Tales from a Married Man

[Quiet Storm]

I'm off to bed now and appreciate the feedback sincerely. It has given me a lot to think about and debate. My posts look like I'm trying to blame the wife for my actions. That is unfair and untrue. Every choice I have made, I have made willingly. I don't feel good about any of this right now, and have a lot to think about.

 

 

It does sound like you are trying to blame her. It's up to both spouses to meet each other's needs, but cheating is a conflict avoider's way to get what they want. It's not a mature way to deal with marriage problems. Two wrongs don't make a right, & your wife's sexual neglect shouldn't make your conscience & integrity disappear.

 

No matter how much you say "these are my choices & I made them willingly", your other comments contradict that. During an argument, you told your wife that if you do cheat, it's not all on you. That's a conflict avoider's way of saying "I'm going to cheat & it's your fault", but you won't keep it real & tell your wife that. Another example of this is "jokingly" saying that you want an open marriage, & assuming she knows it's not really a joke. Again, that's conflict avoidance- skirting the issue, dropping little clues, making "jokes" that you can point to later & say "See, I told you what would happen". You are doing the same thing with the OW, telling her you're never leaving so that when she falls in love with you, you can say "Welp, I warned ya!"

 

Instead of really considering both of these women's feelings and how your behavior will affect them, you are focused on your needs only, and how you can make this "OK" in your mind. Whether you realize it or not, you are giving yourself permission to be a cheater by thinking things like "She should've known" or "What did she think would happen?" With your OW, you are also absolving yourself by thinking "I told her I'm not leaving". It's how you justify your actions in your mind, and it's how you allow yourself to keep having sex and fostering this connection with the OW.

 

When someone's actions don't match up with their values or beliefs, they tell themselves lies because they want to keep doing the wrong thing but don't want to feel like a horrible person. You say that you own your choices and know that what you are doing is wrong, but when you keep on doing it, your actions- not your words, tell the tale.

 

When a woman loses her sexual desire, in most cases it's just not important to her. It falls off her radar. She won't think about it, she won't miss it, she won't really feel like anything's "wrong". For her, sex is just one little piece of your relationship, and if she is content without much sex, then you can live without it, too, right? She's not right in thinking that, but IMO, she didn't realize the gravity of the situation or that you would choose to deal with a lack of sex by cheating.

 

It sounds like you have tried to get her to go to the doctor, you have been patient, you have tried massages, etc. But when none of that worked, you should've just kept it real with her- "Look, I'm not happy because my sexual needs are not being met. I've been patient and have tried to tell you how important this is to me, but nothing is changing. I decided to sign up for a website to look for someone in a similar situation. This way, I can get my needs met & you can stop having duty sex"

 

When you are straight up like that, she can't minimize it in her mind to be no big deal. She must confront the fact that 1) her marriage will end 2) her husband will cheat or 3) she must seriously and genuinely address her issues with sex, acknowledge how important a sexual connection is to you and try to meet your needs. If it gets brushed under the rug again, then say you want a divorce or an open marriage.

 

You should leave OW alone because even if you give her the "this is just sex" disclaimer, it's still likely that she will develop feelings and expectations. She is a variable you cannot control, and you shouldn't involve her in your dysfunction.

Edited June 30, 2015 by Quiet Storm

[Grapesofwrath]

My ExH will tell anyone who will listen that I would not be intimate. That I refused sex and had to be badgered into it. It was all me. And it was. I did not feel secure with him. I didn't feel comfortable with him. I was constantly on guard from his mood swings and angry with how he treated me. Not a good recipe for hot and heavy sex. I found every excuse in the book to avoid the bedroom with him. I admit it. It was me.

 

And as much as I dreaded him coming home, finding out he had been cheating on me almost destroyed me. Weird.

 

I suggest counseling. Because you may think it is all her, but your W may have a completely different story.

 

A perspective: When I was married (unhappily), I loathed having sex with my husband. Dreaded it. Would do anything to avoid it. Not because I am not a sexual person (as I discovered much to my relief after divorce). But because I was so filled with resentment. I felt like an indentured servant: earn the money, clean the house, care for the children, cook the food, buy the groceries, do the laundry, expect no acknowledgement or word of thanks. These were the real issues, not a lack of interest in sex. I had absolutely no desire to share my body with someone who demonstrated daily a complete lack of respect, understanding, sensitivity and appreciation for everything I did for the family. My ex-husband complained about not getting enough sex, and I would attempt to explain my feelings. He would respond with an eye roll or a list of his own complaints.

 

Not saying this is the case for your marriage. But just a thought. Maybe your wife is not so happy with you, either.

[sandylee1]

Come on be fair, she has the choice to end it too. I never twisted this woman's arm, or even lied to her. She's in this with her eyes wide open.

 

You didn't twist her arm I agree , but when people fall in love and feel used, you could see a side of the OW, you never knew existed.

 

Telling your wife is just one of the things that could happen .

There's much worse and you need to be aware of the potential consequences. Considering she's not someone you'd want to be with if single , you'll ask yourself if this affair was really worth it.

 

Bear in mind it may not be the OW who tells your wife. I know someone who had a stranger approach and tell the BW that her sister was in love with the BWs husband and they'd been in an affair for 2 years. Women usually confide in someone.

 

Everything is great for you until you get caught .............think seriously how this could end for you.

[EH6]

I've had time to reflect and read all your responses. Deep down I know this is wrong, not even deep down, I just know this is wrong. I will never openly tell my W about this, I just won't, not an option I will take. Yes it is high likely she will find out, and that's something I'll deal with when/if it happens.

 

Divorcing my W is not something I want to do. I'm sure you all find it hard to believe I love her, but I do. We are a great team together and get on really well. The OW I also have feelings for. She's not just used for sex and I've laid it out that she's worth more than this.

 

I have a lot of thinking and talking to do. I need to get to the bottom of this with my wife.

[whichwayisup]

I've had time to reflect and read all your responses. Deep down I know this is wrong, not even deep down, I just know this is wrong. I will never openly tell my W about this, I just won't, not an option I will take. Yes it is high likely she will find out, and that's something I'll deal with when/if it happens.

 

Divorcing my W is not something I want to do. I'm sure you all find it hard to believe I love her, but I do. We are a great team together and get on really well. The OW I also have feelings for. She's not just used for sex and I've laid it out that she's worth more than this.

I have a lot of thinking and talking to do. I need to get to the bottom of this with my wife.

 

Then end your affair with your OW. Keeping her on the side isn't fair to her and also whatever you now feel towards your wife is being stolen/taken from the OW. Your sexual desire, emotional attachment is directed to the wrong person...... How on earth can you even talk to your wife, try to reconnect when the OW is waiting in the wings? That just confuses you and makes things much worse than it has to be. End your A if you truly plan on working out things with your wife.

[bentleychic]

I love my wife but don't feel I can go on without any passion or sex.

 

I couldn't/wouldn't, either, but would advise stopping the affair and leaving, then pursuing what you need to. Sexual intimacy and compatibility are huge to me and I would not remain in a marriage without it. It's NOT just about the sex, either. There's a huge connection, etc. that goes along with it.

 

Good luck deciding, but please end it with one or the other. You may make yourself feel better saying you didn't make the OW any promises, but honestly it really doesn't make a lot of difference to her heart.

[jwi71]

OP,

 

What are you hoping to accomplish here?

What, exactly are you looking to LS for...because you have, basically, a few paths in front of you:

 

Broadly put, end the A or do not. If you end the A, are you staying M or getting a D to pursue the OW? If continuing the A there is precious little I can offer - as A's are, be definition, unhealthy - and I will not participate in a thread that encourages unhealthy behavior.

 

No matter path you choose you will hurt - and it is of your own creation. The only question regarding pain is who else do you wish to cut? And actually, that's not even true for you have already cut everyone - they just don't know it yet. Yes, you have hurt your wife, your child, your in-laws, likely your own parents (unless they condone betrayal) - the hurt will radiate into corners of your life you cannot imagine. To be fair, most people don't see it until the bus has hit them. To give you an idea of how it hits and hurts, read the infidelity side. But for the love of Pete do NOT post there. You will be quickly eviscerated. You have, IME on this board, been treated with kid gloves.

 

I must also commend you for actually posting. Most MM do not and those that do typically regret it fairly quickly per the above. Its hard to justify betrayal. To blame your W (as you have), to lead the OW on (which you likely have) and certainly your friends, family (extended and nuclear) and so on and so forth.

 

I am not sure what goal you seek...so its hard to provide guidance.

 

If you wish to end the A and stay M, you have years of IC and MC ahead of you. You also MUST confess. I know you say you won't - I'm also willing to bet there was at some point in time a man who swore to never cheat on his W (you literally swore tha - in all likelihood). If you wish to pursue the OW that too is simple. File for D, move out and begin dating in earnest - in 3 years. Because you need to work on YOU, settle your D and adapt to your new life before dragging your OW in deeper.

 

If you want to get advice on how to continue your A - I cannot help. Your behavior, though you convince yourself otherwise, is detrimental to your health, your family, the OW and virtually everyone else in your orbit.

 

So OP...what are you looking for here?

[still_an_Angel]

I've had time to reflect and read all your responses. Deep down I know this is wrong, not even deep down, I just know this is wrong. I will never openly tell my W about this, I just won't, not an option I will take. Yes it is high likely she will find out, and that's something I'll deal with when/if it happens.

 

Divorcing my W is not something I want to do. I'm sure you all find it hard to believe I love her, but I do. We are a great team together and get on really well. The OW I also have feelings for. She's not just used for sex and I've laid it out that she's worth more than this.

 

I have a lot of thinking and talking to do. I need to get to the bottom of this with my wife.

 

 

 

You won't tell her about this, you refuse to talk to her about this. But this is what the problem is. Yes you do have a lot of thinking to do, but talking?

[Gloria25]

I took a sneak peak at this thread and thank God I am not a married man and will never get to be one...

 

Gotta love how the "sisterhood" comes out to bash the guy. Everything is his fault. Wifey won't have sex with him and/or show any interest anymore? Well, he probably did something to tee her off. He needed to "get over" it. "He" (forget "her") made vows. Shoot, where in the vows said women were supposed to alienate their husbands need for respect, attention and/or affection?

 

Look, yep having a OW can get complicated, but no fair to be starved in a marriage...if you're gonna keep the OW, just thread carefully.

[violet1]

OP, I have a suggestion that probably won't be too popular, but I base my opinion specifically to a poster's situation. Why don't you sit down and SERIOUSLY talk to your wife about opening up your marriage?

 

 

Some people don't enjoy sex. Maybe your wife is asexual? Or maybe she needs to see a doctor to get your hormones checked? I believe you when you state that you love her. I'm willing to bet you're only cheating because of lack of sex. Not everyone cheats because of unhappiness. Some people cheat because they like variety and the chase. Some people cheat because they are legitimately in sexless marriages and crave physical contact. Sexless marriages also include relationships that sex only happens a handful of times per year. It sounds like that's where you're at.

 

 

In your case, I really think an open marriage is the way to go. You and your wife can discuss rules and boundaries. At least this way you can live an honest life. It sounds cruel, but if you refuse to have sex with your spouse, the chances of infidelity coming to play is likely to happen. Being sex starved can make a person become desperate and do things they normally wouldn't do. It know it sounds horrible, but it's a reality. I don't know how many stories I've read from men who are struggling with sexless marriages. They love their wives, they want to keep their family together so they go after NSA type of affairs instead of divorcing. This is NOT justification to cheat though, but I do understand why you've chosen to stray. For a lot of people, it's the and sneaking around that hurts most. It's time for you to have a heart to heart discussion with your wife. I wish you the best with whatever you decide.

Edited July 1, 2015 by violet1

[EH6]

Thanks for all the positive and not so positive responses. I'm going away with the W for a weekend in a couple of weeks. I'll have a good talk to her while we're away. I get that it's maybe me too, or the lack of attraction. I do want the marriage to work and not ready to give up. I also plan to have a very honest talk with the OW this weekend. I know I've created quite the mess, and take full responsibility for this.

 

I missed not having sex and craved it. I'm 38 years old and not ready to give it up. I fought going down this road, many times. As pathetic as it sounds I even visited a sex shop and bought a sex aide. Nothing comes close to the real thing at the end of the day, and no it wasn't a blow up doll I bought.

[I4givehim]

Hi to everyone on this forum, I'm very much the new guy here and was drawn here by Googling other people's stories. I guess I thought I'd share my story and see what kind of advice people had. Yes I expect to be judged and that's okay.

 

First off I have been married for going on 12 years now. Last year we had our first child together and I absolutely adore our child. For maybe the last 3-4 years the sex and affection had been in a steady decline. We have talked and fought about this and nothing changes. Before we had our child the sex wasn't good either. She did it as a duty rather than from passion or want. Again we have discussed this and she doesn't do anything about it. Apart from this aspect of the relationship everything is fine. We get on really well, but are more like best friends or roommates.

 

A year and a half ago I told her in one argument that if I ever cheat, it's not all on me. There was no response. Fast forward a couple of months ago and I have started that affair.

 

It didn't happen by accident, I was looking for it. I met another woman online and we hit it off instantly. On our first date we couldn't keep our hands of each other, and I haven't felt that passion in a very long time. The second date we had sex and it was mind blowing.

 

This may sound strange, but I have been 100% honest with this woman. I never lied about my situation or made promises I couldn't keep. We text daily and meet once or twice a week.

 

I have feelings for this woman, but I think its lust more than anything else. Yes I like her and wouldn't ever want to hurt her, but I know deep down that's what will probably happen. After our first date, I gave her an out, but she was blind to it. I don't feel good about any of this, or what I'm doing to my wife and family. I don't feel good about what I'm doing to this woman either.

 

I love my wife but don't feel I can go on without any passion or sex. This woman made me feel like a man again and the urge and desire is through the roof. She has promised me that should would never do anything to mess up my home life or hurt me and I believe her.

 

Deep down I know this is wrong, but it feels so right.

 

Have fun while it lasts. Your world will come crumbling down and most likely it will be the OW that will rat you out because she will get fed up of sharing you. So go ahead and enjoy your sex life. See how betraying your wife, losing you family, having your children not respect you as a father is worth this great passionate sex you are having. ENJOY!!! ...... If you put as much effort into your marriage as you put into seeing the OW maybe you will see that passion from your wife again.

Edited July 1, 2015 by I4givehim
adding to it

[whichwayisup]

Thanks for all the positive and not so positive responses. I'm going away with the W for a weekend in a couple of weeks. I'll have a good talk to her while we're away. I get that it's maybe me too, or the lack of attraction. I do want the marriage to work and not ready to give up. I also plan to have a very honest talk with the OW this weekend. I know I've created quite the mess, and take full responsibility for this.

 

I missed not having sex and craved it. I'm 38 years old and not ready to give it up. I fought going down this road, many times. As pathetic as it sounds I even visited a sex shop and bought a sex aide. Nothing comes close to the real thing at the end of the day, and no it wasn't a blow up doll I bought.

 

Just pointing this out, even calling her 'the' wife shows detachment. You're not saying my wife.

 

Please listen to your wife too, I'm sure she has needs and desires that aren't being met either. She may feel as unhappy and disconnected as you do. Communication goes both ways. Own your part in the problems in your marriage, don't put it all on her and make it just about sex. There's a lot more going on than her just not wanting you sexually.

[eye of the storm]

In a good healthy marriage, sex is rarely a problem.

 

One of the things my counselor told me that (unless there are medical issues going on) when people are happy with each other and feel secure with each other there is a natural intimacy that just leads to a healthy sex life. She said that lack of intimacy/sex was rarely the issue, it was a physical manifestation of the issue. Once the issues were resolved the sex life came back.

 

And this is not just with women.

 

So, EH, if you truly want to stay married. Dump the OW, demand counseling with your W, and then get the issues worked out.

 

Good luck

[Babs22]

The OW is not married, divorced. I do get the sense she will get attached and want more. We did have a discussion about that before we had sex. It's probably inevitable and what dragged me here.

 

Yes there is an emotional attraction, but we meet mostly for sex. If I wasn't having sex I would probably still be attracted to her. Would I want to start a full on relationship if I was single? Probably not.

 

EH6, I am glad that you have started to rethink your affair and what it is doing to your wife and the OW. In your statement I put in bold above you stated that if you were single you would not want to pursue a full on relationship with your OW. I am also an OW, and as a OW this statement really hurts to hear. If that is what my MM felt, then I really wish that he would have told me this weeks or months into our A. My MM never said to me that he would not leave his M until a year into the A started, but he said things like "Nobody gets hurt". I was in affair fog and should have recognized this statement as, I am not leaving my wife, but I didn't. Now I am 2.5 years into the A and it is going to hurt like hell (for me) to end it. I don't think MM wants to end it, he likes the arrangement, but it comes at a huge cost to me. It is very selfish of him to do this to me, but I don't think he looks at it this way. (Yes, at this point I realize that I am letting him do this to me)

 

Please be fair to your OW and tell her that you love your wife and have no plans for divorce. I know you said you have told the OW your relationship is only about sex and that you don't plan to divorce, but our emotions start taking over our brains and we keep thinking there is a chance. You need to tell her you love your wife. If my MM had said this to me, "I love my wife and I do not plan to divorce", I would have happily left a long time ago. Now my heart is very tied up with him, our relationship is obviously not just about sex. we do things together 4-5 times a week that don't involve sex. I am filling an emotional need for intimacy and being connected to another person too. I do love my MM very much and it is very difficult to end this R now. It is still early for you and your OW, she will get over it much easier now than if you continue to carry on with the A. Be kind, let her go.

[elaine567]

If my MM had said this to me, "I love my wife and I do not plan to divorce", I would have happily left a long time ago.

And that is precisely why he didn't say it.

[violet1]

EH6, I am glad that you have started to rethink your affair and what it is doing to your wife and the OW. In your statement I put in bold above you stated that if you were single you would not want to pursue a full on relationship with your OW. I am also an OW, and as a OW this statement really hurts to hear. If that is what my MM felt, then I really wish that he would have told me this weeks or months into our A. My MM never said to me that he would not leave his M until a year into the A started, but he said things like "Nobody gets hurt". I was in affair fog and should have recognized this statement as, I am not leaving my wife, but I didn't. Now I am 2.5 years into the A and it is going to hurt like hell (for me) to end it. I don't think MM wants to end it, he likes the arrangement, but it comes at a huge cost to me. It is very selfish of him to do this to me, but I don't think he looks at it this way. (Yes, at this point I realize that I am letting him do this to me)

 

Please be fair to your OW and tell her that you love your wife and have no plans for divorce. I know you said you have told the OW your relationship is only about sex and that you don't plan to divorce, but our emotions start taking over our brains and we keep thinking there is a chance. You need to tell her you love your wife. If my MM had said this to me, "I love my wife and I do not plan to divorce", I would have happily left a long time ago. Now my heart is very tied up with him, our relationship is obviously not just about sex. we do things together 4-5 times a week that don't involve sex. I am filling an emotional need for intimacy and being connected to another person too. I do love my MM very much and it is very difficult to end this R now. It is still early for you and your OW, she will get over it much easier now than if you continue to carry on with the A. Be kind, let her go.

Babs, aren't you still married? Or am I confused? Were you only going to leave your M if your MM left his? It's actually quite common that an MM will have an affair with an OW, but never pursue a real life relationship if single. I've seen many MM's state that on the wayward forums. I guess I see things differently. I don't understand why so many OW's think someone who's been married for years is suddenly going to leave and immediately start a relationship with them. The OP told the OW that it's an NSA only type of arrangement. I'm sorry to say it, but she knows what she's getting into. If she gets her emotions entangled, it's on her. Only the wife is left in the dark. She's the only one who's getting the crap deal, not the OW. You know the saying, you play with fire, you get burned...

[elaine567]

You know the saying, you play with fire, you get burned...

 

Yes, but that only works if MM play the game and tell the OW in no uncertain terms, that "This is just sex, I am not going to leave my wife ever."

Unfortunately as they are often conflict avoiders, they do not spell it out. The MM often craves affection, he needs love, he basks in the love of the OW, so the OW then interprets that as her love being reciprocated.

How often do women in FWB relationships say, he stays after sex, we hang out, he loves cuddles, he discusses problems with me, is he falling for me? He may be, but men can do that and still be unattached and still only see her as a FWB.

 

Similarly MM treat the OW as a lover, he future fakes, he may even profess love to get his own way, and she then gets the impression that she is his one and only, his evil wife has no chance - that is until he throws the OW under the bus on dday...

[Babs22]

Babs, aren't you still married? Or am I confused? Were you only going to leave your M if your MM left his? It's actually quite common that an MM will have an affair with an OW, but never pursue a real life relationship if single. I've seen many MM's state that on the wayward forums. I guess I see things differently. I don't understand why so many OW's think someone who's been married for years is suddenly going to leave and immediately start a relationship with them. The OP told the OW that it's an NSA only type of arrangement. I'm sorry to say it, but she knows what she's getting into. If she gets her emotions entangled, it's on her. Only the wife is left in the dark. She's the only one who's getting the crap deal, not the OW. You know the saying, you play with fire, you get burned...

 

No you are not confused Violet1. Currently, I am still married, but it is not going to survive. As an OW who did not realize for a year into the relationship that MM was not planning on leaving his wife, I just wanted to tell the OP to be clear, very clear with the OW what his intentions are. He will probably even need to repeat it regularly. I feel that when the actions of the MM indicate that the relationship is becoming more serious, even thought he does not plan for it to go any further, his true intentions need to be clearly stated and repeated to the OW. The OW needs to hear, in no uncertain terms, no beating around the bush, that the MM loves his wife and will not leave. I am not in disagreement that what he is doing to his wife is equally wrong, more so really. I just wanted to tell him what it is like from the OW point of view.

 

Maybe the OW understands from his first statement that he was not looking for anything more than sex, but we woman have a tendency to get emotionally tied up with the MM and think things that are not true. You know they say actions speak louder than words, well when a MM's actions are screaming that this relationship is getting very close, they need to be clear with their words that all the things they do and say don't change the fact that they are only in this relationship for one thing. I was hoping that by posting this, he will not only think about what he is doing to his wife, but also what he is doing to the OW. She is not disposable or without feelings. It sounds like he is reconsidering that this innocent, sex only fling, is detrimental to all involved. Only way for OP to get sex and no attachment is a series of one night stands.

[ladydesigner]

My ExH will tell anyone who will listen that I would not be intimate. That I refused sex and had to be badgered into it. It was all me. And it was. I did not feel secure with him. I didn't feel comfortable with him. I was constantly on guard from his mood swings and angry with how he treated me. Not a good recipe for hot and heavy sex. I found every excuse in the book to avoid the bedroom with him. I admit it. It was me.

 

And as much as I dreaded him coming home, finding out he had been cheating on me almost destroyed me. Weird.

 

I suggest counseling. Because you may think it is all her, but your W may have a completely different story.

 

Ugh you have concisely described my sitch too. While I was partially to blame for the cause of our lack of sex due to my WH's mood swings and lack of being home, I refuse to be the cause of the A. My WH is the cause of the A.

[ladydesigner]

I took a sneak peak at this thread and thank God I am not a married man and will never get to be one...

 

Gotta love how the "sisterhood" comes out to bash the guy. Everything is his fault. Wifey won't have sex with him and/or show any interest anymore? Well, he probably did something to tee her off. He needed to "get over" it. "He" (forget "her") made vows. Shoot, where in the vows said women were supposed to alienate their husbands need for respect, attention and/or affection?

 

Look, yep having a OW can get complicated, but no fair to be starved in a marriage...if you're gonna keep the OW, just thread carefully.

 

Um this is probably one of the worst answers to this scenario that I can think of, but hey if it works for you

 

Having a M and an OW is not that appealing if you ask me. I'm sure the struggle is real to juggle the two and that couldn't be very comfortable.

[the_artist_1970]

No you are not confused Violet1. Currently, I am still married, but it is not going to survive. As an OW who did not realize for a year into the relationship that MM was not planning on leaving his wife, I just wanted to tell the OP to be clear, very clear with the OW what his intentions are. He will probably even need to repeat it regularly. I feel that when the actions of the MM indicate that the relationship is becoming more serious, even thought he does not plan for it to go any further, his true intentions need to be clearly stated and repeated to the OW. The OW needs to hear, in no uncertain terms, no beating around the bush, that the MM loves his wife and will not leave. I am not in disagreement that what he is doing to his wife is equally wrong, more so really. I just wanted to tell him what it is like from the OW point of view.

 

Maybe the OW understands from his first statement that he was not looking for anything more than sex, but we woman have a tendency to get emotionally tied up with the MM and think things that are not true. You know they say actions speak louder than words, well when a MM's actions are screaming that this relationship is getting very close, they need to be clear with their words that all the things they do and say don't change the fact that they are only in this relationship for one thing. I was hoping that by posting this, he will not only think about what he is doing to his wife, but also what he is doing to the OW. She is not disposable or without feelings. It sounds like he is reconsidering that this innocent, sex only fling, is detrimental to all involved. Only way for OP to get sex and no attachment is a series of one night stands.

 

So a MM needs to constantly tell the OW that he is using her just for s*x and he should be totally honest with the OW but not his W (the woman he actually promised to live with and be faithful to forever)? That is very selfish thinking on the OW just like the cheating MM is selfish. She wants complete honesty from a man who is cheating on and lying to another woman. That's an oxymoron actually. MM who cheat are known liars and they lie to both women. The only one who is totally kept in the dark is the BS. She is clueless. The OW enters into an A with a MM knowing that he has made a commitment elsewhere but she decides to share him and he should only be honest with her. If you choose to enter into a deceitful relationship, you know from the beginning what you are getting into.

 

I'm confused about how you could think that a man who cheats on his W will be honest with the OW. There is no honor among thieves.

[EH6]

EH6, I am glad that you have started to rethink your affair and what it is doing to your wife and the OW. In your statement I put in bold above you stated that if you were single you would not want to pursue a full on relationship with your OW. I am also an OW, and as a OW this statement really hurts to hear. If that is what my MM felt, then I really wish that he would have told me this weeks or months into our A. My MM never said to me that he would not leave his M until a year into the A started, but he said things like "Nobody gets hurt". I was in affair fog and should have recognized this statement as, I am not leaving my wife, but I didn't. Now I am 2.5 years into the A and it is going to hurt like hell (for me) to end it. I don't think MM wants to end it, he likes the arrangement, but it comes at a huge cost to me. It is very selfish of him to do this to me, but I don't think he looks at it this way. (Yes, at this point I realize that I am letting him do this to me)

 

Please be fair to your OW and tell her that you love your wife and have no plans for divorce. I know you said you have told the OW your relationship is only about sex and that you don't plan to divorce, but our emotions start taking over our brains and we keep thinking there is a chance. You need to tell her you love your wife. If my MM had said this to me, "I love my wife and I do not plan to divorce", I would have happily left a long time ago. Now my heart is very tied up with him, our relationship is obviously not just about sex. we do things together 4-5 times a week that don't involve sex. I am filling an emotional need for intimacy and being connected to another person too. I do love my MM very much and it is very difficult to end this R now. It is still early for you and your OW, she will get over it much easier now than if you continue to carry on with the A. Be kind, let her go.

 

Babs I wanted to address your post and fill you in on the details. I had a real heart to heart with my OW near the start and was as clear as I could. I told her a lot of things that many a MM wouldn't say in my position. I was clear that she would want more and that I couldn't give that. I also told her she was better than this and worth more. I could tell she was upset, but said she was okay with this. I know she will probably not want to end this and that it will be up to me. Truthfully I want more for her, because I care about her. She's not just used for sex, it's more than that.

[darkmoon]

you can have no idea how hard looking after a small child is, i say your wife is too busy for much, plz -

 

does she babysit while you are out screwing?

 

have you always gone out by yourself?

[still_an_Angel]

Babs I wanted to address your post and fill you in on the details. I had a real heart to heart with my OW near the start and was as clear as I could. I told her a lot of things that many a MM wouldn't say in my position. I was clear that she would want more and that I couldn't give that. I also told her she was better than this and worth more. I could tell she was upset, but said she was okay with this. I know she will probably not want to end this and that it will be up to me. Truthfully I want more for her, because I care about her. She's not just used for sex, it's more than that.

 

I'm still a bit unclear as to why you have posted here EH, I could count 2 other posters who have asked you the same question that I did. But its becoming a bit clearer to me now (not unless I'm totally off the bat). It seems you have more feelings for your OW than you admitted in your earlier posts. See how you now called her "my OW" not like your earlier posts of referring to her as "the OW"?

 

 

You care enough about her that you want someone better for her, one who could give her what you couldn't. Plus you really want your marriage to work and you're not ready to walk out on that. Yet you cannot let go of the feelings that your OW has reawakened in you - intense intimacy being the primary one. The same ingredient missing in your marriage.

 

 

Tread carefully EH, probably in the beginning you were only looking for sex, it seems you found more than the initial search that brought you to the website. Myself and my MM started out as a D/s relationship which evolved into a full blown affair, the longer it goes the stronger the bonds develop. If you really want your M to work you need to let go of your OW asap. Or negotiate an open relationship with your W so you can get your needs met with your willing OW.