Why is there such a social stigma to being a virgin?

[Camaro Guy]

By "priority," I meant when guys actively hunt for women, and won't stop until someone willingly sleeps with him. That is what I meant. So you'd rather have some guy who has had a lot of sexual partners under his belt over a guy who isn't as experienced? Wow.

 

It's no use. Trying to explain attraction in a logical manner is like trying to fly a plane with no pilot.

Edited March 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[E-Squared]

I get the same feeling sometimes, Camaro, except that to me, it's more like I wonder exactly what I have done for years that I have not actively pursued women. So basically for guys, it's encouraged to go pursue multiple partners? I remember in the past, an old friend of mine used to give me a lot of crap just because I am either not with someone or not rolling in snatch like he claimed to have done. Maybe I just wasn't interested in meeting women or anything of that nature. Of course, I still remember a woman who I talked to for a little bit gave me some grief about why I hadn't had sex, which led to me to get rather defensive with her.

 

At this point, I am not so sure if I should just continue doing what I am doing or if I should just pursue some strange wool or even just use a girl for sex to get it over with, or even just pay a hooker.

Edited March 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Camaro Guy]

I get the same feeling sometimes, Camaro, except that to me, it's more like I wonder exactly what I have done for years that I have not actively pursued women. So basically for guys, it's encouraged to go pursue multiple partners? I remember in the past, an old friend of mine used to give me a lot of crap just because I am either not with someone or not rolling in snatch like he claimed to have done. Maybe I just wasn't interested in meeting women or anything of that nature. Of course, I still remember a woman who I talked to for a little bit gave me some grief about why I hadn't had sex, which led to me to get rather defensive with her.

 

At this point, I am not so sure if I should just continue doing what I am doing or if I should just pursue some strange wool or even just use a girl for sex to get it over with, or even just pay a hooker.

 

Paying for sex has crossed my mind over and over again several times but it wouldn't really change a thing for me. I wouldn't get that validation I so crave, that acknowledgement of doing the act and seducing a girl the old fashioned way. I don't want sexual release. I can easily do that by masturbating. I just want to know that I'm not defective and I can't see it. Also, if you went that route just never tell the woman that. Women are off-put by it because it symbolizes that you were so pathetic you had to pay (pretty much beg) for it.

 

To me, being a virgin makes me feel as if I'm all alone in this struggle. Pretty much everyone I know has gotten SOMETHING. Why not me? Why do I feel as if I've been exiled from this experience? People make it seem so natural, so effortless, so inconsequential.

 

Coupled with my relentless drive for self-improvement, it makes me feel as if I'm destined for abject failure. No matter how much I do, it makes me feel as if it's all for not. Some days, I just want to say "**** it" and leave everything. What's the point of going to gym? Keeping a sharp mind? Trying to get a good career?

 

A lot of my friends are good with girls, so I know how girls act around a guy when they're attracted to him. In my 25 years of living, I've never gotten a single one of those signs? Never? What does that say about me?

 

In the end, it can probably come down to me being so afraid of rejection and failure because I feel it would be a mark against me. I asked out 5 girls in college if they were interested in doing *something* whether that be coffee, movie, study, etc. I was turned down each time. Better yet, some girl blocked me on Facebook and pretended as if I didn't exist when I was in her class. I just ask myself "why bother?"

 

The worst part of it all is women just can't wrap their mind around how a guy hasn't had sex. Low testosterone? No drive? No desire for female contact? Homosexual? Asexual? Chicken? What is it? Can't be good

 

 

To me, it's like looking out into a big black canyon with no end. I always ask myself when will this end? When will it be over? Is it too late? Did I squander my chances? Will I have to lie and fabricate just to have sex?

 

I keep a cheery disposition in public but this eats at me on the inside every day.

Edited March 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[NJ123]

Paying for sex has crossed my mind over and over again several times but it wouldn't really change a thing for me. I wouldn't get that validation I so crave, that acknowledgement of doing the act and seducing a girl the old fashioned way. I don't want sexual release. I can easily do that by masturbating. I just want to know that I'm not defective and I can't see it. Also, if you went that route just never tell the woman that. Women are off-put by it because it symbolizes that you were so pathetic you had to pay (pretty much beg) for it.

 

To me, being a virgin makes me feel as if I'm all alone in this struggle. Pretty much everyone I know has gotten SOMETHING. Why not me? Why do I feel as if I've been exiled from this experience? People make it seem so natural, so effortless, so inconsequential.

 

Coupled with my relentless drive for self-improvement, it makes me feel as if I'm destined for abject failure. No matter how much I do, it makes me feel as if it's all for not. Some days, I just want to say "**** it" and leave everything. What's the point of going to gym? Keeping a sharp mind? Trying to get a good career?

 

A lot of my friends are good with girls, so I know how girls act around a guy when they're attracted to him. In my 25 years of living, I've never gotten a single one of those signs? Never? What does that say about me?

 

In the end, it can probably come down to me being so afraid of rejection and failure because I feel it would be a mark against me. I asked out 5 girls in college if they were interested in doing *something* whether that be coffee, movie, study, etc. I was turned down each time. Better yet, some girl blocked me on Facebook and pretended as if I didn't exist when I was in her class. I just ask myself "why bother?"

 

The worst part of it all is women just can't wrap their mind around how a guy hasn't had sex. Low testosterone? No drive? No desire for female contact? Homosexual? Asexual? Chicken? What is it? Can't be good

 

 

To me, it's like looking out into a big black canyon with no end. I always ask myself when will this end? When will it be over? Is it too late? Did I squander my chances? Will I have to lie and fabricate just to have sex?

 

I keep a cheery disposition in public but this eats at me on the inside every day.

 

Why not go on OLD & look for casual sex with someone? I was offered sex 3 or 4 times last year, but all the situations except for 1 I wasn't interested in. And the one I was interested in the circumstances were messed up at the time for me. I didn't have a good enough car to drive at the time to drive a far distance with it. Looking back, I wish I made some excuse up where she could drive to my area. She invited me over to her house & wanted to "hang out". She also admitted that she wanted sex with me pretty much. I screwed that one up bad, so I have no one to blame but myself on that one.

[E-Squared]

Why not go on OLD & look for casual sex with someone? I was offered sex 3 or 4 times last year, but all the situations except for 1 I wasn't interested in. And the one I was interested in the circumstances were messed up at the time for me. I didn't have a good enough car to drive at the time to drive a far distance with it. Looking back, I wish I made some excuse up where she could drive to my area. She invited me over to her house & wanted to "hang out". She also admitted that she wanted sex with me pretty much. I screwed that one up bad, so I have no one to blame but myself on that one.

I did mention earlier that there may have been times when I came close to having sex. One of the most recent examples was with a girl who I was talking to last year. She brought me to her house to watch a movie, and we actually did watch a movie, though we got a little cozy in that we got a little closer like I leaned and she leaned in, as well as her lying on me with my arms wrapped around her. We even kissed and made out a bit, but she also deliberately told me earlier that we were keeping our clothes on during that night, and we did. I respected her wishes.

 

I have made out and kissed women before, so it isn't like I don't have much experience. I guess it matters in society if a guy has gone the whole way, huh?

Edited March 9, 2015 by E-Squared

[Keith1970]

I lost mine at 24. My good friends thought it was fine. Girl who took it, pretty sure she stayed with me just to take it, then dumped me.

[Timshel]

I guess I don't understand why anyone would know that you're a virgin except the person you are in a relationship with? Why would random people know that? I think if you are in a relationship with someone who sincerely cares about you, they wouldn't care. Am I missing something? It's not on your forehead.

[Van Norden]

Agree with the ego-boost thing. Lost my virginity to a prostitute out of insecurity and low self-esteem when I was 19 or so, tired of waiting for the right one to appear and left heartbroken by a girl who dumped me to the friendzone, from where I vanished. A month later I was getting laid with different women wthout paying. Don't know how's that, but seems like they smelled I was not a virgin anymore. True story.

[Stillits]

I think the main issue I would have in starting a relationship with someone who was virgin prior to me, would be that I feel they are highly likely to leave later on because they want to experience sex with another woman. I would be hesitant to invest very much of myself to such a situation (and yes, I do base this previous experience). That's just my hang-up and concern though, I don't look down upon people who are virgin at my age (20's).

[Radu]

Errrrr,

I may have been asleep at the wheel but I didn't know that there was such a stigma ?

 

It exists and it applies to men.

 

Granted, she's not going to laugh at you but they dread playing teacher, even if just at the beginning ... in a way it reduces the fantasy of him leading.

So something will come up, just by coincidence soon after you mention it.

[Rejected Rosebud]

By "priority," I meant when guys actively hunt for women, and won't stop until someone willingly sleeps with him. That is what I meant. So you'd rather have some guy who has had a lot of sexual partners under his belt over a guy who isn't as experienced? Wow.

:sick: Well the unedited post had some pretty ugly language to use about women and sex, maybe that has something to do with your situation?? Srsly I haven't learned about this huge stigma on male virgins until I came to this site, I am 25 and for sure I know 2 guys who are virgins who are my age. Yes they get some teasing which they take gracefully and none of their friends judge them for it, one of the guys is painfully shy so I am sure it is going to take him a while!! I know that "sexual prowess" is a revered trait for guys (especially among guys I think!) Guys you need to just be okay with who you are and if there is a stigma f**k that just live your life and try to enjoy it!! When you get a chance to have sex with the right girl at the right time it will be fine. Edited March 10, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[GravityMan]

You are making way too big of a deal out of this, OP.

 

That said, while it is overblown, there is a social stigma about virginity. However, these days I notice it more on the internet than in real life. It's the internet...folks say all sorts of crap. I've also noticed that virgin guys who get shamed and picked on for their virginity...being called "losers" and some such...the shaming almost always comes from OTHER GUYS, not women.

 

I've also observed it more among people in their teens and early 20s...generally amongst the people (immature guys usually) who care about things like "# of sexual partners", "length of penis", etc. People tend to stop caring about such things once they get a bit older. They may be surprised by an older virgin - let's face it, virgins 25+ years old don't exactly grow on trees - but otherwise they won't care; you're just another guy who just happens to have never gotten laid. Many women may prefer a guy who knows what he's doing in the bedroom (especially women who want the guy to take the lead), but again that doesn't automatically mean that those women believe that inexperienced guys are losers.

 

The big mistake that most virgins make is caring about it. Which usually comes across as insecurity to others, and insecurity is a turn-off to many women.

[E-Squared]

You are making way too big of a deal out of this, OP.

 

That said, while it is overblown, there is a social stigma about virginity. However, these days I notice it more on the internet than in real life. It's the internet...folks say all sorts of crap. I've also noticed that virgin guys who get shamed and picked on for their virginity...being called "losers" and some such...the shaming almost always comes from OTHER GUYS, not women.

 

I've also observed it more among people in their teens and early 20s...generally amongst the people (immature guys usually) who care about things like "# of sexual partners", "length of penis", etc. People tend to stop caring about such things once they get a bit older. They may be surprised by an older virgin - let's face it, virgins 25+ years old don't exactly grow on trees - but otherwise they won't care; you're just another guy who just happens to have never gotten laid. Many women may prefer a guy who knows what he's doing in the bedroom (especially women who want the guy to take the lead), but again that doesn't automatically mean that those women believe that inexperienced guys are losers.

 

The big mistake that most virgins make is caring about it. Which usually comes across as insecurity to others, and insecurity is a turn-off to many women.

For the most part, I don't usually care, but I have my moments when I feel inadequate and behind about it.

[almond]

Well I guess I'll be the first b*tch to come out and say that I feel that there is indeed a stigma surrounding older virgin males.

 

 

I'm also going to take it one step further and say that I would not date a virgin at my age (26).

 

 

Why? Well...because I see it as a bit of a red flag truthfully. It has nothing to do with the explanation offered by a few posters here...that the man loses "value" because it can be assumed that he was not desired by other women. I don't believe that's true at all, and I've seen enough repulsive scumbags get laid to know that simply putting your penis into someone does not raise your value in my eyes.

 

 

My aversion would mainly be due to the fact that I am social, outgoing and adventurous. I would assume that it is likely that a 26 year old would probably be quite different to me in that regard, and if that were the case, he wouldn't be a good fit for me. I am very confident, and I value this in my partner also - it's a huge part of what makes us so compatible...in my case anyway.

 

 

Now, of course, 26 year old virgin may very well be confident and socially adept, and my initial assumption may be wrong. But then...did he just not have sex because he is not a sexual person? Then...he's not compatible with me in that respect. Was he unable to engage and find a woman he liked enough to sleep with? Orange flag. Does he perhaps have some insecurities, intimacy issues etc? Again, not compatible with me.

 

 

I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but it's just the way I see it. More power to you if you simply didn't hold sex in high regard and are happy like that...but to not care enough about it to never have experienced it once in 26 years indicates that your sexuality differs too greatly from mine for me to engage in a relationship with you.

 

 

Plenty of women will feel differently though, as they have expressed in this thread. For me however though, it's a personal deal breaker for a number of reasons.

 

 

All the best finding the right person for you, if that's what you're looking for

[E-Squared]

Well I guess I'll be the first b*tch to come out and say that I feel that there is indeed a stigma surrounding older virgin males.

 

 

I'm also going to take it one step further and say that I would not date a virgin at my age (26).

 

 

Why? Well...because I see it as a bit of a red flag truthfully. It has nothing to do with the explanation offered by a few posters here...that the man loses "value" because it can be assumed that he was not desired by other women. I don't believe that's true at all, and I've seen enough repulsive scumbags get laid to know that simply putting your penis into someone does not raise your value in my eyes.

 

 

My aversion would mainly be due to the fact that I am social, outgoing and adventurous. I would assume that it is likely that a 26 year old would probably be quite different to me in that regard, and if that were the case, he wouldn't be a good fit for me. I am very confident, and I value this in my partner also - it's a huge part of what makes us so compatible...in my case anyway.

 

 

Now, of course, 26 year old virgin may very well be confident and socially adept, and my initial assumption may be wrong. But then...did he just not have sex because he is not a sexual person? Then...he's not compatible with me in that respect. Was he unable to engage and find a woman he liked enough to sleep with? Orange flag. Does he perhaps have some insecurities, intimacy issues etc? Again, not compatible with me.

 

 

I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but it's just the way I see it. More power to you if you simply didn't hold sex in high regard and are happy like that...but to not care enough about it to never have experienced it once in 26 years indicates that your sexuality differs too greatly from mine for me to engage in a relationship with you.

 

 

Plenty of women will feel differently though, as they have expressed in this thread. For me however though, it's a personal deal breaker for a number of reasons.

 

 

All the best finding the right person for you, if that's what you're looking for

Well, a guy can be still sexual if he has his right and left to fall back on, rather than have an actual partner.

 

Anyway, imagine if you met some guy and hit it off with him and he turned out to be a virgin. You two got along so well that you actually like him, and that at some point, it's revealed that he hasn't gotten that far with a woman, that would kill all interest you have in him, wouldn't it? All because he hadn't stuck it in?

 

Considering I will be 29 in five months, I wonder if I should just go and get a street-walker to take care of matters, just so that I could gain experience.

[minimariah]

Anyway, imagine if you met some guy and hit it off with him and he turned out to be a virgin. You two got along so well that you actually like him, and that at some point, it's revealed that he hasn't gotten that far with a woman, that would kill all interest you have in him, wouldn't it? All because he hadn't stuck it in?

 

for me - absolutely.

because i can't comprehend or think of one good reason (except religious ones) for someone to have 0 sexual experience at the age over 25.

 

i mean, sexual experience is important. especially when you're living a certain kinky sexual lifestyle. it's important to me that you've had at least one serious relationship with someone in your 30 years of living on Earth & that includes sex. when i meet someone and they didn't have that & they are older than... let's say, 25? i will for sure ask myself - why? commitment issues? some other issues, fear of intimacy? is it religion?

 

can't think of one good reason that would make me want to continue.

 

also, you can hit it off with someone & completely fail sexually. i've had that happen to me - we were amazing together EXCEPT sex. & when that fails? the relationship will, too. it's just a matter of time.

[almond]

Well, a guy can be still sexual if he has his right and left to fall back on, rather than have an actual partner.

 

Anyway, imagine if you met some guy and hit it off with him and he turned out to be a virgin. You two got along so well that you actually like him, and that at some point, it's revealed that he hasn't gotten that far with a woman, that would kill all interest you have in him, wouldn't it? All because he hadn't stuck it in?

 

Considering I will be 29 in five months, I wonder if I should just go and get a street-walker to take care of matters, just so that I could gain experience.

 

Your attitude in this post is off-putting. "All because he hadn't stuck it in?" No, not because of that. Because in almost 30 years, this man has been incapable, unwilling, or too apathetic to experience sex with another human being. Did you even read my post? I raised many other points, and addressed the issue of sexuality in some detail that you have clearly overlooked.

 

 

And sure...people can be "sexual" with "right and left", but as I've outlined, I prefer my men to have been sexual with an actual woman by my age. I'm sure you have preferences also - there is nothing wrong with that.

 

 

And yes, it would kill all romantic interest for the reasons that I outlined in my previous post. You seem to be trying to make me out to be shallow or judgemental for this, and that's not the case at all. No need to take it personally, this is just a deal breaker for me, and people have plenty of different deal breakers. That's just life, and we all have to deal with it in one way or another.

[ThaWholigan]

Well, a guy can be still sexual if he has his right and left to fall back on, rather than have an actual partner.

 

Anyway, imagine if you met some guy and hit it off with him and he turned out to be a virgin. You two got along so well that you actually like him, and that at some point, it's revealed that he hasn't gotten that far with a woman, that would kill all interest you have in him, wouldn't it? All because he hadn't stuck it in?

 

Considering I will be 29 in five months, I wonder if I should just go and get a street-walker to take care of matters, just so that I could gain experience.

This is kinda the problem here - you've somewhat latched onto the one post that outlines why they don't want a virgin. You did that on the last page with Katzee aswell. You're looking for a stigma to be angry with, finding it in the women who have no interest in virgins.

 

If the girl you hit it off with in the club doesn't want you because she thinks whatever she thinks due to you being a virgin then move onto one who doesn't care! Because they are out there - I would have never gotten laid if I didn't. And I never would have maintained a more confident disposition if I punished myself by trying to prove my worth to the girls who didn't want to f-ck a male virgin, for whatever reason.

 

As the poster said, its her preference. Just like guys who don't want promiscuous girls or whatever. I'm sure you have yours, as I have mine. You have the choice of how to deal - seeing an escort probably isn't the best course of action. Just keep an even keel about it - don't care about it and you'll be fine.

 

EDIT: and FYI, I have had girls outline to me the same things Katzee and almond have said in this post. They thought I would be too clingy, not manly enough or incapable of handling a relationship, sexually or otherwise. I didn't need to argue with them, I can't change how someone thinks. But I ignored it in the long run because I felt confident enough in myself eventually to know that I wasn't incapable, or clingy, or any other negative connotation that would be associated. You don't have to prove that to them. People are gonna want what they want. Focus on the ones who want to f-ck you, not the ones who don't.

Edited March 10, 2015 by ThaWholigan

[TigerCub]

I think the main issue I would have in starting a relationship with someone who was virgin prior to me, would be that I feel they are highly likely to leave later on because they want to experience sex with another woman. I would be hesitant to invest very much of myself to such a situation (and yes, I do base this previous experience). That's just my hang-up and concern though, I don't look down upon people who are virgin at my age (20's).

 

That's my thinking about fear about virgins too.

 

I'd **** a virgin if it's just fooling around - hey I may not even know he was a virgin - that's the advantage guys have that virgin girls don't - it could be your first time and it wouldn't be as obvious.

 

But at my age now - early 30s, I date with the hopes that I'd eventually settle down with a person and that it would grow to be something significant - so I wouldn't really date a virgin because if we got married, what if a few years from now he's like 'oh, I've only been with just 1 person, I can't stop thinking about what it's like to be with others, I need to sow my wild oats - yada yada' and then he'd want to cheat or get a divorce or whatever - we've all seen and heard these stories PLENTY in the marriage/affair section of LS.

That's what would worry me about dating/settling down with a guy that was a virgin till me.

 

But if it was just random fun, I don't think I'd care much if he was a virgin.

[autumnnight]

Being a virgin does not make one asexual. I was a virgin until I married, and I can tell you unequivocally that I WAS a sexual being prior to my wedding night. Like I said, there are all sorts of people out there who claim to believe the Bible, just read the infidelity section. Every one of those people who are against adultery would be pro virgin until marriage...unless of course they are hypocrites.

 

OP, I wouldn't overthink this. Unless you have never even kissed a girl, I feel certain you'll be fine when it comes time to cross "that big line."

[AVarma]

That's my thinking about fear about virgins too.

 

I'd **** a virgin if it's just fooling around - hey I may not even know he was a virgin - that's the advantage guys have that virgin girls don't - it could be your first time and it wouldn't be as obvious.

 

But at my age now - early 30s, I date with the hopes that I'd eventually settle down with a person and that it would grow to be something significant - so I wouldn't really date a virgin because if we got married, what if a few years from now he's like 'oh, I've only been with just 1 person, I can't stop thinking about what it's like to be with others, I need to sow my wild oats - yada yada' and then he'd want to cheat or get a divorce or whatever - we've all seen and heard these stories PLENTY in the marriage/affair section of LS.

That's what would worry me about dating/settling down with a guy that was a virgin till me.

 

But if it was just random fun, I don't think I'd care much if he was a virgin.

 

To be fair this happens with men who are experienced as well. I think cheating is more about character than it is about how much previous experience you've had.

[carhill]

What I want to know is why some people look down on those who are sexually-inexperienced.

 

Group dynamics. Social groups tend to form between like minded individuals and others are eschewed. While actual sexual performance is generally factually unknown except for personal experience, people form opinions from observation and interaction and exclude people they find outlier to their preferences, or actual reality, in life. This could be sex, it could be appearance, it could be education, it could be socio-econonic strata or 'class', etc, etc. People not in the club are simply excluded, which of course can certainly be perceived as being 'looked down upon'. That perception is a choice.

[TigerCub]

To be fair this happens with men who are experienced as well. I think cheating is more about character than it is about how much previous experience you've had.

 

I'm not debating who cheats - Yeah men do it, women do it, experienced or not too experienced - I was talking about the specific cases where people do want to cheat BECAUSE they are wondering what it's like to be with more than one person. There are a lot of people that don't have much experience and then later down the road start to wonder and yearn for that experience.

 

Those were the cases I was talking about since the main topic was virgins. I'm not debating how even experienced people cheat - sure they do - but they don't use the ol 'oh poor me, I've only been with one person' excuse.

[AVarma]

OP, I wouldn't overthink this. Unless you have never even kissed a girl, I feel certain you'll be fine when it comes time to cross "that big line."

 

Damn, until you said the "unless you have never kissed a girl" part I was feeling good about your post.

[ThaWholigan]

I'm not debating who cheats - Yeah men do it, women do it, experienced or not too experienced - I was talking about the specific cases where people do want to cheat BECAUSE they are wondering what it's like to be with more than one person. There are a lot of people that don't have much experience and then later down the road start to wonder and yearn for that experience.

 

Those were the cases I was talking about since the main topic was virgins. I'm not debating how even experienced people cheat - sure they do - but they don't use the ol 'oh poor me, I've only been with one person' excuse.

I've seen it happen, so it's a legit concern!

 

Obviously taken on case-by-case basis, but I can understand that.