault.

 

He stoles an expensive wedding ring and pawned it. Dumb ass, the pawn shop had cameras and he signed his own name to the receipt.

 

Of course he got caught, felony charges etc.... But it was the ring owners fault because she pressed charges.

 

The main problem with this line of thinking is that the person is never able to grow. They will always be stuck where they are because they are incapable of learning from their mistakes and moving forward.

 

I don't really have any good suggestions except accept your husband for who he is now, not what you want him to be. And decide if you can live with it.

 

I agree. I think it's important to sit down and think about whether or not you can accept him as he is. Counseling only really works if both parties put in the effort, but it won't work if it's one sided. He has issues and honestly I think he would benefit from individual counseling as well to work on his own issues...but there is no making him do it. I have been guilty of this too at some point, but you're mommying him (enabling, telling him what to do, nagging) etc and I'm not saying you're not right to be frustrated or wrong for trying to give him advice, but you have to take a step back and let him take responsibility for himself and either accept him or move on with your life. Being on his case is just making it worse, though I can appreciate how you're feeling. Does he have ADHD at all? I know it's common for those with ADHD to be immature mentally. (My dad and brother have it and it's amazing how immature and selfish they are) though it could also have to do with his upbringing.

 

Great to hear you're financially savvy. Also, not sure where you guys get your hair done, but you can also go to beauty colleges for haircuts and styling for considerably less if you can't do your own. My beauty school is only $10 for haircuts. My husband would eat out a lot at work as well and it was pretty frustrating as I seemed like the only one who was trying to cut back. However, I have found that now that we have the same schedule, making the effort to ask him if he has his lunch ready for work each morning usually helps. We usually buy inexpensive prepackaged foods for reasonable price or take leftovers. He's been a lot better in not making fast food runs when there is something in the fridge he can just grab and go.

Edited July 30, 2015 by pink_sugar

[Haydn]

Why are you enabling him? He needs to grow up and see that you cannot do everything for him. I have read now your past threads and i worry. Your daughter needs a bloke who can stand up when things are grim. And so do you.

Do you see any light at the end of the tunnel?

 

I do understand A. Love is like that, it really is. You never know who you feel that connection with and why sometimes.

 

But he cannot throw tantrums for much longer when things don`t go his way. He should be the one seeking help and showing you he can get through this. Not tell you to get off his case! He has a family.

 

I hope this didn`t come across too harsh, you sound like a smashing girl who deserves everything positive from life.

[whichwayisup]

I can't believe I'm writing this.

 

My husband just got fired this morning for taking a few older phones from work and selling them off on eBay.

 

He was one of the two IT managers at the company, so he had his hands in everything in terms of access and inventory. He didn't think they would miss them because they were already deploying newer ones. He was caught because one of the people he sold a phone to had trouble activating it, so they contacted the carrier, and turned out the phone was registered to the company. This happened last Friday.

 

This morning first thing, HR was on premises and they fired him. He packed up his stuff and they escorted him out of the building.

 

I took the rest of the day off to come home and support him, but he's obviously not in a good state of mind and asked to be left alone. So, instead, here I am writing this.

 

I feel so shocked, and kind of angry, that he jeopardized our livelihood like this. He was fired for cause, so he is not eligible for unemployment. I'm an IT manager as well, and I make a good living, but we will not be able to make ends meet without his income.

 

Has anyone been in this kind of situation before? Does anybody have any kind of advice to offer?

 

Thank you,

 

-A

 

I feel for you. He did a real bone ass stupid thing. Why though?! Did he need the extra money? His excuse is lame, didn't think anybody would notice or care since they are old phones. Tough lesson learned, now his reputation is crap and he's put you and the family in a situation where it's going to be harder to make ends meet.

 

I don't have any real advice except just love him and forgive his major error in judgement. Hopefully he'll get another job soon.

[Noproblem]

You need to talk with his company

claiming he had mental issues recently

 

so maybe they can let him go without firing him..

 

So another advice is to start your own business, you can't steel from yourself. can you.

 

Another option is to go and live overseas.

[TaraMaiden2]

Something is really wrong with him mentally.

You think....?

 

 

I reached out to my counselor to see if she had an emergency appointment available

I think the general consensus of opinion is that perhaps you should be reaching out for a lawyer....

 

(she didn't) and she said that he's obviously in crisis and there's little point in trying to reason at the moment. He's incapable of listening and understanding anything I have to say, because he's overwhelmed dealing with his own emotions, so anything I say is going to push him over the edge.

 

This is enabling him. Making excuses and allowances for his fractious childish immature moods.

 

 

 

Anyway, that aside...

....Perhaps you are right, but I find it difficult to give up now when our marriage had been doing so much better the last few months.

When you consider how bad it's been for so long, this has lulled you into a false sense of security.

He's screwed up. Your marriage is NOT doing so much better, because he has sabotaged it.

 

Again.

 

Last night he was saying how he's lost all of his ambition, motivation and self-steem. To me, the dealbreaker will be if he doesn't do anything to try to find a job.

 

That is as loud and clear a warning that he is NOT going to be making any huge, groundbreaking efforts, any time soon, to find anything remotely connected to earning money.

He's warning you - he doesn't actually WANT to work....

 

I will give him some time to deal with his emotions and make an effort. If he does, who knows... maybe not all is lost?

 

Ok, if you'd like to take those pink-tinted glasses off, I think they need a lens replacement.... Or simply hurling into the nearest bin...

 

You have to be kidding me if you're really trying to convince me there's any truth in that wish....

 

 

Really?

[CarrieT]

I will give him some time to deal with his emotions and make an effort. If he does, who knows... maybe not all is lost?

Here is the big question, Arabella: Effort aside, can you mentally envision yourself spending the next ten, twenty, or thirty years with this man?

[applej4]

I can't read this whole thread, I just wanted to add my voice to the "people f*ck up sometimes and life goes on" camp.

 

Geez, I can see who of those on here I would NOT want on my side if things went wrong.

 

Yes he stole and it was dumb, but they were old phones! I have seen phones come and go. 99% of the time, they go for good, end up in a pile and eventually get recycled. Yes he should have gotten permission to take them, but IMO, it was an error in judgement, I don't think he was trying to make a killing off the company's property, he thought they were done with them.

 

Personally, I think the company's gestapo techniques are a little over the top. It's almost akin to stealing staples. Whoa!

 

Now I don't condone that either, people should not steal from a company any more than they should steal from a private individual but in the grand scheme of things, it seems a petty crime.

 

Also, I'm abhorred to see so many people advocating divorce over this! He has been unemployed for two days and OP should just throw in the towel? WTF?

 

Yep, I know who I would NOT want in my corner.

 

Ken

 

Kenmore, I think you are being grossly unfair.By your own admission, you haven’t read the thread, and obviously you haven’t read prior threads about this relationship.The man has a long history of abuse. OP herself says he is mentally unstable.You see this as comparable to “stealing staples” – really?You’re acting as if husband just got fired, he’s been unemployed 2 days, so people are telling OP to leave him. WHAT?! That is not the case at all.Lastly, this is not about who you would want in your corner/on your side.

[Tobin]

Last night he was saying how he's lost all of his ambition, motivation and self-steem. To me, the dealbreaker will be if he doesn't do anything to try to find a job.

 

Sounds like he's slipping into depression. Depression makes people irritable and anxious while at the same time it saps your energy and motivation.

 

Don't let him withdraw too far, because with depression the worse it gets, the harder it is to turn it around, and from a logical point of view the only way he's going to feel better is to get another job and if he gets too depressed to look for a job, or it affects how he presents himself in a job interview, he'll get caught up in a downward spiral.

 

Medications may be necessary at least for the short term, you might want to discuss this with him. It's not uncommon for someone with sudden job loss to feel just as he does.

[kenmore]

Kenmore, I think you are being grossly unfair.By your own admission, you haven’t read the thread, and obviously you haven’t read prior threads about this relationship.The man has a long history of abuse. OP herself says he is mentally unstable.You see this as comparable to “stealing staples” – really?You’re acting as if husband just got fired, he’s been unemployed 2 days, so people are telling OP to leave him. WHAT?! That is not the case at all.Lastly, this is not about who you would want in your corner/on your side.

 

That's true. I do not know their history and spoke out of turn. I didn't reply to pink sugar because I didn't think starting a side-track was in the best interest of the thread.

 

It's just that I'm a bit sensitive to people quickly divorcing because of a seemingly insignificant thing (not that their history points to that, I still haven't read it and honestly don't wish to invest my time at this point) and especially sensitive to ANYONE suggesting to anyone that they get a divorce. I firmly believe that's up to the people involved, and suggestions that they do are frankly reckless.

 

While the thread is in the business area, perhaps if there is so much history that people have been following it should be in the relationships area. Since it was in the business area, I treated it as such and spoke of the business ramifications and my perspective of people advocating divorce. I took it all at face value, which has its own usefulness. Since I mention I hadn't read it all and obviously don't know the history, it can be taken as such.

 

However, in the grand scheme of things, you are correct. I stopped posting because just like in the case of Mapper, I felt like an outsider and like my opinions aren't correct or wanted. I can't afford to spend half of my days keeping up with everyone's drama.

 

I do appreciate you bringing it up!

 

Ken

[Got it]

Kenmore, the problem is, if one isn't reading for context, then they are assuming and extrapolating items that may not have anything to do with the situation at hand.

 

It isn't that your wrong in your opinion, no one is wrong, but you may assume a great deal about your personal life and extrapolate it into the situations you are reading about.

 

In regards to being purely business focused. If one has a spouse that is doing things that are negatively hitting the family, in some situations, separating/dividing finances, is in the family's best interest to protect itself financially.

[Arabella]

Guys,

 

I am still reading this thread, just haven't had much of a chance to respond. Husband and I have spent the last two days re-writing his resume and figuring out the strategy for his new job search. That's the plan for pretty much the whole weekend.

 

A couple of interesting things he said over the last two days, "Thank you for not leaving me" and "I could never do that to my family" (when I said I thought he might take off and go back to his home state).

 

This may not mean much in a normal relationship, but they do mean something to me, considering how completely unappreciated I have been in the past.

 

I will address the latest posts and give you guys an update once this weekend is over

 

Thanks again for all the input.

 

-A

[OpenBook]

Husband and I have spent the last two days re-writing his resume and figuring out the strategy for his new job search. That's the plan for pretty much the whole weekend.

 

Smart move. And you're doing it together. That's an incredibly positive thing.

 

A couple of interesting things he said over the last two days, "Thank you for not leaving me" and "I could never do that to my family" (when I said I thought he might take off and go back to his home state).

 

See, all the (good) things you see in him that we can't... is why you are by far the best person to make the call on this situation. To me (an anonymous outsider) this is a good indication that there's a lot of love in there (your relationship). Build on that.

 

Well done! Onward and upward.

[kenmore]

Kenmore, the problem is, if one isn't reading for context, then they are assuming and extrapolating items that may not have anything to do with the situation at hand.

 

It isn't that your wrong in your opinion, no one is wrong, but you may assume a great deal about your personal life and extrapolate it into the situations you are reading about.

 

In regards to being purely business focused. If one has a spouse that is doing things that are negatively hitting the family, in some situations, separating/dividing finances, is in the family's best interest to protect itself financially.

 

Yes this is true. I fully admit it. It's just that if things are said in a thread (like about her husband taking old phones and selling them on Ebay) and no other previous illegal or unethical things he may have done in the past are mentioned in the thread, then I can't know about them unless I just happen to be familiar with her history.

 

It seems people who are posting here know about a history of things that have gone on for, I don't know, years? Not being privvy to this information made the comments seem harsh. I can't say the OP or others are wrong for knowing the history and not mentioning it here, it would seem redundant, but it did put me at a disadvantage.

 

So, I am not "hurt" thinking people thought my opinions were wrong, but I know enough to understand that there is inside information I don't know here and I shouldn't post about it anymore.

 

Arabella, I truly hope you and he can get him employed again soon and that things work out for you. I envy your loyalty. Hugs!

 

Ken

[ManyDissapoint]

Guys,

 

I am still reading this thread, just haven't had much of a chance to respond. Husband and I have spent the last two days re-writing his resume and figuring out the strategy for his new job search. That's the plan for pretty much the whole weekend.

 

A couple of interesting things he said over the last two days, "Thank you for not leaving me" and "I could never do that to my family" (when I said I thought he might take off and go back to his home state).

 

This may not mean much in a normal relationship, but they do mean something to me, considering how completely unappreciated I have been in the past.

 

I will address the latest posts and give you guys an update once this weekend is over

 

Thanks again for all the input.

 

-A

 

You sound like an upstanding wife. Thanks for supporting a problematic, but seems like a good at heart man.

[pink_sugar]

Guys,

 

I am still reading this thread, just haven't had much of a chance to respond. Husband and I have spent the last two days re-writing his resume and figuring out the strategy for his new job search. That's the plan for pretty much the whole weekend.

 

A couple of interesting things he said over the last two days, "Thank you for not leaving me" and "I could never do that to my family" (when I said I thought he might take off and go back to his home state).

 

This may not mean much in a normal relationship, but they do mean something to me, considering how completely unappreciated I have been in the past.

 

I will address the latest posts and give you guys an update once this weekend is over

 

Thanks again for all the input.

 

-A

 

Has your H spoken with his employer about what might affect his search? Will anything be on his prior employment record that other employers could see? I have known people who have gotten fired from previous jobs for similar things as your husband. Once such example was a guy who was a cashier for a grocer and he was under-ringing up items...basically purposely not scanning all the groceries to save his girlfriend some money. He did find another job relatively quickly though. He definitely should put no to contact on any employment applications though.

[Popsicle]

He should be glad that all he got was fired to wake him the hell up from his comfortable little slumber. I know people who are doing time, a lot of time. NEVER get comfortable and take things for granted!

[Got it]

Has your H spoken with his employer about what might affect his search? Will anything be on his prior employment record that other employers could see? I have known people who have gotten fired from previous jobs for similar things as your husband. Once such example was a guy who was a cashier for a grocer and he was under-ringing up items...basically purposely not scanning all the groceries to save his girlfriend some money. He did find another job relatively quickly though. He definitely should put no to contact on any employment applications though.

 

No, in the US there would be nothing that would be made public outside of a conviction or potentially a bad reference. And most employers would not tell you ahead of time about the reference (though few would go through the potential legal headache, even if they were in the right, of a slander case).

[Lois_Griffin]

I bring it up because: where exactly is the line between what's acceptable to grab, and what isn't?

 

For example, a CRT monitor that the company hasn't used in 15 years. Worthless, right? What if I told you that you can actually make money off that? I could show you a pile of scrap metal and old computer parts worth a thousand dollars, and you would have sworn it was junk.

 

I don't justify what my husband did. I know it was wrong. But at some point he crossed the line between something relatively harmless, and obviously premeditated theft of valuable property. Do YOU know where that line was?

So that means I could take some of the older model things in my HR office (an old badge laminating machine, an older flat panel monitor sitting on a shelf, an older fax machine) and sell them on ebay? Or is it only the IT Dept. that has the 'right' to take older things from their employer and sell them and keep the proceeds?

 

Gotta be honest. I work in HR and the offer letters and job descriptions for our IT people are NO DIFFERENT than they are for anyone else - and they certainly don't contain any type of permission to sell company property for their own gain - no matter HOW outdated it may be. If I'm not allowed to do it and the folks on the production floor aren't allowed to do it, then why should IT be any different?

 

I'd have to wonder why a household with two professionals bringing in pretty decent salaries would STILL necessitate one of them having to supplement that income with stolen goods on ebay.

 

Even more troubling is how you 'excuse' his rotten past abusive behavior by saying once you got a job and he was no longer blaming YOU for the financial situation at home, he's 'not abusive anymore.'

 

I don't think you realize how very sad it is that you're actually excusing his past treatment of you because "its all better now because I got a job."

 

You sound very codependent.

[Lois_Griffin]

Guys,

 

A couple of interesting things he said over the last two days, "Thank you for not leaving me" and "I could never do that to my family" (when I said I thought he might take off and go back to his home state).

 

This may not mean much in a normal relationship, but they do mean something to me, considering how completely unappreciated I have been in the past.

I sincerely meant it when I said I believe you're co-dependent. It seems no matter what this guy has done or how he's treated you, or how insecure you've allowed him to make you feel, you STILL cling to him like grim death and act so appreciative for every lousy crumb he throws you. Such a shame.

[Lois_Griffin]

This morning I woke up a little after 6 am, just as always. While I was getting dressed, he woke up and I asked what were his plans for the day. He gruffly told me he didn't know and that he wanted to sleep a bit longer. Of course, I still had to wake up our daughter, get her fed and dressed and drop her off at daycare.

 

I'm honestly pissed off. But I'm also struggling with my duty as a wife. Is it not my job to support him when life gets rough? I mean, he made a mistake, yes... but does that really warrant me withdrawing all support from him? We're all human and make mistakes.

 

Amaysngrace, you're definitely right in one thing... I do feel like his anger has conditioned me to behave in a certain way, which often involves downplaying and/or ignoring things he does that are wrong. This morning I was pissed off, but I didn't show it because I knew he would get angry with me if I said anything.

 

Last night, while I was on the computer posting stuff here on Loveshack, we were having a casual conversation about what happened, while he was doing something else. He said he was stressed and needed a couple of days to tie loose ends and collect his bearings, and my telling him that he needed to get a job 3 hours after he lost it didn't help. I responded, in the most neutral tone of voice I could muster, that he brought this upon himself and that it was affecting me too, and I needed to know what his plan was. That alone angered him and started yelling at me. I ignored it and kept posting here.

 

I hate how he's acting. He messed up royally, and he's acting like I'M the problem for wanting to know what's going on, and wanting some reassurance that he's doing something about it. But I can't say a damn thing about it.

 

Would it be reasonable to give him a couple of days, as he asked, and then see what he does?

 

-A

Maybe you should start treating HIM the same way he treated YOU when you weren't working - with daily emotional and verbal abuse because of all the financial 'stress' you were causing him when you weren't working.

 

Hey, that sh*t treatment towards you worked for him. Instead of realizing you were allowing yourself to be completely disrespected by this assclown, you instead jumped through hoops to appease him and got a job.

 

Well, now it's his turn to appease YOU by jumping through hoops and getting a job so you're not under all this 'financial stress.'

 

Don't be surprised when he doesn't jump. And don't be surprised when he doesn't lift a damned finger around the house even though he's going to be home all day until he's working again. I'm sure all the household duties and child rearing have all been on your shoulders from Day #1 and haven't changed since you started working. They won't likely change now either, with him home. So you'll be working two jobs and he'll be working none. How lucky can a girl get?

[Lois_Griffin]

Has your H spoken with his employer about what might affect his search? Will anything be on his prior employment record that other employers could see? I have known people who have gotten fired from previous jobs for similar things as your husband. Once such example was a guy who was a cashier for a grocer and he was under-ringing up items...basically purposely not scanning all the groceries to save his girlfriend some money. He did find another job relatively quickly though. He definitely should put no to contact on any employment applications though.

I think each company has its own standard as to what information they'll release to prospective employers who call for a prior employee verification.

 

I'm only allowed to give out the factual basics - hire date, termination date, salary, job title. If they were laid off due to a reduction in workforce, I can say that because it wasn't their fault they were terminated. But I'm not allowed to divulge the reason(s) for termination if it was for cause. And that's because the company is a bit paranoid about lawsuits brought against us by prior employees who weren't able to get another job based on information we provided to the prospective employer. Yeah, logically, that's crazy, but because the legal fees for silly crap lawsuits like that are REAL, we have a policy not to divulge if someone was terminated for theft or inappropriate touching, etc. etc.

 

Maybe the OP's husband will be REAL lucky and the HR Dept. will have the same policy my company has.

 

Or not.

[kenmore]

Damn Lois, don't pull any punches lol.

 

Pink, even IF an HR dept head told you something about what they will tell another prospective employer, you couldn't count on it. After all, they are made up of people and people lie. Rarely will someone look right at you and speak the truth if they think it will hurt you in any way. I'm not saying this is bad, it's what separates us from the animals, but regardless he would need to expect the worst.

 

Lois, it's interesting what you said about not disclosing a cause. It makes perfect sense and I suspect most larger companies will have a similar policy. It [kind of] opens the door to someone with a lack of ethics doing as they please if word gets out. Don't let anyone in your company know what you just told us!