RoseVille Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Did your A affect how you see or feel about your BS? Did it make you love/appreciate him/her more? Magnify the issues you had with your H/W? Did those feelings change after the affair was over? I'd love to believe that somehow my A with MM made him come to his senses and appreciate/love his W more. I guess that's my way of trying to ease my own guilt.
jbrent890 Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Answers will vary, but for the most part, affairs only amplify problems, sometimes even create problems that aren't even there. Most people in affairs re-write marital history. It usually isn't until the affair is over that the WS acknowledges the problems they created or amplified weren't serious issues to begin with. Make no mistake, affairs don't save marries, they destroy them, especially LTAs. The majority of people I see come out of LTAs, especially women, have a very hard time recommitting to their marriages. It doesn't matter if the spouse knows or doesn't know, the marriage is never the same after an affair. 6
Spark1111 Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Well, in my case, yes. Happily reconciled 8 years now and he adores me. Actually, he did before the affair too, but he said (in couseling) that he never felt worthy of me. At DDAY, I told him to go be with his soul mate. It was his LYING to me that just about killed me. He never had to. I loved him enough to let him go if that's what he wanted. Initially, he did not know what or whom he wanted, so I kicked him out to go figure it out and started moving on with my life. He had a whole litany of stuff he blamed me for, most of which (again, in counseling) was not my fault AT ALL. So, I agree with the OP who said it became necessary for him to re-write our entire, mostly happy, marriage to feel LESS guilty about his affair. Discovering it, while devastating, was also relief. It explained his critical, distancing, unhappy behavior with me and the children during the affair: as if, he was always looking negatively at us for no reasons we could figure out. BUT, to his AP, he was father of the year stuck in a loveless, frigid, mean marriage with a slovenly alcoholic, uncaring wife. You know the script. Ha! I worked three jobs, raised three kids, took care of his aging parents and mine so he could devote himself to his new, high-paid job, the one we had been praying for, the one where he met her. Sometimes he is STILL consumed with guilt and sometimes obssessed I will meet a better man, one who would never break my heart. And I wish this were NOT so. I forgave him YEARS ago. I wish he could forgive himself. 6
Author RoseVille Posted May 5, 2015 Author Posted May 5, 2015 Answers will vary, but for the most part, affairs only amplify problems, sometimes even create problems that aren't even there. Most people in affairs re-write marital history. It usually isn't until the affair is over that the WS acknowledges the problems they created or amplified weren't serious issues to begin with. Make no mistake, affairs don't save marries, they destroy them, especially LTAs. The majority of people I see come out of LTAs, especially women, have a very hard time recommitting to their marriages. It doesn't matter if the spouse knows or doesn't know, the marriage is never the same after an affair. IME in my social/family circle, and even what I've read here, I've seen many marriages actually get better, or start anew, after an affair. Not immediately, but if they work at it and want it to work, a whole new type of intimacy and connection can be forged. 2
Bittersweetie Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 I loved my H before my A, and during my A. We didn't live together at that point, so the distance that had grown between us intensified, in addition to all of my own issues, which led to my A. Our marriage is not the same as it was before, but it is good and healthy. And that is not because of some grand gesture by the xOM in any way...it's because I worked every day in the dirt rebuilding the foundation of me and my marriage, rebuilding the trust. My H joined me in the dirt. Now, I am so so grateful to still be with my H. He is the most amazing man and father. 7
nightmare01 Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 IMO affairs NEVER make the marriage better. A marriage can survive, and it can be good, but it will never be what it could have been had the affair never happened. My WW and I are coming up on our 37th anniversary. She wants to celebrate. I don't feel there is anything to celebrate. Yes we're still married and are good together. But for me celebrating the anniversary is like also celebrating everything that has happened within the marriage - including her LTA. Years ago I read a statistic that said that after an affair 90% of the WS think the marriage is better - but only about 30% of the BS agree. 8
Zenstudent Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 It's one of the things people in affairs tell them selves to feel better about their choices. 9
MuddyFootprints Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 If the stats you recall say that 30% of betrayed spouses agree that their marriage is better, that is hardly NEVER. 2
nightmare01 Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 If the stats you recall say that 30% of betrayed spouses agree that their marriage is better, that is hardly NEVER. I never said that I agreed with those 30% 1
Davey L Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 I've heard quite a few people say their marriage is better after an affair. However I've only heard that from the wayward so I guess it's a one-sided betterness. 4
Zenstudent Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 I've heard quite a few people say their marriage is better after an affair. However I've only heard that from the wayward so I guess it's a one-sided betterness. I believe that was the point NM tried to make. 2
MuddyFootprints Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 To answer the original questions: Yes, my feelings definitely changed. I discovered a love, appreciation, and perhaps most importantly, a completely new sense of respect for him that I hadn't experienced before. It wasn't an overnight process. We both worked very hard to overcome our resentments and continue to work through our own individual demons and behaviours. For whatever you consider my opinion is worth, our marriage is in a far better condition than it has ever been. Should the changes have been brought about differently? Absolutely. I chose a path of complete destruction. 5
nightmare01 Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 It's a mean thing for me to say.. But when I hear a WS claim their marriage is better after (and sometimes even because of) their affair - I usually suggest that maybe the BS should go and have an affair too because then the marriage would be EVEN BETTER. 16
MuddyFootprints Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Fortunately, we have both grown beyond that mindset and have changed our way of thinking. 4
cocorico Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 Did your A affect how you see or feel about your BS? Did it make you love/appreciate him/her more? Magnify the issues you had with your H/W? Did those feelings change after the affair was over? I'd love to believe that somehow my A with MM made him come to his senses and appreciate/love his W more. I guess that's my way of trying to ease my own guilt. My H's A definitely made him see his xW differently. He realised just how toxic she was, and it helped him to leave her. 3
Noirek Posted May 5, 2015 Posted May 5, 2015 No. I loved him then and I love him now. But during the PA of my affair I realized fully just how much I couldn't live in a sexless marriage. I'll never let it go there again. For those discounting the experiences of others... That is wrong and pointless. Just because a few marriages do come out stronger and better doesn't mean yours will/ has to/ can. You can't speak for every single person cheated on and reconciled. It is arrogent to do so. Not every BS is the same. Not every WS is the same and not every story is the same. I have read stories of BS saying their marriage is better. Not because... But despite. Though the odd one may say because... Why this should threaten anyone is beyond me. 6
Spark1111 Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 Idk.....I'm the SAME woman today as I was pre, during and post affair. I did NOT change. I, apparently, did not HAVE to. he DID..... He became more appreciate, more grateful, happier with what HE HAD at home....FINALLY? I NEVER suffered from Grass is greener syndrome. HE did. Why is it some people do not appreciate what they have at home? Why is it they do not appreciate their spouse until a suitcase is packed, a divorce attorney is on speed dial, and life is moving on without them and their affair drama? 4
Spark1111 Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 My H's A definitely made him see his xW differently. He realised just how toxic she was, and it helped him to leave her. Sorry to hear that... but then he was, and you, too, are amongst that rare, 3 out of 100, exit affair. The other 97% of us cannot relate. Glad you hooked him. Be happy. 1
Author RoseVille Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 Sorry to hear that... but then he was, and you, too, are amongst that rare, 3 out of 100, exit affair. The other 97% of us cannot relate. Glad you hooked him. Be happy. Exit affairs aren't that rare. Marrying the OP and having it last the long haul might be. 2
Spark1111 Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 Exit affairs aren't that rare. Marrying the OP and having it last the long haul might be. Ok, I read Exit affairs are 3 out of 100. The other 97% are extracurricular activities. But I, Dr. Shirley Glass, Dr. Frank Pittman, and other infidelity gurus could be wrong"....... 2
jbrent890 Posted May 6, 2015 Posted May 6, 2015 Exit affairs aren't that rare. Marrying the OP and having it last the long haul might be. If you don't mind me asking, where are you getting these assertions from? Exit affairs are not common, in fact cheating is not common either. A marriage has at best a 25% chance of experiencing infedility. If you get married under the age of 25, then yes the marriage only has a 50% chance of surviving. That number goes up to 85% if you get married over the age of 30. Marriages are lasting longer now than they have been in the last 30 years because people are getting married later in life due to focusing on there careers. I would be happy to provide references to these stats if you want. 1
Author RoseVille Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 If you don't mind me asking, where are you getting these assertions from? Exit affairs are not common, in fact cheating is not common either. A marriage has at best a 25% chance of experiencing infedility. If you get married under the age of 25, then yes the marriage only has a 50% chance of surviving. That number goes up to 85% if you get married over the age of 30. Marriages are lasting longer now than they have been in the last 30 years because people are getting married later in life due to focusing on there careers. I would be happy to provide references to these stats if you want. I'm familiar with the statistics, which say that 25-75% of marriages experience infidelity. Even if you're only looking at 25%, when it comes to breaking marital vows, I'd hardly call 25% "rare," and definitely would call it "common." It's more common than herpes. And herpes is pretty damn common.
Author RoseVille Posted May 6, 2015 Author Posted May 6, 2015 (edited) Ok, I read Exit affairs are 3 out of 100. The other 97% are extracurricular activities. But I, Dr. Shirley Glass, Dr. Frank Pittman, and other infidelity gurus could be wrong"....... I don't want to get this thread off track - see the OP for the topic - and turn it into a stats war, but if you could quickly provide citations to this specific fact, that only 3% of affairs are exit affairs, I'd appreciate it. An exit affair isn't an affair where the WS "marries their OP," if that's what you're suggesting. Only 3% of WS marry their AP, that is true, but that's not an exit affair. Exit affairs are affairs used as a jumping off point to end their marriage, regardless of what happens with their AP, if anything. WAY MORE than 3% of affairs are exit affairs. And I don't think the "type of affair" can be quantified that easily, anyway. Edited May 6, 2015 by RoseVille 2
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