Why Would My Brother Kill Himself Over a Woman?

[Cephalopod]

Thank you all for your support. I'm doing better and I will be starting up some grief counseling next week. I'm going to my brothers gravesite tomorrow with my sister. They are placing his headstone tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. :(q

[adna89]

Believe me his widow will suffer the most of you all,not now but after a time...this will haunt her for the rest of her life.I actually know of a similar case,the guy was a wonderful man(they say) his widow left him for another man,and now (15 years later) i know of her as a very unhappy lonely person who keeps photos and memories of her late husband alive..she says as time goes it gets harder only...especially now when she is getting older,and the memories of her children always involve him

 

She is now in her late 50s,i guess she is coming to the age when people look back with nostalgia on the years with children ,family etc.and those years involve him of course

Edited May 24, 2015 by adna89

[truncated]

Thank you all for your support. I'm doing better and I will be starting up some grief counseling next week. I'm going to my brothers gravesite tomorrow with my sister. They are placing his headstone tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it. :(q

 

 

All of these things are hard, and I know it may not seem like it now, but it will become easier in time.

 

Don't feel guilty about moving on and finding yourself feeling happy again. Your brother loved you and would have wanted you to smile again. He would not have wanted you and your family to remain in grief.

[Cephalopod]

Truncated I'm so sorry you lost your child. I could not imagine that. That would have to be the most soul shattering thing a person could go through. If I lost my daughter I would probably lose my will to live. She is everything to me. Maybe that is not healthy but it is how I feel.

 

Yesterday we went to my brothers grave and removed all the dead bouquets and raked it and watched the mortician install the headstone. It is a beautiful headstone, but I despise it. I despise this whole situation along with the woman who caused it. I just want my big brother back. I'm having a hard time keeping the hate and resentment dialed down.

[Cephalopod]

Believe me his widow will suffer the most of you all,not now but after a time...this will haunt her for the rest of her life.I actually know of a similar case,the guy was a wonderful man(they say) his widow left him for another man,and now (15 years later) i know of her as a very unhappy lonely person who keeps photos and memories of her late husband alive..she says as time goes it gets harder only...especially now when she is getting older,and the memories of her children always involve him

 

She is now in her late 50s,i guess she is coming to the age when people look back with nostalgia on the years with children ,family etc.and those years involve him of course

 

That is sad. Maybe this is how my SIL will turn out.

 

For now she is doped up and back in the hospital. They have her on Thorazine and the daughters are talking commitment. It's a bad, bad situation. I thought she was faking it and milking the drama. I guess not. I guess she really has lost her marbles over this whole disaster.

[ttfn555]

I just wanted to say, for what it's worth, your posting here, your talking about your brother and your loss takes a lot of courage. Expressing your feelings is huge when most don't want to deal with them. I come from a big family and I can't imagine the loss of one of my siblings due to any cause, much less something like this. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope that down the road you can find peace and know how much he loved you and your family.

[SoleMate]

Cephalopod, I'm so sorry for your loss and your pain. I wish you some slight lessening of pain in the days to come.

[truncated]

Truncated I'm so sorry you lost your child. I could not imagine that. That would have to be the most soul shattering thing a person could go through. If I lost my daughter I would probably lose my will to live. She is everything to me. Maybe that is not healthy but it is how I feel.

 

Yesterday we went to my brothers grave and removed all the dead bouquets and raked it and watched the mortician install the headstone. It is a beautiful headstone, but I despise it. I despise this whole situation along with the woman who caused it. I just want my big brother back. I'm having a hard time keeping the hate and resentment dialed down.

 

 

The mental turmoil is horrid. You sometimes feel like you are losing it. If it hadn't been for my other kids and my husband, I don't know what i would have done.

 

Are there any "left behind" support groups in your area? They can be really helpful. It lifts a weight to know that what you are going through is normal, and to be able to talk to people who understand...

[Cephalopod]

The mental turmoil is horrid. You sometimes feel like you are losing it. If it hadn't been for my other kids and my husband, I don't know what i would have done.

 

Are there any "left behind" support groups in your area? They can be really helpful. It lifts a weight to know that what you are going through is normal, and to be able to talk to people who understand...

 

My sister mentioned that she and I should go to a support group together. We are looking into that.

[Methodical]

My sister mentioned that she and I should go to a support group together. We are looking into that.

 

I'm glad you and your sister have each other for a support system, and do seek professional counseling. Traumatic events need to be handled in a manner where you find some form of peace. His memory is alive in your heart and he wouldn't want you to remain in a perpetual state of distraught turmoil. Hang in there!

[Cephalopod]

Well it just keeps getting worse and worse for my SIL. Her kids have retained a lawyer to have her committed to extended psychiatric care. The hospital she is in currently is ready to throw her out as her medical insurance is about to run out due to the fact that it was my brothers. They do not have much time to do this. I spoke with my oldest niece today and the hospital psychologists have determined her mom has suffered a psychotic break. She has gone completely off the rails.

 

The family is pretty much in turmoil. We cannot even properly grieve my brother's death because we are having to deal with this garbage. One of my SIL's brothers is coming down this week to offer his help. He is her only sibling and has been dealing with her crap for years.

[d0nnivain]

You poor things.

 

At least your sister is in a place to receive appropriate care. All you can do is be there for the kids.

 

Try to hang in there.

[lantern]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

 

I think these thoughts had to be in him for a very long time, maybe even since the childhood. I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts since I was about 10 years old, although I don't really know why. It was especially difficult for me when I was in high school and had no friends and later when I was in a very toxic relationship. Sometimes I still don't know how I managed to get through those times, it was very very hard and I drank a lot and also did some drugs. My mind was in a completely different state and hard to control. I cried every day for months on end and even woke up in tears sometimes. Still I managed to keep this as a secret, even though it took a lot of energy (and make up).

 

I got much better after a break up, but now I am again in a relationship that doesn't seem to have future. I have no idea how I will go through a break up if it happens, the only thing that keeps me alive is thinking of my family and friends. I know I would cause them unimaginable pain, so I might as well carry it for myself.

Edited June 3, 2015 by lantern

[Cephalopod]

I wanted to come back and thank everyone who posted on this thread for your support and encouragement. LS has been an huge help to me over these last six months. Thank you all.

[d0nnivain]

You are welcome. I know this time of year makes it hard too. The first holiday without them & all. {{hugs}}

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I just buried my older brother last week and I am an empty shell. He was the best man I knew, and he left behind three kids who adored him. All for a low down cheating wife.

 

Have any of you ever known anyone who committed suicide as a result of being betrayed by their partner, or were thinking of ending it after being betrayed and drug through the mud by the one person who was supposed to love and cherish them more than any other? Looking back, what were the signs they were considering ending their life? I want to know why I failed my brother and why I did not see what was happening and what he was about to do. Please help me understand this.

 

 

 

I know this is old, but the focus really shouldn't be on the specifics of the partner and the betrayal, instead, it should be considered that most suicides are the result of a self-perceived plunge from one level of existence to another level well beneath where one saw himself at a short time ago.

 

Obviously there are always people out there who have it tougher than did any specific victim of suicide... it's just... the human mind develops and gets used to routine... and to be forced to greatly deviate on a negative path from that routine can really bring the human emotions to a terrible place, too great to bear in the minds of some.

 

And yeah, we all know that we would likely be of some comfort to anyone in our circles if they had only reached-out... but the truth is that there were no specific signs that anyone should have recognized as being telling.

 

In no way did you fail your brother...

[flowergirl14]

Im so sorry for your loss. Reading your story has brought tears to my eyes. Cheating is such a heartless act. This Spring I suspected my husband was cheating again. I had some evidence. I was getting ready to confront him when my daughters boyfriend commited suicide with her there. She is a teenager and it was an act of domestic violence. Thankfully, she was ok physically but mentally I feared copycat suicide or such. I put his suspected affair on the back burner and focused on making sure our family supported her. I thought it was the right thing to do for her. However, it really weekened my resolve to finally confront my husband. I m not sure if he still is or isnt having an affair. Frankly, im tired of everything about my situation. Im working on changing myself. Its a very depressing situation.

[Cephalopod]

Im so sorry for your loss. Reading your story has brought tears to my eyes. Cheating is such a heartless act. This Spring I suspected my husband was cheating again. I had some evidence. I was getting ready to confront him when my daughters boyfriend commited suicide with her there. She is a teenager and it was an act of domestic violence. Thankfully, she was ok physically but mentally I feared copycat suicide or such. I put his suspected affair on the back burner and focused on making sure our family supported her. I thought it was the right thing to do for her. However, it really weekened my resolve to finally confront my husband. I m not sure if he still is or isnt having an affair. Frankly, im tired of everything about my situation. Im working on changing myself. Its a very depressing situation.

 

Oh that is awful. I'm sorry you are going through this. I could not imagine.

 

Make sure your daughter gets counseling as soon as possible.

[NewLeaf512]

So sorry for your loss. Back in the early 80's when I was just a teenager, one of my older first cousins had a girlfriend that we loved dearly. We loved to go spend the weekends at their place. They would pay us to watch her young children while they went clubbing. While she was pregnant, my cousin began seeing other women and he had me cover for him. I was still just a kid, but I knew helping him hide the fact that he was cheating was wrong.

 

She knew he was seeing another woman, and went as far as to ask me to keep and eye out and let her know if I saw him with another woman. She ended up having a miscarriage. She spent the night in the hospital alone while my cousin was with his OW. I was staying at their place watching the children, when she kept calling from the hospital all night long looking for my cousin. I kept giving her the excuses my cousin told me to tell her.

 

Two weeks later my Mom received a phone call from the police to come to the residence of my cousin and his GF. Upon arrival, a homicide detective met us at the car and informed us the GF took her own life that evening. My Mom was asked to take the children away while the investigation took place. We later found out that she confirmed that my cousin did indeed have another woman, and she shot herself in front of him.

 

Warning signs were many (in hindsight). Her mother had taken her own life five years earlier (over a man). Her oldest sister and youngest brother, both had attempted suicide multiple times. She became so withdrawn in the days before she took her own life, that she did not even want anyone to visit or to be around her own children.

 

Again, sorry for your loss.

 

May I ask what has happened to your cousin?

[NewLeaf512]

Im so sorry for your loss. Reading your story has brought tears to my eyes. Cheating is such a heartless act. This Spring I suspected my husband was cheating again. I had some evidence. I was getting ready to confront him when my daughters boyfriend commited suicide with her there. She is a teenager and it was an act of domestic violence. Thankfully, she was ok physically but mentally I feared copycat suicide or such. I put his suspected affair on the back burner and focused on making sure our family supported her. I thought it was the right thing to do for her. However, it really weekened my resolve to finally confront my husband. I m not sure if he still is or isnt having an affair. Frankly, im tired of everything about my situation. Im working on changing myself. Its a very depressing situation.

 

 

I have had the same experience as your daughter except that my H also shot some others as well. If you'd like to PM please do.

[ShatteredLady]

My brother took his own life as a result of infidelity & the brutal lies & betrayals. After experiencing my H's adultery I would warn everyone to watch their loved ones closely in these situations. I confess that terrible thoughts have gone through my mind. I NEVER thought that was possible!

 

Hindsight is supposed to be 20/20. I my experience I realize that there is NOTHING I could of done. After I learnt that he had tried to take his life a few days before (pills) & failed. Even his doctor didn't think he was a continued suicide risk. My brother was a very close person who communicated openly & freely.

He didn't get angry. He was just so broken. One of the last things he said was that he was even embarrassed around his own (very young) children. He could analyze his WW behavior but he kept coming back to how much he loved her. He asked, "I'm not a bad person am I? What did I do to deserve this?".

I do think anger is healthier in these situations.

 

I KNOW, right or wrong, believing that I was somehow complicit, that there was something, anything I could of done or said to save his life has been one of the hardest things to live with.

 

I miss him everyday. One thing I do know for sure....If he had any idea of the emotional carnage he would leave in his wake he would NEVER of done it. None of us will ever be the same. In many ways I lost my parents the day I lost my only sibling. His children are so damaged. Good therapy & lots of it is essential. S**t it's just so bloody hard.

[Clockwork]

I just buried my older brother last week and I am an empty shell. He was the best man I knew, and he left behind three kids who adored him. All for a low down cheating wife.

 

Have any of you ever known anyone who committed suicide as a result of being betrayed by their partner, or were thinking of ending it after being betrayed and drug through the mud by the one person who was supposed to love and cherish them more than any other? Looking back, what were the signs they were considering ending their life? I want to know why I failed my brother and why I did not see what was happening and what he was about to do. Please help me understand this.

 

Sorry, that's just a shame. No one should ever kill themselves over another person. Regardless, the sun will rise again tomorrow. A cheating spouse is a horrible thing but your life can get better since you are probably on rock bottom when it happens. Look, it can happen to people who have mental health issues.

 

I dated a girl who had attempted suicide prior to us getting together. She told me about it and I felt that I could rejuvenate her and help her forget about her ex-boyfriend. I did this for a while and things were going good. Then our relationship started to sour (she never did deal with her own mental health) and she threatened suicide when I tried breaking up with her. Believe me, you do NOT break up with a person who you've witnessed trying to cut themselves right in front of you. You stick with it and hope to find another way out of it.

 

 

All I can say is this...............no one could have helped your brother. Not his ex-spouse, not you, not your parents, not anyone. He had to do it himself. A suicidal person is like an alcoholic. It doesn't matter what you tell them, they are still going to be alone at some time.

 

 

It isn't your fault.

[ShatteredLady]

To my knowledge most people who take their lives in these situations are NOT people with a history of mental illness. I've been told that it's so hard to predict or avoid because it's not "A cry for help" or angst or histrionics....it's a decisive act to stop the pain, the hopeless agony that's consuming.

[Cephalopod]

My brother took his own life as a result of infidelity & the brutal lies & betrayals. After experiencing my H's adultery I would warn everyone to watch their loved ones closely in these situations. I confess that terrible thoughts have gone through my mind. I NEVER thought that was possible!

 

Hindsight is supposed to be 20/20. I my experience I realize that there is NOTHING I could of done. After I learnt that he had tried to take his life a few days before (pills) & failed. Even his doctor didn't think he was a continued suicide risk. My brother was a very close person who communicated openly & freely.

He didn't get angry. He was just so broken. One of the last things he said was that he was even embarrassed around his own (very young) children. He could analyze his WW behavior but he kept coming back to how much he loved her. He asked, "I'm not a bad person am I? What did I do to deserve this?".

I do think anger is healthier in these situations.

 

I KNOW, right or wrong, believing that I was somehow complicit, that there was something, anything I could of done or said to save his life has been one of the hardest things to live with.

 

I miss him everyday. One thing I do know for sure....If he had any idea of the emotional carnage he would leave in his wake he would NEVER of done it. None of us will ever be the same. In many ways I lost my parents the day I lost my only sibling. His children are so damaged. Good therapy & lots of it is essential. S**t it's just so bloody hard.

 

I understand completely. My brother asked the same questions. What had he done that was so wrong that he deserved being cheated on? He had worked so hard and sacrificed so much to create a good life for his WW and children. It wasn't enough.

 

We all tried to tell him that his WW was the one who was messed up, that she was the one who was destroying the family. But none of it made a dent.

 

Over the last few months I have come to accept that, separate from his marital problems and his wife's bad behavior, my brother was a deeply troubled man. As I have talked to his kids and gone back and analyzed his behavior, what has emerged is an understanding that my brother would have ended his own life no matter what any of us could have done. Nothing we would have said to him would have made any difference. His WW's betrayal was simply the final act that pushed him over the edge.

 

Shattered Lady, if I may ask, what was your brother's WW's reactions not to his death?

[Cephalopod]

To my knowledge most people who take their lives in these situations are NOT people with a history of mental illness. I've been told that it's so hard to predict or avoid because it's not "A cry for help" or angst or histrionics....it's a decisive act to stop the pain, the hopeless agony that's consuming.

 

I agree, but I think in my brother's case, it was a combination of despair and what I believe to have been undiagnosed bi-polar disorder. My mother was bipolar and I do believe she may have passed it on to him.

Edited December 13, 2015 by Cephalopod