Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[jenkins95]

((((lemon drop))))

 

I've missed your posts. Great to read your latest contributions - fantastic stuff as ever and great to see you are really starting to put xMM behind you.

 

I know exactly what you mean about LS. It is such a fantastic resource and it has helped me so much. I don't know how I would have coped without it when i was lost and rock bottom at the end of last year/ beginning of this year.

 

But other times it can trigger me. Sometimes I'm having a reasonably good day, then I browse the boards, read something that really his me and sometimes it sets me back a little.

 

I notice that there are members who loyally contribute week in week out for years, even though they may be fully recovered from their affair which may have been many years ago. Other members join at a low point in their life, lean on LS, recover to a degree and then disappear never to be seen again.

 

I (and i think you) fit somewhere between these two extremes. In difficult times, we come here a lot, other times we visit sporadically and enjoy the occasional break. But I like to think that i will always visit LS, even if my visits are sporadic. So many wonderful people have helped and supported me (including you ld). and I would love to be able to use my awful experience of having an affair and all that I have learned about it to help guide/support others.

 

Your posts are amazing, and so beautifully written. I hope you enjoy your breaks from LS, but I hope you airways come back because we need you.

 

And by the way, you WILL find happiness with the right guy one day, maybe sooner than you think, and he will be one VERY lucky guy. Make sure he never forgets it.

 

Thanks for being there for us. I wish you and your mother all the very best. J

 

 

I wish I had never had an A and discovered this site called Love Shack where I have wasted SO much time. I will say I've made some lovely friends here but I wish for all of our sakes that we had never gone through any of this.

 

I am trying to focus more on journaling, reflection, mindfulness and so on, mostly about my mother's illness, instead of wasting so much time in this hell hole LS.

 

I can't wait for the last day I ever come here, because then all of these feelings will be fully out of my system. No offense to y'all. Hope everyone's doing ok. I think another LS break may be in order for this gal.

Edited August 27, 2016 by jenkins95

[lemondrop21]

I am sobbing today. I can't believe everything that is happening and that he is making me go through this alone. I know it's my fault but that's still what it feels like. Why did he ever come into my life, now I have no one to help me or lean on. And I feel selfish for even being so sad because my mom is the one who is dying, not me.

[GollumsNightmare]

I am so sorry you are going through this alone. I lost my mother a month ago. It is so very painful. My heart goes out to you. Sending love and light your way...

[imperfectangel]

I am sobbing today. I can't believe everything that is happening and that he is making me go through this alone. I know it's my fault but that's still what it feels like. Why did he ever come into my life, now I have no one to help me or lean on. And I feel selfish for even being so sad because my mom is the one who is dying, not me.

 

I'm so sorry LD. I am mainly on my own too. We are always here for you. I know sometimes we need physical comfort (cuddles etc) but I do feel sometimes it's easier to speak to online friends as they're less judgemental. At least it feels like it for me

 

We are ALL ALWAYS here for you xxxx

[Adoraxx]

I am sobbing today. I can't believe everything that is happening and that he is making me go through this alone. I know it's my fault but that's still what it feels like. Why did he ever come into my life, now I have no one to help me or lean on. And I feel selfish for even being so sad because my mom is the one who is dying, not me.

 

Oh Lemondrop, I wish I could give you a big big hug!!! I can't imagine what you must feel like and I'm sure it's all very overwhelming at the moment. I hope you'll feel better soon!!! And don't feel selfish!!! (((((((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))))))

[Onlywhenitrains]

Sending you hugs, LD!!!!

 

You are not selfish! You are wonderful, strong and caring woman! You will get through this! Cry it out when you have to! Thinking of you!!

[ladydesigner]

(((lemondrop21 & lemondrop21's Mom))) I am sending you hugs today as well. I'm sorry for everything you are going through. and hope peace comes your way.

[lemondrop21]

I sent him an email last week that was emotional and raw and vulnerable. Nothing sexual, nothing trying to draw him back into the affair, just about how much I was hurting. I had written it when I was home with my mom. I didn't know if he would even log into the email account and read it and figured if he didn't, perhaps that was for the best.

 

He did log in, last week. He did read it. He didn't respond.

 

At the end of the week, I texted and asked if I could drop by his office. He said ok. Part of me wanted some sort of response, even if it was just closure. Stupid, I know.

 

He told me he wanted me, had been extremely turned on all week. I said no, it's Pandora's box and we can't open it. There was some sexting after. But I stopped it. I told him, "I'm not a free prostitute. I can't just f*ck you and not talk otherwise. We can't be f*ck buddies, because I care about you." I asked him if he still had feelings for me, and he said yes. He said he can't handle being f*ck buddies either. I told him I was done with the conversation and we could talk more later.

 

And then a couple days later, he wrote me the cruelest email he's ever written.

 

He said every time he sees me it awakens some dark part of him but then it consumes him. How he hates that dark part of him. How he has very little positive feelings left for me. How I shouldn't respond and how we shouldn't talk anymore.

 

So I walked to his office, because God knows I wasn't going to let him have the last word. I asked him how he could say those things. I asked him how he could live with himself.

 

I told him it had been real for me. I said it was disgusting how he had created this dichotomy in his head where I'm this evil, gross thing because he KNOWS that's not me.

 

I told him I am still glad I broke up with my ex and that it was the right decision BUT I have to live with knowing that the break with my ex was prompted by the start of the A.

 

Then I started crying. "If everything you say is true, and this was all just unreal and gross and wrong, then maybe I should have stayed with [my ex], he was stable, just like your wife. I would be married by now. My mom could have seen me get married."

 

I started to choke on my own tears.

 

"I could have been pregnant by now."

 

Then I gasped for air, wiped my tears away, looked him straight in the eye, and told him - "If you ever speak to me again, ever, I swear to God, when I leave this place I will send your wife a letter and tell her everything. Not because I give a s**t or want to ruin anybody's lives, but because that's how serious I am that I never want you to speak to me again."

 

I stood up. "I hope you sort your s**t out," I said. Then I walked out.

 

I deleted our secret email account. I forwarded enough so that if I ever need evidence for his wife then I have it.

 

I have blocked his cell phone and will block his work phone when I get in the office. I've blocked him on apps.

 

I feel like vomiting. Although it's been 95% over for months, this is really it. Now I have to keep it together and keep strong for my mom. I will start taking those antidepressants I've been putting off.

 

Needing all of your virtual hugs today.

Edited September 4, 2016 by lemondrop21

[imperfectangel]

Omg LD, I'll reply properly later but couldn't just read and and run. I'm about ready to storm into your mm's office myself!!!! What a horrible man!

[Grey Cloud]

Oh LD! Big hugs. He totally showed you his true colours by not responding to your raw, emotional and vulnerable email but was ok to tell you he had been turned on all week and tried to get it on if you had allowed it??!!!

 

My xMM said something similar to me - that I bring out the bad side of him, a person he "doesn't recognise", someone who he is not normally like. Oh please! Spare me. He even told me that the "old xmm is now locked in a cage". It makes you feel like sh*t because it's like it's our fault that we bring that side out when in the meantime they can't see how they are equally to blame for cheating on their wife!!!

 

You have done the right thing. I really don't know how you have managed when you still have to see him at work. Hopefully he knows you now mean business and will leave you alone xx

[imsosad]

LD, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Look back at all the pain he caused you. Resume contact with him,only more pain to come.

You will not break NC! No way.

You have to close the door on this episode of your life. Yes,it will hurt,but you know what? Being in touch with him hurts too,it's just a pain you're used to. Get used to the hardship of NC but hang on to it like your life depends upon it. You will hurt, but you will have your dignity and self worth and they are good company. You also have your future to look forward to.

I felt sick reading he felt turned on ll week. Really?He knows all you've been through and this is his response? What a self centered fool, not an ounce of empathy,of friendship,of maturity.

Ugh.

You are so well rid of him. Decide that come hell or high tide, you don't budge.

Have you blocked him on your phone and all social media?

Hang in there,honey. It will be worth it.

[Cymbeline]

'I told him it had been real for me. I said it was disgusting how he had created this dichotomy in his head where I'm this evil, gross thing because he KNOWS that's not me. '

 

This is erroneous thinking. You are not the evil thing in his head: his ego, in its responsible, reality based persona, recognises the destruction he has wrought. It is the split off part of himself which gains a pay off for being with you that wreaks destruction and that he is ashamed of. ( the payoff could simply be pleasure, but given the cycle you describe, there are probably deeper issues he needs to explore with a good therapist)

 

It isn't about you being evil; he has problems and is likely to continue take others down with him. I hope the memory of your fury helps you to maintain a level of disgust that protects you from re engaging at any level.

 

Best wishes at this terrible time of your life.

[Adoraxx]

Hi LD!!! I'm FURIOUS at your xMM too!!!! It's so awful what he did to you!! First he tells you (after your long email that came from your heart) that he has been turned on all week and then he tells you that you remind of his dark bad side or whatever evil it was that came out of his ugly mouth.......... Ugh, you know what, when I read that, I knew that that is totally something that my xMM thinks too!!!!! How dare he treat you like you're something 'bad'!!!

 

He has very 'little positive things' left for you.......... pfffffff!!!!!!! Oh I'm sure he has lots of positive things left for HIMSELF! What an @ss........ I'm so mad! I'm so sorry sweetie, that must have hurt so MUCH!!! Good for you though that you deleted that secret email account (i'm going to do the same once I've moved) and that you've blocked him.

 

I wish I could say more to help you, LD........ Sending you big hugs!!!!

[imperfectangel]

So LD, your mm is completely out of order for how he treated you. My mm was the same, would not respond to emotional emails but sexting he'd be all over that.

 

He has shown you his true colours; something which I think he'll regret in the coming weeks/months. I really do think he'll regret talking to you that way.

 

Although it wasn't nice it's great that you stuck up for yourself I'm sure he'll know when he realises you've deleted him everywhere that you're serious.

 

But one positive is that this is closure. You know where you stand now. Not nice but he's shown you who he really is. You can move on now, with your head held high. He will always have to live with what he's done to you

[BluesPower]

LD, hon I am so, so sorry that you are dealing with this. You did the right thing in the end but I am so sorry that this happened at all.

 

I am sending hugs to you right now. If you want to talk more we are here.

 

All love to you...

[heartwhole]

I'm glad you slammed the door shut on that dysfunction. But I know it wasn't easy. ((LemonDrop))

 

What seems to be your pattern is reengaging when you feel overwhelmed by your anger or indignation or grief. What can you do to let those feelings out in a different way now that you're committed to NC with xMM? Journaling, posting here, exercise, etc.?

[Bufo]

LD. Excuse any typos because I'm typing one handed.

 

While you paid a terrible price you probably got more than you paid for. He displayed his true character to you in no uncertain terms. Even the most self centered player must know that you are done with him and will move on to his next target.

 

Wisdom from another forum: No Contact Means No New Hurts.

 

It's a simple mantra and easy to recall and apply as needed.

 

You aren't looking back with nostalgia. That's good. Your next goal should be zen-like indifference.

 

In another thread I posted "you can't change the past but you can change the future". That's still true. Look ahead, not behind.

[lemondrop21]

Just a quick post that I stuck to total NC today (everything still blocked). Still in shock at the things he said yesterday. But I feel like I have the upper hand because I was the one who blocked everywhere and let me tell you, THAT feels good. I don't feel pathetic anymore. I feel strong.

 

Super busy with work, and leaving for home soon. Thank you for all of your virtual hugs and thoughts guys! Much appreciated.

[Adoraxx]

Just a quick post that I stuck to total NC today (everything still blocked). Still in shock at the things he said yesterday. But I feel like I have the upper hand because I was the one who blocked everywhere and let me tell you, THAT feels good. I don't feel pathetic anymore. I feel strong.

 

Super busy with work, and leaving for home soon. Thank you for all of your virtual hugs and thoughts guys! Much appreciated.

 

Thinking of you, LD!!!!! Hugs!!

[imperfectangel]

Do you still have to work with him or is all that done now?

 

I'm glad you're feeling better, you deserve it

[Chica80]

LD so sorry this happened......maybe it's for the better to help you really move on.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm glad you slammed the door shut on that dysfunction. But I know it wasn't easy. ((LemonDrop))

 

What seems to be your pattern is reengaging when you feel overwhelmed by your anger or indignation or grief. What can you do to let those feelings out in a different way now that you're committed to NC with xMM? Journaling, posting here, exercise, etc.?

 

This is a big thing.

 

I have read your thread too.

You go to him when you are depressed and / or angry.

 

Maybe notice when you want to go to him if you are using depression or anger as a trigger and then work through it yourself instead of venting or engaging him at all.

 

Frankly, pretty much all he is actually willing to do for your feelings is "pretend" for a bit, or sext you, or bone you.

At first intense emotions cam seem pretty thrilling for an MM to get off on. Then it just becomes a big headache, or they wait for you to "calm down" so you are "safe to engage with" again.

 

And the other problem is that if you go to him to engage him when you are emotional, it either binds you to him further or leaves you feeling rejected. Both are terrible. You have no future with him so being closer to him is just crap and feeling rejected is worse too because I bet you engage with him again a short time after and start the cycle again.

 

Even though you wrote a painful ending to the conversation I am honestly worried that it just signs you up for a lower bottom this time. Relationships usually don't end after a dramatic punctuation. They end after that grief has gone by and a LOT LOT LOT of detachment has happened. You've still been turning to him with a lot of depression and a lot of anger.

 

Now with your mother passing (so sorry about this) it might set you up for even more turmoil.

 

1. You NEED to stop going to his office or home EVER again. (This is a particularly horrible thing to do to his wife by the way, very terrible violation)

 

2. Find another support to turn to with the depressed / angry times. I had to, at times, call a distress center from my cel phone to detach from my husband and stop contacting him when I was upsrt and we were seoarated. It really helped save my sanity.

 

3. Find some kind of grief counseling.

 

4. Get tested. You have no idea who he's been with or hasn't. He clearly isn't a loyal person.

[Chica80]

This is a big thing.

 

I have read your thread too.

You go to him when you are depressed and / or angry.

 

Maybe notice when you want to go to him if you are using depression or anger as a trigger and then work through it yourself instead of venting or engaging him at all.

 

Frankly, pretty much all he is actually willing to do for your feelings is "pretend" for a bit, or sext you, or bone you.

At first intense emotions cam seem pretty thrilling for an MM to get off on. Then it just becomes a big headache, or they wait for you to "calm down" so you are "safe to engage with" again.

 

And the other problem is that if you go to him to engage him when you are emotional, it either binds you to him further or leaves you feeling rejected. Both are terrible. You have no future with him so being closer to him is just crap and feeling rejected is worse too because I bet you engage with him again a short time after and start the cycle again.

 

Even though you wrote a painful ending to the conversation I am honestly worried that it just signs you up for a lower bottom this time. Relationships usually don't end after a dramatic punctuation. They end after that grief has gone by and a LOT LOT LOT of detachment has happened. You've still been turning to him with a lot of depression and a lot of anger.

 

Now with your mother passing (so sorry about this) it might set you up for even more turmoil.

 

1. You NEED to stop going to his office or home EVER again. (This is a particularly horrible thing to do to his wife by the way, very terrible violation)

 

2. Find another support to turn to with the depressed / angry times. I had to, at times, call a distress center from my cel phone to detach from my husband and stop contacting him when I was upsrt and we were seoarated. It really helped save my sanity.

 

3. Find some kind of grief counseling.

 

4. Get tested. You have no idea who he's been with or hasn't. He clearly isn't a loyal person.

 

 

Thank you for this.....its a very good point, (for myself). A good perspective...

[HeCantBreakMe]

Lemon,

 

I don't usually post on a lot of threads but I spent hours pouring over your posts and past history with your MM. I am not sure if your story called to me or you called to me but I think I see a lot of myself in you. Our situations our different though I do work with my xMM but i am also married. First of all I wish i could give you a big hug and tell you how amazingly strong you are. You are worth the world in gold and i know that some day you will find someone who makes MM look like the idiot ahole he is, and you will look back on this and realize how much you grew.

 

I am sorry for what you have had to go through. Good luck sweet girl.

[ladydesigner]

Grrrrrr I am so mad that when you are trying to get emotional support from him and he gives you this dribble...

 

He told me he wanted me, had been extremely turned on all week.

 

I mean are you ****ing kidding me. I just can't... this kind of crap makes me sick at my WH because he has acted similarly towards me with his stupid SA sh*t.

 

Lemondrop you deserve so much better so so so much better and you will... not right now... but you will!

 

Let this man wither away!