Ruined it for all involved

[Methodical]

Why not? She is probably hurting too.

 

I'm under the impression from the OP that she saw thru his shenanigans and has moved on.

[goodyblue]

Perhaps. Doesn't mean that all three are not heart broken in their own way.

[velvette]

I am depressed, anxious, and tired. I've been to 3 different therapists, but I still need help.

 

Why 3 different therapists?

 

 

If they didn't help, try another one.

 

 

In the meantime, make an appointment with your doctor, and get something to help your anxiety.

 

 

Once you find a therapist, consider antidepressants.

[velvette]

Life is too short and goes by too fast.

OW doesn't appear to want anything to do with me.

She is so special, please think of her, pray for her to heal.

 

 

Look I don't have a problem saying a prayer for everyone involved, nor am I trying to be mean to you, but it seems obvious to point out that OW was not special enough TO YOU to give up any of your material possessions in order to have a life with her.

 

 

When is the last time you saw your son? He needs you. If you haven't seen him since your wife asked you to leave, you need to call her and arrange to see him this weekend.

 

 

If you don't want to be married, see a lawyer and draw up a separate maintenance agreement so your wife doesn't have to worry for now about these details and get the info you need to plan for a fair divorce.

 

 

You got yourself into the spot youre in now. You are the only one who can get you out.

 

 

Your wife may or may not need you, I don't know. But, your child does. Your priority should be taking the actions now that will allow you to look that child in the eye when he is old enough to understand. Start by treating your wife with the respect she deserves as the mother of your children.

 

 

The rest you can figure out later.

[Bootsie]

This is a real tragedy.

 

 

I feel most sorry for the wife (and 2 sons) here, who has been terribly used, abused, deceived and betrayed by the OP. He even seems to think his wife somehow trapped him into staying married when she apparently didn't even know that he had one foot out the door and was having it off with the OW.

 

 

No doubt the OW was lied to as well, but it seems she at least knew she was getting involved with a liar and a cheater, and she seems to have been willing to insert herself into another couple's marriage. She also seems to have been strong enough to leave once she had real evidence she'd been lied to. But it's possible that, given she knew he was a liar, she'd planned a long time ago that she would be out of there, if he ever lied to her.

 

 

I can sense the OP's pain, but if anyone "brought it on himself" it has to be this guy. Sadly he's brought it on other innocent people as well.

 

 

How despicable that he's contemplating staying with his wife so that "other women" may want him in future. Uggh.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm still uncertain and confused about what I want.

As many have said- I was selfish, still am.

The more I think about it though, I can't divorce my wife while she's pregnant- I know that legally I can, but I'm going to stick around while she goes through this.

My heart is with the OW, but I've really blown it with her.

Heck, I've blown it with both.

 

Jeez. My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant.

 

During that time period, it was awful having him around plus all of our issues.

 

Now after the fact, it is like having a second more demanding child.

 

Nothing is simple anymore. And it sucks.

 

Your infidelity shows her that you have the emotional maturity of a small child. That's not fun to deal with when that child is in the body of a man that is supposed to be protecting and loving her.

 

I bet that has a lot to do with why you were in separate bedrooms to begin with.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am not seeking sympathy. I should have moved forward with a divorce earlier this year.

My marriage counseling was a big lie- I never admitted to having a physical affair because I didn't want to face adultery as the reason for divorce.

I am a very active dad- I take my son to his sports, to school, on father/son trips. We have a very close bond.

I feel completely empty emotionally regarding my wife. Seeing her cry irritates me. She doesn't deserve that, I know.

I did this to myself, and now everyone is hurt.

How can anyone divorce a pregnant wife and expect any woman to want to be with him in the future?

 

Holy crap man!

 

You've already seriously screwed over two women in life-altering ways and you are already mentally setting yourself up on dates?

 

WTF?

 

Seems like you use women to cope with whatever is bugging you emotionally. Can't stand on your own.

 

Time to learn how to do that methinks.

 

Give it a good five years of being SINGLE and not screwing around. Get some counseling. Maybe DBT. Figure out what you are feeling and how to manage it.

 

And not place such ridiculous expectations on those around you.

[dreamingoftigers]

:sick::sick::sick:

Life is too short and goes by too fast.

OW doesn't appear to want anything to do with me.

She is so special, please think of her, pray for her to heal.

[Ruffian1]

If your love for OW and OW love for your is so great, she should understand what your are going through. Forgivness, willingness to try to be open to put aside ego and be open to trust again and rebuild. Find her and explain you still love and want to be with her. If there is true love in her for you, she will open to a new R with you, this time built as a single man. Just be truthful.

 

 

What are your waiting for?

[cocorico]

I am depressed, anxious, and tired. I've been to 3 different therapists, but I still need help.

 

Two women. Three therapists. Is it possible your expectations are too unrealistic, hence no one being able to provide what you're looking for?

[Popsicle]

All I see is a man who doesn't love either woman but wants to go back with his wife for whatever reason that is NOT love. All his talk of the OW is just idolization and wistfulness used to hang onto her memory and the good feelings they produce within him, but he is going back to his wife. It remains to be seen the effect all of this has on the marriage, but right now the pressing thing will be the new baby.

[Popsicle]

Life is too short and goes by too fast.

OW doesn't appear to want anything to do with me.

She is so special, please think of her, pray for her to heal.

 

Thank you.

 

Everyone involved needs prayers.

[beatcuff]

OP please reconcile:

 

I am the unhappily married man

 

with

 

[sAME POST] be ready to accept your living hell.

 

and

 

I was not having sex with my wife, slept in separate rooms.

 

and

 

I thought I could move forward with divorce last year... I regret that I didn't now.

 

and

 

My heart is with the OW, but I've really blown it with her.

 

fine --- i will, its really simple. this has NOTHING to do with your wife or your A. you are in love with the OW and she now wants nothing to do with you because she grew tired of your bull crap lines. your M is over. get a D. maybe then your AP will take you seriously.

[Popsicle]

Jeez. My husband cheated on me while I was pregnant.

 

During that time period, it was awful having him around plus all of our issues.

 

Now after the fact, it is like having a second more demanding child.

 

Nothing is simple anymore. And it sucks.

 

Your infidelity shows her that you have the emotional maturity of a small child. That's not fun to deal with when that child is in the body of a man that is supposed to be protecting and loving her.

.

 

Yeah, that's not fair to you, but I think the WH sees that something (for instance, being there to provide financial support for wife and kids) is better than nothing (leaving her). This is his way of showing love to her.

 

And then there's his own practical comforts as well, which the OP admitted to (rare).

[sandylee1]

It's all so very sad, especially for your wife who is the innocent party in all this. At least your OW knew you were married. She should have known that if you were lying to your wife, you could in turn lie to her .

 

I hope you can find a suitable therapist, not all of them suit everyone, so keep trying till you get one that you're happy.

 

Just do the right thing and get divorced. Your obligation is to be there for your children and support them. It may be too much stress on your wife to go through a divorce during the pregnancy, but let her know your intentions. The fact that your pregnant wife crying after you betrayed her irritates you, really speaks volumes. I'm sure you'd hate anyone that treated a daughter of yours this way.

 

Concentrate on being a good father and hope that the relationship with your first son isn't damaged as a result of your actions. It may be an idea to get IC for your son as well. It must be very confusing knowing he'll soon have a little brother, but dad has moved out. There's been a lot of talk about your wife and OW, but your son is a big part of this too. His life as he knew it has changed drastically.

 

If only people thought about EVERYONE involved before committing infidelity , it would save a lot of heartache. I really hope you and your family will be okay. Be strong for them. You've royally messed up, but your sons need you. Don't underestimate that at all.

[Lunay]

You can still be a great father to those 2 kids, without being in an unhappy marriage with their mother. Don't you want them to see their Dad happy and thriving in his relationship? You're setting a standard.

 

File for divorce, pay your child support. Spend all the time you can with your children. Maybe your OW will take you seriously when she sees you have actually done something about your marriage.

Or maybe by the time you've done all this, you will no longer have the desire for her anymore. Maybe you'll meet someone just as great.

Yes you have done a lot of wrong here, but your wife deserves someone who loves her and is in love with her. Give that to her! Let her be happy too.

[Edge of despair]

I know I've made some bad decisions, but not being a good father is not one of them.

My kids will always be a priority.

 

Has anyone here actually ended up with a real relationship with the OW/OM post divorce?

[truncated]

I am not seeking sympathy. I should have moved forward with a divorce earlier this year.

My marriage counseling was a big lie- I never admitted to having a physical affair because I didn't want to face adultery as the reason for divorce.

I am a very active dad- I take my son to his sports, to school, on father/son trips. We have a very close bond.

I feel completely empty emotionally regarding my wife. Seeing her cry irritates me. She doesn't deserve that, I know.

I did this to myself, and now everyone is hurt.

How can anyone divorce a pregnant wife and expect any woman to want to be with him in the future?

 

 

I know no one will like me saying this, but please leave your wife alone. You want to be there not for her but for you, and that will hurt her deeply.

[sandylee1]

I know I've made some bad decisions, but not being a good father is not one of them.

My kids will always be a priority.

 

Has anyone here actually ended up with a real relationship with the OW/OM post divorce?

 

Sometimes it's the indirect impact of the parent's actions that can affect kids though. Some view an affair/betrayal as between the husband and wife only. In truth young children can also feel betrayed, because life as they knew it, is over. Their comfort of both mom and dad at home everyday is no longer. So while your direct actions with your son are that of a good father, what you've now created isn't so good for him.

 

Many children need IC following a parent's infidelity and while it's good they are getting the help, the reason for it comes right back to that unfaithful parent.

 

I'm not saying this to hurt you or anything, it's just so you can try and see it from your wife and son's point of view.

 

Marriages break down for numerous reasons and there are loads of kids of divorced parents who are doing just fine. They maintain good relationships with both parents from childhood to adulthood.

 

However, if one parent did something to cause the divorce, then the kids can take it hard and sometimes feel the need to take sides.

Please stay strong for your son, eventhough I know you're having a hard time right now.

 

BTW

I have a real life friend (not a close one ) who was the OW and the MM left his wife and kids to be with her. They're not married, but they are together and have been for a few years now.

[velvette]

I know I've made some bad decisions, but not being a good father is not one of them.

My kids will always be a priority.

 

Has anyone here actually ended up with a real relationship with the OW/OM post divorce?

 

 

 

There are several, maybe up to 7-10 who have posted in the couple of years I have been here. Mostly they are the OW posting, not the WS. If you count the BS who say their H moved in or married the OW maybe another 10 or so.

 

 

Very few men who are WS post here for long.

 

 

The stats most people quote are 3% of A end in R. Its a hotly debated topic when it comes up.

 

 

The divorce rates for second marriages are high however they start and you could look them up. Last time I looked they are around 75%

[Edge of despair]

Sometimes it's the indirect impact of the parent's actions that can affect kids though. Some view an affair/betrayal as between the husband and wife only. In truth young children can also feel betrayed, because life as they knew it, is over. Their comfort of both mom and dad at home everyday is no longer. So while your direct actions with your son are that of a good father, what you've now created isn't so good for him.

 

Many children need IC following a parent's infidelity and while it's good they are getting the help, the reason for it comes right back to that unfaithful parent.

 

I'm not saying this to hurt you or anything, it's just so you can try and see it from your wife and son's point of view.

 

Marriages break down for numerous reasons and there are loads of kids of divorced parents who are doing just fine. They maintain good relationships with both parents from childhood to adulthood.

 

However, if one parent did something to cause the divorce, then the kids can take it hard and sometimes feel the need to take sides.

Please stay strong for your son, eventhough I know you're having a hard time right now.

 

BTW

I have a real life friend (not a close one ) who was the OW and the MM left his wife and kids to be with her. They're not married, but they are together and have been for a few years now.

 

Your words about children feeling betrayed really moved me. I want to thank you for this perspective.

[cocorico]

I know I've made some bad decisions, but not being a good father is not one of them.

My kids will always be a priority.

 

Has anyone here actually ended up with a real relationship with the OW/OM post divorce?

 

I am a fOW now married to my fMM for many years. After the D, his kids (teens) moved in with us. They have since moved on as young adults to lives of their own. They are well-adjusted, happy and productive young people.

 

I am also the child of a father who had an affair. Unlike my H, my father chose to "stay for the kids". As a result, we had two unhappy parents and a very unhappy childhood, envying our friends whose parents were divorced and who had two happy homes while we lived in a Cold War zone. My father divorced my mother when the youngest left home and he and his fOW have been happily married for decades now.

[amomwhoknows]

You are kind of pathetic you know. It irritates you that your wife cries. What an a*s you are being. If your new baby is a girl, how would you feel if some man treats her like you are treating your pregnant wife?

 

 

Most affairs don't last. Most second marriages don't last and the statistics are worse if children are involved.

 

 

It doesn't matter when you divorce (you seem fixated on divorcing a pregnant woman) because you cheated on her and are already separated. Given the complexities of high asset divorces it is unlikely you will be divorced by the time the baby is born.

 

 

You ought to let your wife go, though it sounds like she might be done with you anyway. Be MORE than fair in the divorce and perhaps you won't have a miserable 18+ years of co-parenting ahead of you. You seemed fixated on assets and money earlier, you need to let that go. Do everything you can to maintain the standard of living you would want for your children, so that means making sure your wife can take care of them.

 

 

Let the other woman go as well, though it already seems as if she is gone. I am guessing that, once she got distance, she was able to see that a relationship begun this way isn't one she wanted.

 

 

However, you clearly need help and do stop worrying about dating for a long while. Focus on getting your stuff together. How are you going to best support your wife as pregnancy progresses, in labor (she may very well not want you there) and with a newborn? How can you help, be a positive in both her life and your children's?

 

 

Try to stop thinking so much about yourself and frankly about the other woman. You two are the least important in this scenario. Worry about the mother of your children and your children.

[stillafool]

I wish I knew the odds. I feel like staying with my wife is possible, but I'm not in love with her. I would be doing so just because of a sense of obligation. I don't see how the OW can forgive me on this.

 

My goodness please don't do this to your wife if you ever had any love for her. This is so selfish. She deserves to be with someone who loves her. She will heal and be okay and you can still be there for your boys. You will always be their father. If you love the OW go get her back and work from there. No one will escape this situation pain free.

[Edge of despair]

Stillafool,

She needs to heal and even says she will do so quicker without me around.

She's been very vocal about wanting full custody, while I can't accept less than joint.

You are very much correct- no one will escape pain free.