For those WS, did your affair change your feelings for your spouse?

[AlwaysGrowing]

Alcoholism is not a consequence of an issue, it is a poor coping mechanism.

 

I disagree with your blanket statement that his cheating was caused by something lacking in his marriage. His cheating...much like his drinking is solely attributed to something lacking in him. Healthy coping skills, self evaluation, self monitoring, accountability, etc.

 

Enabling could simply mean that his wife accepted less from him with no consequences...which allowed him to continue his unhealthy ways to cope with any issues...perceived or otherwise.

 

And drinking most certainly becomes a problem....a pretty big one in fact....all on its own. Often, people require specialized care to assist them....most have to go to detox..as their bodies go through withdrawal symptoms.

[minimariah]

Alcoholism is not a consequence of an issue, it is a poor coping mechanism.

 

it comes as a consequence of not knowing how to cope with deeper issues. no one becomes addicted to... pretty much anything, just out of the blue. his drinking was caused by something and instead of recognizing the entire tornado of problems hiding behind that alcoholism -- his W saw his alcoholism as just a minor problem that needs to be gone.

 

and that repeats once again because according to his posts -- she refuses to even listen to his explanations & all of the WHYs when it comes to the A.

 

I disagree with your blanket statement that his cheating was caused by something lacking in his marriage. His cheating...much like his drinking is solely attributed to something lacking in him.

 

it's not a blanket statement because i was speaking ONLY of this man's situation -- i never said that his affair was caused SOLELY by something lacking in his marriage... but something IS lacking in his marriage and that's just undeniable.

 

in his case -- cheating IS his personal problem and is attributed to something lacking in him but it is also a problem of his marriage and is attributed to all of those problems that just kept growing and growing throughout the entire relationship... which eventually allowed him to connect with another woman. so his A is, at least on my opinion, also a symptom of all those problems that existed in his M from the beginning.

 

Enabling could simply mean that his wife accepted less from him with no consequences...which allowed him to continue his unhealthy ways to cope with any issues...perceived or otherwise.

 

i agree -- she basically never acknowledged the problems in the M & continues to dodge her own responsibility for the bad state of the marriage... and she IS responsible, too.

 

And drinking most certainly becomes a problem....a pretty big one in fact....all on its own. Often, people require specialized care to assist them....most have to go to detox..as their bodies go through withdrawal symptoms.

 

of course it does - it is an addiction & a disease. it needs to be treated and only the OP knows why it wasn't taken seriously... by both him and his W (which again leads us to a passive OP & his drinking problem and his W - the enabler).

Edited June 25, 2015 by minimariah

[shermanator]

Alcoholism is not a consequence of an issue, it is a poor coping mechanism.

 

I disagree with your blanket statement that his cheating was caused by something lacking in his marriage. His cheating...much like his drinking is solely attributed to something lacking in him. Healthy coping skills, self evaluation, self monitoring, accountability, etc.

 

Enabling could simply mean that his wife accepted less from him with no consequences...which allowed him to continue his unhealthy ways to cope with any issues...perceived or otherwise.

 

And drinking most certainly becomes a problem....a pretty big one in fact....all on its own. Often, people require specialized care to assist them....most have to go to detox..as their bodies go through withdrawal symptoms.

 

My drinking was how I dealt with avoiding conflict... our M was lacking any emotional intimacy, which was due, in part, to my drinking.

 

The OW was nice to me and made me feel good about myself - two pretty basic things that I wasn't getting at home.

 

Detox and physical withdrawal were never part of the equation. I drank too much, but it wasn't 24/7 or anything like that.

[truncated]

Was a liar and a cheat. Not are.

 

I pretty much agree with you. I think she's too good for me... She's loyal, has good morals, etc. Sure, she's a total wet blanket sometimes, but I know I've contributed to some of that.

 

 

Sounds like you've broken her spirit.

[truncated]

Alcoholism is not a consequence of an issue, it is a poor coping mechanism.

 

I disagree with your blanket statement that his cheating was caused by something lacking in his marriage. His cheating...much like his drinking is solely attributed to something lacking in him. Healthy coping skills, self evaluation, self monitoring, accountability, etc.

 

Enabling could simply mean that his wife accepted less from him with no consequences...which allowed him to continue his unhealthy ways to cope with any issues...perceived or otherwise.

 

And drinking most certainly becomes a problem....a pretty big one in fact....all on its own. Often, people require specialized care to assist them....most have to go to detox..as their bodies go through withdrawal symptoms.

 

 

I don't know if I agree or not, but I have often heard that addiction is a form of mentla illness, and some people can become addicted to different things regardless of what else may/may not be going on in their life.

 

From what Sherminator says, he was drinking before he met his wife, which means that blaming her for his drinking makes no sense. He drnak because he was addicted, and she could have been the perfect combination of Martha Stewart, mother Theressa and the happy hooker of horny street and he still would have felt a need to drink.

 

He drank, she stayed. She is responsible for stying and not walking away, but she is not responsible for how his drinking impacted the marriage.

 

As for her being a wet blanket taht's easy to say when one isn't the one who has had to be responsible and the caretaker. It sounds like she enevr really had a chance to be or have much fun.

[shermanator]

 

From what Sherminator says, he was drinking before he met his wife, which means that blaming her for his drinking makes no sense. He drnak because he was addicted, and she could have been the perfect combination of Martha Stewart, mother Theressa and the happy hooker of horny street and he still would have felt a need to drink.

 

He drank, she stayed. She is responsible for stying and not walking away, but she is not responsible for how his drinking impacted the marriage.

 

As for her being a wet blanket taht's easy to say when one isn't the one who has had to be responsible and the caretaker. It sounds like she enevr really had a chance to be or have much fun.

 

I'm pretty sure I haven't blamed my wife for MY drinking. It was how I handled avoiding conflict. She didn't force me to drink... I drank to try and ignore how I was feeling about her sometimes. My problem, not hers. Her staying and rug sweeping was how she handled it.

 

I'm the breadwinner, I'm a caretaker and I'm an active participant in my kids' lives.

[drifter777]

I apologize for the thread jack.

 

I have a hard time not responding when I read uninformed definitions of addiction. First and foremost, it is a disease as defined in the DSM and not a moral issue. Most people will turn to drugs and/or alcohol recreationally or during times of extreme stress and all but about 7% of them will not have an issue ending their substance abuse when they choose to. The rest develop cravings that are the fundamental cause of chemical addiction.

 

From the National Counsel on Alcoholism and Drug Dependance

Why do some people become addicted to alcohol and drugs and others do not? Whether a person decides to use alcohol or drugs is a choice, influenced by their environment--peers, family, and availability. But, once a person uses alcohol or drugs, the risk of developing alcoholism or drug dependence is largely influenced by genetics. Alcoholism and drug dependence are not moral issues, are not a matter of choice or a lack of willpower. Plain and simple, some people’s bodies respond to the effects of alcohol and drugs differently.

 

FACT: The single most reliable indicator of risk for future alcohol and drug problems is FAMILY HISTORY.

[William]

Folks, with the excellent information on alcoholism and other non-topical behaviors out of the way, let's get back to wayward spouses sharing if and how their feelings for their spouse changed during their affair. If you have personal experience with this, the thread starter invites you to share. Thanks!

[Furious]

 

I was a 22 year old, conflict avoidant alcoholic with two alcoholic parents (one worse than the other).

 

In the midst of my chaos, I latched onto her.

 

I didn't know any better (and, honestly, we did have fun together), so I asked her to marry me.

 

I'm 37 now, sober, we have 3 kids and a house. She cares about things too much and cannot enjoy the moment, which drives me crazy.

 

I don't know that I have a 'sad' life, but I'm married to someone that doesn't share my zest for life, to be sure.

 

 

It's sad that both your parents were alcoholics, I can see how you latched onto your wife and the stability she offered. Unfortunately, you had drinking issues throughout most of your marriage and maybe that stems from both your parents who were alcoholics.

 

In a way it's like your a rebellious teenager and now view your wife in negative way and have described her as a wet blanket. I don't think your wife was an enabler, I think she really believed you were not addicted to alcohol, it's obvious you hid it from her for many years.

 

You've been sober for the last few years and I applaud you for that. But.....unfortunately, your sobriety did not bring you closer to your wife, maybe now you didn't need her stability anymore and you got caught up in an affair. Maybe you traded in one addiction for another, maybe you don't love your wife anymore, but I hope you at least respect her enough to let her go. I can only imagine that she wasn't given the love she needed by you as you were too passive aggressive and secretive. If there was intimacy lacking it seems it was something you didn't understand and numbed yourself with alcohol to avoid it.

 

You do seem confused and scared of screwing up your future and I can see why you're stuck in limbo, maybe limbo is your normal.

 

There are no guarantees in life, nothing is without risk. whatever choices you make I hope they include integrity and respect.

[shermanator]

Folks, with the excellent information on alcoholism and other non-topical behaviors out of the way, let's get back to wayward spouses sharing if and how their feelings for their spouse changed during their affair. If you have personal experience with this, the thread starter invites you to share. Thanks!

 

Thank you, moderator. I really wasn't trying to derail the thread...

 

My EA highlighted the fracture I felt with my wife. I started to resent my W because I'd started to idealize my xAP... everything my W did bugged me, rubbed me the wrong way, because I was obsessing over the OW.

 

Since going NC, I've started to find my way back to my W, but it's hard. I fell in love with the OW and am struggling to find those feelings again for my W. And I don't know if it's because I'm re-writing my marriage history or not, but I question whether or not I ever really loved my wife or just latched onto her.

[autumnnight]

Maybe you traded in one addiction for another

 

This happens a lot, and with things a lot of people wouldn't even consider addictions. An affair is one, but there are tons of others.

 

I have heard about something called contrasting. It is when the WS compares their spouse to the AP. I would think that probably happens a lot.

[RoseVille]

I have heard about something called contrasting. It is when the WS compares their spouse to the AP. I would think that probably happens a lot.

 

I think this happens in any situation where options are available. Affairs, dating, contemplating job changes.

[violet1]

 

I have heard about something called contrasting. It is when the WS compares their spouse to the AP. I would think that probably happens a lot.

 

 

Oh absolutely! The problem is it's an unfair and unrealistic comparison. I heavily compared my exAP to my H which made reconciliation hard at first. I finally came to the conclusion that you can't compare a person you see sparingly in secret to a person you've shared your life with out in the open for years. When you compare, the BS can't compete with that. They will never be capable of meeting your expectations.

[violet1]

I think this happens in any situation where options are available. Affairs, dating, contemplating job changes.

I agree, but an AP and a spouse aren't on the same level. With comparing ex boyfriends and girlfriends, you've had a chance to have a complete out in the open relationship with each person. With AP's, that opportunity never comes unless the MW or MM leave the marriage and pursues a relationship with the AP.