I smelled sex on my husband

[fellini]

So if I understand this correctly, if my wife ever confronts me for infidelity, and I am innocent, what I cannot say is "you're being ridiculous" or worse "how dare you accuse me of such a thing" because, although it would be true, and my first reaction, it's code for "Im a cheat"?

 

I should say, what, precisely "how did you know"?

 

 

This is EXACTLY the way cheaters handle it. Hundreds of betrayed wives on here have been told 'you're being ridiculous, how dare you, what's wrong with you...' - all to get the BW to back off and stop asking questions. It's call gaslighting. Standard fare for cheaters.

 

Now, shut up and investigate. I'll bet money they're screwing. Do you have a friend you can ask to follow him to see who he meets up with, with a camera? If not, hire a PI to do it.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

The idea is that you need proof that the cheater can't effectively deny or gaslight. That means catching him red handed or better yet with hard solid evidence like pictures/vids/audio/messages, etc that prove they are cheating. The OP & most of us already know he's probably cheating. She needs proof so the self doubting will stop.

[Lois_Griffin]

So if I understand this correctly, if my wife ever confronts me for infidelity, and I am innocent, what I cannot say is "you're being ridiculous" or worse "how dare you accuse me of such a thing" because, although it would be true, and my first reaction, it's code for "Im a cheat"?

Sure. You can say it all you want if you're truly innocent.

 

But if your member smells like it spent an afternoon in a Spanish Bordello, then yeah, your claims of innocence would be REAL hard to believe.

 

PS: OP, I wouldn't touch this guy if I were wearing TWO Hefty full body bags. Too bad if he has to get it at least once a day - let him jerk off. He's a pig and now he's opened you up to STDs.

Edited July 26, 2015 by Lois_Griffin

[Vapors]

I cannot express how grateful I am for this forum. I don't think I've ever gone through something that feels so isolating: I don't want to talk to my friends/family IRL about all this, because there is a chance (however slight) that I am wrong. I don't want to poison the people that love me against my husband unless I am 100% sure, proof in hand. So thank you, all of you, for making me feel less alone.

 

I am following the advice of many of you, and pretending that I was wrong for making such a horrible accusation against him, and asking his forgiveness for doubting him. He really raked me over the coals last night, it was awful. Asking me to tell him how he failed as a man and husband for me to ever believe he could do something like that, telling me he feels empty and broken, unlovable. Telling me that me even asking him something like that was "a red flag", and that me not trusting him is such a monstrous betrayal that it could even make him consider ending his marriage. On and on and on. By the time he was through with me I felt one inch tall, like a horrible wife who let her insecurities run away with her. Like I had truly wronged the one person who loved me unconditionally. Then I got on here and read some of the responses, and started thinking. How would I have reacted if I were innocent and he made that accusation against me? Not the way he did. I would have been bewildered, sure, but I also would have been empathetic and tried to understand what he was going through. I would have offered him my phone to look through, and opened up my Facebook and email to prove I had nothing to hide. Not because an innocent person should have the burden of proving his or herself faithful, but because when you love someone you do all you can to make them feel secure in their weakest moments. He did none of this for me. Instead, he raged at me, guilted me, and made me feel like I had made a huge mistake, done something unforgivable.

 

Today he is being incredibly sweet and loving. Constantly telling me how much I mean to him, how he would be nothing without me. Holding me and kissing me and generally being the model husband.

 

I don't know whether or not he slept with someone else. My gut says he did. If so, it would make last nights performance reprehensible beyond imagining. I have purchased software that will allow me to read his text messages. I will also be getting a VAR for his car. If I am wrong, then I will have to live with the guilt I'll feel for maligning an innocent man. But I would rather be wrong and KNOW it than live in this twilight forever.

[66Charger]

I guarantee if he is cheating, posters here will help out him. This is a rutheless, educated bunch. I have said before, if you are cheating, you had better hope your SO doesnt find LS.

You will be dead in the water soon.

 

A prayer that we are all wrong, including you OP.

[minimariah]

He really raked me over the coals last night, it was awful. Asking me to tell him how he failed as a man and husband for me to ever believe he could do something like that, telling me he feels empty and broken, unlovable. Telling me that me even asking him something like that was "a red flag", and that me not trusting him is such a monstrous betrayal that it could even make him consider ending his marriage.

 

yeah -- this sounds like typical gaslighting. he's overreacting & even mentioning this as a reason to end the marriage... be careful. he might actually use your accusations against you, as the reason to justify the cheating & possible marriage breakdown.

[Methodical]

Don't apologize or tell him how wrong you were anymore. You've said your peace and he reacted vehemently. The best thing you can do now is drop further discussion of the incident in question and allow life to settle down at a natural rate of progression. Bringing the topic up over and over keeps it at the forefront of his mind, which will cause him to up his game and cover his tracks more thoroughly. As others have suggested, hire a professional who knows the law and knows exactly how far boundaries can be pushed legally. In addition, a third party person is an unknown source and won't raise suspicion, which allows them to get much closer to the evidence unbeknownst to the person being watched.

[CarrieT]

I will also be getting a VAR for his car. If I am wrong, then I will have to live with the guilt I'll feel for maligning an innocent man. But I would rather be wrong and KNOW it than live in this twilight forever.

 

Get two; it is easier to switch them out quickly. You will always have one working while you have the other to listen to.

 

Google where to place them as that is crucial.

 

And remember that we are here for you...

[oldshirt]

Just curious - is there really anything other than a vagina that would make a man's penis smell like a vagina?? Is there such a thing as a jay-jay scented lube that he may have been spanking the monkey with??

 

 

I can't think of anything else that would make a penis smell like that.

 

 

Just seems to me that if you saw him having sex with someone else, would you question your eyes?

 

 

If he accidently butt-dialed your phone while he was doing it with someone else and you heard it in the background, would you question what you heard?

 

 

If he sneaked someone else into a pitch dark room and you could feel each of them with your hands, would you question your own sense of touch?

 

 

Why doesn't your sense of smell/taste have the same credibility?

[No Limit]

Wow, he's a great actor. A master of gaslighting, like most cheaters.

Gather evidence and then let an attorney bust his butt. Do you have the financial ability to hire a private investigator?

[BetrayedH]

Get two; it is easier to switch them out quickly. You will always have one working while you have the other to listen to.

 

Google where to place them as that is crucial.

 

And remember that we are here for you...

 

Most websites advise placing the VAR under the driver's seat. But I've seen too many people report that the recordings were crappy.

 

Best suggestion I've heard is to place it under the steering column with velcro. No one looks under there. One caveat: if it illuminates when recording, be sure to cover the light with tape or something so it's not visible in the dark.

 

Just my $.02

[oldshirt]

I cannot express how grateful I am for this forum. I don't think I've ever gone through something that feels so isolating: I don't want to talk to my friends/family IRL about all this, because there is a chance (however slight) that I am wrong. I don't want to poison the people that love me against my husband unless I am 100% sure, proof in hand. So thank you, all of you, for making me feel less alone.

 

I am following the advice of many of you, and pretending that I was wrong for making such a horrible accusation against him, and asking his forgiveness for doubting him. He really raked me over the coals last night, it was awful. Asking me to tell him how he failed as a man and husband for me to ever believe he could do something like that, telling me he feels empty and broken, unlovable. Telling me that me even asking him something like that was "a red flag", and that me not trusting him is such a monstrous betrayal that it could even make him consider ending his marriage. On and on and on. By the time he was through with me I felt one inch tall, like a horrible wife who let her insecurities run away with her. Like I had truly wronged the one person who loved me unconditionally. Then I got on here and read some of the responses, and started thinking. How would I have reacted if I were innocent and he made that accusation against me? Not the way he did. I would have been bewildered, sure, but I also would have been empathetic and tried to understand what he was going through. I would have offered him my phone to look through, and opened up my Facebook and email to prove I had nothing to hide. Not because an innocent person should have the burden of proving his or herself faithful, but because when you love someone you do all you can to make them feel secure in their weakest moments. He did none of this for me. Instead, he raged at me, guilted me, and made me feel like I had made a huge mistake, done something unforgivable.

 

Today he is being incredibly sweet and loving. Constantly telling me how much I mean to him, how he would be nothing without me. Holding me and kissing me and generally being the model husband.

 

I don't know whether or not he slept with someone else. My gut says he did. If so, it would make last nights performance reprehensible beyond imagining. I have purchased software that will allow me to read his text messages. I will also be getting a VAR for his car. If I am wrong, then I will have to live with the guilt I'll feel for maligning an innocent man. But I would rather be wrong and KNOW it than live in this twilight forever.

 

 

 

IMHO I think him raking you over the coals is more damming than the stank on his Johnson.

 

 

In my own experience, I have never cheated on my wife. One day a few years ago she came up to me with a serious look on her face and a serious tone in her voice and confronted me point-blank (something that is way out of character for her and something she is not naturally inclined to do so I took her seriously)

 

 

We were involved in the swinging lifestyle at the time and she explained to me with no uncertain terms that if I was playing without her knowledge and consent it would be viewed the same as adultery. She then explained to me that she found a hotel card key to a local hotel in the washing machine after doing a load of laundry.

 

 

We had been to that hotel months prior but not in recent times.

 

 

I honestly had no explanation for how/why that key was there. I still have no clue. I know I didn't cheat but didn't know how the key got there.

 

 

All I could do was say I didn't know how the key got there and I had no explanation. I assured her the best I could I hadn't cheated but how do you prove you didn't cheat if you hadn't.

 

 

I didn't yell. I wasn't shocked, angered or embittered that she confronted me which I admit was pretty darn concerning evidence. I didn't accuse her of being crazy or hysterical. I didn't accuse her of not trusting me or of being paranoid.

 

 

All I could say was I hadn't cheated and didn't have an explanation for the key. There wasn't any more I could say or do, so I didn't say or do anything else.

 

 

If someone is making an aggressive counter attack in the face of legitimate cause for suspicion (and having your penis smell like foreign vagina is legitimate cause) it is most likely the well documented tactic of DARVO which is right out of pages 27-35 of "The Cheater's Handbook."

[oldshirt]

 

 

If someone is making an aggressive counter attack in the face of legitimate cause for suspicion (and having your penis smell like foreign vagina is legitimate cause) it is most likely the well documented tactic of DARVO which is right out of pages 27-35 of "The Cheater's Handbook."

 

DARVO = Deflect.

Attack

Reverse Victim and Offender

[dragon_fly_7]

Wow after reading the story and all the updates, I'm convinced the OP's husband had cheated and is still doing it.

 

The OP is right to go on detective mode and gather all the evidence before confronting him again. There is no other explanation of smelling like foreign vagina other than cheating.

[SycamoreCircle]

One of the most telling things, in my opinion, is the bit about him following you around laboriously explaining why this trip doesn't include you, after you didn't ask. Classic cheater behavior.

 

VAR's, PI's are all fine and dandy and I wouldn't knock anyone for investing in those things, but it is VERY possible to tell when someone is lying to you. And the great thing is liars pile lie on top of lie on top of lie. There's no end to it. So, they may get one or two things past you but there is no way they can keep it up. What's even weirder is they start to believe the lies they tell! For the sake of divorce, though, I guess having some kind of record is important.

 

Stay close to LS, read other people's stories, too. BetrayedH is like a scientist when it comes to these matters.

[BetrayedH]

I think I can understand a need for further "proof."

 

This is a life-altering decision. No matter how you slice it, a smell/odor/taste is subjective. If I'm going to divorce myself from my partner in life, I'd want some objective proof. And if he continues carrying on with this woman, she can get it.

[turnera]

IMHO I think him raking you over the coals is more damming than the stank on his Johnson.

100% agree.

 

fwiw, there IS no place for unconditional love between husband and wife. You need to earn each other.

[Southern Sun]

I think you've heard it enough, OP, but if I were you, I would plant a VAR at minimum prior to his trip, or even better, hire a PI to follow him on the trip. This trip seems very suspect, especially in light of everything else.

 

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Edited July 27, 2015 by Southern Sun

[Vapors]

Someone brought up not trusting my sense of smell the same way I would the other four. I agree the idea of 20 minutes of hot water running over my husband's penis (even without his standard application of soap), coupled with 6+ hours of rubbing up against a clean pair of underpants should have been more than enough to remove, or at least drastically diminish, any scent from the night before. The idea of the smell remaining so...pungent, is so unlikely as to be almost laughable. But it's the "almost" that gets me. What if it •is• possible? I just have to be sure. I've spent a large portion of my life with this man, we have children, a home, a business, a life together. I need proof. Something I can see, or at least hear.

 

I have to say that the DARVO response really got me. It just so perfectly describes our interaction last night. I went in to it feeling justifiably angry, hurt, confused, betrayed. I came out of it feeling like the world's worst wife. I have never before suspected, nor accused, my husband of anything like this. I honestly didn't expect him to confess, but I did hope he would offer up some transparency to allay my fears. I did not expect HIM to be so angry at ME, or to turn the whole thing around so masterfully. I mean, this guy is good. He had me so befuddled I didn't know up from down. It makes sense, as he has had problems with infidelity (his) in his two previous relationships. He explained that away with "I was unhappy with them. You are my soulmate, my dream girl. I would never do that to you."

 

The boys have returned from camping, and as I suspected, our younger son is not much use as far as information goes. Granted I only had a few moments out of earshot to speak with him, but all I got was confirmation that they were at dads friends house, and there were other children there. I didn't have the chance to ask him if daddy stayed with them the whole time. I felt almost dirty while speaking with him, wrong for even asking him anything. So far my husband hasn't left our older boys side, so no chance there of gleaning any information.

 

Also, the out of town trip has suddenly been canceled. My cynical side is telling me it's because I put the heat on hubby, and now he's trying to lie low. It's probably for the best, as I can't see any way of hiring a PI without alerting him. He keeps a pretty tight hold on the finances. He was also going to ride down with his brother, so putting a VAR in his car would've been useless. Plus, it would've been torture. I would've spent the time he was away imagining him kissing her, screwing her, both of them laughing at me.

[LifesontheUp]

It makes sense, as he has had problems with infidelity (his) in his two previous relationships. He explained that away with "I was unhappy with them. You are my soulmate, my dream girl. I would never do that to you."

 

You've had good advice to go into stealth gathering mode.

 

Sorry, but the above did concern me. He has history

[Phoenician]

I can understand sometimes when a husband cheat after being in a long sexless marriage ;All what I got in 17 yrs was a vanilla version ,wife never initiated or did any single effort ; I have never had a BJ from her ; yet I am faithfull till now !

 

I haven't cheated yet ;not blaming wife anymore for anything , the norm is that when ppl reach such a dead end , they should divorce ;being unfaithull when the wife is a giver ; is the worst character.

 

In your case OP , you are a great giver , a real venus and give your husband everything a man needs ; yet it seems he is follwoing his animal desires.

 

Now cool down ; if you proove that he cheated on you , then no need to reconcile ; throw the towel .

 

you have to be patient , and now consider him as innocent until proven guilty ;I advise you to get closer to him ; and pretend that it was your fault to mistrust him ; you need to catch him ; and if he is cautious you won't ;don't withold sex with him ,let me him feel he is safe , start collecting evidences ...

What phone does he have , there are spying apps which are perfect , they let you see , hear everything on his phone .

 

and u can even track him ...

 

collect info about the other lady ..

 

good luck , I hope you are wrong , and wish that it is just a misunderstanding ; not for his sake , for yours .

 

Cheating involves a lot of pain .

[beach]

I cannot express how grateful I am for this forum. I don't think I've ever gone through something that feels so isolating: I don't want to talk to my friends/family IRL about all this, because there is a chance (however slight) that I am wrong. I don't want to poison the people that love me against my husband unless I am 100% sure, proof in hand. So thank you, all of you, for making me feel less alone.

 

I am following the advice of many of you, and pretending that I was wrong for making such a horrible accusation against him, and asking his forgiveness for doubting him. He really raked me over the coals last night, it was awful. Asking me to tell him how he failed as a man and husband for me to ever believe he could do something like that, telling me he feels empty and broken, unlovable. Telling me that me even asking him something like that was "a red flag", and that me not trusting him is such a monstrous betrayal that it could even make him consider ending his marriage. On and on and on. By the time he was through with me I felt one inch tall, like a horrible wife who let her insecurities run away with her. Like I had truly wronged the one person who loved me unconditionally. Then I got on here and read some of the responses, and started thinking. How would I have reacted if I were innocent and he made that accusation against me? Not the way he did. I would have been bewildered, sure, but I also would have been empathetic and tried to understand what he was going through. I would have offered him my phone to look through, and opened up my Facebook and email to prove I had nothing to hide. Not because an innocent person should have the burden of proving his or herself faithful, but because when you love someone you do all you can to make them feel secure in their weakest moments. He did none of this for me. Instead, he raged at me, guilted me, and made me feel like I had made a huge mistake, done something unforgivable.

 

Today he is being incredibly sweet and loving. Constantly telling me how much I mean to him, how he would be nothing without me. Holding me and kissing me and generally being the model husband.

 

I don't know whether or not he slept with someone else. My gut says he did. If so, it would make last nights performance reprehensible beyond imagining. I have purchased software that will allow me to read his text messages. I will also be getting a VAR for his car. If I am wrong, then I will have to live with the guilt I'll feel for maligning an innocent man. But I would rather be wrong and KNOW it than live in this twilight forever.

 

 

This isn't the reaction (or even actions) of an innocent man. These are reactions of a cheater. Deflect and place blame elsewhere - gaslight you and make you feel bad = cheater. His reaction and blaming you is extremely abusive.

 

Not only the cheater but really abusive of him to treat you that way. And controlling finances to the point of not being able to spend a little money of your own? Honey, he has complete control over you! Why? Why have you allowed him to abuse and control you? That's so wrong of him. I hope you don't allow him to talk mean to you for one more second!

 

And now he changed his plans for travel? He was planning to go see her again... But now that you've outed him - he knows you're suspicious.

 

He's hiding a LOT! Yes, some guys leave the smell on their member like its a trophy or a conquest they are proud of. Literally rubbing it in your face is despicable of him!

 

And now he's acting all nice and remorseful by trying to manipulate you because he knows he's guilty! Typical abusive behavior! Overcompensating because he knows he's done you so wrong.

 

Find out what you need to know. You will only find what you already know. The gut is never wrong.

 

He's cheating. His history is to cheat... Why would you think it would be any different with you?

 

I'm so sorry... But you must start making decisions to take care of your future and to become more independent. See an attorney and find out info that will help you make a decision.

 

Move money into your name only. Do you work? Can you put your money in your own account?

 

It's odd that you know your son would lie to appease his Dad... What kind of parent does that - teaching their child to lie to cover their butt?

 

This guy seems like a bad seed. I hope you consider what's best for you - for your future! Cheating and abuse should not be part of your life. I hope you take good care.

Edited July 27, 2015 by beach

[oldshirt]

Continue forward with the VAR s, GPS, keyloggers etc. Check the phone records for calls and texts to her.

 

Keep your cool and play dumb. Pretend you buy his stories hook, line and sinker.

 

He has gone underground for now so it will be harder to uncover the smoking gun but eventually they will make a mistake. Cheaters often talk in the car so the VARs will be your friend. If he has a shop or a man cave or some other area that he can have private conversations, put some there too.

 

And finally remember, he already knows what he has done/is doing. You are not gathering evidence to convince him he is cheating. You are doing it to confirm it to yourself. You only need enough evidence that the light bulb goes off over your head. You don't need to convince him of anything nor do you need to prove it in court.

[solostand]

I'm a former OW and I just have to ask: why didn't he at least wash his dick off in the sink or something? Did he not think you would notice?

 

As a former OW, I can tell you we did almost all of our talking while he was in his vehicle so the VAR is also a great idea. We also talked when he was outside mowing the lawn, in his mancave, or on his deck. Wherever he could get away. His wife at the time thought everything was peachy, we were talking on the phone eight times a day, seeing each other almost every day, and having sex up to four times a week. This went on for more than two years before we got busted, most of that time she didn't have an inkling of suspicion, but when she did, he managed to talk her out of it.

 

Can you get access to his cellphone records? There will be a wealth of information there.

 

And my ex-MM used to gaslight, deny deny deny, and make his wife feel crazy too. We got caught anyway.

[autumnnight]

I can understand sometimes when a husband cheat after being in a long sexless marriage ;All what I got in 17 yrs was a vanilla version ,wife never initiated or did any single effort ; I have never had a BJ from her ; yet I am faithfull till now !

 

I haven't cheated yet ;not blaming wife anymore for anything , the norm is that when ppl reach such a dead end , they should divorce ;being unfaithull when the wife is a giver ; is the worst character.

 

In your case OP , you are a great giver , a real venus and give your husband everything a man needs ; yet it seems he is follwoing his animal desires.

 

Now cool down ; if you proove that he cheated on you , then no need to reconcile ; throw the towel .

 

you have to be patient , and now consider him as innocent until proven guilty ;I advise you to get closer to him ; and pretend that it was your fault to mistrust him ; you need to catch him ; and if he is cautious you won't ;don't withold sex with him ,let me him feel he is safe , start collecting evidences ...

What phone does he have , there are spying apps which are perfect , they let you see , hear everything on his phone .

 

and u can even track him ...

 

collect info about the other lady ..

 

good luck , I hope you are wrong , and wish that it is just a misunderstanding ; not for his sake , for yours .

 

Cheating involves a lot of pain .

 

First of all, this thread is about the OP's marriage.

Second, she has not mentioned at all that they have a sexless marriage. In fact, she had her mouth right next to his....when she noticed because she was about to have sex.

 

OP, I hope you are quietly investigating.