I will confront my ex-gf about her affair!Wish me luck!

[Chi townD]

This is so weird, i feel like i am losing the battle against him.I feel like in an competition.Like if he stays with her more than she did with me i feel like i lose? Wtf i even think about this now? By staying in active with her i feel like i would not be under him yet. Like i would still have some impact? And i wouldn't lose the battle yet?

 

yeah i think i just said a lot of crap and i'm delirious but these are my actual thoughts right now and i bet my future self will be disgusted by the emotional 'state i'm in right now. And the truth is i am selfish, i would probably afford losing him easier than her .I just feel like i will lose her completely and my stupid mind can't stop remembering memories of her . I still have so many things to talk to her.. to say and share with her, but she probably wouldn't give a shiet! WHY is it so hard letting go of someone who doesn't respect or care about me at all?

 

 

You feel like you're in competition with him? Okay, fine! I can tell you already that you've already won! You found out what kind of people that they truly are. He didn't win. He's stuck with a girl that has no regard for peoples feelings and has no problem walking all over whoever she wants to get her selfish needs met.

 

 

But, you want to take this competition even further? Then start doing the things I listed to you a couple of page ago! Start making those positive changes! Here's the rub. You can't control what they do. Therefore, take control of the only thing you DO have control over and that's YOU! Get your revenge and turn your life around! Will they ever see the positive changes you've made? Maybe.. But, those positive changes are for YOU and not for them. Make positive changes with NC and one day I promise you're going to wake up one day and NOT CARE! Because your life is going to be so awesome that you won't want to revisit a time in your life that made you feel miserable.

 

 

That's how you win.

[SycamoreCircle]

This sort of mental tug-of-war you're going through is very natural. LS'ers are going to take everything you say and hold it to the cold light of day. But this is all part of the process. You're starting to see the truth.

 

And the truth is that she is not a prize and your friend is no winner. Your ex is as guilty as your friend. He is not the bad guy and she is not the damsel. No way, nohow. They are two selfish people that are currently enraptured with one another. When the thrills wear off, both of them will have to contend with the hurt they dealt you. It may not be anytime soon. You all sound like kids. But when they're in their mid-30's and they hit some particular low point in life, this will surface. I promise you. We all have to pay the piper for our extravagances, our rebellion against The Golden Rule. It's part of growing up.

 

Keep fighting with this. But you, like every other person, have a strong instinct for survival and that is going to lead you out of this dark valley. Otherwise, you'd just wilt and die. But you have too much heart for that.

 

Consider it like this: imagine this were a movie. There's three characters. The cheating, deceitful girlfriend. The two-faced best-friend. And the honest, hopeful and yearning lover.

 

Which character would you most empathize with? Which character would you choose to be, even if he "loses" in the end?

[AdamantyumKrystal]

Time to take back your dignity. She is not the prize, you are. Any friend that would fu*k your girlfriend is no friend, get rid of him, he doesn't deserve one more moment of your time. Let him have your leftovers because that is all she should be to you now.

 

They are plotting against you, they are two against you, they are turning your friendship into a joke. You can't control their actions but you sure as hell can control yours. You can take yourself out of this drama anytime you want yet you keep putting your self in the line of fire, stop it right now. Cheating, lying and deceitful women make very poor girlfriends. If you want to really fu*k up your life and go back for more hurt than she is the perfect girlfriend. She has proven that she is more than willing to cheat on you if the opportunity presents itself and she thinks she can get away with it. This girl is tainted, your friend must think your a complete fool for taking her back. How smug do you think he felt knowing your girlfriend left you to go have sex with him?

 

Put her to the curb, block them both, go dark on them. Stop putting your good energy on bad sh*t, move on, you will have a better and more rewarding life without deceitful people like them in it.

 

how smug he is?? i thought about this too and i'm afraid he could come to me one day and mock me straight to my face of what nasty things he did to her and other ugly facts which i don't wanna know.Sincerely i wouldn't know how to react.I would most probably don' answer anything and walk away. I told him once to text her an message like : I don't want to be with you so stop contacting me.You might do to me aswell as you did to my friend and from now on you will not hear of me again." Obviously he denied to send the text saying to me I am asking him to do the impossible, how blind i was back then to not realise he's already seeing her!

THAT'S IT MAN! HE wants to be with an loveless unstable cheater? FINE! he may have her and he may bring Doom upon himself alone. Because i know, and trust me i know that one day she will leave him like she left me and he will suffer much more than i did and he will be desperate to get some closure and the only person who might help him would be me coz they are "hidden" and he has noone else to complain to.He will come back crying and begging for forgiveness telling me how right i was and how stupid he has been and then... THen... i will see what i am going to do next. He's never had an girlfriend either and now he thinks he's on the top of the world and that he can do whatever he wants desconsidering other's opinions and feelings. Surprisish surprise he will have when the knife he was twisting in my back will be the same knife i will pull out of him!

 

People who lack empathy are dangerous... But people who lack empathy and enjoy it are far above "dangerous".

[wizer]

They are plotting against you, they are two against you, they are turning your friendship into a joke.

 

Don't feed into it.

 

He's pissed off enough as it is.

[AdamantyumKrystal]

 

Consider it like this: imagine this were a movie. There's three characters. The cheating, deceitful girlfriend. The two-faced best-friend. And the honest, hopeful and yearning lover.

 

Which character would you most empathize with? Which character would you choose to be, even if he "loses" in the end?

 

I swear to the moon and back i started crying man... that was really deep! thank you for all the kinds words and usefull advices :(

[Chi townD]

So, I'm curious. What's your game plan now?

[AdamantyumKrystal]

Even a pet rock would leave with more dignity.

 

good-one. =)) I am getting more closer and closer to hit the block button. And once i will click on it... there will be no turning back! Not anymore! I will answer no more to either of them and i shall go cold turkey! The bigger problem will be avoiding them at all costs and ignoring them when i bump into 'em and explaining again to everyone that i am not friends with him anymore.. AGAIN. I can;t believe i made all of these efforts of trying to give them both another chance and they screwed it up! From human point of view i did everything i could to accept them and understand them but this time.. this time they ruined everything and shiet on all of my struggles and my sincerity/kindness. I honestly tried to remain friends with them and show them i don't hate them or hold a grudge , and i am done this time. i will not break NC this time around though. AAAAND if they try to harass me or mock me i will threaten of making them public! Coz i have nothing to lose anymore from this soap opera.

[AdamantyumKrystal]

You feel like you're in competition with him? Okay, fine! I can tell you already that you've already won! You found out what kind of people that they truly are. He didn't win. He's stuck with a girl that has no regard for peoples feelings and has no problem walking all over whoever she wants to get her selfish needs met.

 

 

But, you want to take this competition even further? Then start doing the things I listed to you a couple of page ago! Start making those positive changes! Here's the rub. You can't control what they do. Therefore, take control of the only thing you DO have control over and that's YOU! Get your revenge and turn your life around! Will they ever see the positive changes you've made? Maybe.. But, those positive changes are for YOU and not for them. Make positive changes with NC and one day I promise you're going to wake up one day and NOT CARE! Because your life is going to be so awesome that you won't want to revisit a time in your life that made you feel miserable.

 

 

That's how you win.

 

THx man.. you showed me who the real winner is here! I seriously can't wait for that day to come when i will feel free and full of hope like i always was! i cannot wait.. after i've made up my mind i already start feeling more relieved slowly step by step.

It's just that from now on i think LS will get tired of me since i will start posting everywhere and anywhere so i can keep my mind clear/focused on the actual goal of NC and have support to lean on.

[AdamantyumKrystal]

Did your ex gf tell you this as well? If not she will when and if you confront her. If she doesn't say it, she'll be thinking it for sure.

 

She doesn't owe you anything. If she wants to talk badly about you or lie to you she's got that right. If she wants to screw your old buddy or any other guy, she can do that too. There's no laws against it. You don't own her, stop acting like you do.

IF you're the guy in the avatar pic i must say u are an really bored-old-man.(no ofense it just i found it funny that older man are surfing boards like these )

 

I am not quite sure how many times she said that to me but i guess she said it even though i can't remember quite well. Truth is i talked bad about her too but... it was the truth, i only said she acts like a slut and slowly turn into one because this how she seems and behaves like.I couldn't find another adequate word for what she is doing.IF she wouldn't had done what she has done then i would've never said these things about her.(she kissed dudes while drunk at parties,after BU ofc)

[wizer]

if they try to harass me or mock me i will threaten of making them public!

 

What do you mean make them public? Are they hiding their relationship from people? If so, why do you think they're doing that?

[Jessie1231]

IF you're the guy in the avatar pic i must say u are an really bored-old-man.(no ofense it just i found it funny that older man are surfing boards like these )

 

I am not quite sure how many times she said that to me but i guess she said it even though i can't remember quite well. Truth is i talked bad about her too but... it was the truth, i only said she acts like a slut and slowly turn into one because this how she seems and behaves like.I couldn't find another adequate word for what she is doing.IF she wouldn't had done what she has done then i would've never said these things about her.(she kissed dudes while drunk at parties,after BU ofc)

 

Really? You're the one in the middle of a meltdown but you can take a break from that long enough to attempt an insult at someone trying to help you? And just because you preface a sentence with "no offense" doesn't make it less offensive.

[wizer]

Really? You're the one in the middle of a meltdown but you can take a break from that long enough to attempt an insult at someone trying to help you? And just because you preface a sentence with "no offense" doesn't make it less offensive.

 

You can start to see the reasons why she dumped him.

[AdamantyumKrystal]

Really? You're the one in the middle of a meltdown but you can take a break from that long enough to attempt an insult at someone trying to help you? And just because you preface a sentence with "no offense" doesn't make it less offensive.

 

From my troll point of view i don't see it as an insult... :v cmo'n his pic is funny enough to make me attempt an joke,LOL. I mean the man was clearly bored when he made it =)) It's my right to joke around when something seems funny and not disrespectul or harmful ! lady, if you forgot your joke metter turned off tonight i advise you to turn it on!

 

I eulogized all of my positive parts but you have to know that i am also an imperfect human being which may be rude and make mistakes very often due to lack of experience,imaturitty according to current age/estate and i apologise if u felt ofensed about my remark on his current avatar xD

[TunaCat]

AAAAND if they try to harass me or mock me i will threaten of making them public!

 

That would not be classy at all. I mean, come ON dude. You're better than that.

[AdamantyumKrystal]

You can start to see the reasons why she dumped him.

 

What can i do? i can't help it not to make silly jokes in crucial moments! and.. she already knows what u've just said since she admitted that my half-assed jokes we're bugging her. But that is not an reason to dump someone since i am working on it! Now if you're that sensible that my mere words offended you i apologise and i ask you understand that u're talking with an dumby-stumby young brat from a different generation who feels that is ok to cheer up the atmosphere after all the negativity and resentment has been dealt and discussed here...

[AdamantyumKrystal]

That would not be classy at all. I mean, come ON dude. You're better than that.

 

Yeah i know i am better than that but can't i have one lil momment of jeer too?

Actually you may be right and i am just too exhilarated about all of this. That was just an suggestion anyways not a proposal. And i guess everything i say makes perfect sense.

Edited April 21, 2015 by AdamantyumKrystal

[AdamantyumKrystal]

RAndom fact: This last time i reconciled with him he told me that if a friendship lasts more than 7 years than it will last a lifetime.(guess he was hoping to be friends with me again) but seriously now? how could he say that to me and behing my back he was SEXING my ex? What an ephemeral human.

[DrReplyInRhymes]

RAndom fact: This last time i reconciled with him he told me that if a friendship lasts more than 7 years than it will last a lifetime.(guess he was hoping to be friends with me again) but seriously now? how could he say that to me and behing my back he was SEXING my ex? What an ephemeral human.

 

Let it go, be done with the drama and rage,

It won't get you anywhere in this day and age,

Focus on your hobbies, your friends, and your fam,

Look past the small minded people, don't give them a damn.

[SycamoreCircle]

I swear to the moon and back i started crying man... that was really deep! thank you for all the kinds words and usefull advices :(

Crying is good. In fact, I read a self-help book after my BU that instructs you on how to activate your own crying. You begin heaving with your breaths becoming shorter and more accelerated. It is necessary. It releases toxins. It gets you closer to where you need to be. Allow yourself to connect with all of your feelings. I strangled the f*** out of my pillow. Find something of little value and destroy it. RAGE!!! Yell, punch, kick, destroy sh*t. Throw yourself on the floor and weep like a miserable maggot. All of this gets the poison out of you. And WRITE. Write to save your life. You've probably never felt anything as close to the bone as this, so express it. Write a letter to that piece of sh*t, lame a** excuse of a friend! Don't settle for tired expressions of what you think of his betrayal, find the expression that is specific to you, to your feelings for him. Same goes for Ms. Priss---burn her alive in writing! Keep these documents close to your bed. Read them when you feel yourself weakening.

 

Listen, I'm a year NC and I still find words expressed by people on LS frightfully compelling and sure enough to keep me one step closer to healing and wholeness. This takes a lot out of you. No doubt about that. You can beat this. You are in a jagged, blacked out cave right now. There is little air. But you're going to find the light and get out of this!

[wizer]

What can i do? i can't help it not to make silly jokes in crucial moments! and.. she already knows what u've just said since she admitted that my half-assed jokes we're bugging her. But that is not an reason to dump someone since i am working on it! Now if you're that sensible that my mere words offended you i apologise and i ask you understand that u're talking with an dumby-stumby young brat from a different generation who feels that is ok to cheer up the atmosphere after all the negativity and resentment has been dealt and discussed here...

 

It's no surprise that your "half assed jokes" as you put it, were bugging her. It's also no surprise that you've been unable to restrain yourself despite her repeatedly asking you to stop, and it's also no surprise that you think it's ok to speak to other people like this because it somehow "clears the negativity in the atmosphere".

 

By the way, this has nothing to do with me and whether or not I found what you said to be offensive, it has to do with your continued inability to see that your way of communicating with other people continues to cause you a boatload of problems.

 

Stop making excuses for yourself and start listening to what other people are telling you.

[SheleftmeforMichael]

Wow, what a thread...that was a painful read.

 

AdamantyumKrystal, I hope your mind clears soon and that you heed the good advice given in this thread one day.

 

After reading your first post, I really related to your situation/story as I went through something similar.

 

After my break up with my ex who I had been with for about 3 years, I was still emotionally attached to her and obsessing about her and what she was doing and who she was with. I, too, saw my ex hook up with a co worker she swore up and down were "just good friends" with my own eyes at his apartment...though I did my spying through a private detective instead of being their personally. I put this into action because I have a very strong sense of justice in me and I really grew tired of the lies and excuses she would give me and just wanted to know the truth with concrete proof. I don't know to this day whether she was just trying to protect my feelings or just not have to admit anything.

 

Despite the red flags and gut feeling, I thought I just needed to see this.

I thought this would give me the closure I needed and put the nail in the coffin in regards to the feelings I had with her. It didn't. I still found myself wanting her back despite seeing what I saw and wanting to reconcile. It was crazy thinking and if anything...watching the videos of them hooking up that were given to me drove me insane. I really became obsessed.

 

I never got her back. I just ended looking extremely weak in her eyes in my attempts to plead with her that I ended up pushing her further away into the direction of of that other guy and hurting her. I lost allot of self respect and dignity doing that. It made me depressed

 

The video I saw of my ex and what you saw that day shouldn't be used as weapons. They should be thought of as a reminder/wake up call that your ex was not the person you were meant to be with and nothing more.

 

I never used what I had procured against her either. I never brought it up and threw it in her face that I saw the truth. Just as others had said in this thread, if I did bring up what I had, I would have ended up looking like the biggest "creeper/stalker" and she would have easily turned the argument upon me and would further lead to losing what dignity and self respect I had left. Don't do that to yourself. You won't win in that scenario.

 

Instead, there came a point where I just got tired of being sad and in the dumps about the whole situation and took a good look at myself and asked

"Do I want to get out of this slump or do I just want to stay stuck in it forever? Where do I want to spend my time?" Ask yourself these questions. If you want to get out of this slump, then you will really need to commit to it. You will really need to want it and begin heeding the advice given in this thread and start using the NC guide again in this forum. Follow it strictly. It will help you.

 

Let go of the relationships you had with your ex and the person she got involved with. Let what you saw that day serve as a reminder that your time is better spent elsewhere. Look the other way and do not speak to them unless an emergency is warranted. You don't want to be friends with people who deceive you. It's common sense. Not to mention, its hard as it is trying to be friends with an ex. I tried and I failed and went straight NC to heal. You should be doing the same and begin to focus on the person that matters: YOU.

 

With time and hard work you will come to the acceptance that this relationship is done/finished and no more of your time should even be spent on it. It's in the past and that is where it should stay.

 

Of course, cherish the good times you had with your ex as most likely she did at one point bring happiness in your life....but do not forget the bad times either. Learn from them. They will be reminders of things to stay clear of from our future partner whoever it may be and will help define what we want in our future partner when the opportunity presents itself.

[AdamantyumKrystal]

Starting from today i will not contact any of 'em anymore and now i rlly have to work on a way to avoid them him mostly since he's everywhere and i have to give and explanation for my behaviour to all of my friends again.I mean they we're all happy and glad i forgave him and gave him another chance but if they would know what i know they would understand why this soap opera can't go on anymore but ofc they don't need to know it so i' still thinking what to say.

 

I stil don't know what exactly i should do next time when one of 'em will contact me.She will contact me most probably thru texts and email i know for sure i won't reply to that and i think he will call me . Now this is where i have no idea how to respond :-?

 

Random fact again: Can you imagine one time when her close bf was dealing with a hard time with her bf and almost broke-up my not so friendly ex asked me to hook up and be togheter with her best-friend which really going to a hard time too.Instead of being there for her friend(only close friend she has) she was telling me to hook-up with her . My opinion is that she was trying to alleviate some of the guilt of being with my best-friend if i would've be with her best-friend too?! Tthiss lack of empathy is disturbing

 

Random fact 2: When younger her mother had an affair(2-3 yrs) too which almost ruined her family and got her dad to turn into an alcoholic . After several attempts that alcoholic dad managed to keep and save the whole family from separating. Could this be one of the motives for her lack of empathy? She hates her whole family including herself and has serious self-esteem issues. Growing-up in a almost-broken family doesn't seem as the best way for a teen to develop an safe-emotional self. And somehow his situation was almost the same only in this case his dad cheated on his mom many times. No wonder these people don't have the necesarry maturity for any kind of relationship.

[elaine567]

... Tthiss lack of empathy is disturbing

 

Random fact 2: When younger her mother had an affair(2-3 yrs) too which almost ruined her family and got her dad to turn into an alcoholic . After several attempts that alcoholic dad managed to keep and save the whole family from separating. Could this be one of the motives for her lack of empathy? She hates her whole family including herself and has serious self-esteem issues. Growing-up in a almost-broken family doesn't seem as the best way for a teen to develop an safe-emotional self. And somehow his situation was almost the same only in this case his dad cheated on his mom many times. No wonder these people don't have the necesarry maturity for any kind of relationship.

 

Lack of empathy is a serious personality trait seen usually in narcissists and psychopaths, BUT it seems to get hurled around these forums when people break up.

It is not general lack of empathy I guess, it is a perceived lack of empathy by the dumper towards the dumpee, which is a far different thing.

 

Then, we on LS get the "she was mad and crazy", "she had personality issues"...

Stop diagnosing her.

SHE could be an angel or the devil; that should make no difference to YOU.

SHE DUMPED YOU SIX MONTHS AGO.

SHE should no longer matter to you, you need to change for your own good and stop obsessing about HER. and make this all about YOU moving forward.

[AdamantyumKrystal]

Stop diagnosing her.

SHE could be an angel or the devil; that should make no difference to YOU.

SHE DUMPED YOU SIX MONTHS AGO.

SHE should no longer matter to you, you need to change for your own good and stop obsessing about HER. and make this all about YOU moving forward.

 

Well i will stop that ofc but first i have to resolve these issues that haunt my thoughts day and night.I just need to answer myself to these questions 'till i clear my mind and be myself-centered again. That is how i did first time when i went NC.After these new events it seems i have more work to do than the first time and i have to take time for myself and myself-only.I have to set some answers in my mind before i can finally move on,i will "find" these answers and after analyzing all the facts and see clearly eveerything for what it actually is.After a period of time my mind will eventually stop working on all of these issues and by then i will know i am out of the emotional estate and i can finally have the closure i always wanted.

 

But till then i have to drain myself out of all these "burdens" and resolve all my uncertainties . Everyone has their own different unique way of coping, well this is how i will cope with!

[Simon Phoenix]

Well i will stop that ofc but first i have to resolve these issues that haunt my thoughts day and night.I just need to answer myself to these questions 'till i clear my mind and be myself-centered again. That is how i did first time when i went NC.After these new events it seems i have more work to do than the first time and i have to take time for myself and myself-only.I have to set some answers in my mind before i can finally move on,i will "find" these answers and after analyzing all the facts and see clearly eveerything for what it actually is.After a period of time my mind will eventually stop working on all of these issues and by then i will know i am out of the emotional estate and i can finally have the closure i always wanted.

 

But till then i have to drain myself out of all these "burdens" and resolve all my uncertainties . Everyone has their own different unique way of coping, well this is how i will cope with!

 

It's a waste of your time, time that needs to be spent recovering and getting yourself together. Closure comes from within, not from finding out dirt about your ex and your friend. Your closure is that your ex is gone and has been gone for six months. The more you stupidly try to chase these answers, the more crazy you'll act and the more pain you'll find.

 

Stop chasing answers, stop making ridiculously foolish excuses to stay in contact. All you've done for 10 pages is give excuse after excuse after excuse for why you are acting crazy and for why you are keeping contact with these people. Stop with the excuses and go No Contact. No more arguing, no more trying to find things out, STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!