For those WS, did your affair change your feelings for your spouse?

[cocorico]

Did your A affect how you see or feel about your BS? Did it make you love/appreciate him/her more? Magnify the issues you had with your H/W? Did those feelings change after the affair was over?

 

I'd love to believe that somehow my A with MM made him come to his senses and appreciate/love his W more. I guess that's my way of trying to ease my own guilt.

 

I was speaking to a FWS recently. She chose to stay with her BS because, at the time, the kids were still young, and the A was LDR and would have involved a great deal of disruption to transition to FTR.

 

She told me that her A had led to her becoming even more irritated with her BH than she was before, magnifying issues between them, and that this has only gotten worse over the years. She ended the A more than a decade ago, still misses the OM but would never think of getting back together with him now, because there is simply "too much water under the bridge".

 

Her kids are grown now and D would be much simpler, but she and her BH have decided to stay together... sort of. They deal with the daily irritation by him working in another country, flying home at weekends. She travels a great deal in her job (how she met the OM) and so they spend very little time together. Career-wise, she is a go-getter, at the top of her game, whereas he has opted to take a more relaxed, lower-key position and "semi-retire" - which is another bone of contention between them. They holiday together for short spells, but to an outsider it really looks like they shouldn't be together. There both lovely people, and good friends, but they're simply not a good fit. Would she have been better with the OM? I have no idea, never having met him... but I'm pretty sure it couldn't be much worse a fit than with her BH.

[RoseVille]

She told me that her A had led to her becoming even more irritated with her BH than she was before, magnifying issues between them, and that this has only gotten worse over the years.

 

This seems to be a common trend, huh?

[minimariah]

I have no idea, never having met him... but I'm pretty sure it couldn't be much worse a fit than with her BH.

 

this honestly always "surprises me" - if someone isn't a good fit for you, how can you NOT see that before you married them?

 

also - is she working on he marriage? as in, putting in some real work & counseling instead of pining for the OM & "tolerating" & avoiding the spouse?

 

that's a sad life.

[cocorico]

this honestly always "surprises me" - if someone isn't a good fit for you, how can you NOT see that before you married them?

 

People change - especially when you've been married for around 40 years. They met as undergraduates, when what seemed important in a partner was very different to what you'd consider important in your 60s, as they are now. In the context they met, they seemed to have a lot in common. But over time, the importance of those commonalities has faded, and the relative importance of differences has grown.

 

also - is she working on he marriage? as in, putting in some real work & counseling instead of pining for the OM & "tolerating" & avoiding the spouse?

 

that's a sad life.

 

currently no. They've both "settled". He still thinks of her as his "ideal girl" as he saw her back at university, and doesn't really see her as she is now. She has largely stopped seeing him and focuses on her career. They did try some MC some years back, which led to them taking holidays together and working out agreements on parenting (she's helicopter, he's more hands off) but the kids are long grown so that focus of difference has been replaced by others.

[sandylee1]

It's a mean thing for me to say..

 

But when I hear a WS claim their marriage is better after (and sometimes even because of) their affair - I usually suggest that maybe the BS should go and have an affair too because then the marriage would be EVEN BETTER.

 

You make a very good point here.

[shermanator]

this honestly always "surprises me" - if someone isn't a good fit for you, how can you NOT see that before you married them?

 

also - is she working on he marriage? as in, putting in some real work & counseling instead of pining for the OM & "tolerating" & avoiding the spouse?

 

that's a sad life.

 

In my case, I met a young, pretty, interesting girl from a seemingly wonderful family. I was a 22 year old, conflict avoidant alcoholic with two alcoholic parents (one worse than the other).

 

In the midst of my chaos, I latched onto her. I lied about things, drank too much, wasn't honest with her about my feelings (because I was scared we'd get into fights), etc. But she loved me and, more than anything, wanted to get married. She never even considered breaking up with me, despite the lies.

 

I didn't know any better (and, honestly, we did have fun together), so I asked her to marry me.

 

I'm 37 now, sober, we have 3 kids and a house. She cares about things too much and cannot enjoy the moment, which drives me crazy.

 

I don't know that I have a 'sad' life, but I'm married to someone that doesn't share my zest for life, to be sure.

[Furious]

In my case, I met a young, pretty, interesting girl from a seemingly wonderful family. I was a 22 year old, conflict avoidant alcoholic with two alcoholic parents (one worse than the other).

 

In the midst of my chaos, I latched onto her. I lied about things, drank too much, wasn't honest with her about my feelings (because I was scared we'd get into fights), etc. But she loved me and, more than anything, wanted to get married. She never even considered breaking up with me, despite the lies.

 

I didn't know any better (and, honestly, we did have fun together), so I asked her to marry me.

 

I'm 37 now, sober, we have 3 kids and a house. She cares about things too much and cannot enjoy the moment, which drives me crazy.

 

I don't know that I have a 'sad' life, but I'm married to someone that doesn't share my zest for life, to be sure.

 

 

Seriously, you don't seem "zesty" at all. Is being mostly drunk throughout most of your marriage and an admitted liar who also cheated seems like someone not fun to be around.

[shermanator]

Seriously, you don't seem "zesty" at all. Is being mostly drunk throughout most of your marriage and an admitted liar who also cheated seems like someone not fun to be around.

 

I'm speaking about me, post drinking. And where does it say that someone who has an affair can't be fun or enjoy life? I'm funny, I work in sales, I'm outgoing, I laugh often. I might be a cowardly cheater who went underground to avoid conflict, but nobody has ever called me a wet blanket or a buzzkill or whatever.

 

To get back on topic, I think it's kind of a chicken and egg situation with an A and whether or not it changes how you feel about your spouse. If you have an EA, I think there's NO question it will color your feelings about your spouse. If it's just a PA, it might not change things.

[minimariah]

I'm speaking about me, post drinking. And where does it say that someone who has an affair can't be fun or enjoy life?

 

i think the poster meant to say that your affair wasn't fun to your W, as in... it's not fun living with someone you know doesn't respect you.

 

in your previous post, you never once even mentioned you loved your W, fell in love with her as reasons to marrying her -- that speaks volumes, you already know.

 

i think it's safe to say that, in a way, you & your W both used each other (if i understood, she knew about your lies before marriage and still married you).

[Furious]

I'm speaking about me, post drinking. And where does it say that someone who has an affair can't be fun or enjoy life? I'm funny, I work in sales, I'm outgoing, I laugh often. I might be a cowardly cheater who went underground to avoid conflict, but nobody has ever called me a wet blanket or a buzzkill or whatever.

 

To get back on topic, I think it's kind of a chicken and egg situation with an A and whether or not it changes how you feel about your spouse. If you have an EA, I think there's NO question it will color your feelings about your spouse. If it's just a PA, it might not change things.

 

I think you should go for the chicken and not the egg in your circumstance.

Edited June 24, 2015 by Furious

[shermanator]

i think the poster meant to say that your affair wasn't fun to your W, as in... it's not fun living with someone you know doesn't respect you.

 

in your previous post, you never once even mentioned you loved your W, fell in love with her as reasons to marrying her -- that speaks volumes, you already know.

 

i think it's safe to say that, in a way, you & your W both used each other (if i understood, she knew about your lies before marriage and still married you).

 

Yep... not sure if it's re-writing marriage history or what, but I've wondered if I ever really loved my wife. I cheated on her (I was drunk at the time, FWIW) way back in college. But she was a 'catch,' I was convinced... I had to keep her.

 

Our MC has called her a flaming enabler, someone that I knew I could do anything to and that would never leave. To her, a wedding was the endgame. After that, it didn't matter what happened.

[minimariah]

Yep... not sure if it's re-writing marriage history or what, but I've wondered if I ever really loved my wife. I cheated on her (I was drunk at the time, FWIW) way back in college. But she was a 'catch,' I was convinced... I had to keep her.

 

Our MC has called her a flaming enabler, someone that I knew I could do anything to and that would never leave. To her, a wedding was the endgame. After that, it didn't matter what happened.

 

did she ever find out...?

so she knew about your previous lies and still married you?

[Furious]

Yep... not sure if it's re-writing marriage history or what, but I've wondered if I ever really loved my wife. I cheated on her (I was drunk at the time, FWIW) way back in college. But she was a 'catch,' I was convinced... I had to keep her.

 

Our MC has called her a flaming enabler, someone that I knew I could do anything to and that would never leave. To her, a wedding was the endgame. After that, it didn't matter what happened.

 

But....here you are too scared to divorce. Odd how you pick apart your wife but you're still there. You've admitted that you lied and hid your drinking for years, are a liar and cheat but it's on your wife for not appreciating how zesty you are.

God help her.

[shermanator]

did she ever find out...?

so she knew about your previous lies and still married you?

 

Yes, she found out. And she caught me lying about drinking, lying about smoking cigarettes when I was drunk, lying about all kinds of things before we got married.

 

She always used to say "if you would just stop drinking, we'd have the perfect marriage," as if the drinking was the problem - and not me and whatever I was trying to cover up, escape from, etc.

[shermanator]

But....here you are too scared to divorce. Odd how you pick apart your wife but you're still there. You've admitted that you lied and hid your drinking for years, are a liar and cheat but it's on your wife for not appreciating how zesty you are.

God help her.

 

Was a liar and a cheat. Not are.

 

I pretty much agree with you. I think she's too good for me... She's loyal, has good morals, etc. Sure, she's a total wet blanket sometimes, but I know I've contributed to some of that.

[autumnnight]

So shermanator, the question was whether your A changed your feelings for your spouse, you were honest enough to answer this question, and....well, let's just say I wouldn't be too keen to answer questions on forums anymore.

 

I don't approve of your A, but <editorial commentary redacted>

Edited June 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[shermanator]

So shermanator, the question was whether your A changed your feelings for your spouse, you were honest enough to answer this question, and....well, let's just say I wouldn't be too keen to answer questions on forums anymore.

 

I don't approve of your A, but <editorial commentary redacted>

 

I'm not sure I follow.

 

In the fog of the new relationship, I didn't realize how distant I'd grown from my wife. My A sort of galvanized the disconnect I'd started feeling for my W.

 

To me, if you have an EA, and start to give your heart to someone, it's going to change how you feel about your spouse... no question.

Edited June 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[carhill]

To me, if you have an EA, and start to give your heart to someone, it's going to change how you feel about your spouse... no question.

 

In my case, it was a reminder of the feelings I had once had, the ones which impelled the desire to become married. In a sense, it was a time of mourning, mourning the lost and departed. Hence, showing how each man is different in his process, psyche and outcome.

[shermanator]

In my case, it was a reminder of the feelings I had once had, the ones which impelled the desire to become married. In a sense, it was a time of mourning, mourning the lost and departed. Hence, showing how each man is different in his process, psyche and outcome.

 

But the A still triggered an emotional change, right? It made you nostalgic... made you remember former feelings? Unless you are a robot, I feel like an EA would make you feel differently or explore feelings about your W.

[autumnnight]

I'm not sure I follow.

 

In the fog of the new relationship, I didn't realize how distant I'd grown from my wife. My A sort of galvanized the disconnect I'd started feeling for my W.

 

To me, if you have an EA, and start to give your heart to someone, it's going to change how you feel about your spouse... no question.

 

What I meant was, it's kind of sad that you were brave enough to actually answer the post, only to be hounded for it.

[carhill]

But the A still triggered an emotional change, right? It made you nostalgic... made you remember former feelings? Unless you are a robot, I feel like an EA would make you feel differently or explore feelings about your W.

In my case, more of a change from hopefulness of years prior to death and the resultant mourning and grief. When the psychologist asked me how I felt I told him my love died one day at a time, in exactly those words. I think it was healthy for my exW to hear that, not that I was off on some whim. She needed to hear that my feelings had changed and exactly how and why. Then we worked that process. Since I couldn't and can't read her mind, I have no way of knowing anything about her perspective, rather only the end result, which was divorce.

[minimariah]

Yes, she found out. And she caught me lying about drinking, lying about smoking cigarettes when I was drunk, lying about all kinds of things before we got married.

 

She always used to say "if you would just stop drinking, we'd have the perfect marriage," as if the drinking was the problem - and not me and whatever I was trying to cover up, escape from, etc.

 

yes, i noticed before in your posts that she likes to kind of... ignore the situation and act like nothing ever happened. and when she does acknowledge the situation, refuses to take responsibility & "punishes" you.

 

if your MC says she's an enabler - she probably is.

and yeah, drinking is not a problem - it was clearly a symptom if something else, of your own issues she wasn't interested in dealing with.

 

i wouldn't call your life a "sad one" - because you DO have kids from that M, so... at least for them it was worth it, i assume. i just think your W isn't the best match for you & i'm not really sure how successful the reconciliation will be... like i said, it seems like you both used each other in an unhealthy way.

 

also - you think she is too good for you... why? honestly, she doesn't seem like such a catch from few situations you described. she might not cheat or lie but she did make some HUGE mistakes along the way.

[shermanator]

What I meant was, it's kind of sad that you were brave enough to actually answer the post, only to be hounded for it.

 

Hardly brave... just adding my .02. There are a lot of people on here and we've all got different life stories and experiences. Anger can manifest itself in many different ways and message boards are, often times, one of those outlets.

[AlwaysGrowing]

yes, i noticed before in your posts that she likes to kind of... ignore the situation and act like nothing ever happened. and when she does acknowledge the situation, refuses to take responsibility & "punishes" you.

 

if your MC says she's an enabler - she probably is.

and yeah, drinking is not a problem - it was clearly a symptom if something else, of your own issues she wasn't interested in dealing with.

 

i wouldn't call your life a "sad one" - because you DO have kids from that M, so... at least for them it was worth it, i assume. i just think your W isn't the best match for you & i'm not really sure how successful the reconciliation will be... like i said, it seems like you both used each other in an unhealthy way.

 

also - you think she is too good for you... why? honestly, she doesn't seem like such a catch from few situations you described. she might not cheat or lie but she did make some HUGE mistakes along the way.

 

 

I have yet to see a Drug and Alcohol counsellor say that drinking is not a problem. Drinking most definitely becomes its own problem...regardless if the drinking is used as a poor coping skill for other issues.

 

How exactly was his drinking...his wife's way of not dealing with his issues? I have never, ever heard that take in my entire life.

 

 

Blameshifting does not help one to get control/focus in their life. We are each responsible for our choices in life....we don't get to absolve ourselves of our own wrong doings by pointing out someone else's.

 

We each have a primary responsibility to ourselves. To hold ourselves accountable when we drop the ball. The onus is on ME to get help/education/guidance if I need it...not someone else.

 

It seems that due to addictions...one spouse had to take on the more responsible (wet blanket) role...so that the other one could be as spontaneous as they say fit (which included getting drunk...whenever). Most never realize how they slowly morphed into the "gatekeeper/head of family matters" role...one they didn't usually set out seeking. Most take it on...for the sake of having some normalcy in their life.

 

That dynamic has to be looked at, really looked at and dissected. Often, the recommendation is for the partner who was lacking in the responsible department to take over the reins...1. Gives the less responsible one, the opportunity to take an adult role...and to see how demanding it can be. 2. Gives the one used to be the responsible one the chance to focus solely on themselves for a change....to learn self care.

[minimariah]

I have yet to see a Drug and Alcohol counsellor say that drinking is not a problem. Drinking most definitely becomes its own problem...regardless if the drinking is used as a poor coping skill for other issues.

 

drinking IS a problem as in... an addiction. but it is NEVER a problem on it's own. it is usually a consequence caused by deeper issues & a deeper problem. i mean, every addiction is.

 

How exactly was his drinking...his wife's way of not dealing with his issues? I have never, ever heard that take in my entire life.

 

huh? i said that his W wasn't interested in his problem or in dealing with his issues hence her statement that their marriage would be perfect if he had only stopped drinking. she wasn't interested in WHY was he drinking in the 1st place, that much is obvious from his posts.

 

just like she isn't interested in WHY he had an affair to begin with. she just wants him to get rid of the problem without doing any work, that's it.

 

Blameshifting does not help one to get control/focus in their life. We are each responsible for our choices in life....we don't get to absolve ourselves of our own wrong doings by pointing out someone else's.

 

true. & his W keeps refusing to take her own responsibility for the problems in their M that eventually lead to an A.

 

if their MC called his W an enabler -- i believe it. why? because only an enabler would still marry a dude with drinking problems + cheating history + a bunch of lies.

 

takes two to tango - shermanator has a problem, most definitely. & so does his wife.

Edited June 25, 2015 by minimariah