goodyblue Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I'm totally a no revenge type of person. I'm a barrister in a different country as well as admitted to the bar elsewhere just not in this state so I'm not sure what applicable state laws are germaine to this proceeding. However, I've not contacted him or anyone in his family nor the place of employment, I actually resigned 1 July and am working out my 3 months notice period (common in my home country) he must be crapping himself that I will turn him in to ethics or tell his wife actual true facts about the A which I've not felt it was my place to do. The fact ExMM has done this to try to scare me is outrageous and say he didn't ask for the money or that it was a loan makes me want to knee him in the crotch. In my country I'm allowed to speak about my life and name names as long as it is TRUE and I was participant. I can relate facts and my feelings, as well as what was said, but not surmise anyone els's feelings as that's conjecture. What a douche! I would write a dampened book... just to miss him off. Change his name by 1 letter. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 what a douchebag! i'm sorry you're going through it, sending you hugs! I would write a dampened book... just to miss him off. Change his name by 1 letter. lmao, this is totally what i would doo. TEAM PETTY 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 I would write a dampened book... just to miss him off. Change his name by 1 letter. Goody write a book? For whom? I'm now more inclined to turn him into ethics. This is a frivolous waste of the courts time. If he wants to play games' I'll press to litigate. Much of the money discussion including him giving me his bank details are in a super long chat app. The chat runs 14 months long with no breaks so the whole thing is admissible as evidence. He writes a lot of horrible stuff about BS and other members of her family as well as sexually explicit thoughts about me. If he wants that in open court, he's insane. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I'm now more inclined to turn him into ethics. you should. he came for you, you have every right to defend yourself. money doesn't grow on f&cking trees, don't spend where you don't have to. i'm baffled at him though! this is a CRAZY move. i wonder what did he tell his W. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 No one is more baffled than me, an exOW maintains NC and not even bothered about the loan, just wanting to walk away. If I had to hazard a guess, BS must not fully believe whatever he said, and may be itching to speak to me and he's trying to run me off. I'm a widowed exOW barrister whose deceased spouse made a tremendous living, I make an exceptional living, and my father's estate went entirely to me and I have no children. He has several and a wife who works pt as a teaching aide. I think he may have lost the plot because I can hire a firm, get a team an besiege his small town lawyer with 3 calls and 3 letters a day and simply out spend him. How dare he? More to the point this is behaviour unbecoming and could also have implications on his church thing. It was he who exposed (what he exposed who know) 2 weeks ago and now he wants to send the flag up the pole to tell me to stay away? Looks like ExMM didn't tell the real truth. This is a blocker. He needs to know the mere thought of him repulses me now! Link to post Share on other sites
Tullyseptember Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) Why not have your own email sent from a lawyer stating you are in nc with explicit instructions that this man is not wanted in YOUR life and you are maintaining nc for your well being. Leave it at that and heal. If the money is an issue than yes it's going to get nasty. Edited July 17, 2015 by Tullyseptember . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Why not have your own email sent from a lawyer stating you are in nc with explicit instructions that this man is not wanted in YOUR life and you are maintaining nc for your well being. Leave it at that and heal. If the money is an issue than yes it's going to get nasty. I can do those things but lawyers may or may not understand NC. I have to wait a bit as its too early to get some one due to the time change. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 This man is mad, knowing that you have all that evidence. He's scared that you will reveal everything to his wife , including the horrible things he said about her. I thought he wanted to divorce, so why back peddling now? Maybe they'll still get divorced , but he's trying to protect himself. I'll be honest, I would be totally ticked off in your position and very very tempted to send his wife everything, but I don't know the legal ramifications of that following the letter you received. I really wonder when MM say all these things about their wife to the OW whether they actually believe it to be true or whether they say it to gain sympathy on 'how bad things are at home '. I guess if you did reveal all , it would be viewed as revenge and if you said it was so that his wife knows everything people will say if you were that concerned you would have ended it when he said he was seperated. Was he really seperated? Also, even though your family know, it's possible to still cause damage to your reputation if he or she set there minds to it. My H says it's like going down a slippery slope. What an annoying situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 This man is mad, knowing that you have all that evidence. He's scared that you will reveal everything to his wife , including the horrible things he said about her. I thought he wanted to divorce, so why back peddling now? Maybe they'll still get divorced , but he's trying to protect himself. I'll be honest, I would be totally ticked off in your position and very very tempted to send his wife everything, but I don't know the legal ramifications of that following the letter you received. I really wonder when MM say all these things about their wife to the OW whether they actually believe it to be true or whether they say it to gain sympathy on 'how bad things are at home '. I guess if you did reveal all , it would be viewed as revenge and if you said it was so that his wife knows everything people will say if you were that concerned you would have ended it when he said he was seperated. Was he really seperated? Also, even though your family know, it's possible to still cause damage to your reputation if he or she set there minds to it. My H says it's like going down a slippery slope. What an annoying situation. That's the baffling part, even on the morning of DDay after he'd instructed the lawyer, he was still writing me telling me he loved me and he was going be with me. At this point I actually have ceased caring. Thanks for your message. At this point, I have no choice I have to instruct a lawyer in exMM state. I live in another country. No he really was NOT separated. I don't want to reveal all. I don't care what they do. However, if it is LAWFUL and I want to talk about my A to anyone with a true, unembellished factual account, that is my prerogative. Unless exMM wants me to sign an NDA in a compromise agreement, with a large settlement paid to me, his lawyer will deal with whomever I retain to act on my behalf. If my lawyer advises me that I need to report him for ethics violations I will do so. Even though I am beyond pissed off, him being a complete tosser is no reason to blow up at BS. Karma is going to sort him out and he may just lose his job over it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 NewLeaf, do you actually need to do anything about this at all? Seems to me you weren't planning on doing anything listed in the letter anyway; besides discuss the A which you've already established is legal where you are anyway. And you don't need tne 15k. So why bother embroiling yourself in this further and prolonging an association with someone you want nothing to do with? :/ I know you know game theory. I know you know aggressive defection and costly punishment are closing gambits of the desparate and angry. Don't be 'that guy'. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 NewLeaf, do you actually need to do anything about this at all? Seems to me you weren't planning on doing anything listed in the letter anyway; besides discuss the A which you've already established is legal where you are anyway. And you don't need tne 15k. So why bother embroiling yourself in this further and prolonging an association with someone you want nothing to do with? :/ I know you know game theory. I know you know aggressive defection and costly punishment are closing gambits of the desparate and angry. Don't be 'that guy'. Im not sure if I need to do anything but here is why I will take advice. I resigned from my firm giving up a salary near on £1M (a consequence I brought on myself by being OW) I'm in an occupation where reputation really counts. I don't even care about the $15,000. He has told his lawyer a lie, that he never borrowed it. I need to own the label OW, it's a just consequence of my actions. What I don't need pinned on me is nutty stalker who runs around lying to get sums of money from people. (Which by one of many charges could be theft by deception, extortion etc) those are all felony or criminal charges. There is no way I'll even let anyone allege such or allude to it. This was an open correspondence and people talk. My ability to secure employment is paramount and that ability to find a new role must be protected. Instructing someone to sit and wait is in my best interest and I would advise a client of mine to do the same. Protecting myself doesn't make me "that guy" Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Im not sure if I need to do anything but here is why I will take advice. I resigned from my firm giving up a salary near on £1M (a consequence I brought on myself by being OW) I'm in an occupation where reputation really counts. I don't even care about the $15,000. He has told his lawyer a lie, that he never borrowed it. I need to own the label OW, it's a just consequence of my actions. What I don't need pinned on me is nutty stalker who runs around lying to get sums of money from people. (Which by one of many charges could be theft by deception, extortion etc) those are all felony or criminal charges. There is no way I'll even let anyone allege such or allude to it. This was an open correspondence and people talk. My ability to secure employment is paramount and that ability to find a new role must be protected. Instructing someone to sit and wait is in my best interest and I would advise a client of mine to do the same. Protecting myself doesn't make me "that guy" Ah. Now I see. Such a shame that he's brought this merge. And for no apparent rational reason. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Im not sure if I need to do anything but here is why I will take advice. I resigned from my firm giving up a salary near on £1M (a consequence I brought on myself by being OW) I'm in an occupation where reputation really counts. I don't even care about the $15,000. He has told his lawyer a lie, that he never borrowed it. I need to own the label OW, it's a just consequence of my actions. What I don't need pinned on me is nutty stalker who runs around lying to get sums of money from people. (Which by one of many charges could be theft by deception, extortion etc) those are all felony or criminal charges. There is no way I'll even let anyone allege such or allude to it. This was an open correspondence and people talk. My ability to secure employment is paramount and that ability to find a new role must be protected. Instructing someone to sit and wait is in my best interest and I would advise a client of mine to do the same. Protecting myself doesn't make me "that guy" And what does he need to own as a MM? Sorry, once he threw down the gauntlet with this ridiculous move, that to me says it is now all business and not personal. If you loaned him the money he needs to own that and repay. If he wants to hide things by silencing you, well then put on the big boy panties and own your words and actions. Think of it as you gifting him the opportunity of consequences. You truly are a giver. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
blue963 Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Do what you have to do to get your money back. He doesnt want this to come out. You have a better chance to get this now rather than wait. Yes more money spent but if you get a lawyer there is a good chance you may get most of it back. Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 I don't see why you need to do anything about this. So his lawyer sent you a letter telling you to stay away from his client, his client's family, and his workplace. So what? You are doing that anyway. I didn't see anything in your post indicating that MM intends to sue you for anything. As for the $15,000, it's just not worth the aggravation - or the stain on your reputation if you take it to court, where all the details will certainly come out that you loaned your married boyfriend money for his divorce retainer. Do you really want THAT attached to your professional reputation? I would just move on, stick with NC unless MM actually sues you (for what, I can't imagine). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Hi NewLeaf. Did you sign legal documents for the loan and I mean between attorneys? I really hope you have, because if there is no legal document and I mean legal, you will be screwed. It is not like people's court (fake shows for entertainment) here in the states, where a given word or a paper signed by you is okay and decided by a judge, even notarized will not go over in court. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Hi NewLeaf. Did you sign legal documents for the loan and I mean between attorneys? I really hope you have, because if there is no legal document and I mean legal, you will be screwed. It is not like people's court (fake shows for entertainment) here in the states, where a given word or a paper signed by you is okay and decided by a judge, even notarized will not go over in court. We are both solicitors and yes I did 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 I don't see why you need to do anything about this. So his lawyer sent you a letter telling you to stay away from his client, his client's family, and his workplace. So what? You are doing that anyway. I didn't see anything in your post indicating that MM intends to sue you for anything. As for the $15,000, it's just not worth the aggravation - or the stain on your reputation if you take it to court, where all the details will certainly come out that you loaned your married boyfriend money for his divorce retainer. Do you really want THAT attached to your professional reputation? I would just move on, stick with NC unless MM actually sues you (for what, I can't imagine). Rain: I don't intend to "do" anything but retain representation who knows my history in case MM "does" something. That is a smart legal move. He wont go in open court where every document mentioning the loan would be entered into evidence. They contain a lot of other information he would not want revealed. My aim here is a passive stance, with a lawyer in place "In case" The reason I am concerned is that this seems to be a frivolous move and I am unable to identify the rationale on his side for this action Link to post Share on other sites
AnotherSadSong Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 We are both solicitors and yes I did Good! They are not going to bring in your love life and drama over legal documents and loans. Gifting and other practices could, but business deals, no. Please get your money back. He is not only a cheater but a swindler! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RainDown Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Rain: I don't intend to "do" anything but retain representation who knows my history in case MM "does" something. That is a smart legal move. He wont go in open court where every document mentioning the loan would be entered into evidence. They contain a lot of other information he would not want revealed. My aim here is a passive stance, with a lawyer in place "In case" The reason I am concerned is that this seems to be a frivolous move and I am unable to identify the rationale on his side for this action Gotcha. As far as rationale? (1) It's a final "f*ck you" and allows him the illusion of thinking HE dumped YOU. Nothing more than soothing his own ego, or (2) he's proving to his wife you are the psycho stalker he told her you are in order to save his own *ss. Likely a bit of both. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Susmay Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Rain: I don't intend to "do" anything but retain representation who knows my history in case MM "does" something. That is a smart legal move. He wont go in open court where every document mentioning the loan would be entered into evidence. They contain a lot of other information he would not want revealed. My aim here is a passive stance, with a lawyer in place "In case" The reason I am concerned is that this seems to be a frivolous move and I am unable to identify the rationale on his side for this action Why not wait until you actually need the lawyer to retain? No harm in checking out which lawyer you want, but probably no need to engage the lawyer unless you particularly want to pay out money just for the retainer. As you mention pounds as the currency (sorry I can't do the pounds sign) I assume you might be in the UK and he perhaps USA or Canada, so different countries. There's not much he can do to you anyway except perhaps implicate you in whatever abuses may have occurred with respect to using company resources. If he wants this sort of exposure then it may mean self exposure too. Of course if he's claiming to his BW that he's done nothing wrong against his employer then this might be a ruse to demonstrate his "innocence" to her. He probably has no intention of following up with anything against you. Too risky for him. If his BW exposes you to your employer, then this could backfire on him. If you want your money back then you could probably get it, without going to court or even engaging a lawyer, if you agree not to expose him. If you don't want it back because you have plenty, then I'd just ignore and leave the ball in his court. As I've already said neither of you have any control (he may only think he does) over what the BW does and this might be the wildcard. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tullyseptember Posted July 17, 2015 Share Posted July 17, 2015 Can you ignore the email to remain in no contact or better yet have your representation do a simple email received reply? From my point of view it makes no sense as to why this man would risk exposure unless he is setting the scene for you to come across as an woman who took a friendship to be more than it was. Like you mentioned a stalker who couldn't take no. Really think long and hard on how you react and respond to this. Easy for me to say but try to take the emotional response out of this, hard I know but if you focus on your own healing you can move away from this mess:) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 Why not wait until you actually need the lawyer to retain? No harm in checking out which lawyer you want, but probably no need to engage the lawyer unless you particularly want to pay out money just for the retainer. Not bothered about the retainer. As you mention pounds as the currency (sorry I can't do the pounds sign) I assume you might be in the UK and he perhaps USA or Canada, so different countries. There's not much he can do to you anyway except perhaps implicate you in whatever abuses may have occurred with respect to using company resources. If he wants this sort of exposure then it may mean self exposure too. I am in the UK and he is elsewhere. He can't implicate me, I never misused company property . exMM however sent nude photos using company paid property and service (some taken in the marital bedroom). I also tendered my resignation on the morning of 2 July so I am in handover/gardening leave. Of course if he's claiming to his BW that he's done nothing wrong against his employer then this might be a ruse to demonstrate his "innocence" to her. He probably has no intention of following up with anything against you. Too risky for him. If his BW exposes you to your employer, then this could backfire on him. I also tendered my resignation on the morning of 2 July so I am in handover/gardening leave. It would certainly backfire on him for a reason I cant mention here because it is unique to this situation. If you want your money back then you could probably get it, without going to court or even engaging a lawyer, if you agree not to expose him. If you don't want it back because you have plenty, then I'd just ignore and leave the ball in his court. Don't really mind about the money. Just holding a lawyer on retainer. I suspect that his BS wants to speak to me and he is trying to prevent that from happening because he's lied (as usual). His other issue is that I was completely open with friends and family in this country because 1. he said he was separated initially and 2. he was "in the stages of filing" So people that he will run into know. perhaps damage control. I am also thinking he is trying to do the last F you. I do not yet know the laws in his state, and as you know I am against revenge and he already exposed, but I want to know what my rights are on what I am free to speak about there. As I've already said neither of you have any control (he may only think he does) over what the BW does and this might be the wildcard. Not sure about BS. Someone who doesn't know mentioned in passing that BS was starting the unveiled wife class or something at their church. ex MM client base comes mostly from the wealthy Born Again Christian community in their area so they are active. Not sure if this is the reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) Can you ignore the email to remain in no contact or better yet have your representation do a simple email received reply? From my point of view it makes no sense as to why this man would risk exposure unless he is setting the scene for you to come across as an woman who took a friendship to be more than it was. Like you mentioned a stalker who couldn't take no. Really think long and hard on how you react and respond to this. Easy for me to say but try to take the emotional response out of this, hard I know but if you focus on your own healing you can move away from this mess:) Thanks for your post. Yes I wont contact them I will let my lawyer do it. I have no intention of breaking NC. If he moves to litigate, (remember he had to delete everything every day because BS took his mobile after he got home from the office to have uninterrupted "family time", I saved everything he ever sent me. There is no way he could bring a case for stalking, there are days when I was too busy to be in touch and he sent me 60-90 messages in a 9 hour period and 7 missed calls. He was very much the pursuing obsessed party. I compiled all the data exMM sent me in case I needed to mount a defence and there is over 24G of emails texts imessages etc. Edited July 17, 2015 by NewLeaf512 changed the word email to post Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 17, 2015 Author Share Posted July 17, 2015 (edited) Gotcha. As far as rationale? (1) It's a final "f*ck you" and allows him the illusion of thinking HE dumped YOU. Nothing more than soothing his own ego, or (2) he's proving to his wife you are the psycho stalker he told her you are in order to save his own *ss. Likely a bit of both. This resonates with me. Given the amount of data I have to support the opposite (his obsession), it's a very foolish move on his part. Edited July 17, 2015 by NewLeaf512 hit post too soon 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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