Tales from a Married Man

[EH6]

Good question as to why I posted here. I guess just to get some real life opinions from those that have been on the both sides of the fence.

 

I may have developed feelings for the OW but that was probably always going to happen. Babs found it a little offensive when I stated I probably wouldn't date this woman if single. What I meant by that is I don't think living day in day out would probably work. What we have now is more of a fantasy bubble and logic is out the window.

 

It is more than sex, there is intimacy and a strong attraction. This is part of meeting someone new I guess. For me this is all uncharted water, I have never been involved with anyone else while being married.

 

As for Darkmoons jab about not knowing what it's like to look after a child. You don't know me or how much I look after my daughter. I actually look after her more than my wife does. And yes she does babysit while I'm out screwing.

[Tayla]

She parents while you are out misbehaving .

 

Big difference.

 

anyways, you seem to have justified your choices.

[ThatsJustHowIRoll]

Good question as to why I posted here. I guess just to get some real life opinions from those that have been on the both sides of the fence.

 

I may have developed feelings for the OW but that was probably always going to happen. Babs found it a little offensive when I stated I probably wouldn't date this woman if single. What I meant by that is I don't think living day in day out would probably work. What we have now is more of a fantasy bubble and logic is out the window.

 

It is more than sex, there is intimacy and a strong attraction. This is part of meeting someone new I guess. For me this is all uncharted water, I have never been involved with anyone else while being married.

 

As for Darkmoons jab about not knowing what it's like to look after a child. You don't know me or how much I look after my daughter. I actually look after her more than my wife does. And yes she does babysit while I'm out screwing.

Maybe try this:

 

Next time you're at home caring after your daughter, try and imagine your wife is out with another man. Someone with whom there is a "strong attraction". Imagine she is having "more than sex" with someone other than you. Intimacy. Someone use has developed feeling for, as they have bonded through this mutual attraction. Imagine her in the throes of ecstasy with someone who isn't you....

While you are the schlep siting at home 'babysitting' while she does it.

 

Just picture it...it's called empathy.

[still_an_Angel]

Good question as to why I posted here. I guess just to get some real life opinions from those that have been on the both sides of the fence.

 

I may have developed feelings for the OW but that was probably always going to happen. Babs found it a little offensive when I stated I probably wouldn't date this woman if single. What I meant by that is I don't think living day in day out would probably work. What we have now is more of a fantasy bubble and logic is out the window.

 

It is more than sex, there is intimacy and a strong attraction. This is part of meeting someone new I guess. For me this is all uncharted water, I have never been involved with anyone else while being married.

 

As for Darkmoons jab about not knowing what it's like to look after a child. You don't know me or how much I look after my daughter. I actually look after her more than my wife does. And yes she does babysit while I'm out screwing.

 

 

Read away at different threads on here, there are so many stories, each of us are in different situations. I still think you're looking for something specific that you haven't voiced so posters are just giving general opinions coz you haven't really asked a specific question.

 

 

As I've said before, this may be the OW/OM section but even the OWs wouldn't advise being in this situation. Its fraught with pain and heartache so we try to steer others in the right path. (Yeah I should take my own advise but I'm still in my A so I can't talk). I think your A is still new-ish, its probably easier for you to walk away now if you want your M to work.

 

 

Best of luck however way it goes for you.

[loveboid]

I'm hearing it's hard to be with a spouse who you feel doesn't want you that much. Your OW wants you passionately.

 

It takes time to get to know someone. That is the number one conclusion and recommendation of a study of long-married couples. Maybe you didn't take enough time to get to know your wife before marriage and that is contributing to this problem of lack of passion? Maybe you need to take that time now with her or with OW?

 

It seems to me you want someone to want you. Who do you want?

 

I recommend the book When Good People Have Affairs to help you figure out what you want if that's the question here or at least learn more about your situation.

[dreamingoftigers]

Maybe try this:

 

Next time you're at home caring after your daughter, try and imagine your wife is out with another man. Someone with whom there is a "strong attraction". Imagine she is having "more than sex" with someone other than you. Intimacy. Someone use has developed feeling for, as they have bonded through this mutual attraction. Imagine her in the throes of ecstasy with someone who isn't you....

While you are the schlep siting at home 'babysitting' while she does it.

 

Just picture it...it's called empathy.

 

Better yet, while you are watching your young one, try explaining to your daughter why she wasn't worth not risking her family, stability and future.

 

My husband who has plenty of his own issues, including stepping out (not due to lack of willingness to have sex on my behalf) has been getting his round of questions as to "why he has to go" and "why don't you live here?"

From our six year old.

 

I never bash him to her. She's smart enough to pick up on the fact that this is a bunch of BS, and she is not shy to ask him about it. She also isn't shy about not wanting to be around him when she is upset with his BS.

 

(This incident happened a couple of months ago). He told her he would visit "in a couple of days." Well, instead he didn't call her, didn't take her calls and didn't visit. Next week he called her and asked if she wanted to talk. She said "NO I'm not talking to him until he's back!" And she meant it.

 

Instead of waiting for these fun questions to arrive, you can really jump the shark here and explain to your kid, ahead of time, why you'll have to suddenly move, why Mommy is so sad, why you aren't going to be available to her and why some other lady is either harassing the family and/or you are going to go live with her.

 

Your kid didn't ask to come her. You helped bring her here. Time to get on the grow-up train.

 

Set your boundaries with your wife. But more importantly, set them with yourself. Are you wiling to accept a sexless marriage? Apparently not. So your choices are pretty obvious here:

 

a) Divorce

b) continue this affair, which will eventually serve you with consequences that are out of your control

c) talk about an open marriage with your wife

d) learn how to be celibate

e) seek counseling (marital and/or personal would be of benefit)

f) Sit down with your wife, tell her what you need, ask her what she needs. REALLY LISTEN. If you do not know HOW to listen: just google "How to Listen." Seriously. Maybe people don't know how to listen.

 

And please, the whole "my wife knew it wasn't a joke." Please. That is so passive-aggressive it makes me want to barf.

 

Google passive-aggressive while you are at it. And conflict-avoidant.

 

If you can't stand up for your own wants and needs, how is your wife supposed to take your seriously.

 

"Honest with the OW" priceless. You know, you can be honest with wives too.

 

Run your marriage like a business you have a heavy investment in. Know when to buy in and when to cut your losses. Don't cook the books. You'll get busted.

[SolG]

To me the big unanswered question is, 'Why is your W not having sex with you and why don't you know?'. Answer both dimensions of that and you may be onto something.

 

There is this big illusion that Corinthians is true; that love is selfless and kind. But the reality is that it's all quid pro quo in a relationship. You will reap what you sow regardless of the level of consciousness involved in the sowing.

 

The fiction is that we do not seek to hurt those we love; but the reality is that we (unconsciously or otherwise) retaliate in kind when those we love hurt us. They are afterall gifted (by us) with the means to do so. With our love, our trust, our vulnerability.

 

Your W is hurting you with her rejection, and you are retaliating with your infidelity.

 

Why?

[gettingstronger]

And yes she does babysit while I'm out screwing.

 

 

 

No one babysits their own child but anyway- point being- any time away from your child to engage in this activity that could negatively impact her life is unacceptable-no matter how much you try to justify it- my husband learned that the hard way- we are reconciling and we try to keep it from our boys as much as possible, but the toll on them from the changed dynamic in our family haunts him- when I put two and two together sometimes the times he was with her on his business trips we were in the middle of a family crisis here (yes, he would have been away any how for work)- it kills him to know that while he and I were talking about whatever was going on with the kids, she was sitting there sulking because he was talking with me, and of course then he would soothe her after and that makes him ill to think about-

[Popsicle]

He loves or respects neither woman and never will.

[gettingstronger]

He loves or respects neither woman and never will.

 

 

 

I have to agree here- I think when you get to the point where you think and post about your affair yet do nothing about it you are acknowledging this-

not sure if that came out right or not- but when in therapy when questions are raised my husband says, I never really that that far out or thought about this or that.... if he acknowledged he actually put some thought in to the ramifications of what he was doing and then decided he was OK with the fall out that would be a whole other issue to deal with-

 

Kind of like when OW come here for support because they just are starting to realize the damage they are doing to themselves-its like, you can not judge too much on the past actions because they are just coming to grips with it but you can talk about current and future actions based on their realizations- KWIM?

 

In short he is saying- I am hurting two (or more) people- I realize that now, but I am not going to do anything about it-

[Popsicle]

I have to agree here- I think when you get to the point where you think and post about your affair yet do nothing about it you are acknowledging this-

not sure if that came out right or not- but when in therapy when questions are raised my husband says, I never really that that far out or thought about this or that.... if he acknowledged he actually put some thought in to the ramifications of what he was doing and then decided he was OK with the fall out that would be a whole other issue to deal with-

 

Kind of like when OW come here for support because they just are starting to realize the damage they are doing to themselves-its like, you can not judge too much on the past actions because they are just coming to grips with it but you can talk about current and future actions based on their realizations- KWIM?

 

In short he is saying- I am hurting two (or more) people- I realize that now, but I am not going to do anything about it-

 

Yes. He is stuck.

 

I wouldn't believe anything he said from here on out, as it would seem insincere and like saving face or saving his a**.

[gettingstronger]

Yes. He is stuck.

 

I wouldn't believe anything he said from here on out, as it would seem insincere and like saving face or saving his a**.

 

 

 

Right- as they say, when you know better you do better- thats all anyone can ask of another- but when you know better and you do nothing, its a shame, especially when it hurts others-

[Popsicle]

To play the other side (which I can see) When you have 1 spouse who thinks and behaves as if marriage consists only of a framework to create and take care of children, then the OP only has to fulfill his duty in creating and take care of children too. Everything and anything else needed is up for grabs.

[Popsicle]

Good question as to why I posted here. I guess just to get some real life opinions from those that have been on the both sides of the fence.

 

I may have developed feelings for the OW but that was probably always going to happen. Babs found it a little offensive when I stated I probably wouldn't date this woman if single. What I meant by that is I don't think living day in day out would probably work. What we have now is more of a fantasy bubble and logic is out the window.

 

It is more than sex, there is intimacy and a strong attraction. This is part of meeting someone new I guess. For me this is all uncharted water, I have never been involved with anyone else while being married.

I was offended by what you said too.

The bottom line is you are hurting the OW no matter which way you slice it. You know this. It's why you've posted here and not the infidelity section. Let her go.

[Popsicle]

EH6, let us know how the talk with the OW goes this weekend.

[norudder]

You are using her. Even if she says its ok, do you really want to be a man who uses people? Intentionally? You are looking for external solutions to an internal problem. Get a counselor if you can't face what's really going on by yourself. Tell the ow now that you know her a little better you respect who she is too much to continue putting her in this situation and you need to get your own respect back by stopping the a.

[gettingstronger]

To play the other side (which I can see) When you have 1 spouse who thinks and behaves as if marriage consists only of a framework to create and take care of children, then the OP only has to fulfill his duty in creating and take care of children too. Everything and anything else needed is up for grabs.

 

 

 

Honesty is never up for grabs-

[Try]

She has promised me that should would never do anything to mess up my home life or hurt me and I believe her.

You believe the other woman ("OW") that she "would never do anything to mess up" your home life, just like your wife believes you when you lie to her about where you have been when you are with the OW. That does not make it true now does it? In cheater speak your affair partner is telling you that should she want more, she will make sure that your wife finds out about the affair in a way that will allow the OW plausible deniability that she had anything to do with it.

[Popsicle]

Honesty is never up for grabs-

 

One spouse feels honesty is nonnegotiable. The other spouse feels sex and intimacy is nonnegotiable. Who is right?

 

When one shows that the others values are not important, then the other responds in kind.

[purplesorrow]

To play the other side (which I can see) When you have 1 spouse who thinks and behaves as if marriage consists only of a framework to create and take care of children, then the OP only has to fulfill his duty in creating and take care of children too. Everything and anything else needed is up for grabs.

 

They have been married 12 years and have a one year old. How is that a marriage based on raising kids? What about the other 11?

[Popsicle]

They have been married 12 years and have a one year old. How is that a marriage based on raising kids? What about the other 11?

 

They clearly have issues.

[darkbloom]

EH, just some food for thought.

 

Imagine in a some years, you walk your daughter down the aisle. You give her away to a man who promises to love her and cherish her in sickness and in health etc. After a few years, your daughter comes to you hysterically upset because her H had an affair. Would you not be very upset with her H regardless of his reasons and justifications? You would.

 

Now imagine that your daughter's husband does cheat on her. And she DOESN'T come to you for comfort because she realized that her father and her husband were the same cheating and lying person. Very sobering thought.

 

You are in a cycle of hurt and pain that will be very difficult to stop. Please consider your actions and the consequences before this spirals out of your control.

[whenisitenough]

...She has promised me that should would never do anything to mess up my home life or hurt me and I believe her.

 

Deep down I know this is wrong, but it feels so right.

 

Yes. Sounds like you are having a fun time.

 

But, how can she promise she'd never mess up your home when she already has?

 

A true friend cares for you and your family. A true friend would tell you to go back home, try to make amends and be honest about the consequences. A true friend would not give into your short term pleasures with the risk of you losing the wife you 'love'.. Why would you want to get involved with a cheat. Either one day your wife finds out and leaves you or you end up with the OW and nay wonder when you'll get cheated on. After all you already know what type of "friend ' this other person is.

[whenisitenough]

The women in your life (W and OW) are disposable commodities to you. You are treating them both like less than human beings. Your W is wrong to not fulfill your needs because she made a vow to do so, but you cheating her is not the answer. Your W deserves to know that she is sharing her husband with another woman. She needs to be able to make choices about staying married to you and know that a third person has entered into her M. What you are doing is cruel to your W. And while you say the OW came into the A with her eyes wide open, it's really unfair to her that you see her as only a s*x machine. Ending your M would be more honorable than what you are doing. Divorce isn't as bad for some ppl. My best friend divorced her DH because of cheating years ago and she had two young children. She is happily divorced and has a new man and her children are thriving and doing well.

 

Great points. I'd add if you really care about your child, you should want to instill confidence by giving a loving, trusting environment. You probably don't want to hear or believe this but Kids are more aware that we think and can sense when things are not right.

 

It is unfair to three people, the OW and all your family.

[Mr. Lucky]

Babs I wanted to address your post and fill you in on the details. I had a real heart to heart with my OW near the start and was as clear as I could.

 

I have never understood this "honor amongst thieves" principle when it comes to infidelity.

 

Even though you're lying to, cheating on and deceiving the person in your main relationship, you make an agreement to be straight and honest with each other during the affair?

 

And you both believe this will work ???

 

Mr. Lucky