Coming out of the affair fog... update from lemon 2 years later

[The Aftermath]

I agree and its very frustrating because i for one would love to hear your update. It can be terrifying opening yourself up on here. Obviously, nobody in the OW/OM forum is striving to win any morality awards..people are aware of how wrong this all is.. the point is how damn addictive it is. I think the most helpful thing is to read others' stories and see the full spectrum of their challenges from the highs and the lows -- it shows you how similar we all are.

 

This forum will be pretty boring if its just a 'hey i win the bestest NCer in the world' award competition. Meanwhile all the people who broke NC are secretly dwelling in their shame, afraid to post. They could use some gentle, helpful advice.. but are too raw and hurt to risk being given "tough love" (which is often just triggered anger and judgement in disguise).

 

Force - It's nice to know I am not the only one who feels this way. I am terrified of posting an update not only because of my fear of being judged and slammed here, but also because I really never predicted any of this would happen despite other posters warning me that he might try to come back into my life. It just makes you feel kind of foolish when everyone tells you they saw something coming a mile away and you didn't. I consider myself a fairly educated person, but I guess when it comes to MM there's just no way for me to be objective.

 

Yes Aftermath, please do post an update!! As well as reading everyone else's threads and posts I have found responses to my posts so valuable - especially when I broke NC. I include your own post to me in that statement, when you empathised and sympathised with my FB stalking - it's so helpful to me to know there are people who understand and have been there, and I really appreciated that and valued your comment.

 

I too have noticed there are some people on this forum unfortunately with a certain approach that doesn't sit well with me. I am lucky in that only one of them seems to have taken any interest in my posts. When I see them in other threads, I thought the exact same as forceawakens, that it is just veiled anger, hurt and perhaps even bitterness at their own situations - and if you check their stats, often they are posting in almost every single forum on every single topic....which in a way i feel might be very sad as they might really be struggling in life, and I can't think they are following threads that closely!

 

I try to look past the tone, as sometimes they make salient points under that harsh delivery, but if you can't do that then just ignore them and concentrate on all the wonderful and helpful posters who will offer much much more then just judgement and condemnation, and please post an update and I will today go back and read you backstory if I can so that I am ready for it

 

Pili - Reading your post helped me as well as I felt deeply ashamed for looking at his wife's FB and IG accounts. I knew it was going to hurt me and even though I know it was a farce and that things aren't easy for either of them right now it was still so painful. Like you I found a strange comfort in knowing that I wasn't the only one doing these things. I will work on posting an update on my own thread after this...I am sure I will receive several negative responses on how I haven't taken as much "action" as I could have, but I am trying and just doing the best I can given my current state of mind.

 

@aftermath, force and pili - I agree, getting slammed on LS sucks. Constructive criticism is one thing, but sometimes you just receive someone else's redirected rage and it's no fun. And it leads to people either leaving completely, or editing out parts of their stories, and I count myself in this group. Right now I can post about dating this new guy, but I don't feel I can post as much about xMM because we aren't in NC anymore.

 

Even in terms of the other OW/OM posters, I don't think it's everyone's intent to be "NC police," but sometimes the forum starts to come off that way. I think that once you are on the other side of an affair, you really want to see others break the cycle as well, so you push and push for them to break off their own As in an effort to be helpful. Unfortunately some people aren't there yet. They just aren't. Even I'm not quite "there" right now (although dating the new guy helps a lot!).

 

I think oftentimes what is needed is to hear someone supportive saying, "I've been there and it sucks" rather than trying to fix the problem. It's the basic idea of empathy vs. sympathy.

 

PM'ing other posters can be a good alternative. Unfortunately it deprives others of reading posts that might be helpful to them.

 

Lemondrop - I reached the end of your thread just now DD is sick so I didn't get to take her to Sunday School this morning and I've been up (on and off) all night/morning reading your thread since she kept me up with her tossing & turning. lol It has helped me tremendously reading your journey and I'm so glad that your dates have been going well.

 

PM'ing is a good suggestion although I actually am not familiar with the rules regarding PMs (I think you have to have a minimum # of posts in order to?). Also, I guess I refrained from doing so because a part of me felt like I would be pestering people. Interestingly enough I became very close friends with another female (although we've never met each other) on another relationship forum years ago - when she had just divorced and I was going through the problems (and eventually, separation) from my H. We were supposed to meet up a year ago.

 

I will be following your progress (along with that of others) while I struggle to maintain NC, as much as is possible in my own crappy situation. Sorry to thread jack & I promise after this one it will be the last I comment on my own situation in this thread

 

I do think it's unfortunate if people feel they can't post safely here. I've only been on LS for maybe 6 weeks, and I don't know how long I'll stay, to be honest. In my experience there is a certain moral certitude that erases people's needs to filter or temper their statements. I'm not one to call out and harangue my friends, so I try to be more thoughtful and Socratic if I want to suggest something they might be missing. But I suppose some feel it's OK to skip those formalities on the internet. I don't know.

 

I also think that sometimes people lash out at posters here as proxies for the people who have hurt them in their lives.

 

On the plus side, though, if you can filter out the posts that aren't helpful, there is a variety of perspective here that I haven't seen anywhere else. And really my reason in coming to LS was to try to understand my situation better by understanding people in similar situations. And it has definitely helped with that. I hope I've given back in return. I believe I am gaining closure on the issues I needed to work out and so I will probably move on to being more present in my daily life soon . . . lots of exciting book club books to read, vacations to plan, summer camps to enroll my kids in, etc.

 

Anyway, rambling on here. My point is simply that if you find (some or most of) the advice here helpful, then I hope you will continue to post, and not let those who seem to have other agendas stop you. You could have chosen a place where they encourage each other never to give up and vilify the BWs, but you did not. You are trying to gain a clear picture of where you are and how you've gotten there. That's commendable. So keep on keeping on.

 

Heartwhole - I have read your posts and found them incredibly helpful; if I remember correctly you are posting from the other side of things as a BS? I also questioned whether or not to bother staying here, but because the family and friends I have in real life just don't understand how it feels to be an OW I stayed on LS and just read/posted on others' threads instead of my own. I am going to work on posting an update in my thread and hopefully you will post any thoughts you have on the situation. It's nice to hear from those who have been on the other side of this "love triangle" - ex: Jenkins feedback as the MM and (if I'm not mistaken) your feedback as a BS.

[heartwhole]

Heartwhole - I have read your posts and found them incredibly helpful; if I remember correctly you are posting from the other side of things as a BS? I also questioned whether or not to bother staying here, but because the family and friends I have in real life just don't understand how it feels to be an OW I stayed on LS and just read/posted on others' threads instead of my own. I am going to work on posting an update in my thread and hopefully you will post any thoughts you have on the situation. It's nice to hear from those who have been on the other side of this "love triangle" - ex: Jenkins feedback as the MM and (if I'm not mistaken) your feedback as a BS.

 

Yes, Aftermath, I am a BW. I am about a year out from DD and have come here mainly to work out my feelings about the OW so I can leave her behind in the past. I am in IC and have a lot of emotional support, but this is something I just haven't been able to shake. Like you but from the other side, I have been obsessed with following her social media. So I thought to myself, well, every time I want to check her stuff, I can log onto LS instead. Of course, then I became obsessed with checking LS, haha. But I've done a journaling project that I feel has gotten me to a point where I can close the door on that, and while I did peek at her old posts for my journaling project, I have not checked her new stuff for the last month. So I guess I've finally gone NC as well.

 

The kind and thoughtful responses from OW here have helped humanize her. I just couldn't figure out why she did what she did or thought what she thought, and her seeming obliviousness to it was driving me crazy. But I feel now that I can understand and sympathize with her. Not that I want to be BFFs or anything! But the book Not Just Friends explains that both women need to see each other as complex people, not as flat archetypes. Likewise I need to do the same for my WH, and you for the MM. They are not (usually) pathological abusers or predators. Usually they're just mixed up people who made some bad choices who now have the opportunity to learn from them. All we can do is worry about seizing our own opportunity going forward -- we need to let go of the fact that the other actors in this drama may choose not to grow and not to change.

[Gloria25]

I don't get why some people would miss the drama that they got with the affair. I've seen posters like Burnt, who I guess like me had a lot of unanswered questions and somehow have problems moving on. I guess it's normal for us to have questions and yes, it does take time to move on.

 

The only times I went back into my quasi-EA fog was when I "thought" something was there and/or when in a bad place in my life (i.e. my period, other stresses that I'm dealing with) and got sucked back into the drama. But besides those reasons, heck no do I ever want to be sucked back into that crap.

 

I, coming out if the fog, was like "WTF was I thinking here? That guy and his wife are losers" I don't know, maybe it's cuz I have my eyes on another dude? But then again, I've been meeting guys on/off during the fog and slipped back in.

 

But, one thing I've noticed is each time I've slipped back into the fog, I didn't feel good about myself. I felt worst than before. I felt stupid - not like before when I'd get a bit of euphoria. Maybe the euphoria came cuz I thought there was a chance, but nah, now that I know there's no chance going back into the fog just I guess for me to vent on how angry I am/was - because I felt like I was played, not because I took any "pleasure" in the drama.

 

So, it's beyond me why some people would miss the "fog"...

[MidnightBlue1980]

@aftermath, force and pili - I agree, getting slammed on LS sucks. Constructive criticism is one thing, but sometimes you just receive someone else's redirected rage and it's no fun. And it leads to people either leaving completely, or editing out parts of their stories, and I count myself in this group. Right now I can post about dating this new guy, but I don't feel I can post as much about xMM because we aren't in NC anymore.

 

Even in terms of the other OW/OM posters, I don't think it's everyone's intent to be "NC police," but sometimes the forum starts to come off that way. I think that once you are on the other side of an affair, you really want to see others break the cycle as well, so you push and push for them to break off their own As in an effort to be helpful. Unfortunately some people aren't there yet. They just aren't. Even I'm not quite "there" right now (although dating the new guy helps a lot!).

 

I think oftentimes what is needed is to hear someone supportive saying, "I've been there and it sucks" rather than trying to fix the problem. It's the basic idea of empathy vs. sympathy.

 

PM'ing other posters can be a good alternative. Unfortunately it deprives others of reading posts that might be helpful to them.

 

I agree. I'm not going to give you a whole bunch of advice you already know. I also don't post about myself too much. I get beaten up on a lot of things and I'm not interested in hearing people's viewpoint on my first marriage or bashing me. Lemon, I get you love this guy. I have no answers. I also love xMM even though I could write a novel on why he doesn't love me (though he says he does). I feel for you. In a odd way, I am "lucky" as xMM never once initiated contact.

 

Tonight I went back and read our last text exchanges from Dec, where he said he would leave her to be with me and how much he has fallen for me, was so in love with me, how we just needed to stay where we were see and see how things progressed. That was 12/20. Two days later he never contacted me again. How does a person go 180? I have no answers. I can only assume it was not real for him. Right? When you eliminate the impossible, you only have the truth.

 

I don't judge you for breaking contact. I understand. The reason I finally stopped contacting him was because I felt I had too much to lose. He lied to his wife about me, said I was stalking him and all this crazy stuff. I cannot take the chance he shows her a text from me. She would call my husband. I feel I don't know him or trust him. In an off way I envy you. I would love it if he contacted me with love stuff. I'm sure it would confuse me but at least I would not feel so worthless, disposable.

 

When the time is right, you'll move on. I was in a relationship with a guy who was separated for years and I could not get out. It was worse bc he legitimately was sort of a boyfriend but it was so shady. He was separated but his family did not know about me, his wife....in the end, I literally had to up and quit my job and move to end it. He actually helped me pack the boxes from my apartment. He let me walk and that was after years of a sort of real relationship. At least I didn't go through that this time. But my point is, there is nothing anyone can write here,.when it's time, you will know.

 

Till then, post here and just ignore the naysayers.

[Gloria25]

He lied to his wife about me, said I was stalking him and all this crazy stuff. I cannot take the chance he shows her a text from me. She would call my husband. I feel I don't know him or trust him.

 

Is this ^^ like standard MO for these pieces of garbage?

 

I seriously believe that's what my neighbor told his wife (why I was getting dirty stares weeks ago). Anything to save his scrawny, cowardly behind.

 

Hence, that's why I'm gonna continue staying away from his sick behind...people like that are dangerous.

[Grey Cloud]

@aftermath, force and pili - I agree, getting slammed on LS sucks. Constructive criticism is one thing, but sometimes you just receive someone else's redirected rage and it's no fun. And it leads to people either leaving completely, or editing out parts of their stories, and I count myself in this group. Right now I can post about dating this new guy, but I don't feel I can post as much about xMM because we aren't in NC anymore.

 

Even in terms of the other OW/OM posters, I don't think it's everyone's intent to be "NC police," but sometimes the forum starts to come off that way. I think that once you are on the other side of an affair, you really want to see others break the cycle as well, so you push and push for them to break off their own As in an effort to be helpful. Unfortunately some people aren't there yet. They just aren't. Even I'm not quite "there" right now (although dating the new guy helps a lot!).

 

I think oftentimes what is needed is to hear someone supportive saying, "I've been there and it sucks" rather than trying to fix the problem. It's the basic idea of empathy vs. sympathy.

 

PM'ing other posters can be a good alternative. Unfortunately it deprives others of reading posts that might be helpful to them.

 

Hi Lemon, I agree. I have got to the point where I don't care anymore what people think because 90% of posters are supportive and helpful. If I can be of support to them and vice versa then it makes the journey a bit easier. I wasn't as worried this time to update my thread with the latest "broken NC" story. I figure a lot us are in the same boat and at similar stages of A's ending. And if that what it takes to help me recover (even if it's one step forward then two steps back then so be it!). No one here knows who I am in real life and everyone is hurting in their own way otherwise we wouldn't be here in the first place!

[lemondrop21]

I do think it's unfortunate if people feel they can't post safely here. I've only been on LS for maybe 6 weeks, and I don't know how long I'll stay, to be honest. In my experience there is a certain moral certitude that erases people's needs to filter or temper their statements. I'm not one to call out and harangue my friends, so I try to be more thoughtful and Socratic if I want to suggest something they might be missing. But I suppose some feel it's OK to skip those formalities on the internet. I don't know.

 

I also think that sometimes people lash out at posters here as proxies for the people who have hurt them in their lives.

 

On the plus side, though, if you can filter out the posts that aren't helpful, there is a variety of perspective here that I haven't seen anywhere else. And really my reason in coming to LS was to try to understand my situation better by understanding people in similar situations. And it has definitely helped with that. I hope I've given back in return. I believe I am gaining closure on the issues I needed to work out and so I will probably move on to being more present in my daily life soon . . . lots of exciting book club books to read, vacations to plan, summer camps to enroll my kids in, etc.

 

Anyway, rambling on here. My point is simply that if you find (some or most of) the advice here helpful, then I hope you will continue to post, and not let those who seem to have other agendas stop you. You could have chosen a place where they encourage each other never to give up and vilify the BWs, but you did not. You are trying to gain a clear picture of where you are and how you've gotten there. That's commendable. So keep on keeping on.

 

Hi heartwhole, thanks so much for your support and kind words. I'm very glad to hear that you've found some healing through reading the OW/OM forum. I similarly found that it helped me understand my situation better to read the Infidelity forum, as well as various books on affairs and why they happen.

 

I can imagine why a BS might become obsessed with the OW/OM, although I haven't personally been in that position myself. Obsessions are hard to control, but I do encourage you to move on once you are able to do so, as it's just not worth the time spent dwelling on it. If OW is at all a decent person, she probably just feels deeply sad that she got involved in something that she shouldn't have.

 

Personally, in terms of my xMM's BW, I've grown to admire her more over the course of the A (which in turn increases my level of guilt). MM initially portrayed her in a somewhat unflattering way, and I do think she was going through a rough patch, which he obviously should have tried to help her through instead of starting an A. I told him not to talk to me about BW quite early on, so the information I've picked up on her since then has been sparse. But the bits I have learned have made me see that she is many things that I'm not: an amazing mother, very self-sacrifical, etc. Her husband is extremely conflict-avoidant and difficult to deal with when he's angry and that is in no way her fault. I personally can't imagine having to deal with that for so many years.

 

I would never dare ask for BW's understanding or forgiveness. She doesn't know about the A, but if she did, I would hope that she would realize her WH truly loves her and their family and wants the M to work, and I do believe that with all my heart. I was a symptom of a hole that had opened up in their marriage and the A happened as a result of THAT, not because of any special quality that I possess. She is the mother of his children and has loyally been by his side for years, and there is no way that I could ever "compete" with that... not that I ever wanted to compete! The way he "loves" me is superficial at best. The way he loves her is deep and real.

[heartwhole]

You are very gracious, Lemondrop.

 

It's all been exacerbated by the fact that she pursued him initially (seen the emails) and vowed not to give up on DD. She is mid 30s and childless and told him she thought he was her last chance for a family. Since then her social media posts seem to support a "star-crossed lovers" perspective. I know that it shouldn't and does not matter; it's just been hard to look away from the spectacle of another woman thinking she knows and loves my husband so well. And of course, it's compounded by the knowledge that when he was in the fog, he too thought they were in love. I know it's a distraction from the work of my marriage to worry about this third person. I know logically that she does not owe me any kind of explanation or apology. I also know logically that if she is still single and pining for my husband a year after DD, when they only knew each other 5 months and only spent 2 days together, that it's just sad. But our logical and emotional selves are often at war.

 

Hmmm, your comment about how the wife shouldn't feel like she's in competition has me thinking. Do I feel like we are in a competition? I'm like this weird combination of a highly competitive person and a person who doesn't care much what others think of her (I'm an INTJ). I'm a high achiever and I'm mostly competitive with myself, doing well for its own sake. I don't generally worry about how others perceive me because I assume that people whose opinions I care about will think well of me. Why wouldn't they? I'm a good person who does good things. I guess it's just hard not to care when the OW made it her goal to assume my life and doesn't seem to have given up all this time later. I'm not one to compete for a man; if he's smart, he'll want me and only me. But here he was being dumb and wanting someone else and it's all so confusing.

 

It's just frustrating. I would never knowingly be in a love triangle. In fact, when I met my WH, he told me he was dating someone after we clearly had a connection, and I ran away from him and avoided him for three months even though he broke up with her immediately. No thank you. Not interested. And I'm sure that the fact that I didn't waffle or beg is why he went NC so quickly. From reading here, it's obvious how often MM keep ping-ponging between the two women. I think it's natural for a woman to want to keep the man as an option and to not be the one who is dumped. Look at how every single woman on The Bachelor thinks he's the one for her. If she went on a blind date with him outside of the show, I'm sure 9 times out of 10 there'd be no attraction.

 

I am totally embarrassed by the obsessive checking, for sure. Warning everyone . . . don't be like me! I just have to accept that her journey is her own. She made bad choices that were hurtful, but so did my WH, so do people all over the world every day. Strangely, my very first reaction on DD was concern for her and wondering how WH could be such a dick to her. I said, "That's so selfish! You don't do that to people!" And I felt he owed her an apology. The anger I felt towards her came later, and honestly, I think it was because of her continued posting. If she had posted, "Oh God, I'm so embarrassed, lesson learned," I think I'd have let it go. And again, it was at 3 months after DD when she tried to break NC that I started checking her stuff in earnest. Not that any of this is a good excuse. I just think my initial instincts were correct (feel compassion for her, focus on marriage, move on), but I've gotten distracted by her broadcasting her feelings on Twitter of all places with no apparent clue how ridiculous it is and her refusal to let go. And as I become more secure in my marriage and less worried about WH ever caring about another woman, it's easier to let go.

 

I have always had her blocked on FB and Twitter (though you can still peek on Twitter when you block someone, which is what I would do) and my stuff is and always has been locked down. (Though, weirdly, twice WH and I have gotten FB friend requests from obviously fake profiles, and the 'friends in common' were always people who know the OW, who lives in an entirely different country and with whom we have like 5 friends in common total. So either it's a weird coincidence or she has been going to great lengths trying to access our profiles.) Finally, though, I'm getting to a point where I don't care what she's up to today. I copied and pasted all her "star-crossed lover" stuff into a Word document and wrote out all my thoughts about it (just for my own healing), so if I feel the need to ruminate about it, I can access those words without revisiting her actual pages. That seems to have helped.

 

I've also asked myself, what if her posts DID change? What if she got a boyfriend? What if she posted an apology? Would that change anything for me? And the answer is, no. It is what it is. Her relationship status is not the reason we are or aren't married. Would I appreciate if she said she was sorry? At this point, after all the Romeo and Juliet stuff, yes. I am a real person who has to read this crap on the internet. But as for the relationship itself? That's on my WH.

 

My family went to a funeral without me this weekend so I have had lots of time to ruminate and write and think. I'm so sorry to dump all this on your thread about your own story, but I really appreciate your perspective and want to encourage you in your journey.

[Dylon]

Lemondrop, don't stop posting if it helps you. You seem to be a very level-headed person who analyze and see things quite clearly. I'm quite impressed really. It shows that affair can happen to anyone.

Edited April 5, 2016 by Dylon

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

My family went to a funeral without me this weekend so I have had lots of time to ruminate and write and think. I'm so sorry to dump all this on your thread about your own story, but I really appreciate your perspective and want to encourage you in your journey.

 

I am both a BS and a WS but since you are here to understand the OW perspective, I will say that in my situation, xMM put all the blame at his W feet. They are roommates only and he used that to get sympathy from me, saying she was not interested in him anymore. It had been years since he had had sex. Only months later did I learn he was pretending he had ED to avoid sex with her, for years now. He said he married the wrong person but he was not going to start over and give her half his money. He would take calls from her with me sitting there - on speaker phone - and he was cold to her. I knew that one day it would be me on the receiving end of that coldness - and it was.

 

What did it for me near the end was his birthday. I was still half convinced she did not love him and all the stuff he said and she posted on his FB this message about loving him, being a great dad and so on. Worse, a random woman posted happy birthday and I love you. He said he loved her back. I found the two incidents so odd, I cut and pasted his wife's post and texted it to him, and said that she loves you. Yes, I know FB, but I really think she loves him, and I started to feel bad about my role in all this. I didn't know what was going on. I needed to figure out my own life - my husband was aware of all this by this time, so I said, are you staying or going? He wanted both of us. He thought it was perfect, we are each married and we have our relationship on the side, like a butterfly he said. He said we can have this, let it develop and leave them in 10 years.

 

I said no, you can't have both, that is so wrong to everyone. So I ended it. 2 days later xMM told his wife but it was all lies about me. She called my H, who knew everything and he told her the truth, I was not a stalker, it was a real relationship, mutual. She didn't believe my husband, xMM is very good. Its for the best really. Maybe she doesn't want to know.

 

That was 3 months ago and I still see him. It was unbelievable pain, I wanted to die but my husband helped me through it. He blamed himself. I've gotten a lot better. Not once did anything happen though xMM says he still loves me and they are still just roommates. This was confirmed by his wife to my husband. I've learned to just let go and I'm trying to move on. Somehow I got all mixed up in someone else's marriage and it almost destroyed me. He said he loved me a million times but you don't destroy that which you love.

[Dylon]

Lemondrop, As for your comment few pages back about back and forth with the whole NC and breakup deal, losing count, on and off.....Yeap. It was all that on my last year with the xAP.

 

As for the dating. As long as you are well, don't worry too much about anything else at the moment. Take care of yourself and don't think too much about it. Yes, I don't see that he meets your fitness standard but enjoy. As long as it occupies "good time", let it flow. Keep posting and don't worry about the backlash from few members.

[Dylon]

MidnightBlue,

 

I haven't read all your posts but the few I read today didn't leave me with any good impression of this guy. Let's leave the spouse in 10 years? What kind of delusional plan is that? I think your analysis is correct. He seems quite immature.

 

On the other hand, I'm so impress with your husband. I really hope you can find a way to reinvent your marriage so the needs are met. About the sex drives, sometimes if a man feels better about himself, it will go up. Make him feel sexy and wanted again. It will help. Exercise with him. People tends to feel better about themselves and sex drives goes up if they exercise and see improvements. I'm sorry if I missed your other posts.

[MidnightBlue1980]

MidnightBlue,

 

I haven't read all your posts but the few I read today didn't leave me with any good impression of this guy. Let's leave the spouse in 10 years? What kind of delusional plan is that? I think your analysis is correct. He seems quite immature.

 

On the other hand, I'm so impress with your husband. I really hope you can find a way to reinvent your marriage so the needs are met. About the sex drives, sometimes if a man feels better about himself, it will go up. Make him feel sexy and wanted again. It will help. Exercise with him. People tends to feel better about themselves and sex drives goes up if they exercise and see improvements. I'm sorry if I missed your other posts.

 

Hi Dylon,

 

My H has been reinventing our marriage. The sex issues were actually between xMM and his wife, he has a bad case of ED for a variety of reasons. For myself and H, it was all kinds of other things. We didn't have a lot of sex, due to the tpyical reasons, drifting apart, kids, work, etc. We were getting to the roommates stage, nothing like xMM who was celibate, but H and I did not have much of a relationship. He stayed home with the kids and I worked. Since D day though, he has changed. He went to school and now works with me, which is huge. We are building a business together. Things are better.

 

As for xMM, I don't know. He is not a great guy and there is nothing there. He definitely wanted a relationship with me but on his terms. I did not want a relationship on the side of my marriage. He said I needed to get better at compartmentalizing. I said choose and he said, we have to do this, it makes sense and I took vows, which is funny. I guess vows don't include not having sex with other women. So I ended it. My husband knows everything because I felt he deserved the facts - I kept saying he should leave but he said stop, so finally I stopped. xMM wife doesn't know most of it but that is his business. xMM lives in a web of his lies. I admit sometimes I think.....what if. I could have (as he said) kept my mouth shut and not told my husband. I could have had both. Would I have been happier? Probably not.

 

I still see him and he wants to be friends....but I don't. I have a lot of guy friends. He is not a friend. My guy friends care about me. He does not. I don't really know what he wants but its actually irrelevant as I'm trying hard to move on and just forget.

 

I admit it is hard. But I try.

[heartwhole]

I said no, you can't have both, that is so wrong to everyone. So I ended it. 2 days later xMM told his wife but it was all lies about me. She called my H, who knew everything and he told her the truth, I was not a stalker, it was a real relationship, mutual. She didn't believe my husband, xMM is very good. Its for the best really. Maybe she doesn't want to know.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. My WH also tried to minimize his involvement with the OW. He didn't call her crazy, but by his telling, SHE was the one with the feelings, SHE was the one who wanted the relationship. Well, then why didn't you run away from the psycho? I'm a very logical person so I saw through that right away. Too bad your xMM's wife chooses to believe his lies. Likewise, while my WH was proud of the fact that he didn't technically future-fake her with words, all his actions said, "Yes, I want to be with you." If you speak in hypotheticals about how great it would be to be together with a woman who's in love with you and you send her a thousand puppy-dog-eyes selfies and you fly her across the world to be with you, then she's going to hope it's going to happen.

 

The one thing I'll say is that at least she wouldn't be trying to get my husband's attention via Twitter or creating fake FB profiles if it weren't truly over on his end. So I just need to focus on that and move on.

[lemondrop21]

I have a few of you I'd like to respond to, especially heart whole's post above, but right now I'm having a moment and I just need to blast it out to the world and get it out of my system.

 

So basically, I have been looking a lot at the Myers-Briggs personality test these past few days and how it relates to my future career choices. All very positive, me-focused stuff. But I made the HUGE mistake of starting to read about xMM's personality type. He hasn't taken the test but I am 95% positive he is ENFP. The description fits like a glove, and none of the other descriptions seem right at all.

 

THEN, I ended up on some discussion forum where they're talking about compatibility between personality types, and someone is going on about how ENFP and INFJ (my type) is an INCREDIBLY good match. So then I put ENFP + INFJ into google and yep, you'll find this mentioned a number of places.

 

Sigh. I don't believe in soul maters whatsoever (thank god, or I'd probably be struggling more than I already am with this stupid A). But it hurts to see things about xMM and I being compatible beyond the "affair fog" high. I already had a strong sense that was the case... but when you read story after story on LS about "affair fog" you can start to believe that's all it is, and that you're completely delusional.

 

Nope, in my case, xMM and I could have been a really good match even once the "in love" period ended. Except that he is married and it never should have happened, and for the umpteen millionth time I want to grab him and shake him and ask him WHY he didn't just leave me alone??

 

For the record, w could be a very good match for him as well - I of course wouldn't know enough about her to make a guess as to her personality type. A little gem of information I found about ENFPs like xMM is that they are constantly wanting to try new things and imagine new future possibilities for themselves, and so they can have an especially tough time staying in monogamous relationships when things get stale. Snort. This didn't make me pity xMM by any means, just made me feel bad for w yet again... after 3 kids and 15 years of marriage you can't always be keeping things crazy exciting, I imagine.

 

If I try and put a positive spin on it, I think, okay, I can keep in mind the qualities in xMM that make us compatible, and look for those qualities in a single guy. That's not so bad. I learned from the experience! But then a few minutes later, my heart sinks again. Because the situation is still messy, still sucky, still unfair to everyone involved, and I know there's still a long road ahead of me. I miss him right now. I miss the spark that jumps between us when we're in the same room. I genuinely hope he's having fun with his family though and that I'll find that spark soon with someone else.

 

No backlash please, I just needed to vent. I am trying to make positive changes in my life and yada yada.

Edited April 5, 2016 by lemondrop21

[heartwhole]

Oh girlfriend, I get you. As I've mentioned, I'm an INTJ. I have always been attracted to ENFPs . . . tall, dark, handsome ENFPs.

 

But the good news is that ENFP is one of the most common types. You and I are more rare. I met my husband before internet dating, but I know eHarmony uses personality type to match people up, so I've always thought to myself, "If I'm ever single, I'll just go on eHarmony and find myself another ENFP."

 

And actually, you mention that both you and MM are Fs. From my understanding of compatibility, I thought the general rule was to be opposites in every category except for the second one, sensing or intuition. You know, opposites attract. You need one person to be an F and think with their heart, and one person to be a T and think with their head. Of course, you said you're reading all this stuff about match-ups so maybe I'm wrong, but that's what I remember from when I used to teach about this.

 

I've actually thought to myself about how WH and OW would be such a terrible match because she appears to be an E and a F (and I'm guessing P). I have no way to know sensing or intuition. So basically they are very similar which works well in friendships but not romantic partnerships.

 

So anyway, I'm checking this out, and ENFPs are 11% of the population. INFJs are 6%. So you've got pretty good odds going forward. If you felt like your personality combination worked, you can take that with you as you look for a relationship with an ENFP who's an honest, available guy.

 

And maybe this gives you some peace that you didn't just get with MM because you wanted what you couldn't have. Maybe you found something you hadn't found before. I've always believed there are a lot of people (that is, tall, dark ENFP people) that I could fall in love with. That was my type when I was 15 and it's still my type today. WH and my high school sweetheart are cut from the same mold. What that taught me is that even if you're picky, there's more than one person who can tick all your boxes.

 

And yes, my WH has an incredibly hard time with consistency and constantly craves new experiences. I remember a family friend telling me once that I was the only thing WH had stuck with in his life. I've always understood this about him, and it's why I have tried to support his constant need to invest in new businesses, join new groups, make new friends, etc. It absolutely makes sense that the newness of the affair was an appeal.

 

I'm sorry this has hit you so much today. Maybe you had spent so much energy trying to dismiss the whole thing as fake that it took you by surprise that there could be something deeper to your connection.

[rainbowsandkittens]

So interesting! My exAP is an INFJ (or INTJ, he says he got both at different times). I am an ESFJ. We do not match AT ALL. But he kept trying to tell me I was wrong. No matter what I said about us not matching- either with this or other things- he always convinced me that we did or at least complimented each other. I totally bought it.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting now, Lemondrop. But you know that this too shall pass. When is your next date with the friend?

[lemondrop21]

Interesting discussion!

 

Rainbows - funny you are an ESFJ and that you asked about the new guy. New Guy is ISFJ, one letter off from you and also one letter off from me (INFJ). New guy and I had a good discussion about Myers-Briggs some time ago. Here's the thing though... I think that S/N difference might very well ruin it. Heart mentioned that it's important that the second letter matches (S/N). Not sure if that's always the case but I can see where there could be issues between me and New Guy. The S makes him much more of a traditionalist and also very rigid when it comes to commitments and plans. So that thought was also getting me down a bit today. I'll likely see him at least once more, possibly on Thursday and then I leave for my trip on Friday.

 

Heartwhole, thank you so much for your heartfelt recent two posts. Both meant quite a lot to me. I am glad you get the ENFP thing From what I found, either INFJ or INTJ can be good matches for ENFP... For each personality type, there are several that are considered most ideal, and then maybe four or five other types that are quite good and "workable" matches. And it depends where you read, too. Not an exact science by any means! You are right that I've never been with an ENFP before, so this dynamic was new and exciting for me and is something I can note for the future. You're lucky you found an ENFP when you were 15:D. Anyway, reading about your two personality types makes me feel quite confident that you and WH will continue to work things out and improve your marriage - I think since you had that "spark" in the past, it's something you can revive, at least to the extent that is possible having been married for some time. There are some who are trying to rebuild marriages where they never felt that "spark" of intense compatibility, and that seems a lot harder (although still doable from what I hear).

 

Your WH's xOW sounds like she has gone off the deep end a bit and I'm very sorry that she's behaving in such a way online (and if I was in your shoes, I probably couldn't resist reading it either). I assume she doesn't mention WH's name in her posts/tweets, but nonetheless I'm surprised that she posts broken-hearted type stuff - I wonder who her friends think she is pining for. Or, does everyone in her life know about the A? Does she have that little shame?

 

She must know you're reading it, too, and it may partly be a way to aggravate you. That is such odd behavior. If xMM's w found out, I would be beyond humiliated and would never, ever think of posting anything to social media about it. I know you are trying to understand OW in some ways, but I really can't explain this one's actions.

 

I will say she must be inadvertently doing a great job of pushing your WH away from her and back towards you, seeing as she is making such a fool of herself!

 

Hang in there and hope you are having a good day.

Edited April 5, 2016 by lemondrop21

[heartwhole]

Interesting discussion!

 

Rainbows - funny you are an ESFJ and that you asked about the new guy. New Guy is ISFJ, one letter off from you and also one letter off from me (INFJ). New guy and I had a good discussion about Myers-Briggs some time ago. Here's the thing though... I think that S/N difference might very well ruin it. Heart mentioned that it's important that the second letter matches (S/N). Not sure if that's always the case but I can see where there could be issues between me and New Guy. The S makes him much more of a traditionalist and also very rigid when it comes to commitments and plans. So that thought was also getting me down a bit today. I'll likely see him at least once more, possibly on Thursday and then I leave for my trip on Friday.

 

Heartwhole, thank you so much for your heartfelt recent two posts. Both meant quite a lot to me. I am glad you get the ENFP thing From what I found, either INFJ or INTJ can be good matches for ENFP... For each personality type, there are several that are considered most ideal, and then maybe four or five other types that are quite good and "workable" matches. And it depends where you read, too. Not an exact science by any means! You are right that I've never been with an ENFP before, so this dynamic was new and exciting for me and is something I can note for the future. You're lucky you found an ENFP when you were 15:D. Anyway, reading about your two personality types makes me feel quite confident that you and WH will continue to work things out and improve your marriage - I think since you had that "spark" in the past, it's something you can revive, at least to the extent that is possible having been married for some time. There are some who are trying to rebuild marriages where they never felt that "spark" of intense compatibility, and that seems a lot harder (although still doable from what I hear).

 

Your WH's xOW sounds like she has gone off the deep end a bit and I'm very sorry that she's behaving in such a way online (and if I was in your shoes, I probably couldn't resist reading it either). I assume she doesn't mention WH's name in her posts/tweets, but nonetheless I'm surprised that she posts broken-hearted type stuff - I wonder who her friends think she is pining for. Or, does everyone in her life know about the A? Does she have that little shame?

 

She must know you're reading it, too, and it may partly be a way to aggravate you. That is such odd behavior. If xMM's w found out, I would be beyond humiliated and would never, ever think of posting anything to social media about it. I know you are trying to understand OW in some ways, but I really can't explain this one's actions.

 

I will say she must be inadvertently doing a great job of pushing your WH away from her and back towards you, seeing as she is making such a fool of herself!

 

Hang in there and hope you are having a good day.

 

After I posted I looked it up and saw that the perfect match for an ENFP is supposedly either an INTJ or an INFJ. So we are both right.

 

As far as I know, the mutual friends who introduced WH and OW think the affair was only an EA. A week after DD when the fog was clearing and we were getting things sorted, WH texted the friends to say he couldn't have contact with OW any more "out of respect for Heartwhole" (they had all done a group text). And they replied, well, they were kind of surprised, and kind of not, and of course they would respect that. The next time they saw OW, she sobbed about how heartbroken she was and they were all like, OMG . . . I noticed that after several of her obvious Tweets (though you're right she never mentioned him by name), they stopped following her on Twitter. And the one other female in the group used to post photos of her with OW, and doesn't any more, and they don't like each other's photos on IG any more (yes, sadly, I am so obsessed that I have noted all of these things). It's possible that eventually they have found out that it was a PA, but I'm not sure it really matters. They seem to have "chosen" us over her.

 

But as for her friends, again, from my internet stalking, I think they are supportive. One friend posted a photo to her wall that said, "In case of love at first sight, break glass" (the picture was of a rose behind glass like you'd have in front of a fire extinguisher), and another friend posted fake FB updates pretending they were together when OW was in fact in another country with my WH. So I guess those are the kind of stellar people she associates herself with. I've mentioned before that WH confided his conflicted feelings in a few friends, all of whom were horrified and encouraged him to slow down with the OW and recommit to his marriage. A tale of two types of friends.

[heartwhole]

As for couples who are ill-matched from the start, they must be out there, yes. Our best couple friends were both in long-term relationships that were meh before they met each other, and in each case the woman wanted marriage and the man didn't. Luckily both of those relationships ended, and then they met each other, and the heavens opened and confetti fell from the sky and they just KNEW. But if they had married those original partners, I suppose it could be what you are describing.

 

It's just hard for me to figure this out being the decisive person that I am. How can you not know? My cousin dated this guy for 7 years and she kept asking, "How do I know if he's the one?" and waffling and going to counseling, etc. My mom said, "Well, you know he's the one because you've been with him for 7 years and you haven't gotten sick of him." Haha. But I said, "If you have to ask the question, then he's not the one." Well, they're married now, so hopefully I'm wrong.

 

I think a successful relationship takes sexual chemistry and attraction, emotional compatibility, shared values, shared goals, and shared interests. If you don't have these things from the beginning, don't expect them to change. But even if you do have these things, you must be proactive in feeding and supporting your relationship. Good communication, good boundaries, those are key. This whole experience has been very humbling. I kid you not, the day before DD I was telling this acquaintance who is a therapist that I didn't understand how people needed couples counseling because it's not that hard. Cringe.

 

I realized in some ways that we were distant, but I just never thought it could be that bad. Yes, for years and years he used to call me during the day from work just to chat. On every business trip he would call and text how he couldn't sleep without me and was miserable on his own. He was always affectionate and sweet and did things like surprising me with diamond earrings on the 10th anniversary of the day we met. He always told me I was his best friend. But I'm just very internally focused, and while I appreciated these things, I didn't really notice when he started to do them less. Eventually, when the affair was full-on, I did, but obviously I wish I had earlier.

 

I just assumed we were "us" and nothing would change that. We still had sex regularly, and during the affair I'm sure we had more dates and getaways than usual (I think he was overcompensating for his guilt). So while things were a little different I simply thought that's what happens when you've been married 10 years and you're focused on the kids, etc. But I should have realized it. We had been together long enough (dated six years before getting married) and had been so connected for most of our marriage, that I should have noticed more. I don't know how much it's fair for me to blame medication, but I was taking an SSRI that really blunted my feelings and affected my libido. When I realized how distant we were, I started weaning off it. I was down to below the therapeutic dose on DD (I'm one of those people who had bad withdrawals from it). I took a month break at that point while I sat like a zombie and lost 10 pounds in two weeks, and then I continued on with the weaning. I do think part of it was that I simply couldn't connect or feel while I was on it. Not that that's an excuse, but it's part of how we got into this mess.

Edited April 5, 2016 by heartwhole

[lemondrop21]

I'm sorry this has hit you so much today. Maybe you had spent so much energy trying to dismiss the whole thing as fake that it took you by surprise that there could be something deeper to your connection.

 

Yes, it's exactly this that's been hard these past couple days ^^.

 

But as for her friends, again, from my internet stalking, I think they are supportive. One friend posted a photo to her wall that said, "In case of love at first sight, break glass" (the picture was of a rose behind glass like you'd have in front of a fire extinguisher), and another friend posted fake FB updates pretending they were together when OW was in fact in another country with my WH. So I guess those are the kind of stellar people she associates herself with. I've mentioned before that WH confided his conflicted feelings in a few friends, all of whom were horrified and encouraged him to slow down with the OW and recommit to his marriage. A tale of two types of friends.

 

That's very bizarre behavior on the part of her friends. In my experience, women generally are not supportive of one another's affairs, and some even go so far as to say that you shouldn't have an affair because "women should stick up for each other" (not sure I'm quite that extreme but I see where the sentiment comes from). I have two friends in my community who know about the A. One had already been in an EA for over 6 months before my A started. I try to keep her grounded and encourage her to maintain her own, very separate life from her MM, and neither of us have ever condoned one another's behavior. We see the toll it's taken on the other, and in each other we see ourselves, and so we just try to take care of one another as best we can. Neither of us take the situation lightly, not in the slightest.

 

The other friend I confided in has a huge secret as well - not an A, but something that could ruin her life here if word got out. I knew that at minimum, if I confided in her she would keep the secret. But she's grown frustrated with me, understandably, so I've stopped burdening her with the info.

 

Anyway... I cannot imagine asking my friends to post things on social media in order to cover up a trip with MM. I wouldn't want friends to have to lie for me, how awkward and strange. That would mean that I assume they condone this behavior. I can't understand your MM's xOW's friends at all.

 

Luckily both of those relationships ended, and then they met each other, and the heavens opened and confetti fell from the sky and they just KNEW.

...

This whole experience has been very humbling. I kid you not, the day before DD I was telling this acquaintance who is a therapist that I didn't understand how people needed couples counseling because it's not that hard. Cringe.

...

I just assumed we were "us" and nothing would change that. We still had sex regularly, and during the affair I'm sure we had more dates and getaways than usual (I think he was overcompensating for his guilt)

....

I don't know how much it's fair for me to blame medication, but I was taking an SSRI that really blunted my feelings and affected my libido.

Wholeheart, this post was so touching and made me very sad. But also hopeful for your marriage.

 

Regarding the "knowing" someone is right - this has only ended in disaster for me so far. But I think it's a two-part thing. First there is that chemistry, the falling in love stage, "limerence" as some call it, where you feel like you "know." This can be completely misguided. Why do our brains do this to us? When the people actually ARE a good match, then it develops into a different, longer-lasting love. I haven't had that happen yet, but I'm optimistic that it will someday. You're very lucky you felt that with your husband. Assuming he felt that with you too, I think you two will be just fine.

 

On a side note, one book that helped me was "When Good People Have Affairs." A warning that it's neutral, not pro-reconciliation, and it's actually meant for the WS. But what it does really well, I think, is to categorize the different types of As and the reasons behind them. Then it puts those types into two broad categories: a)Affairs where you should most likely stay with your spouse, and b)Affairs where it's unclear, and you should more closely examine both relationships. I would bet money that if you identified your WH's type of A, it would be one of the types where "you should probably stay with your spouse." People with that much compatibility at the beginning of their marriage tend to cheat for really dumb reasons, due to some temporary situation in the marriage (or within themselves) that is easily fixable. Of course I don't really know you or your h and I'm no therapist... but it would be nice if all the hours I've put into reading about affairs could come to SOME sort of good use.

 

Regarding your dates and getaways increasing during the A... I think it's a good sign he was doing this. It's a good sign that he felt guilty. He always intended to keep you as his leading lady (but should not have gotten another involved of course).

 

Regarding SSRIs, be kind to yourself. You were getting treatment for depression or anxiety, which likely would have made your marriage worse than if you hadn't been on the meds. You were doing the best you could. His decision to cheat was on him.

Edited April 6, 2016 by lemondrop21

[heartwhole]

LD, thank you for the book recommendation. It does sound very interesting -- has it helped you understand your situation better? Where do you think xMM falls? I know my husband was genuinely conflicted by his feelings for the OW, so it might be hard for me to read something that takes me back to that time. I think he was genuinely surprised that no one was encouraging of him being with the OW. At least he had enough sense to realize that they were trustworthy people and he should probably take their advice. He still didn't have the motivation to end the affair until DD, but at least he admitted to it (as an EA at least) as soon as I asked why this woman was FaceTiming him.

 

I think with our similar personalities, you and I are probably similar in the kinds of friends we have too. Most would differ only one or two letters from me on the Myers Briggs test, I'm sure. A lot have higher degrees, spend time on social justice, etc. They don't watch Bravo or Tweet self-help memes or figure out how to do their makeup better on YouTube. So, yeah, none of my friends would be all, "Oh, you go girl!" if I wanted to have an affair. But surely a lot of women do these things, and who am I to stay which of us are the "normal" ones? IDK.

 

WH told me that OW's brother moved to a foreign country and met a separated mother, and now they're married and raising her kids as well as their own. So WH thought OW figured this could be a repetition of that story. I don't know how you could believe you know someone you've spent 48 hours with well enough to move halfway across the world for them, but I understand the powerful motivator of simply wanting it to be your choice, your option, and you'll worry about whether or not you really want it once it's on the table. And hey, the fantasy of marrying a rich man in a first world country when you come from a less stable country must seem pretty sweet, and worth the inconvenience of him already being married. I guess? All I can do is guess.

 

Over the last few days I have felt a weight lifted, and I thank LS and everyone who has read my rambling posts and commented for that. I felt like I was dragging around the specter of OW with me, and like there were still 3 people in my marriage, and I've truly gotten to a point where I don't care whether or not she can see our latest happy FB photo or what she's doing or if she's still thinking she's Juliet to his Romeo. And partly that's just time. A year ago he was all hung up on her and I was like, "But this is crazy! You don't really know each other!" Now that a year has passed, his views align with mine, and I don't have to feel like I'm the voice of reason in a crazy situation any longer.

 

I was thinking more on the personality type matchup when it comes to showing affection. WH really needs a lot of affirmation and connection, and of course I like those things, but I am also content to carry on merrily without saying them out loud because I figure we both just assume the other feels love and appreciation. If we were both Fs, perhaps this would not be an issue (though then neither of us would ever deal with conflict head-on, I fear). When I was on the SSRI and my feelings were so flat (it was for my health condition that causes my body not to respond right to gravity . . . for some reason that's not well understood they help with that), he just internalized the idea that I didn't care about him. Which obviously wasn't true . . . I just couldn't care, full stop. I wonder if the fact that I using it off-label for something not-psychological meant I was more susceptible to emotional blunting. But anyway I can see why he felt that way. I'm already not expressive with feelings and then I stopped having them at all. So perhaps that is why they say that matching up on the F or the T is also a recipe for relationship success.

 

Speaking of book recommendations, around that time I read Moody B*tches by Dr. Julie Holland, which talks about all the things that affect our moods. There's a good section about the role initial attraction plays in lifelong mating and bonding that you might find interesting. It might give you something to think about with the new guy you're dating.

[lemondrop21]

Ten characters

Edited April 6, 2016 by lemondrop21
Decided to send a PM instead.

[lemondrop21]

I had something happen today which wasn't maybe quite a panic attack - I've had two of those before in my life so I can recognize it - but it was close. Heart rate jacked up, overwhelming anxiety, can't sit still, mind racing a million miles a minute.

 

I originally thought that I had 2 weeks free of MM drama, but I had found out that he was coming in to work this afternoon, apparently the family got back from vacation early this morning. I thought I was mentally prepared, was gonna just have a brief conversation with him and keep it light so I could leave on my own vacation in peace (I leave tomorrow). I had agreed on this with my therapist. Was focused mainly on seeing New Guy tonight.

 

Apparently I was not prepared. When he got into the office, my mind strung together a few meaningless "clues" and decided that he was avoiding me, and my mind was immediately whisked back to times in the past when he ended things, and I went temporarily insane.

 

As I said earlier, heart rate jacked, racing around, about to burst into tears, was all I could do to keep myself from stopping by his office to force him not to ignore me. So I went home. Took some meds I have left over from a surgery a long time ago that I kept in case such occasions arose (self medicating = bad, I know I know, but keep in mind I live in a backwards developing country where you can't get things easily).Until the meds kicked in I went around my bedroom literally hurling clothes into my suitcase because I'm not packed yet for my vacation. It was like I was on some kind of an anxiety-induced rampage.

 

After 15 minutes or so, meds kicked in and I went back to work. Then of course, xMM talked to me. Before he left, we had had all these dumb dramatic conversations that never really went anywhere, and neither of us wanted to really address that stuff today. I got to hear some anecdotes about his family vacation that I didn't really want to hear, but I was polite and casual. Whatever.

 

So the conversation itself was nothing, but I am very upset this evening. The fact that this man could trigger such a response in me... it makes me sad and frustrated. It was all in my own head too, he wasn't actually ignoring me or cutting off, but I think this is what happens when you get so conditioned to the affair roller coaster.This shows me that, not only am I going to need to be the one to firmly go back to complete NC, I might need to leave the community. Because frankly, even in NC I can imagine this sort of thing happening, like if I see him flirting with someone else at work. Or on the occasions when I see him with w and kids. I can't let myself stay in a place where I could get such bad anxiety at any moment.

 

Fantastic. I am now looking forward to a job search that would necessitate relocation, on top of my super time consuming online course which I absolutely CANNOT drop again, on top of the fact that I'm supposed to be happy and going on vacation tomorrow. I had hoped I would be done with xMM drama by the time I got to this vacation. Looks like I'm not.

I wish I had never met him.

[heartwhole]

Lemondrop, I hope you have a relaxing trip and are able to take a break from all of this.

 

I asked about post-traumatic reactions over in the infidelity forum, and a lot of people mentioned EMDR therapy. That may be something to look into if your symptoms don't ease up with time. I'm sure your therapist will have some ideas too.

 

The fear of not knowing when your body will fail you can be very debilitating, but there are things you can do to prepare and handle these types of reactions. It sounds like you handled it well by leaving, getting out your anxious energy, and taking something to calm down. Hopefully your therapist can give you insight on how you can tweak this should another reaction happen in the future.

 

Enjoy your trip!!! I hope it's a mental break for you as much as anything!