Why Would My Brother Kill Himself Over a Woman?

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "Shattered Lady, if I may ask, what was your brother's WW's reactions not to his death?"

 

 

My brothers WW met the OM on a forum. He lived in Europe. For the longest time she denied that there was anyone else. Suddenly she was pulling away because everything was wrong with my brother (he had put on weight & aged so he wasn't the man she married etc) he drove himself crazy trying to 'fix' things.

 

She would create fights so she could storm off to her mothers. Finally a friend told my brother that she was leaving the older children with her Mum & taking the little ones with her to Europe to be with OM.

The really sad thing is she didn't want the OM after she'd spent some time with him. His photos were very old & flattering. He had lied about money, lived in a 2 bedroom hovel etc.

 

She completely blames the friend for everything. My brother wouldn't of known, she was going to dump OM, everything was going to be ok if it wasn't for the friend!

 

She tells everyone else that she met the OM after my brother died.

 

She had never worked so she needed someone to take care of her so she took all the kids to Europe to live with OM after the funeral. They didn't speak the language, couldn't afford special schools, they lost their Dad & EVERYTHING they knew in one month

 

She got pregnant after a couple of months. They've been on & off ever since. It's a complete mess. I have no doubt that she's suffered tremendously.

 

She was clearly in shock but never sort mental help for herself or the kids. She made terrible choices. Told so many lies, even to the kids so she tried to isolate them from family but little kids have big ears! My niece has already been committed after her first boy friend left her

[Qboro90]

I recently have had to deal with a situation where my brother in laws best friend committed suicide and left a newborn baby and young wife behind. You have my sincere condolences and I feel for how difficult this year must be for you. Hope that this forum has at least given you an outlet for support and to speak your mind openly.

 

Something I'd like to point out just for those reading who might have friends or family members that they worry about or who are depressed and suicidal.

 

There is a common set of steps that usually coincide with those who decide to take their own life. Most who are contemplating suicide will be visibly depressed and upset however it's common to hear that people will say "the last time I saw/spoke to him he seemed to be doing better. He was happier, was engaged and talking so I thought he was doing better". I noticed this happened with your brother as well when he last visited you. Saying gracious things to you and your daughter. Appearing to be content.

 

The reason for this is because your brother and those like him have finally made the decision to go through with it and then they become content because they know it will be over soon. Those depressed feelings subside and a period of outward happiness and calm comes over them. Time and time again this is the case with suidice. So I urge those of you who have people like this in your life... If you see them go from depressed and upset to all of a sudden being happy and ok, this is a sign that they've made that fateful decision to end their lives. Please, do something if you can and bring them to a hospital or dr even if they protest. Better to do it and have it be excessive than regret it later.

[ShatteredLady]

I agree. My brother went out with friends for the first time the night he died. He came home & said he'd had a good time...he sat talking to the bar maid about kids & sharing photos all night! Seemed so much better, calmer, than he had been in weeks....

[salparadise]

If you see them go from depressed and upset to all of a sudden being happy and ok, this is a sign that they've made that fateful decision to end their lives. Please, do something if you can and bring them to a hospital or dr even if they protest. Better to do it and have it be excessive than regret it later.

 

Some people do, and for the exact reason you state. Unfortunately, this is one of those indicators that only works in retrospect. People who are depressed have good and bad days, and if you pushed the panic button every time they have an unusually good day the hospitals would be overwhelmed in the first hour.

 

I wish there was a definite, fool-proof indicator but there isn't. There is however a long list of potential indicators. If you suspect they're suicidal you need to delve into it and look for other indicators. Most will have more than one, and only a small percentage hide their intentions completely.

 

The best thing to do is ask. Do so in an empathetic, non-judgmental manner and let them talk. Talking relieves the internal pressure, and believe me, there will be internal pressure if someone is planning an attempt. It's important not to tell them what to think or what is right or wrong- ask questions mostly, open ended ones. Try to help them get in touch with something meaningful, reasons to live- children are usually good. If someone is having relationship troubles stay away from talking about the partner or ex because they may have revenge or martyrdom motives.

 

Joiner's interpersonal theory of suicide states that perceived burdensomeness combined with low belongingness (social isolation) create the desire. The acquired ability to inflict lethal self harm is the key factor that results in an attempt. All three must coincide for a serious attempt. The acquired ability to inflict lethal self harm means they have overcome the innate instinct for self preservation that we are all born with. This usually happens by exposure to death (doctors & nurses), the threat of imminent death (soldiers), or chronic pain or trauma.

 

Encourage the to call the National Suicide Hotline 1 (800) 273-8255 or a mental health provider. Limit access to lethal means (guns). If they have a plan, the means to carry out the plan, and previous attempts they are considered to be at serious risk.

 

OP, I know this must be a terribly difficult time, and the grief can be debilitating.. BUT, you should know that you did not fail your brother–– it is not your fault. If someone is determined and gives no indication then there's nothing you can do to stop them. Don't take this burden on as your own failing- it is not and you don't help anyone by looking at it that way.

Edited December 14, 2015 by salparadise

[Cephalopod]

Looking back, I think it took my brother about a week to plan out his suicide. That last week he was very calm and seemed happy. He didn't seem to be obsessing on his WW and he had stopped the crying and depressed behavior.

 

The way he ended his own life was very thought out and methodical. He hid his suicide in plain sight. Had a passerby not found him he probably would have laid there unnoticed for days before any of his neighbors realized what had happened.

[Haydn]

I recently have had to deal with a situation where my brother in laws best friend committed suicide and left a newborn baby and young wife behind. You have my sincere condolences and I feel for how difficult this year must be for you. Hope that this forum has at least given you an outlet for support and to speak your mind openly.

 

Something I'd like to point out just for those reading who might have friends or family members that they worry about or who are depressed and suicidal.

 

There is a common set of steps that usually coincide with those who decide to take their own life. Most who are contemplating suicide will be visibly depressed and upset however it's common to hear that people will say "the last time I saw/spoke to him he seemed to be doing better. He was happier, was engaged and talking so I thought he was doing better". I noticed this happened with your brother as well when he last visited you. Saying gracious things to you and your daughter. Appearing to be content.

 

The reason for this is because your brother and those like him have finally made the decision to go through with it and then they become content because they know it will be over soon. Those depressed feelings subside and a period of outward happiness and calm comes over them. Time and time again this is the case with suidice. So I urge those of you who have people like this in your life... If you see them go from depressed and upset to all of a sudden being happy and ok, this is a sign that they've made that fateful decision to end their lives. Please, do something if you can and bring them to a hospital or dr even if they protest. Better to do it and have it be excessive than regret it later.

 

 

This is true. I had a friend who ended her life at Uni. She was the last person you`d think was in such turmoil. None of us saw it coming. We knew she was depressed after a break-up. Over the months she seemed her usual self. Almost euphoric on some occasions. The night she took her life we had all been out at the pub having a laugh together.

[lollipopspot]

An affair didn't cause it, the wife didn't cause it. It's a lack of coping skills to deal with unfortunate - but not terminal or permanently crippling - life events. People survive far greater trauma than the ending of a marriage through infidelity. You say he kept to himself...you don't really know all the issues he had and wasn't dealing with. Maybe he had a brain chemical imbalance too. I have known people for whom there is nothing overtly wrong in their lives, and they still try to end their lives.

[Cephalopod]

An affair didn't cause it, the wife didn't cause it. It's a lack of coping skills to deal with unfortunate - but not terminal or permanently crippling - life events. People survive far greater trauma than the ending of a marriage through infidelity. You say he kept to himself...you don't really know all the issues he had and wasn't dealing with. Maybe he had a brain chemical imbalance too. I have known people for whom there is nothing overtly wrong in their lives, and they still try to end their lives.

 

Well like I said, I think he was a very troubled man. I believe, from listening to what my nieces have said about him, that he may have suffered from untreated bipolar disorder or depression. I think he was just really good at hiding it. Because he lived oversees for so many years, I never got to see the private side of him.

 

I have wanted to talk to his widow, but since we are no longer on speaking terms, that avenue is gone. I just have to coddle together what information I have been given and make my own conclusions. The biggest conclusion is that I really didn't know my older brother very well.

[lollipopspot]

I have wanted to talk to his widow, but since we are no longer on speaking terms, that avenue is gone. I just have to coddle together what information I have been given and make my own conclusions. The biggest conclusion is that I really didn't know my older brother very well.

 

That's too bad. Any way or desire to mend that? Through the children, she remains family.

[burnt]

I'm sitting here with tears running down my face and neck trying to make sense of why such a kind, brilliant man would allow the actions of one idiot to steer him to take his own life. He wasn't too old to find a new woman and start a new life. He had so much to live for.

 

He was a handsome man for his 56 years, and in very good shape. He was liked and respected by everyone who knew him. He had an ample, full retirement after thirty five years in the Air Force. His house was paid off. He volunteered helping wounded Iraq/Afghan veterans. The list goes on and on.

 

I'm so furious right now I'm shaking!!! I had to take time off from work, so I'm at home today. I just couldn't go in. The whole family is in shock. My sisters are beyond consoling. My daughter has slept with me the last three nights, because somehow she thinks I will kill myself! This has been very hard on her. She loved her uncle.

 

It is absolutely, without a doubt, the worst thing I have ever gone through in my life. My mom's cancer, even the horrors of my breakup with my ex-wife, were no match for the pain I'm going through now.

 

I have been contemplating on whether or not to reply to this post.

You (or others) will NOT like what I have to say. But mine is a different perspective I think you should consider.

 

I do not have any idea what you're going through. But I relate to your brother's experience more. I attempted; failed, clearly. I did not announce my plans, to anyone. I can guarantee I wouldn't have told anyone even if someone asked me.

 

It's an unimaginable pain, when you want to leave this world, and don't feel like you want to tell a single person--not anymore. You have finally given up in the world, the entire world.

 

In the aftermath, that's when the real horror show began to unfold. I heard the people visiting me crying their eyes out going on and on and on telling me how devastated they were, how much pain they went through, how their lives just froze etc etc etc after hearing about my suicidal attempt. Yet, they had zero understanding of what my emotional pain can really be like.

 

I let them talk, then I let them talk, then I let them talk, and cry and then I let them say things like "life is so beautiful, you have so much going for you, why would you want to kill yourself? Look at the brighter side of life, we are all here to help you…".

 

And I smiled and thanked them and said what they needed to hear "thank you so much and sorry for the pain I caused."

 

What comforted me was meeting and being in the presence of other people who attempted suicide. It comforted me (and I know it comforted the others) when we talked about how for years and years what we felt and how we HAD TO HIDE what we felt. People who attempt or commit suicide do so usually after fighting it for a LONG time and feeling disconnected, misunderstood, and invalidated for years and feeling like putting on a fake happy/functional persona for the sake of others.

 

All I can say is that right now if I were feeling like killing myself, I wouldn't have talked to someone who's mindset is "you're handsome and in good shape and got house paid off and you have so much to life for …".

 

Emotional pain is SOOOO invisible and devastating sometimes, that hearing statements like this from others can actually shut you out, and feeling like nobody around you understands the depth of your pain can actually make you feel more secretive about your suffering.

 

While no one knows what your brother really was thinking, but chances are his depression was building secretly for years and his wife's cheating just put him over the edge, but wasn't the SOLE cause.

 

Cephalopod, I am sorry for the pain you are feeling for the loss of your brother. I am not invalidating your pain.

 

But I do want to say this LOUD and clear:

Consider:

the pain he was feeling inside was so intense (for a long time perhaps) and was a LOT more than what you are feeling; except he couldn't and didn't know how to express it to others; at least you can talk about your pain openly to others here and others in person and get support.

For whatever reason your brother carried the weight of the entire world ON HIS OWN.

 

I'm so sorry for the pain your brother felt.

[Cephalopod]

That's too bad. Any way or desire to mend that? Through the children, she remains family.

 

Except for my oldest sister, the extended family has all but ostracized his WW. Her daughters are having Christmas dinner at my sister's house. Actually, I do not even think she has been invited at this point. My daughter and I are spending Christmas in Hawaii so we will not be around if any drama unfolds.

[ShatteredLady]

My brothers children are my family, our family. They are loved & supported to the very best of our ability. His ex will never be considered family. It's impossible. We are polite for the sake of the children.

 

Some people 'just' have affairs. Some 'just' get divorced. It's usually very painful & a huge life changing experience. Some others inflict unnecessary torture on their partners, breaking them down to their lowest point & then kick them down some more. Having experienced this kind of insanity I'm a lot more understanding.

[WaitingForBardot]

While in grad school a friend committed suicide after discovering his wife f*king someone in a back room at a party. I was with him at the same party, but didn't know anything about the wife until the next day. I was drinking and playing darts with him until after 2 am, several hours after catching his wife, and he seemed completely normal. On his way out he said he needed to stop by the lab to check on an experiment before heading home, not a unusual occurrence, and in fact did check his experiments, but then took cyanide. He was found early next morning by campus security.

 

I could never understand what he did or why he did it, and probably never will. The very idea of killing yourself over a woman, something so easily replaceable, is just unfathomable to me. The events of that night played over and over in my mind and I could never think of a single clue I should have picked up on that would have led me to believe he would do something like that.

 

I still think of him from time to time; very sad.

[burnt]

Now that hope is all gone. All because his wife couldn't keep her legs closed.

 

I have been reaching out to my brother's kids and calling them at least every other day. Two of them have flown back to their respective states and the youngest will be coming back here to stay with my sister after her first year of college is over. I hope I can step in and be a surrogate father figure to her. The poor girl is so lost, and her mother is useless...absolutely useless.

 

What is ironic is that now they have my sister in law on suicide watch. Can you believe that?

 

It is hard for me to feel like she didn't cause this.

 

But it will be a long time, if ever, before I forgive her for blowing up her family. She could have divorced him instead of leaving him for another man. She had options.

 

My brother may have in fact had a dark side to his life. I don't know.

 

Maybe he had long been struggling with a depression that had gone untreated? I know that if the Air Force had found out he suffered from a mental illness they would have kicked him out and he would have lost his full retirement. Maybe he hid it for that very reason. Maybe he was acting in a way that drove his wife into another mans' arms? Neither my sisters or I know anything. My brother was not the kind of guy who opened himself up to others, so if he was having problems he never told any of us.

 

I don't really know. She is being held for observation at a hospital nearby. I think the kids went and saw her a day or so after the funeral, before they had to leave. In talking to them they were in too much remorse for their dad's death to talk much about their mom. I would imagine they are pretty disgusted with her. I know the rest of us are.

 

I despise this whole situation along with the woman who caused it.

 

Well it the drama continues. Apparently the "widow" had some kind of psychological breakdown at a local supermarket yesterday.

 

I guess the OM realized what a complete piece of sh*t she is and refuses to leave his BW.

 

It's hard for me not to smile while typing this.

 

We all tried to tell him that his WW was the one who was messed up, that she was the one who was destroying the family.

 

Over the last few months I have come to accept that, separate from his marital problems and his wife's bad behavior, my brother was a deeply troubled man. As I have talked to his kids and gone back and analyzed his behavior, what has emerged is an understanding that my brother would have ended his own life no matter what any of us could have done. Nothing we would have said to him would have made any difference. His WW's betrayal was simply the final act that pushed him over the edge.

 

I copied a few of your own remarks above:

I just want to point out a few items to you OP:

 

(1) Please read all the posts you are posting. While I fully understand you are in pain, I'm finding all your posts speaking to something much more troubling about YOU than your brother's suicide. It speaks to how little understanding and considerations you have of other's pains. How little empathy you can feel for other's struggles. You seem to talk about nothing but your own pain.

 

(2) I'm glad that you are coming to understand that you have actually VERY little understanding of who your own brother was all these years. Try to ask yourself WHY. From all your comments you come accross as a very judgemental person--why on earth would your brother want to open up to someone like you? Yet he opened up about his problems to his wife and kids. Doesn't that say something? That his family knew, but his own siblings didn't?

 

(3) You are finding out about his troubled life from his kids--is it possible that his wife stood by him for years and endured a troubling marriage on her own before breaking down and cheating? Have you bothered to give her the credit for what she might have had to deal with alone? So you want to talk about who did what to him after his death, but no clue about what he was dealing with when he was alive? Why on earth would anyone want to talk to you when you are this judgemental?

 

(4) You are actually happy to hear that wife's had a psychotic breakdown? Really? No matter what she had done, now she has to deal with the guilt of her husband killing himself over her actions for the rest of her life. You can't understand or imagine how much trauma she might be in? I understand she's a cheater, but she's human too.

 

(5) PLEASE read every last statement you made about your SIL. The hate in your words towards her is troubling. You can disagree with my comments, but please do think about what I'm about to say:

 

You have an incredible amount of disgust and resentment towards your SIL (for perhaps justified reasons), but when you get together with your brother's kids, I wonder to what extent that is showing.

 

NO matter what their mother has done, she is still their mother. Do not instigate or fuel any hate towards their mother.

 

What's worse than their father killing himself, is their father killing himself because of their mother's cheating.

 

If you REALLY do care about those kids, then just be there--without any hate towards their mother. Help them make peace with what has happened--without judgement.

 

Teach them how to forgive (well you have to learn that yourself first though).

[ShatteredLady]

There are some events in life that are impossible to put into words. Sometimes even constructing sentences is hard. Growing-up our closest neighbors were a strange old couple 20mins walk away! It was just me & my brother. I can't even start to explain what loosing him in those circumstances has done to me.

 

I've been pleased to see some members asking people with 'firmer views' to back-off of newly BS because of the deep trauma they are living with. This is an enormous pain...oh I don't know how to say it!! Please don't start bashing & telling a sister that she should be analyzing herself & feeling guilt for her SIL or being absent for some of her brothers life.

 

Please believe me she has thought any bad thought you can think of & a million more! I know that some write on forums because they like to express themselves & analyze others. In most situations that's great. Oh I'm not saying this right!!

 

I've sat alone, so desperately alone & just needed to reach out to the human word. I've felt so weak & lost & desperate. We don't ALL need to be hit over the head or told to pull our socks up. I'm not forgiving the woman who destroyed my only brother. Does that make me flawed as a person? Probably. People I love are the walking dead over this. It astounds me that people would call a W, mother "so easily replaced".

 

I'm just sorry.

[ShatteredLady]

Sorry Burnt. I've read many of your posts that have touched me deeply. Your post hit a very sore & bitter nerve very hard. I have a gaping hole inside that I frequently fill with the sweetest memories of my beloved. Sometimes the pain returns & it's beyond anything I can touch. I think of his cold body laying there & my father trying to wake him & my mother crying holding his body until the police made her let go.....

[pteromom]

Except for my oldest sister, the extended family has all but ostracized his WW. Her daughters are having Christmas dinner at my sister's house. Actually, I do not even think she has been invited at this point. My daughter and I are spending Christmas in Hawaii so we will not be around if any drama unfolds.

 

This is very sad to me.

 

Yes, she made some poor choices to have an affair. And yes, the affair may have been the straw that led to your brother making the choice he did to end his life.

 

At the same time - you do not know what was going on in their marriage. You say your brother was deeply troubled, so it would be naive to believe that his issues didn't surface in many ways inside his marriage.

 

Again - I am not saying that she was in the right to have an affair. It's terrible, and it is a guilt and shame she will live with for the rest of her life.

 

But you just don't know.

 

I would find a way to reach out. For the kids, and for your brother. If he had been thinking clearly, I am sure this is not the outcome he would have wanted on any level.

 

I am so very sorry for your loss.

[Cephalopod]

Thank you all.

[Cephalopod]

My original post was written in pain and anger. I apologize if I offended anyone with my words. But, it was what I was feeling at the time. I was trying to be honest with how I felt. If I came across as judgmental towards my exSIL then I guess I was.

 

I don't feel any judgement towards her anymore. If she was to be punished for what she did, she is being punished now. She is pretty much completely mentally ill and dependent on her kids now. She is back home but her daughters are having to pay her utility bills and get her to the psychiatrist every week. The house is up for sale. It is all very sad.

 

As for their marriage the last few years? No, I was not there. I didn't have a bug's eye view of what went on behind closed doors. But from what I have understood from my nieces, my brother was never abusive or hateful towards his wife and kids. Most of his depression manifested in periods of withdrawal and isolation, but then he would snap out of it and be cheerful and funny and productive. It was this back and forth that made me think he might have been bi-polar. As for the state of their marriage pre-A, my nieces said they were as normal a couple as could be. They seemed very affectionate, they argued occasionally, but there was never any signs of trouble or discord. During prior family get-togethers the two of them always sat close and seemed very happy. They appeared to be a good team.

 

So, honestly, I do not know if my brother's problems eroded his relationship with his wife. I just don't know.

 

What I do know is that her affair turned her into a very cruel and spiteful person after it was exposed and she refused to stop it. She said awful, hurtful, emasculating things to him in front of their daughters. I was not there when these things happened, I can only go by what my nieces and sisters have told me.

 

And much of my anger and judgmental attitude came from my own experience with adultery, as my exWW treated me in much the same way.

 

I guess I was judgmental because I was angry at her. I'm not angry at her anymore. I'm just very sad. If the rest of the family wants to re-accept her into the fold, then I am all for it, but she would have to show me some remorse and she would need to show me she was working on figuring out why she did what she did and take responsibility for it. From what I gather she has not done either. Maybe she is too mentally sick to do so. I really don't know.

[ShatteredLady]

Quote : "What I do know is that her affair turned her into a very cruel and spiteful person after it was exposed and she refused to stop it. She said awful, hurtful, emasculating things to him in front of their daughters. I was not there when these things happened, I can only go by what my nieces and sisters have told me.

 

And much of my anger and judgmental attitude came from my own experience with adultery, as my exWW treated me in much the same way. "

 

 

I could of written this! It's what I mean by "some 'just' have affairs". There's a level of cruelty that's just beyond me! I understand that when a marriage is ok there NEEDS to be rewriting of history & vilanizing, degrading of the BS so they can justify to themselves what they're doing. Ugh!!

 

My SIL withheld sex until she convinced him to have a vasectomy. He wasn't 'that' against it really, it only took a couple of weeks!! Why do that? Then tell him that no woman would have a looser with 4 kids who couldn't make kids!! Oh I could go on forever!

 

I'm selfish. I know he's not hurting anymore but I'M HURTING SO MUCH & I've lost my only brother. When my parents pass I will be so alone. I'm selfish. I NEED him so much & he will never be there for me. I'm selfish.

[burnt]

Hi ShatteredLady and Cephalopod,

 

I genuinely am sorry that my words caused you pain. And I understand that--we relate to other's words, just as much we relate to other's experiences. My intention was not to cause pain, but to communicate a few thoughts. My words came out harsh, I do recognize that, but I do hope both you and OP can see past it and consider the possible validity of the points I'm bringing out.

 

Put yourself in my shoes: I read OP's posts, and felt troubled by what he was saying--what I wrote, believe it or not, was out of good intentions--to point out a different perspective. I did not intend to bash him, but I did use harsh words in my message.

 

Please try to understand, we all see and interpret things differently, but may still be valid in our own ways.

 

Let me try to clarify something:

There are four parties involved in OP's case:

 

(1) OP; I validated his pain and his loss. I acknowledged that I don't know what it feels like to be in his shoes. But here's the thing: OP is getting support in grieving and mourning for the loss in his personal life from family and friends and after posting in LS, has received numerous kind words of compassion and support. I believe mine was the only 'harsh' cruel post. Believe me when I say this: I only posted once I saw that most people were sympathetic to OP's post.

 

(2) Brother: As I mentioned, I myself suffered from this for my whole life and attempted multiple times. I understand what the brother went through. I HAD to say to OP and to others, that until you yourself are suicidal for a long time, you don't know what kind of ways you hide it for years and get no support (not in real life, nor in online). It creates a sense of loneliness unfathomable. I had to point out, that nobody really knows fully what the extent of his mental illness was like. Only he knew. Suicidal people learn early on that YOU MUST NEVER EVER TALK ABOUT IT--because people around you don't really understand how it feels. So what support system did he have?

 

(3) SIL: While I acknowledged her wrong-doings, I also am trying to say nobody fully knows to what extent and for how long she was placed in a tough position before she turned into the 'bad' person. That there is another side to the story too. You don't really know before she became so cruel, for how many years she might have actually lived and actually supported her husband's illness? (I, as I find myself as the OW now, look back, and cannot fully understand how I got here--trust me, what I did was wrong, but it didn't happen over night; the price I pay is inhumane.) So I wonder what support system the SIL has now being where she is.

 

(4) children: The unluckiest of all; with a deceased father and mother vilified by the world, they will pay a hefty price. I actually know what it feels like when your own mother is ridiculed, humiliated and vilified for being incompetent, bad, and worthless by the father's relatives. It has damaged me beyond you can imagine.

 

So, here's the thing:

I spoke, had to speak, even if my words were harsh,

only to say:

 

I relate to the brother, as I understand invisible unspoken pain of suicide

I relate to the SIL, as I understand how one turns into 'evil' OW, and gets no support and body truly knows the full story

I relate to the kids, as I myself know of what it feels like to have your mother put down like that.

 

I'm sorry, but I had to speak for all of them, to say,

I validate the OP's pain, as everyone is in this thread,

 

but I also validate all other three parties' lack of support, suffering and misfortune--without judgement.

 

All I'm trying to say is that to we can still provide compassion for one, without casting judgement for another.

 

I'm trying to say:

I'm sorry for your pain OP, but I'm also sorry for what everyone else is and has endured and please try to see that EVERYONE lost in this war, and the cause is not one person, but is most likely the result of many things gone wrong over many years.

[Cephalopod]

I don't think my SIL is evil. I do believe that, for whatever reason, she gave herself permission to betray her husband and kids and that led her down a road of extreme selfishness and narcissism, that I believe was contrary to her true nature.

 

When she was confronted with her poor behavior, she reacted like a cornered animal. She was so intent on preserving her wayward fantasy that she turned on the one person who loved her more than any other.

 

The great mystery of adultery.

 

When my brother killed himself, I believe that psychological construct she had created to justify her behavior imploded in on her. She was consumed by her own avarice and it drove her over the edge. Her mind could not take the totality of what was happening and a breaker tripped in her head. She shut off. Now she's having to pick up the pieces of her shattered psyche.

 

I do pity her.

[ShatteredLady]

If my SIL had displayed ANY of these characteristics I believe that I would feel VERY differently. She brought the OM to my brothers inquest!! He sat, chatted & LAUGHED at MY BROTHERS INQUEST! If you don't understand what I'm saying you are VERY lucky!!

 

I can't unlive my life's experiences & neither can my brothers wife. I have no doubt that the fact that she lost the man that she loved for so many years while he had a different girlfriend. The man she finally got. The man she married. The man she loved for all of those years & had 4 children with. The man she LOVED for nearly ALL of her life taking his life because of HER actions is an unimaginable pain.

 

Can anyone learn anything from this?

 

What % of people desperately regret affairs?

 

Oh if just ONE person could realize what they're doing BEFORE they do it!!

 

Do you HATE, I mean venomously HATE your W/H??

 

Why would anyone inflict pain like this?

[pteromom]

But from what I have understood from my nieces, my brother was never abusive or hateful towards his wife and kids.

 

I like your post, and you seem very thoughtful about the whole thing. And yes, of course you had anger toward your SIL! It may have not been her "fault" that he made his choice, but he may have not made it if she had been kinder to him. We'll never know.

 

I will say to your quote above though, that it is possible for abuse and hatefulness to happen once the kids are in bed, and in very subversive ways that the kids just don't see - little cutting comments or nods to past arguments. An abused spouse can put on a very happy face in front of the kids, and shield them from it.

 

Not saying that your brother was abusive... very possible that he wasn't. Even possible that your SIL was secretly abusive herself. But your nieces wouldn't necessarily know what was happening in the marriage behind closed doors.

 

The whole thing is just so sad for everyone. This is how suicide can affect so many people. Someone may believe that nobody will care or miss them, but now we have a wife who will be messed up for the rest of her life, children who will carry their father's suicide story into every relationship they ever have, a brother and other family members who are left with this giant question that will never have an answer... it's just never the right answer. And I am so sorry that your brother made that choice.

[Cephalopod]

Found out last night that my brother's wayward widow will be at my sister's house for Christmas dinner. I'm not sure how I feel about it, but I want to show solidarity with the family even though I do not feel particularly amicable towards her.