sandylee1 Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 I've been thinking a couple of things. When she said can we just raise the kids in a loving non sexual marriage, OP, do you think she was willing to go without sex for the rest of your marriage or until the kids go to college? Or was she going to find OM or someone else to satisfy those needs that she clearly has. I've just never known of one's spark coming back so quickly. I really hope she's not using your weakness to get her way. I've done that myself, but not in a cheating scenario. Knowing you were adamant (which you have every right to be), she may not be altogether genuine here. It is possible to recognise you are loosing a really good thing. To realise you should have been more appreciative, I get that, as I've learned to be more appreciative of my H of late (again not through any cheating ). Just be on alert. Btw, checking phones etc means little if she has a secret phone. Be vigilant. Link to post Share on other sites
SawtoothMars Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 (edited) What would you all suggest as next steps? First and foremost... make sure you are happy and healthy. Next, make sure to do two things moving forward.... watch her like a hawk and address the issues that made her affair possible. It seriously can drive you mad to play detective all day, but this will actually help you to rebuild trust. People who don't do this struggle more because they are afraid to look. In addition, there is a reason your wife decided to mess around. You need to communicate with her like crazy about this. Dig like an archaeologist. Find out what WHY and do not take easy answers! Superficial answers will allow you to fix the issue. Also... be prepared to realize that the affair might have been caused simply by you being a pussy. I realize afterwards that this is was a large chunk of my problem... and the problem of most men in this situation. Look around and you will see that women don't often cheat on Aholes... it's usually the doormats. Edited March 10, 2015 by SawtoothMars Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 .....and now a word of warning. This may all seem random and and unique onto you since you are the one going through it. But all of these scenarios tend to follow the same script and tend to play out in surprisingly predictable patterns and stages. At some point in th upcoming days and weeks, she is going to suddenly realize that she is sitting in some little apartment without her kids and without the OM and she is going to realize that you are serious and that you may actually move on without her (she will really realize this once she sees other women flairing their tails around you) At some point, she is going to show up on your doorstep wearing some slinky little sump'n sump' n underneath her clothes and she is going to seduce you like a who're in heat. It will be nasty, off the charts porn sex and she will be doing things that she has never done with you before ( keep reminding yourself she did do them with the OM though) She may even try to get pregnant. You will be very tempted to think that she has miraculously came to her senses and turned the corner and you are now on your way to a happy, blissful marriage - BUT............. this is all an illusion and big mindfck. It isn't real. She knows sexuality is your Achilles Heal and knows that's what you want most. Once she realizes she may lose her home and 24/7 access to the kids and may truly spend her indefinite future in an apt, she will use her sexuality to soften your stance and let her back in and continue to serve her. The problem is, it's not a true desire and not a true attraction or true passion. It's a ruse and she won't be able to maintain it. After she has you sufficiently snowed, her sex will turn off like a Fawcett and you'll spend the rest of your days as platonic roommates and it will be even harder to get away the next time. Worse yet, she will still have desires and needs, just not for you. and she will start to cheat again. Only this time she will be a lot smarter and a lot better to cover her tracks. She will be getting her needs met on the side while you suffer in quiet desperation. Then when the kids are off in college or even completely on their own, you will come home one day loading her stuff into a moving van and she will say she put everything into raising her family and now she needs to go "find herself." Think this is farfetched? Guess again. This is the script. This is how it plays out all over the world when guys open their hearts to women that don't desire them and get their thrills with other men. This is right out of the WW Handbook. If you aren't able to harden your heart enough to move on even after she lays you like tile, then don't go there. If your heart is like a concrete bunker and your soul is set on moving on and living free without even if she does finally do anal like you've always wanted, then go ahead and fill her @$$ and then keep your date with that sexy blond down the street the next night and keep on trucking. Remember the boundaries with the three classifications of women. She is a combination of #1 and #3. She is not your special someone any more. Don't treat her like she is. I called this one several days ago. Perhaps you should read this again. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted March 10, 2015 Share Posted March 10, 2015 Also, you need to look up the term, "hovering." That is another standard play out of the cheaters playbook and that is very likely what is taking place here and you are at a very high risk of falling for it. Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 agoodperson: Yes, as has been pointed out you aren't at the finish line yet. However, this is a really good start. The 180 works when you are finally committed to just ending it. You can't fake it and hope it works - you have to be DONE! It sounds like you got to that point and she could feel that you were not bluffing any longer. That's something she will never forget - that she can push you too far. Understand that all the sex right now is somewhat of a manipulation on her part. It's all she has left to appeal to you with and she'll use it to keep you satisfied. She knows that threatening you with OM or ending the marriage has no power any longer. You called HER bluff. This is tremendous progress! You are in charge of the relationship right now and she's willing to give you all the nookie you can handle to keep you. Clearly, she has a long, long way to go to even begin earning back trust. And, other than some tears right now, you haven't seen any real remorse from her. Now that you've shaken her up and, hopefully, snapped her out of her fantasy life, its time to make sure she understands that you haven't decided whether you are going to give her a second chance. That you are willing to try but she has to be willing to do whatever is necessary to repair the damage she's done. You MUST continue to hold the bar high and go right back to divorce if she won't or can't maintain NC & provide transparency & show remorse for it all. If you don't then all of this work you've done and pain you've endured up until now is wasted. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
drifter777 Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 BTW - off topic but I have to say this: the 180 is NOT a strategy. It is the place a BS gets to when they know divorce is better than going on like this. Very often it does scare WS back to reality and they come back begging for another chance. But, whether they do or not, the BS has taken positive action toward their own healing. Not healing WS or the marriage - healing themselves. If the WS is just cake-eating this scares the living sh*t out of them and things change real quick. The 180 is the BS committing to ending the relationship due to all the horror the WS has caused them and the family. That's the only way it works. You can't fake it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted March 11, 2015 Share Posted March 11, 2015 Yes, keep up the 180. Has she written a timeline of the A for you? Has she exposed to others about her A and how she cheated on you? Have her sign to give up custody of the kids and she will pay child support if you D. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
workathome Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 AGP, How are things going? You haven't posted in a while. Link to post Share on other sites
KingwoodMan Posted March 19, 2015 Share Posted March 19, 2015 You're better off. Someone who would ruin other people's lives over penis is not worth having in your life. She's a low quality human being. Keep her away from you and the kids (if possible). They don't need negative role models like that in their lives. Associate with good people. Find a woman that will love you and knows what marriage is. Is it always honeymoon sex? Of course not, it would be ridiculous for anyone to think it always will be. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
workathome Posted April 2, 2015 Share Posted April 2, 2015 AGP, Any updates? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts