Her Friend Now & Our Kids In The Future

[DatingDirection]

The things she talked about in life generally, infidelity, threesomes, etc. Anyways, while i do feel bad to hear you were completely lied to, and she basically had a double life, a double face. i wish you all the best.

[FallenA]

The things she talked about in life generally, infidelity, threesomes, etc. Anyways, while i do feel bad to hear you were completely lied to, and she basically had a double life, a double face. i wish you all the best.

Maybe I'm being slow but I don't really get this. I mean she always spoke like infidelity was wrong, if that's what you mean.

She never condoned it before any of this & to be fair she hasn't tried to condone it since it came out.

 

Edit to add: the threesome really pisses my off as I did mention the possibility a few years before she had one but she ruled it out both with another guy or woman.

 

Please read my previous post as to why I'm so willing to try to make this work.

Edited March 1, 2015 by FallenA

[beach]

Exactly what happened to tip you off two days before the child was born?

[FallenA]

Exactly what happened to tip you off two days before the child was born?

We were in the hospital & things were not going well. A nurse walked in to the room & said in front of me that the STD test was inconclusive & she may have something that could harm the baby.

As I knew I didn't sleep with anyone else & she knew that too, then she knew she had to say something, which is where the rape story came from.

Look I know that was bad, very f***ing bad, but at that time I can really understand it. It's repeating that story a year later & convincing me it was the truth that hurts the most. Well, that & the repeated lying.

Edited March 1, 2015 by FallenA

[harrybrown]

Have her write out a timeline of the A and all of any infidelity.

 

Give her a deadline, this is important to you to avoid the trickle truth.

 

Tell her how continued lying makes her less trustworthy.

 

If she had a threesome, you really think that the OM did not touch her?

 

If you had a threesome, do you really think you would not touch one of the females in the threesome? I am sorry, but that does not pass the gut detector.

 

Hope you find some truth. So if you had a threesome without her, what would she do to you? would you be out on the street with only your clothes?

[FallenA]

Have her write out a timeline of the A and all of any infidelity.

 

Give her a deadline, this is important to you to avoid the trickle truth.

 

Tell her how continued lying makes her less trustworthy.

 

If she had a threesome, you really think that the OM did not touch her?

 

If you had a threesome, do you really think you would not touch one of the females in the threesome? I am sorry, but that does not pass the gut detector.

 

Hope you find some truth. So if you had a threesome without her, what would she do to you? would you be out on the street with only your clothes?

Oh no her touched her alright. She admitted that.

If I had a threesome now she would accept it, I have no doubt of that. She has said she does not deserve to be the only person I ever have sex with & has given me a "pass" to sleep with as many women as I need to in order to recover from this. She said she will not be happy about it but her main priority now is that I heal from this. She has offered to leave if that's what I want.

I don't want to sleep with loads of other women but I do think I will have to sleep with at least one other woman. I can't see myself living with the fact that I gave her something so special that she could not give to me.

Of course I won't lie about anything & anything I do will be in the open. I haven't really given much thought to this aspect yet but I do worry that if we R I will resent the fact that I have never been with another & she has.

[minimariah]

but what im saying is that there had to be warning signs, early on.

 

nawl.

 

people change & sometimes... there are no warning signs, at all. especially when it's only a one night stand type of affair. people like to think that every affair (infidelity) had warning signs early on because it makes them feel safer, it makes them feel like they can avoid being cheated on. newsflash - you can't.

 

Even if it doesn't work out & she hurts me again, she already earned her second chance long before she betrayed me. She really did save my life.

 

well, honey... in that case, give her a real chance. be open and honest with her and show her your pain. do your counseling and communicate with your W. it will be hard but it isn't impossible.

[FallenA]

nawl.

 

people change & sometimes... there are no warning signs, at all. especially when it's only a one night stand type of affair. people like to think that every affair (infidelity) had warning signs early on because it makes them feel safer, it makes them feel like they can avoid being cheated on. newsflash - you can't.

 

 

 

well, honey... in that case, give her a real chance. be open and honest with her and show her your pain. do your counseling and communicate with your W. it will be hard but it isn't impossible

This is exactly what I want to do, but I need the truth before I can do it. Like I said she really earned this chance long before any of this but I know without the truth I won't be able to move on.

If I told everyone here the things I did when we were younger then they would all be saying she was right to cheat on me. Seriously, in most peoples mind what I did was worse than infidelity yet she forgave me almost instantly. This is why I have to give her a chance.

I'm typing this with tears in my eyes because every time I think about how she spoke to me that day just melts me. It was that day that made me into a real normal person rather than the monster I was becoming.

[minimariah]

Like I said she really earned this chance long before any of this but I know without the truth I won't be able to move on.

 

ask her about everything & explain to her how important the truth is to you and your relationship. one thing tho... you probably won't ever know for sure she told you everything - you will just have to trust her. it's how trust works anyway. it will be hard and you will definitely keep doubting but it is what it is. things can never be the same anyway so you'll have to adapt the best way you possibly can.

[road]

Oh no her touched her alright. She admitted that.

If I had a threesome now she would accept it, I have no doubt of that. She has said she does not deserve to be the only person I ever have sex with & has given me a "pass" to sleep with as many women as I need to in order to recover from this. She said she will not be happy about it but her main priority now is that I heal from this. She has offered to leave if that's what I want.

I don't want to sleep with loads of other women but I do think I will have to sleep with at least one other woman. I can't see myself living with the fact that I gave her something so special that she could not give to me.

Of course I won't lie about anything & anything I do will be in the open. I haven't really given much thought to this aspect yet but I do worry that if we R I will resent the fact that I have never been with another & she has.

 

 

 

 

The thought of having a RA, revenge affair may sound great to your ego. Though two things will happen. You will still leave you feeling empty afterwards and it will cause your WW pain and more baggage to drag on your recovery.

[FallenA]

The thought of having a RA, revenge affair may sound great to your ego. Though two things will happen. You will still leave you feeling empty afterwards and it will cause your WW pain and more baggage to drag on your recovery.

No it wouldn't be a RA as such. It's not about revenge. It's more about fairness I guess. Why should she be my only one when she couldn't do that for me.

Like I say she has given me a "pass" to be honest given my self esteem at the moment I doubt I could use that pass, but I do worry, will I resent the fact that she was my only one in 15 years time? maybe it would be best to get it out of my system but I don't see it happening soon as I'm not a "party" guy. I'm a family guy.

FYI she has offered to have a threesome with me & any other woman I can find, not sure about that one either.

[FallenA]

ask her about everything & explain to her how important the truth is to you and your relationship. one thing tho... you probably won't ever know for sure she told you everything - you will just have to trust her. it's how trust works anyway. it will be hard and you will definitely keep doubting but it is what it is. things can never be the same anyway so you'll have to adapt the best way you possibly can.

Here's the thing, I've been given numerous reasons why & then they always change. This is why I'm putting everything on her IC. If she can't give me the truth after a few weeks of that I have to give up.

She deserves a big chance given our past, which is why I have not immediately ended things due to TT, but I can't give anymore chances without destroying myself. I need this to start moving towards a resolution or I know I will end up eating myself from the inside out.

[minimariah]

Here's the thing, I've been given numerous reasons why & then they always change. This is why I'm putting everything on her IC. If she can't give me the truth after a few weeks of that I have to give up.

She deserves a big chance given our past, which is why I have not immediately ended things due to TT, but I can't give anymore chances without destroying myself. I need this to start moving towards a resolution or I know I will end up eating myself from the inside out.

 

okay... i get it, i get it. give her a little more time then? and let her know how serious you are and how close to dumping her you are if she keeps changing her story. let her know you're ready to hear it all.

 

and see what happens. but hey... even if it doesn't work out? you tried. that's life and it always goes on. good luck, sweetie.

[FallenA]

okay... i get it, i get it. give her a little more time then? and let her know how serious you are and how close to dumping her you are if she keeps changing her story. let her know you're ready to hear it all.

 

and see what happens. but hey... even if it doesn't work out? you tried. that's life and it always goes on. good luck, sweetie.

Thank you, your posts have been very helpful.

[SawtoothMars]

No it wouldn't be a RA as such. It's not about revenge. It's more about fairness I guess. Why should she be my only one when she couldn't do that for me.

Like I say she has given me a "pass" to be honest given my self esteem at the moment I doubt I could use that pass, but I do worry, will I resent the fact that she was my only one in 15 years time? maybe it would be best to get it out of my system but I don't see it happening soon as I'm not a "party" guy. I'm a family guy.

FYI she has offered to have a threesome with me & any other woman I can find, not sure about that one either.

 

So... if not for the STD test she would never have been honest with you?

 

Generally speaking I think your wife sounds like a good person. I think she did something that she now regrets.... but also chose to be a coward and hide it from you.

 

I know tons of people will hate your idea of sleeping with someone else... but I get it. I don't really think you will be able to go through with it unless you get a prostitute. Even then I'm not sure you will. Until you come back and say it's been done... I think this is just talk.

 

I can tell you from experience that this removes your moral high ground... BUT it also takes away your hate and resentment... plus restores a good chunk of your self esteem. However it has to be done right. You can't fall into an affair, and hiring a prostitute leaves you feeling empty. Picking up a girl from a bar for a one night stand is freaking hard as hell.

 

My friend in your situation actually fell into an affair for nearly 2 years. His wife got extremely upset that one time turned into more like two hundred... and they divorced. On the positive side he is now married to the woman he had an affair with and they are both very happy.

[TexasMan68]

I'd be pissed she didn't ask you to join the threesome!!! Some people!!

[FallenA]

So... if not for the STD test she would never have been honest with you?

 

Generally speaking I think your wife sounds like a good person. I think she did something that she now regrets.... but also chose to be a coward and hide it from you.

 

I know tons of people will hate your idea of sleeping with someone else... but I get it. I don't really think you will be able to go through with it unless you get a prostitute. Even then I'm not sure you will. Until you come back and say it's been done... I think this is just talk.

 

I can tell you from experience that this removes your moral high ground... BUT it also takes away your hate and resentment... plus restores a good chunk of your self esteem. However it has to be done right. You can't fall into an affair, and hiring a prostitute leaves you feeling empty. Picking up a girl from a bar for a one night stand is freaking hard as hell.

 

My friend in your situation actually fell into an affair for nearly 2 years. His wife got extremely upset that one time turned into more like two hundred... and they divorced. On the positive side he is now married to the woman he had an affair with and they are both very happy.

 

Who knows if she would have ever told me anything without the STD test. Probably not.

 

Yes, the whole sleeping with someone else is just talk. I don't want to use a prostitute, I have nothing against them or people who use them, but it's just not for me.

I'm not sure it would be bothering me as much if I actually had slept with someone else in my life, I don't know.

All I can say is that I won't lie to her or any other woman for that matter, so that would make it a little awkward to find someone I think.

I'm not sure most women respond well to guys who are married & only want to use them for sex, although reading this forum sometimes I wonder!

[Nawlins]

FallenA,

It appears you are on two different paths at the same time; getting the truth from her and having an affair of your own. When my exWW and I were attempting to reconcile, I thought of having my own affair, but came to the realization that that wasn’t going to get me closer to the truth of the “why” she did it. May I suggest just focusing on getting the truth from her for now and forgetting the affair? It appears you’ve made a decision that if you don’t get the truth you will separate from her so why bring another affair into this situation? Just my two cents…

[FallenA]

FallenA,

It appears you are on two different paths at the same time; getting the truth from her and having an affair of your own. When my exWW and I were attempting to reconcile, I thought of having my own affair, but came to the realization that that wasn’t going to get me closer to the truth of the “why” she did it. May I suggest just focusing on getting the truth from her for now and forgetting the affair? It appears you’ve made a decision that if you don’t get the truth you will separate from her so why bring another affair into this situation? Just my two cents…

 

Like I said the "affair" is just talk, although if everyone is aware of the situation can it still be called an affair?

My main goal at the moment is the truth, I'm putting no time or energy into trying to have sex with another woman. It's just something that has crossed my mind so I mentioned it. It was actually her who suggested it first, her logic was quite similar to mine, she does not deserve to be my only one when she could not give that to me.

Nothing will happen until I know the truth or we split, but I'm trying to be optimistic & think further than a month or two ahead.

[aliveagain]

Like I said the "affair" is just talk, although if everyone is aware of the situation can it still be called an affair?

My main goal at the moment is the truth, I'm putting no time or energy into trying to have sex with another woman. It's just something that has crossed my mind so I mentioned it. It was actually her who suggested it first, her logic was quite similar to mine, she does not deserve to be my only one when she could not give that to me.

Nothing will happen until I know the truth or we split, but I'm trying to be optimistic & think further than a month or two ahead.

 

Friend it is called cheating, dishonesty, lying and it is the worst form of disrespect that a spouse can show their partner. Withholding information from you is just more disrespect because she is choosing to protect them over you.

 

You will have to confirm paternity of your children at some point purely for medical reasons, who knows what emergencies may arise, you need to know the family medical history. There must be more that she is afraid to tell you. Don't waste anymore time feeling guilty about her nasty girlfriend, after all the threesomes wouldn't have happened if she wasn't agreeable to it. lets face it, she fu*ked your wife, she's no friend of your marriage. You may want to Google Joseph's Letter, change it to address it to her, this will explaine your need to know.

 

Two things you need to do immediately, talk to a lawyer so you understand your rights because you don't know how deep this rabbit hole goes yet and book a polygraph. There is only one way to get to the truth when you can't believe anything coming out of her mouth. Yes she helped you in the past but friend, she is having unprotected sex with men and women, she has put your life and the life of your children at danger. There are many ways to get an STD and she has already shown you how reckless she can be.

Edited March 1, 2015 by aliveagain

[Selfish]

I wouldn't call a freebie and affair or cheating. But it could still cause you more harm than good. For instance, your with one only could cause you to be more emotionally bonded when you do go to have sex with a new person. And yes this can happen when your in such an emotionally fragile time. She also might see it as a reason to feel "less guilty" even though a freebie does no such thing. Is not the same. Does not change what she did.

 

That said because of the uniqueness of your situation in how many sexual partners you have I would let her know should R go forward that you would like to keep that freebie on the back burner (or the threesome) until you are at an emotionally better place or the marriage is. And then decide if you will even that score for lack of a better word.

[aliveagain]

Just to be clear, the cheating and disrespect comment I posted is in reference to your wife, I miss read your post. Agreeing to a revenge affair is her easy way out of not having to tell you the extent of her betrayal. She and her girlfriend have been friends a long time and your just finding out just what kind of friendship they really had. Tell her she has one chance to give you all the truth than book the polygraph if the polygraph shows that she is still lying you will ask her to leave and file for divorce.

 

She was there, she knows the truth so ether the truth is so bad she knows you'll leave her if she tells you or she has feelings for this other man and wants to protect him. Both are bad for you. Try Joseph's letter first than the polygraph. How much more disrespect can she show you after all?

[SawtoothMars]

Who knows if she would have ever told me anything without the STD test. Probably not.

Yes, the whole sleeping with someone else is just talk. I don't want to use a prostitute, I have nothing against them or people who use them, but it's just not for me.

I'm not sure it would be bothering me as much if I actually had slept with someone else in my life, I don't know.

All I can say is that I won't lie to her or any other woman for that matter, so that would make it a little awkward to find someone I think.

I'm not sure most women respond well to guys who are married & only want to use them for sex, although reading this forum sometimes I wonder!

 

Um... there are definitely ladies who are looking for this kind of no-strings arrangement with a married guy. Some websites cater to this type of thing and although it costs some money and there are lots of scams... if you are in good shape you can probably find something.

 

Remember it isn't just men using women for sex... the reverse is also true.

 

Also, I would like to point out that she did try another guy... but still married you. It may be safe to assume that the other man was not an impressive experience.

[AlwaysGrowing]

From my experience, if a person is a person who has limited their sexual partners due to how they view sex/relationships then goes against their core self during an emotional time in their life...they have a more difficult time moving forward in a healthy way.

 

Make no mistake about it, if you agree to pursue outside parties regardless of how "honest" you are with the other two.....you would be lying to yourself...that you are a man who views infidelity as wrong. It will be that contradiction or dissonance that will hard to integrate with your perception of "self".

 

It is much more healthier for one to end the relationship that is driving the need to "balance the books". Far more healthier to process/grieve the past relationship and all that was lost. More true to "self" to enter any new relationships with ones internal boundaries clearly defined.

[sandylee1]

Who knows if she would have ever told me anything without the STD test. Probably not.

 

Yes, the whole sleeping with someone else is just talk. I don't want to use a prostitute, I have nothing against them or people who use them, but it's just not for me.

I'm not sure it would be bothering me as much if I actually had slept with someone else in my life, I don't know.

All I can say is that I won't lie to her or any other woman for that matter, so that would make it a little awkward to find someone I think.

I'm not sure most women respond well to guys who are married & only want to use them for sex, although reading this forum sometimes I wonder!

 

I totally understand wanting to have another I'd feel exactly the same tbh.

 

That shouldn't be your focus right now though. You need the truth from her. You need to see remorse and she needs to read 'how to help your spouse heal from an affair '.

 

I think your marriage is worth saving. It will take time to get the trust back. You say she deserves a second chance for her rescuing you in the past.

 

About lying to her if there is any more....I'm not sure that's a great idea. Don't make any promises about it.