For those WS, did your affair change your feelings for your spouse?

[Spark1111]

I appreciate your input, but since the WS can be deceptive in the aftermath of an A to save their own hide (not saying yours was or wasn't, just that this sort of hearsay is unreliable), I'd like to hear directly from them, rather than how their BS interpreted their behaviors/comments, if you don't mind.

 

hahaha! Good luck on that one!

 

Rare is the WS who posts.

 

They generally, do not confront their actions or their feelings.

 

Those,that do are VERY brave and should be commended. Like those here.

 

Exit affairs are characterized by:

 

Not being kept SECRET.

 

Friends and family not only embrace the AP, but SUPPORT the DIVORCE and the affair....

 

They realized, WAY before the affair that the marriage was wrong,,ill-timed and on Life Support WAAAAY before the WS did.

 

It's quick and NOT a secret beyond 3 to 6 months. the relationship is out in the open and everyone,is cheering its success.

 

Yep, 3 out of 100.

Edited May 12, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Spark1111]

I'm not sure what people WANT to hear.....

 

Do you want to believe 75% cheat? I don't believe that at all....

 

Do you want to believe MORE affairs than 3 out of 100 end up TRUE exit affairs?

[Spark1111]

Everything I've read about "exit affairs" suggests that this was not an "exit affair". The closest to what I've seen in the literature is the "split self" affair.

 

But thanks

 

BUT you married him and you two are happy and the kids are happy too?

 

yes?

[Spark1111]

I don't want to get this thread off track - see the OP for the topic - and turn it into a stats war, but if you could quickly provide citations to this specific fact, that only 3% of affairs are exit affairs, I'd appreciate it. An exit affair isn't an affair where the WS "marries their OP," if that's what you're suggesting. Only 3% of WS marry their AP, that is true, but that's not an exit affair. Exit affairs are affairs used as a jumping off point to end their marriage, regardless of what happens with their AP, if anything. WAY MORE than 3% of affairs are exit affairs.

 

And I don't think the "type of affair" can be quantified that easily, anyway.

 

oh, so then you are speaking of people who have a SERIES of affairs before leaving the marriage?

 

They would fall into the other 97%.

[RoseVille]

oh, so then you are speaking of people who have a SERIES of affairs before leaving the marriage?

 

They would fall into the other 97%.

 

Nope.

 

Far more than 3% of affairs are exit affairs. Far more than 3% of WS use an A as a "way out" of their marriage.

[RoseVille]

I'm not sure if I answered the original question, or the intent of it - did the affair help my marriage? How did it affect it?

 

I think I now have the opportunity to make my marriage better. It is wrong to give my affair any "credit" for this. But my H and I are going to take something awful that happened and are working to learn and grow from it, to make our relationship stronger, to make ourselves less vulnerable, to understand more about human nature, and to truly appreciate what we really have in each other. But I would have MUCH preferred to have all of these things without going through this awful misery, and I'm pretty sure H would say the same.

 

I do NOT believe this can happen without a D-Day and both spouses agreeing to enter into reconciliation, however. I suppose some might have a little on the side and then run back to the marriage with a moment of clarity, but usually it just reinforces a pattern of behavior and the thought process that they "got away with it." To make the marriage better, as others have said, it pretty much has to crash and burn first.

 

My mantra from now on...can we just not do this to begin with?

 

Yes, I can see how a D-Day would be necessary; both sides can't work to repair something if both sides aren't fully aware of the extent of the damage.

[ttfn555]

It's nice to read that some people want to heal their marriage through honesty and transparency. I truly applaud you as I didn't have the chance. However, I have watched many marriages continue by just pretending nothing ever happened, by hiding affairs and continue on without healing. Then after 30 years, 40 years, 50 years, they just say "i've been doing this so long what does it matter?" they seem to have some satisfaction in remaining married no matter at what cost, they "succeeded" - my own parents being one strong example...I was talking to a friend of mine about a woman who is very obnoxious and really "a prize" and her husband is very sweet, good looking etc. I said " how does he stay with her?" Her answer was, once you've been with someone for so long, where are you gonna go?" these people are in their early 40's...sad

[cocorico]

BUT you married him and you two are happy and the kids are happy too?

 

yes?

 

Yes. Which is usually not the case with exit affairs. Exit Affairs have a very low success rate, in that the WS and AP seldom land up together.

 

This is because the A was never about the AP. It was simply a means to help the WS exit an unhappy M. Once the WS has left the M, the AP is no longer required, and the fWS is free to pursue the life they envisaged.

 

Exit Affairs are short-lived, and are all about providing a "soft landing" to the WS. They are not about "true love" or "soul mates" or "destiny" - they're pretty instrumental, at least from the WS side.

[ladydesigner]

When I was a MOW my A did change my feelings for my spouse. It made my feelings almost non-existent. I had an affair immediately after I found inappropriate behavior with my WH and a past co-worker (no proven affair though). I fueled my anger in the worst possible way by having an A. My feelings were already strained towards my WH at this point and my A exacerbated it. My A did not make me appreciate my spouse more or make me care deeper for my WH. It made me more distant. It took years for me to become attracted to my WH again only to find out he was in another A.

[Spark1111]

Yes. Which is usually not the case with exit affairs. Exit Affairs have a very low success rate, in that the WS and AP seldom land up together.

 

This is because the A was never about the AP. It was simply a means to help the WS exit an unhappy M. Once the WS has left the M, the AP is no longer required, and the fWS is free to pursue the life they envisaged.

 

Exit Affairs are short-lived, and are all about providing a "soft landing" to the WS. They are not about "true love" or "soul mates" or "destiny" - they're pretty instrumental, at least from the WS side.

 

Where did you get this info? because while it is highly romanticized, I don't believe it is true.

 

A TRUE EXIT affair is when the fWS marries their AP with the full support of family and friends and TOGETHER sail happily into their future for the next 30, 40, 50 years.

 

Three out of 100.

 

The others are just cheaters.

 

if they discard their spouse and their AP, they usually go onto to have multiple partners, multiple spouses and chase that illusive limerance that only lasts two to three years.

 

Then, they immaturely believe they are no longer in love because that rush of new excitement wanes.

 

They fixed nothing and may be okay with that.

 

But their romantic life remains an ongoing trainwreck.

 

They are not free. They just have no clue what intimacy in a long-term relationship means.

 

whenever a psych or counselor hears" I Love him/her but I'm not IN love with him/her" they pretty much groan inwardly.....

 

They know they are dealing with an intimacy illiterate; someone who will chase the hormonal, adolescent rush of limerance believing that is true love and will never have what it takes to sustain true intimacy for the long haul.

[minimariah]

A TRUE EXIT affair is when the fWS marries their AP with the full support of family and friends and TOGETHER sail happily into their future for the next 30, 40, 50 years.

 

no, an exit affair has nothing to do with the AP -- it has everything to do with a bad marriage. it also has nothing to do with being public or other folks supporting it.

 

exit affair = affair used by an unhappy WS who doesn't know how to leave the bad marriage on their own so they need help and they get that help in the form of an affair (AP). an exit affair, just like every other affair & relationship, doesn't need to have a happy ending. it doesn't need to be public it all -- some folks CAN pull it off without disclosing the A.

 

an exit affair, in most cases, isn't a bad thing. i know many folks who finally met a totally another person (not the AP) and had a very healthy relationsbips and marriages after they got out of the unhappy relationship or a marriage with the help of someone else. exit affairs are some kind of safety net and often some kind of eye opener for folks - when you realize that you CAN do soooooo much better and when you realize that you don't have to be stuck in a marriage that isn't meeting all of your needs and making you happy.

 

the point of an exit affair is NOT a happily ever after with the AP - the point is escaping the bad relationship and that's why the exit affair are treated more like some kind of bridge that helps with the transition, they rarely have the happily ever after with the AP.

 

tht being said, people leave their spouses for the AP - no, it's not always a fatal love, it doesn't always last with the AP. some marry and divorce after a few years, some break up soon after the separation from the spouse and some love happily ever after. but people DO leave, and they leave a lot more than those 3%. just look at the divorce rates -- and remember that folks rarely leave their relationship on their own & there you have it.

 

a WS leaving for his or hers AP does not mean that they found the most perfect love ever and that the AP is their soulmate - it simply means that the affair relationship was better. folks don't leave their marriage ONLX for some true and fatal love - they sometimes leave for a lot less if the marriage is that bad. ALSO - not true that those who discard spouse and the AP go on to have multiple partners. it might last, it might not. just like every other relationship in life.

Edited May 13, 2015 by minimariah

[Spark1111]

no, an exit affair has nothing to do with the AP -- it has everything to do with a bad marriage. it also has nothing to do with being public or other folks supporting it.

 

exit affair = affair used by an unhappy WS who doesn't know how to leave the bad marriage on their own so they need help and they get that help in the form of an affair (AP). an exit affair, just like every other affair & relationship, doesn't need to have a happy ending. it doesn't need to be public it all -- some folks CAN pull it off without disclosing the A.

 

an exit affair, in most cases, isn't a bad thing. i know many folks who finally met a totally another person (not the AP) and had a very healthy relationsbips and marriages after they got out of the unhappy relationship or a marriage with the help of someone else. exit affairs are some kind of safety net and often some kind of eye opener for folks - when you realize that you CAN do soooooo much better and when you realize that you don't have to be stuck in a marriage that isn't meeting all of your needs and making you happy.

 

the point of an exit affair is NOT a happily ever after with the AP - the point is escaping the bad relationship and that's why the exit affair are treated more like some kind of bridge that helps with the transition, they rarely have the happily ever after with the AP.

 

tht being said, people leave their spouses for the AP - no, it's not always a fatal love, it doesn't always last with the AP. some marry and divorce after a few years, some break up soon after the separation from the spouse and some love happily ever after. but people DO leave, and they leave a lot more than those 3%. just look at the divorce rates -- and remember that folks rarely leave their relationship on their own & there you have it.

 

a WS leaving for his or hers AP does not mean that they found the most perfect love ever and that the AP is their soulmate - it simply means that the affair relationship was better. folks don't leave their marriage ONLX for some true and fatal love - they sometimes leave for a lot less if the marriage is that bad. ALSO - not true that those who discard spouse and the AP go on to have multiple partners. it might last, it might not. just like every other relationship in life.

 

that's called divorce, or using the Affair relationship as a catapult or stepping stone, or excuse to finally leave a marriage that wasn't working for a long time.

 

That is not the three out of 100 true exit affairs as I have read and come to understand them.

 

EXIT affairs are not fatal, doomed or have a high rate of divorce. I would classify them as right, normal, happy, solid, supported relationships which started as an affair.

 

That is the three out of 100.

[RoseVille]

no, an exit affair has nothing to do with the AP -- it has everything to do with a bad marriage. it also has nothing to do with being public or other folks supporting it.

 

exit affair = affair used by an unhappy WS who doesn't know how to leave the bad marriage on their own so they need help and they get that help in the form of an affair (AP). an exit affair, just like every other affair & relationship, doesn't need to have a happy ending. it doesn't need to be public it all -- some folks CAN pull it off without disclosing the A.

 

an exit affair, in most cases, isn't a bad thing. i know many folks who finally met a totally another person (not the AP) and had a very healthy relationsbips and marriages after they got out of the unhappy relationship or a marriage with the help of someone else. exit affairs are some kind of safety net and often some kind of eye opener for folks - when you realize that you CAN do soooooo much better and when you realize that you don't have to be stuck in a marriage that isn't meeting all of your needs and making you happy.

 

the point of an exit affair is NOT a happily ever after with the AP - the point is escaping the bad relationship and that's why the exit affair are treated more like some kind of bridge that helps with the transition, they rarely have the happily ever after with the AP.

 

tht being said, people leave their spouses for the AP - no, it's not always a fatal love, it doesn't always last with the AP. some marry and divorce after a few years, some break up soon after the separation from the spouse and some love happily ever after. but people DO leave, and they leave a lot more than those 3%. just look at the divorce rates -- and remember that folks rarely leave their relationship on their own & there you have it.

 

a WS leaving for his or hers AP does not mean that they found the most perfect love ever and that the AP is their soulmate - it simply means that the affair relationship was better. folks don't leave their marriage ONLX for some true and fatal love - they sometimes leave for a lot less if the marriage is that bad. ALSO - not true that those who discard spouse and the AP go on to have multiple partners. it might last, it might not. just like every other relationship in life.

 

Exactly!! An exit affair is a means used by a WS to end the marriage, regardless of what happens with the AP. It could be a ONS, it could be a LTR with the AP, it doesn't matter.

 

Exit affairs are really the coward's way out used by conflict avoiders. I also think many of them secretly want to get caught, and act in bold/risky ways to get found out.

[minimariah]

...or using the Affair relationship as a catapult or stepping stone, or excuse to finally leave a marriage that wasn't working for a long time.

 

but this is a definition of an exit affair, an exit affair RESULTS in a divorce which wouldn't happen if it wasn't for an affair. folks decide to leave only after they had an A and it helps them make the final decision about ending the marriage. THAT is the exit affair -- hence the word EXIT.

 

an exit affair =\= an affair where the WS ends up leaving for an AP; those are not the same thing & i think you're confusing the two.

 

also - just because a WS decides to leave for the AP, it does not mean that the relationship will actually be healthy and that it will last.

Edited May 13, 2015 by minimariah

[RoseVille]

that's called divorce, or using the Affair relationship as a catapult or stepping stone, or excuse to finally leave a marriage that wasn't working for a long time.

 

That is not the three out of 100 true exit affairs as I have read and come to understand them.

 

EXIT affairs are not fatal, doomed or have a high rate of divorce. I would classify them as right, normal, happy, solid, supported relationships which started as an affair.

 

That is the three out of 100.

 

Your definition of exit affair isn't accurate.

 

Your first sentence about "divorce" is what an exit affair is: "Using an affair to catapult or as a stepping stone or excuse to leave" (i.e., EXIT) a marriage IS AN EXIT AFFAIR.

 

Many things can be used to EXIT a marriage, including an affair.

 

Why Did The Affair Happen? | Tammy Nelson, Ph.D.

 

Exit Affairs | Advice at FRIENDS & Lovers

 

The 6 Common Kinds of Affairs | AFFAIRCARE

[Spark1111]

Your definition of exit affair isn't accurate.

 

Your first sentence about "divorce" is what an exit affair is: "Using an affair to catapult or as a stepping stone or excuse to leave" (i.e., EXIT) a marriage IS AN EXIT AFFAIR.

 

Many things can be used to EXIT a marriage, including an affair.

 

Why Did The Affair Happen?*|*Tammy Nelson, Ph.D.

 

Exit Affairs | Advice at FRIENDS & Lovers

 

The 6 Common Kinds of Affairs | AFFAIRCARE

 

OK, I think we are stuck on the semantics of the word "exit".

 

The three out of 100 who exit the marriage and marry their affair partner and live happily ever after is what I. Am talking about.

 

The others, and I have no idea what percentage that may be, who use the affair and use their AP as a stepping stone to leave their marriage BUT do NOT marry their affair partner are....divorced.

[cocorico]

but this is a definition of an exit affair, an exit affair RESULTS in a divorce which wouldn't happen if it wasn't for an affair. folks decide to leave only after they had an A and it helps them make the final decision about ending the marriage. THAT is the exit affair -- hence the word EXIT.

 

an exit affair =\= an affair where the WS ends up leaving for an AP; those are not the same thing & i think you're confusing the two.

 

also - just because a WS decides to leave for the AP, it does not mean that the relationship will actually be healthy and that it will last.

 

Exactly.

 

This is the definition of "exit affair" that is commonly used in the literature, and the one most people are familiar with. There may be someone else out there using the term in a non-standard way to represent what Spark is describing, but that is not the standard definition or how the term is commonly understood.

 

Exit affairs, as per the standard definition, are likely to be much higher than 3% (of what? Of all affairs? Of all marriages? ) but AFAIK there are no reliable stats on this.

 

Just as the mythical 3% is a total fiction, based as it is on nothing resembling a scientifically valid study representative across all cultures, nationalities, marriage types and epochs. There simply are no reliable statistics, given the difficulties around study design that this kind of subject matter necessitates.

[gettingstronger]

I feel like the differences between our OW and me helped my husband build that needed resentment towards me that he had to have to do what he did- now in retrospect, what she portrayed was a total lie so he was basing it off of the persona she had built of herself- It almost seems like she took whatever he said about us and built her persona to be the positives to my negatives-

 

EX-

 

career choice- I teach, not much money in that- she claimed to make 250K (not true)

 

focus on kids- I could not/would not travel with him because we have busy kids and I feel the need to have a parent at their games and activities-she willing left her kids to follow my husband on trips

 

volunteerism- I am a chronic volunteer-its important to me but yes, it takes time from my husband- she viewed it as an excuse for me to not spend time with him and he eventually agreed-

 

working out- see above- same stuff- selfish of me- focused on my body and not my marriage-

 

Now, we are in reconciliation and I still do all of the above-its how he views these things about me that has changed-he works out with me now, joins me at volunteer activities and is thankful that my kids had a parent in the stands for very victory and defeat-

 

Life is all in how you view it I guess-

[RoseVille]

OK, I think we are stuck on the semantics of the word "exit".

 

The three out of 100 who exit the marriage and marry their affair partner and live happily ever after is what I. Am talking about.

 

The others, and I have no idea what percentage that may be, who use the affair and use their AP as a stepping stone to leave their marriage BUT do NOT marry their affair partner are....divorced.

 

It's really not semantics. You're throwing in the word "exit" to a new marriage. They're incongruous.

 

I've always known what the 3% of affairs referred to: marriages to the AP.

 

You'd agree that far more than 3% of affairs are used as springboards/excuses/justifications/stepping stones/tools to simply EXIT a M that a WS doesn't want to be in, right? They're of the sincere "I'm so unhappy" variety.

[autumnnight]

OK, I think we are stuck on the semantics of the word "exit".

 

The three out of 100 who exit the marriage and marry their affair partner and live happily ever after is what I. Am talking about.

 

The others, and I have no idea what percentage that may be, who use the affair and use their AP as a stepping stone to leave their marriage BUT do NOT marry their affair partner are....divorced.

 

It isn't semantics; it is a whole different definition. I am pretty sure I know where you got your definition of "exit affair" and why it is so narrow, but it is not accurate. The stats from the twisters of that resource are highly skewed and suspect, designed to make things curved in a very particular way for a particular purpose.

 

One of the main people who began using this narrow definition of an exit affair had a marriage that began as an affair, so that explains the narrowness.

[carhill]

Did your A affect how you see or feel about your BS?

Generally, no. The lack of feelings for my spouse occurred a good deal prior to the EA. If anything, being open about it increased intimacy or at least efforts at it because exW saw the other lady, whom she met and could interact with independently, as exigent.

Did it make you love/appreciate him/her more?

Not really. My love had pretty much died at that point.

Magnify the issues you had with your H/W?

Put them in perspective and, combined with work in MC, helped me lose my fear of divorce.

Did those feelings change after the affair was over?

More neutral perspective resulted from end of A and end of M. Neither mattered in any substantive way anymore. Death (of relationships) was accepted. Life went on.

 

I'd love to believe that somehow my A with MM made him come to his senses and appreciate/love his W more. I guess that's my way of trying to ease my own guilt.

Each man and each M is unique. When you've met one MM, you've met one MM. We're not a hive mind, either as men or as MM's. YMMV> Edited May 13, 2015 by carhill
One, not on

[RoseVille]

Generally, no. The lack of feelings for my spouse occurred a good deal prior to the EA. If anything, being open about it increased intimacy or at least efforts at it because exW saw the other lady, whom she met and could interact with independently, as exigent. Not really. My love had pretty much died at that point. Put them in perspective and, combined with work in MC, helped me lose my fear of divorce. More neutral perspective resulted from end of A and end of M. Neither mattered in any substantive way anymore. Death (of relationships) was accepted. Life went on.

 

Each man and each M is unique. When you've met one MM, you've met one MM. We're not a hive mind, either as men or as MM's. YMMV>

 

Did you ever try to get back that lovin' feelin' for your W?

 

How did you lose your fear of divorce? I'm assuming it was a combination of things?

[carhill]

Did you ever try to get back that lovin' feelin' for your W?

 

I would opine the 'try' was most evident during the 14 months or so we were in MC. Once that ended with the psychologist offering the opinion that we had enough information and it was time to make a decision, we made that decision and moved on. I was open to any direction during the process but have no idea how my exW (the BS here) felt.

 

How did you lose your fear of divorce? I'm assuming it was a combination of things?

Mostly it was processing through the marital realities and accepting them as part and parcel of the MC process. Prior, what seemed like a scary jumble got sorted through to definable steps. My exW exhibited nor shared no such fear as she had been divorced twice already. The closest she came was a comment (in MC) that she wanted to work on things so as not to be thought of as 'a three time loser' (her words). I think it was at that point, or shortly thereafter, I began to see the realities, which were proven out during the divorce process which generally went like a business dealing without demonstrable rancor from her side. If either of us demonstrated any feelings, it would have been myself. I was behind the no feelings curve, and probably for a long time, though processed things out by the time the legal dissolution occurred.

 

Breaking the milieu down into steps, for me, was the single most evident aspect that I can recall. The MC used to say focus on one success for each day and make it the day's success, even if everything else goes to shyte. That worked and still does. Our D became final about a month after the person I was caregiving for during our M died and pretty much everything was neutral by that point. I was back to processing things like a man in our social climate and culture should. Life went on.

[RoseVille]

I would opine the 'try' was most evident during the 14 months or so we were in MC. Once that ended with the psychologist offering the opinion that we had enough information and it was time to make a decision, we made that decision and moved on. I was open to any direction during the process but have no idea how my exW (the BS here) felt.

 

Mostly it was processing through the marital realities and accepting them as part and parcel of the MC process. Prior, what seemed like a scary jumble got sorted through to definable steps. My exW exhibited nor shared no such fear as she had been divorced twice already. The closest she came was a comment (in MC) that she wanted to work on things so as not to be thought of as 'a three time loser' (her words). I think it was at that point, or shortly thereafter, I began to see the realities, which were proven out during the divorce process which generally went like a business dealing without demonstrable rancor from her side. If either of us demonstrated any feelings, it would have been myself. I was behind the no feelings curve, and probably for a long time, though processed things out by the time the legal dissolution occurred.

 

Breaking the milieu down into steps, for me, was the single most evident aspect that I can recall. The MC used to say focus on one success for each day and make it the day's success, even if everything else goes to shyte. That worked and still does. Our D became final about a month after the person I was caregiving for during our M died and pretty much everything was neutral by that point. I was back to processing things like a man in our social climate and culture should. Life went on.

 

Thank you for your perspective, carhill. It's interesting to see how these feelings evolve after time has passed.

[William]

As a reminder to everyone, this is the opening post..

 

Did your A affect how you see or feel about your BS? Did it make you love/appreciate him/her more? Magnify the issues you had with your H/W? Did those feelings change after the affair was over?

 

I'd love to believe that somehow my A with MM made him come to his senses and appreciate/love his W more. I guess that's my way of trying to ease my own guilt.

 

Moving forward lets keep our replies topical to these questions asked. ~Thank you