I smelled sex on my husband

[Vapors]

It is illegal in the state I live in to record a conversation, unless all parties have been informed that they are being recorded. So the placing of the VAR has made me a criminal. Nice. However, I do not plan on using the recordings for anything but confirmation or disproval of my suspicions, and hope that this will be enough to keep me out of trouble. Our state is "no fault" for divorce, so being able to prove infidelity would do nothing for me, settlement-wise.

 

I have looked at the phone records, and there has been a lot of contact between my husband and his ex. A lot. Way more than I feel can be innocently explained away. I've been considering whether to confront him about the amount of communication, but knowing how he reacted before, I'm pretty sure he will deny and attempt to explain it away. In addition, I don't know if it's a good idea to clue him in to the fact that I have access to his phone records.

 

I guess I just need to wait for the VAR to provide me with what I consider a "smoking gun". As someone pointed out, I don't need to convince him that he's being or has been unfaithful, I only need to convince myself.

[oldshirt]

It is illegal in the state I live in to record a conversation, unless all parties have been informed that they are being recorded. So the placing of the VAR has made me a criminal. Nice. However, I do not plan on using the recordings for anything but confirmation or disproval of my suspicions, and hope that this will be enough to keep me out of trouble. Our state is "no fault" for divorce, so being able to prove infidelity would do nothing for me, settlement-wise.

 

I have looked at the phone records, and there has been a lot of contact between my husband and his ex. A lot. Way more than I feel can be innocently explained away. I've been considering whether to confront him about the amount of communication, but knowing how he reacted before, I'm pretty sure he will deny and attempt to explain it away. In addition, I don't know if it's a good idea to clue him in to the fact that I have access to his phone records.

 

I guess I just need to wait for the VAR to provide me with what I consider a "smoking gun". As someone pointed out, I don't need to convince him that he's being or has been unfaithful, I only need to convince myself.

 

 

 

I am sorry you are going through this but you are catching on.

[HereNorThere]

I am waiting on a VAR from amazon now, it should arrive tomorrow. Unfortunately, it seems the service I bought that would have allowed me to see my husbands text messages is going to be useless. Because he has an iPhone that is not "jailbroken", my choices were limited to a service that would tap into information stored in the cloud, which could be accessed using his apple ID and password. However, it seems that he has changed them, and I can't think of a valid way to get the new info without raising his suspicions. I feel my best bet is going to be the VAR, as well as getting his phone records, which I'm working on.

 

I feel like I'm riding a wave of adrenaline that won't end. The stress is really starting to wear me down. Maybe it's because I know if my suspicions are correct, that my marriage is over. The sex I may have been able to get past. Even the enormous betrayal might not have been enough to make me throw in the towel without a serious effort to forgive. What's really killing me is that if he did screw another woman that day, he has so little respect for me that he couldn't even be bothered to wash her off of him before coming home and getting intimate with me. He let me put him, and therefore her, into my mouth. It just sickens me that the man I love, the man I have been unwavering faithful to, could demean me and our marriage so horribly. Seriously, is there anyone who could forgive something like that?

 

Jail breaking an iPhone is a very, very simple process. I can point you to what you need if you'd like.

[minimariah]

It is illegal in the state I live in to record a conversation, unless all parties have been informed that they are being recorded. So the placing of the VAR has made me a criminal. Nice.

 

no one needs to know you're using the VAR - especially not your husband. keep that for yourself and once you have your information - get rid of it. if you do discover something - DO NOT EVER tell him how you discovered it. protect yourself in all of this.

 

I guess I just need to wait for the VAR to provide me with what I consider a "smoking gun".

 

don't ask him anything. continue with your life and watch out, keep your eyes open. just wait. he'll screw up eventually.

 

when you find some kind of proof, do not confront him with it. keep that proof for yourself, it is enough for you to tell him that you know everything and that you're 100% sure.

[CarrieT]

I've been considering whether to confront him about the amount of communication, but knowing how he reacted before, I'm pretty sure he will deny and attempt to explain it away. In addition, I don't know if it's a good idea to clue him in to the fact that I have access to his phone records.

Wait. Bide your time until you can confirm his whereabouts and actions.

 

Lay low and wait until he is comfortable again with doing what he was doing. Best to catch him in the act, I am sorry to say...

[minimariah]

Jail breaking an iPhone is a very, very simple process. I can point you to what you need if you'd like.

 

it's tricky because - if she jailbreaks into his phone, he'll know.

 

after jailbreaking, she needs to reset the phone to get it back to original settings so if she doesn't find anything, that will cue him in with what's going on.

 

can't do the jailbreak without him noticing something was done on the phone.

[beach]

The VAR will either prove or not prove his involvement with her.

 

Once you know one way or the other you don't need to inform him of the way you got your info. It may be a non issue IF he's innocent. If he's guilty of wrong doing never admit how the info was obtained.

 

 

You are providing this info for yourself... So you can make a decision that's in the best interest of your future.

 

Have you seen any of his recent texts with her?

[Southern Sun]

Say NOTHING about the phone records at this point. NOTHING. It will give him further head's up that you are watching him.

 

The deleted texts are a very bad sign. A man who has nothing to hide, hides nothing. He is saying something to her he doesn't want you to see. He is saying something to his best friend he doesn't want you or anyone to see. Plain and simple. Best friend is likely in on it, which makes sense, considering the story from the beginning. Is he a friend from high school, like her?

[fellini]

Perhaps. The var will only tell you what you can hear from the var.

Just as I think it is ludicrous, given your already very strong moral position on intrusion, to make assumptions about the contents of deleted texts, you cannot make assumptions from conversations that were not recorded. What you want is POSITIVE evidence, not NEGATIVE evidence - not positive evidence, necessarily that he is cheating, but actual recordings of HIM talking to HER privately.

 

Can you cross check one thing: you seem to have the date and time information on a huge number of telephone contact. Good. Now can you determine that the MAJORITY of those calls PROBABLY took place in his car (i.e. at a time he would NOT be at work or NOT be at the gym or NOT be at lunch?) Because if you can, then the VAR will probably do it's work. But if it turns out he doesnt Drive Under the Influence of an Affair, then your VAR is not going to help you out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The VAR will either prove or not prove his involvement with her.

 

Once you know one way or the other you don't need to inform him of the way you got your info. It may be a non issue IF he's innocent. If he's guilty of wrong doing never admit how the info was obtained.

 

 

You are providing this info for yourself... So you can make a decision that's in the best interest of your future.

 

Have you seen any of his recent texts with her?

[jen1447]

It is illegal in the state I live in to record a conversation, unless all parties have been informed that they are being recorded. So the placing of the VAR has made me a criminal. Nice. However, I do not plan on using the recordings for anything but confirmation or disproval of my suspicions, and hope that this will be enough to keep me out of trouble. Our state is "no fault" for divorce, so being able to prove infidelity would do nothing for me, settlement-wise.

All states recognize no fault divorce, but some also recognize fault divorce. The distinction tho as I understand it is that with no fault, you don't need a reason (or more specifically you need an approved reason, which is easy to satusfy - "irreconcilable differences" et al.) The thing is, I don't know that no-fault means you automatically get an equal split. (In fact I'm pretty sure it doesn't.) Which means you could indeed fatten your split in a no-fault state by 'building a case.'

 

Typically infidelity is used as a mitigating factor for child custody considerations, but you may want to consult an attorney as to what your financial consideration options are. It's when we go down this road that knowingly committing felonies, admitting to them, and providing evidence of your guilt (i.e. using the VAR) can be problematic, bc if you want evidence for your case, you have to present it. But presenting evidence of your own criminal wrongdoing in the process is a very bad idea.

 

If you file for divorce and sue your husband for $150,000 in damages due to allegations of infidelity, or ask for a similar settlement based on same, someone is most definitely going to ask you at some point how you know about the infidelity and ask you to substantiate it.

 

I have looked at the phone records, and there has been a lot of contact between my husband and his ex. A lot. Way more than I feel can be innocently explained away. I've been considering whether to confront him about the amount of communication, but knowing how he reacted before, I'm pretty sure he will deny and attempt to explain it away. In addition, I don't know if it's a good idea to clue him in to the fact that I have access to his phone records.

In what way do you have access to his phone records? If you have a joint wireless account as a married couple, your access to his phone records is entirely legit, being as you're an account holder on the account that has the information you're interested in. If you're getting it some other way, be extremely careful, bc in recent years, fraudulent gathering of cellular information has gotten a lot of attention from lawmakers and it's now decidedly illegal to get that info surreptitiously in most cases.

 

I guess I just need to wait for the VAR to provide me with what I consider a "smoking gun". As someone pointed out, I don't need to convince him that he's being or has been unfaithful, I only need to convince myself.

 

If all you're convincing is yourself and you have no other intentions with the information and methods beyond your peace of mind, fine. No need to tell anyone about any of your methods. But if that's not so, you should really tread carefully with how you operate. The last thing you want to do is provide your husband with ammo in this circumstance. That's why, in general, ppl serious about divorce in hostile or non-cooperative domestic circumstances should a. hire an attorney to act on their behalf and give them legal advice, and b. act on that attorneys recommendations to retain a PI to gather evidence for you professionally and ethically as a third (disinterested) party to the process. The attorney may even employ the PI for you, tho you'll end up paying for them yourself, only through the attorney.

 

I'm not just talking out of my butt here btw - I'm getting this info via direct line to ppl in the know who live and operate in this world professionally.

[whichwayisup]

It is illegal in the state I live in to record a conversation, unless all parties have been informed that they are being recorded. So the placing of the VAR has made me a criminal. Nice. However, I do not plan on using the recordings for anything but confirmation or disproval of my suspicions, and hope that this will be enough to keep me out of trouble. Our state is "no fault" for divorce, so being able to prove infidelity would do nothing for me, settlement-wise.

 

I have looked at the phone records, and there has been a lot of contact between my husband and his ex. A lot. Way more than I feel can be innocently explained away. I've been considering whether to confront him about the amount of communication, but knowing how he reacted before, I'm pretty sure he will deny and attempt to explain it away. In addition, I don't know if it's a good idea to clue him in to the fact that I have access to his phone records.

 

I guess I just need to wait for the VAR to provide me with what I consider a "smoking gun". As someone pointed out, I don't need to convince him that he's being or has been unfaithful, I only need to convince myself.

 

Then hire a PI. Borrow the money from a trusted friend or a family member if you can't afford it on your own. Hiring a PI will at least confirm what you already know.

[Vapors]

If the VAR records them talking to each other in a way that no reasonable person could conclude is platonic, then I will consider hiring a PI. At this point all I am trying to do is uncover irrefutable proof, for myself, that he is acting inappropriately with her. I honestly don't know what I will do if he is. It's easy to say I'll kick the mother****er to the curb, that our marriage will be over, but I don't know if I can throw away all of the years together, the family, home, business: the life we have built. Also, I love this man with all my heart. Even through all the anger and adrenaline, I still look at him and think "I love you as much today as I always have." I think the only way I know for sure I would not be able to stay with him is if he confessed, or I found out for sure some other way, that he did indeed sleep with her that day, and then came home and stuck his penis into my mouth. I don't think I could overcome such humiliation and utter disrespect shown to me by the person who is supposed to care for me and protect me.

 

Last night was really tough. I asked him to come see a movie with our daughter and myself, and he jumped down my throat, for no discernible reason. So we went without him. He texted me a couple hours later apologizing for being "grumpy", and when we got home he was in a completely different mood. Happy, singing along to this obnoxious song he's been playing over and over. When we went to bed, I tried initiating sex with him, and for only the second time in our relationship, he couldn't get an erection (the first time was years ago, and we had already had sex multiple times that day). I tried for a while, and finally told myself he must be exhausted or something, and just lay down beside him. I continued to stroke his skin, but I didn't want to make him feel bad for not being able to perform, so I avoided touching his penis. He suddenly lashed out at me, saying "I'm not a toy!" It was bizarre. He stormed out of the bedroom, and didn't return for the rest of the night. I don't understand what I did that made him so angry. I was left crying alone in our bed.

 

I know I have to wait, be patient, lie low and gather my evidence, but HOW do people do this without cracking up? I feel like my marriage is slipping away through my fingers, and I'm just standing there, watching it happen. Everything he does, everything he says, I'm seeing through the lens of betrayal. It's all suspect, and it's killing me. I guess I never understood what an enormous asset the trust I gave him was, until it disappeared. Now, I can't relax in my own home. Every time his phone rings, or a text comes through, or he leaves the house, my heart pounds and I feel ill. How long can this last? What if they only communicate via text, and the VAR never records anything? I don't know how many more days of this I can handle. How long did all of you have to wait before you had the evidence you needed?

[PussySlam]

You already know for sure, because you smelled it for yourself. That's your proof. You're second-guessing yourself because understandably, you don't want to believe he'd do that.

[Vapors]

In what way do you have access to his phone records? If you have a joint wireless account as a married couple, your access to his phone records is entirely legit, being as you're an account holder on the account that has the information you're interested in. If you're getting it some other way, be extremely careful, bc in recent years, fraudulent gathering of cellular information has gotten a lot of attention from lawmakers and it's now decidedly illegal to get that info surreptitiously in most cases.

 

We are not on a mobile plan together. He is on a joint account with one of his family members, whom I had to take into my confidence in order to access the records. However, since this person is the primary account holder, and gave me permission to view the records as well as the passcode for the account, it should be above-board, correct? I am also not at all worried that this family member will clue my husband in to the fact that I'm snooping. We have a very close relationship, and this person sympathizes utterly.

[jen1447]

We are not on a mobile plan together. He is on a joint account with one of his family members, whom I had to take into my confidence in order to access the records. However, since this person is the primary account holder, and gave me permission to view the records as well as the passcode for the account, it should be above-board, correct? I am also not at all worried that this family member will clue my husband in to the fact that I'm snooping. We have a very close relationship, and this person sympathizes utterly.

 

Yes, I believe that's so (bolded). Nice work.

 

If you're interested, I can give you my take on why you're feeling so conflicted and disoriented with all this. But I don't want to just shout in your ear if all you really need is a hug.

[Redheaded Mistress]

I think you're at a point now where you have to realize a couple of things:

 

1. Clearly, your marriage is in a weird spot. Unless he's a moron, he knows it too. Time to sit down and talk about what's going on, how it makes you feel, ask how he's feeling, and talk about what to do. If he's receptive, then really talk it out. If he's not, tell him you need to start doing things to take care of yourself, be it IC, and be frank... Tell him what you need and what you'll do for yourself and with what end-goal in mind. Fixing the marriage, helping yourself, etc etc. Be careful about popping out with divorce or separation... Once you've played that card, you have to be prepared to both use it, or be prepared that it's something in your relationship that you can say and never, ever, ever take back. Then go about doing what you said you'd do. See what he does, if he keeps up, or if he falls behind. Things will get clearer for you, with or without proof of an affair. Proof that, honestly, you don't need at this point. You can start repairing your marriage or protecting yourself now, without hearing all the dirty details.

 

2. You need to take ownership in what part you're playing now in the situation that could negatively impact what's going on. By the past conversation you had, you know he took horribly to the implication he's cheating. If you do all this digging, all this investigative work, you need to ask yourself if there will ever be enough to prove to your satisfaction he's not cheating, or if you're now setting up a situation where he's guilty until proven guilty. Meaning, if one course of investigation turns up nothing, will that mean you're convinced he's not cheating, or will it mean you need to amp up the investigation to "check" him. You also need to understand that, cheating or not cheating (but especially if he's not cheating), you may find yourself in a position where, if he's not cheating, you've ruined the marriage and the trust based off of your actions, not his. Recording conversations, checking phones, getting access to phone records, installing GPS... That's a big deal. It's not easy to get over a situation where your spouse trusts you so little that they're willing to do that much to "catch you." For all you know, the person who he's sharing his phone plan, who's his family and clearly probably loyal to him, told him that you came to him or her looking for information because you think he's cheating and he's lashing out about that.

 

3. Once you find out he's cheating, what are you going to do?

[Grapesofwrath]

Let me start by issuing the caveat that this experience happened with a boyfriend, not a spouse. The decision to end the R was much easier, as a result, because we did not share children, a family, home, assets, etc.

 

Having said that, it nearly drove me around the bend trying to figure out whether he was cheating. I had every reason to believe that he was, but his gaslighting and manipulating had my mind turned into a pretzel. I couldn't eat, sleep, or focus at work. I just didn't want to believe the obvious truths that were staring me in the face. (Like finding a pair of women's panties in the drawer of his guest bathroom. His housekeeper is a lovely woman who always laundered and folded my things and put them in the closet for me. This time, she knew to put them in the back of a drawer in the guest bath because she recognized they were not mine.)

 

When I would inquire about things that concerned me, he would do one of the following:

 

1) Get angry

2) Accuse me of being immature and insecure

3) Tell me that I am imagining things

4) Deny doing it, but then tell me that he should go ahead and cheat since I think he is anyway.

 

Here is what I learned: whether he is actually sleeping with this ex-gf or not is important to know, but not the only issue. Right now, you know for sure that he is manipulating you by ignoring your feelings and being willfully cruel. As others have stated here, a healthy response to your question would be conversation, reassurance, and transparency. Not anger, avoidance, and blame.

 

Regardless of what you discover, this issue should be addressed with him for your own well-being.

[elaine567]

Last night was really tough. I asked him to come see a movie with our daughter and myself, and he jumped down my throat, for no discernible reason. So we went without him. He texted me a couple hours later apologizing for being "grumpy", and when we got home he was in a completely different mood. Happy, singing along to this obnoxious song he's been playing over and over. When we went to bed, I tried initiating sex with him, and for only the second time in our relationship, he couldn't get an erection (the first time was years ago, and we had already had sex multiple times that day). I tried for a while, and finally told myself he must be exhausted or something, and just lay down beside him. I continued to stroke his skin, but I didn't want to make him feel bad for not being able to perform, so I avoided touching his penis. He suddenly lashed out at me, saying "I'm not a toy!" It was bizarre. He stormed out of the bedroom, and didn't return for the rest of the night. I don't understand what I did that made him so angry. I was left crying alone in our bed.

 

 

I may be completely wrong here, but this is how I interpret this situation, if he is in fact cheating on you, which I must say I expect he is.

 

You and daughter are going to the movies, he doesn't want to go, he sees an opportunity.

He manufactures a bad mood and an argument to allow him to avoid going.

You go with your daughter.

He is alone in the house, safe in the knowledge you are not coming home anytime soon, he contacts the OW. They meet have sex, or he spends the time sexting her.

The 2 hour text to you was not to apologize for being grumpy, it was to keep you sweet and to make sure you were not coming home unexpectedly.

 

Having had contact with the OW, he is thus in a very good mood, I guess the annoying obnoxious song has something to do with her too.

YOU go to bed, he is not up for sex, he cannot even get an erection, he has just had his fill, and you are not flavour of the month anyway.

He feels trapped, he gets annoyed, lashes out and then storms out of the bedroom, to avoid any questions you may want to ask, as to what is really going on here.

 

Stop messing around any longer, it is not doing you any good whatsoever.

Just get a PI and solve it once and for all.

[66Charger]

How much is enough Vapors. You are really taking a mental pounding.

 

Prepare yourself. Strength and Honor.

[turnera]

It's pretty obvious he's cheating. And you say you love him SO much that you're not sure what to do. So let me get you thinking about that next step. No matter how much you love him, that won't make him stop wanting sex with her - or more. She has a REALLY STRONG pull on him emotionally. So it may not MATTER how much you love him because by now he may be unwilling to give her up.

 

So I'll give you the advice that's built on us seeing thousands of women in your exact same shoes: you have to be willing to LOSE your marriage, to eve have a chance at saving it.

 

What that means is that if he isn't 100% convinced that he will lose you totally if he doesn't give her up, it's almost a certainty that he won't give her up.

 

It literally DOES come down to: her or me.

 

And you have to be willing to ENFORCE that if he chooses her (or tries to keep you both by lying).

[Vapors]

How much is enough Vapors. You are really taking a mental pounding.

 

Prepare yourself. Strength and Honor.

 

I don't know how much will be enough. I just wish I had a confession, or some irrefutable, concrete piece of evidence. Far-fetched though it may be, there is still a chance that all of these things have an innocent (or somewhat innocent) explanation. Perhaps he DIDN'T wash well that day, and what I was smelling was the result of him sweating in the heat with the remnants of the previous night's sex on him. Perhaps all the texts back and forth with the ex WERE about their son, or other topics that have nothing to do with an affair. Perhaps his strange moods are a result of him subconsciously picking up on MY torment, or are a result of being accused of infidelity. Granted, while each of the "red flags" taken individually could be explained away, it's much harder to dismiss them as a whole - and my gut tells me that I have been betrayed. But I don't know for sure, and obviously my husband will never confess and give me some form of peace...I have to discover proof on my own. There's also a chance that his relationship with his ex, while inappropriate, has yet to cross the line into a physical affair. I just don't KNOW.

 

Husband has just now informed me that the trip out of town to see his son is back on, and yet again I am not invited. He also does not want to drive there, but insists taking the bus will be cheaper. He says he will be staying in a hotel. I cannot take this any more.

[PussySlam]

This is not to make you feel any worse, but they say that once you suspect something like infidelity, it's already much worse in reality than you have allowed yourself to imagine it to be.

 

There is no reason for him to blow up at you and sleep on the couch, just because he couldn't get it up. He's feeling GUILTY.

[minimariah]

How long did all of you have to wait before you had the evidence you needed?

 

i'm really sorry you're going through this.

 

just like you said -- everything seems suspicious now & once the suspicion creeps in... it's very hard to bounce back from that.

 

after your first confrontation - did he ever offer any kind of counseling or asked how can he help you overcome the negative feelings? after the initial outburst -- did he ever sit down with you and tried to initiate a calm conversation about everything? how do you think he'll react if you mention counseling or wanting to separate & divorce...?

 

again, i'm really sorry you're going through this.

 

the hell of constant suspicions is the worst.

[CarrieT]

Husband has just now informed me that the trip out of town to see his son is back on, and yet again I am not invited. He also does not want to drive there, but insists taking the bus will be cheaper. He says he will be staying in a hotel. I cannot take this any more.

Perfect!

 

Now is the time to hire a P.I. to trail him and get the evidence for you.

[No Limit]

You know, this is what's really feeling worse than the actual betrayal to an outsider - reading how people are making steps toward a realization that will change their lives for the worst, and even if it's just temporarily they're terrified. I'm really sorry this is happening to you, but I'd still like to urge you to contact a PI. He will bring you results - results that cannot be misinterpreted or denied - real quick, and that will be far healthier for you than this uncertainty. As of now, you aren't sure what you will do once you confront your husband with proof - and that's absolutely okay. Make that decision based on how he behaves the next time you confront him, with the evidence in hand. And while the PI is doing the digging for you, please spare yourself the attempts to please him. You won't get a love or even half-decent reaction from him, his focus is on his other woman and even if he doesn't show it, ever since your first confrontation he's been as terrified as you are now.

 

Please, hire a PI. And at least talk to an attorney, protect yourself, your kids, your assets. You don't need to let him treat you this way. Or are you financially dependant on him?