Why Would My Brother Kill Himself Over a Woman?

[Horton]

Found out last night that my brother's wayward widow will be at my sister's house for Christmas dinner. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I want to show solidarity with the family even though I do not feel particularly amicable towards her.

 

Maybe I'm out of line here, but personally I don't see why you would ever need to see her or speak to her again. Your nieces/nephews are all adults aren't they? If so I would just continue having a relationship with them and not involve myself in any of her craziness. While I wouldn't attempt to get in between her and her kids, I would have to cut her out of my life as much as I possibly could. If that meant not going to certain events that she would be at then that's exactly what I'd do.

 

If my loved one had taken their life due to(at least in part) to the abuse they suffered from another person, I couldn't just sit there and chit chat with that person about the weather, sports, politics or what have you while knowing what they did to the one I cared about. I'd feel like that would be a betrayal in some ways to my deceased loved one. I'm not saying that you should necessarily feel the same exact way I do, but I figured I'd go ahead and throw my two cents out there since you seem welcoming to opposing views on here.

Edited December 19, 2015 by Horton

[Cephalopod]

Thank you Horton. I do welcome your views.

 

She has been invited to the Christmas dinner and will most likely go. I've discussed the issue with my sister and she is fine if I do not want to attend. I have not made my decision yet. I want to go for my daught,ear because all of her cousins are there and they always have a good time. I don't want to ruin the holiday for her just because I am angry at her aunt.

 

I could sit here for hours writing out all the despicable things my SIL said and did to my brother after the A was exposed but it would only land on deaf ears here on SI, so I am not even going to bother.

 

So many people, many in my family, want to rug-sweep the whole thing and accept her back into the fold. Some want to hang her from the nearest oak tree. This whole fiasco is tearing the family apart. My sister is hoping that having everyone together for Christmas will begin the healing process.

 

I just don't see that happening as long as my SIL is mentally unstable. The whole thing is a mess. I see bad things happening at this dinner. I think there is going to be a blowup of epic scale.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm so sorry. We're just a little family, just me & my parents so we never had to go through any of this. We were completely united.

 

I think my SIL running to the OM made our choices easier...NO WAY could we sit & make happy families with them. Deep inside I think something of him for taking on my SIL & the 4 kids. It's not what he wanted or planned.

 

Don't forget to take care of yourself. I know that's the kind of thing that people say... I lost my only brother, my only sibling & that hurt so very much. It was all about my parents, the kids, the church, the songs, where his ashes were going etc. I didn't give myself time to feel it all. That was a mistake!

 

This is about YOU as well.

 

Although my brother had been staying with me before it happened its very strange to loose someone so close whose been living in a different country. You're not used to seeing them often so the reality that they're never coming back takes longer to hit.

[Cephalopod]

If my SIL had displayed ANY of these characteristics I believe that I would feel VERY differently. She brought the OM to my brothers inquest!! He sat, chatted & LAUGHED at MY BROTHERS INQUEST! If you don't understand what I'm saying you are VERY lucky!!

 

I can't unlive my life's experiences & neither can my brothers wife. I have no doubt that the fact that she lost the man that she loved for so many years while he had a different girlfriend. The man she finally got. The man she married. The man she loved for all of those years & had 4 children with. The man she LOVED for nearly ALL of her life taking his life because of HER actions is an unimaginable pain.

 

Can anyone learn anything from this?

 

What % of people desperately regret affairs?

 

Oh if just ONE person could realize what they're doing BEFORE they do it!!

 

Do you HATE, I mean venomously HATE your W/H??

 

Why would anyone inflict pain like this?

 

God that is so sad. She sounds as ill as my SIL. Thank you for sharing that. It has to be painful.

[Cephalopod]

I like your post, and you seem very thoughtful about the whole thing. And yes, of course you had anger toward your SIL! It may have not been her "fault" that he made his choice, but he may have not made it if she had been kinder to him. We'll never know.

 

I will say to your quote above though, that it is possible for abuse and hatefulness to happen once the kids are in bed, and in very subversive ways that the kids just don't see - little cutting comments or nods to past arguments. An abused spouse can put on a very happy face in front of the kids, and shield them from it.

 

Not saying that your brother was abusive... very possible that he wasn't. Even possible that your SIL was secretly abusive herself. But your nieces wouldn't necessarily know what was happening in the marriage behind closed doors.

 

The whole thing is just so sad for everyone. This is how suicide can affect so many people. Someone may believe that nobody will care or miss them, but now we have a wife who will be messed up for the rest of her life, children who will carry their father's suicide story into every relationship they ever have, a brother and other family members who are left with this giant question that will never have an answer... it's just never the right answer. And I am so sorry that your brother made that choice.

 

I appreciate your post and I thank you for your candor. But nothing in my experience can convince me that my brother mistreated my SIL.

[MissCongeniality]

I suspect maybe it wasn't entirely because of the woman in question. A lot of suicidal people they suffer from depression or some sort of mental illness. The worst thing you could do is blame yourself. I wish I could say more but I don't think I can.

[Cephalopod]

A terrible update: We just got word that my ex-sister in law has breast cancer. She's going to have to have a double mastectomy and radiation/chemo.

 

Although I am not her fan, and she knows it, I do feel very badly for her and her kids. Just more stress on a family already damaged by my brother's suicide. I have seen women I know go through this and I would not wish this kind of hell on any woman.

Edited July 12, 2016 by Cephalopod

[whichwayisup]

A terrible update: We just got word that my ex-sister in law has breast cancer. She's going to have to have a double mastectomy and radiation/chemo.

 

Although I am not her fan, and she knows it, I do feel very badly for her and her kids. Just more stress on a family already damaged by my brother's suicide. I have seen women I know go through this and I would not wish this kind of hell on any woman.

 

You and her need to put your differences aside, make amends, forgive each other so there's no hate or resentment in your hearts. For the kids sake. Those kids need ALL their family members in the upcoming many months ahead.

 

Your sis in law will fight hard to get well again. Stay positive.

[Cephalopod]

You and her need to put your differences aside, make amends, forgive each other so there's no hate or resentment in your hearts. For the kids sake. Those kids need ALL their family members in the upcoming many months ahead.

 

Your sis in law will fight hard to get well again. Stay positive.

 

I went to the family get together this last Christmas. It was tense, but I did talk to her for a minute just to ask her how she was. And I have run into her on two occasions since. There has been no animosity. We say "hi" and exchange pleasantries, but then go our ways.

 

She is not a part of my life and I'm not a part of hers, so there is no reason for us to smoke the peace pipe. I have been cordial to her, and will continue to do so, but I will never be friends with her again. She has paid a very steep price for what she did to my brother so I am not desiring any revenge or karma. She has suffered plenty already.

[ShatteredLady]

I have a similar relationship with my exSIL. We have no need to "smoke the peace pipe" either.

 

I'm glad you've returned. I really wanted to share this with you for some reason....

 

My brother had 4 kids. 3 nephews & 1 (oh so Daddy's girl) niece. She gave birth to my brothers first grandchild! Beautiful baby girl has dark hair & huge blue eyes just like my brother!!

 

Children having children can be seen as a symptom of the tragedy but her & her bf are trying hard & doing well so far. My niece has been so very broken for so very long it's lovely to see her as a mother. It's like a blackhole that's sucked the spirit from her more & more each year has been vanquished from her heart.

 

Nothing & no-one that I love will ever be the same. Life can still be divided into before & after. I think of him & miss him everyday but it can be funny, silly, memories & I don't always cry, not always anymore.

 

I've been through some really devastating personal things lately & I desperately wish he was there for me. My parents buried their only son & I will bury my parents alone. It's just so sad now.

 

My exSIL isn't doing well. I just find that sad now too. It's all such a waste. I have no doubt that they could of eventually reconciled. That's the truly tragic thing!! Oh it's ALL so bloody tragic.

[Cephalopod]

I have a similar relationship with my exSIL. We have no need to "smoke the peace pipe" either.

 

I'm glad you've returned. I really wanted to share this with you for some reason....

 

My brother had 4 kids. 3 nephews & 1 (oh so Daddy's girl) niece. She gave birth to my brothers first grandchild! Beautiful baby girl has dark hair & huge blue eyes just like my brother!!

 

Children having children can be seen as a symptom of the tragedy but her & her bf are trying hard & doing well so far. My niece has been so very broken for so very long it's lovely to see her as a mother. It's like a blackhole that's sucked the spirit from her more & more each year has been vanquished from her heart.

 

Nothing & no-one that I love will ever be the same. Life can still be divided into before & after. I think of him & miss him everyday but it can be funny, silly, memories & I don't always cry, not always anymore.

 

I've been through some really devastating personal things lately & I desperately wish he was there for me. My parents buried their only son & I will bury my parents alone. It's just so sad now.

 

My exSIL isn't doing well. I just find that sad now too. It's all such a waste. I have no doubt that they could of eventually reconciled. That's the truly tragic thing!! Oh it's ALL so bloody tragic.

 

I'm glad to hear that something positive came out of that tragedy. I feel your pain. I miss my brother terribly, but I have been working hard to forgive him. It is still hard.

 

My exSIL has lost just about every friend she had due to her poor choices. Surprisingly, the family has circled the wagons and we are all giving her support. I sent her a text yesterday lending my support and she was effusively thanking me.

[Cephalopod]

Just an update: My SIL's double mastectomy was successful and she will even be getting reconstructive surgery done to rebuild her breasts. Her chemo and radiation therapy is still ongoing but my niece says they may stop it this month if she stays in remission. I guess that is a positive. The extended family has pulled away from her quite a bit since the cancer announcement. I guess they are not as a cohesive a family as they like to portray themselves.

 

On the negative side, SIL is still suffering from some kind of PTSD or psychosis. She is apparently acting very erratically and the girls are considering institutionalization. I'm wondering if SIL had some underlying mental illness that had gone undetected and maybe played a part in her cheating on my brother?

 

I have heard bipolar disorder can cause people to become hyper-sexual. I wonder if maybe that happened in her case.

[ChickiePops]

Who's taking care of your nieces?

[Cephalopod]

Sorry I have not updated in a while.

 

My nieces have adjusted fairly well. The youngest is in university and doing very well. They sort of take turns staying with their mom. The exSIL made it through her cancer ordeal and seems stable. She has not had any more weird outbursts or acted out, so she must be on meds and psych treatment. I hope so. Her diggers need her to get back to being a mom to them.

 

My family is doing well. I still miss my brother and think about him a lot, but I am no longer hurting or angry. He was a good brother who treated me well and we had some good times, and that's how I will continue to remember him. I'm not going to let his suicide define how I remember him.

[Cephalopod]

Another update: I need advice.

 

I feel awful and pissed and like I want to murder someone.

 

Last night was my daughter's birthday, and I invited my deceased brother's kids and his "wayward widow" to dinner at a nice restaurant. My sister in law, the same one who cheated mercilessly and was instrumental in setting the stage for my brother's suicide, decided that she was going to be a mega-bytch at dinner.

 

She got drunk on wine and started being loud rude and obnoxious. She started in on me asking me why my daughter was so overweight and telling me I needed to step up and be a better father. She also went on about how wonderful her daughters are. And on and on and on....

 

Well my daughter was humiliated and went to the restroom to cry. Her two cousins went in to console her. While they were gone I told my SIL that what she said was totally uncalled for and that this was the last time I ever invited her to any family get-together. She cussed me and told me to stop being so sensitive, and I told her very loudly to shut up. At one point the head waiter came over and asked us to quiet down or take it outside. I left the table and went to the back corridor to wait for my daughter to come out. When she did I gave her a hug and told her she was beautiful and to not listen to her aunt.

 

My daughter is not fat by the way. She just has a bit of baby chub, but she is very pretty.

 

Well, we cut the party short and left. In the parking lot my SIL got in my face again and told me never to talk back to her like that. I told her to go **** herself and then I told her she was the most evil woman I had ever met, and that she hadn't changed a bit. Her daughters physically pulled her away and got her in the car and drove off.

 

Later my youngest niece came over to the house to console my daughter and ended up staying a while and watching a movie with us.

 

But I am so damn mad, and very disappointed in myself and how I handled the situation. My daughter's birthday was wrecked because of this selfish, broken, insane woman. I have tried so hard over the last year to be nice to her, despite my anger at what she did to my late brother. I don't want my daughter to be exposed to this crap anymore.

 

I told my daughter this morning, before she went to school, that she was beautiful and that everyone loves and adores her (they really do) and that her aunt is a very sick and mentally ill woman. I have decided to tell the extended family that my SIL is no longer going to be invited to anymore family functions that I host, and that I will not be going to any functions where she is present.

 

I hate this woman. I thought I had forgiven her but this latest fiasco just brought all of my disgust and anger towards her to the surface again. I am convinced she has some kind of personalty disorder or psychiatric problem. But I'm not going to worry about that. I am excluding her from mine and my daughters lives.

 

I called my IC today and booked a session for next week for both my daughter and myself. I need some help with my anger, and I want my daughter to talk to someone about her feelings and fears. My daughter has issues with rejection by her mother. Now her aunt has let her down.

 

I'm just so damn mad and sad.

[BettyDraper]

Another update: I need advice.

 

I feel awful and pissed and like I want to murder someone.

 

Last night was my daughter's birthday, and I invited my deceased brother's kids and his "wayward widow" to dinner at a nice restaurant. My sister in law, the same one who cheated mercilessly and was instrumental in setting the stage for my brother's suicide, decided that she was going to be a mega-bytch at dinner.

 

She got drunk on wine and started being loud rude and obnoxious. She started in on me asking me why my daughter was so overweight and telling me I needed to step up and be a better father. She also went on about how wonderful her daughters are. And on and on and on....

 

Well my daughter was humiliated and went to the restroom to cry. Her two cousins went in to console her. While they were gone I told my SIL that what she said was totally uncalled for and that this was the last time I ever invited her to any family get-together. She cussed me and told me to stop being so sensitive, and I told her very loudly to shut up. At one point the head waiter came over and asked us to quiet down or take it outside. I left the table and went to the back corridor to wait for my daughter to come out. When she did I gave her a hug and told her she was beautiful and to not listen to her aunt.

 

My daughter is not fat by the way. She just has a bit of baby chub, but she is very pretty.

 

Well, we cut the party short and left. In the parking lot my SIL got in my face again and told me never to talk back to her like that. I told her to go **** herself and then I told her she was the most evil woman I had ever met, and that she hadn't changed a bit. Her daughters physically pulled her away and got her in the car and drove off.

 

Later my youngest niece came over to the house to console my daughter and ended up staying a while and watching a movie with us.

 

But I am so damn mad, and very disappointed in myself and how I handled the situation. My daughter's birthday was wrecked because of this selfish, broken, insane woman. I have tried so hard over the last year to be nice to her, despite my anger at what she did to my late brother. I don't want my daughter to be exposed to this crap anymore.

 

I told my daughter this morning, before she went to school, that she was beautiful and that everyone loves and adores her (they really do) and that her aunt is a very sick and mentally ill woman. I have decided to tell the extended family that my SIL is no longer going to be invited to anymore family functions that I host, and that I will not be going to any functions where she is present.

 

I hate this woman. I thought I had forgiven her but this latest fiasco just brought all of my disgust and anger towards her to the surface again. I am convinced she has some kind of personalty disorder or psychiatric problem. But I'm not going to worry about that. I am excluding her from mine and my daughters lives.

 

I called my IC today and booked a session for next week for both my daughter and myself. I need some help with my anger, and I want my daughter to talk to someone about her feelings and fears. My daughter has issues with rejection by her mother. Now her aunt has let her down.

 

I'm just so damn mad and sad.

 

I don't think that this incident shows that you have an anger management problem. All parents get very angry when they feel that their children are being unfairly attacked. Your reaction made complete sense.

 

A drunk mind speaks a sober heart. Your SIL has so much hate inside her that she can't keep it inside for any portion of time. She is a selfish and cruel woman. Continue to protect yourself and your family from her.

 

Even if your daughter was fat, it wouldn't have made her aunt's comments acceptable. I'm glad that you're taking your daughter to counseling.

[somanymistakes]

I'm so sorry. That woman clearly has NO concept of other people's feelings. I don't know if she's truly mentally ill or just selfish and stupid when drunk, but I would not want to be around her either!

 

You didn't do anything wrong in how you handled the situation IMO, but venting at a therapist in a safe space may hopefully make you feel a little better about it afterwards.

 

I hope the cousins can still manage to be friends, but keep that woman away from your family.

[Cephalopod]

What sucks is I extended my compassion and help to this woman last year when she was going through her cancer ordeal. I even went over and mowed her lawn and watered her house plants for her while she was recuperating after her mastectomy. I gathered her mail and even got her a reputable repairman to work on her AC when it went down.

 

And she repays my kindness by insulting my daughter, an innocent girl who never did anything to warrant such treatment.

 

It just blows my mind the level of entitlement and selfishness some people have these days.

 

I'm done with her. I called my siblings this morning and told them not to invite me to any family functions where she is present. Don't even bother.

[JuneL]

I am really sorry about this latest ordeal; I can't imagine how hard it must be for your nieces/nephews to lose their father and then deal with such a "crazy" mother. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell my daughter that her auntie is not mentally stable and that's why she would make such hurtful statements. Perhaps you can take this opportunity to teach your daughter to develop a better EQ and ignore such nonsense from people.

 

What sucks is I extended my compassion and help to this woman last year when she was going through her cancer ordeal. I even went over and mowed her lawn and watered her house plants for her while she was recuperating after her mastectomy. I gathered her mail and even got her a reputable repairman to work on her AC when it went down.

 

And she repays my kindness by insulting my daughter, an innocent girl who never did anything to warrant such treatment.

 

It just blows my mind the level of entitlement and selfishness some people have these days.

 

I'm done with her. I called my siblings this morning and told them not to invite me to any family functions where she is present. Don't even bother.

[Cephalopod]

I am really sorry about this latest ordeal; I can't imagine how hard it must be for your nieces/nephews to lose their father and then deal with such a "crazy" mother. If I were in your shoes, I'd tell my daughter that her auntie is not mentally stable and that's why she would make such hurtful statements. Perhaps you can take this opportunity to teach your daughter to develop a better EQ and ignore such nonsense from people.

 

My daughter and I had a long talk today. She's doing okay, and is looking forward to seeing her IC again. She really likes her IC and is able to open up to her unlike anyone else she knows.

 

She told me she understands that Aunt M_____ is a messed up person, and she told me she doesn't take anything her aunt said personally.

 

I did get a text from my niece telling me that the SIL has been trying to call us but since I have her blocked she can't get through. I told my niece to tell her not to bother and that we did not want to speak with her. However I told my niece that I loved her and that she and her siblings were welcome over at my house anytime and that I still loved them. Then I let my daughter talk to her and walked out of the room.

 

I'm still pissed. I haven't been this angry in a long, long time.

[BetrayedH]

Another update: I need advice.

 

I feel awful and pissed and like I want to murder someone.

 

Last night was my daughter's birthday, and I invited my deceased brother's kids and his "wayward widow" to dinner at a nice restaurant. My sister in law, the same one who cheated mercilessly and was instrumental in setting the stage for my brother's suicide, decided that she was going to be a mega-bytch at dinner.

 

She got drunk on wine and started being loud rude and obnoxious. She started in on me asking me why my daughter was so overweight and telling me I needed to step up and be a better father. She also went on about how wonderful her daughters are. And on and on and on....

 

Well my daughter was humiliated and went to the restroom to cry. Her two cousins went in to console her. While they were gone I told my SIL that what she said was totally uncalled for and that this was the last time I ever invited her to any family get-together. She cussed me and told me to stop being so sensitive, and I told her very loudly to shut up. At one point the head waiter came over and asked us to quiet down or take it outside. I left the table and went to the back corridor to wait for my daughter to come out. When she did I gave her a hug and told her she was beautiful and to not listen to her aunt.

 

My daughter is not fat by the way. She just has a bit of baby chub, but she is very pretty.

 

Well, we cut the party short and left. In the parking lot my SIL got in my face again and told me never to talk back to her like that. I told her to go **** herself and then I told her she was the most evil woman I had ever met, and that she hadn't changed a bit. Her daughters physically pulled her away and got her in the car and drove off.

 

Later my youngest niece came over to the house to console my daughter and ended up staying a while and watching a movie with us.

 

But I am so damn mad, and very disappointed in myself and how I handled the situation. My daughter's birthday was wrecked because of this selfish, broken, insane woman. I have tried so hard over the last year to be nice to her, despite my anger at what she did to my late brother. I don't want my daughter to be exposed to this crap anymore.

 

I told my daughter this morning, before she went to school, that she was beautiful and that everyone loves and adores her (they really do) and that her aunt is a very sick and mentally ill woman. I have decided to tell the extended family that my SIL is no longer going to be invited to anymore family functions that I host, and that I will not be going to any functions where she is present.

 

I hate this woman. I thought I had forgiven her but this latest fiasco just brought all of my disgust and anger towards her to the surface again. I am convinced she has some kind of personalty disorder or psychiatric problem. But I'm not going to worry about that. I am excluding her from mine and my daughters lives.

 

I called my IC today and booked a session for next week for both my daughter and myself. I need some help with my anger, and I want my daughter to talk to someone about her feelings and fears. My daughter has issues with rejection by her mother. Now her aunt has let her down.

 

I'm just so damn mad and sad.

 

I wouldn't sweat your reaction too much, like at all. Seriously. It's been a long time coming, right?

 

The kids are smart enough to know she's a nutjob.

 

Use your anger to enforce a healthy boundary for yourself and your family.

 

Honestly, you went way above and beyond by offering forgiveness. She blew it.

 

Don't let yourself explode in the future, at least not in front of anyone that matters. Everyone will give you a free pass for this one. But you're an adult and need to control future reactions to be in the best interests of everyone.

 

You don't need IC. You're fine.