What would a guy really think if a woman asked HIM out on a date?

[carhill]

For the guys here, do you consider a first meeting from OLD to be a 'date'? Myself, I always considered it to be a first meeting, generally casual, and always arriving separately, meaning not 'picking her up' like I would with a normal date. Perhaps the customs and practices of the younger generations are different. However, that was my MO when I started using OLD about 20 years ago. I likened an arranged first meeting through OLD to a random encounter with a stranger, as example at a party or event, and then, if interest was there, actual 'dates' ensued. In my case, I always did the asking but can see traction for women asking too.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I'm shy and really haven't dated much since I am with my highschool sweetheart. I don't think I would do it because of my own personality!! And I readily admit that I am lucky to be a girl since I am shy, I would never have to put myself out there because traditionally it falls to the guy and even shy guys probably have to bite the bullet while we really don't!! but OTOH if you are an outgoing girl and you like a guy I say go for it!! Don't be worrying about what he will think because if he thinks it's "gross" like that one guy on here, you would never be a match anyway right? You might get turned down but at least you tried!! :bunny:

[PaperCrane]

I don't look down on a girl for doing that. Many circumstances can lead to a situation where he just hasn't noticed her due to being busy or he's working and she's a customer, etc etc.

 

I would;

1. Respect her boldness.
   
2. Smile and flirt back
   
3. Evalute if I think she'd be a fun date
   
4. Say yes or no dependant on the above
   

[Frank2thepoint]

For the guys here, do you consider a first meeting from OLD to be a 'date'?

 

Speaking for myself, yes, because OLD is about pursuing romantic interests, not about finding drinking buddies.

[jen1447]

First, concerning the boldface, you are making a woman that approaches sound desperate. That's demeaning her, and devaluing her action, when simply the act of asking a guy out is the same thing as a man asking a woman out. She's interested and doesn't want to risk losing out on an opportunity.

 

Second, your overall message that you are uncomfortable with a woman asking you out, means you lack the confidence and maturity to handle the situation appropriately. Are you afraid she will not live up to some physical standard you have, that you will be disgusted with her?

 

^ Agree. Honestly, whenever I've done this it's been with virtually no 'plan' and no reflection on the pros and cons, chances and risks, percentages, cultural/societal/sexual norms, etc., etc. I just ask them out because I want to. And despite the many tales of woe in this thread, these asks have all been received positively. I really don't think any of the guys I asked thought much more about it than I did.

[No Limit]

Now, imagine if every person (man or woman) gave up after one negative experience when approaching the opposite sex. Humanity would have died out a long time ago.

 

Thing is as a girl of a show business family she never had to approach anyone. Guess after that experience she just focused on the guys crushing on her. She hasn't been single for more than a month since 4 years now.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

So this would not be the first date, but the 2nd? Sure. If we had a great time on the first date and I knew about a thing I wanted to attend in the near future I have often asked a guy if he wanted to join me for that.

 

To be honest, I've also asked guys on a first date, if we met online and have been chatting for a while, if he did not ask to meet within a week or so, I have often asked if they wanted to get together for a cup of coffee.

 

I also have no problem paying for the date, in fact I usually alternate with my boyfriend now when we go out, but we have been doing this pretty much from the beginning since we started dating.

 

Well, here is where I think Frank and I differ in our view of what a first meet is and what a first date is. For me, a first meet up is something that happens when I'm on an OLD site. A first meet up is where I meet with the guy at a coffee shop, on the beach boardwalk or somewhere low key to see him in person to get a feel for whether I'm attracted to him physically and to his personality. First meet ups usually don't last more than an hour (if things are clicking) and can be as short as 10 minutes (if there's no connection).

 

If I end up liking him and want to see him again for our first official date, then I would ask him if he'd want to go out and then set a date at that time, while we're still together in person - that is, if he didn't beat me to it first by asking me out on a date. If I don't like him and wouldn't want to see him again, then I'd tell him it was nice meeting him but I'm not feeling a connection and then wish him well before I got up to leave.

 

So to answer your question, no, it wouldn't be the 2nd date that I'd ask a guy to go out with me, I'd ask him out on a 1st date AFTER our first meet up. In reference to your second paragraph, I think it's cool that you took the initiative if he didn't ask you out for a meet up. This is my take on this whole dating stuff. I don't like playing games (by playing 'hard to get') and I'd rather just seize the opportunity while it's there (and if I sense that the guy likes me or is at least mildly attracted to me) to ask him out. Like Jen said, I'm not concerned with whether I get rejected or not (it hasn't happened yet because I only did this once and it was received positively!).

 

I guess it's just not something that I'm scared of or worried about. If the guy doesn't want to go out, then it's all good - there are more fishies out there in the sea of life! Plus, judging by what some of the guys here in my thread have stated, I think most of the guys I ask out in the future may be flattered and they may admire/respect me for taking the initiative and...they may even like my approach because, for once, it took the pressure OFF of them to approach me, y'know? I can't wait to try this out once I start dating again to see how guys that I'm attracted to and want to go out with will respond! But, I'll have to meet up with them first before I'd ask them out. I'd never do a cold approach on a guy I don't even know or haven't gotten to know via OLD.

 

 

 

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[jen1447]

It's all about the balls. Girls w/balls get what they want.

[leavesonautumn]

I asked my current boyfriend out first which resulted in spending one of the best days ever together. If I didn't ask him out, he probably would've asked me out anyway. I'm not one to approach a guy and ask him out, it just kind of worked out that way. Wasn't calculated, out of desperation or that I ask out just anyone I find attractive. It probably didn't even phase him that *gasp* a woman is interested in him and taking initiative?

 

This is just another one of those "things" about dating that I didn't really know meant anything until I started posting here.

[smackie9]

A friend of mine was crushing on a guy. She tried establishing contact via Facebook and sent him one single message. The next day he was venting to his buddies how she stalked him and that he just wants to be left alone. And that was the last time she ever approached a guy, lol.

 

 

This goes to show you should never ask people out via internet....grow a set and ask them out in person.

 

Thank god he rejected her.....he's a d ouche bag and she dodged a bullet.

[smackie9]

It's all about the balls. Girls w/balls get what they want.

 

Damn rights!

[Gary S]

Whether a first meet from online dating is considered a date or just a a first meet varies with the individual. If the first meet goes well and they like the person, they might consider it a date. If they don't feel attraction, they might downplay it and call it a first meet.

[No Limit]

This goes to show you should never ask people out via internet....grow a set and ask them out in person.

 

Thank god he rejected her.....he's a d ouche bag and she dodged a bullet.

 

She didn't ask him out via internet, she wrote a simple "Hello, how are you?" hoping to get a conversation running. But about the rest... yep, pretty much.

[Redhead14]

For the guys here, do you consider a first meeting from OLD to be a 'date'? Myself, I always considered it to be a first meeting, generally casual, and always arriving separately, meaning not 'picking her up' like I would with a normal date. Perhaps the customs and practices of the younger generations are different. However, that was my MO when I started using OLD about 20 years ago. I likened an arranged first meeting through OLD to a random encounter with a stranger, as example at a party or event, and then, if interest was there, actual 'dates' ensued. In my case, I always did the asking but can see traction for women asking too.

 

I don't consider it a date. I consider it as if I'd met someone out in public for the first time like you. I have no problem with suggesting a first meet with a man from OLD after chatting with him for a bit. I would not ask him for the "official" date, after that meeting though.

 

I don't do dinner or anything. Just coffee and light breakfast or a couple of drinks and keep it to roughly an hour.

[Phoe]

I actually don't think I'd ever ask a guy out again.

 

Before coming to this forum I had no clue that for some men, it's a turn-off. Had I known that I very likely would have done things differently.

 

In almost every case of me asking a guy out, it had been planned, something I had dwelled on and gone over in my head to make sure I did it right. I can only think of 2 times when it was more spur of the moment (the last time I did it, actually... totally unplanned, the moment came and it popped into my head, instead of holding back I just asked him if he wanted to have dinner with me).

 

It was that last rejection that had prompted me to finally let go of my fears of OLD and try that instead. And since that last rejection my mindset has changed considerably, to where I know now that approaching just is not for me. If only I'd learned that sooner! Could've saved myself some embarassment, lol.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

I actually don't think I'd ever ask a guy out again.

 

Before coming to this forum I had no clue that for some men, it's a turn-off. Had I known that I very likely would have done things differently.

 

In almost every case of me asking a guy out, it had been planned, something I had dwelled on and gone over in my head to make sure I did it right. I can only think of 2 times when it was more spur of the moment (the last time I did it, actually... totally unplanned, the moment came and it popped into my head, instead of holding back I just asked him if he wanted to have dinner with me).

 

It was that last rejection that had prompted me to finally let go of my fears of OLD and try that instead. And since that last rejection my mindset has changed considerably, to where I know now that approaching just is not for me. If only I'd learned that sooner! Could've saved myself some embarassment, lol.

 

Don't let one rejection make you feel embarrassed or afraid of asking out a guy again! How did that guy reject you? Did he tell you you're weird, did he tell you to fk off? I mean, what did he say or do to make you feel this afraid to 'never' ask out another guy again? Hopefully, he wasn't a douche and he respectfully and politely declined your offer for a date. I know for me, I wouldn't give up that easily. Now, if I had a LOT of rejections (like what happens to some guys when they ask a woman out), I might feel embarrassed and hesitant to do it again.

 

@Jen: YES! We get what we want when we have the balls to ask for it or to go after it. Standing around waiting for something to happen isn't a very effective or reasonable way for me to attain that which I seek or desire. But, everyone's different with the way they see things and the way they approach it.

 

 

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[Shining One]

It's all about the balls. Girls w/balls get what they want.

Fortune favors the bold. One of the women who approached me actually intercepted me while I was walking across the lounge to approach a different woman. That meeting led to my second longest relationship.

[jen1447]

In almost every case of me asking a guy out, it had been planned, something I had dwelled on and gone over in my head to make sure I did it right.

That pretty much just guarantees you won't do it right. You just need to learn a few skills is all hon. And I don't mean lines or acts. Moreso just how to flex when the time is right!

[Phoe]

Don't let one rejection make you feel embarrassed or afraid of asking out a guy again! How did that guy reject you? Did he tell you you're weird, did he tell you to fk off? I mean, what did he say or do to make you feel this afraid to 'never' ask out another guy again? Hopefully, he wasn't a douche and he respectfully and politely declined your offer for a date. I know for me, I wouldn't give up that easily. Now, if I had a LOT of rejections (like what happens to some guys when they ask a woman out), I might feel embarrassed and hesitant to do it again.

 

@Jen: YES! We get what we want when we have the balls to ask for it or to go after it. Standing around waiting for something to happen isn't a very effective or reasonable way for me to attain that which I seek or desire. But, everyone's different with the way they see things and the way they approach it.

 

 

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Oh it wasn't one rejection, it is more about a dozen over the past 8 years or so. I should've caught on more quickly that I definitely was NOT doing myself any favors.

 

 

The reactions were anything from downright insults, to a pat on the head (THAT was really demeaning), to a polite thanks but no thanks. It varied.

 

 

That pretty much just guarantees you won't do it right. You just need to learn a few skills is all hon. And I don't mean lines or acts. Moreso just how to flex when the time is right!

 

 

Yup, if there's one thing I learned, it's that the last attempt I ever made, totally spur of the moment, that was the one that went the best, despite the rejection. He was polite about it, and I walked away feeling only a slight sting, instead of feeling totally cut down.

 

 

Thinking about it beforehand lets me build up too much anticipation, and then the let down sucks.

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Oh it wasn't one rejection, it is more about a dozen over the past 8 years or so. I should've caught on more quickly that I definitely was NOT doing myself any favors.

 

 

The reactions were anything from downright insults, to a pat on the head (THAT was really demeaning), to a polite thanks but no thanks. It varied.

 

A dozen rejections? C'mon, I find that hard to believe Phoe! I've seen your pic, you're pretty! And, you're intelligent and can carry a conversation! I mean, I just don't understand...a rejection rate like that would be indicative that it's the way you're delivering the offer that's getting you rejected. Can you give me some examples of the things you've said to guys you've asked out over the years, so I can get an idea of your approach style? Sorry, but I just don't understand a pretty woman like you getting rejected THAT much. It doesn't make sense.

 

Oh, and if a guy was enough of an *$$**** to "pat" me on my head???OMG...I would've slapped his hand away from my head so fking HARD that it would've left a black and blue mark on it! It would've just been a visceral reaction on my part.

 

 

 

Yup, if there's one thing I learned, it's that the last attempt I ever made, totally spur of the moment, that was the one that went the best, despite the rejection. He was polite about it, and I walked away feeling only a slight sting, instead of feeling totally cut down.

 

 

Thinking about it beforehand lets me build up too much anticipation, and then the let down sucks.

 

Yep. DON'T think about it the next time you do it (and yes, there WILL be a NEXT TIME, Phoe)! Don't let guys with whom you've successfully dodged a bullet to discourage you from going after what you want. Now, don't do a cold approach - but I mean, if you're dating on an OLD site, meet up with the guy FIRST before you ask him out.

 

And, only ask him out IF you're REALLY into him (you think he's cute or hot) and IF you're attracted to his personality - the reason I say this is because, when you're REALLY into him, your balls will suddenly take over your brain and words will flow out of your mouth with such fluidity and charisma that the guy WILL pick up on it and he'll gladly accept your offer and be flattered at the same time.

 

 

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[Phoe]

BOZG, I don't wanna devolve this thread, but a few months back I posted a thread about it. At the time I was feeling really crappy, was still reeling from a breakup, and generally was acting quite defeated, and it shows... don't mind my attitude in that thread, lol, it's not so great.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/502832-how-does-woman-succesfully-approach-man-7.html

 

 

Page 7, post 93 has a few examples. Some were more subtle, some were less subtle.

 

 

ALL of them, I can definitely agree, were me doing something wrong, either in the way I was doing it, or who I was doing it to.

 

 

But, I'm not currently looking to do any approaching of my own! So my posts here are solely for being informative for the OP, rather than get any particular advice for myself

[SawtoothMars]

BOZG, I don't wanna devolve this thread, but a few months back I posted a thread about it. At the time I was feeling really crappy, was still reeling from a breakup, and generally was acting quite defeated, and it shows... don't mind my attitude in that thread, lol, it's not so great.

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/transitioning/search/502832-how-does-woman-succesfully-approach-man-7.html

Page 7, post 93 has a few examples. Some were more subtle, some were less subtle.

ALL of them, I can definitely agree, were me doing something wrong, either in the way I was doing it, or who I was doing it to.

But, I'm not currently looking to do any approaching of my own! So my posts here are solely for being informative for the OP, rather than get any particular advice for myself

 

Phoe... I sometimes don't know what to say to you, because seeing your posts are just jarring to me. It makes me feel like a cryptozoologist viewing a live unicorn.

 

You are clearly pretty... and yet struggle to get male interest. You are intelligent and witty at times. You don't seem socially awkward. I just don't get it.

 

I don't understand how your situation is possible. Maybe you live in California or something.

 

Either way. Don't give up! I wish I could introduce you to my cousin. He would go NUTS for a girl like you!

[Phoe]

Phoe... I sometimes don't know what to say to you, because seeing your posts are just jarring to me. It makes me feel like a cryptozoologist viewing a live unicorn.

 

You are clearly pretty... and yet struggle to get male interest. You are intelligent and witty at times. You don't seem socially awkward. I just don't get it.

 

I don't understand how your situation is possible. Maybe you live in California or something.

 

Either way. Don't give up! I wish I could introduce you to my cousin. He would go NUTS for a girl like you!

 

 

 

I have my good and bad times, yes, but all in all I'm just a normal average person. YES I do believe California has a bit of an odd dynamic at times, but all in all, I'm still just a normal person.

 

 

I'm not given up at all, in fact I'm feeling rather positive right now. I'm actually talking lately with someone who expressed interest in me, and perhaps something good will happen from it

[BlackOpsZombieGirl]

Phoe... I sometimes don't know what to say to you, because seeing your posts are just jarring to me. It makes me feel like a cryptozoologist viewing a live unicorn.

 

You are clearly pretty... and yet struggle to get male interest. You are intelligent and witty at times. You don't seem socially awkward. I just don't get it.

 

I don't understand how your situation is possible. Maybe you live in California or something.

 

Either way. Don't give up! I wish I could introduce you to my cousin. He would go NUTS for a girl like you!

 

I know, right?! None of this makes any sense to me - unless all of the guys she has asked out on a date or flirted with were ALL douchebags, which I mean, could be possible!

 

 

 

 

@Phoe: I read your old thread.

 

The first one, I definitely didn't flirt with, as I was complete chicken around him. His reason for rejecting me was "she looks like a dude". That was a bad time.

 

Is he fkn serious?!? What the hell is wrong with him? Maybe his vision is impaired, idk!! I doubt the way you look in the pic you've posted here has changed very much since the past 8 years. What a LOSER!

 

 

 

Next, was a guy who told me I was cute. I started flirting with him Everytime I saw him, touching his arm or shoulder, complimenting him. One day when he walked in I went up to him and complimented his hat, and he sorta just snapped at me and told me to leave him alone. Never talked to him again.

 

Another *$$****!!! Wow. Where the fk are you finding these morons? What state do you live in?

 

 

 

The next one I was also bold with while flirting, I often told him I thought he was very attractive. His rejection was that I was too easy and that I need to be a play harder to get in the future.

 

There's NOTHING wrong with what you did or said to him, maybe other than telling him often that you thought he was hot. I mean, I wasn't there while you did it, so I didn't see your body language, facial expression or the way you made eye contact with him while you flirted with him; but I'm pretty sure you were normal with the way you did it. "Too EASY"?? Just because you flirted with him? WOW. What a PRUDE...and a PRICK! And then on top of that, he tells you to "play harder to get in the future"?? Like he's some "prize" for you to "play harder" TO??? Omg.

 

 

 

The next one I flirted with, he flirted back, we hooked up for a while and started acting coupley. I asked him out, officially, and he said no. Got used! This was the experience that prompted me to never hook up outside of a relationship.

 

Yeah, he apparently thought you were good enough to sleep with but wouldn't even GO OUT on a DATE with a woman he was INTIMATE with??? Seriously?!

 

 

 

I was talking and flirting with a guy, he complimented my pedicure. A few minutes later a group of people paired off and headed to an upstairs loft to sorta hang out. Some people were cuddled up and it was an intimate setting. I went up and I don't remember exactly what I said, but I went to sit next to him and sorta teased him a bit like "hey you tried to sneak up here without me?" And gave him a cheeky smile and wink. He turned and said something along the lines of "stop bugging me, I don't like you". I immediately left and spent the rest of the evening out on the balcony waiting for my friends to be ready to leave.

 

So, this *$$**** compliments you on your pedi, then a few minutes later when you sit next to him and flirt with him, he tells you to 'stop bugging him'?? This makes him even MORE of a douche! Why would he compliment you (a form of FLIRTING, hello?) and then diss you when you flirt back? Jesus. No wonder you're discouraged!

 

The next time you flirt with a guy or ask him out, you'll have to make sure that he's into you. And I don't mean if a guy compliments you or makes a half-a$$ed attempt at flirting with you. I mean - wait until he makes an UNMISTAKABLE SIGN (or signs) that he's into you before you move in for the kill. The reason I'm saying this is because, it seems that the guys in your area are fkn RETARDS and DOUCHEBAGS and that there aren't that many viable and DECENT guys where you live.

 

 

Oh, and don't worry about derailing my thread with us talking about what you've done regarding the topic of this discussion, okay? This is MY thread!

 

 

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[Phoe]

 

The next time you flirt with a guy or ask him out, you'll have to make sure that he's into you. And I don't mean if a guy compliments you or makes a half-a$$ed attempt at flirting with you. I mean - wait until he makes an UNMISTAKABLE SIGN (or signs) that he's into you before you move in for the kill. The reason I'm saying this is because, it seems that the guys in your area are fkn RETARDS and DOUCHEBAGS and that there aren't that many viable and DECENT guys where you live.

 

 

Oh, and don't worry about derailing my thread with us talking about what you've done regarding the topic of this discussion, okay? This is MY thread!

 

 

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OOPS total space out and forgot that this was your thread, for some reason I thought I was on the other thread about women approaching, and got myself all mixed up. Sorry.

 

 

The first 2 approaches were high school. Sometimes guys then are really dickish, and then later grow out of it. The one who said I looked like a dude eventually took part in some bullying that some older guys at school were putting me through, but was actually a bit kinder to me during interactions in later years. I assume most of them have matured since, and a handful of them either apologized after high school or at least managed to look sheepish about their past douche behaviors. I wasn't exactly popular in high school, was definitely bullied, so I can see how any guy who gets asked out by that girl might react with venom in haste, so as not to subject himself to any negative attention, but then of course, years later, sees that it really was just crappy.

 

 

The pat on the head guy was just a complete ass all around and a week later tried to hook up with my friend, really just made me question why the hell I paid a minute of attention to him. Gross... blegh.

 

 

The guy who gave me a compliment, I kinda wonder if he was just trying to make another girl jealous. I don't think he had interest in me, but was trying to poke and prod at another girl in the room, and when I took it the wrong way he wanted to be sure to get me away from him. I was a wee bit buzzed and overly bold, it happens...