Ruined it for all involved

[understand50]

I suggest you start by acting like a real man, and accept the consequences of your actions. You need to decide what you want, and divorce your wife and two kids. Let your wife find a real man to love her and raise your kids. You can go with the AP, and maybe you both can make it work, but she will know that in the "clutch" you failed with one woman.

 

Or

 

You can go to your wife and ask for a second chance, know it is up to her to forgive you if she can, and if she does, work damn hard to reconcile and make amends for what you have done.

 

The first option is your choice, but the second is totally up to your wife, and only she can make it. I wish you luck, but you need to be a real man, and quit thinking about yourself, and how it effects you. What you decide will stay with your family for the next 60 years. Your sons, wife are going to have a stand up father or a sperm donor. It will color them for life.

 

526528530

[No Limit]

Well, you lost the gamble OP. Try to keep things as amicable as they can be at this time so maybe she won't demand lawyer warfare and be a good part-time dad to your children. That's really all you can do anymore.

 

If it's any consolation, perhaps after the divorce is finalized you can re-establish contact to your OW? She didn't want to be used to she dumped you, but if there was any love from her part maybe she'd take you back as full-time boyfriend.

 

Your wife is pregnant now?

Don't worry she'll take you back.

 

Well that depends on what her lawyer will tell her about how much she will get from a divorce.

 

Come on you don't mean that. You wanna be back with your wife. And you will.

 

No, he means it. He wants the good feelings from the affair now more than ever. He'd need years of IC to get out of the "me me me" state he's in. Not offense but I hope your wife is smart and won't be fooled into false reconciliation.

Edited May 14, 2015 by No Limit

[goodyblue]

I suggest you start by acting like a real man, and accept the consequences of your actions. You need to decide what you want, and divorce your wife and two kids. Let your wife find a real man to love her and raise your kids. You can go with the AP, and maybe you both can make it work, but she will know that in the "clutch" you failed with one woman.

 

Or

 

You can go to your wife and ask for a second chance, know it is up to her to forgive you if she can, and if she does, work damn hard to reconcile and make amends for what you have done.

 

The first option is your choice, but the second is totally up to your wife, and only she can make it. I wish you luck, but you need to be a real man, and quit thinking about yourself, and how it effects you. What you decide will stay with your family for the next 60 years. Your sons, wife are going to have a stand up father or a sperm donor. It will color them for life.

 

526528530

 

IF he divorces, he can still be a fully engaged father. Let's not make him feel he will lose his children.

[No Limit]

IF he divorces, he can still be a fully engaged father. Let's not make him feel he will lose his children.

 

That too lies in the hand of the parent where the children live at (not entirely of course, but let's be honest here, the parent where the children live has the most power over them). The thought of a new man taking the role as more engaged parent alone is quite a pill to swallow for many men; but considering how the OP says his ex has good looks he'll probably have to get used to it.

[obtuseedge]

I think you're still confused about what you want.

 

Think over it all some more.

[GoBlue]

I am sorry that you are in this position, but probably not for the same reasons you are. I know how you feel because I was there six years ago filled with heartache and misery because of the very poor choices that I made. I drove myself to the pit and then I jumped in. The OW was not your "life partner" your wife was. Marriage, love, "soul mate", it's all a choice that you make every single day of your life. Trying "couples counseling" for 9 months while still maintaining an affair isn't "trying" it's simply masking the problem. If you want to make your marriage work, and if your wife wants to make your marriage work, then it will. The National Institute of Marriage is an awesome organization that has helped many couples just like you through intensive counseling. You should look them up, or you should send me a private message and I will give you the information directly. In the mean-time, I hope this time alone is productive and that you make wise choices as a result. There is a merciful and loving God who wants to make Himself know to you. Maybe you should seek Him.

[understand50]

Having been a child of a divorced couple, it inevitability leads to the parent not living with you having less and less to do with you. They turn into friends if that. If the parent that you live with decides to make it impossible for the part time parent to be with the kids....This only works if the Mother allows it and also works for it. Don't see it here after he had an affair while she is pregnant. Do you?

 

You lose the choice of how to be a father. You lose access. If she remarries, looks like she is young enough to have kids with the new Husband, this will make it even more difficult to stay a "good part time father" The odds are really against him having a meaningful part of his kids life.

 

He should know what he is giving up, because he may not see it now, but sure as H@ll see it later.

543555559

Edited May 14, 2015 by understand50

[goodyblue]

Having been a child of a divorced couple, it inevitability leads to the parent not living with you having less and less to do with you. They turn into friends if that. If the parent that you live with decides to make it impossible for the part time parent to be with the kids....This only works if the Mother allows it and also works for it. Don't see it here after he had an affair while she is pregnant. Do you?

 

You lose the choice of how to be a father. You lose access. If she remarries, looks like she is young enough to have kids with the new Husband, this will make it even more difficult to stay a "good part time father" The odds are really against him having a meaningful part of his kids life.

 

He should know what he is giving up, because he may not see it now, but sure as H@ll see it later.

543555559

 

Not denying the relationship changes. Just saying that it is less like that now than it was even 20 years ago, and your experience colors your response (as it does for us all). I have a brother who divorced with three young kids... stayed very involved, his ex had a steady man in her life from right after the divorce. My brother was very attentive and two of his three children lived with him after high school. It does not have to be the way you describe.

 

But that is OT. OP needs to decide whether he wants to stay married if she will have him for his relationship with his wife first and foremost. You can't resign yourself to an unhappy marriage and raise kids to know what a healthy relationship is.

 

And people can't keep changing.their stance. You (general) can't tell people it is easy to divorce and parent, that someone having an a in an unsatisfying marriage should just walk out, then somewhere else post that you may lose the ability to parent if you leave the marriage.

Edited May 14, 2015 by goodyblue

[understand50]

Not denying the relationship changes. Just saying that it is less like that now than it was even 20 years ago, and your experience colors your response (as it does for us all). I have a brother who divorced with three young kids... stayed very involved, his ex had a steady man in her life from right after the divorce. My brother was very attentive and two of his three children lived with him after high school. It does not have to be the way you describe.

 

But that is OT. OP needs to decide whether he wants to stay married if she will have him for his relationship with his wife first and foremost. You can't resign yourself to an unhappy marriage and raise kids to know what a healthy relationship is.

 

And people can't keep changing.their stance. You (general) can't tell people it is easy to divorce and parent, that someone having an a in an unsatisfying marriage should just walk out, then somewhere else post that you may lose the ability to parent if you leave the marriage.

 

 

Good points,

 

I hope she gives him a second chance, and both make it work. If they divorce, I hope he can be a good part time dad. I then hope he can make it work with the OW.

 

Yes, there are always exceptions to the rules, but you need to know your odds going in. If the odds are bad, you have to work that much harder to beat them. You need to go with open eyes into anything in life.

 

 

 

660

[goodyblue]

Good points,

 

I hope she gives him a second chance, and both make it work. If they divorce, I hope he can be a good part time dad. I then hope he can make it work with the OW.

 

Yes, there are always exceptions to the rules, but you need to know your odds going in. If the odds are bad, you have to work that much harder to beat them. You need to go with open eyes into anything in life.

 

 

 

660

 

I agree. It is never easy.

[Panda9080]

I am sorry to hear your story.

 

There are many good advices and points for you from others on this forum. My 2 cent is below.

 

It looks like you have 2 obvious options: staying or leaving your marriage.

 

1. Staying

 

Your wife may take you back after she calms down. It is also obvious that you like to stay. However, you will also be back to the square one with a marriage that you are not happy with.

 

Nobody know what will happen in the long run. People in the similar situation may have affairs again after several years of suffering, some may divorce when children move out and some some may accept and suffer until death.

 

2. Leaving your marriage

 

It is very hard for you right now with pregnancy and more important you are not ready for it.

 

However if you leave, you may want to take sometime for self-reflection and bounce back before making decision to move on with your AP. As some of the comments in this forum, the affair is very different with marriage.

 

I know you are miserable right now. But I look at it from a optimistic perspective, the incident may be good in someways. Things happen for a reason. It forced you and your wife seriously assess your marriage and your feeling for each other. Maybe she will realize something that she never know before about your marriage such as she will realize that you need intimacy and sharing more than just a hot wife. After all the shock and anger, she would know if she still loves you and if she wants to change to make you happy, thereby maintaining this marriage. Then you would know if you still want to be with her, still respect her etc...All the information will help you make good decision.

 

It takes time, wisdom and strength to get to that stage but you will get there. The key is to keep calm and try to get out of "panic mode" as soon as you can.

 

If I were your AP, I would run away like her when you told her that your wife is pregnant. So don't blame her.

 

Months and years go by, you look back, everything will become the past. However your happiness and your life at that point is the result of your decision right now. Make a good one. Best of luck

[ladydesigner]

I'm sorry you find yourself here OP, it is quite the life lesson, one that never goes away. I hope you can find out what caused you to seek out an OW rather than fix or leave the M. I would suggest finding an IC for yourself and getting some answers and healing underway. As others have pointed out, it is noticeable how "Me" focused you are. You only seem to be concerned with how this is affecting YOU and until you start to see the other sides to this you will have a hard road ahead.

 

One really great book to read is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass

 

and if you start to feel like maybe things might go in the direction of reconciliation I would suggest reading, "How to Heal Your Spouse From Your Affair" by Linda J. MacDonald

 

Best of Luck!

[wizer]

Painful to read but it should be required material for anyone contemplating stepping out on their spouse.

 

He obviously has no love for his wife, but with a child on the way they're tied together for quite some time.

 

My guess is they will eventually divorce and some assets will be sold and he'll find a better place to live and things won't seem so bad even though he'll be a part time dad and lose a good chunk of his savings.

 

That's just how it goes.

[minimariah]

Having been a child of a divorced couple, it inevitability leads to the parent not living with you having less and less to do with you. They turn into friends if that. If the parent that you live with decides to make it impossible for the part time parent to be with the kids....This only works if the Mother allows it and also works for it. Don't see it here after he had an affair while she is pregnant. Do you?

 

You lose the choice of how to be a father. You lose access. If she remarries, looks like she is young enough to have kids with the new Husband, this will make it even more difficult to stay a "good part time father" The odds are really against him having a meaningful part of his kids life.

 

He should know what he is giving up, because he may not see it now, but sure as H@ll see it later.

543555559

 

my experience is different, for example.

 

i'm also a "divorced" child - both of my parents were VERY involved. and the most important thing -- they never competed against each other. they made sure that BOTH of them were involved and supportive in every aspect of my life. we also had a great 50:50 system and my folks made everything in their power to make sure that i spent time with both of them equally.

 

divorce isn't stopping folks from being parents but you have those parents who are parenting only when there is a spouse there giving them instructions. when they're on their own -- they suddenly don't know what or how to do, which results in losing contact.

[Edge of despair]

I'm still uncertain and confused about what I want.

As many have said- I was selfish, still am.

The more I think about it though, I can't divorce my wife while she's pregnant- I know that legally I can, but I'm going to stick around while she goes through this.

My heart is with the OW, but I've really blown it with her.

Heck, I've blown it with both.

[Edge of despair]

There was no way I could hide what is coming from the OW. Being truthful didn't work. She said she was deleting me from her life.

[Methodical]

I don't condone the OP's actions. Hell, he doesn't condone what he did. He admits to being a materialistic jerk: two homes, boat, fancy cars, hot wife, etc. but none of that was enough to make/keep him happy so he stepped outside of his marriage. Furthermore, he made a promise to his mistress that he never intended to keep bc he didn't want to lose his assets.

 

He wasn't a happily married man and doesn't say why, but he didn't condemn his wife or blame her for his indiscretions. At least he has the balls to own up to his many, many mistakes. Nowhere in his post is he asking for sympathy. A chance at reconciliation is out of his hands if his wife doesn't want to take him back, and if she doesn't, it is his own fault. He did, however, make a plea for anyone in a similar position to separate/divorce before getting involved with another person.

 

Being a terrible husband doesn't mean he is a bad father, nor does getting divorced mean he'll be an absentee father who doesn't actively participate in his children's lives. In some cases, spouses who divorce get along better and communicate more effectively. And, their children are better off bc they aren't constantly subjected to a household filled with animosity and discord.

 

OP, you've made some bad decisions and you're very well aware of the damage you created. I give you credit for having the balls to make a self-incriminating post in hopes of preventing someone else from making the same mistakes you have.

[Edge of despair]

I am not seeking sympathy. I should have moved forward with a divorce earlier this year.

My marriage counseling was a big lie- I never admitted to having a physical affair because I didn't want to face adultery as the reason for divorce.

I am a very active dad- I take my son to his sports, to school, on father/son trips. We have a very close bond.

I feel completely empty emotionally regarding my wife. Seeing her cry irritates me. She doesn't deserve that, I know.

I did this to myself, and now everyone is hurt.

How can anyone divorce a pregnant wife and expect any woman to want to be with him in the future?

[autumnnight]

It might be a double standard, but it is also reality.

 

Anyway, I believe OP hasn't started this thread to get advise, but instead he hoped to warn others who read this (the click counts on LS threads speak for themselves, so who knows?). Good luck on your path, wherever it may lead.

 

Are you a family law attorney? I thought you were about 20. Bottom line, you DON'T know.

 

I agree with goody. Its either "divorce before you cheat; it'll be easy," or "if you divorce the kids will forget your name." Can't have both.

[Mr Carson]

I'm still uncertain and confused about what I want.

As many have said- I was selfish, still am.

The more I think about it though, I can't divorce my wife while she's pregnant- I know that legally I can, but I'm going to stick around while she goes through this.

My heart is with the OW, but I've really blown it with her.

Heck, I've blown it with both.

 

I'm not so sure, you can file but some states I believe will require a paternity test before granting a divorce to a pregnant spouse. I don't know now but before they would wait 6 months after birth to do the test. But with modern DNA testing that may have changed?

[autumnnight]

I am not seeking sympathy. I should have moved forward with a divorce earlier this year.

My marriage counseling was a big lie- I never admitted to having a physical affair because I didn't want to face adultery as the reason for divorce.

I am a very active dad- I take my son to his sports, to school, on father/son trips. We have a very close bond.

I feel completely empty emotionally regarding my wife. Seeing her cry irritates me. She doesn't deserve that, I know.

I did this to myself, and now everyone is hurt.

How can anyone divorce a pregnant wife and expect any woman to want to be with him in the future?

 

A man who is remorseful, honest, learns from his bad choices, and takes excellent care of his children will not be automatically off the table for actual IRL women necessarily. Most non online people believe in redemption.

[understand50]

Edge of despair,

 

You are not a bad person, this is not as hopless as it seems.

 

You start by being the best man you can be at this time. You stay there for your wife while she is carrying your child. You take care of your boy, and make sure he feels safe. Talk to your wife and let her know what is going on with you, but let her know she can relay on you to help her while she is going trough this. Let her know that after everything is stable, you and her can then decide as what will come next.

 

What ever you are going trough, put it aside for 18 months, and help your family now. Do not make promises you can not keep about being with her forever, but find joy and happiness in the birth of your baby. Take this time to talk, and listen. If you divorce, you can show by your example what type of man you are.

15251529

[Edge of despair]

I've been putting pressure on myself to make a quick decision- as it relates to divorce my pregnant wife now or wait until the baby is born and see how things are then.

I'm realizing now that I'm going to be responsible for the baby no matter what, so I'm thinking that waiting until he's born is the way to go.

I know I can alleviate some of my wife's stress by just being decent and supportive.

I fear however that OW us gone for good.

[Edge of despair]

Hopefully this spurs a renewal of your R with your wife. I hope she can get past it and you forget about the OW.

 

 

I will never forget about the OW. She's my first and last thought of the day.

[goodyblue]

I will never forget about the OW. She's my first and last thought of the day.

 

I believe in love. And forgiveness and redemption and becoming better every day. I hope you find peace whatever you choose.