Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[imperfectangel]

Exactly Angel. I've followed your posts, though I don't comment much. Trash is a perfect word and worse was his viewpoint that he was surprised that I expected anything more from him. This was not one of those FWB things - this was a guy who knew me for years and professed undying love. It's all such bs. It hurt a lot, A LOT, to see him completely fine, back in his world, happy as a clam. But what goes around comes around I suppose. He's back saying the sweet words - while still saying he is working and committed to his marriage. I used to be really angry/sad/depressed all the time. I hated him and I hated me. Now it actually amuses me.

 

It is bizzare. It's true when people say you reach your breaking point. He has me blocked on Facebook (insurance apparently) and my friend showed me his profile picture which obv has his family in but this was put up in that two months. It just made me realise that all this meant way more to me than to him. I'm hurting feeling horrible 24/7 it affected every part of my life yet there he is playing happy families. Also if he has the time to change a fb picture he has the time to reply to me. He was choosing not to and that's pretty messed up

[lemondrop21]

Thank you all for your responses!

 

Midnight, it is really tough isn't it, being around them? I understand the validation when someone comes crawling back, I really do. But then at the same time, you feel a bit of revulsion, do you not? It takes a lot of balls to say "I'm staying in my marriage but please continue to have sex with me." A lot of balls... and not in the good way.

 

I once told MM that I wouldn't want to be in a real relationship with him anyway because look at how he is treating his wife, so how could I trust him? But I realized, it's more complex than that. If he had up and left in the early days of the A, then yes, I could have trusted him, because sometimes people make mistakes and it's what needed to instigate change... not pretty, but true. But, he continues to try and compartmentalize, and wants to continue both the A and the marriage. He views himself as having made a decision and has nothing more to agonize over. It's just a matter of whether he can have me as icing on the cake or not. THAT behavior is what would make me not trust him.

 

How are things at home for you - if I'm remembering correctly, you are staying in your marriage as well?

 

Angel, I like the thought of waltzing into work with a huge rock on my finger, although I hope to be long gone from here by then! Thanks for that!

[Girlfromcali]

I feel the same way. I could never trust him. He has never really lied, though. Two days ago he said he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I mean he literally told me that. But he also claims he was/is madly in love with me and that I'm perfect for him every way, and if I had lived near him, he would've wanted to see me every day and left his W (which is BS).

 

Actually I reread your first post and had forgotten the rest of your story. I hoped that you had gotten out of your A after two weeks. That would've made you some kind of alien, but it would've been so wonderful.

 

He said something really sick and hurtful two days ago. I broke NC so I deserved it. Anytime I'm breaking NC, I am making a conscious decision to acquire more pain. Anytime I break NC, it makes me more masochistic and self hating person. I wonder why I hate myself this much that I let people treat me this way.

[lemondrop21]

I feel the same way. I could never trust him. He has never really lied, though. Two days ago he said he wants to have his cake and eat it too. I mean he literally told me that. But he also claims he was/is madly in love with me and that I'm perfect for him every way, and if I had lived near him, he would've wanted to see me every day and left his W (which is BS).

 

Actually I reread your first post and had forgotten the rest of your story. I hoped that you had gotten out of your A after two weeks. That would've made you some kind of alien, but it would've been so wonderful.

 

He said something really sick and hurtful two days ago. I broke NC so I deserved it. Anytime I'm breaking NC, I am making a conscious decision to acquire more pain. Anytime I break NC, it makes me more masochistic and self hating person. I wonder why I hate myself this much that I let people treat me this way.

 

MM said the exact same thing to me, that he wants to have his cake and eat it too, he wants both the affair and the marriage. I agree, it has nothing to do with "if you lived near him." What garbage. There would be another reason, if you lived near him. I live 1/2 a mile away from MM and he can see me every day at work if he wants to, and he's certainly not leaving.

 

Please don't say you "deserve" pain because you broke NC. I get it - I have those thoughts too - last week I started having scary self-destructive thoughts about how I deserve pain because of what I did to BW. But don't let yourself fall down into that; it doesn't help anyone. And whatever "sick and hurtful" thing he said to you, I'm sorry he said that. Whatever it is, it isn't true and he probably doesn't mean it either. He is lashing out in his own way, in frustration, because he wants both his affair and marriage and you are ruining his plans.

 

Sending you hugs.

Edited May 22, 2016 by lemondrop21

[imperfectangel]

Angel, I like the thought of waltzing into work with a huge rock on my finger, although I hope to be long gone from here by then! Thanks for that!

 

Lol I just want MM jaw to drop when he sees it. Which it will lol he'll be devastated. Awesome

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you all for your responses!

 

Midnight, it is really tough isn't it, being around them? I understand the validation when someone comes crawling back, I really do. But then at the same time, you feel a bit of revulsion, do you not? It takes a lot of balls to say "I'm staying in my marriage but please continue to have sex with me." A lot of balls... and not in the good way.

 

I once told MM that I wouldn't want to be in a real relationship with him anyway because look at how he is treating his wife, so how could I trust him? But I realized, it's more complex than that. If he had up and left in the early days of the A, then yes, I could have trusted him, because sometimes people make mistakes and it's what needed to instigate change... not pretty, but true. But, he continues to try and compartmentalize, and wants to continue both the A and the marriage. He views himself as having made a decision and has nothing more to agonize over. It's just a matter of whether he can have me as icing on the cake or not. THAT behavior is what would make me not trust him.

 

How are things at home for you - if I'm remembering correctly, you are staying in your marriage as well?

 

Angel, I like the thought of waltzing into work with a huge rock on my finger, although I hope to be long gone from here by then! Thanks for that!

 

The ring thing happened to me with my ex, when I got engaged to my H, and it's a great feeling. The funny part is though that I actually didn't get any satisfaction or ah-ha moment because I was so happy with my fiance' that my ex was irrelevant. I just happened to literally bump into him, as it often happens with these things. It will eventually happen with you and you probably won't really be even thinking about xMM. Irony.

 

Yes, it was really difficult to see him for months. Constant roller coaster. In the first few months I'd go out of my way to look really good, sometimes ignore him, sometimes yell, sometimes be friendly. It was all under the misguided assumption that he was feeling the same pain and depth of emotion I was. But it's like that cartoon where the woman wonders what the guy is thinking and imagines all these different things and the bubble over the guy's head shows a sandwich. As he said to me last week, he knew it was over in end of Dec and just moved on.

 

Except - it's hard to really do that and if you block all the stages of grief, they come back in some way. He is REALLY good at compartmentalizing and when he first texted me a few weeks ago, I knew he was cracking. And now the flirting and even asking me if I missed him, with the smileys and excess flirty punctuation. He doesn't love anyone, let alone me, but I know he thinks he does (as he says it) but I think he has sex and love all mixed up in his mind. Plus he liked me caring about him. He is really looking for that again, just to know someone cares. Get a dog. That's how I feel. I'm not mean though because payback is a b*tch and I will thoroughly enjoy it if he full on asks me to meet up. It's just easier to act normal, treat him like anyone else.

 

You asked about my marriage. Yes, we are still together. Things are good. Everything has changed dramatically. My H is in the process of going back to work and I am not working 2 jobs anymore. I am now working at home on one job and will be spending time with my kids, who I never saw. The work and kids part makes me really happy. I was miserable. As for the actual relationship, it was never bad, we were just completely disconnected, so we are spending a good deal of time together. I'm sure once he goes back to work that will change again. It will be challenging but at least its different from the hell I lived in working all the time. It was very tough between us because of xMM for a long time, mainly because I had not let go. H knew I talked with him and would see me cry, and that was really just all bad. But he stuck it out and I'm feeling a lot better.

 

You should reconsider your work situation in some way. Although xMM was not at the job I left, I was miserable and that misery made me focus on MM even more as he was my imagined escape from my life, if that makes sense. Now that I am happier professionally, I really do not think about him like I used to. I'd sit at my desk and think about him for 40 hours a week. Terrible.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you all for your responses!

 

Midnight, it is really tough isn't it, being around them? I understand the validation when someone comes crawling back, I really do. But then at the same time, you feel a bit of revulsion, do you not? It takes a lot of balls to say "I'm staying in my marriage but please continue to have sex with me." A lot of balls... and not in the good way.

 

I once told MM that I wouldn't want to be in a real relationship with him anyway because look at how he is treating his wife, so how could I trust him? But I realized, it's more complex than that. If he had up and left in the early days of the A, then yes, I could have trusted him, because sometimes people make mistakes and it's what needed to instigate change... not pretty, but true. But, he continues to try and compartmentalize, and wants to continue both the A and the marriage. He views himself as having made a decision and has nothing more to agonize over. It's just a matter of whether he can have me as icing on the cake or not. THAT behavior is what would make me not trust him.

 

 

About the relationship thing - I'm no hypocrite, the reason I wouldn't is not because he's a cheater. Heck, don't 50% of people cheat? No, it's because he has no empathy for people, not for me, not for his wife. I mean, here he is back again, completely not caring at all about the very real possibility of destroying me again. Granted, I have personal responsibility here, but he really doesn't care about me on even a basic human level. I don't like people like that.

[MidnightBlue1980]

But he also claims he was/is madly in love with me and that I'm perfect for him every way, and if I had lived near him, he would've wanted to see me every day and left his W (which is BS).

 

 

People who love you don't try to hurt and use you. They protect you and keep you from hard.

[Girlfromcali]

People who love you don't try to hurt and use you. They protect you and keep you from hard.

 

When he says that now, it makes me cringe. There's no value in those words. There's nothing new in anything he says. It's the same boring thing. It's not interesting nor even worth writing about.

 

I know what love is. I have experienced it but not by him. MM has never done anything that would suggest that he loves me. It's not really his fault though. He can't love someone he doesn't even know.

[Moxie Lady]

last week I started having scary self-destructive thoughts about how I deserve pain because of what I did to BW.

 

I know there is disagreement on this topic. I speak as a BW. You dont 'deserve' pain and you didn't do anything to the BW. Maybe you chased after him (I dont know your story), OW chased after my ex-H but Im sure he wasn't hard to catch. (If she had not caught him I would have gladly transported him directly to her doorstep and dropped him in a heap there just for her). If it had not been her it would have just been someone else. I couldnt lock him in the basement, howerver tempting that was. If I could not count on him to be faithful then there is nothing I can do about it. Its him not me.

 

You participated in something that perhaps you are not proud of and led to hurt but you didnt do it to hurt the BW. On the other hand the man you were involved with violated his vows. He hurt the BW.

 

In my eyes it doesnt excuse being an OW but you are here on this forum having these discussions so you know that, its all you can do at this point and move forward with integrity and self respect.

[lemondrop21]

I know there is disagreement on this topic. I speak as a BW. You dont 'deserve' pain and you didn't do anything to the BW. Maybe you chased after him (I dont know your story), OW chased after my ex-H but Im sure he wasn't hard to catch. (If she had not caught him I would have gladly transported him directly to her doorstep and dropped him in a heap there just for her). If it had not been her it would have just been someone else. I couldnt lock him in the basement, howerver tempting that was. If I could not count on him to be faithful then there is nothing I can do about it. Its him not me.

 

You participated in something that perhaps you are not proud of and led to hurt but you didnt do it to hurt the BW. On the other hand the man you were involved with violated his vows. He hurt the BW.

 

In my eyes it doesnt excuse being an OW but you are here on this forum having these discussions so you know that, its all you can do at this point and move forward with integrity and self respect.

Thank you for your kind words, Moxie, they are very truly appreciated. I did not chase him, he chased me, but no matter - I should have walked away immediately. Frankly I could tell he was little more than a confused idiot, even back then. I do agree that if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else, because there was space in his marriage for it to happen. But I also wish I didn't have to live with the fact that it WAS me.

[ChickiePops]

Thank you for your kind words, Moxie, they are very truly appreciated. I did not chase him, he chased me, but no matter - I should have walked away immediately. Frankly I could tell he was little more than a confused idiot, even back then. I do agree that if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else, because there was space in his marriage for it to happen. But I also wish I didn't have to live with the fact that it WAS me.

 

I've said this before but making a mistake, even a huge, potentially multiple life-ruining one like involving yourself in an affair, doesn't define you as a person.

 

Should you have walked away? Of course you should. But as Moxie said, the fact that you're saying the things you are now means that you understand what you've done and how and why it was wrong, and you're trying to fix it, and that says a lot about the person you are NOW, which is what counts.

 

Are you going to involve yourself with another married man? If not, then consider it lesson learned. A sucky lesson for everyone involved, but a lesson.

[privategal]

Thank you for your kind words, Moxie, they are very truly appreciated. I did not chase him, he chased me, but no matter - I should have walked away immediately. Frankly I could tell he was little more than a confused idiot, even back then. I do agree that if it hadn't been me, it would have been someone else, because there was space in his marriage for it to happen. But I also wish I didn't have to live with the fact that it WAS me.

 

Going over and over the shoulda coulda woulda and why me and what happened is so futile.

When an xAP wont move forward in her life as she is so stuck on guilt blame shane etc then you might as well still be in the A as its keeping it so alive.

Youve got to start focusing on career, what is good about you, getting out...breathing fresh air, seeing concerts, beaches, lakes, festivals, making friends.

At first...you force those things...next...you realize...Im alive, Im still living...

If your depressed, meds can help (they did for me)

Your going to grieve but you cant sit in a pool of sh-t and wonder why you cant feel clean.

Youve gotta take steps, embrace its over for WHATEVER reason...the main one being he has a wife...

And begin to truly let go.

Big hug...please dont give up.

[lemondrop21]

Going over and over the shoulda coulda woulda and why me and what happened is so futile.

When an xAP wont move forward in her life as she is so stuck on guilt blame shane etc then you might as well still be in the A as its keeping it so alive.

Youve got to start focusing on career, what is good about you, getting out...breathing fresh air, seeing concerts, beaches, lakes, festivals, making friends.

At first...you force those things...next...you realize...Im alive, Im still living...

If your depressed, meds can help (they did for me)

Your going to grieve but you cant sit in a pool of sh-t and wonder why you cant feel clean.

Youve gotta take steps, embrace its over for WHATEVER reason...the main one being he has a wife...

And begin to truly let go.

Big hug...please dont give up.

Thanks private. I have good days and bad, but overall I've made progress. I had a phone call yesterday about a potential new job. I went on two dates this past weekend. I got back in the gym the other day after a few weeks of not exercising, which is unlike me as I'm normally pretty fit. And I'm close to finishing up a course this term for my masters degree. So I am living, yes. And I will let go in time.

 

I've thought about antidepressants but I don't know if I qualify as having depression, as my mood is so up and down. I'll have a GREAT day and then the next day, a terrible one, and it swings back and forth like that all the time.

[lemondrop21]

...and no I'm not going to send this to MM either.

 

Dear MM,

So you made a big family decision, and put off telling me for a good long while. As you put it - "You said you don't want to know about my home life, so I didn't tell you." Right.

 

I mean, it's fine, because I'm moving on, I have other prospects, in fact one of them is texting me right now. But you know what bothers me? Your life is still a fraud. I feel really bad for your wife, here she is involved in a big family decision without ever knowing the truth about your marriage. At least if you confessed, she would be able to make decisions in a real way. Instead of operating under some sick illusion.

 

And yes, I am also just sad and bitter and all of that, because a year ago, you said you would NEVER make this big family decision that you just made. You said that if w brought up one word about it, that you would hit the roof. And I remember thinking at the time, that was a bit extreme, and w is entitled to her opinions. Well I guess she somehow convinced you, or you are doing it out of guilt over your sham marriage.

 

A post-affair relationship with no D-Day; such a strange thing isn't it? Because when you think about it, I actually hold all the power. You can stay in your marriage, you can cut me out of your life even (although you have proven time and again that you can't really stay away 100%). But I could blow up your entire world in an instant. At any time. And you have to walk around with the fear that I might become a little crazier, a little more depressed, a little more vindictive, and do that.

 

I suppose the only thing that keeps you sane is that you know I'm not that person. You know I'm no bunny-boiler. You know that I wouldn't inflict that kind of pain on w and the kids. You're safe. Your life is perfect. You have w, the beautiful kids, the new promotion, and now the [big family decision that I can't post on the internet because it would make it too obvious].

 

And ultimately, I am free to find someone who doesn't think it's okay to conduct their marriage in such a manner. And I will. Guess the joke is on you in the end.

[imperfectangel]

You have a point about who's really in control. MM said to me he ignored me because he had to "keep some kind of control" when really his whole life as he knows it is in my hands. All I have to do is pick up the phone. I don't actually enjoy having that much power over someone's life but it was a massive realisation for me at the time

[notthechosen1]

...and no I'm not going to send this to MM either.

 

Dear MM,

So you made a big family decision, and put off telling me for a good long while. As you put it - "You said you don't want to know about my home life, so I didn't tell you." Right.

 

I mean, it's fine, because I'm moving on, I have other prospects, in fact one of them is texting me right now. But you know what bothers me? Your life is still a fraud. I feel really bad for your wife, here she is involved in a big family decision without ever knowing the truth about your marriage. At least if you confessed, she would be able to make decisions in a real way. Instead of operating under some sick illusion.

 

And yes, I am also just sad and bitter and all of that, because a year ago, you said you would NEVER make this big family decision that you just made. You said that if w brought up one word about it, that you would hit the roof. And I remember thinking at the time, that was a bit extreme, and w is entitled to her opinions. Well I guess she somehow convinced you, or you are doing it out of guilt over your sham marriage.

 

A post-affair relationship with no D-Day; such a strange thing isn't it? Because when you think about it, I actually hold all the power. You can stay in your marriage, you can cut me out of your life even (although you have proven time and again that you can't really stay away 100%). But I could blow up your entire world in an instant. At any time. And you have to walk around with the fear that I might become a little crazier, a little more depressed, a little more vindictive, and do that.

 

I suppose the only thing that keeps you sane is that you know I'm not that person. You know I'm no bunny-boiler. You know that I wouldn't inflict that kind of pain on w and the kids. You're safe. Your life is perfect. You have w, the beautiful kids, the new promotion, and now the [big family decision that I can't post on the internet because it would make it too obvious].

 

And ultimately, I am free to find someone who doesn't think it's okay to conduct their marriage in such a manner. And I will. Guess the joke is on you in the end.

 

 

If my MM didn't have a dday I would almost swear we have the same MM! This gave me chills to read this as my exMM has recently made a HUGE decision that affects his whole family life. I also can't say bc it could reveal too much. But it stings and hurts so bad. Mine did the same thing in the beginning. The thought of this "change" was just unspeakable and ridiculous and "never going to happen"- his words exactly. And I hear through the grape vine at work that it IS going to happen!! I don't know if the dday pushed this but I have heard from another this decision was being made around January, way before the dday. So while I was his everything to him during this time, he didn't even have the balls to tell me he was in fact going to make this life change involving his family. the one he swore up and down he would NOT do. This was during a time we were still pretty hot and heavy. When I look back now, I can see how he was dwindling our relationship down for a couple months, then boom gets hit with a dday and I'm out of the picture and this new life changing plan is rolling in motion!

 

I feel your pain. these MM are ridiculous

[notthechosen1]

I also wanted to say I admire your strength! I would have for sure outed my MM at this point if he ended it with me without a dday. To see him waltz around the office like he is having his cake, icing, and all of it would really send me over the edge! I hope you don't have to see him that much. I unfortunately have to see mine every single day no matter what. For now, that is. Soon that will change.

 

If I was in your position I would have already sent an anonymous message to his wife from a fake fb account and outed him!

 

Kudos to you for being so strong!!

 

You mentioned post affair relationship and tense conversations in your past entries. Are the tense conversations angry ones or tense bc of sexual? I'm just being curious on that. I had wondered what you meant on that. My MM refuses to talk to me unless other co-workers are around and then he pulls the switch and acts like he is everyones bff and then will manage to utter some words to me. It's pathetic really. So pathetic to watch how he acts now. I was just curious how your post affair relationship is working out? Is is just bc you work together and can't do true NC?

 

And good job on dating! I have considered it, but can't seem to imagine what kind of story I would be telling a potential dater! ha! "oh you know, I was married, dated a married man, my husband left, divorcing me now, and my MM also left me. Wanna date?" I'm sure that would leave anyone running out the door.

[lemondrop21]

I also wanted to say I admire your strength! I would have for sure outed my MM at this point if he ended it with me without a dday. To see him waltz around the office like he is having his cake, icing, and all of it would really send me over the edge! I hope you don't have to see him that much. I unfortunately have to see mine every single day no matter what. For now, that is. Soon that will change.

 

If I was in your position I would have already sent an anonymous message to his wife from a fake fb account and outed him!

 

Kudos to you for being so strong!!

 

You mentioned post affair relationship and tense conversations in your past entries. Are the tense conversations angry ones or tense bc of sexual? I'm just being curious on that. I had wondered what you meant on that. My MM refuses to talk to me unless other co-workers are around and then he pulls the switch and acts like he is everyones bff and then will manage to utter some words to me. It's pathetic really. So pathetic to watch how he acts now. I was just curious how your post affair relationship is working out? Is is just bc you work together and can't do true NC?

 

And good job on dating! I have considered it, but can't seem to imagine what kind of story I would be telling a potential dater! ha! "oh you know, I was married, dated a married man, my husband left, divorcing me now, and my MM also left me. Wanna date?" I'm sure that would leave anyone running out the door.

 

Thanks, notthechosen1, but I am really not that strong and don't deserve all the praise. I would describe the status of things now as being some days an EA, some days very hostile, and some days NC (but only for a day or two, and not declared as indefinite "NC"). So it's not really a true post-affair relationship. Some days it feels like it is, like when I wrote that post. And other days there's still this mutated form of the A going on.

 

I know deep down I would never tell his wife because it's not my place to do so. But yes, at times I have this very strong anger towards him, like you don't deserve all of this success, and to just go on in your life like nothing happened. And it's really not about what he's done to me, I was a willing participant after all - but about what he's done to w behind her back, for a really long time, and this wannabe cake eating attitude that he's developed.

 

Yes, dating sounds like it might be a bit more challenging in your situation than mine at the moment, but you'll get there, and I don't think you'd need to mention the reason your husband left until much further into a relationship. That will be tough, but not insurmountable. Focus on you for now... I know that's easier said than done!

 

You asked a question about whether the conversations are tense sexually or in an angry way. It's anger. We are not on good enough terms at the moment to have much sexual tension . I'll address that more in my next post.

[minimariah]

Lemon... are you still in love with him? how do you view him now, romantically?

[Girlfromcali]

No lemondrop, you are strong. I think you are..

 

It's normal to feel anger. It is a feeling I have felt and also expressed to MM. I'm not going to lose my beauty and become even more depressed because I'm turning the anger inwards.

 

I feel bad for those who have to be in contact with them because of work or other reasons. I actually chose being in contact, even a year after it ended. My bad.

 

Yesterday I felt happy because I just realized that since I have zero interest in contacting him anymore, there will never be any new pain. All the pain I will ever feel from this day on regarding to A, is going to be old. There's never going to be anything new again because I will never see or hear from him. That made me very happy.

 

How many times people say NC is the only way...they say it all the time, but it's because it's the truth. There is no other way.

[lemondrop21]

Dear MM,

I am kind of struggling today after this past week, with your big family decision. I told you off after that, told you that your family decisions are obviously not my business but that it hurts, seeing you carry on like this, moving forward with your long term planning in your family life. You slipped it into conversation sooooo casually, but I think you knew exactly what you were doing since you knew I would find out eventually. And then you had the balls to act surprised when I was upset.

 

So now you have suggested that we cut all contact because I have been telling you off at least once a week for weeks now, and you are tired of this. You're always so tired. I told you, it's at the point that a medically-induced coma sounds like it would be a good option for you because you're just sooooo tired all the time.

 

I really am blunt when I'm angry, aren't I? I guess I would get tired of hearing it, too.

 

You say that the dynamic is different between us than it used to be. Oh really? I wonder why? Let me list the reasons: 1.No PA = less fun for you (and me too I suppose, but I can find my fun elsewhere if I want to); 2.You told me a couple months ago that you wanted to continue on in the A and stay in your marriage, have your cake and eat it too, with no pretense of working towards a resolution; 3. When I storm into your office or fire off some angry texts, the words I speak might be harsh, sometimes even mean, but they always contain the bitter truth, and you hate having to confront that. I'm not the fun little ego-stroking OW anymore. Sorry, not sorry.

 

You know what, I'm done writing this or wasting any more time thinking about you today. I'm off to study for my exam for the course that I originally dropped because of you. I'm completing that course now. I'm dating now. I have high hopes for my future. Done.

[Bufo]

Good for you.

 

The one who cares the least has the most power in any relationship. Work on detachment and you'll gain power over yourself.

[lemondrop21]

Lemon... are you still in love with him? how do you view him now, romantically?

Unfortunately, buried deep underneath the anger that I often feel these days, yes, I still love him - or rather, some parts of him that I know. I know that I cannot love him in the way that I'd love someone after a year in a normal relationship (not to mention years in a marriage!), because I just don't know him well enough for that. The love I feel for him has to do with some sense of basic compatibility and is primarily fueled by memories at this stage. The days when we are friendly are rarer and rarer, and there is no more PA.

 

"In love" with him - no, I think those feelings are lost as there has been too much negativity lately. This is due to a few things that have happened in the past several months: him expressing a desire to carry on both the affair and marriage, seemingly indefinitely; his promotion at work; and a recent family decision. These things have made his life seem, to me, like one giant performance. Like something he is just trying to "manage" instead of living authentically.

 

Don't get me wrong, I am in no way saying that he should "live authentically" by leaving his wife. He probably should stay in the marriage, but at the end of the day how could I know either way? My point is that I cannot be "in love" with someone who carries on this way for pretty much an entire year without more of an attempt to work on the root of the problem (himself). Maybe that would be IC, maybe that would be coming clean to his wife. I don't know. Something. I recognize that I have been a willing participant in all of this, but he is the one with the marriage to sort out.

 

Yesterday I felt happy because I just realized that since I have zero interest in contacting him anymore, there will never be any new pain. All the pain I will ever feel from this day on regarding to A, is going to be old. There's never going to be anything new again because I will never see or hear from him. That made me very happy.

So glad you felt happiness over this, Girlfromcali. Do realize that your compulsion to contact him might crop again - not necessarily, but it might - and try and be prepared for this. Anger is my own downfall, as I get such strong impulses to tell him all about himself, I suppose in an effort to get him to feel some of my pain (it's not usually a rational decision - I realize how silly that sounds when I write it out).

 

Keep going, it seems like you're doing great.

[Girlfromcali]

 

 

So glad you felt happiness over this, Girlfromcali. Do realize that your compulsion to contact him might crop again - not necessarily, but it might - and try and be prepared for this. Anger is my own downfall, as I get such strong impulses to tell him all about himself, I suppose in an effort to get him to feel some of my pain (it's not usually a rational decision - I realize how silly that sounds when I write it out).

 

Keep going, it seems like you're doing great.

 

Thank you. I doubt I have any urge to contact him anymore. I kind of lost interest. I don't care what he thinks anymore. I know just a week ago, I felt the same level 1day breakup pain I felt a year ago, but then something just "clicked" and I have nothing anymore.

 

I feel your pain in your posts. I don't know the details about " the big decisions" he's made or anything, but I felt extreme pain from a lot of shocking things my MM told me a year ago. I never thought he could say anything more hurtful than those things, and here I was a year later where even the smallest things would still cause pain.It ended up being this weird battle with myself how much suffering I was going to endure. It felt like it never went away, and eventually every little thing he said started to cause pain too. I felt like one of those people who cut themselves because the pain makes them feel they are alive. I was holding on to the pain because it was the only thing left, and I knew when it's gone, it will be totally over.

Well, I think it's over now. I feel no anger anymore. You know those feelings when someone crosses your mind, but you don't feel anger or joy? That's how I feel.

I know that feeling of wanting him to feel some of the pain you're feeling. You don't want to be the only one suffering because it's so utterly unfair. I was trying to cope with this and it hurt a lot. Then I saw from social media, he had lost a lot of weight and gone into depression. I was thinking to myself, he DOES love me, look, he is suffering. Well, what he was going through was withdrawal for affair fog addiction and it had nothing to do with him caring about me.

They are all the same..they do not care about you. So, now I'm in a point where I find him boring. So, when you asked in your other thread, whether they lose respect for the OW, all I though was, why would I care what he thinks of me? All I care if I myself have respect for myself. I don't hate him or dislike like. He's just like every other MM. I could go to Ashley Madison website and talk to MM's and they would probably be the same. There's no qualitative difference just because you meet someone at work or where ever...Not in IMO anymore.