A "Successful" Affair?

[SoulStorm]

Okay I will admit I am just being argumentative now.

 

Your example is using an alternative definition of guilt.

 

There is guilt the EMOTION. In my example, let's say the "drug dealer" is growing medical marijuana in a place it is still illegal. It's hidden because there are negative legal consequences if discovered. The MJ grower feels GOOD about growing the MJ. He does not "FEEL GUILTY". That's not why he hides it. He hides it to avoid jail.

 

Now if discovered by the police he will not be charged with "guilty or innocent" but with cultivating marijuana - which the court will ind him "guilty" of - as in yes, he did it. Does the grower FEEL GUILT? Most likely not, as he did not feel what he did was wrong, he did not feel it was unjust, it was just contrary to the norms and laws in his area.

 

I think in order to FEEL guilt, one must internally believe what they are doing is wrong.

 

Case in point - many religions "install" guilt for a number of actions that someone who was not brought up under that faith may practice without a twinge if guilt, because they have not been taught / do not believe it is wrong.

 

And I am sure some will be aghast, but I am still not feeling guilty. To the poster that asked if I do feel it when he "does something nice for me" - no, not yet at least- and maybe I need to open my eyes more, but I any recall anything he has done that was "extra nice" in the last few weeks. Don't know what else to say about that....

 

Ok..I'll give you 1 point for being argumentative.

 

So you don't think what you're doing is wrong, you don't feel guilty about it,but if you were found out you would then feel bad about it?

 

Ok

[Hope Shimmers]

Her affair was 20 months. The situation are totally different, I honestly I could have handled you thing with ease. Many didn't believe me when I told my story about two years ago but it was never the sex. I was open to exploring others sexually. Not in a swingers way or I want to watch some other guy with my wife. But in a we've been together since we were 17 and I wouldn't mind trying out someone else kinda way.

 

Her affair wasn't sexually charged, but she wasn't in love with him. From what she has told me he was a place holder because I was on the road upwards of 220 days a year.

 

No projection, no triggers.

 

I may get in trouble for saying this, but it needs to be said.

 

You have said in several of your posts that you "never left your wife" despite the divorce and that is completely correct. I have never in my life seen such an emotionally codependent relationship. Your divorce meant NOTHING, because you didn't really divorce her except on paper. You two were completely together the entire time.

 

And BTW, from your initial posts when you first came here, you did get into discussion about comparisons between her AP and you. I won't get into those details here, but to say now that they have no relevance is not the truth.

 

I see your posts on here and you are supposed to be in reconciliation and none of it fits. Get the **** OUT of the affair nightmare party that is on here constantly and focus on Lovin' if that is really what you want to do. Just stop marinading in infidelity of everyone else in the world 24/7 IF what you really want to do is reconcile with Lovin'. I hope you do it.

Edited August 9, 2015 by Hope Shimmers

[nikki76]

I may get in trouble for saying this, but it needs to be said.

 

You have said in several of your posts that you "never left your wife" despite the divorce and that is completely correct. I have never in my life seen such an emotionally codependent relationship. Your divorce meant NOTHING, because you didn't really divorce her except on paper. You two were completely together the entire time.

 

And BTW, from your initial posts when you first came here, you did get into discussion about comparisons between her AP and you. I won't get into those details here, but to say now that they have no relevance is not the truth.

 

I see your posts on here and you are supposed to be in reconciliation and none of it fits. Get the **** OUT of the affair nightmare party that is on here constantly and focus on Lovin' if that is really what you want to do. Just stop marinading in infidelity of everyone else in the world 24/7 IF what you really want to do is reconcile with Lovin'. I hope you do it.

 

I'm looking for the "love" button on here but can't find it.

[Just a Guy]

Hi RC, Good to see you posting and vigorously defending yourself. Fact is most people here still cannot digest the fact that you are your own person and living your life on your own terms.

 

I had a question for you. In what happened in your case what circumstances would have made it wrong on your part and therefore, made you feel guilty? It would be illuminating to know your line of reasoning. Thanks.

[Sub]

Fact is most people here still cannot digest the fact that you are your own person and living your life on your own terms.

 

This is a beautiful sentiment, one I can't disagree with. I'm all for people being themselves and living their lives to the fullest on their terms. What makes it truly full, however, is living it honestly. And unfortunately, sometimes decisions attached to such living have consequences.

[Mickey1982]

Amen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[autumnnight]

Hi RC, Good to see you posting and vigorously defending yourself. Fact is most people here still cannot digest the fact that you are your own person and living your life on your own terms.

 

I had a question for you. In what happened in your case what circumstances would have made it wrong on your part and therefore, made you feel guilty? It would be illuminating to know your line of reasoning. Thanks.

 

I am glad you are hip and cool enough to believe that having sex with someone besides your spouse and hiding it is a great choice. I guess the rest of us are just sticks in the mud.....

[happyman64]

But I am also not going to deny that I didn't feel bad in the act. That instead I felt like "F' I needed this!" and the idea of living the rest of my life without that kind of experience ever again (if I didn't go through with it) was a jagged pill to swallow.

 

 

 

My question to you RC is are you going to do this again?

 

 

Are you so dissatisfied with your Partner or your shared sex life that you would seek out a married, other man to satisfy your lust?

 

 

Would you be willing to risk your existing relationship for a few ONS again?

[truncated]

Hi RC, Good to see you posting and vigorously defending yourself. Fact is most people here still cannot digest the fact that you are your own person and living your life on your own terms.

 

I had a question for you. In what happened in your case what circumstances would have made it wrong on your part and therefore, made you feel guilty? It would be illuminating to know your line of reasoning. Thanks.

 

 

The problem is that while she may be her own person, the actions she takes have extreme consequences for someone else. She unilaterally made the decision to expose her spouse the the potential fallout from cheating.

 

Why, for some, is coping with marriage problems by cheating seen as okay because it's "living your life on your terms"? By that logic, anything her husband did or didn't do that brought her to the point where she would consider it to be an acceptable choice must also be okay because he was "living his life on his terms".

[DKT3]

I'm looking for the "love" button on here but can't find it.

 

Love it? Were that the case none of us would be here.

 

BTW, we're doing pretty good, we've really made some progress these last few weeks.

[MJJean]

I skimmed most of the thread, so pardon if these things have already been mentioned, OP.

 

First, no matter how carefully you use protection, you are still putting your partners at risk. Condoms DO NOT protect against STIs passed via skin to skin contact such as genital herpes and genital warts. If you have oral sex without a barrier, you can still contract quite a few STIs and pass those along, too.

 

You did put your partner at risk. You assumed the risk knowingly. He did not.

 

You compartmentalize. So do I. I get it. The reality of being human is that it's never just sex. We release all kinds of happy brain chemicals when we participate in sexual activity. Some of those hormones are designed to bond pairs. Eventually, one can/will fall prey to human biology and develop some kind of feelings. Which pose a threat to the primary relationship. So, even for those of us who are more detached and clinical, there is a risk of bonding to a secondary partner.

 

You knowingly assumed that risk to your relationship, OP, but your partner did not.

 

That all said, why should you feel guilty? Why should your partner feel guilty for his affair? You aren't married. You're both single. In a relationship, yes, but unmarried and therefore single. You're both free to have sex and whatever else with whomever you please.

 

If you were married, I would see it differently. But you're not. Quite deliberately from the tone of your posts. If you two have chosen not to accept the benefits of marriage, why should you have to accept the "drawbacks"? Which, in this case, is perpetual fidelity.

 

As a side note, if you want to understand how the sex got better for a time after either infidelity, Google hysterical bonding.

[DKT3]

I skimmed most of the thread, so pardon if these things have already been mentioned, OP.

 

First, no matter how carefully you use protection, you are still putting your partners at risk. Condoms DO NOT protect against STIs passed via skin to skin contact such as genital herpes and genital warts. If you have oral sex without a barrier, you can still contract quite a few STIs and pass those along, too.

 

You did put your partner at risk. You assumed the risk knowingly. He did not.

 

You compartmentalize. So do I. I get it. The reality of being human is that it's never just sex. We release all kinds of happy brain chemicals when we participate in sexual activity. Some of those hormones are designed to bond pairs. Eventually, one can/will fall prey to human biology and develop some kind of feelings. Which pose a threat to the primary relationship. So, even for those of us who are more detached and clinical, there is a risk of bonding to a secondary partner.

 

You knowingly assumed that risk to your relationship, OP, but your partner did not.

 

That all said, why should you feel guilty? Why should your partner feel guilty for his affair? You aren't married. You're both single. In a relationship, yes, but unmarried and therefore single. You're both free to have sex and whatever else with whomever you please.

 

If you were married, I would see it differently. But you're not. Quite deliberately from the tone of your posts. If you two have chosen not to accept the benefits of marriage, why should you have to accept the "drawbacks"? Which, in this case, is perpetual fidelity.

 

As a side note, if you want to understand how the sex got better for a time after either infidelity, Google hysterical bonding.

I doubt its hysterical bonding, that happens when both are aware of the infidelity. I don't know if there is a name for it, but we went through it. Here is how it happened.

 

For the first few years of our relationship there were things that we both wanted sexually that the other wasn't in to. For me not so much sexual things more locations.

 

Anyway towards the end of her affair and shortly after (I was unaware) she started to open up and was willing to do those things I wanted all those years ago. Of course it recharged me and in turn I was willing to do the things she wanted (I will admit, still not a fan but willing to try). After 15+ years it was like a sexual awakening for us.

 

Years later we were told in MC that it was her attempt to place me above her AP, and showed that even though she had done those things that she wanted to stay with me.

 

In short it was her, she made the extra effort that made me want to match it.

 

I think in a way this is what RC has done. The problem as I see it (maybe I'm wrong) the things that drove her to cheat can't change so what's to stop her in the future?

 

Married or not she is in a committed relationship, one that has lasted longer then most marriages. Truth is that paper doesn't make you love more or invest more emotions in a person.

[RecentChange]

Oh, as for “defending myself” – eh’ I really don’t give a rats ass to what posters on here “think of me” – but I don’t mind sharing my point of view as writing it out, and thinking about it is helpful. I am not trying to change or convince anyone, most are firmly entrenched in their views (and a few seem to find my posts helpful, or at least interesting).

 

Now as to what circumstances would have made me feel guilty – that’s an interesting question. I think I never “did this” before (because yes, there was plenty of opportunity over the years) because I felt it would have been wrong to do so, I didn’t feel a NEED to do so, and I am guessing I would have felt “guilty”.

 

I think this was a result of years of accumulation… a long time of …just being, and not “LIVING” enough. I was getting sick of the mutual “blas” I had decided I wasn’t “waiting around for things to get better” and to concentrate on myself instead (living with someone who struggles with depression can be difficult at times). I really cranked down on my career / health etc – and I think the new “power” was well… empowering. I was doing S*** for myself.

 

Guilt - There was this one time…. I know I have mentioned on this thread when I met my partner – I had this long term (couple years) F’ buddy on the side. I slept with him “one last time” a couple months after my partner and I had been dating seriously… And it was WEIRD! It felt wrong… I don’t know, I had gotten used to this new “emotionally” tied sex with my partner, and…. maybe it was GUILT – but it just didn’t feel right at all. And that was it, the last time I had ever slept with anyone else for a good 14 years…. (on a side note – brain chemicals, I managed to F’ that guy for two years without really developing “feelings” for him, and I think at times that was a problem for him…)

 

I kinda thought it might be like that with the OM – feel “wrong” weird – guilt, whatever that was….because that’s how the “last time” I had sex with someone else was. but it WASN’T not at all – no, it was more like the sex I had before I ever met my partner.

 

[Edited to add - another thought on "guilt" - we were going at it this weekend, and he comments about how hot / horny I have been.... and followed it with a "I wonder why" whispered in my ear. F*** - okay, there is the guilt - I can't fully answer that question, wish I could but I can't]

 

Would I do it again? That’s a hard one to HONESTLY answer…. But I will give it a shot. Right now, I would say no. I have what I need at the moment, so I don’t feel a desire to “wander”.

 

YES, I don’t even need to google it (okay I gave it a quick google) – I can tell you, after his affair, “hysterical bonding” would be a perfect descriptor for what we went through.

 

But I don’t know if I would categorize our current “better” and more frequent sex the same. I don’t feel like I am trying to “rekindle the bond” with him like I was last time – no, this feels more like THIS IS WHAT I NEED, and making it VERY clear what I want. Sex with my partner has gotten better than it has been in YEARS, better than the “rekindling” we had after his affair. I had just grown so passive about so many things… I am usually quite ASSERTIVE (in bed and otherwise), I hadn’t been, and I am again. We had gotten into such a rut “eh, he knows what I like…” and its like I had almost forgotten about what I REALLY do need and like.

 

The honest part – If the OM propositioned me, and the situation was right, I don’t know that I would say no. I do not see meeting, and hopping in the sack with anyone else. But I am still very attracted to the “OM”.

 

Oh, and more “troubling” revelations (just to poke a stick at some people) – Yes, other man is married. Yes, I knew that. I feel the “OM” is not my partner’s problem – I am. I am not his wife’s problem – Mr. Smells Good is. Now, as to why a married man is giving out his number – and perusing someone after less than 2 years of marriage – I don’t know, but I do not feel particularly responsible for that.

 

Side note for those that insinuated that I somehow “seduced” this young man… not that I am shying away from responsibility for what I have done - but he is the one that constantly pushed the envelope, and admits to “starting all of this”. Yes, I could have said no, and I didn’t. Being a “home wrecker” didn’t stop me, he was the one straying from his wife (but if he had kids – I would have stopped myself).

 

And I am not saying what I have done is a “great choice” or right for anyone, or everyone. But it DOES give you some perspective on how some people “work”? No?

Edited August 10, 2015 by RecentChange

[jen1447]

Oh, and more “troubling” revelations (just to poke a stick at some people) – Yes, other man is married. Yes, I knew that. I feel the “OM” is not my partner’s problem – I am. I am not his wife’s problem – Mr. Smells Good is. Now, as to why a married man is giving out his number – and perusing someone after less than 2 years of marriage – I don’t know, but I do not feel particularly responsible for that.

 

I've generally taken that same attitude - I don't hold myself responsible for others' decisions and actions. It may be tempting to attempt that but it's actually really patronizing and presumptuous. I assume adults are adults, which means they don't need my input to take care of them and it's actually inappropriate for me to presume to think for them.

[qubist]

RecentChange, if you really enjoy what you SO is giving you right now you both should work on keeping it up, the fact that you think that if the other man reaches out to you wouldn't know what to do is concerning, unless you are an unaltered polygamous (which i don't think you are) in this case you should talk to your SO about an open marriage. if not, and you really like the guy you are with and he is satisfying your need right now you should work on your current R. make sure you mention to your SO that the sex life is better now that will give him confidence and urges him to stay that way.

as for the looong debate you are having with some of the posters here I believe it is just a waist of time as neither side will convince the other side.

good luck

[jen1447]

as for the looong debate you are having with some of the posters here I believe it is just a waist of time as neither side will convince the other side.

good luck

RC's not trying to convince anyone, and afai can tell she didn't really ask to be convinced of anything herself. She said in OP she wanted to -

 

- air my feeling

- get a bit of feed back from others

- asked "any others ever have a “successful” affair?"

[jbrent890]

Wow. I completely missed the part where you were the first one to cheat. And I am assuming that your partner does not know about that as well. I really do think that you need to talk to your partner about opening up the relationship. I'm not going to lie, this has to be one of the more disturbing threads I have read on an infidelity site. The fact that you have cheated before changes things a lot. There is no shame in admitting that monogamy is probably not your thing. The reason why I think you are going to cheat again is because you really haven't taken any steps to make sure that it doesn't. It sounds like you didn't do it the first time and your not again. I think you either need to find a way to open up the relationship or release your partner. You really are running the risk of destroying this man. Lastly, and this isn't meant to be an insult, but at this point, I don't think you can use his cheating as an excuse for yours. You cheated on him way before he cheated on you.

[DKT3]

Wow. I completely missed the part where you were the first one to cheat. And I am assuming that your partner does not know about that as well. I really do think that you need to talk to your partner about opening up the relationship. I'm not going to lie, this has to be one of the more disturbing threads I have read on an infidelity site. The fact that you have cheated before changes things a lot. There is no shame in admitting that monogamy is probably not your thing. The reason why I think you are going to cheat again is because you really haven't taken any steps to make sure that it doesn't. It sounds like you didn't do it the first time and your not again. I think you either need to find a way to open up the relationship or release your partner. You really are running the risk of destroying this man. Lastly, and this isn't meant to be an insult, but at this point, I don't think you can use his cheating as an excuse for yours. You cheated on him way before he cheated on you.

 

Her cheating was kinda implied early when talking about her FWB, I not sure but I think she claimed he knew, now with the different wording I don't think he knew all.

 

I actually don't find this all that disturbing because its clear there is a great lack of respect here. Its what's to be expected.

[RecentChange]

Wow. I completely missed the part where you were the first one to cheat. And I am assuming that your partner does not know about that as well.

 

Yeah I didn't mention it on the thread earlier - sure I will divulge.

 

When I met my "partner" I had "this guy" who was my F' buddy. Partner knew all about him from the start (that I had this "strange" sex only relationship). And knew that I had basically stopped sleeping with him as things heated up with my partner.

 

This was 3-4 months into our relationship. At the time is was long distance (as he took a job 400 miles away a month after we met), and I was aware of a girl that he was "kinda" seeing in that town (don't know all of the details, never really asked - I know that they had sex).

 

We had expressed feelings for each other, but had not declared exclusivity at that point.

 

And I slept with "that guy" one last time - and I told my partner about it. . He didn't seem to have a problem with it (and I hadn't been giving him heat about what ever girl he was casual with down there).

 

Telling him wasn't so much of a "confession of cheating" but telling him - I can't even sleep with other people right now, that is how much you have gotten to me.

 

It felt "weird" not so much because I was "cheating" - but because at that point at least - I had been "changed" in a way I hadn't been before (its like the "make love" switch had been turned on... and was so wrong with F' buddy).

Edited August 10, 2015 by RecentChange

[MJJean]

I doubt its hysterical bonding, that happens when both are aware of the infidelity.

 

 

I think in a way this is what RC has done. The problem as I see it (maybe I'm wrong) the things that drove her to cheat can't change so what's to stop her in the future?

 

Married or not she is in a committed relationship, one that has lasted longer then most marriages. Truth is that paper doesn't make you love more or invest more emotions in a person.

 

I snipped some of the post to save space.

 

Hysterical bonding happens even when one person is not aware there has been infidelity. As you described, one partner is behaving differently and the other responds.

 

Yes, RC is in a committed relationship. But a committed relationship is not a marriage. It, by nature, lacks some of the basic properties of marriage. And that's ok! My parents never married. They were together for 18 years at the time of my mothers untimely death. I have no bias against those who choose not to marry.

 

That said, the reality is that those who choose not to marry choose not to marry for a reason. And that reason is that there are essential properties of marriage, often permanence, fidelity, and legal/social obligations, that they do not want in their current relationship.

 

Marriage is more that a piece of paper. It's a social, moral, and legal commitment. It's standing up in front of the law, family and friends, and whatever Deity the participants believe in and making sacred promises. Generally, marriage is taken more seriously, by participants and society, than a live-in situation. And that's as it should be.

 

RC and her partner did not make that commitment, did not take those vows. So why should they be held to the same standard of those that did?

 

If RC and her partner wanted to make public promises of permanent fidelity, they would do that. But they haven't, because the truth is that neither of them wants to be in a permanently monogamous relationship.

 

RC, you have had a brief FWB and then an affair while with your partner. He has also been with other women, here and there, from what I gather reading your posts. Neither of you seems particularly perturbed by these facts.

 

Why not just have a non-monogamy agreement of some kind?

[Mickey1982]

I may get in trouble for saying this, but it needs to be said.

 

You have said in several of your posts that you "never left your wife" despite the divorce and that is completely correct. I have never in my life seen such an emotionally codependent relationship. Your divorce meant NOTHING, because you didn't really divorce her except on paper. You two were completely together the entire time.

 

And BTW, from your initial posts when you first came here, you did get into discussion about comparisons between her AP and you. I won't get into those details here, but to say now that they have no relevance is not the truth.

 

I see your posts on here and you are supposed to be in reconciliation and none of it fits. Get the **** OUT of the affair nightmare party that is on here constantly and focus on Lovin' if that is really what you want to do. Just stop marinading in infidelity of everyone else in the world 24/7 IF what you really want to do is reconcile with Lovin'. I hope you do it.

 

AMEN, Hope Shimmers!

[Hope Shimmers]

AMEN, Hope Shimmers!

 

OMG! It's you!!!!!! It's so great to see you here!

[Just a Guy]

Hi Autumn Night, I think that maybe you have misunderstood me or have not really read all that I have written here on this thread or in the General Discussions forum. I should say that I am Not at all cool with cheating or extra marital sex. However I also think that in RC's case things are slightly different from those of a traditional marriage. She is already "Living in sin" as per the norms of society. She is not married to her partner. The other fact is that her partner has had an affair which was both emotional and physical. People, when reacting to her posts conveniently fail to factor in that bit of information. There are betrayed spouses here who have had so called "Revenge Affairs" and except for minor admonishments I have not seen any one relentlessly try to get them to acknowledge that they have committed a Cardinal sin in cheating on their WSs'.

 

The fact is that RC came here to get the views of others and not to get bashed. If people had something to say to her they should have done so without being judgmental or trying to browbeat her into some form of submission and acknowledge that she had committed a grave sin against against her partner. If there are any consequences to be faced for her action I am sure she must be well aware of them and will shoulder them as and when they present themselves to her. If I have been supportive of her on this forum(Not that she needs it at all) it is because I find that she has been honest and upfront about her actions, decisions and motivations for what ever she has done. She has also accepted responsibility for all of her actions, right or wrong, without flinching. Finally, she is leading her life according to her own convictions and does not need others to tell her how to live her life. Yes I agree that she has done wrong against her partner and I made that clear in one of my earlier posts. But I do not believe in hounding her about it. I am sure she is mature enough to decide what she should do or not do with regard to repairing any damage she may have caused to her relationship. I hope I have managed to clarify any misunderstandings you may have about me and my line of thinking. Have a Happy Day!

Edited August 12, 2015 by Just a Guy

[RecentChange]

Updates for the curious.

 

Things with my partner (I am going to call him D) have been good, really good.

 

The sex has been better, fantastic – and he is even initiating now. I feel like I am appreciating him more, and I am trying my best to show him more affection and be more supportive. I think that we are enjoying each other more (had been in such a rut). We are going out more often (cocktail bars etc – dates if you will) and having more fun. He seems to be responding positively – He seems to be, hum, “boosted” a bit? He has been more positive about work – went out and got a SEXY new hair cut (and usually I have to hound about these things).

 

And…..I admit, he doesn’t know what has gotten into me, but he isn’t complaining.

 

I still see the other man (from here on S) often on my commute – we WERE keeping things totally tame, really pretending like nothing had ever happened, sticking to small talk or silence. I say were – because I don’t know, he got a bit flirty last couple of days, I told him he is a tease, but later admitted that I enjoy the flirting. What can I say, the whole forbidden fruit thing… its exciting.

 

And I had said before, if he opened the door – I thought I would “go there” again, despite – SO MUCH at risk etc. And that I hadn’t really felt guilty about.

 

I think I am finally turning a corner there. Getting my head out of the “excitement” and facing realities.

 

Yesterday D came home shaken up – he had just rescued a lady from an over turned car on the freeway (!!!) and mentioned how he felt like crying – said that he thought it was from coming down from such a crazy adrenaline high. I know, sounds unrelated – but at that moment I though how I didn’t ever want to make him cry, or be sad and upset. I have NEVER made him cry – and I really don’t to hurt him. So why would I do something that could? So yeah, there is the guilt.

 

And then this morning…. So, S, he is from Iran (as is his wife), and yesterday we were talking about how the Humans of New York photographer was doing Iran right now. What do I see posted by HONY this morning? A quote from a Persian woman regarding her cheating husband….. and it made me feel like S****. I am sure he saw it today as well. I know S has said that “she doesn’t deserve this” (about his wife) – and I am sure she doesn’t. I am not one for “fate” or “signs”… but really?! Thursday I talk to him about the HONY page, and Iran, and we flirt some, and then the next morning THIS?!

 

https://www.facebook.com/humansofnewyork/photos/a.102107073196735.4429.102099916530784/1059729447434488/?type=1&theater

 

So, yeah. I think I am finally at a place where I can say I can resist the temptation. I still do not wish to turn back the clock, as I like the changes that are being made in my relationship, and I don’t know how else I would have gotten the kick in the pants I needed to make those changes. Things as they were – weren’t great. We didn’t fight or anything, but it had gotten so lukewarm – and I just can’t be satisfied in life with mundane, routine, and lukewarm.

 

And while I still think if it wasn’t me, it would have been someone else – I don’t want to make a mess of S’s life, so I won’t selfishly encourage anything there.

[jen1447]

Wow RC, that update was pretty revelatory.

 

Random points -

 

- I kinda (still) think an eventual re-hookup with S is inevitable.

- (Don't take this wrong, I love ya ) but I think you're equivocating on shutting it down. You seem a little shook up by the coincidences etc. but all that's inspired you to do is not force the issue. Door's still wide open.

- I live in this world so I know what I'm talking about - I really think you may be poly. You seem to have a distinct need for more than one person without either of them being maligned or disregarded in your mind. That's a struggle poly ppl often have, bc the assumption is by expanding the pool that they're automatically taking advantage and disregarding at least one, when in reality it doesn't sound like you are in terms of your moral outlook. In your mind you're not 'getting' or really even passively devaluing D, and you're not exploiting S.