A "Successful" Affair?

[SoulStorm]

OK, that's a big part of the answer to your original question then.

 

The success of your affair was purchased at at price, paid by certain people in the set of 4 involved. I just wanted the full allocation of benefits and burdens acknowledged.

 

Once that is clarified your question is easily answered: assuming one is willing to seek gains by acting amorally, and it does not unduly trouble you to be that kind of agent or moral actor in the world, a successful affair on your terms of reference is, I suppose, quite possible.

 

I would agree to this. It would be successful on "her" terms, yet collaterally damage others connected to the affair. So if she is willing to dismiss other's hurt in conjunction to her success..yes ..quite possible for a time

[Mr. Lucky]

And as for my partner - hum... "Contempt" yikes - but I see how it could come across like that on here - again, you aren't getting the whole story, just my one sided justifications.

I do feel that (at least before this) I have contributed more than my fair share to the relationship, and at times resented the fact that I have had to "carry" us (both emotionally and economically) - hence the contempt coming through.

 

I think the contradiction in just these two excerpts from a single paragraph express your ambivalence towards your partner. Most people in long-term relationships have made their peace with what their partner brings - or doesn't - to the table.

 

Do you feel it's possible for one person to meet your emotional and sexual needs?

 

Mr. Lucky

[jen1447]

As for the OM's spouse - you are right, I have not lent my empathy to her, and that's pretty ****ty, but is what it is - I am certainly not going to say I am perfect, or always take the high ground. I am a bit sexually and emotionally deviant I suppose.

 

I admire that you can acknowledge that. I'm much the same and don't really feel 'guilty' about it.

[Thegameoflife]

I fully understand you OP. I'd say I'm practically your male equivalent in life. I'm attractive, good career, bread winner, and a deviant. I have never cheated on my wife since we've been married, but I still contacted (not physical ) a previous partner for a while when we first started dating.

 

I honestly don't buy into morality. In your situation, cheating was the right thing for you. You felt you needed to do it, so you did. In society's eyes, it was the wrong thing for varios reasons. However, society is also composed of jealous and insecure people, so they formed the morality that suits the majority. You decided to create your own morality which conflicts with the majority. Who's right or wrong? Everyone, cause morality is stupid. The creation of morality is mankinds attempt at controlling our behavior. The idea is to create an internal shame mechanism, by linking a negative emotion to an action or behavior. It's actually a pretty horrible thing to teach someone to do, and these mechanisms are linked to most suicides. Totally messed up, and people tote this barbaric form of self loathing as something they call good. People think this serves the society, but it actually creates self hatred which manifests into outward hatred towards others. The number of posts condemning the op's actions displays this perfectly.

 

For me, I have no morals. I act in the interest of myself and those I care about. I choose what I decide is the best choice to make, and don't get caught up in the right and wrong of it all. Most of the time this makes me look like a moralist, and sometimes it makes me look dispicable. Just depends on the morals others have. What I really have is freedom.

 

I feel you made your decision likewise. I can respect that, and I know you are also aware of consequences. I honestly hope your affair served you well, and it doesn't become a choice that doesn't. In my opinion, I think you just give up part of who you are in your relationship, and eventually you had to feed the desire. You probably did the reasoning in your head that you would likely pull it off, and any recourse from you SO would be deflected by his own past guilts. Pretty low risk endeavor, so you went for it.

 

Personally, I don't cheat because it wouldn't serve my life well. Not worth the outcome.

 

I do challenge the morals of society though. I believe 99% of people would say cheating is wrong, and wouldn't want to be cheated on. However, I never seem to find a short supply of women willing to be my OW. I always wear my ring, and bring up my wife in conversation a lot. Despite that, very few women care it seems. That logic only adds up in the context that their morals differ on the same thing when jealousy and insecurities are quelled through being the other woman. The oppsite emotions of being cheated on make it OK. Right?

[qubist]

RecentChange, I look at it from a different perspective, I have been reading a lot of infidelity stories I can understand what you did ( not approve it though). You simply had a crush on this guy a big crush and you let it escalate, I have read many stories of married women having a crush on another man they are all similar in may ways. I thing all the other factors you mentioned, his infidelity, your sex drive the fact that you are the breadwinner, all this contributed to making the crush escalate to an affair. but I don't thing they ere the main reasons. there are other factors that you might not be aware of and i suggest you should look for them if you want to continue with your relationship. you stopped the affair be cause he felt guilty and wanted it over otherwise you would be still in it which tell me that you haven't solved your problem yet and I'm afraid you will fall for it again whether with the same guy or somebody else. in my opinion if you want to continue with current partner and really want your relationship to be successful you should consider counseling, I'm speaking based on my own experience, it will help you see your self clearer and learn from your mistake

[nightmare01]

I fully understand you OP. I'd say I'm practically your male equivalent in life. I'm attractive, good career, bread winner, and a deviant. I have never cheated on my wife since we've been married, but I still contacted (not physical ) a previous partner for a while when we first started dating.

 

I honestly don't buy into morality. In your situation, cheating was the right thing for you. You felt you needed to do it, so you did. In society's eyes, it was the wrong thing for varios reasons. However, society is also composed of jealous and insecure people, so they formed the morality that suits the majority. You decided to create your own morality which conflicts with the majority. Who's right or wrong? Everyone, cause morality is stupid. The creation of morality is mankinds attempt at controlling our behavior. The idea is to create an internal shame mechanism, by linking a negative emotion to an action or behavior. It's actually a pretty horrible thing to teach someone to do, and these mechanisms are linked to most suicides. Totally messed up, and people tote this barbaric form of self loathing as something they call good. People think this serves the society, but it actually creates self hatred which manifests into outward hatred towards others. The number of posts condemning the op's actions displays this perfectly.

 

For me, I have no morals. I act in the interest of myself and those I care about. I choose what I decide is the best choice to make, and don't get caught up in the right and wrong of it all. Most of the time this makes me look like a moralist, and sometimes it makes me look dispicable. Just depends on the morals others have. What I really have is freedom.

 

I feel you made your decision likewise. I can respect that, and I know you are also aware of consequences. I honestly hope your affair served you well, and it doesn't become a choice that doesn't. In my opinion, I think you just give up part of who you are in your relationship, and eventually you had to feed the desire. You probably did the reasoning in your head that you would likely pull it off, and any recourse from you SO would be deflected by his own past guilts. Pretty low risk endeavor, so you went for it.

 

Personally, I don't cheat because it wouldn't serve my life well. Not worth the outcome.

 

I do challenge the morals of society though. I believe 99% of people would say cheating is wrong, and wouldn't want to be cheated on. However, I never seem to find a short supply of women willing to be my OW. I always wear my ring, and bring up my wife in conversation a lot. Despite that, very few women care it seems. That logic only adds up in the context that their morals differ on the same thing when jealousy and insecurities are quelled through being the other woman. The oppsite emotions of being cheated on make it OK. Right?

 

wow.. words fail me.

 

Self centered... narcissistic... sociopathic...

 

So if I were to follow your credo.. if I like you car, I just just take it from you. If I like your house, I should just kick you out and move in. If I want your wife, I should just take her.

 

You do what you want and to hell with anyone else. Me first, always. The ones you say you care for are a distant second to you.. if hurting them served you, then you would do it in a minute. Whatever suits or serves you is all fair game, no matter the collateral damage to anyone else.

 

Seriously - people with this "morality" should never get into any serious relationship with anyone (except maybe someone just like you). Some people need warning labels I guess.

 

Jen - RecentChange - TheGameofLife - if you all believe this, then save the rest of the world some heart ache - don't get married or get into a serious relationship. If you are this way, then fine - just let others know what they are getting into if we get to know you. Warn us. Once warned, then if you break our hearts the fault is on us for not listening.

[happyman64]

recent change

 

 

Can I make 2 suggestions?

 

 

A. Speak to your partner about how you feel he is not sharing the load in the relationship. Be honest about the $, household chores and the need for some "deviant" sex. Heck, if you feel it will be productive then discuss his affair. Get your feelings on the table so you don't use your animosity as an excuse to cheat on him.

 

 

B. Take a different train.

 

 

2 wrongs never make it right. And a woman who is obviously bright, sexy and an earner does not need infidelity in her life to find what she is missing in her life.

 

 

Now go have that conversation.

 

 

HM

[Thegameoflife]

wow.. words fail me.

 

Self centered... narcissistic... sociopathic...

 

So if I were to follow your credo.. if I like you car, I just just take it from you. If I like your house, I should just kick you out and move in. If I want your wife, I should just take her.

 

You do what you want and to hell with anyone else. Me first, always. The ones you say you care for are a distant second to you.. if hurting them served you, then you would do it in a minute. Whatever suits or serves you is all fair game, no matter the collateral damage to anyone else.

 

Seriously - people with this "morality" should never get into any serious relationship with anyone (except maybe someone just like you). Some people need warning labels I guess.

 

Jen - RecentChange - TheGameofLife - if you all believe this, then save the rest of the world some heart ache - don't get married or get into a serious relationship. If you are this way, then fine - just let others know what they are getting into if we get to know you. Warn us. Once warned, then if you break our hearts the fault is on us for not listening.

 

Lol. No, I am not a self-centred, narcissistic, sociopath. People created morality to control people like you, because you obviously can't understand why people would act with compassion and reason without it. I actually treat others very well, but not cause it's the right thing, but because i want to. I don't steal, cheat, or treat others poorly because I simply have no desire to do so.

 

See, I want the world to be a better place, and people to treat each other well. I want these things, even though I have no morals instilled, and don't believe in any afterlife judgment. Bizarre right? Positive thinking not motivated by a moral mechanism or fear of a god.

 

Your defense is BS anyways. Moral people on this site have acted selfishly, hurt others, and feel terrible about themselves.

Edited July 19, 2015 by Thegameoflife

[66Charger]

Morals are not words created by the majority. Morals are individual feelings. Morals are about what you feel deeply, what is right and what is wrong. They are mostly driven by what you would not want to happen to you.

 

Deviant and Amoral "characteristics" tend to change when the dirt happens to you.

 

Hopefully, your wifes morals are equivelant to yours, so she can justify enjoying another man emotionally or physically, in secret (like you) and you wont have a problem with it, right?

[Oberfeldwebel]

I don’t think you have gotten away with anything, you just haven’t been caught yet. It is apparent from what you have written that you feel justified in cheating on your boyfriend. Oddly enough the relationship wasn’t even about the sex, but about your ego. You were able to seduce a younger man, got over on your cheating boyfriend and he is none the wiser, which not only proves that you are hotter, but smarter than him as well. Unfortunately it won’t end here, since there is no remorse. Someday there will be another that looks and smells good or former boy-toy will look for an encore performance. Even if you never get caught this says a lot about the shortcomings in your relationship. Your BF is a second class citizen of the relationship as he only knows part of the story. This is a house built on sand, but hey, at least you got even.

[nightmare01]

The root of morality is empathy for others. We choose not to hurt others because we can at least sense how it would feel to be hurt by someone else.

 

Those who do not have empathy are often referred to as sociopaths, or narcissists.

[Thegameoflife]

Morals are not words created by the majority. Morals are individual feelings. Morals are about what you feel deeply, what is right and what is wrong. They are mostly driven by what you would not want to happen to you.

 

Deviant and Amoral "characteristics" tend to change when the dirt happens to you.

 

Hopefully, your wifes morals are equivelant to yours, so she can justify enjoying another man emotionally or physically, in secret (like you) and you wont have a problem with it, right?

 

So morals are based on selfish desire?

 

My wife wouldn't see some guy in secret. We are open about everything with each other, so she would just tell me she was interested in something extra. In fact, she's trying to find a GF. The one thing she loves about me is that I don't shame her, and she is free to be who she is. I don't own her.

[regret143]

Full Definition of MORAL

 

1

a : of or relating to principles of right and wrong in behavior : ethical <moral judgments>

b : expressing or teaching a conception of right behavior <a moral poem>

c : conforming to a standard of right behavior

d : sanctioned by or operative on one's conscience or ethical judgment <a moral obligation>

e : capable of right and wrong action <a moral agent>

2

: probable though not proved : virtual <a moral certainty>

3

: perceptual or psychological rather than tangible or practical in nature or effect <a moral victory> <moral support>

[regret143]

I am chiming in because I have been bashed SO HARD on this site, for having different "moral" standards.

People just cannot accept what is different! Right here on the land of freedom, don't you dare be yourself!!

[Thegameoflife]

The root of morality is empathy for others. We choose not to hurt others because we can at least sense how it would feel to be hurt by someone else.

 

Those who do not have empathy are often referred to as sociopaths, or narcissists.

 

Some people consider homosexuality immoral. This morality is driven by prejudice, and lacks empathy. Even infidelity is based from selfish desires and jealousy. You're essentially demanding someone to strip themselves of sexual freedom to quell your own insecurities. Not only that, but you subject your partner to a situation where your love is held hostage unless they meet your demands. If they don't deliver on their promises, the love dies. That's not empathy.

 

Out of empathy, I would not hold my wife to a condition she might not be able to live up to. It's really messed up to tell someone they can only have your love if they do this, this, and this. It's definitely the norm that people do this.

[66Charger]

So morals are based on selfish desire?

 

My wife wouldn't see some guy in secret. We are open about everything with each other, so she would just tell me she was interested in something extra. In fact, she's trying to find a GF. The one thing she loves about me is that I don't shame her, and she is free to be who she is. I don't own her.

 

Well I guess her morals ARE equivalent to yours. You may call "not wanting someone to cheat on you" a selfish desire, but I call it a desire to not feel intense pain.

Regardless, good luck with your open marriage.

[Thegameoflife]

I am chiming in because I have been bashed SO HARD on this site, for having different "moral" standards.

People just cannot accept what is different! Right here on the land of freedom, don't you dare be yourself!!

 

People don't like their beliefs questioned.

[RightThere]

I am chiming in because I have been bashed SO HARD on this site, for having different "moral" standards.

People just cannot accept what is different! Right here on the land of freedom, don't you dare be yourself!!

 

Having a different moral standard is totally acceptable.

 

Just don't ask for empathy and support from people with opposing views. I certainly don't look for it from someone who has different moral beliefs than I do.

[nerdlingZA]

op is clearly not inlove anymore. she just doesn't want to die alone which is why shes keeping up with her husband (unloved). u will mostly do it(sex) again with another guy. your marriage is already over from my point of view.

[Clay]

I am chiming in because I have been bashed SO HARD on this site, for having different "moral" standards.

People just cannot accept what is different! Right here on the land of freedom, don't you dare be yourself!!

 

You can be any kind of person you want to be. If you can live with the things you have done then why not right. The OM/OW section is filled with people that share those same beliefs.

 

I think your right its not right of fair if someone tries to impose there morals and beliefs on you.

 

Have you considered in posting in that section so you will be better supported in your beliefs ?

 

 

Clay

[Mrin]

OP: Admittedly I haven't read this whole thread and I'm not going to comment on the morality of the affair. But one thing I just want to mention (if it hasn't been mentioned already) is whether you've ever considered an alternative lifestyle. Swinging. Swapping etc... I've never dabbled in the lifestyle but I bring it up because let's face it - it is going to happen again.

 

Does the lifestyle appeal to you and if so, do you think it would appeal to your H?

 

Just looking for a way forward from where you find yourself.

[jen1447]

OP's not married.

[Mrin]

OP's not married.

 

So just a long term partner? Can you have an affair if not married? Isn't that just called run of the mill cheating? Is this some sort of buddhist koan?

[jen1447]

So just a long term partner? Can you have an affair if not married? Isn't that just called run of the mill cheating? Is this some sort of buddhist koan?

 

She does have a longterm partner, but the guy she cheated with was married.

[nightmare01]

I am chiming in because I have been bashed SO HARD on this site, for having different "moral" standards.

People just cannot accept what is different! Right here on the land of freedom, don't you dare be yourself!!

 

Fine. Wonderful. Terrific.

 

BUT - JUST BE HONEST ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING (and with whom). Don't cheat people out of years of their lives by keeping them in the dark about the reality of their situation.

 

I told my WW - you want to be with OM? Great. Fine. Wonderful. Terrific. There's the door.. have a nice life. We'll split everything 50-50. Go. Have a nice life. Goodbye.

 

JUST STOP LYING! Do as you damned well please, but don't fool me into thinking you're something you're not. Do as you please, but be honest about it and allow me to make my own choices.