A "Successful" Affair?

[singer23]

No, I wasn't a cheater before. All those guys knew it wasn't exclusive, and my BF got all of the details of the long term F' buddy relationship - including when it came to an end.

 

Right now - I just, don't really want to bang anyone else. Yes it something I enjoy - maybe it's because I don't have anyone in my sights....

 

Just sat for an hour with OM - and I don't know, I feel like I have been able to cool my jets - his mere presence doesn't get my lions burning any more.

 

Maybe at some point I will look into the swinger thing... If this desire becomes unbearable again (it was always something I could control before this particular guy came into my life).

 

While *I* compartmentalize like a champ - my partner does not. Sex and emotion are very much intertwined for him.... So don't know.... But he DOES know that I am different that way.

 

 

Maybe you are not hot enough ? At 37, you are way past your prime physically. 3 sessions was all it took for him to lose interest in you after the initial "hotness" of an affair..

 

 

Maybe this is was an internal validation thing where you verified if you can still attract men of your age ?

[happyman64]

No, I wasn't a cheater before.

 

Maybe at some point I will look into the swinger thing... If this desire becomes unbearable again (it was always something I could control before this particular guy came into my life).

 

While *I* compartmentalize like a champ - my partner does not. Sex and emotion are very much intertwined for him.... So don't know.... But he DOES know that I am different that way.

 

He knows you are different. But would he expect you to be unfaithful?

 

 

Would he expect/tolerate you to lie to him? Even if the lie is by omission.

 

 

I think you need to be honest with him in the long run. Compartmentalization is not healthy. For you or for him.

 

 

You are being more honest with yourself as this thread moves along.

 

 

You are bold. You are forthright. You are enjoying being independent.

 

 

But are you ready to be honest with him???

[Sastrugi]

Maybe you are not hot enough ? At 37, you are way past your prime physically. 3 sessions was all it took for him to lose interest in you after the initial "hotness" of an affair..

 

 

Maybe this is was an internal validation thing where you verified if you can still attract men of your age ?

 

 

 

 

Singer don't be an ass. Those comments were completely uncalled for.

Personally, I very much respect the honest responses from OP.

 

OP, Hope, Mini - I appreciate you opening up and hearing your thoughts on this subject. You gals have given me a lot to think about.

 

So how does a guy who is caught in the marriage rut revitalize the marriages sex life? I can honestly say I am not built like Oldshirt, I would not be able to have a deep emotional connection with my SO if we were in an open relationship. I at least know that about myself.

 

I do know that if my wife asked me to get raunchy, try new things, role play, I would give it a 110% and more, and I would have a lot of fun trying.

 

Yet from what I am hearing from you three, there is also a mental aspect on your part ( fantasy, baseness ,etc) that the husband of many years may never be able to tap into. Am I understanding this correctly?

 

This segways into another thing OP said that really had me wondering -

 

 

 

As for my partner in bed - we have good chemistry, when it's "on" it can be great. Other times - eh, it gets the job done, but not a lot of fireworks. Also, its a bit tricky to make the change from "making love" (which I do very much enjoy, and is something I have only experienced with my partner) to getting f'ed like an animal- I have a strong desire for that at times as well (which I am going to try to express better).

Is it because your partner is not always performing at a 100% or is more because of your mindset during sex?

 

 

 

S.

[jbrent890]

Singer don't be an ass. Those comments were completely uncalled for.

Personally, I very much respect the honest responses from OP.

 

OP, Hope, Mini - I appreciate you opening up and hearing your thoughts on this subject. You gals have given me a lot to think about.

 

So how does a guy who is caught in the marriage rut revitalize the marriages sex life? I can honestly say I am not built like Oldshirt, I would not be able to have a deep emotional connection with my SO if we were in an open relationship. I at least know that about myself.

 

I do know that if my wife asked me to get raunchy, try new things, role play, I would give it a 110% and more, and I would have a lot of fun trying.

 

Yet from what I am hearing from you three, there is also a mental aspect on your part ( fantasy, baseness ,etc) that the husband of many years may never be able to tap into. Am I understanding this correctly?

 

This segways into another thing OP said that really had me wondering -

 

 

 

Is it because your partner is not always performing at a 100% or is more because of your mindset during sex?

 

 

 

S.

 

To answer the first part of your post. I did some research on this before going to bed and I found it is an amalgamation of factors. What Hope and Mini said are both right, but I also found that it is relationship dependent. After reading comments by women, I found that some women feel more comfortable doing certain sexual things with someone they barely know or don't care about. There was a comment I read by a red piller (I know I can't believe I was reading it either) that really hit home. He said that a woman gets to be somebody completely different with each relationship she has. In a long term relationship, the woman can be the wife, mother, care taker, etc. In a casual relationship, she gets to be the freak, which explains why a lot of women do things sexually with APs that they don't do with their husbands. In an affair, she gets to break free of her daily roles and become the freak. Sadly, for a lot of women, these roles can't coexist with each other. Its either one or the other. An the opposite is true too. A lot of women would never consider dating someone they had a casual fling with. The things that they would do with a casual partner would not fit into the role of the person they want to be in a long term relationship.

 

And I think a lot of this goes back to what I asked earlier, which was respect. Understandably, women want more respect from their long term partner than they do their casual fling. And this is not to say that men don't do the same as well. However, I have encountered more stories of women doing this then men.

[TrustedthenBusted]

I haven't yet read all the responses, but I can tell you the only thing "successful" about your affair is that you got away with it.....so far.

 

 

My wife had an affair, and I found out about it 8 years later. It was no less devastating.

 

This OM guy tells his buddy his story at a bar 5 years later, that guy tells his wife, his wife tells her girlfriends, and boom. OM's wife hears about it and flips out.

 

Guess who she is going to then find on Facebook and email. That's right....your husband.

 

happens all the time. And when it does, you will find that your affair was not successful at all. It has been transformed from one week of betrayals to 5 years of lies and deceipt, which will be infinitely harder to get over.

 

Now...you may take it to your grave "successfully" or you may not. My wife thought she was successful for 8 years and 2 kids later. Then Boom. House of Cards.

[aliveagain]

You may have been successful in having an affair and successful in avoiding detection so far but there is no such thing as a successful affair because no one wins, everyone looses something and sometimes you loose everything. The other thing to remember, there is no expiry date on discovery and the hurt stays the same.

[jen1447]

Maybe you are not hot enough ? At 37, you are way past your prime physically. 3 sessions was all it took for him to lose interest in you after the initial "hotness" of an affair..

 

 

Maybe this is was an internal validation thing where you verified if you can still attract men of your age ?

 

lol, whut? 37 is still 'young,' and most women are on the sexual upswing at that age.

[jbrent890]

You may have been successful in having an affair and successful in avoiding detection so far but there is no such thing as a successful affair because no one wins, everyone looses something and sometimes you loose everything. The other thing to remember, there is no expiry date on discovery and the hurt stays the same.

 

I think the point that you and T&B are looking past is that she doesn't just consider this successful because she got away with it. She considers this successful because not only did she get away with it, but because she feels it has brought her closer to her boyfriend sexually. In my opinion, this is one of the more dangerous types of affairs to have. Because what happens when things start to get banal again. And this is how I think a lot of serial cheaters and very LTAs are born. They use cheating as a means to spice up their primary relationship.

[autumnnight]

I think the point that you and T&B are looking past is that she doesn't just consider this successful because she got away with it. She considers this successful because not only did she get away with it, but because she feels it has brought her closer to her boyfriend sexually. In my opinion, this is one of the more dangerous types of affairs to have. Because what happens when things start to get banal again. And this is how I think a lot of serial cheaters and very LTAs are born. They use cheating as a means to spice up their primary relationship.

 

Honestly, to me, regardless of how much closer they "seem," they really aren't, because there is this huge third party in their relationship that he knows nothing about.

 

I mean, children might be more obedient if you beat them, but the ends do not justify the means....

[Clay]

I think the point that you and T&B are looking past is that she doesn't just consider this successful because she got away with it. She considers this successful because not only did she get away with it, but because she feels it has brought her closer to her boyfriend sexually. In my opinion, this is one of the more dangerous types of affairs to have. Because what happens when things start to get banal again. And this is how I think a lot of serial cheaters and very LTAs are born. They use cheating as a means to spice up their primary relationship.

 

Its a wreck waiting for a place to happen. It is in my mind of the worst possible things you could do to anyone. I personally would rather be shot or beat up severely than go through being cheated on again. What makes if even more hurtful is there is a complete lack of remorse.

 

Hopefully some day he learns he about this some day and walks away. No one deserves to be cheated on ever.

 

C

[Sastrugi]

To answer the first part of your post. I did some research on this before going to bed and I found it is an amalgamation of factors. What Hope and Mini said are both right, but I also found that it is relationship dependent. After reading comments by women, I found that some women feel more comfortable doing certain sexual things with someone they barely know or don't care about. There was a comment I read by a red piller (I know I can't believe I was reading it either) that really hit home. He said that a woman gets to be somebody completely different with each relationship she has. In a long term relationship, the woman can be the wife, mother, care taker, etc. In a casual relationship, she gets to be the freak, which explains why a lot of women do things sexually with APs that they don't do with their husbands. In an affair, she gets to break free of her daily roles and become the freak. Sadly, for a lot of women, these roles can't coexist with each other. Its either one or the other. An the opposite is true too. A lot of women would never consider dating someone they had a casual fling with. The things that they would do with a casual partner would not fit into the role of the person they want to be in a long term relationship.

 

And I think a lot of this goes back to what I asked earlier, which was respect. Understandably, women want more respect from their long term partner than they do their casual fling. And this is not to say that men don't do the same as well. However, I have encountered more stories of women doing this then men.

 

That makes some sense to me. Kind of explains what i have seen in my wife too, to this day my wife refuses to do things with me that she did with the om... And it still pisses me off because i would very much enjoy the experience together.

 

JB, thanks for that insight.

 

S.

Edited July 24, 2015 by Sastrugi

[TrustedthenBusted]

I think the point that you and T&B are looking past is that she doesn't just consider this successful because she got away with it. She considers this successful because not only did she get away with it, but because she feels it has brought her closer to her boyfriend sexually. In my opinion, this is one of the more dangerous types of affairs to have. Because what happens when things start to get banal again. And this is how I think a lot of serial cheaters and very LTAs are born. They use cheating as a means to spice up their primary relationship.

 

Oh I got it when I read it. I just ignored it because it's so entirely flawed. There is nothing successful about an affair.

 

Sure, there are some perceived upsides, but even those are false. I'm sure her husband wouldn't be thrilled to know that her increased sexual desire stems from banging another dude, even if he was enjoying the increased enthusiasm.

 

It's like any other justification out there. It brought us closer, it scratched an itch, it solidified my choice to be with my spouse, it kept my sanity, I found myself, blah blah blah.... the end is always the same.

 

Pain.

[jbrent890]

That makes some sense to me. Kind of explains what i have seen in my wife too, to this day my wife refuses to do things with me that she did with the om... And it still pisses me off because i would very much enjoy the experience together.

 

JB, thanks for that insight.

 

S.

 

Wow. I'm sorry to hear that. Usually when the BS finds something like that out, the WS starts doing those things with the betrayed in order to save face. It would be one thing if you never knew about that aspect of your wife's affair, but that cat's out of the bag. Cheating aside, I have seen a lot of men seriously consider divorce (some actually do) whenever they hear that their wives did things for previous partners that they won't do for them. Have you tried talking to your wife about this? Speaking for myself, if I was in your position, I would seriously consider leaving. Not only does the foster resentment, its a huge blow to your self-esteem, especially when you are trying to get over an affair.

[Clay]

That makes some sense to me. Kind of explains what i have seen in my wife too, to this day my wife refuses to do things with me that she did with the om... And it still pisses me off because i would very much enjoy the experience together.

 

JB, thanks for that insight.

 

S.

 

She would not be my wife. That to me is just another form of betrayal. Its like he is special and you are not.

 

I am sorry you are suffering with this but realize if you stay with her your agreeing to this behavior.

 

C

[jbrent890]

She would not be my wife. That to me is just another form of betrayal. Its like he is special and you are not.

 

I am sorry you are suffering with this but realize if you stay with her your agreeing to this behavior.

 

C

 

This is the last I'm going to post on this because we kind of thread jacked the OP, but if he threw divorce papers in his wife's face, she would change her tune drastically. S, I think one of the reasons your wife doesn't feel the need to do those things with you is because she thinks you are not going anywhere. In a way, you are kind of feeding her narcissism. You need to take a stand and let your wife know that if things don't change, your gone.

[Sastrugi]

Oh I got it when I read it. I just ignored it because it's so entirely flawed. There is nothing successful about an affair.

 

Sure, there are some perceived upsides, but even those are false. I'm sure her husband wouldn't be thrilled to know that her increased sexual desire stems from banging another dude, even if he was enjoying the increased enthusiasm.

 

It's like any other justification out there. It brought us closer, it scratched an itch, it solidified my choice to be with my spouse, it kept my sanity, I found myself, blah blah blah.... the end is always the same.

 

Pain.

 

PAIN, I know that PAIN.

I am trying to understand why I feel the PAIN.... I never felt PAIN when I was in Causal relationships or FWB. I didn't care if my partners were seeing some one else. Man did I feel PAIN after i bonded with my SO though. Interestingly enough my RA's did help diminish the PAIN.

 

 

If I understand OP correctly, I think she is saying that part of her Successful Affair was her Affair met her needs while also meeting her SO needs. So she sees no harm no foul. Intellectually I understand what she is saying, emotionally it just doesn't compute for me.

 

 

JBrent/ Clay, just read your other post before posting this. My big problem is this all happened in a 4 year span about 25 years ago. through all of that mess my SO and decided to give it one last try and we rugswept the hell out of everything. Sadly, I had a huge trigger last year. I realized all of the things you two just noted i should have done years ago. This last year I went to an IC to work on my emotional turmoil. Wife was devastated when I told her I was done. Anyway, I am a work in progress.

 

OP, so sorry for the thread jack, your thread has really been helpful for me.

 

All the best,

S.

[TrustedthenBusted]

PAIN, I know that PAIN.

I am trying to understand why I feel the PAIN.... I never felt PAIN when I was in Causal relationships or FWB. I didn't care if my partners were seeing some one else.

 

Perfectly natural. For me, I can have all the fun in the world in a casual relationship, because I'm getting out of it what I want. I don't care if the other guys are better looking, richer, better in bed... whatever. Because I want good company and sex.

 

But when we find someone we really like, the first thing we want to do is establish exclusivity. We don't want ourselves being compared to anyone else, so we work to remove the "anyone elses" from the equation. Some people even take an automatic dislike for whoever the LAST "anyone else" was.

 

Once we find the one we want to drag into our cave, that's it.... we want them to ourselves. Again, perfectly natural. And when THAT relationship gets intruded on....oh yeah baby...there's your ticket to ride the Pain Train!

 

 

Man did I feel PAIN after i bonded with my SO though. Interestingly enough my RA's did help diminish the PAIN.

S.

 

Yep. Now I didn't have an RA, but I think I can understand how they would help diminish the pain somewhat. But I am curious.

 

Did it help because you had a bunch of sex and realized that it wasn't really such a big deal?

 

Did it help you to understand your WS's perspective a bit, or better understand "how" she could have done this to you?

 

Did you write off your AP's easily, helping you to understand that your WS is being truthful when she says she doesn't think about her AP anymore either?

 

Or did just getting a little bootie make you feel better about yourself?

[RecentChange]

Maybe I am a narcissist, because honestly, insults from a bunch of scorned men who frequent a relationship forum really do not bother me (and there is a whole lot of projection going on here). As for those of you that got something out of this thread… good. Like I said before, I can handle getting beat up – I am a big girl.

 

As for the sex with my partner – it’s not that there are “freaky” things that I want to do, but can’t vocalize. We talk very openly about sex, have for a decade and a half… I am generally a direct person.

 

I am trying avoid being graphic – but lets just say my partner isn’t the kind to grab my hair and force me down on him. Its just not part of his natural constitution – I think it’s a bit to “weird” for him to do to someone he cares about. We do some stuff that is “close” but still within his comfort zone. I don’t have to “hide” my freak flag, he knows me pretty well sexually – and I know him, and his comfort zones. Its not like I am “saving the good stuff” for the other man.

 

As for questions regarding my partner’s performance – really, its no short comings on his end – he knows how to press my buttons, sometimes too well. A ton of orgasms are good… but sometimes the fumbling to find them is fun too (and I can’t say we have too much “fumbling” any more, we know EXACTLY what pulls the trigger).

 

We do have good chemistry – There is a reason why what I first assumed was going to be a one (all night) night stand turned into years and years together. I am still attracted to him physically and emotionally. Is it really that unusual that after 14 years, the sex life slow down from all nighters and every day, to once a week? After you have done someone countless times – I think its reasonable to struggle for “new” and “fresh” things to get excited about.

 

And it is one thing to think you want to try something – and to be surprised by liking something new – I don’t know, maybe I have to tell him to start brain storming about something to startle me with!? I am usually the one to bring out new tricks…

 

As for the “only one week” with the other guy – his wife was out of the country for only one week…. and when we decided to “do this”, “just this week” was a solid possibility from the start. Maybe I am an old hag – but I usually get guessed for much younger – religious use of sunscreen, not having children, eating well and keeping very active can do good things for you. I still fit into the same riding breeches that I had in high school.

 

I understand many of you are hurt. And I also think many of you, are like many men I have known, and despite social norms that say the opposite, for many men, sex IS explicitly tied to emotions – and that comes through clearly.

 

And I think that is another reason why things have come to an end with “OM” – despite a statement that “yes he can separate the two” I don’t think he can really, not fully at least.

 

And I hear you all loud and clear about the long term effects of cheating.

[jbrent890]

Its funny. The go to response for a wayward female whenever a male comments on her thread is "your scorned." It literally never fails. To be honest, its part of the reason I took a break from this site because as a male you really aren't taken seriously by female posters. None the less, I'm going to try to answer your original question. You need to define for yourself what you categorize as successful. Is it the fact that you got away with it? The fact that it reignited your sexual passion? Or is it both? Only you know the answer to that question. If you want my take, if you need a third person to reignite your primary relationship, then your relationship isn't as good as you say it is. All the things that you have experienced with this new guy, you can get with your BF, but you have to be willing to put the work in. You also need to ask yourself if you are ever going to be honest with your BF about what happened that week. I'm going to level with you, as other posters have said, if he does find out about this from someone else other than yourself, kiss your relationship goodbye. Thats my take. I truly do hope this helps.

[Sastrugi]

Hi Recent,

thanks for your candid response,

For some reason you remind me a lot of my past situation.

 

After I had busted my WS and I finally pried out the truth. I asked her why, her response, " it has nothing to do with you". WTF, the most painful words I think she has uttered to me. She was never able or willing to go into the detail discussion that you are willing to, hence my interest in your thread.

 

 

 

 

 

And it is one thing to think you want to try something – and to be surprised by liking something new – I don’t know, maybe I have to tell him to start brain storming about something to startle me with!? I am usually the one to bring out new tricks…

 

I think I can speak for many men, we just like sex, all that we can get. We all want to be seen as the stud of studs in our SO eyes. It is part of my repertoire to try new things and explore. The thing is, my SO doesn't always like what I try initially, I get redirects over and over. That is ok, I respect her boundaries. I just want to push her buttons the way she likes. We know what works for our SO, so we go back to that, because we are the stud of studs.

 

Unfortunately, many times, the new technique, idea, or position was never given a chance... Then when we bs's find out the OM did it with our SO, it is a very emasculating feeling.

 

On the other hand, if everything you did with om, you have done with your partner at some point in your past, then it is kind of game over for us bs's. We can not compete with the rush of oxytocyn and dopamine that the NRE gives. I understand this very well, and it hurts me less.

 

However, the biggest hurt by far is the lying and deception. I can tell you 25 years later my wife has earned a lot of trust back, but will never earn it all back. And that does effect how I bond to my wife. It will never be the same connection again for me. I am still connected, just not what it once was.

 

That is why many bs's tell you to confess. I know for me, this would have been huge. At least that component of trust - honesty - would still be intact.

 

 

 

 

As for the “only one week” with the other guy – his wife was out of the country for only one week…. and when we decided to “do this”, “just this week” was a solid possibility from the start. Maybe I am an old hag – but I usually get guessed for much younger – religious use of sunscreen, not having children, eating well and keeping very active can do good things for you. I still fit into the same riding breeches that I had in high school.

You noted that this affair was planned, it had a start and a stop date. Could it be the fear of rejection that cooled your feelings for the OM? And he for you?

 

I understand many of you are hurt. And I also think many of you, are like many men I have known, and despite social norms that say the opposite, for many men, sex IS explicitly tied to emotions – and that comes through clearly.

Absolutely, If I am Bonded to my SO, sex is the way I express my self and feel the closest emotional Connection to my SO. FWB, ONS sex is all about me.

 

And I think that is another reason why things have come to an end with “OM” – despite a statement that “yes he can separate the two” I don’t think he can really, not fully at least.

If I were a betting man, I would bet the OM will approach you again once his guilt wears off. New and good strange is an addiction.

 

S.

[Just a Guy]

Hi RC, I have read your OP[ and the subsequent posts and of course the responses of the large number of posters who have responded. My own view of things is as follows.

 

Firstly, as an intelligent and thinking adult who is responsible and mature I think you are fully entitled to live your life the way you see fit. After all the consequences of the choices you make and the actions that you take or do not take, to implement them will redound on you and not on others who may try to tell you how to live your life. If your attitude towards morality differs from that of others then so be it as long as it does not land you in jail or severely damage another person. Considering the fact that you love your SO and care deeply about him, I am sure that you will take all precautions to make sure that he does not get singed. I do not say that what you did was the right thing by him but then you will be living with that sword of Damocles hanging over your head, probably for the rest of your life. As an adult you will have to deal with that.

 

Secondly, You mentioned that you are the principal bread earner in the relationship and that you are the one who pays the bills and gets the food on the table, buys the cars in the family and pays the mortgage/rent on your living abode. You also stated somewhere that you are highly qualified and intelligent et al. it seems to me that in comparison your SO has slightly diminished intellectual capacities and is less qualified and so, is in an inferior financial position as compared to you. That being said I would think that over the long term this factor has affected him to the extent that his self esteem and self image have suffered substantially. This may have been a cause of resentment against you and led him to having an affair on one of his trips out of town. The fact is that from a male point of view the man is considered to be the primary bread winner and if for some reason this is not the case his male ego would be severely affected. I may be wrong in this assessment and you would be the best judge of what really was at the root of his problem. The remedy for this would be that he should try and qualify himself more so that he can, at least, hold a job at par with yours if not better. If he does not have the intellectual capacity to do so then I think there are going to be problems in the future too, as he will never be able to shake of his inferiority.

 

Thirdly, you mentioned somewhere that although you had a bit of a promiscuous past once you got into a relationship with your SO you were fully monogamous. You were able to fend off guys hitting on you and were able to hold your own horses as far as sex was concerned with other guys. However, when Mr. Smells Good came along something in you snapped. The itch came back on strong and you could not hold yourself back. Have you considered that the magic that Mr. Smells Good worked on you was due to his pheromones? I guess we do not take such things into consideration but they are real factors. Equally, I think your pheromones worked their magic on him. So voila, you had three sex sessions with him till it had to end because his wife was back in town and he suddenly started feeling guilty. Well if that is what happened then it can happen again with some one else's pheromones and there you will go again. Just my point of view! Hope some of this helps. If it doesn't just ignore it. Cheers!

[RecentChange]

Wow! Thank you for the thoughtful reply "just a guy" - I do think you are spot I regarding a number of issues - and gives me more to think about / work on.

 

Regarding my partner's career path - it's not that he is dim, quite the opposite. He is a very bright man - but (in my opinion) he lacks focus and commitment (work ethic). He has bounced around from various industries always looking for something he will "enjoy". While I am the buckle down and get things DONE kind of person - and that has been reflected in promotions and pay increases. With some additional education he could increase his earning potential - it has been discussed - but never followed through. In short, I "handle" everything because he just doesn't keep it together. I hate doing the bills, and have asked him to take them over - which he will for a while - and then somehow they end up back on me.

 

BUT you have really given me something to think about. I DO demasculate him in many ways - I am a dominate kind of person, very independent, and I need to work on making him feel NEEDED and desired. I haven't been lately - I realize that now.

 

And I think part of that is my ego. I have been driven and working HARD for a long time now - and currently reaping the rewards of that - and I think it has gotten to my head. This "fling" with a HOT, young guy (also a professional - damn he looks goo in a suit), getting my sporty car up and going, been super dedicated to my horse back riding and moved up a division - while having enough $ to fund it all - yep, I was having my cake and eating it too.

 

Regarding pheromones - oh yes... From when I first met this guy I noticed that it was his very unique smell that attracted me. I can literally tell when he is sitting in another part of the train car (can smell him but not see him). I don't think his smell is "strong" - I don't know, it's bazaar - never experienced anything like it. Caused me to read up about pheromones and the role sent plays in attraction. I wish I could bottle his smell! He suggested that perhaps it was his soap etc - but no, it's him. Interestingly, he is from another country and there is research that suggest women can be attracted by the smell of men who are genetically dissimilar to them. Now that I have been with him, I find his sent easier to ignore.

 

And selfish and ****ty - not an excuse, but a reason - I had never been attracted to an acquaintance to the point fantasying about them often....... Then, months later, learn that they had been fantasying about me that whole time? "I have been thinking about this for a long time" was a huge turn on. As is the fact that I know he is still thinking about me, but "can't" have me.

 

My partner and I would have the hottest sex when he returned from work trips - unfortunately his current job doesn't call for travel - need to figure out how to up that "desire".

 

Meanwhile - he stayed out late with the bros last night - I was freshly shaved and hoping for some when he got home - but he was too sloppy drunk - so I took care of myself - sigh.

 

Lastly - heh, yeah I had been around the block. Choosy, but that was very easy to be when in college (thousands of horny young men). I like sex, I have "studied" sex. I am always looking to expand my repertoire, and I enjoy "teaching"...... Sex had never been reserved only for those that I am, or desire to be emotionally connected to.

[RecentChange]

Uff - I didn't want to bump up my own thread with some me first navel gazing **** but here I am. And like I said earlier - maybe others can gain something, even if it's just some insight from my candid spewing. I have never been one for diaries - but at this point I don't mind if this is just an echo-chamber.

 

I certainly didn't give this the weight it deserved as to how it would make me REALLY start to look at things and question what I want / need / where I am going. I had been ignoring this little voice that had been saying "do you need him?" And right now I am giving that more thought then I ever imagined I would.

 

OM - whoa are my jets cooling. Again, sat with him, but barely spoke, and it's like I couldn't smell him if I tried! (Hahaha) what the hell? Maybe part of the "intoxicating" smell was sexual tension... I still think he is hot - and "replay" in my head if you will - but do not feel under his spell.

 

Had WONDERFUL passionate ****ing hot sex with my partner this week - he pushed some boundaries, it's was super satisfying - some real "back in the day" stuff. I literally wondered to my self "what am I doing? (By cheating) This is great" and he remarked "Jesus you have been horny lately" - I keep chalking it up to how much better I have been feeling since I dedicated more time to sleep (I used to average close to 5 hours a night - but have been committing to 6-7)

 

And.... I have been wanting it constantly lately - which is perplexing. First, I USED to constantly want it - but that changed - and I never really questioned WHY. I thought, is this what getting older is about? Is this what my friend joked about when she was a decade + deep in a relationship? I didn't QUESTION it hard! I didn't think about it, I just "accepted" it, an watched my sex life fizzle. Ugh! The reasons were many.... Some I accept responsibly for, some I will blame my partner's apathy on.

 

And the more I think, and look at what I have, the more committed I feel to it. I first opened this ready to throw myself a pitty party. I just went and supported him at a work event (after my 13 hour day), chatted up all his clients - was supposed to meet him home - and I REALLY wanted at lest a quickie before bed - but... He is staying out and entertaining a bit longer.... So, instead of just pouting - I told him that I was hoping for an F' (and he IS like all warm blooded men and usually responds to the suggestion) - but understand he needs to stay out - he can wake me when he gets home

 

Meanwhile - I have to be up in 5.5 hours....so, I am going to bed - and hope he wakes me up.... Who needs sleep, I ready to make some compromises.

[jen1447]

Uff - I didn't want to bump up my own thread with some me first navel gazing **** but here I am. And like I said earlier - maybe others can gain something, even if it's just some insight from my candid spewing. I have never been one for diaries - but at this point I don't mind if this is just an echo-chamber.

 

I certainly didn't give this the weight it deserved as to how it would make me REALLY start to look at things and question what I want / need / where I am going. I had been ignoring this little voice that had been saying "do you need him?" And right now I am giving that more thought then I ever imagined I would.

 

OM - whoa are my jets cooling. Again, sat with him, but barely spoke, and it's like I couldn't smell him if I tried! (Hahaha) what the hell? Maybe part of the "intoxicating" smell was sexual tension... I still think he is hot - and "replay" in my head if you will - but do not feel under his spell.

 

Had WONDERFUL passionate ****ing hot sex with my partner this week - he pushed some boundaries, it's was super satisfying - some real "back in the day" stuff. I literally wondered to my self "what am I doing? (By cheating) This is great" and he remarked "Jesus you have been horny lately" - I keep chalking it up to how much better I have been feeling since I dedicated more time to sleep (I used to average close to 5 hours a night - but have been committing to 6-7)

 

And.... I have been wanting it constantly lately - which is perplexing. First, I USED to constantly want it - but that changed - and I never really questioned WHY. I thought, is this what getting older is about? Is this what my friend joked about when she was a decade + deep in a relationship? I didn't QUESTION it hard! I didn't think about it, I just "accepted" it, an watched my sex life fizzle. Ugh! The reasons were many.... Some I accept responsibly for, some I will blame my partner's apathy on.

 

And the more I think, and look at what I have, the more committed I feel to it. I first opened this ready to throw myself a pitty party. I just went and supported him at a work event (after my 13 hour day), chatted up all his clients - was supposed to meet him home - and I REALLY wanted at lest a quickie before bed - but... He is staying out and entertaining a bit longer.... So, instead of just pouting - I told him that I was hoping for an F' (and he IS like all warm blooded men and usually responds to the suggestion) - but understand he needs to stay out - he can wake me when he gets home

 

Meanwhile - I have to be up in 5.5 hours....so, I am going to bed - and hope he wakes me up.... Who needs sleep, I ready to make some compromises.

 

Good stuff. btw your drive going up at your age is completely normal and expected, even if the off phase was maybe a little unusual. I think it's generally determined by mindset = life situation (the variable part that can be affected by circumstances) and biology (the invariable part where women's drives increase with age). Enjoy it.

[Clay]

This is only my opinion and I could be wrong but I think the reason you no longer see the OM as that attractive to you is due to the fact the adventure is gone. Sure he is still a guy your attracted to but not in the same way.

 

Its great your investing back into your relationship but I can't imagine what it must feel like to know your using him. He is essentially a place holder until you find someone better. Do you think he would still want all the sex if he knew you had your affair? I think in the end your not only robbing him but your robbing yourself. What do you tell yourself everyday to say its all ok.

 

Now if I am wrong and you are ok with living this kind of a lifestyle there is another section on this site that might offer you more support in this. You might want to consider opening the thread there.

 

I personally think you should be honest with your partner so he could have the same choice that you do but I doubt that is going to happen.

 

C