The Slow Fade

[katiegrl]

So, I called her a little while ago to see what was up and got the **** you button. I left a voicemail saying I was thinking about her, haven't heard from her, and wondering how she's doing. So far, no response.

 

Strange. Last time she was over she was all over me, gave me a deep kiss before she left, and said she would be back in touch with me early next week to get together again.

 

I assume she found someone else or who knows what.

 

But yeah, the thing that irks me the most is (and this is not exclusive to her) how people are so casual about ****ing each other over, no explanations. I just think it's such low character. Like anything else, the more it spreads culturally, the more 'acceptable' it becomes. This is why I do not want to be passive and just say "oh well" all blase about the whole thing. It's not about the girl (I'm never lost for a date when I want one). It's about respect, and it's not okay. People need to start holding each other to higher standards. Flame me all you want. My two cents.

 

Well I for one am glad you made that final call. That took a lot of strength of character.

 

If she does not call back, then you know for sure she's not interested and yeah screw her for not letting you know... and just fading out.

 

A simple text message from her would have sufficed, sheesh.

[katiegrl]

I just had the fade pulled on me about two weeks ago from a dude I was talking to for almost 2 months, and who I hooked up with.

 

I fully expect to never hear from a guy I didn't click with on the first or second date. But after more than a handful of dates, and hooking up, I feel like it is the responsibility of the person not feeling it to grow up, grow a sack, bite the bullet and end things properly.

 

The fade out is the most cowardly, immature, disrespectful, selfish, and frankly to me, anyone who does this has the emotional capacity of a jellyfish.

 

To literally treat someone, and to essentially tell that person that they are nothing more than a piece of s_h!t or garbage they can just throw out when ever they are done playing with them is disgusting.

 

I have no respect for people like this. I don't care what's going on, a simple, "Hey, I just don't think i see this going any further" is a lot more humane and kinder than to just turn into a ghost.

 

Instead, we have idiots (of both genders) who feel like this is OK, and that because we're in the 21st century and in the digital, instant gratification, grass is greener syndrome society, that people are disposable, just upgrade to the next.

 

People don't treat people like humans anymore. It's really sad. And then it causes the person they did it to, to stop trusting others, and then it continues the cycle of dysfunction between both genders.

 

Long rant, but there is literally no excuse ever to not have consideration for someone you were dating/sleeping with.

 

KatZ, safe to assume this is the same guy who still had his on-line profile up after a month of consistently dating you?

 

I am soooooo sorry! Wow, what a DB!

 

Arghhhh!!!!!

[candie13]

So, I called her a little while ago to see what was up and got the **** you button. I left a voicemail saying I was thinking about her, haven't heard from her, and wondering how she's doing. So far, no response.

 

Strange. Last time she was over she was all over me, gave me a deep kiss before she left, and said she would be back in touch with me early next week to get together again.

 

I assume she found someone else or who knows what.

 

But yeah, the thing that irks me the most is (and this is not exclusive to her) how people are so casual about ****ing each other over, no explanations. I just think it's such low character. Like anything else, the more it spreads culturally, the more 'acceptable' it becomes. This is why I do not want to be passive and just say "oh well" all blase about the whole thing. It's not about the girl (I'm never lost for a date when I want one). It's about respect, and it's not okay. People need to start holding each other to higher standards. Flame me all you want. My two cents.

 

give it time.

 

You've contacted her, which is really lovely. In the end, it's not even about the other person, it's about acting according in harmony with your own values. Making a call and getting your answer is a million times better than not giving that call and phychanalysing her pas behavior to death without getting to any conclusion. Knowing is ALWAYS better than not knowing. You get to heal much faster.

 

Also, before pointing fingers and making accusation, maybe you should take your time and get to know the person in front of you a bit better before having sex, if you want to avoid this type of situations. I mean, most dudes will most likely tell you "why do you care, mate, you've fcked her anyway. Go get yourself a new one, fresh meat for the lion".

 

The only thing that really matters is what you want. Ask yourself what sort of RS you want. If you go for casual sex, you can't expect decency and curtesy. People flake out. If you want a RS, you shouldn't really start with casual sex, because it hardly goes anywhere. I mean... there are exceptions.... but that's what they are. Exceptions.

Edited July 3, 2015 by candie13

[candie13]

I just had the fade pulled on me about two weeks ago from a dude I was talking to for almost 2 months, and who I hooked up with.

 

I fully expect to never hear from a guy I didn't click with on the first or second date. But after more than a handful of dates, and hooking up, I feel like it is the responsibility of the person not feeling it to grow up, grow a sack, bite the bullet and end things properly.

 

The fade out is the most cowardly, immature, disrespectful, selfish, and frankly to me, anyone who does this has the emotional capacity of a jellyfish.

 

To literally treat someone, and to essentially tell that person that they are nothing more than a piece of s_h!t or garbage they can just throw out when ever they are done playing with them is disgusting.

 

I have no respect for people like this. I don't care what's going on, a simple, "Hey, I just don't think i see this going any further" is a lot more humane and kinder than to just turn into a ghost.

 

Instead, we have idiots (of both genders) who feel like this is OK, and that because we're in the 21st century and in the digital, instant gratification, grass is greener syndrome society, that people are disposable, just upgrade to the next.

 

People don't treat people like humans anymore. It's really sad. And then it causes the person they did it to, to stop trusting others, and then it continues the cycle of dysfunction between both genders.

 

Long rant, but there is literally no excuse ever to not have consideration for someone you were dating/sleeping with.

 

katz, you are responsible for the RS you get into. No one owes you anything.

 

I remember meeting a really lovely OLD guy, had 2 lovely dates - during day time, second one taking me by the lake, lovely romantic kisses, I mean... wow, you'd have thought I won the lottery. He didn't even bother with a third date, asked me to come over to his place, one evening, after I had dinner with my gf. I was thinking "bloody bastard, such an arsehole" and it sort of stung, right? but then I thought... it's OLD. if I can't have meeting sexy dudes and kissing them, including the risk of them flaking out on me (flaking, wanting sex, whatever), I shouldn't be meeting these dudes to begin with.

 

KAtz, same advice as for TIB: figure out what you want and go for it. Why would you have sex with a guy if you're not "feeling it" with him? I mean, if he's insanely sexy and you're dying to hump him, irrelevant of his calling the next day or not, I understand... Decide what you want. And go for it.

 

Be consistent with your behavior and watch his behavior as well. And don't be afraid to dismiss guys easily if they don't fit your desires. Loads of people on this planet, you're selling yourself short by hanging onto someone who's not willing or able to give you what you want and need. I clung onto a guy for 7 years, I know what I'm talking about .

Edited July 3, 2015 by candie13

[ccpp]

katz, you are responsible for the RS you get into. No one owes you anything.

 

I remember meeting a really lovely OLD guy, had 2 lovely dates - during day time, second one taking me by the lake, lovely romantic kisses, I mean... wow, you'd have thought I won the lottery. He didn't even bother with a third date, asked me to come over to his place, one evening, after I had dinner with my gf. I was thinking "bloody bastard, such an arsehole" and it sort of stung, right? but then I thought... it's OLD. if I can't have meeting sexy dudes and kissing them, including the risk of them flaking out on me (flaking, wanting sex, whatever), I shouldn't be meeting these dudes to begin with.

 

KAtz, same advice as for TIB: figure out what you want and go for it. Why would you have sex with a guy if you're not "feeling it" with him? I mean, if he's insanely sexy and you're dying to hump him, irrelevant of his calling the next day or not, I understand... Decide what you want. And go for it.

 

Be consistent with your behavior and watch his behavior as well. And don't be afraid to dismiss guys easily if they don't fit your desires. Loads of people on this planet, you're selling yourself short by hanging onto someone who's not willing or able to give you what you want and need. I clung onto a guy for 7 years, I know what I'm talking about .

 

 

The third date was definitely too early to be asking a woman to come to your place.

[candie13]

The third date was definitely too early to be asking a woman to come to your place.

 

I never did, no worries. I remember telling him that it's not Christmas in advance and making some jokes. He tried a come back, a few days later, asking me in the middle of the day, to come to his place, for coffee - e.g. I was the one imagining things . And when I said "lets meet downtown" he made it look as if I am the one accusing him of trying to sleep with me.

 

such cheap mind games, I mean, I was 34 at the time, not an innocent teenager, to fall for this sort of bullocks

[Versacehottie]

That's well stated. When you first start dating, both parties are on their best behavior like when you first start a new job. It should be easy, natural. Folks know that dating isn't easy and most hate stupid games. If a couple hit it off and are dating and sleeping together, there shouldn't be a SUDDEN reason for someone to suddenly start to fade. Ok, maybe once but if they suddenly start taking much longer to reply to texts/calls and suddenly stop instigating contact, they are either fading, playing games or don't want to date you anymore. They wouldn't do ANY of those things no matter how busy their lives were.

 

 

When I start dating someone I really like and we've reached the stage of having sex, the last thing I'm going to do is potentially jeopardize the building relationship by not being timely in responses to communication, not instigating contact or showing ANYTHING that could potentially show this person I wasn't thrilled to be seeing her.

 

Of course this is ideal in a perfect world with perfect people. But this assumes that the OP has behaved perfectly and all his actions have been interpreted correctly, which often doesn't happen between two people especially who don't know each other well and are in their most vulnerable position with this new relationship person.

[Versacehottie]

WG, quote in asterisk..... you are *suspecting* they are fading because they have lost interest which is NOT always the case...as has been repeated in this thread ad nauseum.....

 

And what are you basing this suspicion on? A few unreturned text messages? Really?

 

Or perhaps you are basing it on past experience with other women (or men) who have faded on you?

 

If it's the latter, then you are allowing your past negative experiences to control your present... which won't get you anywhere 90% of the time.

 

Yes there is such a thing as learning from mistakes in the past.... however asking a chick (or a guy) what's up when you are confused... and they ultimately do reject you, would hardly be deemed a mistake.

 

Stalking them and acting like a crazed lunatic after being rejected would be a mistake. Not asking them what's up.

 

And by asking, you might be surprised to learn they did not lose interest at all....that they pulled back for other reasons, which have also been discussed in this thread.

 

Yeah, I'm not at all advocating asking them "why" or for closure. I think closure (especially in a short thing like this) is dumb. That's not the issue. I think some of people here are talking about obvious rejection and the rest of us fading (when contact is not what it was and the reason is unknown).

[Versacehottie]

To writer gals point, if someone wants to play games or is too immature to have a conversation with the other over something and chose's to fade, then she's not someone I want to have a relationship with anyway.

 

And to that same point, when a girl pulls back, because a guy's effort has been lackluster, even though he may be unaware and he doesn't reach or pursue, she doesn't want a relationship with him. WG has a great point and it applies to BOTH!!

[jay1983]

So, I called her a little while ago to see what was up and got the **** you button. I left a voicemail saying I was thinking about her, haven't heard from her, and wondering how she's doing. So far, no response.

 

Strange. Last time she was over she was all over me, gave me a deep kiss before she left, and said she would be back in touch with me early next week to get together again.

 

I assume she found someone else or who knows what.

 

But yeah, the thing that irks me the most is (and this is not exclusive to her) how people are so casual about ****ing each other over, no explanations. I just think it's such low character. Like anything else, the more it spreads culturally, the more 'acceptable' it becomes. This is why I do not want to be passive and just say "oh well" all blase about the whole thing. It's not about the girl (I'm never lost for a date when I want one). It's about respect, and it's not okay. People need to start holding each other to higher standards. Flame me all you want. My two cents.

Wad I tell ya?

[Versacehottie]

So, I called her a little while ago to see what was up and got the **** you button. I left a voicemail saying I was thinking about her, haven't heard from her, and wondering how she's doing. So far, no response.

 

Strange. Last time she was over she was all over me, gave me a deep kiss before she left, and said she would be back in touch with me early next week to get together again.

 

I assume she found someone else or who knows what.

 

But yeah, the thing that irks me the most is (and this is not exclusive to her) how people are so casual about ****ing each other over, no explanations. I just think it's such low character. Like anything else, the more it spreads culturally, the more 'acceptable' it becomes. This is why I do not want to be passive and just say "oh well" all blase about the whole thing. It's not about the girl (I'm never lost for a date when I want one). It's about respect, and it's not okay. People need to start holding each other to higher standards. Flame me all you want. My two cents.

 

I hope no one flames you. I see great character in what you did and that's what we've been saying all along. I think it takes way more courage and I have way more respect for someone who gave it one last attempt like you did. Now it's on her.

 

Dude, your tone even sounds more confident than the first post. I think now you will have no doubts even if the answer is not what you wanted to hear. Now if she doesn't respond she is just the idiot with low character and no courage. What you did took courage. You know the truth. You can live with the answer either way and you can have another date around the corner if you wanted. Calling her does not take that away from you. Guaranteed you are stronger for acting proactively. And if for some reason she isn't interested any longer, she will be one having regrets because you took your power back and acted completely normal, not like someone with a chip on their shoulder or who is pining over her. A calm normal message says all those things. It is about respect and by rising above, she can't take yours from you now no matter what happens. Her loss if she's not interested. Good luck (hope it's just a misunderstanding).

[angel.eyes]

So, I called her a little while ago to see what was up and got the **** you button. I left a voicemail saying I was thinking about her, haven't heard from her, and wondering how she's doing. So far, no response.

 

Strange. Last time she was over she was all over me, gave me a deep kiss before she left, and said she would be back in touch with me early next week to get together again.

 

I assume she found someone else or who knows what.

 

You're jumping to conclusions prematurely. If you're in the US, I would have wished her a happy fourth, told her I was thinking of her, and asked her to call me back when she got the message.

 

This is a holiday weekend. She may be away for the weekend.

 

You started the thread this morning. So you left a voicemail sometime today? Wait and see what happens next week, i.e. when she said she would get back to you.

[TunaInTheBrine]

You're jumping to conclusions prematurely. If you're in the US, I would have wished her a happy fourth, told her I was thinking of her, and asked her to call me back when she got the message.

 

This is a holiday weekend. She may be away for the weekend.

 

You started the thread this morning. So you left a voicemail sometime today? Wait and see what happens next week, i.e. when she said she would get back to you.

 

FYI: This happened more than a week ago. She went away last weekend and came back Monday. I texted her earlier this week and got no response, so this is why I called now.

[angel.eyes]

Oh. Thanks for clarifying.

 

Then she's fading. She promised to call and hasn't, then ignored your text. I still think calling her at least once to follow up was the right path to take. Sometimes signals cross, technology fails, etc...but it doesn't look promising.

Edited July 4, 2015 by angel.eyes

[aloneinaz]

FYI: This happened more than a week ago. She went away last weekend and came back Monday. I texted her earlier this week and got no response, so this is why I called now.

 

 

I don't know if I read that she never replied AT ALL to your text earlier this week. I hope I'm wrong but I don't think you'll hear from her unless she was in a car accident or something like that.

 

 

I also applaud you for giving it one last go. Like I've said in this thread, I've done that a few times when I was getting the fade. In all cases, my gut was correct and they were no longer interested.

 

 

I agree with everyone that people should have the courtesy to let people know they are NLI.

I know when I was dating, I'd have a first date that I thought went well. I'd text them the next day or two and get radio silence when in the past they were quick to respond. This was a common thing.

 

 

I met this one gal for a date that lied about herself. She wasn't anything like the obviously old photos she posted on the dating site. We met, I was a gentleman and had a drink with her and gave her a hug when I left, saying it was nice to meet you. I got home and 30 minutes later, she texted asking me what I thought of her and if I wanted to see her again. I almost didn't reply since she so grossly miss-represented herself. I was nice and told her I didn't feel a connection but it was nice meeting her. She then blasted me.. I didn't reply and deleted it. 10 minutes later, she sent a full frontal nude photo of herself (20lbs plus lighter) saying "you'll never get your hands on this".. This is a true story.

 

 

So, while I don't agree with the fade or vanishing, I can see why some employ it so they don't take the chance of someone flipping out over being told they are not interested in them anymore.

[Lansing]

This kind of stuff and flakiness drives me crazy.

 

Female friends have told me stories about just "ignoring" guys and how they "aren't taking the hint" and I tell them they should be honest and direct and a lot of them won't be. They just hide behind text messages and ignoring people or saying they are "busy" with hopes the guy finally gets the hint. On the other hand, if a girl says she is "busy" now to me my first instinct is that she is lying and just not interested instead of giving her the benefit of the doubt. This one particular friend was so mean in talking about how she was dealing with this guy that it made me lose all respect for her. I think some of the girls secretly enjoy the attention even if they aren't interested in the guy because it would be easy for them to make the guy go away for good by saying "hey, just want to be clear I am not interested" or whatever. I would respect a girl far more for that if I was on the other side of things.

 

 

To the OP. You made an effort. If you hear back you hear back but I would move on starting now.

[TunaInTheBrine]

I remember the first time I learned about the slow fade. It was 1999. I was a teenager and my buddy was actively ignoring this girl he'd been seeing who was blowing up his pager (haha, remember pagers?). Me and our mutual friends were asking him, "aren't you going to tell her you're not interested?" and he said "nah, I'm just not going to respond and she'll get the hint". We thought he was the biggest ******* for it, and so did most other people who saw him do things like this to women.

 

Fast forward 16 years later, and it is so commonplace that most people don't even think twice about it. Many even endorse it. Like the above poster said, it's so much easier to hide behind a text message than it is to be straightforward with someone. And while some may offer the argument that it serves to protect against people getting upset, well, people are still going to get upset no matter what. That doesn't change. No one likes rejection. Part of being a decent human being though means doing things we don't want to do - firing an employee, confronting a friend with drug addiction, or turning down a date. "Sorry, but I don't think we're a match. Best of luck to you though". Women have told me this before, and I have been fine about it. Most women I tell this to are also fine about it, and some aren't, but that's alright. They were going to be upset anyway.

 

You might not have a close relationship with someone and feel you don't owe them anything, but it's still the right thing to do and for the greater good of the dating world. Like someone else said, all this miscommunication and avoidance serves as fuel to perpetuate a lot of the gender wars. It's kind of like peeing in the pool. It ruins it for everyone!

 

As a final note, I'll just say I really am not that into this girl. I mean, we haven't been seeing each other that long. I like her, and I would be open to continuing seeing her, but I'm not hung up on her. It's the situation and the cultural underpinnings of it all that are really gripping me. I've already moved on from the girl. I have a new date tomorrow, and potentially a couple more over the week ahead.

Edited July 5, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine

[aloneinaz]

 

 

 

I've already moved on from the girl. I have a new date tomorrow, and potentially a couple more over the week ahead.

 

 

I agree with everything in this post. When I started dating after my divorce, I was surprised that the norm for women was to vanish if they didn't feel anything after a date or two. Ya thought things went well and then texted them a day or two later and was met w/radio silence. I simply came to accept it and took the hint and did exactly what you're doing. I kept dating till I found someone that I connected with.

[angel.eyes]

Meh! People have been fading and disappearing since time immemorial. It's featured in novels from two centuries ago. It was the main theme in a best-selling novel and a movie in the '90's. My grandmother warned my mother about boys who behave like this, and my mom in turn warned me about the same thing.

 

So Tuna, the rant you just posted isn't going to change the tide of people behaving badly during the dating process. Some people are courteous. A few aren't. It happens. Behave with integrity and let the others do their thing. They get to live with themselves.

 

What was it? Weeks ora month of dating? Keep things in perspective. Let this go and focus on your next date.

[Jejangles]

I've been on both sides of the fade. When I first started online dating, I would make tentative plans with someone and then leave them hanging. I only ever did it to one text - it's not in me to ignore multiple contacts from someone. But I would let them text me about plans etc. and not respond and if they never texted again I reassured myself they weren't that interested anyway.

 

More recently, having been on both sides of it, I have realised it feels a lot better to have clear and final endings, even though it can be awkward. I never ignore contact or fade away... If I'm not interested, I say so!

 

But I have also realised I'm not comfortable letting other people fade away in silence, especially once we have had more than a few dates / things have been physical. So now, if I can feel someone fading, I get in touch with how I have been feeling. Was I ignoring red flags or incompatibilities while I was caught up in the fun of early dating? Do I really see any sort of future with this person? Usually the fade is well timed to show me that the person I was dating was never the right person anyway.

 

If I think it's worth pursuing, I reach out and if they ignore me or give a lukewarm response, I have my answer. If I don't think it's worth pursuing, I send a final message to let them know I'm done. I have realised for me personally I hate the unfinished feeling of a fade. Plus a fade just makes it more awkward if you run into the person in the future, which has happened to me twice with random online dates who I never would have thought I would see again!

 

All that to say OP, I think you made the right choice for you. The only control you have in this type of situation is over your own actions. If it makes you feel better / get closure to reach out one last time then that's the right choice! If it feels better to do a mutual fade and never speak to the person again, that's ok too.

[Auspecial]

Don't pretend you wanna call them out on it for some kind of greater good relating to how humans communicate to one another and showing each other decency... you trying to call this guy out on a fade out isn't gonna do a thing for that 'cause', you're probably just using it as an excuse to try and get some attention from them whether it's good or bad, a last ditch attempt. .

 

I totally get trying to make a change in consciousness around this issue. I think people need examples and role models on how to do this. Everyone has gotten too relaxed, selfish and lazy, and some just don't know how.

 

Sure, it is human nature to want to avoid unpleasant things, but it should also be a natural desire to treat people in a decent fashion, especially those you have gotten close with at any level.

 

You may not feel like having a conversation, but you do it anyway because its the respectable thing to do. Choosing to make the difficult conversation takes courage, but the more you do it, the easier it becomes.

[Redhead14]

Sometimes men and women will do the fade when they've attempted to tell the other party in numerous ways including being direct because that party just doesn't get it. So they do it gradually and the other party is oblivious anyway -- because -- they just don't get it and then they go no contact. That's when you hear, "oh my god, he just fell of the earth". He/she didn't have a choice . . .

 

Usually, it's the woman but she will have heard the following statements at some point(s) during the relationship:

 

I'm just dating casually (she wants a relationship)-- Meanwhile, he's not calling often, asks to see her once in a while and not meeting her early dating needs anyway. And when they do see each other, it's sex.

 

I don't know what I want (he doesn't want her) -- meanwhile, he's not calling often anymore, hasn't asked to see her as often and not meeting her early dating needs anyway. And when they do see each other, it's sex.

 

I don't want to hurt you (but I will if you make me do it) -- aw, he/she's just taking it slow and being sure. But I know they're all in, I just know it. meanwhile, he's not calling often anymore, hasn't asked to see her as often and not meeting her early dating needs anyway. And when they do, it's sex.

 

And, I don't want to see you anymore -- he/she starts analyzing him and thinking about how wonderful everything was, when in fact, it wasn't and thinks he just didn't realize what he was doing and keeps hounding him/her. Meanwhile, he's not calling often anymore, if at all, hasn't asked to see her as often, if at all and not meeting her early dating needs anyway. And when they do see each other, it's sex, even if a month has gone by without contact.

[Zzyxx]

I absolutely detest the slow fade, but that being said I think it entirely depends on the context of the relationship and how long you've been seeing each other. After one date, ok, I mean it makes sense if someone doesn't call you back, but a few weeks, or even months, I think it's annoying as hell. I think a lot of it just boils down to people's individual emotional immaturity, or lack of consideration to brave communication and do the honest yet uncomfortable thing. Yeah of course people are scared of hurting other's feelings in these situations, but I think unless they don't have a lot of dating experience themselves they don't see that the fade is frustrating and ultimately worse.

 

As a woman who dates women I also perhaps have a different perspective on this, because I also find that women can tend to become defensive in very subtle ways if you do call them out on it. I was dating a woman for four months that is pulling the slow fade, and I did bring it up and was met with denial about it, but no rational explanation about why she was never texting me or confirming plans for us to hang out anymore, other than I was making her feel pressured for simply asking what was up in an objective and rational way.

 

Like another poster said, if you have adequate dating experience and good instincts you can pinpoint when it's happening and after that point there's really not much you can do if they don't want to be honest, other than break up with them first, which also takes the pressure off of them. Either way it's a crappy thing to pull on someone.

[TunaInTheBrine]

What stinks about the whole fading thing I think is that it puts everyone that much more on guard moving forward. The next person you date who doesn't respond so readily to your texts or something, and you start getting all paranoid.

 

Fading away on someone is kind of like peeing in the pool. It ruins it for everyone!

[Redhead14]

What stinks about the whole fading thing I think is that it puts everyone that much more on guard moving forward. The next person you date who doesn't respond so readily to your texts or something, and you start getting all paranoid.

 

Fading away on someone is kind of like peeing in the pool. It ruins it for everyone!

 

Frankly, I don't care how they do it. I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't want to be with me. I don't care about the why's. And, I leave it there. I don't project into current dating scenarios. Each new partner starts with a clean slate. There is absolutely no way to know who will do this kind of thing. And, it's not fair to a current dating partner to be distrusting of them because of some else's cowardly and disrespectful behavior. No one wants to date someone who is on guard and not in the moment with them. It makes them uncomfortable too and then history repeats itself . . .