If a man's love is based on looks, why should I get married?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

LOL!!! I'd have been relatively happy with a hand job once a month and a microwave hot dog now and again. Meals and bjs... yeah, right!

 

This is exactly what I was talking about. Joking or no, not every man has such horrendously low standards and still, having such low standards being met doesn't mean you have a happy marriage.

[thefooloftheyear]

Just about everything we do in life is going to involve some level of risk..This is no different..

 

I don't think people know enough about themselves before selecting a potential partner...Then, if they wind up together, they(men or women) wind up ignoring the things that made the person attractive to them in the first place..

 

Because it was brought up by the OP, a man shouldn't be condemned if a woman's beauty or her attractive body is what captivated them...Why women think this is such a crime, ill never know...Just about every man ever born was biologically driven to be attracted to the female form...Its not even something we can control, in many cases...

 

If you are a woman and have some awareness of this, then why would it be so hard to take care of yourself? I mean, it would benefit you and keep peace in your home..The overwhelming majority of guys aren't going to desert a good woman because she exhibits the normal wear a tear of aging, but just about everyone can keep themselves looking nice...It does take some work, but it can be done..

 

At the end of the day. its still all a risk..About the only thing you can do is stack the odds in your favor, but beyond that its still a bit of a crap shoot..

 

TFY

[salparadise]

Most of the time people stopped being functionally married a long time before someone strays or files. Just in my observation.

 

I believe this is true. Men don't leave because of looks. Men leave when the key ingredients that hold marriages together aren't being tended. Respect and affection being the biggies. Take care of these two ingredients and a man will stay until hell freezes over.

 

Most men are pretty simple, slightly more complex than houseplants. If you give us food, water (beer, bourbon) and sex, we're basically OK.

 

And the food and water are somewhat optional.

[loveweary11]

Looks fade, and if I loved somebody, I wouldn't them to stay a second longer than he wanted. If a man's love for me is tightly connected to his desire for my body, then marriage over the long term seems like a bad bet. I wouldn't trust it enough to make it the centerpiece of my identity, nor reason to sacrifice other long-term dreams. I think having a family with a man is one thing, but that takes maybe 1.5 - 2 decades, not a lifetime.

 

You're misunderstanding how men work (or at least what I know about myself).

 

We only start off falling for girls based on looks. I'm realky, really focused on them for some reason. I'm always picking, literally the hottest girls on the planet, for better or worse in my life. (probably a big mistake)

 

What happens is I date or hang out with them and have all the fun and excitement, but one will rise to the top. One has more than looks. One will have compatibility, a good heart inside and be someone I click with.

 

Once that happens, it's over. I'm done. I'm head over heels at that point.

 

There is no amount of aging that could reverse those deeper feelings.

 

I'm going to go back to my ex wife a moment. Before it was messed up, I though about how I'd be with her forever, no matter what.

 

She was pretty damn close to my ideal of beauty and was what I'd consider one of the hottest on the planet. 5'1", almost 100lbs of pure curve creating muscle, very pretty face, Italian with very dark, almost black eyes and hair. Flawless skin, etc. Was in some tv commercials, was miss teen NY, was on a couple reality TV shows. (as is one of the girls Im seeing now, oddly)

 

Looks drew me in, but she was soooo cool. So different from other girls. So utterly compatible. So fun to be with. We could talk for a weekend straight and never get tired of it. We had similar weird views in life. We enjoyed a lot of thre same things and had similar interests.

 

So, I eventually proposed. I imagined how in time, her looks would fade. That she'd look like her mom and grandmother and I felt I'd only live her more and more.

 

Once you are truly in love, you don't care what she looks like. She could have lost all her limbs and become scarred and disfigured and I'd live her just the same.

 

Beauty only gets the ball rolling in the early stages. The strong stuff comes in after it. Once the strong stuff kicks in, nothing matters anymore.

[carhill]

If a man's love is based on looks, why should I get married?

 

To enjoy the benefits of the legal partnership until the next man whose love is based on looks comes along and provides a more enticing deal. If you accept men for who they are and use it to benefit yourself you can have some quite enjoyable, profitable and varied experiences in life. Life itself is transitory (we all die) so enjoy it to the full. If men covet you for looks, there will always be another along shortly if the current one no longer does, even when you get old and wrinkled. It goes on every day.

 

I glean this perspective both from having been married to someone with this philosophy as well as the wonderful volumes of data and anecdotes the internet provides to our fingertips. When I see how few women who are widely coveted for their looks maintain lifelong marriages, I find myself drawn to examining why the many who serially marry did/do so. It's still a work in progress. My main takeaway is that, generally, sometime in their 50's, these widely coveted women appear to settle in for their last marriage, some with three or four behind them, then live with that partner until one or the other is dead. This makes sense, more so now that I'm in my mid-50's and see how the aging process works on a day to day basis. Age and illness (and death in some cases) have really taken a toll on older friends and I'm beginning to see the signs in myself as well. Dollars to donuts none of my current social circle will get divorced in their lifetimes now, though nearly all have been divorced one or two (some three) times prior. With age, change is often less enticing than as a younger person, even if we still feel young and vital and all those eternal things.

 

IMO, the key is to pick a confluence of maximized looks, age, social power and financial security and go for it. Yeah, the man might base his love on looks but, if you pick right, the confluence of the other factors will keep him in the milieu unless you queer up the deal and leave yourself. If you're young, don't worry about this until you're my age, rather just enjoy men, marry whom you please and divorce them if things go sideways. Why? It works.

[autumnnight]

You really think?

 

No, not only is that statistic inflated by about 20%, we don't know WHY these women filed, so it's a ridiculous assertion.

 

And if you take care of yourself and do your best to stay healthy, a REAL man would stay with you.

[calvincline47]

All we can do is speculate. To my knowledge, no study has been done on why the divorces were filled, and "irreconcilable differences" could mean anything. No fault states probably don't even have means of tracking that data, simply because the reason is irrelevant.

 

Until more data is gathered, focusing on the why is irrelevant.

 

But the consequences of divorce are very real and easy to determine. All one has to do is read their state laws or consult an attorney. It's typically not good for men, and if their marriage ends, odds are 4 in 5 that his wife will be pulling the plug for whatever reason.

 

That's a concern for us, their reasons notwithstanding.

 

The reason why divorce sucks for men is because:

 

1) Men tend to make more money than women (due to women taking time off to have children).

2) Children are usually awarded to women in the courts.

 

This results in alimony and child support payments, which, ultimately, allow the woman to get rich by doing nothing. In addition, if men do not pay these debts, they are put in debtors prison and are not allowed to leave the country.

 

The way to circumvent this is to marry a woman that makes more than you (and make sure that it continues this way). Also, you must always be ready for the woman to file. If she files, have your ducts in a row and hire a good lawyer. Find a reason why she is an unfit mother and get custody of the children.

 

And wa-la, now you have the kids, alimony, and child support payments coming from her.

 

Though, she will likely not be punished for not paying (since women generally receive much lighter sentences than men for the same crimes), at least YOU will not owe anything.

[toolforgrowth]

The reason why divorce sucks for men is because:

 

1) Men tend to make more money than women (due to women taking time off to have children).

2) Children are usually awarded to women in the courts.

 

This results in alimony and child support payments, which, ultimately, allow the woman to get rich by doing nothing. In addition, if men do not pay these debts, they are put in debtors prison and are not allowed to leave the country.

 

The way to circumvent this is to marry a woman that makes more than you (and make sure that it continues this way). Also, you must always be ready for the woman to file. If she files, have your ducts in a row and hire a good lawyer. Find a reason why she is an unfit mother and get custody of the children.

 

And wa-la, now you have the kids, alimony, and child support payments coming from her.

 

Though, she will likely not be punished for not paying (since women generally receive much lighter sentences than men for the same crimes), at least YOU will not owe anything.

 

That seems like a lot of work, and a little...I don't know...sketchy? Dishonest?

 

I find it much easier to simply never marry. That way I can make all the money I want and just be me without the legal traps involved.

[calvincline47]

That seems like a lot of work, and a little...I don't know...sketchy? Dishonest?

 

I find it much easier to simply never marry. That way I can make all the money I want and just be me without the legal traps involved.

 

Yeah it's a lot of work. But most things are.

 

Sketchy and dishonest? Sure. But this is the world that we live in. If you can't beat em, join em.

 

But I do agree with you that it probably would be better to just not get married. If a man really wants children, there's always egg donation and surrogacy. It'll cost a bit, but at least you can guarantee that you won't lose your kids in divorce court.

[xxoo]

I have no doubt that looks were a huge factor when my H fell in love with me.

 

That was almost 25 years ago, and I've certainly aged. But he would still say that my looks are something he treasures. Not the main reason he loves me, of course, but something that brings him joy.

 

When love is genuine, a man's idea of beauty ages with the woman he loves. He can't help but love her looks

[toolforgrowth]

If you can't beat em, join em.

 

Lol Fair enough. The only incentive women would have to change the laws is if enough of them got taken to cleaners.

[thefooloftheyear]

Lol Fair enough. The only incentive women would have to change the laws is if enough of them got taken to cleaners.

 

It'll never happen, IMO...not in my lifetime anyway....

 

I appreciate and generally like women, and have no issue with feminists and equality, but it is kinda peculiar that progressive and equality minded women tend to ignore the imbalances when it comes to these things...

 

TFY

[preraph]

80% of divorces are file by women. So maybe the problem is the other way around. A guy gets a beer belly and he's toast?

 

They're filed by women because the man is acting like a jackass, not doing his half and cheating.

[preraph]

Looks fade, and if I loved somebody, I wouldn't them to stay a second longer than he wanted. If a man's love for me is tightly connected to his desire for my body, then marriage over the long term seems like a bad bet. I wouldn't trust it enough to make it the centerpiece of my identity, nor reason to sacrifice other long-term dreams. I think having a family with a man is one thing, but that takes maybe 1.5 - 2 decades, not a lifetime.

 

You make a very good point. A lot of guys do marry for a woman's looks. They marry not because they're ready to settle down necessarily but to lock her down so other men can't have her. Then when she loses her youth, they trade her in, if they can, for another, if she hasn't divorced him by then for not being a good husband.

 

So don't marry a guy who you suspect only loves you for your body. Marry a guy who has a history of not just dating gorgeous women with big boobs. Marry a guy who you know has some ethics and who you know at least intends to be faithful once married. Marry a guy who you are dead certain just enjoys your company. Marry a guy who doesn't only tell you he loves you before, during or after sex. Marry a guy who shows he loves you through the everyday routine things like helping you around the house and supporting your dreams and your career and your choices. Marry a man you've known long enough to be certain of those things, and not before. And if you don't find one, don't marry.

[jay1983]

80% is an overwhelming statistic. Sure, I bet some of those women filed for divorce because of infidelity or something just as serious, but all of them? No. I think these days most people just aren't capable of a lifelong commitment, so they eventually get bored and bail. According to the statistics, that will most likely be the woman.

 

That's been my experience with relationships., the novelty eventually wears off. It could be 2 months, 6 months, years, depending on compatibility and how much time is spent together. They get bored and wanna see what else is out there for them.

 

Not all women, yeah yeah, I'm just talking about my own experience.

[Tayla]

Looks fade, and if I loved somebody, I wouldn't them to stay a second longer than he wanted. If a man's love for me is tightly connected to his desire for my body, then marriage over the long term seems like a bad bet. I wouldn't trust it enough to make it the centerpiece of my identity, nor reason to sacrifice other long-term dreams. I think having a family with a man is one thing, but that takes maybe 1.5 - 2 decades, not a lifetime.

 

OP- marriage means different things to different cultures. Some are forced to marry based on their family dynamics. Some persons marry for financial gain, some for family prosperity. It depends.

 

I agree with you though that if the opposite sex or for some the same sex, married for superficial reasons...its ultimately going to wrinkle and fade out.

 

Unsure it would behoove a person to be the sacrificial lamb in allowing a person who took an oath (vow) to quite gingerly walk out of a marriage, particularly if the history of both carried a loyalty,honor and love.

[toolforgrowth]

It'll never happen, IMO...not in my lifetime anyway....

 

I appreciate and generally like women, and have no issue with feminists and equality, but it is kinda peculiar that progressive and equality minded women tend to ignore the imbalances when it comes to these things...

 

TFY

 

I wish I could like this post a million times.

 

You succinctly expressed in one sentence what I've been struggling to find words for for years now. Thank you!

 

They ignore the imbalances because the imbalances work in their favor most of the time.

 

They must be incentivesed to want to change the laws. Either men have to stop showing up at the altar, or the laws have to be used against them.

 

Millennial men have it right. They're resisting marriage in large numbers. I think in ten to fifteen years we'll be hearing a lot more about it. News media are already talking about a "marriage apocalypse" right now. Once they start to really feel the effects of it, dialogue may then begin on how to fix it.

 

Thankfully marriage will never become mandatory.

[toolforgrowth]

They're filed by women because the man is acting like a jackass, not doing his half and cheating.

 

Please show the statistics that support your conjecture.

 

I find it amusing that men can't paint women with such a broad brush, yet it's perfectly acceptable for them to do so.

 

I find double standards and hypocrisy in virtually every thread nowadays.

[jay1983]

Please show the statistics that support your conjecture.

 

I find it amusing that men can't paint women with such a broad brush, yet it's perfectly acceptable for them to do so.

 

I find double standards and hypocrisy in virtually every thread nowadays.

 

It's the internet dude, this place filled with feminist. Real life isn't that bad, that's why I don't take this place seriously.

[Ninjainpajamas]

So what are you suggesting? That these women one day woke up and decided to get a divorce? And that the poor, innocent husband had absolutely nothing to do with it? Yeah right.

 

Why is there so much emphasis on the woman filing? Maybe she filed because the husband stuck his dick in a piece of a$$ on the side, or maybe his sex drive vanished, or maybe he was very selfish in bed. Its not always, 100% the woman's fault. Just because your ex was a bitch it does not automatically brand all women bitches if/when they file. Yeesh.

 

Not sure why women are opposed to blanket generalizations, because It's a lot like how women view cheating...it doesn't really matter "why", just the fact that he did it is enough and everything she needs to know to determine "character flaws".

 

I definitely don't think it's ever that simple personally, however I see people swing the bat of generalizations and absolutes on one thing, and then on the other say the details are all too important.

 

I have no doubt that looks were a huge factor when my H fell in love with me.

 

That was almost 25 years ago, and I've certainly aged. But he would still say that my looks are something he treasures. Not the main reason he loves me, of course, but something that brings him joy.

 

When love is genuine, a man's idea of beauty ages with the woman he loves. He can't help but love her looks

 

I can almost agree with all of this. I don't know if I can honestly say a man "loves" his woman's looks regardless, but he can be in-love enough with the woman where her looks do not present a factor in his desire or alter his attraction much for her, albeit she hasn't gained and let herself go in a significant way.

 

I've fallen for women who did not have Id say a traditional beauty on their side, I know guys wouldn't be telling me "Damn...where'd you find her, she's a keeper" or even women for that matter...but there was a large amount of chemistry and attraction there nonetheless.

 

I think love can really gloss over a lot of these factors, but I do think it depends on the person and men in general tend to value women for their youth and beauty, that's no secret. Women tend to relax their standards in terms of looks as they get older (from what I've noticed)...I think the more open-minded, comfortable with yourself, and the more you are looking for other factors in another person...the more you're able to see someone else as having a lot to offer in a multifaceted way.

 

I think it would be ridiculous to be with someone hoping they stay young and attractive forever, who knows what can happen to you or the other person, there has to be a lot more there for the long-term which is why a lot of relationships fade out...because at the end of the day there just isn't, and this isn't just about looks by any stretch.

 

But some people are obsessed with beauty and always maintaining that superficial layer of appeal to the opposite sex, or just acquiring someone of the opposite sex who meets a standard they may not necessarily meet themselves...after all I've seen some really ugly guys with attractive fit women on their arms, who didn't appear in any way to be good-looking really but more of the masculine in control type that some women like in a guy...that perceived "confidence" and security they get with those kind of men. I'm a pretty masculine guy myself, but I'm not brute-y, and I value traits like charisma and politeness and being social...so I couldn't just be a mean looking meat head staring people down left and right like I'm going to intimidate my way through life.

 

But anyway attraction of course has many factors...yes, he will need to be attracted to you, but it's kind of like dating a tall guy who like lost his legs or ends up in a wheel...he was still tall when you met him, so you still perceive him as tall. Kind of the same way for men, you WERE young and beautiful at one time, he still remembers and cherishes that...if you didn't hold up so well, let's just be honest there, it happens to anyone.

 

Your "love" and relationship must have more substance obviously to persevere beyond that, and any other light or major rift/shift in the relationship in the many different ways it can. But being that a lot of relationships don't last, they obviously didn't have that level of compatibility for the long-term...and why force it, hell why even get married? relationships/marriage should be open-door policies, so that only those who are genuine about being there stay in them...imagine a world that would be, a world with actual choice and guilt free freedom, instead of obligations and cultural/social pressures.

 

If I was president of the world...

[thefooloftheyear]

You make a very good point. A lot of guys do marry for a woman's looks. They marry not because they're ready to settle down necessarily but to lock her down so other men can't have her. Then when she loses her youth, they trade her in, if they can, for another, if she hasn't divorced him by then for not being a good husband.

 

So don't marry a guy who you suspect only loves you for your body. Marry a guy who has a history of not just dating gorgeous women with big boobs. Marry a guy who you know has some ethics and who you know at least intends to be faithful once married. Marry a guy who you are dead certain just enjoys your company. Marry a guy who doesn't only tell you he loves you before, during or after sex. Marry a guy who shows he loves you through the everyday routine things like helping you around the house and supporting your dreams and your career and your choices. Marry a man you've known long enough to be certain of those things, and not before. And if you don't find one, don't marry.

 

You hear this stuff all the time, and quite frankly its highly unfair and rude to characterize guys who chase attractive women with great bodies as unethical, unfaithful, weak and superficial...For some men, its very important...There is no proof they'd be less faithful or more superficial, as a matter of fact, the guys I know with attractive women with good bodies, absolutely adore the hell out of them..and have no desire to look elsewhere..

 

I mean, women have no issue with eliminating guys with small dicks or short height, right? And outside of the couple of crying asses you see post on here, most guys, including myself(5'6") have absolutely no issue with it...If that's what floats their boat, then so be it...

 

Not saying this of any poster, but I can't believe how harsh some 'regular" women are to good looking women with hot bodies.."They are all sluts and homewreckers." God forbid they could actually be honest and down to earth...

 

TFY

[xxoo]

Looks fade,

 

Questions this for a moment:

 

Do they? Of do you associate looks with youth?

 

I'm thinking of my grandparents, who've been married over 70 years. when I was a little girl, my grandmother was still revered for her looks. She was 50s/60s then. I remember the pride my grandfather took in his beautiful wife, and this never stopped. She was always the old lady with the smallest waist, smoothest skin, most perfectly styled hair (never gray, even now in her 90s!).

 

Was he superficial or a bad bet as husband? No, he was just a man who fell in love with a beautiful young woman, and appreciated her beauty for the next 7 decades.

 

My grandmother....yeah...she's a little vain

[No Limit]

I don't get all the bickering in this thread. Guys go for looks, girls go for looks + money. The first impression isn't based on your other qualities (or flaws of course), because you can't smell or see what the other person is like, there'll always be some shallowness to it. But it's not really hard to stay groomed these days.

[BlueIris]

You hear this stuff all the time, and quite frankly its highly unfair and rude to characterize guys who chase attractive women with great bodies as unethical, unfaithful, weak and superficial...For some men, its very important...There is no proof they'd be less faithful or more superficial, as a matter of fact, the guys I know with attractive women with good bodies, absolutely adore the hell out of them..and have no desire to look elsewhere..

 

I mean, women have no issue with eliminating guys with small dicks or short height, right? And outside of the couple of crying asses you see post on here, most guys, including myself(5'6") have absolutely no issue with it...If that's what floats their boat, then so be it...

 

Not saying this of any poster, but I can't believe how harsh some 'regular" women are to good looking women with hot bodies.."They are all sluts and homewreckers." God forbid they could actually be honest and down to earth...

 

TFY

 

She said don’t marry a man who “loves” you ONLY for your looks, not that a man who loves your looks has none of those positive traits.

[123321]

I don't agree with the simple part but agree that sex, food, and water go a long way.

 

Was intended to be a bit funny and also it's one of those 80/20 deals.

 

 

 

This is exactly what I was talking about. Joking or no, not every man has such horrendously low standards and still, having such low standards being met doesn't mean you have a happy marriage.

 

I prefer to think of them as being realistically achievable in ideal circumstances, anyone who's been married longer than I was (let's set it to 20 years) can have my attention while they tell me I'm wrong.

 

Anyone else? See you in 20

 

 

 

It's the internet dude, this place filled with feminist. Real life isn't that bad, that's why I don't take this place seriously.

 

It's pink forum controlled by women, operated by feminized men, men who have financial incentive to suck up to the women, with any men left over desperately trying to suck up looking for a little approval.

 

The actual count of guys here who will disagree with a woman and shrug off the scorn without their scrotum imploding is pretty low, and we tend to draw a lot of disapproval.