Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Because most couples do stay together after infidelity. I have read that but I was wondering the why behind it. His reason for staying is partly because of self image (respectable family man and church deacon) and he is co-dependant and he must like that. Thanks for your response Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I have read that but I was wondering the why behind it. His reason for staying is partly because of self image (respectable family man and church deacon) and he is co-dependant and he must like that. Thanks for your response There are all sorts of reasons. The ones you gave and others, like, they've a history with their W, built a life together, kids, sometimes love, they care about her, obligation, finances, and a big one- they are used to the comfort of their current life. A lot of times an A is just a form of temporary escapism for them, like a enjoyable fantasy they can call up when they want to. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 There are all sorts of reasons. The ones you gave and others, like, they've a history with their W, built a life together, kids, sometimes love, they care about her, obligation, finances, and a big one- they are used to the comfort of their current life. A lot of times an A is just a form of temporary escapism for them, like a enjoyable fantasy they can call up when they want to. Funny, my ex wants to puke when he thinks about his affair. Sometimes it wakes the one that was cheating up. It makes them reexamine who they've become and who they would like to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 I think that is why the AP might stay. I am wondering why a wife would take him back. A long time ago on a planet far far away I was married for quite a long time, so I was a wife once. Way back then, I pondered what I would do if my Husband cheated on me. I concluded (obviously every person is different) that if it was a 1 night stand with a stranger I'd be pretty angry but find it not worth chucking the marriage for. A 2.5 year super affair that included vacations, some shared financial investments blah blah blah, there is no way I could stay with him. Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I think that is why the AP might stay. I am wondering why a wife would take him back. A long time ago on a planet far far away I was married for quite a long time, so I was a wife once. Way back then, I pondered what I would do if my Husband cheated on me. I concluded (obviously every person is different) that if it was a 1 night stand with a stranger I'd be pretty angry but find it not worth chucking the marriage for. A 2.5 year super affair that included vacations, some shared financial investments blah blah blah, there is no way I could stay with him. You have no idea the changes he may be making to earn his way back into the marriage. His wife probably wonders why an ow would involve herself with someone else's husband for so long. That does not make sense to her. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 Purple sorrow, you raise a good point. Why would I the OW stay with her husband for so long? I bet she doesn't understand, I don't understand why I did it myself! I think there is the religious aspect in this case. Both their lives were pretty horrific prior to D Day. I am sure you have heard of "attachment parenting". She implemented "attachment marriage" 10 years ago, whereby they had to be in physical touch with each other constantly, she took his cell every night when he got home and handed it back to him prior to work every morning so nothing would interrupt "family time" When their kids were young she was an excellent mother (what I observed) so credit where it is due, that is a beautiful accomplishment. As they both get through a terrible time which I helped create, besides being so regretful and sorrowful, if they can find a way to work it out and be happy and they both want it I will be glad for them. As he has cheated before, I hope her love and their faith can keep him on the road to being the husband she deserves. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 One other thought, my friends all say he will be back (as he always has done before) I don't think so this time, but more importantly I don't care. (Finally!!) I will never disrespect myself or hurt another woman again. Ever. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
nikki76 Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 I'm sorry you are going through this. The one thing I've learned from ending my affair, is you need to block him completely. He may be "working" on his marriage, but I can bet, in a few weeks, he's going to get antsy and weasel his way back to see what crumbs you may have left behind. Make it impossible for him to contact you. I made it almost impossible for my xAP to contact me. Other then him coming to my house, and I know he won't do that. It makes it so much easier to deal with..no more wondering if/when he's going to contact you. When he does try to come back and you accept his crumbs, the pain you will feel will when he becomes distant again will double what you are feeling now. It sucks, it's hard, but you need to do what's right for you. Move on and don't ever look back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
purplesorrow Posted July 6, 2015 Share Posted July 6, 2015 Purple sorrow, you raise a good point. Why would I the OW stay with her husband for so long? I bet she doesn't understand, I don't understand why I did it myself! I think there is the religious aspect in this case. Both their lives were pretty horrific prior to D Day. I am sure you have heard of "attachment parenting". She implemented "attachment marriage" 10 years ago, whereby they had to be in physical touch with each other constantly, she took his cell every night when he got home and handed it back to him prior to work every morning so nothing would interrupt "family time" When their kids were young she was an excellent mother (what I observed) so credit where it is due, that is a beautiful accomplishment. As they both get through a terrible time which I helped create, besides being so regretful and sorrowful, if they can find a way to work it out and be happy and they both want it I will be glad for them. As he has cheated before, I hope her love and their faith can keep him on the road to being the husband she deserves. Her behavior may have been influenced by his past cheating. He however; accepted that behavior from her. It wasn't your job to rescue the poor little mm from his unhappy life. I am sorry that you ended up in that situation. We've all done things that we regret. Sadly, no reset button for life. Start where you are now. Focus on you and what brings joy to your life. Peace. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 6, 2015 Author Share Posted July 6, 2015 I'm sorry you are going through this. The one thing I've learned from ending my affair, is you need to block him completely. He may be "working" on his marriage, but I can bet, in a few weeks, he's going to get antsy and weasel his way back to see what crumbs you may have left behind. Make it impossible for him to contact you. I made it almost impossible for my xAP to contact me. Other then him coming to my house, and I know he won't do that. It makes it so much easier to deal with..no more wondering if/when he's going to contact you. When he does try to come back and you accept his crumbs, the pain you will feel will when he becomes distant again will double what you are feeling now. It sucks, it's hard, but you need to do what's right for you. Move on and don't ever look back. Nikki76, I have already blocked him. (as I hope he has done me) the good news is, (no joke) we live on 2 different continents so no chance of running into him or him stopping by. There are no crumbs for him to get here. I have learned a hard lesson but it's one I will never ever forget. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Hi.. As you all know my DDay was the 2 July. All has been quiet until the last 2 days. I quit my job but I'm working out my notice period as required. I have a work mobile for client calls. The hang ups all hours of the day and night have started. This is my work mobile so can't change the number. As I still work in the same company as ExMM and I know that he is on a case out side his home country and the calls are originating from a number in their residential locality I think it's BS or someone acting for her. Obviously she needs to act out, I get it, but this is excessive. Over 40 a day for the last 2 days. It's doing my head in. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 If it is from the same number over and over- block that number- 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lemondrop21 Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Yikes, I am very sorry that you're going through this. I don't have any better suggestions other than blocking the number if that's possible. At least it will be over soon once you've left your job permanently. I've been reading some of your posts and I'm sorry to hear that you're having to leave your job, although if it's the right decision for you, then good for you for doing it. I'm very glad to hear that you're in a position to be able to do so; financially, emotionally etc. (Note: I'm not telling you "you should feel lucky" by any means, I'm only saying this because when I get upset about my situation, I try to think about how it could have been worse, so maybe this will help you just a little. Some of the godawful stories on this board help with that as well). Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 When a number annoys me or I simply want a particular person to disappear, I go to the Verizon web site and type their number into the call blocking field and they disappear. Unrecognized or restricted numbers always go to voice mail without ringing the phone so attempts to circumvent the block are thwarted. If the level of harassment doesn't rise to the criminal level, one can, yep even for a work phone, change their number. Blast the change via text or e-mail to customers and vendors and move on. Change can be sometimes uncomfortable but it passes and life goes on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Hi.. As you all know my DDay was the 2 July. All has been quiet until the last 2 days. I quit my job but I'm working out my notice period as required. I have a work mobile for client calls. The hang ups all hours of the day and night have started. This is my work mobile so can't change the number. As I still work in the same company as ExMM and I know that he is on a case out side his home country and the calls are originating from a number in their residential locality I think it's BS or someone acting for her. Obviously she needs to act out, I get it, but this is excessive. Over 40 a day for the last 2 days. It's doing my head in. You can get through this, it won't be long before you hand in that phone when your job ends, then there won't be anymore phantom phone calls. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
cozycottagelg Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 If it is from the same number over and over- block that number- Exactly this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
autumnnight Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Unrecognized or restricted numbers always go to voice mail without ringing the phone so attempts to circumvent the block are thwarted. I apologize for the O/T but can you tell me how to do this? I keep getting restricted calls lately. Sorry NewLeaf for that 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Thank you. We are in 2 different countries. I've done the block but now it's coming in as unknown. My notice period is 3 months and I'm 2 weeks in. Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 yep, I have been getting unknown calls for 2.5 years now- its annoying because there is really nothing you can do about it- hang in there- 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Thank you. We are in 2 different countries. I've done the block but now it's coming in as unknown. My notice period is 3 months and I'm 2 weeks in. I'm getting so pissed off that I feel like screaming at exMM to get control of this (We are both barristers) Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Well, that sucks. Can you set your phone service up so that it only takes unrestricted calls? Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 Well, that sucks. Can you set your phone service up so that it only takes unrestricted calls? ^^ and if this doesn't work out, perhaps change your number? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NewLeaf512 Posted July 14, 2015 Author Share Posted July 14, 2015 Well, that sucks. Can you set your phone service up so that it only takes unrestricted calls? It's a work mobile and my clients often call all hours if they have retained us Link to post Share on other sites
gettingstronger Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 It's designed to piss you off. Don't let them know it does. It only amps it up. Been there, done that. Sorry if i sound negative, it's just truth and it sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted July 14, 2015 Share Posted July 14, 2015 It's a work mobile and my clients often call all hours if they have retained us Well my sister had something on her phone that said this phone does not take calls from blocked numbers, please unblock your number and try again. It wouldn't even ring if the number was blocked. Maybe you can inquire about that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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