Wife Co-workers

[GorillaTheater]

I'd calmly ask her about it and tell her how you feel. Talk to her about how it makes you feel(insecure, jealous) when she acts like that and don't make demands and it will get you far.

 

The best way to phrase it is "I'm not okay with _____________". Then STFU and refuse to argue about it.

[tom670]

The best way to phrase it is "I'm not okay with _____________". Then STFU and refuse to argue about it.

 

It is time to do some "c0ckblocking"

Next time there is a function you are going if she gives you flack over it too bad.

Time to step it up.

[bubbaganoosh]

If all else fails then ask her how she would feel if you were the only guy at a party with a bunch of horny older women. Look age doesn't mean anything. When I was in my 50's my equipment worked real good still and now that I'm 67, it still does but with a bit of help.

 

She's old enough to know right from wrong so when you voice your opinion about it and if she starts jamming you up about it, then you tell her that you expect more from your wife and disrespect wont be put up with.

[BryanGuy]

My wife who is 30 started a new job a few months ago. She is a receptionist for a building supply company. She is only one of 2 females (the other one is about 50) and most of the males co-workers are 50+. I have notice that her work outfits are getting sexier and shes doing her makeup more often. I figure she just likes the attention her male co-workers and clients must be giving her. Last week one of her co-workers had a swim and Bar-B-Q party. I was busy working on her car, so one of her co-workers picked her up. My wife left only wearing a bikini. I did not think too much of it as I figured it's a pool party. A few days ago, I found pictures taken of the party by the only other female co-worker on her FB. It looked like other than that female, she was the only other female there, and basically every guy had their picture taken with her. There was nothing bad, most of the guys had there arm around her and she sat on a few laps. I am not the jealous type but is it strange I am not more upset? I think if the guys were younger I would be, but most are old and fat. I don't think she would fall for any of them. I also wonder if I should discreetly talk to the other female co-worker?

 

So I confronted my wife without any cheating accusations or yelling as many of you suggested. Basically I got a bunch of excuses and downplayed things. As far as how she dresses, she claims that how a lot of females dress now, especially at her old job. I told her I saw her tagged on pictures on FB (so she would not know I was looking at her co-workers page) and saw her at the party sitting on laps and was basically the only female there. She claims there were more females but not that many. She did admit to having 3 drinks and flirting but said the other female coworkers was watching out for her and making sure things did not get out of hand. She then tried to throw it back to me and say I do crazy/dumb things when I drink too much. So we did agree to do lunch together on occasion (but I still think I may need to do surprise visits), and I can go to the next party.

[merrmeade]

So I confronted my wife without any cheating accusations or yelling as many of you suggested. Basically I got a bunch of excuses and downplayed things. As far as how she dresses, she claims that how a lot of females dress now, especially at her old job. I told her I saw her tagged on pictures on FB (so she would not know I was looking at her co-workers page) and saw her at the party sitting on laps and was basically the only female there. She claims there were more females but not that many. She did admit to having 3 drinks and flirting but said the other female coworkers was watching out for her and making sure things did not get out of hand. She then tried to throw it back to me and say I do crazy/dumb things when I drink too much. So we did agree to do lunch together on occasion (but I still think I may need to do surprise visits), and I can go to the next party.

I remember this. It's called gaslighting. You look at a room and describe its contents; She denies those things are there - and convinces you. Like that, you let her change the reality and the significance of what happened.

 

I think the problem is also you gave her a bunch of judgments and not very much how it made you feel, right. So what you identified as the problems were these:

• how she dresses
  
• sitting on laps
  
• only female there
  
• having 3 drinks
  
• flirting.

So how do you deal with gaslighters? You simply describe reality in a way that cannot be refuted. But, first and foremost, you remember that it is REALITY. Reality cannot be refuted. It just is. YOU have to be clear about what is true and important. Then you - and she - deal with THAT. But I think you don't understand just saying what's true and making accusations or judgments - neither of which you needed to do.

 

Be very clear with yourself about what's wrong with it and the words to describe it. For example, there are two problems with her saying you also do crazy/dumb stuff when you're drinking. First, why is she changing the subject? Get right back to her actions that day, not yours whenever. Second, "crazy/dumb" is not sexually provocative.

 

What else has been disturbing to you (and probably to other decent folk/men)? You said it to us. Why can't you say it to her?

 

Take each item you mentioned and write down everything wrong with it - in general and how it makes you feel - two categories:

1) only 2 females (20 yrs younger); males co-workers are 50+

What's wrong with that?

- she's vulnerable

- 50+ men worry about getting old and sexless; look for younger women to feel desirable; look at all the movies/books about men this age

- put it together with other factors...

How do you feel?

- YOU're concerned she's unprotected and a target

 

2) work outfits are getting sexier; doing her makeup more often

Why?

- "likes the attention male co-workers and clients must be giving her "

What's wrong with that?

- sexier means cheap, available, intentionally provocative

- she wants to look enticing, appealing - different from doing job better

How does it make you feel?

- curious, suspicious, jealous, cheap, (??)

 

3) co-workers picked her up wearing only a bikini

What's wrong with that?

- men picked her up in bikini?

- nice people only wear bikinis at pools; they don't go out in public in bikinis

- why not wear a cover-up? pool robe?

- this is embarrassing for you

How does this make you feel?

-embarrassed, mortified, etc.

 

4) pictures taken of the party on FB.

 

only other female there

 

every guy had picture taken with her

- most had arm around her

- she sat on a few laps

 

And so forth. You can finish it.

 

These are also troubling:

- friends on FB

- don't know each others password

- will know I spied on her.

- If I confront her and she admits it fine, but what if she gets defensive?

This is a problem of the relationship, lack of communication, respect

- She could easily tell her co-worker to take down the pictures. so why not do it?

[fivejcb]

So I confronted my wife without any cheating accusations or yelling as many of you suggested. Basically I got a bunch of excuses and downplayed things. As far as how she dresses, she claims that how a lot of females dress now, especially at her old job. I told her I saw her tagged on pictures on FB (so she would not know I was looking at her co-workers page) and saw her at the party sitting on laps and was basically the only female there. She claims there were more females but not that many. She did admit to having 3 drinks and flirting but said the other female coworkers was watching out for her and making sure things did not get out of hand. She then tried to throw it back to me and say I do crazy/dumb things when I drink too much. So we did agree to do lunch together on occasion (but I still think I may need to do surprise visits), and I can go to the next party.

 

OMG This hits so close I can barely read it!

[Mazerati]

OMG This hits so close I can barely read it!

 

 

It's called blame shifting, takes the well deserved spotlight off her, and puts it on you.

It's her only defense for her inappropriate behavior.

I suggest you start digging discreetly. AND you demand access to her FB .

First, she wont grant access, complain you don't trust her, and if by chance she does those photos you saw will be gone as if by magic.

I hope this is innocent, but too many red flags.

Don't have blinders on, heed the advice Bryan too many here of both sexes have walked in your shoes. Listen to them!!!!!!

 

Also why would she say this?

 

She claims there were more females but not that many. She did admit to having 3 drinks and flirting but said the other female coworkers was watching out for her and making sure things did not get out of hand. She then tried to throw it back to me and say I do crazy/dumb things when I drink too much.

 

Can't she trust herself? If she can't, why should she expect you too.

 

A single Y (why) can change trUst to trYst.

 

 

Maz

Edited April 1, 2015 by Mazerati

[merrmeade]

Look, my posts get way too long. I know. But main thing is this:

 

You are TOTALLY in the right, within your rights; all the facts are with you.

But you need to say you feel publicly disrespected and that is totally not okay.

 

HOWEVER, some of the male bravado advice has been misleading, more hot air than help. You're told to communicate but not how. Manning up does not mean man-handling.

 

When you talked, you half-communicated the points then let her gaslight you and take control.

 

You have the truth on your side; you don't need to bully or beg.

This was pretty good summary and advice from the guys:

... A married woman to get in a car with another man in a bikini no cover up and alone, to sit on coworkers lap, allowing them hands on access. Pardon my next words, but probable erections poking into spots they shouldn't be.

To be photographed doing such behavior, and now dressing up a bit more, and wearing makeup differently.

If a work place affair hasn't happened, it will soon. Wife naive? Doubtful. Changing her work appearance is proof.

Husband naive? Obviously.

This is not flirting, this is what happens in strip clubs, groping a scantily clad woman. This is not appropriate behavior at all, no self respecting married woman would do such a thing, unless she was in an open marriage. Perhaps based on her behavior and you allowing it, she thinks she is.

You are in for a rough marriage if she won't reign it in. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see what is going on.

I suggest you have a discussion, try not to be domineering, that will ensure her withdrawing

You should never have let her leave for all the reasons mentioned,utter stupidity.

I hope it isn't too late.

I don't see how you ended up with "lunch on occasion" as a concession. This is serious. Edited April 1, 2015 by merrmeade

[I4givehim]

My wife who is 30 started a new job a few months ago. She is a receptionist for a building supply company. She is only one of 2 females (the other one is about 50) and most of the males co-workers are 50+. I have notice that her work outfits are getting sexier and shes doing her makeup more often. I figure she just likes the attention her male co-workers and clients must be giving her. Last week one of her co-workers had a swim and Bar-B-Q party. I was busy working on her car, so one of her co-workers picked her up. My wife left only wearing a bikini. I did not think too much of it as I figured it's a pool party. A few days ago, I found pictures taken of the party by the only other female co-worker on her FB. It looked like other than that female, she was the only other female there, and basically every guy had their picture taken with her. There was nothing bad, most of the guys had there arm around her and she sat on a few laps. I am not the jealous type but is it strange I am not more upset? I think if the guys were younger I would be, but most are old and fat. I don't think she would fall for any of them. I also wonder if I should discreetly talk to the other female co-worker?

Oh Please. My H cheated on me with the homeliest looking OW I have ever seen. She gave him the attention he was looking for. He felt as if I wasn't there for him. Never say never....

[aliveagain]

There should only be one policy and that is one of honesty and trust, no passwords hidden from each other, you both attend events as a couple so everyone knows that when they invite you they are also inviting your spouse. There can never be secrets from each other and if your acting in a way in front of others that you wouldn't if your spouse was there than you shouldn't be doing it. You always protect your spouse even if they are not there to do it themselves.

[clam]

She seriously left the house wearing JUST a bikini -- with no cover up, or even shorts over it?

 

Ummm... that's totally not right for a married woman, to hop in some guy's car wearing only a bikini. Neither is sitting on men's laps wearing just a bikini.

 

She's a tease. Or more.

[tom670]

So I confronted my wife without any cheating accusations or yelling as many of you suggested. Basically I got a bunch of excuses and downplayed things. As far as how she dresses, she claims that how a lot of females dress now, especially at her old job. I told her I saw her tagged on pictures on FB (so she would not know I was looking at her co-workers page) and saw her at the party sitting on laps and was basically the only female there. She claims there were more females but not that many. She did admit to having 3 drinks and flirting but said the other female coworkers was watching out for her and making sure things did not get out of hand. She then tried to throw it back to me and say I do crazy/dumb things when I drink too much. So we did agree to do lunch together on occasion (but I still think I may need to do surprise visits), and I can go to the next party.

 

Bryan yes she is to never go without you again.

And yes to surprise visits.

[I_Give_Up67]

So I confronted my wife without any cheating accusations or yelling as many of you suggested. Basically I got a bunch of excuses and downplayed things. As far as how she dresses, she claims that how a lot of females dress now, especially at her old job. I told her I saw her tagged on pictures on FB (so she would not know I was looking at her co-workers page) and saw her at the party sitting on laps and was basically the only female there. She claims there were more females but not that many. She did admit to having 3 drinks and flirting but said the other female coworkers was watching out for her and making sure things did not get out of hand. She then tried to throw it back to me and say I do crazy/dumb things when I drink too much. So we did agree to do lunch together on occasion (but I still think I may need to do surprise visits), and I can go to the next party.

 

 

 

You have trouble brewing on horizon my friend. As others have warned you, do not think for one second that she wouldn't hook-up with one of these older guys for sex.

 

 

Most troubling for your M is the fact she is open to behave like this in the first place. Make no mistake about it, she is advertising being open for more than flirting. If you have not done so, please take the time and read through some of the other threads on LS. I hope you can steer her focus back to you and only you, for the validation she seems to be seeking from the men on her job.

 

Good luck!

[LifeWasted]

Most troubling for your M is the fact she is open to behave like this in the first place

 

Where I'm from we have a name for a woman like this.

[tom670]

Where I'm from we have a name for a woman like this.

 

Please get two books...

"Married Mans Sex Life Primer"

and

"No More Mr. Nice Guy"

[jen1447]

My wife who is 30 started a new job a few months ago. She is a receptionist for a building supply company. She is only one of 2 females (the other one is about 50) and most of the males co-workers are 50+. I have notice that her work outfits are getting sexier and shes doing her makeup more often. I figure she just likes the attention her male co-workers and clients must be giving her. Last week one of her co-workers had a swim and Bar-B-Q party. I was busy working on her car, so one of her co-workers picked her up. My wife left only wearing a bikini. I did not think too much of it as I figured it's a pool party. A few days ago, I found pictures taken of the party by the only other female co-worker on her FB. It looked like other than that female, she was the only other female there, and basically every guy had their picture taken with her. There was nothing bad, most of the guys had there arm around her and she sat on a few laps. I am not the jealous type but is it strange I am not more upset? I think if the guys were younger I would be, but most are old and fat. I don't think she would fall for any of them. I also wonder if I should discreetly talk to the other female co-worker?

 

I'm sorry but this just has trouble written all over it. She's already in a position where she's been behaving this way for some time? So chances are actually very good that there's already been more going on. A good rule of thumb is to assume that you get about half the picture of the extent of what's really happening based on what you can see clearly. (Forex, some "good-natured" butt-pats and boob squeezes wouldn't likely appear in the photos if anyone had any sense, but who knows what happens between shots and when the cameras aren't firing? Where did she disappear to for 20 minutes? Etc., etc.)

 

My main concern here would be the blatant disregard for you in all this though. A person who's cavorting around in the open like that is extremely comfortable with it.

 

No one deserves to be mistreated, but it almost sounds like you've been lying down on the job to let it go this long. My guess is she knows that she has little to worry about with you, and she's happy to take advantage of every inch of leniency you give her. I doubt her heart's in your home.

[spanz1]

You have trouble brewing on horizon my friend. As others have warned you, do not think for one second that she wouldn't hook-up with one of these older guys for sex.

 

 

 

its her attitude that will eventually get her in trouble. She wears skimpy clothing in basically an all male gathering. she admits to 3 drinks (who knows how many in reality). she, like many women, probably loses her inhibitions when drunk, and 3 drinks probably puts here there. AND, she would not be flirting if she was not horny already.

 

 

So a horny drunk woman in a bikini getting a ride home from the party from a male co-worker....it is just so easy for him to "swing by his place for a minute" and the deed is done.

 

 

I would try to explain to her how easy it would be for her to cross the boundary line in these circumstances. how you would NOT forgive her for it...and how she could NOT use the excuse "but I was drunk", because she CHOSE to drink that way. IF she is not willing to abide by boundaries...then yeah do not let her go to such parties, ever, unless u are there. If she bitches, point out she is acting like a teenager, instead of a mature married woman.

[jsmart]

its her attitude that will eventually get her in trouble. She wears skimpy clothing in basically an all male gathering. she admits to 3 drinks (who knows how many in reality). she, like many women, probably loses her inhibitions when drunk, and 3 drinks probably puts here there. AND, she would not be flirting if she was not horny already.

 

 

So a horny drunk woman in a bikini getting a ride home from the party from a male co-worker....it is just so easy for him to "swing by his place for a minute" and the deed is done.

 

 

I bet the one that picked her up is the one that dropped her off. A quick BJ in the car while drunk. A strong possibility.

 

The OP is sadly mistaken if he thinks his wife won't do something because their way older. There are a few active threads on the OW section as well as one in this section dealing with a woman with a guy 20 years older than her.

 

You searched the internet to find guidance on a forum with a bunch of strangers because what happened didn't feel right in the gut. This is how so many threads start and after some digging, lo and behold, there was something going on. You MUST trust your gut. It's rarely wrong when come to things like this.

[atreides]

So I confronted my wife without any cheating accusations or yelling as many of you suggested. Basically I got a bunch of excuses and downplayed things. As far as how she dresses, she claims that how a lot of females dress now, especially at her old job. I told her I saw her tagged on pictures on FB (so she would not know I was looking at her co-workers page) and saw her at the party sitting on laps and was basically the only female there. She claims there were more females but not that many. She did admit to having 3 drinks and flirting but said the other female coworkers was watching out for her and making sure things did not get out of hand. She then tried to throw it back to me and say I do crazy/dumb things when I drink too much. So we did agree to do lunch together on occasion (but I still think I may need to do surprise visits), and I can go to the next party.

 

Look, whatever she throws at you, you have to express that you are not ok with it, end of story. You need to express that this is a wake up call to her, she is on notice kind of issue.

Her excuses are just that, no the dress code is not as such, no you don't get into cars in just a bikini and so on and so on.

Establish that you are not ok with it, and that was the last time or along those lines. If not, she will just run you over.

[seibert253]

^^^^^^^^^^^^

that

[Friskyone4u]

Bryan

 

You already have a lot of opinion here and notice it is ALL the same. Married women do not go alone as the only female to a party with men without their husband dressed in a skimpy bikini and nothing else. And the the lap photos .

You should not be listening or accepting ANY explanation justifying this and you better understsnd that your wife is obviously for some reason looking for ego kibbles from other men. And everyone reading this knows where that leads .

If you don't already have it you better put a VAR in her car and start paying attention to where she is and where she says she is.

If you ig ore this and don't put your foot down you are going to get a very unpleasant surprise at some point if it has not already happened.

[itmustbeme]

My wife who is 30 started a new job a few months ago. She is a receptionist for a building supply company. She is only one of 2 females (the other one is about 50) and most of the males co-workers are 50+. I have notice that her work outfits are getting sexier and shes doing her makeup more often. I figure she just likes the attention her male co-workers and clients must be giving her. Last week one of her co-workers had a swim and Bar-B-Q party. I was busy working on her car, so one of her co-workers picked her up. My wife left only wearing a bikini. I did not think too much of it as I figured it's a pool party. A few days ago, I found pictures taken of the party by the only other female co-worker on her FB. It looked like other than that female, she was the only other female there, and basically every guy had their picture taken with her. There was nothing bad, most of the guys had there arm around her and she sat on a few laps. I am not the jealous type but is it strange I am not more upset? I think if the guys were younger I would be, but most are old and fat. I don't think she would fall for any of them. I also wonder if I should discreetly talk to the other female co-worker?

 

I think others have covered a lot but I do want to caution you about the old guys. Please don't assume your wife would not have any interest in any of them. When I go to my high school reunion many of my friends look 20 years older than me. I Have had a lot of younger women interested in me.

 

My older brother was 54 and that was three years ago. He stopped at my place with his 25 year old girlfriend. She wanted to marry him so he broke up with her. He is also having sex with married women on some website he is on according to one of my other brothers.

 

I guess I am saying give your wife plenty of attention... Because I assure you that these guys are and if she keeps doing what she has been she will be sleeping with one of these guys.

 

No married woman leaves for a party in a bikini. Warning alarms should be going off. If you worked at an office with all women and you left for a party walking out in a speedo and a woman came by and picked you up dressed like that your wife would have a fit.

[LifeWasted]

I'm beginning not to believe any of this. I think we're being skunked.

[I_Give_Up67]

When I read these post from men that are so timid and weak I sometimes think, no way can someone be this naive , but after reading so many threads on here, TAM, SI, MMSL 911, and others that I do believe this is real.

 

The fact that he's not returned is probably because he's freaked out by the unanimous opinions that confirm that something is not right. Some people and pushed to action others are put there head a little deeper in the sand.

 

 

 

Jsmart- I believe you are correct with your take here! I figured the OP either does not want to take any further action with his W or is hoping it will all just go away. I bet he will be back shortly asking if he should D or R with his newly minted WW.

[Friskyone4u]

JSmart has it right . Some come here or other places hoping to be told they are worrying about nothing, and then when they get a 100% response that they do not want to hear they just disappear.

Hope fully OP will come back but not as BH . But I am afraid that may have already happened and he does not know it yet