Her Friend Now & Our Kids In The Future

[aliveagain]

Friend, take the test since she has agreed to do it and may not agree to do it later. It is reliable enough that every law enforcement service on the planet uses it and a good test administrator can tell when counter measures are being used. I have never read anyone saying they were sorry they took the test on this or any other infidelity site. It is still your best shot at the truth. Think very clearly about the questions you want to ask. They will often ask the same question in another way to confirm she is being truthful.

 

I mentioned "Joseph's Letter", please Google it, it has been around forever and is one of the best tools for a betrayed spouse to get his need to know the truth across to a wayward spouse. Please don't let people get to you, take what you believe is helpful to your situation from the advice posted, the rest just let it go. The thing to remember is that you will survive this.

[FallenA]

I don't think you sleeping with an OW or having a three some with your wife is going to help matters. I believe it'll just complicate your problems.

 

The issue is she cheated years ago and she had lied for a long time since. You sleeping with an OW isn't going to solve what she did and also the worry you rightly have is what else has she lied about and has there been any further cheating.

 

No, of course it won't fix the problems. I'm not thinking of this as some kind of magic bullet, indeed as I have stated several times, I'm not even thinking of doing ANYTHING anytime soon.

 

Doing this(NOT SAYING I WILL) would not be about fixing our relationship, it would be purely about me.

Think ahead. If we do make it through R, will I resent that she was my only one when she couldn't do that for me?

Will the curiosity become too much for me, just like it nearly did in the past?

I love my wife dearly but if I'm honest I have always wondered what sex would be like with someone else. I was more than prepared to never find out as I didn't want to lie or cheat but that doesn't change the fact that that feeling is there. It did fade away almost to nothing around 10 years ago, but it's always been there a bit I think. Obviously, the current situation has reignited these feelings, but that doesn't mean I'm going to run out & have sex with the first person I can.

 

It may be hard for people who have not been in this situation to understand where I am coming from on this. It's very easy for people who have/had something to tell someone who hasn't that it's not worth it.

[FallenA]

Friend, take the test since she has agreed to do it and may not agree to do it later. It is reliable enough that every law enforcement service on the planet uses it and a good test administrator can tell when counter measures are being used. I have never read anyone saying they were sorry they took the test on this or any other infidelity site. It is still your best shot at the truth. Think very clearly about the questions you want to ask. They will often ask the same question in another way to confirm she is being truthful.

 

I mentioned "Joseph's Letter", please Google it, it has been around forever and is one of the best tools for a betrayed spouse to get his need to know the truth across to a wayward spouse. Please don't let people get to you, take what you believe is helpful to your situation from the advice posted, the rest just let it go. The thing to remember is that you will survive this.

No, they don't. I'm sorry but the science behind these things is completely bunk, which I have say I suspected before I started my research.

All research I could find that promoted the supposed 90%+ accuracy was produced in uncontrolled trials executed by polygraph technicians themselves. Any time they have been trialed independently they have shown an accuracy rate of 50%-60%, a flip of a coin would be just as effective.

 

Here's a couple of links, although I read a hell of a lot more than this last night.

Psychological sleuths--The polygraph in doubt

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-human-beast/201303/do-lie-detectors-work

 

Thank you for your other comment, I have to confess I'm a bit on edge so when people who really don't know me or my wife other than what's written here make ridiculous statements I am getting a bit annoyed about it.

I know there's lots of hurt people who probably see their own WW/WH when they read others stories & they don't really mean to do it but it does get a bit frustrating.

[aliveagain]

For the average man just the threat of a polygraph is enough for a parking lot confession. Trickle truth is one of the biggest causes of marriage break ups. What a way to remember the birth of your first child, an STD, infidelity. lying, she took so much away from you. Her nasty friend must of had more than friendship for her and was a big part of the problem but in the end your wife made the choice to betray you and than lie to you all these years, even after discovery. How are you going to handle the fact that your wife likes women, this is information you didn't have before, does it worry you? How are you going to deal with the imbalance the infidelity has caused?

 

I seriously recommend you google Joseph's Letter.

[FallenA]

For the average man just the threat of a polygraph is enough for a parking lot confession. Trickle truth is one of the biggest causes of marriage break ups. What a way to remember the birth of your first child, an STD, infidelity. lying, she took so much away from you. Her nasty friend must of had more than friendship for her and was a big part of the problem but in the end your wife made the choice to betray you and than lie to you all these years, even after discovery. How are you going to handle the fact that your wife likes women, this is information you didn't have before, does it worry you? How are you going to deal with the imbalance the infidelity has caused?

 

I seriously recommend you google Joseph's Letter.

 

Well like I said she thought it was a great idea, her reaction showed no fear or concern. She jumped at the chance to do one because she thought it would work.

After some of the heartbreaking stories I read last night (as well as scientific studies) of people either being accused of lying when they weren't or people passing the test & then it subsequently comes out that they were lying I actually think it could do more harm than good. The people who peddle those things should be ashamed of themselves.

 

I did know she has somewhat of an attraction to women so that wasn't new to me. That doesn't bother me in the slightest. Bisexual people are just as capable of being faithful as hetro people. It would be different if she said she was gay because obviously then I wouldn't be the one for her.

 

I have Googled that letter & I have rewritten it to suit our situation, but I am not giving it to her yet. I'm going to wait until she has had a few more IC sessions then I will give it to her.

 

"How are you going to deal with the imbalance the infidelity has caused?"

I'm not sure what you mean by this question, can you try again please.

[Rejected Rosebud]

Well to respond to your OP I don't think the sex lives of parents are the business or concern of the kids so please do whatever you can to let them grow up without having to be troubled by all of this mess please please!! When they are adults and maybe your story can help them in some way you might consider it but now?? :mad:

[LifesontheUp]

No, of course it won't fix the problems. I'm not thinking of this as some kind of magic bullet, indeed as I have stated several times, I'm not even thinking of doing ANYTHING anytime soon.

 

Doing this(NOT SAYING I WILL) would not be about fixing our relationship, it would be purely about me.

Think ahead. If we do make it through R, will I resent that she was my only one when she couldn't do that for me?

Will the curiosity become too much for me, just like it nearly did in the past?

I love my wife dearly but if I'm honest I have always wondered what sex would be like with someone else. I was more than prepared to never find out as I didn't want to lie or cheat but that doesn't change the fact that that feeling is there. It did fade away almost to nothing around 10 years ago, but it's always been there a bit I think. Obviously, the current situation has reignited these feelings, but that doesn't mean I'm going to run out & have sex with the first person I can.

 

It may be hard for people who have not been in this situation to understand where I am coming from on this. It's very easy for people who have/had something to tell someone who hasn't that it's not worth it.

 

I was my first husband's only one until he cheated 18 yrs later. For me not once did I think getting it on with an OM would help with our issues.

 

You talk like your situation is unique in that you were each others only ones ; that isn't the case.

 

Sounds to me that you may deep down look at this as your pass to do what has crossed your mind over the years.

[FallenA]

I was my first husband's only one until he cheated 18 yrs later. For me not once did I think getting it on with an OM would help with our issues.

 

You talk like your situation is unique in that you were each others only ones ; that isn't the case.

 

Sounds to me that you may deep down look at this as your pass to do what has crossed your mind over the years.

No it's not unique, but it is rare & most probably don't get it.

 

Also did you mean to say the HE was YOUR only one, if not the situation is not the same, is it?

If in fact you meant it how it's written it kind of proves my point to a certain extent. He had only ever had you & after 18 years he cracked. I'm sure there's a lot more to the story & I'm not trying to trivialise it.

[LifesontheUp]

I don't speak for my XH but we both got together young and were each others first (hope that explains better).

 

18 yrs later he cheated. But what I'm saying is I never thought was I missing anything. It seems to me you have had those feelings. With that in mind - I'll say it again. Do you see this as a pass to fulfill that dream you had of trying someone else? If so I think you need deep discussions with your wife first.

 

Your situation is not unique. People who cheat are liars and the end result usually devistates the faithful partner.

 

I think you should even up the score. That way you and your wife can feel like sh$t. Perhaps it'll make you feel better

[FallenA]

I don't speak for my XH but we both got together young and were each others first (hope that explains better).

 

18 yrs later he cheated. But what I'm saying is I never thought was I missing anything. It seems to me you have had those feelings. With that in mind - I'll say it again. Do you see this as a pass to fulfill that dream you had of trying someone else? If so I think you need deep discussions with your wife first.

 

Your situation is not unique. People who cheat are liars and the end result usually devistates the faithful partner.

 

I think you should even up the score. That way you and your wife can feel like sh$t. Perhaps it'll make you feel better

Yes, that does explain it better & the situation is pretty much identical.

I do find it hard to believe that you went from a teenager to your thirties & never wondered what it would be like with someone else. But, if you did, well done you, but I'm not sure that's a healthy thing to be honest.

 

Having sex with someone else has never been a "dream" & I never thought anything was missing from our relationship. I love my wife so I wasn't dreaming about hurting her & hoping to have sex with others.

It's a natural curiosity if you ask me.

 

And for what is probably the 100th time, I am not planning on doing anything now, the only time I give this aspect any thought is when I look at this thread.

[aliveagain]

Well like I said she thought it was a great idea, her reaction showed no fear or concern. She jumped at the chance to do one because she thought it would work.

After some of the heartbreaking stories I read last night (as well as scientific studies) of people either being accused of lying when they weren't or people passing the test & then it subsequently comes out that they were lying I actually think it could do more harm than good. The people who peddle those things should be ashamed of themselves.

 

I did know she has somewhat of an attraction to women so that wasn't new to me. That doesn't bother me in the slightest. Bisexual people are just as capable of being faithful as hetro people. It would be different if she said she was gay because obviously then I wouldn't be the one for her.

 

I have Googled that letter & I have rewritten it to suit our situation, but I am not giving it to her yet. I'm going to wait until she has had a few more IC sessions then I will give it to her.

 

"How are you going to deal with the imbalance the infidelity has caused?"

I'm not sure what you mean by this question, can you try again please.

 

You were led to believe that you were her only one before you married her and you believed that was still the case until recently. She is still your only one. Counting you and her threesomes and the one other man she slept with she is now up to 4 sexual partners assuming the threesomes included the same male each time. That is quite different than being her only one(which was the case when you asked her to marry you).

 

Had she told you of her infidelity before you married her you may not have married her. She took that choice away from you because she knew that infidelity was probably a deal breaker for you. You didn't get what she represented to you. What you got is someone that had unprotected sex with other people without concern for your safety or the paternity of your children. You got someone that would lie by omission and lie to deceive you.

Edited March 2, 2015 by aliveagain

[FallenA]

Well to respond to your OP I don't think the sex lives of parents are the business or concern of the kids so please do whatever you can to let them grow up without having to be troubled by all of this mess please please!! When they are adults and maybe your story can help them in some way you might consider it but now?? :mad:

I was talking about when they are adults. Only someone who hates their children could tell young kids something like that.

I said it earlier but it's a huge thread so it was easy for you to miss but I am talking about 18+.

[FallenA]

You were led to believe that you were her only one before you married her and you believed that was still the case until recently. She is still your only one. Counting you and her threesomes and the one other man she slept with she is now up to 4 sexual partners assuming the threesomes included the same male each time. That is quite different than being her only one(which was the case when you asked her to marry you).

 

Had she told you of her infidelity before you married her you may not have married her. She took that choice away from you because she knew that infidelity was probably a deal breaker for you. You didn't get what she represented to you. What you got is someone that had unprotected sex with other people without concern for your safety or the paternity of your children. You got someone that would lie by omission and lie to deceive you.

OK, I'm sorry I misunderstood your question but I do hope you enjoyed that attack. I will leave this place as I can see people are quite clearly unable to speak objectively.

[drifter777]

Friend, take the test since she has agreed to do it and may not agree to do it later. It is reliable enough that every law enforcement service on the planet uses it and a good test administrator can tell when counter measures are being used. I have never read anyone saying they were sorry they took the test on this or any other infidelity site. It is still your best shot at the truth. Think very clearly about the questions you want to ask. They will often ask the same question in another way to confirm she is being truthful.

 

I mentioned "Joseph's Letter", please Google it, it has been around forever and is one of the best tools for a betrayed spouse to get his need to know the truth across to a wayward spouse. Please don't let people get to you, take what you believe is helpful to your situation from the advice posted, the rest just let it go. The thing to remember is that you will survive this.

I think Joseph's Letter is good for a BS to read because it will help them understand why they have such a need to know certain details. It helps them understand that they have a right to know those details as a condition of reconciliation. The problem I have with it is it speaks with a far too weak and passive voice to the WS. Take out the crap about the WS's cheating hurting them in "much the same way it hurts me". There is just way too much pandering to the WS - nearly begging them to truthfully provide you with the details you need to know. This approach invites the WS to continue to pick & choose what they reveal and keep that power over the BS.

[aliveagain]

OK, I'm sorry I misunderstood your question but I do hope you enjoyed that attack. I will leave this place as I can see people are quite clearly unable to speak objectively.

 

 

This was not intended as an attack, this was intended as my understanding of events that are obvious to me and things that she needs to address to make you feel safe. This is the imbalance, the white elephant in the room. I was not attacking. I hope you stay because you came here for help.

[road]

My BALONEY meter has it's needle pegged full. Cause the reading is so high it went off the scale.

 

 

 

 

No, of course it won't fix the problems. I'm not thinking of this as some kind of magic bullet, indeed as I have stated several times, I'm not even thinking of doing ANYTHING anytime soon.

 

 

 

Wants to appear calm, rational, but after the manure is cleared away he builds in an escape clause. Notice he does not say never instead he puts in the anytime soon.

 

 

 

 

Doing this(NOT SAYING I WILL) would not be about fixing our relationship, it would be purely about me.

Think ahead. If we do make it through R, will I resent that she was my only one when she couldn't do that for me?

Will the curiosity become too much for me, just like it nearly did in the past?

 

 

 

 

Notice he not saying NO. Instead he is using faulty logic just the way a WW does to justify her affair.

 

As to rolling on the floor having a tantrum but my wife got to have sex with more people then me, waaaah!

 

dit-dit-dit-dit-dit-dit- News Flash (in the best Walter Winchell voice possible) Since the dawn of time people get married and they do not have the same number of sex partners. Another fake excuse.

 

 

I love my wife dearly but if I'm honest I have always wondered what sex would be like with someone else. I was more than prepared to never find out as I didn't want to lie or cheat but that doesn't change the fact that that feeling is there. It did fade away almost to nothing around 10 years ago, but it's always been there a bit I think. Obviously, the current situation has reignited these feelings, but that doesn't mean I'm going to run out & have sex with the first person I can.

 

 

 

This is a matter that needed to be addressed before you ever gt married to anyone.

 

 

 

 

It may be hard for people who have not been in this situation to understand where I am coming from on this. It's very easy for people who have/had something to tell someone who hasn't that it's not worth it.

 

 

 

 

You are still married. You have to bang other women then get divorced first.

 

 

How can you complain that your WW did not do right yet you want to do wrong as well?

 

 

Two wrongs never make a right. Though three left turns will make a right turn.

 

 

You are being called out because you are advocating going over to the Dark Side.

[FallenA]

This was not intended as an attack, this was intended as my understanding of events that are obvious to me and things that she needs to address to make you feel safe. This is the imbalance, the white elephant in the room. I was not attacking. I hope you stay because you came here for help.

I'm back but it's not for you. It appeared to me that you put that post in a way that you knew would hurt me the most, that's why I called it an attack.

[FallenA]

My BALONEY meter has it's needle pegged full. Cause the reading is so high it went off the scale.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are still married. You have to bang other women then get divorced first.

 

 

How can you complain that your WW did not do right yet you want to do wrong as well?

 

 

Two wrongs never make a right. Though three left turns will make a right turn.

 

 

You are being called out because you are advocating going over to the Dark Side.

Seriously my friend, you need to look up, open relationships, poly relationships & swingers. They all appear like foreign concepts to you.

You don't own relationships or the concept behind them & you have no right to say how CONSENTING adults view their relationship as right or wrong.

No where in any of my posts have I implied I would ever lie or cheat.

I say this without any reference to my own situation, you could just do with opening your mind a little.

[FallenA]

Hey baby, I know you know about this thread now. As you already know from this thread I went very James Bond after DDay. Yes, I told you the keylogger was a free trial & I would never use it again, but I lied & installed it on every PC in the house, just in case you used one of my old laptops. I don't feel good about that but I think the ends justify the means. Your phone has also been tracked by GPS since DDay & I have also seen every text message you sent/received & the details of every call you made/received.

This is why I'm so sure you have not done anything lately despite what people have said in here.

I know you have been faithful since we were married, simply because of the practicality of the situation. You didn't have a chance to cheat, even if you wanted to but I really don't know if you wanted to or not. A lot of people here will say you did, but they can only see what I have written & not what has actually happened in our lives since then. You should also not feel any ill will to the people here(although it's difficult with some of them), they are not talking about you personally, it's more mirroring their own situations. Unless of course they are saying you were a coward & a liar, they would be right on that & probably a few more things but I know you know what I mean by this.

It's obvious from some of the postings that we don't seem to think the same way about sex as most people here, I would say there seems to be a conservative trend & we are anything but that. They don't know how we have spoken about this topic & even if I said it some of them would never understand.

You know my only real issue is the deception & continued lying, if a relationship is build on sex then it's built on sand. I want to believe you when you say there is no more but right now I can't & I feel that is the biggest issue facing our relationship. Notice, I said relationship, not marriage, a piece of legal paper means absolutely f**k all, it's the relationship that matters. As you know I saw first hand in my childhood just how important that piece of paper was, it does not stop you from attempting to destroy those around you. It is a relationship that matters, not a marriage.

We talked tonight & (side note I think I should see a doc tomorrow, I think I really hurt my hand on the wall) I really thought I had that magic bullet to prove you were telling me everything but you kind of failed that test really. Now I don't know what to do. I want to believe there's nothing else, I really do but I just can't. I don't know how I move forward from this feeling. It's just not going to work if I can't believe you have told me everything you did.

Do you know one thing that hurts me the most baby, it was YOU who taught me to be honest. As you will know before you, I would lie just as quick as I would tell the truth. Lying came very natural to me. It was you that taught me to tell the truth & you were the only person who taught me what it really was to be a man. As you know I still struggle with things sometimes but if you look at where I am now & where I could have been(look around you know what I mean) I really do owe you my life. You know how I can be, imagine that without you around & then imagine just where I would be now.

It's because of this I have allowed the TT. I want to believe that you're just scared & not actually trying to hurt me more, but it has to stop.

Everything must come out now, not matter what. If you actually have any love for me then the BS must stop. I find it hard to believe that you can't have any love for me given just what you put up with to be with me & given how you have acted around me for the last 20 years so the lying has to end now.

Despite what people here will say, I can give you a pass for everything I know so far, you deserve it. F**k maybe I can give you a pass for sleeping with 100 guys but I can't say that until I know what you did. But there is something I can say for certain, if I can't get to a place where I KNOW you have told me of all the things you did then, it won't work. It's as simple as that.

You know I need the WHY too but lets get the 'Whats' out of the way first. If you can convince me that you have told me everything then you can use your IC to help you tell me why. You know I will understand the why a lot more than the 'sex is evil' people that seem to post here so don't be afraid. Just tell me, because the alternative to telling me everything is us breaking up in the very near future. Just to clarify baby, you know I love to clarify, I mean within the next month. The ball is in your court & I don't know what to tell you to do, figure it out or we can't go on. I have tried but your lies have blocked every solution I have thought of so it's down to you now.

 

P.S. if you're following don't expect a public response from her

Edited March 3, 2015 by FallenA

[FallenA]

I will never forget how you forgave me after that night baby. You told me how I didn't have to be that person, that it wasn't me, that wasn't who I was.

I am telling you that now, you don't have to be that lying cheat, just tell me the truth & we can move on together.

[sandylee1]

I can see you love your wife deeply from the letter. If I were her reading it, I would absolutely tell you the whole truth. You deserve it and I hope she realises that.

[HereNorThere]

It seems like FallenA has gone from victim to enabler.

 

FallenA, your wife is really, really sick. She is exhibiting classic personality disorder traits and I see you desperately trying to explain each one of them away as "incidents" instead of looking at the big picture.

 

Healthy people do not make up rape claims when they get busted cheating. That's a classic sign of someone with much bigger issues. If you aren't careful, it could be you that she makes the next false accusations against.

 

Cheating, threesomes, etc. are all part of the bigger picture. She's a con-artist cheat who very well could have conned you into paying for someone else's child. At any point, you could figure out the truth about her, but instead you just keep enabling her bad behavior. Making excuses, placating her rape claims, disregarding her STD test, refusing paternity test, letting her little white lies go unverified. You simply do not want the truth.

 

I do understand you are a victim of this person and I'm sorry. Until you let go of who you think she is and start seeing her for who she truly is, you'll always just be spinning the wheels. Everything you do with her, you do with a confirmation bias. You aren't looking for the truth, you're looking for a way to prove that she is still the good person you thought she was.

 

Dude, she isn't. Let it go. Accept her for who she truly is and WATCH YOUR BACK. She's gonna get you and it isn't going to be pretty. I imagine it ends with you penniless, in jail and without your kids.

 

I can only imagine the horrible things you'd uncover if you really went looking. After all, the only things you know now were the ones someone threw directly into your face.

Edited March 3, 2015 by HereNorThere

[LifesontheUp]

I agree his thinking is off. Seems to find it strange I can be faithful and not to have been tempted to sleep with anyone else during 18yrs.

 

News flash - I loved my husband and enjoyed our life including our sex life. I didn't need or think how he was my only one - what does that matter?

 

My current husband has had quite a number of sexual partners and he is my second. So what? This difference happens in lots if relationship too

 

You have a liar and cheating wife. You are using excuses to justify why SHE cheated and lied to you for many years. Hope she comes clean

[road]

Seriously my friend, you need to look up, open relationships, poly relationships & swingers. They all appear like foreign concepts to you.

You don't own relationships or the concept behind them & you have no right to say how CONSENTING adults view their relationship as right or wrong.

No where in any of my posts have I implied I would ever lie or cheat.

I say this without any reference to my own situation, you could just do with opening your mind a little.

 

 

 

You were the one that brought up the need to step out as a possible solution.

 

 

You get upset when people call you out for thinking about a RA and then using wording that came from the Jim Carney double speak book to avoid admitting that RA'ing is bad and do so without using uncertain terms.

 

 

You then talk about how people love open marriages and swinging.

 

 

You then fail to see all of the BH's that learned the hard way that open marriages lead to cheating and affairs then divorce with the WW now with the OM, broken families, kids living in two houses, shared custody, if the BH is lucky.

[lolablue17]

Your public way to turn to your wife might hurt her. I'm sure you didn't mean to, and it may show the distress you're in right now. i hope everything will be OK for you.