Husband just got fired for stealing

[Arabella]

Agreed. This crime made no sense. AND he doesn't know it was wrong. And despite being an "IT genius" beyond compare, he didn't think that he could get caught when the serialized phones with their unique MAC IDs traceable to the legal owner were brought live on the network. Heck, plenty of 10-year-olds could have told him that!

 

Well, on the bright side, you have all the facts you need about this individual. It's not like he's been hiding his dark side from you, leaving you vulnerable to finding out down the road he's abusive, self-destructive, and afflicted with poor judgment, along with criminal tendencies etc.

 

Actually, that's not what happened. These phones were brand new and in the box, so he had no reason to believe that any issues would arise. I could go into the technical details, but just trust me when I tell you that it wasn't immediately obvious.

 

Honestly, this side of him isn't unknown to me. He's done plenty of questionable crap in the past, but nothing quite this dangerous or major...

[Els]

 

What's grating on me right now is that he's acting entitled with me. He's annoyed at me asking questions about his plans going forward. He says I'm attacking him because I want him to get looking for a job right away and that he's overwhelmed.

 

I mean, really?

 

I hope this doesn't offend you, but I think the reason he is behaving like this is because you are enabling it by pushing the issue of his awful behaviour under the rug (as you have with a lot of other things). You're defending him and acting like he did nothing wrong, and he believes that he didn't do anything wrong, so that's why he construes the natural consequences of his actions as 'you attacking him'.

[Arabella]

I hope this doesn't offend you, but I think the reason he is behaving like this is because you are enabling it by pushing the issue of his awful behaviour under the rug (as you have with a lot of other things). You're defending him and acting like he did nothing wrong, and he believes that he didn't do anything wrong, so that's why he construes the natural consequences of his actions as 'you attacking him'.

 

I think you're right to a point. However, I don't think that me getting angry would get me anywhere.

 

As you well know, he never takes any accountability for his crappy actions, no matter who's the one being hurt by them.

 

Funny, I told him he should call his boss in a few days and apologize, and he told me he already did.

 

I haven't gotten an apology out of him in years, despite the **** he's done to me.

[Arabella]

Arabella, right now you need to concentrate on figuring out your budget, go over your assets, figure out what you can drop, talk to your utility company, phone company....explain your situation....sometimes they have payment plans for when people get in bad situations. Ask...it doesn't hurt to respectfully ask and if you have been a good customer, you will sometimes find a sympathetic soul. I know you feel stressed....make sure you take care of yourself. Try meditation, exercise and yoga or read something uplifting...listen to soothing music...eat a proper diet and get enough sleep so you can emotionally deal with the fall out from this.

Good luck and keep us posted....sending you positive energy,

Grumps

 

Thank you, I appreciate that.

 

What I REALLY need is for him to step up and say "Hey, since I'm not going to be working for a while, I'll take care of our daughter in the mornings and drop her off at daycare." I really would like not to have to get up at 6 am while he sleeps in every day.

 

But even the mere suggestion of him helping around the house while he's here was met with comtempt.

 

Sigh.

 

Off to bed for now. More tomorrow.

[Arieswoman]

Arabella,

Your husband seems to have a real problem with boundaries. He could certainly do with some therapy to investigate his rationale, however, I'm sure your budget at the moment couldn't run to this.

 

He certainly needs to get back into the job market and this should be a priority.

 

After that you need to think about how long you want to continue to bail out this troubled person.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/526747-should-i-get-divorce-reality-check-needed

 

Good luck. x

Edited July 28, 2015 by Arieswoman

[MidwestUSA]

What the heck is your problem?

 

 

Ignore it and get a good night's rest.

[Els]

Thank you, I appreciate that.

 

What I REALLY need is for him to step up and say "Hey, since I'm not going to be working for a while, I'll take care of our daughter in the mornings and drop her off at daycare." I really would like not to have to get up at 6 am while he sleeps in every day.

 

But even the mere suggestion of him helping around the house while he's here was met with comtempt.

 

I think you're right to a point. However, I don't think that me getting angry would get me anywhere.

 

As you well know, he never takes any accountability for his crappy actions, no matter who's the one being hurt by them.

 

Funny, I told him he should call his boss in a few days and apologize, and he told me he already did.

 

I haven't gotten an apology out of him in years, despite the **** he's done to me.

 

A, he is going to continue being this way because there are no consequences for his actions. Because you let him get away with it. Getting angry at him at this stage WOULD have a chance of getting you somewhere, because otherwise he knows that no matter what he does, you're just going to grumble a bit and then smile and put up with it and pick up all the slack.

 

IMO you should tell him that you are going to leave unless he:

1) Gets professional help

2) Starts doing things around the house

3) Acknowledges that he was WRONG to do what he did and to actually take concrete steps to make things right

[pink_sugar]

Hi Arabella, I am so sorry to hear this has happened. Unfortunately, I can't say I am too surprised. I remember your posts from a couple years back about his abusive behaviors with you, so sadly I cannot say I'm too shocked about the way he's been acting at work. I would really spend a lot of time thinking about your future together. His life choices are really going to put a major strain on your marriage and not to mention made it difficult for him to secure another job. I think you and your baby deserve someone who will treat you both right and make more responsible decisions.

[xxoo]

I think you're right to a point. However, I don't think that me getting angry would get me anywhere.

 

As you well know, he never takes any accountability for his crappy actions, no matter who's the one being hurt by them.

 

Funny, I told him he should call his boss in a few days and apologize, and he told me he already did.

 

I haven't gotten an apology out of him in years, despite the **** he's done to me.

 

Getting angry could get you out of this marriage. He isn't going to change. It will be one thing after another, and never his fault. He has the moral reasoning of a child.

[amaysngrace]

I'm really sorry to say this A but after reading your thread about the wake-up call for divorce and what you say here in this one I'm convinced you married a loser.

 

Sometimes when we live with abusers we aren't even ourselves after a time....we are just being the person our partners taught us to be...so that we don't set them off....because we know what they are capable of.

 

A lot of what you say sounds so eerily familiar to me especially the way you play everything down.

 

Then you go on about what's really going to bother you ie: him not waking up.

 

Why doesn't any of this other stuff bother you? You are that programmed to tune out his negative behavior or something?

 

He stole. He risked jail and basically said F you to you and his children. But what did you expect when he yells at an infant?

 

You know what? My exH did that too. Told our preemie to STFU from another room rather than comforting her.

 

Your loser sounds so much like my loser it isn't even funny.

[Got it]

He was fired with cause. Given today's employment climate, and the difficulty even qualified, "laid off" employees have finding jobs, your husband will probably never work again, at least not in that particular field. He could probably find something at the minimum wage level but it sounds like that won't get you too far.

 

It's time to consider that you are in for a huge cost of living change, and you're going to have to buckle down.

 

You can't even divorce him, because he's jobless and you'd end up paying him support.

 

Wow, actually not true. The recession is over and unemployment continues to drop. IT positions are actually heating up quite a bit so, of course geography matter, finding a job can be quite easy now.

 

Also, if she divorced now, his potential earnings are factored in. Just because he is unemployed, due to being terminated, does not mean she will be responsible for supporting him. Divorce doesn't work like that in most states. It may impact child support she may receive though.

Edited July 28, 2015 by Got it

[Arabella]

This morning I woke up a little after 6 am, just as always. While I was getting dressed, he woke up and I asked what were his plans for the day. He gruffly told me he didn't know and that he wanted to sleep a bit longer. Of course, I still had to wake up our daughter, get her fed and dressed and drop her off at daycare.

 

I'm honestly pissed off. But I'm also struggling with my duty as a wife. Is it not my job to support him when life gets rough? I mean, he made a mistake, yes... but does that really warrant me withdrawing all support from him? We're all human and make mistakes.

 

Amaysngrace, you're definitely right in one thing... I do feel like his anger has conditioned me to behave in a certain way, which often involves downplaying and/or ignoring things he does that are wrong. This morning I was pissed off, but I didn't show it because I knew he would get angry with me if I said anything.

 

Last night, while I was on the computer posting stuff here on Loveshack, we were having a casual conversation about what happened, while he was doing something else. He said he was stressed and needed a couple of days to tie loose ends and collect his bearings, and my telling him that he needed to get a job 3 hours after he lost it didn't help. I responded, in the most neutral tone of voice I could muster, that he brought this upon himself and that it was affecting me too, and I needed to know what his plan was. That alone angered him and started yelling at me. I ignored it and kept posting here.

 

I hate how he's acting. He messed up royally, and he's acting like I'M the problem for wanting to know what's going on, and wanting some reassurance that he's doing something about it. But I can't say a damn thing about it.

 

Would it be reasonable to give him a couple of days, as he asked, and then see what he does?

 

-A

Edited July 28, 2015 by Arabella

[veggirl]

Daycare??? Why would you pay for daycare when you have an unemployed husband who can watch his child for free??

[Els]

Would it be reasonable to give him a couple of days, as he asked, and then see what he does?

 

-A

 

It might have been reasonable if he had apologized, admitted his wrong, and asked for this nicely. Not reasonable given that he expects it and yelled at you for requesting otherwise.

 

And yeah, veggirl asked the question that was in my mind, too. Since the two of you are needing to cut down on spending due to him being out of a job, he should be the SAHD until he can find another job. Perhaps that would motivate him to search faster...

[Arabella]

Daycare??? Why would you pay for daycare when you have an unemployed husband who can watch his child for free??

 

How do you figure he's going to be able to look for a job when he's tied to a toddler? I tried to do that myself at the beginning of the year when I was trying to get back to work, and it was impossible. Have to write up applications, respond to calls and have long conversations on the phone with recruiters, not to mention be available to interview. You just cannot do this with a toddler in the house.

 

Plus, if I pulled her from daycare now, her spot will be filled by the time he finds a job and she has to return.

[hotgurl]

My husband's employer is NOT pressing charges. They just asked him to cut them a check for the profits that he made, after shipping and auction fees. All of $300. For context, he sold 4 brand new iPhone 4s that were leftover after the company started deploying iPhone 5s.

 

Prior to this situation, my husband was their single most productive and brilliant employee. A true one-man IT department, from top to bottom. His boss apologized to him on their last performance review because he couldn't give him the raise he deserved -- he knew my husband was getting paid about half of his market rate. Imagine that, after all this was said and done... the other manager (recently promoted to director) actually told him he would STILL give him a positive recommendation!

 

So, that said... this is not out of character for him. He's done it before, but it used to be true junk with little value. Tons of IT people scavenge old equipment that is otherwise going to be thrown away. As a manager, I've seen employees do this ALL the time and, generally, nobody cares. However, he took it too far by taking something that was brand new and still had plenty of resale value, even if it was kind of outdated.

 

My husband's state of mind as of late hasn't been good. Worse than usual, even taking into consideration his depression. When he texted me this morning to tell me he was fired, I was immediately concerned about what he might do. Plus, he was supposed to be taking our daughter to a doctor's appointment, and I didn't think that he would be capable. That's why I took the rest of the day off, and I was glad I did. He was visibly shaken when he got home.

 

He said he did it because he didn't think it was possible for him to get caught, since he was the one who managed the carrier account as well as the inventory. He just wanted some extra cash to pay off his credit card.

 

We've talked and right now he's just trying to tie loose ends but he's going to be looking for a job again soon. I'm not concerned about his ability to find a new job (he truly is a rare gem in the IT field -- I say that as a manager, and a wife), but it may take a few months. In the meantime, things are going to be pretty tough around here.

 

As for the past abuse situation... I've been in therapy for several months now, and believe it or not, after I got a job, the abuse tapered down to almost zero. He still has days when he's not particularly nice, but he's no longer mean and nasty like he used to. My therapist believes that the stress caused by the financial difficulties when I was staying at home with our daughter caused him to act out like that -- he perceived me to be the "cause" of the problem for not having a job. When the situation was resolved, the abuse went away. Not acceptable, of course... but it seems a plausible explanation.

 

Funny how that goes. Now that he's unemployed, I would NEVER treat him the way he treated me then...

 

I don't agree with the bolded my husband is in IT and nobody takes old equipment much less sells it.

 

His mind set is troubling. I know someone one embezzled money same thought process. He was owed it because he wasn't payed well, he wouldn't get caught, it was just to catch up etc....

[Arabella]

I don't agree with the bolded my husband is in IT and nobody takes old equipment much less sells it.

 

His mind set is troubling. I know someone one embezzled money same thought process. He was owed it because he wasn't payed well, he wouldn't get caught, it was just to catch up etc....

 

Okay, perhaps that's not standard practice where your husband works. I've seen it happen in many companies (I am an IT manager too). But I'm talking about old stuff taken occasionally when things are going to be thrown out, not brand new phones...

 

Nevertheless, I agree that it is a troubling mindset. He knew he wasn't paid well and apparently thought he'd make it up with some side cash. I said many times that I thought he should find a new job instead but he always said he didn't want to go through more changes again.

 

Figures. Now he's definitely going to have to go through another job search, whether he likes it or not... And the odds are not stacked in his favor.

[Haydn]

Perhaps having him do some full time childcare would be good for him? Maybe jolt him into realising what could be at stake if he doesn`t get his act together...

 

Just a thought.

[Arabella]

Perhaps having him do some full time childcare would be good for him? Maybe jolt him into realising what could be at stake if he doesn`t get his act together...

 

Just a thought.

 

To be honest, I'm not sure that's in my child's best interest. I don't know if you're familiar with any of my other threads, but long story short... my husband is mentally unstable.

[UpwardForward]

This morning I woke up a little after 6 am, just as always. While I was getting dressed, he woke up and I asked what were his plans for the day. He gruffly told me he didn't know and that he wanted to sleep a bit longer. Of course, I still had to wake up our daughter, get her fed and dressed and drop her off at daycare.

 

I'm honestly pissed off. But I'm also struggling with my duty as a wife. Is it not my job to support him when life gets rough? I mean, he made a mistake, yes... but does that really warrant me withdrawing all support from him? We're all human and make mistakes.

 

Amaysngrace, you're definitely right in one thing... I do feel like his anger has conditioned me to behave in a certain way, which often involves downplaying and/or ignoring things he does that are wrong. This morning I was pissed off, but I didn't show it because I knew he would get angry with me if I said anything.

 

Last night, while I was on the computer posting stuff here on Loveshack, we were having a casual conversation about what happened, while he was doing something else. He said he was stressed and needed a couple of days to tie loose ends and collect his bearings, and my telling him that he needed to get a job 3 hours after he lost it didn't help. I responded, in the most neutral tone of voice I could muster, that he brought this upon himself and that it was affecting me too, and I needed to know what his plan was. That alone angered him and started yelling at me. I ignored it and kept posting here.

 

I hate how he's acting. He messed up royally, and he's acting like I'M the problem for wanting to know what's going on, and wanting some reassurance that he's doing something about it. But I can't say a damn thing about it.

 

Would it be reasonable to give him a couple of days, as he asked, and then see what he does?

 

-A

 

You can't control another person, not even your husband.

 

If I were you (and learning from experience), I would concentrate on your Own future and a back up plan. Strive toward that, in your mind - if nothing else.

 

If situation doesn't change, get out when you can.

 

Right now, it appears you have another child to worry with, rather than a help-meet/mate.

[sandylee1]

Wow. You wouldn't get fired without going through a disciplinary investigation and hearing in the UK. Even when it's clear you did wrong.

[amaysngrace]

Wow. You wouldn't get fired without going through a disciplinary investigation and hearing in the UK. Even when it's clear you did wrong.

 

Here bosses conceal carry and so do the guys who walk you out the door so it's best to just say "okay", pack your things and go.

[Arabella]

Wow. You wouldn't get fired without going through a disciplinary investigation and hearing in the UK. Even when it's clear you did wrong.

 

Things are very different in the US.

 

There was a brief meeting with HR, when they asked him point blank if he took the phones and sold them on eBay. He admitted to it. They went over the specifics of what he took and what he should repay, and they terminated him. The entire thing lasted less than an hour.

 

That's it.

[carhill]

Stealing is very common in my industry, as are 'government jobs' (using company equipment to do work on the side for cash) and people are routinely fired for it. They don't care because the skills are so in demand that they'll be hired the next day by a competitor because companies are always short-handed of skilled mechanics and machinists. From talking with owners, it's the same with IT folks, the people who manage the company information systems and machine and process controls. Those people are gods. Yeah, if they exceed the acceptable amount of corruption, they do get fired but get picked up right away by someone else.

 

H got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. He's terminated and will hopefully pay back what he owes, if not already done. Now he can move on. Plenty of demand for someone with his skills. Business is war, except, hopefully, no one dies. That's how it goes. Some battles are won, some are lost. Move on.

[xxoo]

 

Amaysngrace, you're definitely right in one thing... I do feel like his anger has conditioned me to behave in a certain way, which often involves downplaying and/or ignoring things he does that are wrong. This morning I was pissed off, but I didn't show it because I knew he would get angry with me if I said anything.

 

Last night, while I was on the computer posting stuff here on Loveshack, we were having a casual conversation about what happened, while he was doing something else. He said he was stressed and needed a couple of days to tie loose ends and collect his bearings, and my telling him that he needed to get a job 3 hours after he lost it didn't help. I responded, in the most neutral tone of voice I could muster, that he brought this upon himself and that it was affecting me too, and I needed to know what his plan was. That alone angered him and started yelling at me. I ignored it and kept posting here.

 

I hate how he's acting. He messed up royally, and he's acting like I'M the problem for wanting to know what's going on, and wanting some reassurance that he's doing something about it. But I can't say a damn thing about it.

 

Would it be reasonable to give him a couple of days, as he asked, and then see what he does?

 

-A

 

When you are out of work, he takes his anger out on you.

 

When he is out of work, he takes his anger out on you.

 

You are his figurative punching bag. None of this is reasonable or acceptable.

 

Your daughter is growing. What is she seeing? Who is she going to model after: you or him? What is going to happen when he yells at her? Is she going to learn to stuff all of her feelings and accept his poor treatment, or is she going to learn that bullying is the way to get what you want?