I smelled sex on my husband

[BetrayedH]

I might be the minority here but I'm wondering. No sane man cheats if he is in an angelically made relationship, unless there are some issues, big or small. I mean, I can't imagine my husband being so much happy with me, telling me and showing me he loves me, everything is going great and suddenly boom, I smell another woman on his penis. It sounds crazy and doesn't add up in my opinion. So I have to ask, how is your relationship other than having a very good sexual life? You said his ex appeared out of nowhere and they have a son together and they are in contact cause of that a lot. You said you supported him, but DID you really support him? Did he really receive it like this or is there sommething deeper there you didn't catch? Do you have a relationship with this woman? Do you talk on the phone with her? Did you have a conversation with her after she appeared in your lives?

 

Something doesn't make sense here....

 

Keep reading around here. You'll find one wayward post after another where the wayward clearly says they have a wonderful spouse at home and a good marriage and yet, they're cheating anyway. Some waywards are simply self-entitled and want "more." Others just have an excessive need for external validation. Others just get off on the thrill of the chase or the danger involved. People are whacked.

 

Long story short, infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital one.

[beach]

The fact that I THOUGHT we were happily married and having great sex once or twice each day was part of what made me so mad when I found my exH cheating!

 

He is a true narcissist and would have done anything (including hurting me and his kids) to feel important and stroke his ego. He claims he still loves me - even ten years after divorcing.

 

He just needed more attention - he has no boundary - he needs all kinds of attention even if it harms others. And he never wanted to admit it even when caught red handed. Nope, never would admit. I had solid evidence and he still wanted to lie.

 

 

It's like he didn't realize he was this other person; capable of two personalities. But it was him. He loved as well as he knew how - but he didn't know the first thing about being faithful.

 

And in his mind he justified it by telling himself lies. He doesn't even realize the person he really is.

 

 

Don't go along with the gas lighting. That's designed to take the attention away from where it belongs.

[BetrayedH]

In my situation, out the blue my wife told me that she might want to separate, needed time and space to think about it, and that it was probably too late for us. I was blindsided. She listed some problems. It was all minor stuff that could be fixed. And I spent the next three weeks blaming myself and fixing them. But what kept nagging at me was that none of the problems added up to divorce. We had a pretty good life. I was a good father to our kids and a good husband. We might have gotten into an argument twice a year and we were always over it by the next day. It just didn't add up. In fact, it was our notable lack of marital problems that finally drove me to think that there must be something (or someone) else. And there was.

[SammySammy]

Keep reading around here. You'll find one wayward post after another where the wayward clearly says they have a wonderful spouse at home and a good marriage and yet, they're cheating anyway. Some waywards are simply self-entitled and want "more." Others just have an excessive need for external validation. Others just get off on the thrill of the chase or the danger involved. People are whacked.

 

Long story short, infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital one.

 

Well said.

[drifter777]

...

 

Long story short, infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital one.

 

Except what it destroys is the marriage, the family, and the BS. I understand what you mean but the collateral damage is overwhelming. At what point does a spouse cheating become about their true intentions as well as their true character? I don't believe the the two are as separate as many of us think. How many WS's want to blow up their marriage but are too weak and afraid to face it head on so - knowing the consequences - choose to cheat instead?

[elaine567]

How many WS's want to blow up their marriage but are too weak and afraid to face it head on so - knowing the consequences - choose to cheat instead?

 

Having an affair is easy, especially if a willing AP is waiting in the wings.

 

A cold and calculating blowing up of a marriage with no real deal-breaker event - especially when kids involved - is really hard to do.

[nightmare01]

I think we're hard wired to avoid responsibility for bad things we do.

 

When my older daughter was 4 and my younger daughter was 2 I found my older daughters name scrawled on the wall inside her room. When I asked my older daughter why she wrote her name on the wall (in indelible ink) she claimed she didn't do it, and it must have been her 2 year old sister..

 

So we all try to find an out, some reason or some person to blame for the bad choices we make. It's like we think we're all pachinko balls endlessiy bouncing off things and each other - and that we have no responsibility for what we do.

 

I don't buy it.

 

When a WS blames their spouse for their cheating by claiming little or no sex, or cold indifference, or working too much.. I'm inclined to ask - what did you do to make them that way? I mean - if their spouses actions made the WS cheat... then what action by the WS made their spouse treat them in the way they did.

 

If you're going for the blame game - blaming your spouse for your actions, then it can be played back to what did you do to make your spouse treat you that way? And it can be an endless - and pointless - chain of events.

 

People cheat because they want to, and they have the opportunity, and they don't think they'll get caught - end of story.

 

That's why I don't like WHY questions for a WS, because they often turn into the blame game. I prefer to ask HOW was it ok for them to make the choice they did?

[whichwayisup]

Telling me that me even asking him something like that was "a red flag", and that me not trusting him is such a monstrous betrayal that it could even make him consider ending his marriage

 

Such an over reaction by him!! Holy crap. He needs to calm the F down.

 

Yet again, his reaction IS telling, no man who NOT cheating, reacts like this. Seems like that threat of 'considering' divorce is telling isn't it? Were you tempted to say, OK, let's divorce and see his reaction?

 

Hire a PI or ask a trusted friend that will keep it to her/himself, to follow your H.

 

Oops read that you ordered a VAR.

[beach]

I wish next time you need a VAR you would go down to a store and buy it. Walmart maybe? Radio shack has them. Pay cash! Don't take a receipt.

 

Having anything delivered by mail and on a credit card is risky... The charge will show - the box will come - a receipt to hide in the trash.

 

Since you're doing this you need to be smart about doing it. No trail left behind.

 

And when placing it - Velcro it where he won't find it. Maybe under the steering column. It needs to be where you can pick up sound but not noticeable to him.

[BetrayedH]

Except what it destroys is the marriage, the family, and the BS. I understand what you mean but the collateral damage is overwhelming. At what point does a spouse cheating become about their true intentions as well as their true character? I don't believe the the two are as separate as many of us think. How many WS's want to blow up their marriage but are too weak and afraid to face it head on so - knowing the consequences - choose to cheat instead?

 

There are certainly cases where a wayward spouse has become resentful over the course of the marriage and conducting an affair is the wayward acting out that resentment. So, you'd think that would imply that the BS must have done something to cause the resentment (and thus, the affair). However, I'd put it right back on the wayward that it's their responsibility to resolve the resentment, not to go out and cheat. But as fits the pattern, waywards are cowards. Being conflict-avoidant is part and parcel to being a wayward. Hell, if they had any courage, they'd fix the relationship or leave it. But they don't. So they sneak around instead. And again, that's about the wayward, not about the BS or the marriage.

[MarkusM]

Dear Vapors:

Your story motivated me to join this site - it must be true that misery loves company. You're braver and stronger than you know.

Sadly, I strongly sense that your spouse is absolutely guilty due to the things you have disclosed. However, the responses that have been forwarded in your behalf, too many would have you terminate your marriage instead of letting the situation expose itself (they always do) and then consider laboring through a (potentially painful) reconciliation - should that be your decision.

Being a (innocent) victim of infidelity, I know what you're going through - it's horrible. But I'm in love with being married. I decided that twenty-four years stood for something more than to rashly give it all up over my spouses mistake. I have forgiven, but I'll never understand or forget - the pain decreases a little over time as I labor to heal. The memories of what happened fade from thought only a little every day. My wife makes every effort to restore the confidence and trust. This is so important. It has been a year.

No one deserves to be put in this situation, and it's so hard to put the suffering aside. But this is necessary to prevent possible greater mistakes/regrets. Don't forget all of the good you've achieved over the years just because it's easy to give up and it satisfies a sense of revenge.

If you choose to save the marriage, your spouse has to willingly come clean and offer a full disclosure so as to put you at complete ease. He has to make an unbreakable vow fitting to your needs. You have to decide if you're prepared to endure this process. My wife and I both care about our marriage; we love one another and want to stay together. As the victim, I'm trying to heal as much as I can, but it hasn't been easy. I just couldn't imagine trying to achieve all that has been achieved in our marriage by starting a relationship with someone else - frankly, it scares me to death.

So, I hope this perspective provides a much needed balance rather than additional confusion to your delicate matter. My heart goes out to you (and all victims of infidelity) - I hope you get the strength you need and deserve to make the decisions that are beneficial, leading you to a speedy resolve.

Edited July 29, 2015 by MarkusM
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[TrustedthenBusted]

As we've seen millions of times here though, married PEOPLE with active sex lives cheat all the time.

 

corrected.

[elaine567]

corrected.

 

OK I see what you did there, but is that necessarily true?

 

I read "When a woman cheats, she is usually cheating for emotional intimacy while a man usually cheats for physical pleasure. "

 

Here we are told daily, men just want sexual variety so cheating for physical pleasure seems to fit. So if that is true, are MM more likely to have an active sex life at home? Their OW is just extra sex.

 

Women cheaters need emotional connection and intimacy.

If women have no emotional connection at home, the sex usually suffers, so are women cheaters, less likely to have an active sex life at home?

[beach]

What is your husbands behavior like since you talked a few days ago?

 

What have you done to explore new info? Have you been able to look at his phone or laptop?

[TrustedthenBusted]

OK I see what you did there, but is that necessarily true?

 

I read "When a woman cheats, she is usually cheating for emotional intimacy while a man usually cheats for physical pleasure. "

 

Here we are told daily, men just want sexual variety so cheating for physical pleasure seems to fit. So if that is true, are MM more likely to have an active sex life at home? Their OW is just extra sex.

 

Women cheaters need emotional connection and intimacy.

If women have no emotional connection at home, the sex usually suffers, so are women cheaters, less likely to have an active sex life at home?

 

All I'm saying is my wife and I had a very active sex life and she still was cheating. Sure, she justified it as needing additional attention and whatever, but in the end, she was a woman with a good sex life at home, out cheating.

 

In fact, the sex life in her affair was not good, and was merely an act she had to tolerate in order to keep the attention coming ( no pun intended )

 

She wrote about it several times in her little journal, how she felt a bit creeped out during the sex, and didn't know why she kept doing it. At one point, she expressed concern that the OM might actually be GAY.

[elaine567]

All I'm saying is my wife and I had a very active sex life and she still was cheating. Sure, she justified it as needing additional attention and whatever, but in the end, she was a woman with a good sex life at home, out cheating.

 

In fact, the sex life in her affair was not good, and was merely an act she had to tolerate in order to keep the attention coming ( no pun intended )

 

She wrote about it several times in her little journal, how she felt a bit creeped out during the sex, and didn't know why she kept doing it. At one point, she expressed concern that the OM might actually be GAY.

I have no doubt it happens, and I am very sorry it happened to you, I just do not know if women cheaters in general are likely to have active sex lives at home or not.

[jen1447]

I have no doubt it happens, and I am very sorry it happened to you, I just do not know if women cheaters in general are likely to have active sex lives at home or not.

 

From what I understand they may or may not, but there's not always much correlation with bad or lacking marital sex and affairs for women. The truth is, women (these days at least) have extramarital sex for physical pleasure as much as men do. And men are being revealed as being generally as emotional about intimacy as women were always thought to be. Not sure if that's a sea change in sexual values or just that the reality isn't so much hidden behind sexual stereotypes anymore.

[dreamingoftigers]

IMHO I think him raking you over the coals is more damming than the stank on his Johnson.

 

 

In my own experience, I have never cheated on my wife. One day a few years ago she came up to me with a serious look on her face and a serious tone in her voice and confronted me point-blank (something that is way out of character for her and something she is not naturally inclined to do so I took her seriously)

 

 

We were involved in the swinging lifestyle at the time and she explained to me with no uncertain terms that if I was playing without her knowledge and consent it would be viewed the same as adultery. She then explained to me that she found a hotel card key to a local hotel in the washing machine after doing a load of laundry.

 

 

We had been to that hotel months prior but not in recent times.

 

 

I honestly had no explanation for how/why that key was there. I still have no clue. I know I didn't cheat but didn't know how the key got there.

 

 

All I could do was say I didn't know how the key got there and I had no explanation. I assured her the best I could I hadn't cheated but how do you prove you didn't cheat if you hadn't.

 

 

I didn't yell. I wasn't shocked, angered or embittered that she confronted me which I admit was pretty darn concerning evidence. I didn't accuse her of being crazy or hysterical. I didn't accuse her of not trusting me or of being paranoid.

 

 

All I could say was I hadn't cheated and didn't have an explanation for the key. There wasn't any more I could say or do, so I didn't say or do anything else.

 

 

If someone is making an aggressive counter attack in the face of legitimate cause for suspicion (and having your penis smell like foreign vagina is legitimate cause) it is most likely the well documented tactic of DARVO which is right out of pages 27-35 of "The Cheater's Handbook."

 

I had a similar situation happen to me.

 

I had not cheated on my husband.

 

We cleaned out the garage (including moving boxes) one weekend. During our cleanup, I found some condoms which were in one of the boxes, so I put them in my jeans pocket and kept cleaning. Thought that they MIGHT be useful one night. (Dream big, right?)

 

I forgot about them and when my husband put on a load of laundry, he was pretty upset. Especially since we hadn't been intimate in awhile (his choice. HIS choice. ARG. So frustrating... anyhow)

 

I didn't freak out. I even explained where they came from and of course he "didn't believe it" and still freaked out. I still didn't have some "waaahhhh you don't trust me, our marriage is over you "un-truster" " meltdown.

 

You just DEAL with the ISSUE. Have some empathy etc. Really REASSURE your spouse. Not make them feel like ass for having to bring up something embarassing, sensitive and scary for them. Jeez.

 

Oldshirt gets it. Everyone else except for non-remorseful cheaters seem to get it.

 

What a manipulator!

[dreamingoftigers]

One of the most telling things, in my opinion, is the bit about him following you around laboriously explaining why this trip doesn't include you, after you didn't ask. Classic cheater behavior.

 

VAR's, PI's are all fine and dandy and I wouldn't knock anyone for investing in those things, but it is VERY possible to tell when someone is lying to you. And the great thing is liars pile lie on top of lie on top of lie. There's no end to it. So, they may get one or two things past you but there is no way they can keep it up. What's even weirder is they start to believe the lies they tell! For the sake of divorce, though, I guess having some kind of record is important.

 

Stay close to LS, read other people's stories, too. BetrayedH is like a scientist when it comes to these matters.

 

My father did this to my mother when he was cheating on her.

 

Long, labourious explanations on why it was important for her not to go to the Airport Buffet.

 

Long, laborious explanations on why he needed to talk to so-and-so about such-and-such without her present.

 

As well as long-winded excuses to me as to why I couldn't go in his office to check my email because then "it might compromise his clients."

 

He runs a landscaping company. Seriously.

[MarkusM]

OK I see what you did there, but is that necessarily true?

 

I read "When a woman cheats, she is usually cheating for emotional intimacy while a man usually cheats for physical pleasure. "

 

Here we are told daily, men just want sexual variety so cheating for physical pleasure seems to fit. So if that is true, are MM more likely to have an active sex life at home? Their OW is just extra sex.

 

Women cheaters need emotional connection and intimacy.

If women have no emotional connection at home, the sex usually suffers, so are women cheaters, less likely to have an active sex life at home?

 

I believe this to be very accurate (if not clinical) information -

I'm also a firm believer that over time, too many men suffer from sexual complacency. The opportunity for sex with another person is what heightens the experience that is perhaps more difficult to achieve with their spouse. For the man, the focal point is almost always the orgasm. Yet, I can't believe that men like this (who must be very insecure) couldn't have the kind of love for their wife and marriage as they should. Self control fades quickly in the presence of opportunity.

[Phoe]

Long story short, infidelity is a personal problem, not a marital one.

 

Yep.

 

While I was never married, my exes cheating was still quite a sting.

 

It was hard to fathom when you think back to how hard it was for me to get them to be sexually intimate with me. I had to be the initiator, I had to beg and plead and pull out all the stops to try to get them enthused.

 

Here I was, more than willing, yet they chose to do so with some other woman. I could not have done anything to change that.

 

It wasn't about some "problem" in the relationship or with me. It was all about him.

[Vapors]

Thanks everyone for your responses, and all the concern and support. It means more to me than I can say.

 

I had to take a break from all this for a day and try and relax. I was starting to have horrible chest pain and pressure, and was convinced if I didn't stop focussing on this I might end up in the ER. It amazes me how physical my reaction to this has been.

 

The VAR arrived - unfortunately it was my husband who retrieved it from the mail (good idea, poster who advised buying directly from a store). Luckily I had ordered some school supplies for our daughter as well, which he knew of, so he just assumed the package was them. I have to be extra-vigilant to be the one who gets the ACTUAL school supplies, though: more stress. Will not be ordering anything online again that I don't wish him to know about.

 

The VAR is sitting, unopened, in a hiding spot. I haven't yet mustered the courage to take it out and install it in my husband's car. Ditto the password that will allow me to access his phone records: still unused. I don't know what's wrong with me. The means of uncovering the truth are before me, and I'm too chicken**** to use them. This sneaky, invasive, disrespectful behavior is so far outside of my comfort zone. Bugging my husband's car?? Pilfering through his phone records? It just feels so very, very wrong. If I am barking up the wrong tree here, what kind of person, what kind of wife does that make me??? How far are spouses justified in going at the behest of gut feelings and a few suspicious circumstances? I'm sure some of you will think I'm being ridiculous, but I cannot stress how badly I am struggling with this.

 

Husbands behavior has been normal and above-board, until about two hours ago. I looked into the back yard and saw him texting someone. A few minutes later he came in and lay down next to me, and I just happened to be looking at his phone (which he was reading something on) when a text came through, from his ex. He immediately closed it out, rather than just waiting for it to disappear from the top of his screen. I only had time to see her name and "we're going to..." I said nothing, just pretended I hadn't noticed or didn't care who sent it.

 

I want to believe so badly that nothing untoward is happening. We have occasional disagreements, like any married couple, and he does have anger issues that I wish he would get better control of, but for the vast majority of the time he is loving, kind, and romantic. I would say we have a better marriage than most, and I have absolutely no doubt that he loves me. I just don't know if that is enough to stop him from being unfaithful. He does love to have his ego stroked, and maybe it gets old having it always be the same hand doing the stroking. I don't know.

[Lurkeraspect]

Thanks everyone for your responses, and all the concern and support. It means more to me than I can say.

 

I had to take a break from all this for a day and try and relax. I was starting to have horrible chest pain and pressure, and was convinced if I didn't stop focussing on this I might end up in the ER. It amazes me how physical my reaction to this has been.

 

The VAR arrived - unfortunately it was my husband who retrieved it from the mail (good idea, poster who advised buying directly from a store). Luckily I had ordered some school supplies for our daughter as well, which he knew of, so he just assumed the package was them. I have to be extra-vigilant to be the one who gets the ACTUAL school supplies, though: more stress. Will not be ordering anything online again that I don't wish him to know about.

 

The VAR is sitting, unopened, in a hiding spot. I haven't yet mustered the courage to take it out and install it in my husband's car. Ditto the password that will allow me to access his phone records: still unused. I don't know what's wrong with me. The means of uncovering the truth are before me, and I'm too chicken**** to use them. This sneaky, invasive, disrespectful behavior is so far outside of my comfort zone. Bugging my husband's car?? Pilfering through his phone records? It just feels so very, very wrong. If I am barking up the wrong tree here, what kind of person, what kind of wife does that make me??? How far are spouses justified in going at the behest of gut feelings and a few suspicious circumstances? I'm sure some of you will think I'm being ridiculous, but I cannot stress how badly I am struggling with this.

 

Husbands behavior has been normal and above-board, until about two hours ago. I looked into the back yard and saw him texting someone. A few minutes later he came in and lay down next to me, and I just happened to be looking at his phone (which he was reading something on) when a text came through, from his ex. He immediately closed it out, rather than just waiting for it to disappear from the top of his screen. I only had time to see her name and "we're going to..." I said nothing, just pretended I hadn't noticed or didn't care who sent it.

 

I want to believe so badly that nothing untoward is happening. We have occasional disagreements, like any married couple, and he does have anger issues that I wish he would get better control of, but for the vast majority of the time he is loving, kind, and romantic. I would say we have a better marriage than most, and I have absolutely no doubt that he loves me. I just don't know if that is enough to stop him from being unfaithful. He does love to have his ego stroked, and maybe it gets old having it always be the same hand doing the stroking. I don't know.

 

Just read that sentence over and over again.

[HtotheN]

Thanks everyone for your responses, and all the concern and support. It means more to me than I can say.

 

I had to take a break from all this for a day and try and relax. I was starting to have horrible chest pain and pressure, and was convinced if I didn't stop focussing on this I might end up in the ER. It amazes me how physical my reaction to this has been.

 

The VAR arrived - unfortunately it was my husband who retrieved it from the mail (good idea, poster who advised buying directly from a store). Luckily I had ordered some school supplies for our daughter as well, which he knew of, so he just assumed the package was them. I have to be extra-vigilant to be the one who gets the ACTUAL school supplies, though: more stress. Will not be ordering anything online again that I don't wish him to know about.

 

The VAR is sitting, unopened, in a hiding spot. I haven't yet mustered the courage to take it out and install it in my husband's car. Ditto the password that will allow me to access his phone records: still unused. I don't know what's wrong with me. The means of uncovering the truth are before me, and I'm too chicken**** to use them. This sneaky, invasive, disrespectful behavior is so far outside of my comfort zone. Bugging my husband's car?? Pilfering through his phone records? It just feels so very, very wrong. If I am barking up the wrong tree here, what kind of person, what kind of wife does that make me??? How far are spouses justified in going at the behest of gut feelings and a few suspicious circumstances? I'm sure some of you will think I'm being ridiculous, but I cannot stress how badly I am struggling with this.

 

Husbands behavior has been normal and above-board, until about two hours ago. I looked into the back yard and saw him texting someone. A few minutes later he came in and lay down next to me, and I just happened to be looking at his phone (which he was reading something on) when a text came through, from his ex. He immediately closed it out, rather than just waiting for it to disappear from the top of his screen. I only had time to see her name and "we're going to..." I said nothing, just pretended I hadn't noticed or didn't care who sent it.

 

I want to believe so badly that nothing untoward is happening. We have occasional disagreements, like any married couple, and he does have anger issues that I wish he would get better control of, but for the vast majority of the time he is loving, kind, and romantic. I would say we have a better marriage than most, and I have absolutely no doubt that he loves me. I just don't know if that is enough to stop him from being unfaithful. He does love to have his ego stroked, and maybe it gets old having it always be the same hand doing the stroking. I don't know.

 

I understand where you are coming from but IF (and that's a big fat "if") he is not doing anything wrong, then you will be happy to learn that. I resorted to some drastic measures when I was gathering evidence (don't mess with a woman in the IT field as we are better than the FBI!) but I doubt you would have to (or wish to) resort to those. Just the VAR and the phone records search should be enough and I highly recommend you going forward with using both of them and pronto!

 

Although you indicated that you are aware that his reaction to your concerns was highly suspect, it seems that his manipulation has worked since you are feeling the way you are right now and hesitating to go forward with what you know you must do.

 

Think of it this way, whether he is cheating or he is not cheating, you need to know. Please do not waste any more time wondering.

[beach]

You need to gather all your strength and find the truth.

 

There's not one reason for your husband to be communicating with his prior lover/ex.

 

You need a look at why they need to be in touch. I have 2 kids in their 20's and I never communicate with my ex - only once in 10 years - a year ago when my youngest was in an accident and hospitalized. I deal with my kids directly.

 

Your H must be talking personal stuff with her. If it referred to his 25 year old he should be talking directly to him - not the exW. It's suspicious and needs investigating.

 

Something is up and you need to find out what it is.

 

Get digging.

Edited July 30, 2015 by beach