I smelled sex on my husband

[Vapors]

I might be the minority here but I'm wondering. No sane man cheats if he is in an angelically made relationship, unless there are some issues, big or small. I mean, I can't imagine my husband being so much happy with me, telling me and showing me he loves me, everything is going great and suddenly boom, I smell another woman on his penis. It sounds crazy and doesn't add up in my opinion. So I have to ask, how is your relationship other than having a very good sexual life? You said his ex appeared out of nowhere and they have a son together and they are in contact cause of that a lot. You said you supported him, but DID you really support him? Did he really receive it like this or is there sommething deeper there you didn't catch? Do you have a relationship with this woman? Do you talk on the phone with her? Did you have a conversation with her after she appeared in your lives?

 

Something doesn't make sense here....

 

 

I have never spoken with her, no. She friended my husband on FB after his son got in contact with him, but not me. They were together when my husband was very young, in high school. As far as I know they hadn't spoken in 22 years until she texted my husband one day, about a week after he spoke with his son. He told me about her texting him, and said some really negative things about her and about her character. After that he really didn't mention her again, and neither did I. I did not want to seem shrewish or overbearing by questioning why they needed to have any contact, and like I said, I trusted him.

 

And I agree with you that something doesn't make sense. As far as I know we have a happy marriage.

[CarrieT]

As far as I know we have a happy marriage.

You said he has a history of cheating with his prior relationships.

 

From all the threads that exist on this site, having a happy marriage does not preclude cheaters from cheating...

 

I am so sorry you are going through this.

[beach]

I have never spoken with her, no. She friended my husband on FB after his son got in contact with him, but not me. They were together when my husband was very young, in high school. As far as I know they hadn't spoken in 22 years until she texted my husband one day, about a week after he spoke with his son. He told me about her texting him, and said some really negative things about her and about her character. After that he really didn't mention her again, and neither did I. I did not want to seem shrewish or overbearing by questioning why they needed to have any contact, and like I said, I trusted him.

 

And I agree with you that something doesn't make sense. As far as I know we have a happy marriage.

 

 

While you're staying silent and doing nothing - another woman is connecting with your husband.

 

Start doing something.

 

Doing nothing gives her (and him) more time and opportunities to screw you over.

 

Start collecting evidence by finding out if anything is worrisome it not.

[HtotheN]

He told me about her texting him, and said some really negative things about her and about her character.

 

My now exh but then wh often said negative things about a few of the women he was cheating with. At the time, I believed him but I now realize that he was saying those things in order to prevent me from thinking that something was going on.

[SummerDreams]

I have never spoken with her, no. She friended my husband on FB after his son got in contact with him, but not me. They were together when my husband was very young, in high school. As far as I know they hadn't spoken in 22 years until she texted my husband one day, about a week after he spoke with his son. He told me about her texting him, and said some really negative things about her and about her character. After that he really didn't mention her again, and neither did I. I did not want to seem shrewish or overbearing by questioning why they needed to have any contact, and like I said, I trusted him.

 

And I agree with you that something doesn't make sense. As far as I know we have a happy marriage.

 

I don't want to sound like I'm playing smart but I'm trying to get in your shoes and imagine being you. If my husband suddenly found out he has a son after so many years I would definitely talk with him about it a lot, try to find out his feelings, meet his son, meet the mother of his son and definitely try to make the son welcome in our lives. I would ask him about what they talk about with this woman, I would like to be involved in this weird situation of discovering you have a son after 22 years you knew nothing of and so on. What I get from you is that you had the feeling it's none of your business and you are discreet about it, but in my opinion it IS your business since we are talking about your husband's kid. I really think you should start being involved in this huge lifechanging situation your husband is going through. Do it with love and showing interest. Don't you want to have a connection with his son? I'm sure your husband will be happy to see you being interested to get to know his son. Did you maybe not realize the importance of him finding out about a son? I'm not critisizing you, just trying to understand why he would feel the need to possibly cheat on his wife.

[BetrayedH]

You should have seen me when I bought a GPS for my wife's car. It took me days to get the courage to buy the thing. When I was in the store, I was literally shaking. And it took a lot more guts to get up in the middle of the night, go to the garage, and install it.

 

The reality is that this is too important of an issue (a life-changing one) to go forward without solid information. It's the rest of your life. Even as you hesitate, your H is texting his ex and quickly concealing the conversation from your view.

 

Could you (and we) be wrong about these suspicions? Sure. It's possible. If your H is proved innocent after you're done investigating, I do think you'll need to come clean with him about your jealousy/paranoia and figure out how to tackle it together. I would hope for him to empathize and to provide explanations and transparency.

 

But I don't think you're a bad wife for investigating. In fact, I look at this as your route for fighting for your marriage. You can't just stick your head in the sand. Confronting got you no where. And you need the truth. Realistically, what other choice do you have? Blind trust after a bunch of red flags?

 

What I can tell you is that all my trepidation about snooping and spying went right out the window after the first data download on the GPS. In fact, it was relieving to be able to stop questioning myself. The gaslighting was over.

[BetrayedH]

I don't want to sound like I'm playing smart but I'm trying to get in your shoes and imagine being you. If my husband suddenly found out he has a son after so many years I would definitely talk with him about it a lot, try to find out his feelings, meet his son, meet the mother of his son and definitely try to make the son welcome in our lives. I would ask him about what they talk about with this woman, I would like to be involved in this weird situation of discovering you have a son after 22 years you knew nothing of and so on. What I get from you is that you had the feeling it's none of your business and you are discreet about it, but in my opinion it IS your business since we are talking about your husband's kid. I really think you should start being involved in this huge lifechanging situation your husband is going through. Do it with love and showing interest. Don't you want to have a connection with his son? I'm sure your husband will be happy to see you being interested to get to know his son. Did you maybe not realize the importance of him finding out about a son? I'm not critisizing you, just trying to understand why he would feel the need to possibly cheat on his wife.

 

So after pages of responses to the last time you implied that this affair must be her fault, you come back and infer once again that she must have done something wrong? Nice. Way to blame the victim.

[SummerDreams]

So after pages of responses to the last time you implied that this affair must be her fault, you come back and infer once again that she must have done something wrong? Nice. Way to blame the victim.

 

I'm not blaming anyone. How could I, I don't even know these people and I'm not a judge. I'm just trying to see whether she can correct some things and get her husband to correct some things in order to better their relationship. I don't find it any better people who haven't even heard her husband's side of the story to start getting crazy and being sure he is cheating on her! Some people just read one post that reminds them their own story and they jump to easy and fast conclusions. Well I am trying to make her think rather than make her get crazy with the "ceertainty" her husband is cheating on her. Lets wait and find out first.

[oldshirt]

I do understand people's initial hesitation to employ the VARs etc.

 

However think of it this way. If you suspected someone was sneaking into your house when you weren't around and stealing your stuff, would you be reluctant to find out what was going on and reluctant to put a stop to it?

 

This is really no different. Your marriage and spouse are your biggest resource and asset. If some interloper is sneaking into your marriage and taking what is yours, don't you have the obligation to discover that and address it?

 

Also realize that the surveillance/investigation can also bring peace of mind if it turns out there is another explanation.

 

Right now your uncertainty and suspicion is a cancer growing in your marriage which is causing as much harm as anything.

 

You need to know either way.

[SummerDreams]

I do understand people's initial hesitation to employ the VARs etc.

 

However think of it this way. If you suspected someone was sneaking into your house when you weren't around and stealing your stuff, would you be reluctant to find out what was going on and reluctant to put a stop to it?

 

This is really no different. Your marriage and spouse are your biggest resource and asset. If some interloper is sneaking into your marriage and taking what is yours, don't you have the obligation to discover that and address it?

 

 

I do get where you are coming from but I need to point out the basic difference in this example you used. A burgler who steals your stuff is a stranger with whom you have no emotional relationship, something that does not happen with your spouse. I totally get this woman's hesitation to investigate her husband. When you are in a marriage it's kinda self explanatory that you have gone through the "do I trust him/her?" phase of the relationship or at least you should have. If this woman finds out her husband is not cheating on her, then she will have it in her conscience forever that she spent a period of time in their life not trusting him and this is a thorn in a relstionship. This is why I always suggest to people that they should be honest with each other and be totally sure about their SO before they proceed to marry them. I'm with my bf for more than 5 years and I swear I can be 10000% sure he will never cheat on me, simply cause this how he thinks. I know his morals, I know his way of thinking. In fact I'm more sure about him than about myself sometimes.

[oldshirt]

I do get where you are coming from but I need to point out the basic difference in this example you used. A burgler who steals your stuff is a stranger with whom you have no emotional relationship, something that does not happen with your spouse. I totally get this woman's hesitation to investigate her husband. When you are in a marriage it's kinda self explanatory that you have gone through the "do I trust him/her?" phase of the relationship or at least you should have. If this woman finds out her husband is not cheating on her, then she will have it in her conscience forever that she spent a period of time in their life not trusting him and this is a thorn in a relstionship. This is why I always suggest to people that they should be honest with each other and be totally sure about their SO before they proceed to marry them. I'm with my bf for more than 5 years and I swear I can be 10000% sure he will never cheat on me, simply cause this how he thinks. I know his morals, I know his way of thinking. In fact I'm more sure about him than about myself sometimes.

 

I disagree on all counts.

 

When you start noticing things missing or out of place in your house, you don't know if it's a stranger or the babysitter or the gardener or friend, relative or neighbor.

 

How you address it depends on who it is and how and when it is occurring. What is key either way is that you discover it and find out. This is no different.

 

And in regards to knowing that your partner will never cheat is just plain simply not true. They may be perfectly faithful and trustworthy for many years but no-one can ever be guaranteed that their partner won't cheat and no-one can ever be certain that they themselves won't cheat at some point.

 

In the OPs case, she has very strong probable cause that something is occurring with her H and in her marriage. She is obligated to find out what is happening regardless if she finds that task pleasant or tasteful or not.

[BetrayedH]

I do get where you are coming from but I need to point out the basic difference in this example you used. A burgler who steals your stuff is a stranger with whom you have no emotional relationship, something that does not happen with your spouse. I totally get this woman's hesitation to investigate her husband. When you are in a marriage it's kinda self explanatory that you have gone through the "do I trust him/her?" phase of the relationship or at least you should have. If this woman finds out her husband is not cheating on her, then she will have it in her conscience forever that she spent a period of time in their life not trusting him and this is a thorn in a relstionship. This is why I always suggest to people that they should be honest with each other and be totally sure about their SO before they proceed to marry them. I'm with my bf for more than 5 years and I swear I can be 10000% sure he will never cheat on me, simply cause this how he thinks. I know his morals, I know his way of thinking. In fact I'm more sure about him than about myself sometimes.

 

There's a lot of people here that had that same "10000% sure" view that you have and found themselves on the wrong end of infidelity anyway.

 

Like you, I dated my wife for 5 years before we got engaged. It was another year or so before we married. I was 30 and certainly didn't feel that I'd rushed into marriage. I wanted to be married once and once only. And I wanted my spouse to also be sure about the decision for the same reason. We went thru pre-marital counseling and had good discussions. We both shared the view that divorce would not be an option for us and that helped motivate us to resolve arguments or other issues amiably. We discussed infidelity and always agreed that if it came to the point where one of us was going to cheat, we'd always have the respect to let our partner go first. We each had professional jobs. We had a home built. After a few years of stabilizing, we started having children and ended up with a boy and a girl. Great kids. We hardly ever argued. No problems with emotional or physical abuse. Other than a bit of social fun, there were no alcohol or drug issues for either of us. Our families and friends saw us as the example of a happy and stable couple; we almost routinely gave advice to those in struggling marriages.

 

Then 12 years into the marriage and 18 years into being together, I discovered her affair with her new boss. It had been going on for 13 months and included about 60-70 mid-day hotel stays. I also discovered that she'd had a threesome with the OM and a prostitute. She also wrote a post on a website designed for women engaging in affairs that described her first physical encounter with the OM - it was on my couch with the kids asleep in the next room. She reveled in the fact that her H would never know what happened there. It was graphic.

 

My story is only one.

[beach]

When you looked at the texts between him and this gal, his old high school girlfriend, what were their exchanges? What did it look like they were discussing? How often are they interacting? And where is she living now?

[MarkusM]

There's a lot of people here that had that same "10000% sure" view that you have and found themselves on the wrong end of infidelity anyway.

 

Like you, I dated my wife for 5 years before we got engaged. It was another year or so before we married. I was 30 and certainly didn't feel that I'd rushed into marriage. I wanted to be married once and once only. And I wanted my spouse to also be sure about the decision for the same reason. We went thru pre-marital counseling and had good discussions. We both shared the view that divorce would not be an option for us and that helped motivate us to resolve arguments or other issues amiably. We discussed infidelity and always agreed that if it came to the point where one of us was going to cheat, we'd always have the respect to let our partner go first. We each had professional jobs. We had a home built. After a few years of stabilizing, we started having children and ended up with a boy and a girl. Great kids. We hardly ever argued. No problems with emotional or physical abuse. Other than a bit of social fun, there were no alcohol or drug issues for either of us. Our families and friends saw us as the example of a happy and stable couple; we almost routinely gave advice to those in struggling marriages.

 

Then 12 years into the marriage and 18 years into being together, I discovered her affair with her new boss. It had been going on for 13 months and included about 60-70 mid-day hotel stays. I also discovered that she'd had a threesome with the OM and a prostitute. She also wrote a post on a website designed for women engaging in affairs that described her first physical encounter with the OM - it was on my couch with the kids asleep in the next room. She reveled in the fact that her H would never know what happened there. It was graphic.

 

My story is only one.

Yours is one of a tremendously amplified version of my own - Thank you for sharing it, in spite of it being so sad. I am profoundly touched.

Did you every receive any sensible explanation from your wife?

[BetrayedH]

Yours is one of a tremendously amplified version of my own - Thank you for sharing it, in spite of it being so sad. I am profoundly touched.

Did you every receive any sensible explanation from your wife?

 

Thank you. It's been quite a journey. I'm still not completely whole.

 

A sensible explanation from her? No. I'd have to say that I better understand why she had her affair than she does. I've found that closure truly comes from within.

 

After several years now, I think an affair is a symptom of being a broken person. I've seen three major characteristics that are present; sometimes there a toxic combination of them: (1) An excessive need for external validation (2) Severe conflict-avoidance or (3) An overdeveloped sense of entitlement.

 

A healthier person would make a more logical, ethical, moral, and less destructive choice.

[No Limit]

You know, you could have just avoided all the evidence-hunting if you had just demanded to see his phone when you saw he got the message. But yes, you're walking towards the fallout now and it'll be a very, very bad experience; there have also indeed been users here who ended up in ER (panic attack). What are your plans after you have gathered the evidence?

[Southern Sun]

The fact is, he has no legitimate reason to be in such heavy communication with his ex - no reason that you are aware of, anyway. Their son is an adult.

 

And the ONLY right and fair thing to do in a marriage IF such communication with an ex was required would be to be totally transparent with the current spouse about said communication. All of it should be out in the open.

 

Thus, if heavy communication is occurring in secret...it is questionable.

 

If previously he thought very negatively of her and now they are texting regularly...it is questionable.

 

He brought her up once and hasn't said a word since, yet you know they are in regular contact (suddenly, after all these years)...it is questionable.

 

I'm sorry, but something's not right. I know 'spying' feels off to you, but you've already tried speaking with him about it, and he denied (and made you feel ridiculous for even asking). That route is obviously not going to yield different answers. So your choices at this point are to sit back and just wait for something else to happen, and hope you're wrong about your gut feelings, or to bite the bullet and dig for the answer.

 

Either way, that adrenaline is going to pump in your stomach. But at least the second option gets it over with. And maybe you'll find out sooner rather than later that you had nothing to worry about. Maybe.

[jaks]

Can you confide in a close friend to help you install in the car?

 

I was lucky with my exboyfriend i had his phone calls traced he had been texting and calling his ex, i had the times and days, we were in a long distance relationship 5 hours away, i called his mobile the tone was different i knew he was abroad i called her number her mobile tone was different i had a gut feeling they were together, he would not answer his phone so i sent her a lovely text about us ruined there holiday then he soon phoned me i ignored it sent it to voicemail just like he had done to me and i have not spoken to him since, he left me nasty messages saying it was all lies from ME so i gathered all my evidence as in photographed all my text messages printed them off, printed off holiday pics, flight tickets everything, put it in a envelope posted it through her door then got more grief on my phone, i felt i had to do it not her fault he had not told her he had someone else, good luck to them she is going to need it he is now her problem i just glad i found out.

 

GO with your gut instinct you are most likely right.

[beach]

Any update Vapors?

[Vapors]

I have taken steps to find out the truth. The turning point for me came yesterday. Someone here had asked what the texts that I did see when I briefly checked his phone consisted of. I had only taken a quick look at the time, and the page I saw seemed to consist of him describing some problems he had with his last girlfriend - the relationship between this ex and myself. He was complaining about how poorly she had treated him, and the ex was sympathizing. At the time I dug no further, as I was really only looking for texts exchanged on the day he came home with the smell.

 

After thinking it over, I decided I should, bare minimum, look through the rest of their text conversations. If there were nothing there to alarm me, I would drop it. So when the opportunity presented itself, I grabbed his phone to take a look. The messages were all deleted, every one. The only other person whom he had deleted texts from was his best friend. All other conversations were there.

 

I just cannot think of an innocent reason for him to do such a thing, no matter which way I look at it. Even if he hasn't slept with her, he is hiding something from me, and it's not okay. Since he is obviously not willing to be truthful with me, I will have to find out for myself. I am done feeling guilty. Where is his guilt?

[beach]

Is that the friend that was supposed to be going with him that day? If that friend didn't plan to go with him - he would need to delete since he never asked that friend to go with him...?

 

Did you place the VAR yet?

[Poppyolive]

Huge red flag. Hiding his evidence. Can you send a message to his friend. Come up with something regarding the trip. Eg...I'm planning a special surprise dinner for (hubby) what time will you get back from your trip with him? Or something like that. Dumb & innocent.

[elaine567]

Huge red flag. Hiding his evidence. Can you send a message to his friend. Come up with something regarding the trip. Eg...I'm planning a special surprise dinner for (hubby) what time will you get back from your trip with him? Or something like that. Dumb & innocent.

 

Do not do anything you would not normally do, if you never usually speak to the best friend, or plan surprise dinners then keep it that way. Also you have just accused him of cheating, so a surprise dinner may in itself be a bit suspect. "I think you are cheating, but let me cook you a lovely meal as a surprise...".

 

He will suss out in a moment you are contacting the best friend to find out where he is. The friend may know all about this affair and may only feed you rubbish anyway to put you off he scent.

 

If your husband IS cheating, he knows he is cheating, so he will thus be now on high alert mode due to your accusations, and anything you do out of the ordinary here, will make him even more jumpy and send him underground and make him hide his tracks. He has already deleted all communication.

He may now have a burner phone.

 

Play it calm, make him think you have swallowed all his stories, but stay vigilant and start keeping a very close eye.

Be cool, be clever, play the long game.

[jen1447]

^ This is true. Despite what we all like to tell ourselves, very few ppl are so clever that they can straight up outwit another person in an even battle of wits. The advantage is usually gained from one party not knowing what the other's up to or what the other knows.

 

OP, can I ask what state you live in? I'm curious to see what the surreptitious audio recording laws are where you live.

[No Limit]

Your husband doesn't feel guilty because he hasn't been officially caught yet and believes that he can outsmart you. Can you hire a private investigator? Although to be honest, the signs are pretty clear already. At least get a few addresses of good divorce attorneys (or if you want to reconcile, good marriage counselors) on the side.