Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[jenkins95]

(((Lemondrop)))

 

(((Lemondrop's mother)))

 

Know that we are thinking of you both. Stay strong for each other. If this awful situation can help you finally break free from xMM, then that will be a great gift from your mother to you.

 

Thanks for all the amazing support you have given me over these months. Know that I am there for you too.

Edited July 7, 2016 by jenkins95

[rainbowsandkittens]

Sending you and your mom good thoughts, LD. I'm so sorry that you're going through this and that you feel alone. I know the feeling of not really having anyone else to depend on. It's not a consolation but I know everyone here is thinking of you and here if you need to chat. I, for one, can always be PM'ed if you want to vent

[lemondrop21]

I saw xMM today at work today; it had been 4 weeks. Luckily he had the sense not to really say anything when I told him everything about my mom, her treatment possibilities, her moods, financial stuff, and on, and on, and on. Because there is literally nothing in this world he can say or do to make it better. He knows I would be better off now, facing my mom's diagnosis, had I never met him. He has not done one thing for me in life. Not one.

 

So yeah.. he had sent me a message asking how I was and if I wanted to stop by his office, so I did, and I told him how f***ing awful everything is, and then I just left. He looked at me just before I left and he was biting his lip and his face was red and I don't even know what the hell he was thinking.

 

I don't even know if he cares about me anymore, or if he's just afraid of me ruining his precious perfect life because I go off the deep end because my mom has terminal cancer.

 

Anyway, I just needed to vent here. I think about the A way less than I used to obviously, I'm too busy thinking about my mom; making phone calls; discussing options; figuring out when I'm going to move back or if I'm going to work remotely, or what; crying; feeling numb; feeling like I'm in a horror movie.

 

I am somewhat thankful that by the time this happened, I had already detached a good deal from xMM and he had shown his true colors, and told me that there was no future between us, and generally acted like an a$$ the past 6 months or so, and I had started dating. I can't imagine how I would have felt if this would have happened when he was still claiming to want a possible future for us. Because obviously then he would have dropped me like a hot potato if I asked him to please get moving on our "future" so that he could support me in a real way while my mom is fighting her cancer that will eventually take her away.

 

I haven't read any of your threads in a while but I hope all of you are well and moving on from these horrendous affairs, and ESPECIALLY single OW because keep in mind that if something bad happens in your life, he will NOT be there. And in some cases, it IS preferable to have no one and to be alone, rather than to "have" some sliver of someone who isn't truly yours at all.

[Bufo]

For once I'll be brief. You hit the nail on the head. He is concerned that his perfect world will come crashing down due to disclosure. So he is playing the concerned friend role now. Just not very well. Probably sincerity isn't something he does well.

 

I'm keeping you in my thoughts. This struggle will be hard.

[Lobe]

Only two things.

 

One: I'm so glad you're finding strength to focus on you and your mom.

 

Two: F*ck cancer.

[pooldog]

I don't know you because I am new. But your story is so harsh. I am sorry your mom has cancer and I just want to send my support. My exh died of cancer six years ago and it was a hard year because our son was just 13.

 

It is such a shock when someone you know and love gets cancer. It is like your whole world just stops and it's so sad and overwhelming and it all revolves around the illness. It's like a big black cloud. No one knows what to say or they say the wrong thing.

 

I think you did good to be so authentic and then just walk away.

 

Don't forget to take care of yourself. Sometimes you need to just walk away and focus on something else and you can come back fresh. One day you will be very happy you made the decision to help your mom and your life will have a new clarity and peace.

 

I never thought I could deal with being left alone to care for my son and to help him and deal with legal battles after my ex passed but I did it and now we are in a good place. One foot in front of the other every day my friend. One day at a time.

 

 

 

I saw xMM today at work today; it had been 4 weeks. Luckily he had the sense not to really say anything when I told him everything about my mom, her treatment possibilities, her moods, financial stuff, and on, and on, and on. Because there is literally nothing in this world he can say or do to make it better. He knows I would be better off now, facing my mom's diagnosis, had I never met him. He has not done one thing for me in life. Not one.

 

So yeah.. he had sent me a message asking how I was and if I wanted to stop by his office, so I did, and I told him how f***ing awful everything is, and then I just left. He looked at me just before I left and he was biting his lip and his face was red and I don't even know what the hell he was thinking.

 

I don't even know if he cares about me anymore, or if he's just afraid of me ruining his precious perfect life because I go off the deep end because my mom has terminal cancer.

 

Anyway, I just needed to vent here. I think about the A way less than I used to obviously, I'm too busy thinking about my mom; making phone calls; discussing options; figuring out when I'm going to move back or if I'm going to work remotely, or what; crying; feeling numb; feeling like I'm in a horror movie.

 

I am somewhat thankful that by the time this happened, I had already detached a good deal from xMM and he had shown his true colors, and told me that there was no future between us, and generally acted like an a$$ the past 6 months or so, and I had started dating. I can't imagine how I would have felt if this would have happened when he was still claiming to want a possible future for us. Because obviously then he would have dropped me like a hot potato if I asked him to please get moving on our "future" so that he could support me in a real way while my mom is fighting her cancer that will eventually take her away.

 

I haven't read any of your threads in a while but I hope all of you are well and moving on from these horrendous affairs, and ESPECIALLY single OW because keep in mind that if something bad happens in your life, he will NOT be there. And in some cases, it IS preferable to have no one and to be alone, rather than to "have" some sliver of someone who isn't truly yours at all.

[Sabella]

((((LD))))

 

I'm glad to hear an update from you sister. All things considered, you are so very strong and holding it all together. I think you are probably right and exAp is is caught between worrying about you and trying to control the situation so it doesn't blow up in his face. Most men don't do very well with women when we are emotional. It kind of scrambles their brains and freaks them out a bit. And you hit the nail on the head when you said he couldn't do anything to help you. That part is rough, I know.

 

I am really amazed and proud of how much clarity you obtained about A recently, I also know how freaking hard it must be sorting that out along with the emotional toll of your mom's illness. Hang in there.

 

I've seen all the sides of cancer sadly, lost my dad to stomach cancer when I was younger (my mom recently passed from congestive heart failure) and recently watched a friend battle a rare form of breast cancer and beat it. (well remission) Lobe is right, cancer sucks. It's such a horrid thing to watch happen to someone you love. Please remember to care for yourself too, it's so easy to burn yourself out.

 

Big hugs to you, please keep checking in when you can, as you are often on my mind. I know you have a lot going on and won't be able to write here very often, but that's ok. I'm singing you the Rocky theme song in my head and sending you cyber (((hugs)))

Edited July 20, 2016 by Sabella

[BenchCoach]

My deepest condolences to you on your mother's condition.

 

 

That being said, don't you feel it might he best to truly go NC with MM and seek a more "pleasant" environment as you try and detach? This coming to mean, finding another job at a different company somewhere. Wouldn't that be the more health thing to do?

 

I feel that when your mom does pass away, your feeling of loneliness and despair will only lead you back into the arms of said man.

[Poppy47]

Totally selfish A hole. Your Mother has cancer and he is concerned about himself.

 

Poppy.

[lemondrop21]

My deepest condolences to you on your mother's condition.

 

 

That being said, don't you feel it might he best to truly go NC with MM and seek a more "pleasant" environment as you try and detach? This coming to mean, finding another job at a different company somewhere. Wouldn't that be the more health thing to do?

 

I feel that when your mom does pass away, your feeling of loneliness and despair will only lead you back into the arms of said man.

 

Totally understand where you're coming from - but if you read my backstory, the situation is more complicated than normal. I have an overseas job and leaving this job means leaving the country. Right now I'm trying to work out a schedule for the next couple months where I work part of the time remotely from where my mom lives. Beyond that it will entirely depend on what's best for my mom, and for my financial situation to help support her. At this point xMM just can't be a factor.

 

I also think he will be the least comforting person on the planet once my mom passes.

 

On another note... I had a thought these last couple days about people who are cheating and want to leave their marriage (whether for an "other" or just out of unhappiness) but "can't do it" because of the kids, finances, whatever. I admit there are some extreme financial situations that prevent leaving (especially for women) but so much of the time, "can't do it" actually just means "afraid to go through the pain of divorce." When life deals you really tough sh**, like a family member with cancer, you just deal with it. You get through it because you HAVE to get through it. Yet, when it comes to making a CHOICE that causes temporary pain... So many will not. Instead, they continue to string along their spouse and pretend they are happy and avoid the sharp pain of divorce, favoring a dull, simmering pain that goes on for years. Why is that? Is it because they've never faced anything tougher, and pain is all relative?

 

I am starting to feel that if I can get through this time in my life, with my mom dying of terminal cancer which I'm handling nearly alone, then I can get through anything that my future holds in store for me. Including divorce if that ends up being the unfortunate fate of my marriage. I feel I could handle the pain of walking away from my spouse if I needed to, because admitting to someone that your marriage isn't working and isn't going to work in the future is sometimes the bravest choice to make (assuming you've given it a fair shot). And yes, I feel I could look my kids in the eye and tell them we're going to live in separate houses now and hold them as they cry, because I would know that me and their father would be committed to being the best damn co-parents in the world and that in the long term, the kids would adjust and turn out okay.

 

Obviously there are many situations when the best choice is to stay in the marriage. And I'm not talking about my own xMM here because I don't know, and can't know, the true state of his marriage. But I do know that I see an awful lot of unhappy people here on LS - some who have been cheated on repeatedly, some who are perpetually unhappy and continue to cheat and hate themselves for it - and I can't help but think, come on guys. Be brave. Go through the temporary pain and come out stronger than you ever knew you could be. Because you will survive. And eventually even thrive. That's what us humans do.

[Bufo]

LD. Thank you for posting one of the best messages I've ever read here

 

The difference in your attitude from beginning to end is itself inspirational and should be required reading for newly-arrived OW. It would save them a lot of heartache.

[pooldog]

Your words are beautiful - sending you support for the day! Thank you for sharing your story with us.

 

Totally understand where you're coming from - but if you read my backstory, the situation is more complicated than normal. I have an overseas job and leaving this job means leaving the country. Right now I'm trying to work out a schedule for the next couple months where I work part of the time remotely from where my mom lives. Beyond that it will entirely depend on what's best for my mom, and for my financial situation to help support her. At this point xMM just can't be a factor.

 

I also think he will be the least comforting person on the planet once my mom passes.

 

On another note... I had a thought these last couple days about people who are cheating and want to leave their marriage (whether for an "other" or just out of unhappiness) but "can't do it" because of the kids, finances, whatever. I admit there are some extreme financial situations that prevent leaving (especially for women) but so much of the time, "can't do it" actually just means "afraid to go through the pain of divorce." When life deals you really tough sh**, like a family member with cancer, you just deal with it. You get through it because you HAVE to get through it. Yet, when it comes to making a CHOICE that causes temporary pain... So many will not. Instead, they continue to string along their spouse and pretend they are happy and avoid the sharp pain of divorce, favoring a dull, simmering pain that goes on for years. Why is that? Is it because they've never faced anything tougher, and pain is all relative?

 

I am starting to feel that if I can get through this time in my life, with my mom dying of terminal cancer which I'm handling nearly alone, then I can get through anything that my future holds in store for me. Including divorce if that ends up being the unfortunate fate of my marriage. I feel I could handle the pain of walking away from my spouse if I needed to, because admitting to someone that your marriage isn't working and isn't going to work in the future is sometimes the bravest choice to make (assuming you've given it a fair shot). And yes, I feel I could look my kids in the eye and tell them we're going to live in separate houses now and hold them as they cry, because I would know that me and their father would be committed to being the best damn co-parents in the world and that in the long term, the kids would adjust and turn out okay.

 

Obviously there are many situations when the best choice is to stay in the marriage. And I'm not talking about my own xMM here because I don't know, and can't know, the true state of his marriage. But I do know that I see an awful lot of unhappy people here on LS - some who have been cheated on repeatedly, some who are perpetually unhappy and continue to cheat and hate themselves for it - and I can't help but think, come on guys. Be brave. Go through the temporary pain and come out stronger than you ever knew you could be. Because you will survive. And eventually even thrive. That's what us humans do.

[heartwhole]

(((Lemon drop)))

 

I think it's empowering and healthy that you realize we must all take charge of our own happiness. I have a dear friend whose husband is emotionally and physically disabled after a failed suicide attempt. He sleeps all day, can't work, and has lost interest in sex. They have no kids and she could easily start over, but she chooses to make herself happy within her marriage. I admire her a lot.

 

I can't speak for everyone in affairs of course, but I think their choice to enjoy another person's love secretly says a lot about their inability to face hard things and to own their own destiny. So yeah, no wonder they aren't happy.

 

They say that happiness levels remain pretty constant for most people. Whether you experience good fortune or catastrophic loss, most people will return to their baseline pretty quickly. So the most important things are your own temperament and perspective. Empathy and resilience are important qualities that I hope to impart to my children so that they do not grow up to be adults who blameshift and play the victim, and who then justify all sorts of dysfunctional behavior out of an abundance of self-pity. My experience with my husband's infidelity has given me some clarity there that I wouldn't have had otherwise, it's true. Experience is quite the teacher.

 

Continued hugs and well wishes as you care for your mom.

[BenchCoach]

Including divorce if that ends up being the unfortunate fate of my marriage. I feel I could handle the pain of walking away from my spouse if I needed to, because admitting to someone that your marriage isn't working and isn't going to work in the future is sometimes the bravest choice to make (assuming you've given it a fair shot).

 

I must've missed it. I wasn't aware you were married.

 

I'm assuming you and your him are not very close, as you mention no support of any kind from your husband in dealing with your mother's unfortunate circumstances.

[Grey Cloud]

I must've missed it. I wasn't aware you were married.

 

I'm assuming you and your him are not very close, as you mention no support of any kind from your husband in dealing with your mother's unfortunate circumstances.

 

Lemon Drop is not married. She was speaking hypothetically.

 

Thinking of you LD!

[lemondrop21]

Correct, I am speaking hypothetically as I am not married. And I certainly don't mean to minimize anyone's pain if they're going through a divorce especially since for many, the grieving process can be similar to that of a death. In the above post, I THINK I could walk away from a marriage if I needed to, but I fully admit that I haven't walked that road.

 

My thoughts are for the people out there who just KNOW it's time to throw in the towel for whatever reason, but can't quite do it (ESPECIALLY those in psychologically or physically abusive relationships). It's hard to voluntarily throw yourself into a sh*t storm. Really, really hard.

 

But the weird thing is, once you're doing it, you're doing it. When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a little over one year ago (long term relationship), it was after years of mulling it over in my mind, of being unhappy, of never feeling like my voice was hear. But I was frightened of what I might be throwing away and yes, reluctant to be alone again.

 

Then all of a sudden, I just did it. It felt surreal. I was finally doing it, and I kept going. I kept going through the doubts about whether I'd made the right decision, the longings, his pleading, my own drama with xMM that made him seem like a saint in comparison, and finally his getting a new girlfriend. I certainly felt pain, but I kept going.

 

Then I came into this new sh*t storm of my mom's cancer. I didn't choose this. It just happened. The first couple days I honestly wished I could just make it all go away magically somehow. I almost wanted to run away and hide. I kept saying to myself "How can I possibly do this alone? How?"

 

But I am doing it. I am pushing through, and trying to be the best I can be for my mom. And I've surprised myself by realizing that I don't actually miss my ex boyfriend, the one who I had such a hard time breaking up with. The past year has allowed me to detach and has given me perspective. At first, when my mom was diagnosed, I thought, it would be better to have somebody than nobody to get me through this. I don't believe that anymore. It would be better to have the right somebody. But right now, the best I've got is myself. And I know I can do it.

 

Sending everyone brave thoughts today.

[SweetiePi]

You are tough Lemon! You got this! I saw my mom through the last years of her life. I was very blessed to have other family member's support such as my sister in law. It broke my heart to see her dying as I am sure you are facing this too. My heart goes out to you!

 

 

 

But I am doing it. I am pushing through, and trying to be the best I can be for my mom. And I've surprised myself by realizing that I don't actually miss my ex boyfriend, the one who I had such a hard time breaking up with. The past year has allowed me to detach and has given me perspective. At first, when my mom was diagnosed, I thought, it would be better to have somebody than nobody to get me through this. I don't believe that anymore. It would be better to have the right somebody. But right now, the best I've got is myself. And I know I can do it.

 

Sending everyone brave thoughts today.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Correct, I am speaking hypothetically as I am not married. And I certainly don't mean to minimize anyone's pain if they're going through a divorce especially since for many, the grieving process can be similar to that of a death. In the above post, I THINK I could walk away from a marriage if I needed to, but I fully admit that I haven't walked that road.

 

My thoughts are for the people out there who just KNOW it's time to throw in the towel for whatever reason, but can't quite do it (ESPECIALLY those in psychologically or physically abusive relationships). It's hard to voluntarily throw yourself into a sh*t storm. Really, really hard.

 

But the weird thing is, once you're doing it, you're doing it. When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend a little over one year ago (long term relationship), it was after years of mulling it over in my mind, of being unhappy, of never feeling like my voice was hear. But I was frightened of what I might be throwing away and yes, reluctant to be alone again.

 

Then all of a sudden, I just did it. It felt surreal. I was finally doing it, and I kept going. I kept going through the doubts about whether I'd made the right decision, the longings, his pleading, my own drama with xMM that made him seem like a saint in comparison, and finally his getting a new girlfriend. I certainly felt pain, but I kept going.

 

Then I came into this new sh*t storm of my mom's cancer. I didn't choose this. It just happened. The first couple days I honestly wished I could just make it all go away magically somehow. I almost wanted to run away and hide. I kept saying to myself "How can I possibly do this alone? How?"

 

But I am doing it. I am pushing through, and trying to be the best I can be for my mom. And I've surprised myself by realizing that I don't actually miss my ex boyfriend, the one who I had such a hard time breaking up with. The past year has allowed me to detach and has given me perspective. At first, when my mom was diagnosed, I thought, it would be better to have somebody than nobody to get me through this. I don't believe that anymore. It would be better to have the right somebody. But right now, the best I've got is myself. And I know I can do it.

 

Sending everyone brave thoughts today.

 

Hi LemonDrop, I have followed your thread and I am very sorry about your mom. I am here daily but often am not sure what to post. So many new people who come and go and I see the pattern in all the relationships. I hope you are doing okay, as well as can be under the circumstances.

[lemondrop21]

I feel so angry today and just have to get it out somewhere. I know it's irrational because I was a willing participant in the A. I also held onto very little, if any, delusion that he would ever leave w. But nonetheless I am just so angry and I absolutely hate it. I hate feeling this way.

 

I am jealous of w and it makes me sick. I hate being jealous. But it's there today, so strong. I imagine them sending the kids back to school. They have hired help now and w works part time so now she gets to come home and be with the youngest in the early afternoon and get herself freshened up before he gets home. Then they sit down to a meal that neither of them has to cook, play with the kids afterwards, cuddle on the couch before bed, then go have the sex that I know they're now having. Talk about their next vacation... They're now going on 4-5 vacations a year. What a life.

 

And then there's me. I'm now flying frequently between home and the country where I work which takes nearly 24 hours travel time or in the event of a flight cancelation as happened to me last week, 40 hours. I'm managing every aspect of my mother's care and treatment and trying to move her to a more appropriate place and researching treatment options and trying to keep my attitude positive for her sake and not cry in front of her but sometimes I fail. We are very different people and still have our differences but she is my mom and I love her and she's dying and some days I feel I am dying inside as well. I am doing this all on my own. My mom has few friends and won't speak to her siblings after a dispute last year.

 

When I last talked to xMM a couple weeks ago, we talked about what happened in the spring and he had the nerve to say that his feelings for me changed because he "saw a side of me he hadn't seen before" and he told me that's when he decided we had no future together. This was when I acted cold and sometimes even mean to him, after he expressed to me that he wanted to re-start the A and stay in his marriage... THAT was the point at which I took this to mean that we had no future. I had to be cold. I learned to be someone I never have been before, to protect myself and my heart. Now he blames me because it's easier than admitting to himself or to me that he was never going to leave her anyway.

 

I just can't stand these feelings because they are so unlike me. I don't wish ill on w in the slightest - I don't even know her - I just somehow wish it was me. I wish they had divorced long before I met him and that she was happily married to someone else or something... I dunno. I suppose I don't really wish this because he has shown through his actions and blame-shifting that he is not who he thought he was, and I know I deserve better. Ok, so here is what I wish... That I had never met him and that their lives were going on happily without any involvement from me ever having occurred. That I was now in a relationship with someone who could really be there for me. That my mom wasn't sick. All of those things are what I wish.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I feel so angry today and just have to get it out somewhere. I know it's irrational because I was a willing participant in the A. I also held onto very little, if any, delusion that he would ever leave w. But nonetheless I am just so angry and I absolutely hate it. I hate feeling this way.

 

I am jealous of w and it makes me sick. I hate being jealous. But it's there today, so strong. I imagine them sending the kids back to school. They have hired help now and w works part time so now she gets to come home and be with the youngest in the early afternoon and get herself freshened up before he gets home. Then they sit down to a meal that neither of them has to cook, play with the kids afterwards, cuddle on the couch before bed, then go have the sex that I know they're now having. Talk about their next vacation... They're now going on 4-5 vacations a year. What a life.

 

And then there's me. I'm now flying frequently between home and the country where I work which takes nearly 24 hours travel time or in the event of a flight cancelation as happened to me last week, 40 hours. I'm managing every aspect of my mother's care and treatment and trying to move her to a more appropriate place and researching treatment options and trying to keep my attitude positive for her sake and not cry in front of her but sometimes I fail. We are very different people and still have our differences but she is my mom and I love her and she's dying and some days I feel I am dying inside as well. I am doing this all on my own. My mom has few friends and won't speak to her siblings after a dispute last year.

 

When I last talked to xMM a couple weeks ago, we talked about what happened in the spring and he had the nerve to say that his feelings for me changed because he "saw a side of me he hadn't seen before" and he told me that's when he decided we had no future together. This was when I acted cold and sometimes even mean to him, after he expressed to me that he wanted to re-start the A and stay in his marriage... THAT was the point at which I took this to mean that we had no future. I had to be cold. I learned to be someone I never have been before, to protect myself and my heart. Now he blames me because it's easier than admitting to himself or to me that he was never going to leave her anyway.

 

I just can't stand these feelings because they are so unlike me. I don't wish ill on w in the slightest - I don't even know her - I just somehow wish it was me. I wish they had divorced long before I met him and that she was happily married to someone else or something... I dunno. I suppose I don't really wish this because he has shown through his actions and blame-shifting that he is not who he thought he was, and I know I deserve better. Ok, so here is what I wish... That I had never met him and that their lives were going on happily without any involvement from me ever having occurred. That I was now in a relationship with someone who could really be there for me. That my mom wasn't sick. All of those things are what I wish.

 

Hi Lemon. I am sorry about your mom.

 

I know your story so I wanted to comment. As an aside, I am spending hours on LS each day and I need to get back to my work, I'm so behind.

 

First, you know what I am going to say about his wife - of course you don't want to be her. All the money in the world does not make up for the fact that her husband is cheating on her behind her back. I realize, yes, perhaps I am a hypocrite saying that, but it is what it is. He got away with it and there will be more OW. At least you got away from him and are not spending your life on the side of his marriage.

 

I get the envy of course. I also got divorced and was alone for years. I don't have money like that, so I get it. There is no reason in the world you can't meet someone great - and available - and as for money, figure out what you want in life and make a plan to get it. Make your own money, this way you will never be like xMM's wife - she is trapped you see. You don't want to be like that. All that is attainable - new man for Lemon, check, making money, check. You can have whatever you want in life. Every day is a new day.

 

"Now he blames me because it's easier than admitting to himself or to me that he was never going to leave her anyway."

 

I heard stuff like this too. There are no easy fixes for this one. The best thing to do is continue to have no conversation. No talking = no mean things he can say. I'm sorry. I do relate. My xMM has been horrible to me, I get it.

 

And I get the wish that you never met him. Believe me, I feel the same way. I regret everything. Besides the obvious (that it never happened at all), I regret not keeping NC back in September 15, and then not keeping NC back in Jan - May. I kept it going on and on and on. But what are you going to do. You draw a line and say, today I start, and go from there.

 

I just wanted you to know I have a lot of these feelings. I hate his wife. I want to send her all his communications from when he came back. I want her to know what a liar she is married to. I want to ruin his world, destroy him. I'm trying to just let it go.

 

I'm sorry you are having a rough day.

[heartwhole]

Oh girlfriend, I hear you. I do, I do.

 

I very much relate to the BW in your situation. I seem to "have it all" -- a cushy life with vacations, help, the doting WH, etc. I don't, of course, have it all, especially in light of a DD, but you don't have the closure that comes from a DD, which is a blessing and a curse for you.

 

I can't help but feel weirdly linked to the OW. I mean, we are the only two people who have ever slept with my husband. As far as I can tell, she's still single and leaving the door open to him all this time later. It's hard just to pretend that she doesn't exist. When I would check her social media, if she posted something happy, I'd feel kind of glad that she was maybe moving on, and kind of annoyed that something good happened to her. If she posted she was sad, I'd feel kind of sorry for her, as though I'm responsible for her pain by proxy, and kind of angry that she didn't get how she brought it on herself, and kind of indifferent . . . My feelings are just all over the place as my head and heart duke it out.

 

Are you doing anything to pick the scabs? I just installed extensions on my browsers and blocked myself from visiting her social media. (I also set a time limit on visiting LoveShack each day, haha.) I deleted Instagram because I would use it to check up on her. It's one thing to deal with my feelings about my husband betraying me, but it's another to keep this imaginary conversation I have with her going in my head.

 

Anyway, your feelings are all valid and make sense. Intellectually, you know that xMM is all kinds of screwed up and narcissistic and that you wouldn't actually be happy with him IRL. You are not a cruel person and you feel terrible being jealous of BW and being part of him betraying her. But emotionally you have all these feelings and because of the nature of an affair, it never ends cleanly like an open relationship, and you have to patch together some kind of closure for yourself.

 

How are you doing with support for yourself during this hard time? Are you in IC? Have you reached out to friends? I think you need some emotional support right now, and I suspect there are some people who have the desire and room in their lives to spend more time with you, if you'll be conscious about reaching out.

 

Hang in there LD. And good riddance to xMM. Ugh, the arrogance . . . "I would have condescended to continue an affair with you, but YOU are too cold for ME so I reject you . . ." Get over yourself, xMM. You're just a dirty, lying cheater.

 

Anger, in my opinion, is good. Don't try to swallow it back down. Let it out. It will give you the strength to make positive changes in your life. Yes, you made bad choices too, but that doesn't make xMM's treatment of you OK. If bad choices were an excuse to abuse others, then I would be slapping my WH silly right this moment . . . You can be angry about how he's mistreated you while still recognizing your own role in the situation.

[imperfectangel]

((((Lemon drop)))))

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. It must be so hard for you with your mum being sick AND having to deal with mm.

 

Have you seen him recently? I'm jealous of my mm's w as well but what we need to remember is that these women are with men that willingly cheat on them. It isn't a drunken one night stand but planned and prolonged cheating. They may have all the holidays and money but I'd rather have a faithful husband and live in a cardboard box.

 

And their sex life? They might not have had sex for weeks/months. It's easy to look at someone else's life and think they have it all but there must be something missing for him to cheat in the first place

[lemondrop21]

Hi guys,

Thanks very much from your comments and it's good to hear from the three of you as you who know my story. It's like we're old regulars at a bar, no? I smile at each of your comments because they are so reflective of your personalities that I have come to know. Had I covered up the names, I could have guessed who each one was from . I love how each of you have different stories and sometimes different opinions but regardless you are each offering support and encouragement - thank you thank you, it truly does mean a lot.

 

I'm around off and on, but more "off" these days because I'm so busy with my mom. And that does keep my thoughts off xMM a lot more than anything else has. But it still leaks through at times, so I come and read here and sometimes post, and some days it helps, and other days it doesn't. Today it helped my anger lessen just to post.

 

I'll respond to each of you individually as well.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi guys,

Thanks very much from your comments and it's good to hear from the three of you as you who know my story. It's like we're old regulars at a bar, no? I smile at each of your comments because they are so reflective of your personalities that I have come to know. Had I covered up the names, I could have guessed who each one was from . I love how each of you have different stories and sometimes different opinions but regardless you are each offering support and encouragement - thank you thank you, it truly does mean a lot.

 

I'm around off and on, but more "off" these days because I'm so busy with my mom. And that does keep my thoughts off xMM a lot more than anything else has. But it still leaks through at times, so I come and read here and sometimes post, and some days it helps, and other days it doesn't. Today it helped my anger lessen just to post.

 

I'll respond to each of you individually as well.

 

LS is a huge timesuck for me as well. It does help because I realize, good or bad, I am not special. MM is not special. Our A was far from special. Yesterday someone posted how xMM was writing emails to her, sexting, confusing her yet when she pursued him, he withdrew and said he was trying to be "good".

 

"Good"

 

I couldn't believe it because xMM has said that exact word to me, as if he is on a diet and I am an Oreo cookie. You do not try to be "good" and not sleep with someone else. To me, if you are trying that hard, if its a sincere effort, that is a bad sign. I never heard anyone else say my exact situation till yesterday. It was truly amazing.

 

Regarding your xMM saying it was your fault he did not make it a relationship (paraphrasing), mine did that too in April, said that he knew from the beginning I was too different. He would later change that statement so honestly, if he is spending all his energy trying to not eat women like Oreos, he has no idea why he is acting like he is acting. He is on Level 1 in human psychology and I am on Level 5.

 

It's funny, I can tell who is who by how they write as well. I talk a good game as I try to intellectually dissect it all, in the hopes that I will get a ah-ha moment and be done, but it doesn't really work. The only thing that works is time and distance.

Edited August 16, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[lemondrop21]

Hi Lemon. I am sorry about your mom.

 

I know your story so I wanted to comment. As an aside, I am spending hours on LS each day and I need to get back to my work, I'm so behind.

 

First, you know what I am going to say about his wife - of course you don't want to be her. All the money in the world does not make up for the fact that her husband is cheating on her behind her back. I realize, yes, perhaps I am a hypocrite saying that, but it is what it is. He got away with it and there will be more OW. At least you got away from him and are not spending your life on the side of his marriage.

 

I get the envy of course. I also got divorced and was alone for years. I don't have money like that, so I get it. There is no reason in the world you can't meet someone great - and available - and as for money, figure out what you want in life and make a plan to get it. Make your own money, this way you will never be like xMM's wife - she is trapped you see. You don't want to be like that. All that is attainable - new man for Lemon, check, making money, check. You can have whatever you want in life. Every day is a new day.

 

"Now he blames me because it's easier than admitting to himself or to me that he was never going to leave her anyway."

 

I heard stuff like this too. There are no easy fixes for this one. The best thing to do is continue to have no conversation. No talking = no mean things he can say. I'm sorry. I do relate. My xMM has been horrible to me, I get it.

 

And I get the wish that you never met him. Believe me, I feel the same way. I regret everything. Besides the obvious (that it never happened at all), I regret not keeping NC back in September 15, and then not keeping NC back in Jan - May. I kept it going on and on and on. But what are you going to do. You draw a line and say, today I start, and go from there.

 

I just wanted you to know I have a lot of these feelings. I hate his wife. I want to send her all his communications from when he came back. I want her to know what a liar she is married to. I want to ruin his world, destroy him. I'm trying to just let it go.

 

I'm sorry you are having a rough day.

 

Midnight -

I really feel for you. First of all, from what I remember your xMM is a particular kind of a**hole. He must have some redeeming qualities as well since you fell for him, but I'm sorry that he turned out to be such a grade-A jerk. HUGE underlying issues there. You got off lucky and I know you know it. But disillusionment is so painful. Believe me, I know.

 

I've lost track of your story to some degree though - did you ever have contact with his wife? Just curious.

 

I do hope you leave your workplace as you discussed in your other thread. I know I would be better off if I could leave my workplace and never see xMM again but I can't now because of my mom. I want to maintain a certain income, and my job is giving me the flexibility to do some remote work for the time being, and a new job wouldn't do that. But for you, I think leaving your job might be a huge blessing, especially given that your h is supportive.

 

Although I will say, one thing I've learned is that there is no magic cure, it just takes time. NC alone won't do it 100% though it will help. Switching jobs or moving won't do it 100% though it will help. It takes time, grieving, reconciling with everything in your own mind. Battling depression makes it harder. The pressure to fix your own marriage probably makes it harder at times too even though you want to stay in the marriage - it's just a lot to process.

 

You mentioned money, and I have to say that I am very fortunate to make money in my current job - especially given tax breaks where I work, and the fact that I have no dependents, means I'm doing quite well right now. Career has always been important to me and that slipped during the A but now I'm really busting my butt since I can't risk losing my job now; I need to keep it so I can help my mom as best I can. I was also lucky enough to travel a fair amount before I found out about my mom's illness, so I suppose I shouldn't complain about xMM and w's "lifestyle" (although some of that travel - probably more than I'd like to admit - was a coping mechanism to forget about the A).

 

I think what makes me angry is more something to do with the idyllic-seeming life that they now have, while I feel like I'm struggling to hold everything together at the seams and to do it all alone. I would give anything to have a strong family support system right now like xMM and w have. BUT, money is not to be shrugged off either - not in my current situation. I have pinched pennies at various times in my life and I am so thankful that right now, I don't have to, and I can go out and buy my mom new clothes to cheer her up, a new mattress to help with her pain, and so on. In that sense, the higher income I have at the moment probably gives me a deeper kind of satisfaction than xMM and w get from their family vacations.

 

Also, thank you for mentioning career and life planning. That sort of thing feels on pause now due to my mom, and was on pause before due to the A's emotional effect on me (I'm embarrassed to say). But life will go on eventually. I should give some thought to my 5-year plan.

 

I know what you mean about spending too much time on LS. I used to do that FAR too much during work. Another reason to find a new job with new projects and new people to meet and things to distract you. I bet your LS usage would decline precipitously.