jen1447 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 it was only two dates and the person vanished. OP said "more than two dates" and they've been sleeping together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 (edited) ***Walking into rejection when you know ahead of time it's a bad idea *** is like repeatedly putting your hand on a hot stove and burning yourself again and again. If you are dumb or like pain, go for it. I'm just sayin'! Maybe it would help if the OP would share the whole story of this short relationship. He does not really "know" though hon......he is only "assuming." That's my point, stop assuming! Take a risk! You won't die....I promise! You just might be surprised. Or maybe not, but at least you will know one way or the other.... instead of assuming, wondering or guessing. Edited July 3, 2015 by katiegrl Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 You know I am beginning to wonder if anyone knows how to develop a relationship anymore. So quick to assume the worst..... then launch. Ugh. Do people not know how to communicate anymore? How the hell do people expect to resolve a conflict, misunderstanding or confusion if they don't communicate? What's the worst that could happen? He/she tells you they have lost interest or lies and gives you a BS excuse essentially saying the same thing. So what? Will you die? Or "lose your dignity"? You are not the lone wolf on this opinion. Here here. Like my little quote says: sometimes I think it's just pride in the way. You can handle a fade with pride and dignity AND still reach out to get some information. Especially OP is a guy so, he has added benefit of the gender roles not really getting in way at these early stages. If his girl is on the fence or reacting to what she perceives as "something" bad from his end, reaching out will give him best chance anyway. Girls like a guy who takes charge in general and shows a little vulnerability. Even if the girl doesn't like him, if he handles it well, I'm not going to lose respect for him as a person for wanting to find out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 OP said "more than two dates" and they've been sleeping together. Oops... I still stand behind my post! Anyone with dating experience knows when someone is fading and no longer interested. I've have done what others have suggested when a gal faded on me during the first few dates or dating for a couple of weeks. Each time I contacted the person, I either got ignored or was told they were no longer interested. Usually our instincts are right and we connect the dots. We think, hum, they seemed a little off on the last date. Now, they are fading.. Experience tells us they are not feeling it and we move on to others. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 If his girl is on the fence or reacting to what she perceives as "something" bad from his end, reaching out will give him best chance anyway. Girls like a guy who takes charge in general and shows a little vulnerability. Even if the girl doesn't like him, if he handles it well, I'm not going to lose respect for him as a person for wanting to find out. Yes! Letting it go w/no resistance whatsoever is like passively sticking your head in the sand. Not an attractive quality. I know they probably don't care at that point, but personally I prefer to leave good impressions. Looking for answers, as long as it's done w/dignity and not over-persistence, is an indicator of self-respect - an attractive quality. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 instead of assuming, wondering or guessing. I have to comment on this. I personally took dating WAY TO SERIOUSLY.. Many on this site do the same. We are far too sensitive. With experience, you learn that dating should be FUN, exciting and enjoyable. We are NOT curing cancer by meeting and dating others. After only a few dates or a few weeks of dating and someone disappears, you have to question why you'd invest anytime wondering, assuming or guessing why they did that? WHO CARES! If they were into you and liked you and wanted to keep seeing you, they wouldn't fade or vanish. People like really like you and want to keep seeing you demonstrate it by their actions. Experience told me to NOT take it personal and to keep looking for someone I would connect with, like my GF I have now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I have to comment on this. I personally took dating WAY TO SERIOUSLY.. Many on this site do the same. We are far too sensitive. With experience, you learn that dating should be FUN, exciting and enjoyable. We are NOT curing cancer by meeting and dating others. After only a few dates or a few weeks of dating and someone disappears, you have to question why you'd invest anytime wondering, assuming or guessing why they did that? WHO CARES! If they were into you and liked you and wanted to keep seeing you, they wouldn't fade or vanish. People like really like you and want to keep seeing you demonstrate it by their actions. Experience told me to NOT take it personal and to keep looking for someone I would connect with, like my GF I have now. I'm confused. So you are completely suggesting swinging the other direction to protect the ego? Because people take dating too seriously? How can a quick phone call (shoot, I'll even say text is fine) with someone you have been sleeping with a horrible, over serious thing? It's equal at least to time invested under circumstances. Think of what you gain if you straighten things out and what you lose if your hunch is wrong. I think people's egos are taking this way too seriously. It's just a sentence or paragraph of communication with someone OP deemed sex-worthy at some point. Hmmmm 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 - if you were to drop someone by mistake - if they really care, they will usually contact you and set you straight. It's not an issue. No they won't....not if they believe, for whatever reason, that YOU (generic you) don't give a shyt.... Another story, this time about me. When I started dating and having sex with my second boyfriend, I was 26. Not as confident and secure as I am now. As such, based on some of his actions and not knowing him all that well... I was not sure of his feelings and was too much of a scaredy cat to ask...lol. Not my proudest moment, but because of this I chose to pull back. He noticed and confronted me about it. We TALKED...I told him how I I felt (uncertain, a bit insecure).... and HE clarified for me how much he DID care. We were together 4 years. I did break up with him in the end because of reasons I would rather not go into now...but the point is, instead of *assuming* I was fading, he cared enough to call to find out for sure....and we were together four years after that. It is not always what you think! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 No they won't....not if they believe, for whatever reason, that YOU (generic you) don't give a shyt.... Another story, this time about me. When I started dating and having sex with my second boyfriend, I was 26. Not as confident and secure as I am now. As such, based on some of his actions and not knowing him all that well... I was not sure of his feelings and was too much of a scaredy cat to ask...lol. Not my proudest moment, but because of this I chose to pull back. He noticed and confronted me about it. We TALKED...I told him how I I felt (uncertain, a bit insecure).... and HE clarified for me how much he DID care. We were together 4 years. I did break up with him in the end because of reasons I would rather not go into now...but the point is, instead of *assuming* I was fading, he cared enough to call to find out for sure....and we were together four years after that. It is not always what you think! I can think of countless similar examples in my own life. Where what seemed like a fade (either on my end or the guy's end) was NOT that. One time, at beginning of my new relationship, my guy had flown out of town to help a relative who had a heart attack. He was wondering why he hadn't heard from me, assuming someone would have told me his situation and being busy really consumed with the situation and I didn't know about it at all and was assuming he was blowing me off. Luckily, we got it straightened out. Not so unusual. People get busy and have lives. The fact that OP's girl was sleeping with him several times, would at least assume she has some decent amount of interest. I don't know. My ego can handle an attempt to communicate, gather information and decide for myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I have to comment on this. I personally took dating WAY TO SERIOUSLY.. Many on this site do the same. We are far too sensitive. With experience, you learn that dating should be FUN, exciting and enjoyable. We are NOT curing cancer by meeting and dating others. ***After only a few dates or a few weeks of dating and someone disappears, you have to question why you'd invest anytime wondering, assuming or guessing why they did that? WHO CARES! **** If they were into you and liked you and wanted to keep seeing you, they wouldn't fade or vanish. People like really like you and want to keep seeing you demonstrate it by their actions. Experience told me to NOT take it personal and to keep looking for someone I would connect with, like my GF I have now. Re quote in asterisk above (I can't bold text)....who cares???? Really? Do you not realize the irony there? Did it not ever occur to you that the reason she pulled back or "faded" was PRECISELY because ...or may have been because....she sensed you did not care???? I mean you pretty much just admitted you didn't care.....so what did you expect? Do you not realize that women can sense when a man does not give a shyt? No wonder she faded....sheesh! Link to post Share on other sites
fitnessfan365 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 1) Trying to get the truth out of someone who faded out is a waste of time. The whole reason why they did it in the first place was to avoid being honest. 2) To me, it seems silly to imply there is a character flaw or ego issue with the victim. Put the blame where it belongs - on the coward who faded out. Trying to get an answer, implies that you're still invested. But any person disrespectful enough to do a fade out doesn't deserve the attention IMO. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 - if you were to drop someone by mistake - if they really care, they will usually contact you and set you straight. It's not an issue. No they won't....not if they believe, for whatever reason, that YOU (generic you) don't give a shyt.... This also begs the question of what if both ppl do the same fade for fear of learning the truth? What's so puzzling to me about all this is that the solution just isn't a big deal. Pick up the phone, call or text, get your confirmation or not and go from there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Re quote in asterisk above (I can't bold text)....who cares???? Really? Do you not realize the irony there? Did it not ever occur to you that the reason she pulled back or "faded" was PRECISELY because ...or may have been because....she sensed you did not care???? I mean you pretty much just admitted you didn't care.....so what did you expect? Do you not realize that women can sense when a man does not give a shyt? No wonder she faded....sheesh! Ok, easy now.. Everyone breathe here. The context in saying "who cares" was that they lost interest and decided to not communicate with me. It did not mean I didn't care about them or seeing them. What I'm trying to convey (though clearly not well) is I've never, NEVER not been right when I felt like the person I was dating had lost interest. As I stated above, I had reached out in the past when a women did the fade for clarity. We know the signs, it's not just that they go radio silent. My point in this post you're quoting is we can't take it so seriously when people decide we are not a good fit FOR THEM. We have to go into self preservation mode and say "there loss".. Not everyone is a good fit for us and vs versa. Yes, it's terrible that people who lose interest can't handle it more maturely and let the person know they no longer want to see them. But, as this thread so illustrates, many people prefer the fade or vanish over communication. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 ***This also begs the question of what if both ppl do the same fade for fear of learning the truth?*** What's so puzzling to me about all this is that the solution just isn't a big deal. Pick up the phone, call or text, get your confirmation or not and go from there. Asterisk quote -- Exactly. Which is precisely what would have happened if waiting4u had taken the advice on this board, and not contacted him, and just moved on... Nuff said from me...... Hope things work out for ya OP....keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I say listen to Gary and do nothing. Or listen to Katie and learn the hard way. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 1) Trying to get the truth out of someone who faded out is a waste of time. The whole reason why they did it in the first place was to avoid being honest. 2) To me, it seems silly to imply there is a character flaw or ego issue with the victim. Put the blame where it belongs - on the coward who faded out. Trying to get an answer, implies that you're still invested. But any person disrespectful enough to do a fade out doesn't deserve the attention IMO. *I definitely don't mean that you need to get an answer about why the person is no longer interest, only whether they are still interested or not and that it's not a miscommunication. Full stop. *To me, yes there are issues with someone who is so worried about looking weak to find out (once) if a person they have interest in is still interested. For OP's story, if she is not AT ALL responding to his phone calls and texts, well then game over. But if she is cutting back (a fade), I think it's worth his while to put a little effort into it. No joke, some girls pull back after sex because they are rethinking everything. Maybe they are sleeping together but his level of effort as bf material is so-so or he hasn't yet asked her to be exclusive so she is freaking out a bit. Who knows? If he likes her, worth it to make an effort so as not to miss out on a good person. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Ok, easy now.. Everyone breathe here. The context in saying "who cares" was that they lost interest and decided to not communicate with me. It did not mean I didn't care about them or seeing them. What I'm trying to convey (though clearly not well) is I've never, NEVER not been right when I felt like the person I was dating had lost interest. As I stated above, I had reached out in the past when a women did the fade for clarity. We know the signs, it's not just that they go radio silent. My point in this post you're quoting is we can't take it so seriously when people decide we are not a good fit FOR THEM. We have to go into self preservation mode and say "there loss".. Not everyone is a good fit for us and vs versa. Yes, it's terrible that people who lose interest can't handle it more maturely and let the person know they no longer want to see them. But, as this thread so illustrates, many people prefer the fade or vanish over communication. Okay, once again, how do you know for a fact that the reason a particular woman pulled back was because she didn't believe you were a good fit? Because that is how others before her felt? Every woman is different, and as such they each will have different reasons for behaving the way they do.... You can't just make generalizations like that....by doing so you are allowing your past to control your present....and if your past is littered with negative experiences like women fading... .. you will assume things in your present based on those negative experiences... and possibly miss out on something wonderful. Look, maybe she did lose interest... maybe this maybe that. Or maybe it:s something else! If you care, take a risk and find out! Stop assuming....I mean you know what they say about those who assume.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I say listen to Gary and do nothing. Or listen to Katie and learn the hard way. Or listen to katie and learn that MAYBE your assumptions are wrong...and that she does care but thinks you don't... for whatever reason.... Or if you find out she does not care, you can move on in peace..and not wonder about it anymore..... Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Or listen to katie and learn that MAYBE your assumptions are wrong...and that she does care but thinks you don't... for whatever reason.... Or if you find out she does not care, you can move on in peace..and not wonder about it anymore..... Why else would she be doing this? Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Why else would she be doing this? Oh good gawd, read the thread, specifically my posts, Jen's posts, and Versacehottie's posts. There could be a million reasons why a chick pulls back other than she lost interest....sheesh. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
writergal Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 I've been seeing/sleeping with someone who is pulling the slow fade on me (not responding to texts/outreach contact). I'd like to call them out on it somehow or dish it back, but I'm not sure how. Anyone have experience/success doing this in a way that they felt gave them their dignity back? If it is one date only and there's no chemistry, I don't expect to hear back from someone and I don't always follow up myself, but when you've been seeing someone for more than two dates and/or sleeping with them, I think there should be some kind of "I'm not feeling this" conversation for maturity's sake. If it were one date, I'd let it go. But multiple dates/sex, I think we shouldn't let people get away with it. It only encourages and globalizes the non-communication problem. Maybe we need to start leaving voicemails for people who do this to us and simply say "I've got news: I tested positive [click]". Best way to react to a fade out? Fade out and don't call the person out on it. They already have shown you that they don't care about your feelings by disappearing on you. So, (and this is just my opinion), I doubt they would react with regret if they received an email or text from you, "I know you faded out on me, you're a jerk." They'd just use that against you, to confirm what they already believe (that you're not worth their time). It sucks to be disappeared on but the people who take that route are immature and have horrible communication skills, in that, they have none. The types who fade out, are the types who are terrified of emotional intimacy (I think). Otherwise they'd have the cojones to tell you "hey I don't feel this anymore sorry." So, look at it from that angle. This person did you a favor. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who runs away when they get scared, rather than stay and have an adult conversation about their expectations etc? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Why else would she be doing this? We don't know, that's why it'd be a good idea to ask and find out. It's honestly really surprising to me that so many ppl approach this from a place of fear. I feel like I should give you the "face your fears" speech. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Okay, once again, how do you know for a fact that the reason a particular woman pulled back was because she didn't believe you were a good fit? Because that is how others before her felt? Every woman is different, and as such they each will have different reasons for behaving the way they do.... You can't just make generalizations like that....by doing so you are allowing your past to control your present....and if your past is littered with negative experiences like women fading... .. you will assume things in your present based on those negative experiences... and possibly miss out on something wonderful. Look, maybe she did lose interest... maybe this maybe that. Or maybe it:s something else! If you care, take a risk and find out! Stop assuming....I mean you know what they say about those who assume.... Katie- I do understand where you're coming from, I do. People need to do what they feel is best for them. When ALL the signs are they showing the signs of a fade, my choice is to move on. I've never had a successful, LTR where the girl did anything resembling a fade. I do understand your point and Jen's point as well. If that' what people choose to want to do, then by all means do it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jay1983 Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 It's not so much a fear, it's that it's a waste of time. If he calls her she'll just tell him she's sorry, been busy blah blah blah and he's right where he is now. You ladies are leaning really hard on calling her. Know what, I'd like him to call her and update us just to see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted July 3, 2015 Share Posted July 3, 2015 Katie- I do understand where you're coming from, I do. People need to do what they feel is best for them. When ALL the signs are they showing the signs of a fade, my choice is to move on. I've never had a successful, LTR where the girl did anything resembling a fade. I do understand your point and Jen's point as well. If that' what people choose to want to do, then by all means do it. Okay fair enough.... You know I am a huge advocate of people always behaving in ways that are right for them....so you will get no argument from me there. It's been interesting (and enlightening) debating this with ya though! Link to post Share on other sites
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