The Slow Fade

[bluestealth]

I've recently been texting with a girl from Match and there was a point where I hadn't heard back from her for nearly a week. I decided to send one more text (3rd one) and she responded by saying her phone had overheated so she had to get a new one and had lost all her contacts!

 

I had another situation with a girl I was texting with who was fading away. I contacted one of her friends on FB to ask about her. Her friend told me she was going through a weird phase and would talk to her. About a week later the girl started texting me again because I got her friend involved.

 

Most of the time someone is just fading because they are rude and cowardly, but you never know so that's why I usually go the extra mile to find out more.

[Versacehottie]

Why else would she be doing this?

 

well to run away without finding out if there's just a miscommunication or the person is busy or whatever, is based on worst presumption of all: that you are not bf material for her, rather than the two of you suck at communicating.

[Versacehottie]

 

So, look at it from that angle. This person did you a favor. Would you want to be in a relationship with someone who runs away when they get scared, rather than stay and have an adult conversation about their expectations etc?

 

I couldn't agree with this more. Thus what is big deal, especially from a guy at beginning of relationship, reaching out?

 

A fade is not "as" responsive, not "not responding". If the person is not responding, you have your answer. If they are not as responsive, find out what's up. Your advice applies to both parties in this story.

[katiegrl]

You are not the lone wolf on this opinion. Here here. Like my little quote says: sometimes I think it's just pride in the way.

 

**You can handle a fade with pride and dignity AND still reach out to get some information.**

 

Especially OP is a guy so, he has added benefit of the gender roles not really getting in way at these early stages.

 

**If his girl is on the fence or reacting to what she perceives as "something" bad from his end, reaching out will give him best chance anyway. Girls like a guy who takes charge in general and shows a little vulnerability.**

 

**Even if the girl doesn't like him, if he handles it well, I'm not going to lose respect for him as a person for wanting to find out.**

 

^^Just read this.....quoted again for truth.

 

And to add..if I am on the fence about him....him reaching out shows strength and confidence which may result in increasing my interest level!

 

I have experiencrd that as well.....

Edited July 3, 2015 by katiegrl

[jay1983]

well to run away without finding out if there's just a miscommunication or the person is busy or whatever, is based on worst presumption of all: that you are not bf material for her, rather than the two of you suck at communicating.

 

You don't start off good then get sorry at communicating.

 

But Okay fine. One more time.

 

OP please call her. I wanna hear about what happens.

[Versacehottie]

It's not so much a fear, it's that it's a waste of time.

 

If he calls her she'll just tell him she's sorry, been busy blah blah blah and he's right where he is now.

 

You ladies are leaning really hard on calling her.

 

Know what, I'd like him to call her and update us just to see what happens.

 

I'm not saying it will work out perfectly but there's really no harm in trying. Too often people are given bad advice to cut and run on this site from a rigid rules perspective and it does not benefit the OP who is confused. I like to give an enlightened perspective and consider as many facts as have been given.

 

The important ones here, along from knowing your OP, is that she has been sleeping with him already. He is a guy. It's possible this girl is no longer interested (he's bad in bed or she's got someone else) OR it's also possible she's playing a bit of a game because she does not feel his interest is strong enough given the situation. A lot of the time a "fade" from a girl's end (wrong or right) is to determine how interested or genuine the interest is. Just a different perspective. There is no always one way or another.

 

I guess it matters how much OP is interested. If he is going to run or freak out from a little fade (cause undetermined at this point), how will he weather real bumps in the road? Just saying that the beginning stages are difficult to navigate and the "right" advice can't always be he/she isn't into you!! It may be true but it may not be true. Good luck OP

[Versacehottie]

^^just read this.....quoted again for truth.

 

And to add..if i am on the fence about him....him reaching out shows strength and confidence which may result in increasing my interest level!

 

I have experiencrd that as well.....

 

exactly..........

[katiegrl]

I'm not saying it will work out perfectly but there's really no harm in trying. Too often people are given bad advice to cut and run on this site from a rigid rules perspective and it does not benefit the OP who is confused. I like to give an enlightened perspective and consider as many facts as have been given.

 

The important ones here, along from knowing your OP, is that she has been sleeping with him already. He is a guy. It's possible this girl is no longer interested (he's bad in bed or she's got someone else)

 

**OR it's also possible she's playing a bit of a game because she does not feel his interest is strong enough given the situation.***

 

 

A lot of the time a "fade" from a girl's end (wrong or right) is to determine how interested or genuine the interest is. Just a different perspective. There is no always one way or another.

 

I guess it matters how much OP is interested. If he is going to run or freak out from a little fade (cause undetermined at this point), how will he weather real bumps in the road? Just saying that the beginning stages are difficult to navigate and the "right" advice can't always be he/she isn't into you!! It may be true but it may not be true. Good luck OP

 

Quote in asterisk... it is also possible that the early sex has caused her to feel too vulnerable, and is pulling back in an effort to "manage her emotions".... which many people on this board deem an excellent thing to do when one feels their emotions are a bit out of control.....

 

Maybe! Again it could be anything! We are all just speculating...... if you care, call and find out!

 

The female brain works differently than the male brain.....don't make assumptions based on what or how your male brain reacts to things...

Edited July 3, 2015 by katiegrl

[ccpp]

Simple focus on yourself. Slow fade is really annoying. I wish the person would just straight up they arent interested in you instead of just trying to be slick. People are so weak and childish sometimes.

 

It sure is but eventually you stop thinking about them because they longer you go without talking to someone it;s easier to not think about them.

[Versacehottie]

We are all just speculating...... if you care, call and find out!

 

The female brain works differently than the male brain.....don't make assumptions based on what or how your male brain reacts to things...

 

I agree and find it interesting the on this topic guys seem bunched together on one side of debate and more girls on other side of debate. Are a pull back and a fade the same thing? Possibly if OP isn't considering his own actions or putting himself in her shoes, of course she could just be pulling back!!! I know plenty of girls who do this trick, for self-protection, for game playing. Looks same as non-interest so only way to find out is try to communicate.

[fitnessfan365]

It's honestly really surprising to me that so many ppl approach this from a place of fear. I feel like I should give you the "face your fears" speech.

 

I still don't understand this mentality Jen.

 

The person that needs to "face their fear" is the one who faded out. What Jay says about it being a waste of time, is 100% true. If the person was going to be honest, they wouldn't have faded out in the first place. So even if you do eventually get a response, it will either be a lame excuse or some compliment filled cliche. So is it really worth the time or effort to have your intelligence insulted?

[candie13]

I truly believe in intuition. If the OP believe she's losing interest ... he's better letting her get away with it.

 

however if she's doing same ol' things, if she acts just as enthusiastic during the dates just being less present when out of touch - calling less often, responding less quickly etc - and if the OP genuinely likes her, he could reach out to her. Maybe it's the mid year review, she is filling in for a colleague, she's PMSing, whatever. Loads of things that can occupy a person's head space, there may be chances she's either not aware of her behavior or maybe thinking the OP won't care either way. Some women who get in non commitmental RS prefer to leave first, especially if they feel that their partner is not invested - wrongly or correctly.

 

but if the OP aims "to call her out" for doing the fade, out of spite or hurt pride, it's a waste of time. Just let it be, OP. There's plenty other where this one came from. As az was putting it, you can only have a successful RS when your partner is just as interested in you and invested in the RS as you are.

 

The beginnings are supposed to be beautiful, the two are supposed to always want to be together, it's supposed to flow naturally, effortlessly...

 

it doesn't matter how many dates you've had. It doesn't matter if you've had sex. You two were not exclusive. I say "take the hint and cross her out of your mental list. Next".

[candie13]

related or not to this thread, it's always funny to read how concerned are some people (me included) with their own image, pride over putting themselves out there and doing something a bit more... brave - confronting their fears and initiating the communication

 

It's funny how situations like this test our own self esteem and our deep seated self esteem beliefs, may they be "be strong", "don't show any emotion" or " try harder", haha!

 

I guess it's all very personal matter: what's more important to one: not to lose (intact self esteem, pride minus the girl) or potentially winning (and taking the chance of getting rejected).

 

Strictly rationally speaking, if the OP withdraws, he's called it quits already. Someone said that the only time when you have 100% of failing an exam is when you're not taking it.

 

life's funny, like that, hahaha, no one can really get away from themselves. And RS have this knack of bringing up all these unsorted matters, like that...

[katiegrl]

I still don't understand this mentality Jen.

 

The person that needs to "face their fear" is the one who faded out. What Jay says about it being a waste of time, is 100% true. If the person was going to be honest, they wouldn't have faded out in the first place. So even if you do eventually get a response, it will either be a lame excuse or some compliment filled cliche. So is it really worth the time or effort to have your intelligence insulted?

 

I realize your post was directed to jen, but did you read my post 33?

 

I was "that* girl who pulled back.....what you would have referred to as fading.

 

My guy, who turned out to be my second long term boyfriend, cared enough to find out why, so he asked me, respectfully, what was up.

 

I told him the truth, that I was feeling insecure and uncertain as to how HE felt, as we had just started to have sex, and at times felt he acted a bit aloof.

 

So being 26, young, insecure, noit that confident, a little too vulnerable, I chose to pull back....not my proudest moment as if that happened now, I would have talked to HIM about it instead of pulling back.

 

Anyway....it is what it is......so how did he respond? By assuring me he DID care, very much, and we were together four years after that ....

 

Do you know how many people I know who have run into someone they dated years prior.... and one asks the other "hey, why did you stop calling?"

 

And the other responds "Wha? I didn't think you cared!!

 

And the other responds back "hey, I didn't think YOU cared!"

 

So silly.....both too afraid at the time to take a freaking risk, pick up the damn phone in an attempt to find out what the hell was going on...

 

THAT is fear....

[jen1447]

I still don't understand this mentality Jen.

 

The person that needs to "face their fear" is the one who faded out. What Jay says about it being a waste of time, is 100% true. If the person was going to be honest, they wouldn't have faded out in the first place. So even if you do eventually get a response, it will either be a lame excuse or some compliment filled cliche. So is it really worth the time or effort to have your intelligence insulted?

 

You're partly looking at this from the perspective of the fader, which the OP certainly isn't doing, and those of us advocating for finding out are looking at it from his perspective. We don't particularly care about the fader in this context.

 

Here's the basics: OP has an unanswered question looming over him - "is she losing interest/fading out?" There is one way to get an answer to that question - ask. Some suggest that asking will only bring heartache and that not asking will shield you from the heartache-inducing truth. That's operating from a position of fear, with fear of x being the primary motivator. Rather than let yourself be motivated by fear, some of us are suggesting the tack of facing those fears and overcoming them - and getting the answers you seek, possibly - by asking the questions. That's motivation from a need and thru action, generally a much more healthy thing than being held prisoner by fear and/or apprehension.

 

"So even if you do eventually get a response, it will either be a lame excuse or some compliment filled cliche." - you have no way of knowing that. He could very well get the truth, or very well not get it, or anything in between on the spectrum. I've never deliberately faded on anyone but I've had an unintentional lessening of interest bring about a tangible lack of enthusiasm, which partners have then asked about and which I've always been absolutely honest about in my answers.

 

As Versacehottie pointed out, what you're after here in the basic sense is an answer to "is the relationship ok or is it in trouble," not a laundry list of grievances and a debate about each of them.

[aloneinaz]

I truly believe in intuition. If the OP believe she's losing interest ... he's better letting her get away with it.

 

however if she's doing same ol' things, if she acts just as enthusiastic during the dates just being less present when out of touch - calling less often, responding less quickly etc - and if the OP genuinely likes her, he could reach out to her. Maybe it's the mid year review, she is filling in for a colleague, she's PMSing, whatever. Loads of things that can occupy a person's head space, there may be chances she's either not aware of her behavior or maybe thinking the OP won't care either way. Some women who get in non commitmental RS prefer to leave first, especially if they feel that their partner is not invested - wrongly or correctly.

 

but if the OP aims "to call her out" for doing the fade, out of spite or hurt pride, it's a waste of time. Just let it be, OP. There's plenty other where this one came from. As az was putting it, you can only have a successful RS when your partner is just as interested in you and invested in the RS as you are.

 

The beginnings are supposed to be beautiful, the two are supposed to always want to be together, it's supposed to flow naturally, effortlessly...

 

it doesn't matter how many dates you've had. It doesn't matter if you've had sex. You two were not exclusive. I say "take the hint and cross her out of your mental list. Next".

 

That's well stated. When you first start dating, both parties are on their best behavior like when you first start a new job. It should be easy, natural. Folks know that dating isn't easy and most hate stupid games. If a couple hit it off and are dating and sleeping together, there shouldn't be a SUDDEN reason for someone to suddenly start to fade. Ok, maybe once but if they suddenly start taking much longer to reply to texts/calls and suddenly stop instigating contact, they are either fading, playing games or don't want to date you anymore. They wouldn't do ANY of those things no matter how busy their lives were.

 

 

When I start dating someone I really like and we've reached the stage of having sex, the last thing I'm going to do is potentially jeopardize the building relationship by not being timely in responses to communication, not instigating contact or showing ANYTHING that could potentially show this person I wasn't thrilled to be seeing her.

[writergal]

But what does it accomplish to ask her a question you already suspect the answer to? That's not operated out of fear? If someone is so immature that they have to fade out, essentially disappear from your life with no explanation, why the hell would you chase after that person to find out why they left? Who cares. They left without telling you why. So, you chasing after them is futile at best, because it means you're hung up on why they disappeared and you still want validation and attention from them for some strange reason.

 

People who want to end things, who are mature adults, will stay and tell the person why they want to break up. They won't run away. I dated a guy who would storm off and disappear for days after we'd argue. That is passive-aggressive control on his part, trying to control the situation. I got fed up with that b.s. and told him so. I don't want to waste my time dating a man who can't communicate their emotional feelings with me. It's so infantile to fade out on a person, so cowardly. And it's futile to chase after that coward for an answer because they aren't going to give you the closure you want.

 

Closure comes from yourself, not from the other person. A guy I communicated with via online dating called me every day, texted me every day. But he refused to meet me in person and then simply stopped communicating with me once I told him we had to meet or I'm done. He faked me out several times, promising to meet and then canceling the day of. So, by some people's standards, I'm operating from a place of fear because I didn't chase after this idiot to find out why he never wanted to meet me in person? I asked him several times and he never said he didn't want to meet me in person. So I have no idea what his real reason was, nor do I care.

 

So what I'm saying OP, if you're dying to know if this person is still interested then go ahead and ask but don't expect them to tell you the truth. When people suddenly fade out/stop communicating it's because they lost interest. What other reason is there? Ones that they make up, of course to keep you on a short string.

[katiegrl]

That's well stated. When you first start dating, both parties are on their best behavior like when you first start a new job. It should be easy, natural. Folks know that dating isn't easy and most hate stupid games. If a couple hit it off and are dating and sleeping together, there shouldn't be a SUDDEN reason for someone to suddenly start to fade. Ok, maybe once but if they suddenly start taking much longer to reply to texts/calls and suddenly stop instigating contact, they are either fading, playing games or don't want to date you anymore. They wouldn't do ANY of those things no matter how busy their lives were.

 

 

When I start dating someone I really like and we've reached the stage of having sex, the last thing I'm going to do is potentially jeopardize the building relationship by not being timely in responses to communication, not instigating contact or showing ANYTHING that could potentially show this person I wasn't thrilled to be seeing her.

 

True...but at the same time, uncertainty and misunderstandings are also quite common ... especially in the beginning as both people are still getting to know each other and *are* fearful of behaving in ways they believe would *turn the other off*.... or *losing their dignity*. Like asking what's up when faced with behavior that is confusing, or leaves them wondering.

 

So in attempt to manage their emotions and uncertainty, they do nothing...and what started out as a promising and budding relationship suddenly goes poof!

Edited July 3, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

 

****But what does it accomplish to ask her a question you already suspect the answer to? ****

 

 

That's not operated out of fear? If someone is so immature that they have to fade out, essentially disappear from your life with no explanation, why the hell would you chase after that person to find out why they left? Who cares. They left without telling you why. So, you chasing after them is futile at best, because it means you're hung up on why they disappeared and you still want validation and attention from them for some strange reason.

 

People who want to end things, who are mature adults, will stay and tell the person why they want to break up. They won't run away. I dated a guy who would storm off and disappear for days after we'd argue. That is passive-aggressive control on his part, trying to control the situation. I got fed up with that b.s. and told him so. I don't want to waste my time dating a man who can't communicate their emotional feelings with me. It's so infantile to fade out on a person, so cowardly. And it's futile to chase after that coward for an answer because they aren't going to give you the closure you want.

 

Closure comes from yourself, not from the other person. A guy I communicated with via online dating called me every day, texted me every day. But he refused to meet me in person and then simply stopped communicating with me once I told him we had to meet or I'm done. He faked me out several times, promising to meet and then canceling the day of. So, by some people's standards, I'm operating from a place of fear because I didn't chase after this idiot to find out why he never wanted to meet me in person? I asked him several times and he never said he didn't want to meet me in person. So I have no idea what his real reason was, nor do I care.

 

So what I'm saying OP, if you're dying to know if this person is still interested then go ahead and ask but don't expect them to tell you the truth. When people suddenly fade out/stop communicating it's because they lost interest. What other reason is there? Ones that they make up, of course to keep you on a short string.

 

WG, quote in asterisk..... you are *suspecting* they are fading because they have lost interest which is NOT always the case...as has been repeated in this thread ad nauseum.....

 

And what are you basing this suspicion on? A few unreturned text messages? Really?

 

Or perhaps you are basing it on past experience with other women (or men) who have faded on you?

 

If it's the latter, then you are allowing your past negative experiences to control your present... which won't get you anywhere 90% of the time.

 

Yes there is such a thing as learning from mistakes in the past.... however asking a chick (or a guy) what's up when you are confused... and they ultimately do reject you, would hardly be deemed a mistake.

 

Stalking them and acting like a crazed lunatic after being rejected would be a mistake. Not asking them what's up.

 

And by asking, you might be surprised to learn they did not lose interest at all....that they pulled back for other reasons, which have also been discussed in this thread.

Edited July 3, 2015 by katiegrl

[ccpp]

I ran into someone I faded on 7 years ago and we ran into each other again but neither one of us remember why we stopped talking. lol

[aloneinaz]

True...but at the same time, uncertainty and misunderstandings are also quite common ... especially in the beginning as both people are still getting to know each other and *are* fearful of behaving in ways they believe would *turn the other off*.... or *losing their dignity*. Like asking what's up when faced with behavior that is confusing, or leaves them wondering.

 

So in attempt to manage their emotions and uncertainty, they do nothing...and what started out as a promising and budding relationship suddenly goes poof!

 

 

To writer gals point, if someone wants to play games or is too immature to have a conversation with the other over something and chose's to fade, then she's not someone I want to have a relationship with anyway.

[KatZee]

I just had the fade pulled on me about two weeks ago from a dude I was talking to for almost 2 months, and who I hooked up with.

 

I fully expect to never hear from a guy I didn't click with on the first or second date. But after more than a handful of dates, and hooking up, I feel like it is the responsibility of the person not feeling it to grow up, grow a sack, bite the bullet and end things properly.

 

The fade out is the most cowardly, immature, disrespectful, selfish, and frankly to me, anyone who does this has the emotional capacity of a jellyfish.

 

To literally treat someone, and to essentially tell that person that they are nothing more than a piece of s_h!t or garbage they can just throw out when ever they are done playing with them is disgusting.

 

I have no respect for people like this. I don't care what's going on, a simple, "Hey, I just don't think i see this going any further" is a lot more humane and kinder than to just turn into a ghost.

 

Instead, we have idiots (of both genders) who feel like this is OK, and that because we're in the 21st century and in the digital, instant gratification, grass is greener syndrome society, that people are disposable, just upgrade to the next.

 

People don't treat people like humans anymore. It's really sad. And then it causes the person they did it to, to stop trusting others, and then it continues the cycle of dysfunction between both genders.

 

Long rant, but there is literally no excuse ever to not have consideration for someone you were dating/sleeping with.

[katiegrl]

To writer gals point, if someone wants to play games or is too immature to have a conversation with the other over something and chose's to fade, then she's not someone I want to have a relationship with anyway.

 

You know what? That is a good point, and if I were dating a guy and HE felt insecure or whatevs, and pulled back instead of discussing it with me...I would feel the same as you!!

 

Assuming I had not done anything to warrant his insecurity.

 

So the OP might want to take a good hard look at how he behaved with this woman.....and if there is anything he thinks he may have done that would warrant her feeling insecure and uncertain, and he cares enough, he may want to make that call.

 

If, on the other hand, if he has been consistent and behaved in ways that conveyed his interest, then okay, move on.

 

But thank you for making that point! :bunny:

[TunaInTheBrine]

So, I called her a little while ago to see what was up and got the **** you button. I left a voicemail saying I was thinking about her, haven't heard from her, and wondering how she's doing. So far, no response.

 

Strange. Last time she was over she was all over me, gave me a deep kiss before she left, and said she would be back in touch with me early next week to get together again.

 

I assume she found someone else or who knows what.

 

But yeah, the thing that irks me the most is (and this is not exclusive to her) how people are so casual about ****ing each other over, no explanations. I just think it's such low character. Like anything else, the more it spreads culturally, the more 'acceptable' it becomes. This is why I do not want to be passive and just say "oh well" all blase about the whole thing. It's not about the girl (I'm never lost for a date when I want one). It's about respect, and it's not okay. People need to start holding each other to higher standards. Flame me all you want. My two cents.

[candie13]

silence speaks louder than a 1000 words.

 

on top of this, there's also a matter of something basic, such as respect: if I am not worthy the curtesy of regular contact, worse, if my date starts to keep me hanging and play mind games on me... well, then they're not worthy of my time and attention in the first place. Irrelevant of the good times and potential emotional investment. Some guys do this to provoke girls, to make them chase and thus gain the upper hand . Or maybe doing this to add some spice in the dating game. Who the hell knows what it is that they are looking for.

 

One thing's for sure: if they had felt you were worthy, if they had felt the connection, if they had trusted you, they would have confronted you first and then decided their next move.

 

They didn't. There's the value of the RS right there. In front of you.