Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[Poppy47]

From reading your dilemma with this man, it seems that you are expounding and wasting a lot of time and energy on this man, not to mention thought and emotion. From what I've read, this has affected you more than what you think it has. I believe that you will continue to wrestle with wanting a certain reaction out of him, wondering about this and that, and all of the "what ifs". This man, as I'm sure you already know, will never be yours. You should be very thankful for that. But at the same time, you have to know that this affair has costed you something. It has costed you precious time, and also, a lifelong bond with him whether you know it or not. I also believe that this will affect your future relationships or marriage, if you choose to have one. I don't think that you are truly over this like you think you are....I think you are trying to convince yourself of that. This is why people shouldn't get involved in affairs and especially in the workplace. You are never truly freed as long as that person is within your proximity and there is always that weakness in our human nature that if tapped into can be exploited and put you right back where you were. My advice....find another job and move on. These mind games will continue.

I do believe a lot of us are in this unenviable position. We are trying desperately to be rid of feelings and attachment to xMM. The bond will be there for all time. All I can do is fake it until I make it.

 

It has cost me time and my quality of life is not as rich as I would like. While I was in the A everything else became peripheral. I have lost much as a result and will never recover time lost with family and friends.

 

The A has damaged me emotionally. I have tried dating and every time a man shows signs of wanting to become close I shut down completely and panic. This might never be repaired.

 

Poppy.

[BluesPower]

Poppy , don't feel that way. I know how bad this stuff can be, but you can overcome it.

 

I believe that love can happen at any time, you just have to let it.

 

I don't know why affairs seem to be so much stronger than a regular dating relationship, but for some reason they are. Don't let one love affair ruin your life. We all have had breakups before, but for some reason in an affair it always seems worst.

 

But it really should be like any other heartbreak, maybe we all should start thinking about it that way.

 

Don't stop looking for love because of an affair that went bad.

[Logan787]

I do believe a lot of us are in this unenviable position. We are trying desperately to be rid of feelings and attachment to xMM. The bond will be there for all time. All I can do is fake it until I make it.

 

It has cost me time and my quality of life is not as rich as I would like. While I was in the A everything else became peripheral. I have lost much as a result and will never recover time lost with family and friends.

 

The A has damaged me emotionally. I have tried dating and every time a man shows signs of wanting to become close I shut down completely and panic. This might never be repaired.

 

Poppy.

 

Poppy

 

I sympathize with you and it breaks God's heart I believe to see us frail, hungry, and broken human beings looking for love and acceptance and how we resort to demeaning and lascivious ways to get just a crumb of it. I pray you find wholeness and peace with both God and yourself, as I hope and pray the same thing for the OP.

[lemondrop21]

From reading your dilemma with this man, it seems that you are expounding and wasting a lot of time and energy on this man, not to mention thought and emotion. From what I've read, this has affected you more than what you think it has. I believe that you will continue to wrestle with wanting a certain reaction out of him, wondering about this and that, and all of the "what ifs". This man, as I'm sure you already know, will never be yours. You should be very thankful for that. But at the same time, you have to know that this affair has costed you something. It has costed you precious time, and also, a lifelong bond with him whether you know it or not. I also believe that this will affect your future relationships or marriage, if you choose to have one. I don't think that you are truly over this like you think you are....I think you are trying to convince yourself of that. This is why people shouldn't get involved in affairs and especially in the workplace. You are never truly freed as long as that person is within your proximity and there is always that weakness in our human nature that if tapped into can be exploited and put you right back where you were. My advice....find another job and move on. These mind games will continue.

 

I'm not sure how far back you read in my thread. I appreciate your sentiment but I can't get another job right now. My mother has terminal cancer and I'm traveling back and forth to see her, and also purchasing a home for her to make her more comfortable. A new job wouldn't give me the needed flexibility and/or paycheck. So I am dealing with my feelings about being around xMM as best I can, because this job is what I need right now, for my mother's sake. After she passes I'll be free to go elsewhere - which I was looking to do prior to her diagnosis. Certainly I am still working on getting over xMM and the "mind games" do consume me sometimes, but I can feel myself improving a great deal, and frankly I have no choice but to improve.

 

I agree that the affair has cost me time, which is sad. But I refuse to believe that I have a "lifelong bond" with xMM. I can imagine meeting the right man for me and never looking back. And I do think that will happen, with time. Thanks again for your thoughts.

[imperfectangel]

This is why people shouldn't get involved in affairs and especially in the workplace. You are never truly freed as long as that person is within your proximity and there is always that weakness in our human nature that if tapped into can be exploited and put you right back where you were. My advice....find another job and move on. These mind games will continue.

 

I'm pretty sure she knows it shouldn't of happened

[Poppy47]

Poppy , don't feel that way. I know how bad this stuff can be, but you can overcome it.

 

I believe that love can happen at any time, you just have to let it.

 

I don't know why affairs seem to be so much stronger than a regular dating relationship, but for some reason they are. Don't let one love affair ruin your life. We all have had breakups before, but for some reason in an affair it always seems worst.

 

But it really should be like any other heartbreak, maybe we all should start thinking about it that way.

 

Don't stop looking for love because of an affair that went bad.

 

I was married happily for 35 years and my husband died. I have no experience outside marriage with relationships or breakups.

 

The A was of like being a silly teenager all over again. Perhaps that is why I am so wary.

 

Poppy.

[Logan787]

If he left his wife and kids, would you change your mind about everything and take him back?

[Logan787]

I'm not sure how far back you read in my thread. I appreciate your sentiment but I can't get another job right now. My mother has terminal cancer and I'm traveling back and forth to see her, and also purchasing a home for her to make her more comfortable. A new job wouldn't give me the needed flexibility and/or paycheck. So I am dealing with my feelings about being around xMM as best I can, because this job is what I need right now, for my mother's sake. After she passes I'll be free to go elsewhere - which I was looking to do prior to her diagnosis. Certainly I am still working on getting over xMM and the "mind games" do consume me sometimes, but I can feel myself improving a great deal, and frankly I have no choice but to improve.

 

I agree that the affair has cost me time, which is sad. But I refuse to believe that I have a "lifelong bond" with xMM. I can imagine meeting the right man for me and never looking back. And I do think that will happen, with time. Thanks again for your thoughts.

 

The reason I said you have a lifelong bond with this man is because he affected you so deeply. He has made his mark on you and I doubt you will ever forget about him and I also believe that he has changed the way you look at certain things. I could be wrong.

[lemondrop21]

If he left his wife and kids, would you change your mind about everything and take him back?

I'm not sure if this question was directed at me or at Poppy (or both?). At any rate, for me the answer is probably not. I won't say 100% no, but he would have to act with honesty and full disclosure to his wife and to me from here on out, apologize sincerely to everyone involved, and show a high level of maturity in handling the divorce fallout, in order for a relationship between us to be viable. At this point it's almost impossible for me to imagine him acting this way, given his actions over the past year. There are occasional accounts of men who handle it well on this site, but from what I've seen, they normally act transparently after the first few months of an affair, once they realize that an affair situation is unsustainable.

 

I also don't like the term "leave his wife and kids" because while the husband does indeed leave the wife, he can certainly remain a father to his children emotionally, and co-parent a full 50% if he chooses. Yes he is altering the family structure but some men do manage this without making their kids feel totally abandoned. No idea if my xMM would fall into that category, I just don't want to universally write off divorcing fathers as child-abandoners.

[Logan787]

Yes, the question was directed at you, Lemon.

 

Ask yourself something. Would it be right for him to divorce his wife and not live with his children anymore, all because of his fickle and come and go feelings for another woman? Let's say you were his wife. Would you want your husband to leave you instead of working things out? Would it be right to leave his children and be with another woman that isn't their mother? I know you said that you don't like the phrase "leave his wife and children", but in a direct or round about way that's what a man is doing when he decides to divorce his wife and choose another woman over their mother.

 

He has basically said , someone else is more important than the vow I made to my wife and the mother of my children, someone else is more important than me being here for my children day and night, and where I am accessible to them, someone else comes before my family. The children instinctually are sent this message and while it could "work out" with visiting rights and all of that, children want their dad at home, children NEED their dad. A man OR woman should not abandon that responsibility all because of a fling and their sexual inclinations, and again, ask yourself if he was your husband, what would you want your husband to do? I would hope you would want him to work it out.

 

This mans first priority is his wife and children. Children and their mental and emotional well being are very fragile. When they have to go through a divorce it changes them forever. That's why they call divorced families BROKEN FAMILIES. Because something that was whole has been shattered and it takes years if not a lifetime to put them together again, if they even can be put together. You are basically trespassing on another woman's man and ask yourself if it was you how would you feel if your husband was doing another woman and willing to divorce you all because of an office fling?

 

There is a reason that marriage vows say "til death do us part." These days they might want to start saying "until I don't feel in love with you anymore, or until I find someone better or cuter, or someone that is better in bed, etc, etc, etc." Please understand something. He screwed around and cheated on his wife, he would more than likely do the same thing with you if you married him. Even though you say that he wouldn't change, that's not really the point.

 

The point is you are more than willing to help break up a family and see them broken all so you can get what you want. If that was to happen, get ready. Because he would probably do the same to you. What goes around seems to come around in this world. You can't build a relationship on cheating and bad behavior. If he didn't keep his vows with his wife, why should he keep them with you?

[Birdies]

You can't build a relationship on cheating and bad behavior. If he didn't keep his vows with his wife, why should he keep them with you?

 

I know this wasn't directed at me but nonetheless.

 

You are speaking in absolute terms about something that is not absolute. Yes you CAN build a relationship that started as an affair. People do the hard work to examine how they could have made such selfish decisions and how to avoid ever doing that again in the future, and people change. There are posters here who have done that very thing successfully for years and decades.

 

However, most people don't or can't put in that work or make those changes. That doesn't mean it's literally impossible. For posting on a forum with such a complete spectrum of perspectives among its users, you appear to have quite a limited worldview.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes, the question was directed at you, Lemon.

 

Ask yourself something. Would it be right for him to divorce his wife and not live with his children anymore, all because of his fickle and come and go feelings for another woman? Let's say you were his wife. Would you want your husband to leave you instead of working things out? Would it be right to leave his children and be with another woman that isn't their mother? I know you said that you don't like the phrase "leave his wife and children", but in a direct or round about way that's what a man is doing when he decides to divorce his wife and choose another woman over their mother.

 

He has basically said , someone else is more important than the vow I made to my wife and the mother of my children, someone else is more important than me being here for my children day and night, and where I am accessible to them, someone else comes before my family. The children instinctually are sent this message and while it could "work out" with visiting rights and all of that, children want their dad at home, children NEED their dad. A man OR woman should not abandon that responsibility all because of a fling and their sexual inclinations, and again, ask yourself if he was your husband, what would you want your husband to do? I would hope you would want him to work it out.

 

This mans first priority is his wife and children. Children and their mental and emotional well being are very fragile. When they have to go through a divorce it changes them forever. That's why they call divorced families BROKEN FAMILIES. Because something that was whole has been shattered and it takes years if not a lifetime to put them together again, if they even can be put together. You are basically trespassing on another woman's man and ask yourself if it was you how would you feel if your husband was doing another woman and willing to divorce you all because of an office fling?

 

There is a reason that marriage vows say "til death do us part." These days they might want to start saying "until I don't feel in love with you anymore, or until I find someone better or cuter, or someone that is better in bed, etc, etc, etc." Please understand something. He screwed around and cheated on his wife, he would more than likely do the same thing with you if you married him. Even though you say that he wouldn't change, that's not really the point.

 

The point is you are more than willing to help break up a family and see them broken all so you can get what you want. If that was to happen, get ready. Because he would probably do the same to you. What goes around seems to come around in this world. You can't build a relationship on cheating and bad behavior. If he didn't keep his vows with his wife, why should he keep them with you?

 

 

I generally believe this as well

 

But in this case I think we are closing the gate after the mare has escaped....

[lemondrop21]

I generally believe this as well

 

But in this case I think we are closing the gate after the mare has escaped....

 

Yes, Logan's comment seems a bit misplaced at this stage. The affair already occurred and it's already over.

 

Logan, I was responding to a hypothetical question you posed about xMM leaving his wife and children now. He's certainly not going to do that. I appreciate where you're coming from and I don't take divorce lightly. But I'm not going to go so far as to imagine what his wife wants, because I honestly have no idea what goes on in their particular marriage (and rightfully so). For all anyone knows, his BW might NOT want to work things out. Their marriage could have been total hell for her for years, and if she came here and posted on the infidelity forum about dumping her husband's cheating a$$ after discovering a history of infidelity, she would get lots of cheers (perhaps with some encouragement to try and reconcile, but mostly cheers). That's the way it works around here.

 

No I wouldn't want him or anyone leaving their marriage "for me," I would want them to leave if it was broken for other reasons (which he originally assured me it was, as is common). No I wouldn't want his children to go through a divorce if the marriage could still be a good one. I just don't feel I have the right to tell anyone else that they should "honor their vows" till the bitter end - it's their decision. I am not pro-affair by any means. But I am not universally anti-divorce.

 

My own parents are divorced, albeit not due to infidelity, and I can say confidently that I am better off than if they had stayed married. In a different family scenario I could feel differently. I just don't like to think or speak in universal assumptions.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Yes, Logan's comment seems a bit misplaced at this stage. The affair already occurred and it's already over.

 

Logan, I was responding to a hypothetical question you posed about xMM leaving his wife and children now. He's certainly not going to do that. I appreciate where you're coming from and I don't take divorce lightly. But I'm not going to go so far as to imagine what his wife wants, because I honestly have no idea what goes on in their particular marriage (and rightfully so). For all anyone knows, his BW might NOT want to work things out. Their marriage could have been total hell for her for years, and if she came here and posted on the infidelity forum about dumping her husband's cheating a$$ after discovering a history of infidelity, she would get lots of cheers (perhaps with some encouragement to try and reconcile, but mostly cheers). That's the way it works around here.

 

No I wouldn't want him or anyone leaving their marriage "for me," I would want them to leave if it was broken for other reasons (which he originally assured me it was, as is common). No I wouldn't want his children to go through a divorce if the marriage could still be a good one. I just don't feel I have the right to tell anyone else that they should "honor their vows" till the bitter end - it's their decision. I am not pro-affair by any means. But I am not universally anti-divorce.

 

My own parents are divorced, albeit not due to infidelity, and I can say confidently that I am better off than if they had stayed married. In a different family scenario I could feel differently. I just don't like to think or speak in universal assumptions.

 

I have to agree. My parents hated each other but stayed married because it was the right thing to do, and they were weak people. My father was planning on leaving when the kids were all grown but he died instead. Life is funny like that. I had a horrendous childhood from it all and while I was not beaten or locked in a basement, my family is very scattered and we have next to nothing to do with each other. So my parents basically wasted their lives for nothing.

 

I will say this is a male female difference of opinion - "leaving the wife and children". xMM said the same thing, he was not going to walk out and abandon his wife and child. But it was ok for him to have a LTA with me on the side though because he got his needs met and the family structure was intact.

 

As for Lemon, I really wouldn't call this an office fling, I cannot recall how long it lasted but I know I came to this site in Jan 16 and she was already here. And yes, while it has been over for a while, there have been a lot of emotion and struggles on both their parts, so to me, that is not really over-over. My point is, this is no fling and his wife has no clue. To respond to him working on his marriage - it is not her problem or responsibility to help him do that, plus he is lying to his wife anyway, he is not going to tell her. Lemon doesn't even talk to him anymore.

[lemondrop21]

I have to agree. My parents hated each other but stayed married because it was the right thing to do, and they were weak people. My father was planning on leaving when the kids were all grown but he died instead. Life is funny like that. I had a horrendous childhood from it all and while I was not beaten or locked in a basement, my family is very scattered and we have next to nothing to do with each other. So my parents basically wasted their lives for nothing.

 

I will say this is a male female difference of opinion - "leaving the wife and children". xMM said the same thing, he was not going to walk out and abandon his wife and child. But it was ok for him to have a LTA with me on the side though because he got his needs met and the family structure was intact.

 

As for Lemon, I really wouldn't call this an office fling, I cannot recall how long it lasted but I know I came to this site in Jan 16 and she was already here. And yes, while it has been over for a while, there have been a lot of emotion and struggles on both their parts, so to me, that is not really over-over. My point is, this is no fling and his wife has no clue. To respond to him working on his marriage - it is not her problem or responsibility to help him do that, plus he is lying to his wife anyway, he is not going to tell her. Lemon doesn't even talk to him anymore.

 

Yep I've been here since May 2015, unfortunately. Today is day 30-something of true NC, I'm not even going to count the days. I saw him that one time in the elevator last week, but that's been it; otherwise I've avoided him completely. Changed the routes I take at work, where I eat lunch etc. to minimize the chances of running into him.

 

I felt depressed today and kind of missed him but I know it was triggered by stuff having to do with my family. Coming here to LS and reading the "Destabilization Phase" thread got rid of any feelings of missing him because I remember just how awful THAT phase was. Having him pop up one day professing feelings and longing and then do a complete 180 the next day and ice me. It made me feel sick and crazy and I quit enjoying the highs because I would be just waiting for him to go cold again.

 

I actually tried to talk to him at one point about "committing to the affair." How embarrassing. I wanted us to "commit" to it for a certain period of time (I think 2 months) and then talk again and decide whether to continue. The idea was to stop the push-pull drama for a while. Not surprisingly, he was evasive about it. So yeah, I couldn't even get xMM to commit to an affair lol.

 

Also, Midnight I'm sorry for your childhood experiences. I'm definitely still processing mine, maybe we'll have to compare notes sometime lol.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

Also, Midnight I'm sorry for your childhood experiences. I'm definitely still processing mine, maybe we'll have to compare notes sometime lol.

 

I've made my peace with it all, I'm friends with my sister on FB but we don't see each other, my brother took off long ago and I have not spoken to my mother in 13 years. I feel bad for my kids and have reached out but none of them respond or have any interest in meeting them or my H. It is not a fight so much as complete disinterest in having any sort of connection to anything from our collective bad past. Another topic for another time.

 

It took me a long time though to realize my past has prevented me from committing to my H - I've always had one foot out the door rather than trust anyone 100%. I've always been one of those women you are surprised to find out is married, I take pride in my independence and not needing a man for anything - I was never going to end up like my mother and so on. I realize now that attracted the wrong people who saw my personality as an invitation and since I had no boundaries, well, here I am.

[lemondrop21]

Some of you will remember me as an old frequent poster. The other day I got curious about what the other "oldies" had been up to, so I came here to catch up. As expected I recognize a couple voices, but many of the rest have fallen away, replaced by new posters, almost all of whom have essentially the same story.

 

I left LS for two reasons. One was that my mom was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in June 2016. Although I still posted here off and on in the next few months, especially during my longest NC period last October, my mind was much less occupied with the A.

 

The second reason is that you can only say and hear so much about affairs. It becomes a broken record. Every relationship is a little bit different but there are overarching themes that play out over and over. I'm not seeking the same advice that has been given to me time and again, nor do I feel that I can offer much in the way of advice to others right now. So, I'm back here just to log my story in some corner of the internet. Maybe it will make someone, somewhere feel less alone. And it feels good just to get it out.

 

So, June to December 2016 will remain in my memory as the hardest six months I've ever had. I flew back to [home country] five times in those six months basically splitting my time between here and there, and I'm so thankful I was able to do so. Keeping my job was a tough decision, but it meant that I was able to provide my mom with various comforts during those six months - various little "luxuries" that she would never treat herself to - and to hire home health aides to help when I couldn't be there. When I was here in [country where I work], I spent nearly every evening on Skype with her. I watched her pass through the stages of grief as she declined, and I started to pass through them as well. Our old issues surfaced, we fought, we screamed, we cried, we made up, we told each other we loved each other. I am so, SO lucky you guys. It was SO hard, but I am so grateful to have had the time I did with her, and the ability to help her out as best I could.

 

My mom died in mid-January at a hospice facility, just shy of her 63rd birthday. I had slept beside her in bed the whole night, and she passed just as I was waking up. I know she let go then on purpose, after we had one more night snuggled up together. Being there when someone leaves this earth is powerful. It really does change you.

 

Anyway, back to the A, the reason for this thread... it feels almost sad and trivial typing that, after writing about my mom. I almost hate putting this crap in the same post, but since that is the point of this board, I suppose I will. Last November/December, I did go back to the A - but it was different. I was distracted with my mom, she was my one and only priority, and MM was nothing more than a lunchtime escape. The time zone change meant my mom was asleep during those meetings anyway. No longer did I have the mental energy to devote to "is he going to leave his wife" or "what is going to happen to us in the future?" I told him I didn't want to talk about things like that.

 

After she died, I didn't talk to him for about ten days. He couldn't be there, so what was the point, I felt. After that ten-ish days, we got back in touch and exchanged a few emails, where he made vague statements about doing what he wanted to and what made him happy in the new year, and feeling refreshed and motivated, and was signing his emails "love" which for him is a big deal . Of course this is classic for him and every other waffling cheater in an affair, once they have some experience under their belt... make only vague statements, never any commitments or clarity. So I knew better than to make anything of it, but I did appreciate the "love" signoff. I hoped that maybe THAT could be consistent; the use of the word "love." And then the day before I flew back to [country where I work], I texted him "I love you" at the end of a conversation. He read it. He didn't respond.

 

I then got completely over the top intoxicated on the plane, to the point of vomiting in the bathroom. It was shameful and unlike me.

 

I got back and detached from him somewhat - still saw him sometimes, but kept him at a distance. I went on a long weekend away to [city where I often visit] and got stupid drunk in public once again, this time vomiting in the hair salon (yep, really).

 

But that same weekend, I met a new guy, and saw him again a couple weeks later, and he met my friends, and we were talking every day, and he was calling me "babe." I really liked that. The sex was okay, not mind-blowing but with potential for improvement. I was so enjoying the little things about it that made it NOT an A.. knowing he was always available, being out with him in public, and so on. Then I found out he's involved in some sleazy business practices that weren't at all okay with me. So I ended it.

 

Don't ask me why I can so quickly and easy end something with someone who's involved in shady stuff at work, but yet it's so difficult to end it with someone who's willing to massively deceive their spouse for two years. I feel so ashamed as I write this.

 

So then it was back to the A again, off and on per usual. I was dealing with my mom's estate, traveling back and forth for that. I had her memorial service a few months later since I'm far away. He tried to send flowers, and that didn't even work, because he contacted the wrong funeral home. Yep, that's an incredible show of effort by his standards and it didn't even work out.

 

So where does it stand now? As usual, it's complicated - but differently complicated, as compared to how it was before my mom got sick. The waves of emotion are less intense for me when I argue with him or when I think about a future without him. I've been exploring new opportunities in new countries, and at the same time, he's been approached for some senior positions back in [his home country]. I date whenever I feel like it, and I've been with a couple different guys, in addition to the one I mentioned above.

 

It has its rhythm in a way, but it's still so unhealthy, I know. And he knows it too. I'm increasingly depressed - not just about the A, and not even primarily about A, but the A doesn't help. He comments on that fact and how bad it makes him feel sometimes.

 

The most recent development was that I sent him an email stating what my needs are, and that I'd like him to figure out whether he can meet those needs (in a tangible way, such as IC or sticking to a timeline or something). He surprised me by saying he wanted to go to IC, and that he knew if he didn't, he would end up having some kind of meltdown or something because at some point, he would break from the pressure.

 

He is not saying that he's going to IC for me. He says he's going to figure out why he felt the need to get into the A in the first place. And because he needs to try and be a good dad, and to be able to look at himself in the mirror again, that sort of thing. He says he doesn't have any pre-set expectations one way or the other.

 

So I'm fully expecting that, assuming he sticks it out in counseling, what's coming up is a period of time where he cuts me off completely, at the urging of his counselor, to focus fully on his marriage. And that may very well be what he should do. In my more rational moments, I feel happy to support him in the process of working this whole mess out in some fashion - even if that means we ultimately go our separate ways for good.

 

I'm not sure if I'll continue updating or not, but we'll see. Just to reiterate, I don't need any generic "get out" advice; I'm just posting as an updated for all the other "oldies." Miss you guys:love:.

Edited July 25, 2017 by lemondrop21

[somanymistakes]

I'm too new to know you, but I hope 2017 brings you much more joy than 2016 did.

[Chica80]

Some of you will remember me as an old frequent poster. The other day I got curious about what the other "oldies" had been up to, so I came here to catch up. As expected I recognize a couple voices, but many of the rest have fallen away, replaced by new posters, almost all of whom have essentially the same story.

 

I left LS for two reasons. One was that my mom was diagnosed with metastatic cancer in June 2016. Although I still posted here off and on in the next few months, especially during my longest NC period last October, my mind was much less occupied with the A.

 

The second reason is that you can only say and hear so much about affairs. It becomes a broken record. Every relationship is a little bit different but there are overarching themes that play out over and over. I'm not seeking the same advice that has been given to me time and again, nor do I feel that I can offer much in the way of advice to others right now. So, I'm back here just to log my story in some corner of the internet. Maybe it will make someone, somewhere feel less alone. And it feels good just to get it out.

 

So, June to December 2016 will remain in my memory as the hardest six months I've ever had. I flew back to [home country] five times in those six months basically splitting my time between here and there, and I'm so thankful I was able to do so. Keeping my job was a tough decision, but it meant that I was able to provide my mom with various comforts during those six months - various little "luxuries" that she would never treat herself to - and to hire home health aides to help when I couldn't be there. When I was here in [country where I work], I spent nearly every evening on Skype with her. I watched her pass through the stages of grief as she declined, and I started to pass through them as well. Our old issues surfaced, we fought, we screamed, we cried, we made up, we told each other we loved each other. I am so, SO lucky you guys. It was SO hard, but I am so grateful to have had the time I did with her, and the ability to help her out as best I could.

 

My mom died in mid-January at a hospice facility, just shy of her 63rd birthday. I had slept beside her in bed the whole night, and she passed just as I was waking up. I know she let go then on purpose, after we had one more night snuggled up together. Being there when someone leaves this earth is powerful. It really does change you.

 

Anyway, back to the A, the reason for this thread... it feels almost sad and trivial typing that, after writing about my mom. I almost hate putting this crap in the same post, but since that is the point of this board, I suppose I will. Last November/December, I did go back to the A - but it was different. I was distracted with my mom, she was my one and only priority, and MM was nothing more than a lunchtime escape. The time zone change meant my mom was asleep during those meetings anyway. No longer did I have the mental energy to devote to "is he going to leave his wife" or "what is going to happen to us in the future?" I told him I didn't want to talk about things like that.

 

After she died, I didn't talk to him for about ten days. He couldn't be there, so what was the point, I felt. After that ten-ish days, we got back in touch and exchanged a few emails, where he made vague statements about doing what he wanted to and what made him happy in the new year, and feeling refreshed and motivated, and was signing his emails "love" which for him is a big deal . Of course this is classic for him and every other waffling cheater in an affair, once they have some experience under their belt... make only vague statements, never any commitments or clarity. So I knew better than to make anything of it, but I did appreciate the "love" signoff. I hoped that maybe THAT could be consistent; the use of the word "love." And then the day before I flew back to [country where I work], I texted him "I love you" at the end of a conversation. He read it. He didn't respond.

 

I then got completely over the top intoxicated on the plane, to the point of vomiting in the bathroom. It was shameful and unlike me.

 

I got back and detached from him somewhat - still saw him sometimes, but kept him at a distance. I went on a long weekend away to [city where I often visit] and got stupid drunk in public once again, this time vomiting in the hair salon (yep, really).

 

But that same weekend, I met a new guy, and saw him again a couple weeks later, and he met my friends, and we were talking every day, and he was calling me "babe." I really liked that. The sex was okay, not mind-blowing but with potential for improvement. I was so enjoying the little things about it that made it NOT an A.. knowing he was always available, being out with him in public, and so on. Then I found out he's involved in some sleazy business practices that weren't at all okay with me. So I ended it.

 

Don't ask me why I can so quickly and easy end something with someone who's involved in shady stuff at work, but yet it's so difficult to end it with someone who's willing to massively deceive their spouse for two years. I feel so ashamed as I write this.

 

So then it was back to the A again, off and on per usual. I was dealing with my mom's estate, traveling back and forth for that. I had her memorial service a few months later since I'm far away. He tried to send flowers, and that didn't even work, because he contacted the wrong funeral home. Yep, that's an incredible show of effort by his standards and it didn't even work out.

 

So where does it stand now? As usual, it's complicated - but differently complicated, as compared to how it was before my mom got sick. The waves of emotion are less intense for me when I argue with him or when I think about a future without him. I've been exploring new opportunities in new countries, and at the same time, he's been approached for some senior positions back in [his home country]. I date whenever I feel like it, and I've been with a couple different guys, in addition to the one I mentioned above.

 

It has its rhythm in a way, but it's still so unhealthy, I know. And he knows it too. I'm increasingly depressed - not just about the A, and not even primarily about A, but the A doesn't help. He comments on that fact and how bad it makes him feel sometimes.

 

The most recent development was that I sent him an email stating what my needs are, and that I'd like him to figure out whether he can meet those needs (in a tangible way, such as IC or sticking to a timeline or something). He surprised me by saying he wanted to go to IC, and that he knew if he didn't, he would end up having some kind of meltdown or something because at some point, he would break from the pressure.

 

He is not saying that he's going to IC for me. He says he's going to figure out why he felt the need to get into the A in the first place. And because he needs to try and be a good dad, and to be able to look at himself in the mirror again, that sort of thing. He says he doesn't have any pre-set expectations one way or the other.

 

So I'm fully expecting that, assuming he sticks it out in counseling, what's coming up is a period of time where he cuts me off completely, at the urging of his counselor, to focus fully on his marriage. And that may very well be what he should do. In my more rational moments, I feel happy to support him in the process of working this whole mess out in some fashion - even if that means we ultimately go our separate ways for good.

 

I'm not sure if I'll continue updating or not, but we'll see. Just to reiterate, I don't need any generic "get out" advice; I'm just posting as an updated for all the other "oldies." Miss you guys:love:.

 

 

 

Hi Lemon...I remember...yup an "oldie"

 

I'm sorry about the passing of your mom. Sending you ((hugs)).

 

Ya I get it. I find even if he's around, the less I focus on him and the questions etc. The less crazy I feel...also the less I "need" him. He's a presence in my life but as time goes on. And things become clearer for me it's not this constant pain or ache or roller coaster....

[Doublegold]

Oh Lemondrop I remember you well, and have wondered how you are. Thank you so much for the update.

 

I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. Your writing is raw and so real, and I could picture you with your Mom that night and as the dawn broke. I know how brutal it is to watch your loved one, your parents, die in your arms. It IS truly lifechanging.

 

Take care of yourself, you have taken many brave steps by dating and I know the scar tissue is building and surrounding your heart where MM is concerned. But the heart wants what the heart wants.

[BTDT2012]

So sorry for the loss of your mom.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Hi Lemon. I am very sorry about the loss of your mom.

 

I also have been on and off here. I've seen a lot of people come and go, some stories were more tragic, like JenniferNYC, and they could not let go. Your story seems different. I feel for you because I've been there in a prior life with different situations but as long as the other person doesn't let go, it is hard to let go when you love someone even if they are so bad for you.

 

I was lucky. xMM went away completely and I never heard from him again. So I meant nothing, I mean that matter of fact. It hurt like a thousand knives for a long time but I realize now it set me free. I don't have any feelings for him. I did block him as I realized I preferred to move on as if he never existed.

 

That said, I also realized that it really was never about him. It was always about me and my lack of boundaries, self discipline and accountability, my need for attention, my huge ego. He was just convenient. It could have been anyone.

 

I am so thankful I did not "win". He is truly a bad egg and I am very lucky that his wife did not toss him out as the state of mind I was in, I would have run to him. I was not fit to chose a sandwich at that time of my life, let alone make a decision about who to be with.

 

I come here because it's my AA and all the stories, the same story over and over with the same ending, the only question being - how much will you lose over this person and how long will you wait.

 

It keeps me grounded so if anyone is a bit flirty, I think of this place. Because it's out there, just waiting to drag us back here.

[Eight]

Hi Lemon. I am very sorry about the loss of your mom.

 

I also have been on and off here. I've seen a lot of people come and go, some stories were more tragic, like JenniferNYC, and they could not let go. Your story seems different. I feel for you because I've been there in a prior life with different situations but as long as the other person doesn't let go, it is hard to let go when you love someone even if they are so bad for you.

 

I was lucky. xMM went away completely and I never heard from him again. So I meant nothing, I mean that matter of fact. It hurt like a thousand knives for a long time but I realize now it set me free. I don't have any feelings for him. I did block him as I realized I preferred to move on as if he never existed.

 

That said, I also realized that it really was never about him. It was always about me and my lack of boundaries, self discipline and accountability, my need for attention, my huge ego. He was just convenient. It could have been anyone.

 

I am so thankful I did not "win". He is truly a bad egg and I am very lucky that his wife did not toss him out as the state of mind I was in, I would have run to him. I was not fit to chose a sandwich at that time of my life, let alone make a decision about who to be with.

 

I come here because it's my AA and all the stories, the same story over and over with the same ending, the only question being - how much will you lose over this person and how long will you wait.

 

It keeps me grounded so if anyone is a bit flirty, I think of this place. Because it's out there, just waiting to drag us back here.

 

Your post. Exactly my feelings. Yes. 1000x yes.

 

My AA. I read and reread here; not as much now as I have 7/8 months NC and am much stronger than I was the first couple of months. I read yours and Lemon's stories and tried to help and support JenniferNYC (she was so close to getting out; had so many supporters; I was really pulling for her). You and some of the other "OGs" have both helped me without knowing it. Very much. Thank you.

 

Lemon; just, hugs. You know all the things you need to do. You've heard all the advice. It sounds like your head and heart just aren't quite lined up yet. I don't doubt that in time you will get to a place where you want to be. Where you feel healthier. Clearer. You have it all in you; never doubt yourself.

 

I wish there was a thread of people who posted the A's they DIDN'T start due to reading our stories here. They seem so few and far between. Or when you posted a question about getting involved in an A it would trigger a visit from someone who has been through it to come to your house and shake some sense into you.

[Grey Cloud]

Hi Lemon!!! It's so good to hear from you! I log in every now and then to see if there are any updates from the "oldies" and saw your update. I have often thought about you and how you are going.

 

Firstly, so sorry for the passing of your mother. I am glad you had that opportunity to spend some quality time with her.

 

Secondly, I totally get where you are at. I have not been physical with my xMM for over a year and yet we are still in contact (after lots of periods of trying to go NC). It ebbs and flows and he no longer has the same hold/pull over me but I also realise we are still somewhat dependent on each other. We don't see each other in person as we know what will happen.

 

Thanks for coming back and updating

[deadsoul]

Your post. Exactly my feelings. Yes. 1000x yes.

 

My AA. I read and reread here; not as much now as I have 7/8 months NC and am much stronger than I was the first couple of months. I read yours and Lemon's stories and tried to help and support JenniferNYC (she was so close to getting out; had so many supporters; I was really pulling for her). You and some of the other "OGs" have both helped me without knowing it. Very much. Thank you.

 

Lemon; just, hugs. You know all the things you need to do. You've heard all the advice. It sounds like your head and heart just aren't quite lined up yet. I don't doubt that in time you will get to a place where you want to be. Where you feel healthier. Clearer. You have it all in you; never doubt yourself.

 

I wish there was a thread of people who posted the A's they DIDN'T start due to reading our stories here. They seem so few and far between. Or when you posted a question about getting involved in an A it would trigger a visit from someone who has been through it to come to your house and shake some sense into you.

 

I don't know whether it's funny or sad but I can now see how easily the lines can be crossed and eventually broken now. For many, there isn't an issue: it just wouldn't ever happen to them because they wouldn't allow it.

 

Funny. I always said the same thing. But now I know so differently how it can happen and why it happens. In fact, this weekend I stepped out of a situation that I felt could lead to crossed boundaries if I didn't remove myself. There was no attraction or anything like that, just the events that were occurring were reminiscent of ones that led me down the wrong path before. So I removed myself before anything could be thought of or misconstrued. I'm sure in Everyone else's eyes, the situation was completely innocent. But in mine, I have to constantly be aware of what could happen and take steps to not make those choices. I compare myself to an alcoholic who goes to a party where everyone is drinking. For most people, that's innocent and fun. But for an alcoholic, it isn't. Maybe the alcoholic isn't tempted to drink at all. But that hyper vigilance probably has to be there. At least in my case, I believe it does.

 

Lemon, I'm so sorry about your mom. It sounds like you did everything you could to make her final days as comfortable as possible and that she was surrounded with your love. I hope you'll become a regular again. I remember reading your posts when I first started lurking.

 

Grey... also good to see you here. I'm not sure how to respond to you being in contact with OM and I'm glad you haven't met up. If you need an "ear," I'm happy to listen.

 

Midnight... I sent you a PM, but I always admire how you keep it real and you are honest about your emotions and experiences. I've always told you that you've helped me more than you'll ever know and you inspire me to pay it forward to someone else in our predicament.

 

Please excuse any typos. I typed this on my phone.