Trying To Reconcile Update

[beach]

Ya know, when I really love someone and want to be with them I really want to have sex with them.

 

She's not that into you.

 

If you really need to stay that much then realize you're not likely to get sex from her.

[JS84]

Umm she clearly doesn't want to be intimate with you. She has no passion for you. I'm not sure if you're in denial or what but I wouldn't describe your situation as going "great" by any means.

 

Her excuse sounds completely ridiculous as well. I can't believe you're even entertaining it. It sounds like she's going through the motions but even then can only take it so far.

[beach]

And it's her power play. She's still in charge by with holding sex.

 

Since she still holds all the power - you are still at the mercy of her and have less chance of this going well.

 

Are you sure she's not still getting sex with someone else? Sorry to ask, but it seems possible.

[fellini]

I think it is an error to link sexual activities with intimacy at such a demanding degree. Intimacy permeates a deeply loving relationship and sex is just one more expression of it.

 

Are you going to tell me that after 19 years of marriage that you are going to base the future of the rest of your life on not having had sex for 2 weeks? Isn't it possible that you want hysterical bonding in order to put the nail on the coffin of her infidelity? Is it possible you want this not just for intimacy but to close a door?

 

I ask this because it was you that said you only wanted her if she truly wanted you. if every thing else is great, work with that. Look, im not in any camp that wants to see you two apart, but nor am I right to thimk you two can make it.

 

I remember once in my own marriage not wanting to make love for more than a month - a decade before my wife cheated. Sh-t happens. Had my WW come to this forum I take it to mean we might have been divorced At this point.

 

Put your eye on the path. Stay there, but show some flexibility because it's a journey of two, not one, and try to be patient. I dont know anyone who really just wants to live with another without intimacy. Go with Eric Clapton on this: Plant your love and let it grow.

[Darren Steez]

You'll note that..

 

She's the one that is controlling what is going on here and you're just tagging along.

 

My guess is when she finally does GIVE you the sex, you'll take it like a famished person who hasn't eaten in a week.

 

This is a train wreck. All I'm reading is what she's doing, how she feels, how long it will take for her.

 

Good luck to you man, you're going to need it.

[agoodperson]

I think it is an error to link sexual activities with intimacy at such a demanding degree. Intimacy permeates a deeply loving relationship and sex is just one more expression of it.

 

Are you going to tell me that after 19 years of marriage that you are going to base the future of the rest of your life on not having had sex for 2 weeks? Isn't it possible that you want hysterical bonding in order to put the nail on the coffin of her infidelity? Is it possible you want this not just for intimacy but to close a door?

 

I ask this because it was you that said you only wanted her if she truly wanted you. if every thing else is great, work with that. Look, im not in any camp that wants to see you two apart, but nor am I right to thimk you two can make it.

 

I remember once in my own marriage not wanting to make love for more than a month - a decade before my wife cheated. Sh-t happens. Had my WW come to this forum I take it to mean we might have been divorced At this point.

 

Put your eye on the path. Stay there, but show some flexibility because it's a journey of two, not one, and try to be patient. I dont know anyone who really just wants to live with another without intimacy. Go with Eric Clapton on this: Plant your love and let it grow.

 

I think you may be right. I think I am linking sex with everything is going to be okay. If that is the case, then what should I be looking for in this reconciliation? There is no contact between her and OM. We are getting counseling. We are "dating" in order to reignite passion. Because I am doing these things, half the people on here say I am doomed and not in control. I bed to differ. I am the one at home with the kids that can say it is over at any give time. Don't confuse me trying to reconcile with being a whipped. I realize what is going on. I know she is trying to call the shots. That is why I write my story. I hear people here and know they are not wrong. But, I am a full month into this reconciliation and b it has been a roller coaster for me. I have good days with my emotions and then bad days. Today was great with her but bad for my emotions when I got home by myself. I am preparing myself for 2 possible outcomes over the next few weeks/months, we return to a great marriage with all that means OR I tell her that I want the divorce because I don't want to live in a passionless marriage and that we tried but failed to find it. Everyone's help on here will assist me in reaching one of these final conclusions and I will eventually have the closure I deserve.

[Nawlins]

And it's her power play. She's still in charge by with holding sex.

 

Since she still holds all the power - you are still at the mercy of her and have less chance of this going well.

 

Are you sure she's not still getting sex with someone else? Sorry to ask, but it seems possible.

 

I agree, but AGP has some power in this situation as well. When she’s ready to move home, and AGP cannot really stop her I’m guessing since they own the home together, he can decide if it’s worth continuing the marriage. AGP, now may be the time to ensure you have your plans in place to divorce if the situation with your WS is not progressing to your satisfaction. In fact, part of me wonders if perhaps you should proceed with a legal separation or divorce so you can come back to your relationship, married or not, on terms that are best for the both of you.

[agoodperson]

I agree, but AGP has some power in this situation as well. When she’s ready to move home, and AGP cannot really stop her I’m guessing since they own the home together, he can decide if it’s worth continuing the marriage. AGP, now may be the time to ensure you have your plans in place to divorce if the situation with your WS is not progressing to your satisfaction. In fact, part of me wonders if perhaps you should proceed with a legal separation or divorce so you can come back to your relationship, married or not, on terms that are best for the both of you.

 

I have made her sign a custody agreement when she left about 7 weeks ago. It made me the custodial parent and has the kids sleeping at my house 6 out of 7 nights. I then had a judge make it an order. (Told her that if she left, this was a must...she okayed it just to get away i think...it was before the OM dumped her) So I am a bit on that path of getting my ducks lined up for a divorce. (Not that I want one) I have also gotten all my financial affairs straighten and ready for a permanent split. When it came to that side of the equation, I have all the power. I am the person in the marriage that did all of the bills and such. She really has no idea what money we have and what she would get if we divorced. It is a hell of a lot less than she thinks after I paid off of debts when she left. She was thinking 40k and no debt. She would be at 30 debt and only 5k cash now. With her lifestyle and paying me child support, she would be broke in a year max. But I know she doesn't realize this and only I know what is going on with the money. (I have an MBA and teach Finance for a living so it was always my thing)

 

Divorce really is not the road I want, and I will fight for this relationship. But if she doesn't fight like I am or doesn't give me the kind of love a marriage should have, I have made up my mind that I would rather be alone then tortured with a life of her here with me but no passion. (even though we are good together as everything else except in the bedroom) I know I sound bad for this, but I am too young and loving not to receive that kind of affection anymore. Am I wrong?

[Nawlins]

AGP,

I’m not saying if you are right or wrong, that is a choice only you can make. I only want to help you to ensure that if your efforts go south, you have your plan in place to make it as easy as possible on you and the children.

[oldshirt]

responses in bold below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Divorce really is not the road I want, and I will fight for this relationship. But if she doesn't fight like I am or doesn't give me the kind of love a marriage should have, I have made up my mind that I would rather be alone then tortured with a life of her here with me but no passion.

 

 

Yes, that is a very good way to look at it. If you were free and single, you would have the freedom to basically do what you want and each new day would bring countless opportunities.

If you remain with someone who doesn't love you, doesn't desire you and only wants you there to support and provide service to them, you are simply stuck and at a dead end.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(even though we are good together as everything else except in the bedroom)

 

 

this is like a battered woman saying that her abusive husband is perfect in every way except for the beatings.

 

 

I know I sound bad for this, but I am too young and loving not to receive that kind of affection anymore. Am I wrong?

 

 

Absolutely not. This is the one thing you've said out of this whole mess that is 100% on the money.

Everyone has a right to loving and affectionate and full-service relationship that includes romance/sexuality as one of it's cornerstones and everyone has the right to pursue that when it is no longer there. She is in love with another man and has no romantic/sexual desire for you anymore. you are within your right to work out a cooperative and compassionate coparenting agreement with her to continue to raise your children in two loving, supportive but separate homes and to amicably dissolve the marriage and move forward with your life with someone else that does love and desire you.

 

 

[beach]

I'm glad you have things in order.

 

The one with that cares the most has the least amount of power. Looks like she has the most power now - since you're willing to ask her for sex and she says no.

 

Can you not mention sex to her again? Can you decline seeing her or getting together one out of three times she asks?

 

Start being more unavailable to her schedule. Get busy doing other things... So busy that you have good reason to say no. It may make her CHASE YOU until you catch her...

[agoodperson]

I'm glad you have things in order.

 

The one with that cares the most has the least amount of power. Looks like she has the most power now - since you're willing to ask her for sex and she says no.

 

Can you not mention sex to her again? Can you decline seeing her or getting together one out of three times she asks?

 

Start being more unavailable to her schedule. Get busy doing other things... So busy that you have good reason to say no. It may make her CHASE YOU until you catch her...

 

Can I ask for sex? Yes, but she will say no. Can I not go over to her place? Did that today and told her I had things to do. (Went shopping for new outfits since I have lost 30 lbs and now look like I did in college...argggg) Matter of fact, she just wrote me that she misses me. I AM making myself more unavailable going forward. I bought tons of great outfits for myself and look fantastic physically. 6'3" and a tight 185 now. Have been working on myself foe the 7 weeks and it is definitely showing. I feel like I can do anything. But mentally, I am still struggling. I am FINALLY starting to play hard to get. It is not no contact, which regret not doing, but I will call it turning the tables. I know I ****ed up when I let my emotions control me, but now I truly am trying to get the control back and make her miss me. If I beg, she will not care, but if I don't care, she will beg. I hate playing ****ing brain games, but it is textbook psychology 101. Women always want what they can't have. It is the forbidden syndrome. Your thoughts.

[beach]

I think it's very good you are taking care of yourself and looking for ways to improve. Keep doing more of that!

 

Become more independent - maybe so much so that she gets a firm idea that you don't "need her".

 

Go out and have fun on your own - start creating some distance from her and look for things to do. Meet up groups or a few classes that interest you would certainly help. Go to a movie or ask a friend to go bowling or hiking... Anything!

 

Be SO busy that she doesn't have those "opportunities" to gain power over you... By saying no to sex. It's a passive aggressive/very manipulative move on her part.

 

IF a gal was "all in" she would be looking for every single way to get connected to you - but she isn't! She knows she's punishing you and she likes it. That's mean and cruel.

 

If not you, then who? I'm serious... She may more than one OM. How can you sure she isn't seeing other men while she lives on her own? You can't. She could have a burner phone she uses.

 

Most gals that like attention from men will not go long without sex - she must be getting it from someone.

 

Just saying - it's more likely than not - because IF she was willing to EARN you back she wouldn't be manipulating you by punishing you this way.

 

It's just another one of her tactics to keep you paying her way. It's working, isn't it?

 

If you filed for divorce and intended to end it - you could have opportunities to meet a woman who would treat you kindly without all the games and power plays.

[HereNorThere]

Can I ask for sex? Yes, but she will say no. Can I not go over to her place? Did that today and told her I had things to do. (Went shopping for new outfits since I have lost 30 lbs and now look like I did in college...argggg) Matter of fact, she just wrote me that she misses me. I AM making myself more unavailable going forward. I bought tons of great outfits for myself and look fantastic physically. 6'3" and a tight 185 now. Have been working on myself foe the 7 weeks and it is definitely showing. I feel like I can do anything. But mentally, I am still struggling. I am FINALLY starting to play hard to get. It is not no contact, which regret not doing, but I will call it turning the tables. I know I ****ed up when I let my emotions control me, but now I truly am trying to get the control back and make her miss me. If I beg, she will not care, but if I don't care, she will beg. I hate playing ****ing brain games, but it is textbook psychology 101. Women always want what they can't have. It is the forbidden syndrome. Your thoughts.

 

 

This may be the healthiest thing I've ever seen you write. At least you're finally getting it. Don't get me wrong, I think it's unfair that you should have to sell out your principles to compete for your wife, but at least you get it now. It sucks because you shouldn't have to treat the mother of your children like a college girl from match.com, but it is what it is.

[beach]

Let's say she agrees to sex... It doesn't indicate everything is ok.

 

You need to look within to find out WHY you would think that. It's not true. Find out what you can DO differently that gives you a new end result.

 

But know this - sex does NOT equate to things being ok - ESPECIALLY when she is using it like a weapon!

[keenandeager]

Are you sure there is no contact with the OM? My thoughts are that by not having sex with you, she could be trying to say/prove honestly to the OM that she is no longer having sex with you. Does she know you are on this site? Could she be using this thread as proof?

 

I came across my WH OW writings on a blog site, I traced the user name back 2 years. It was horrid, but such an eye opener. That was 3 years ago. I responded to a post 1.5 years ago. The postings stopped.

[beach]

Drop by her apartment at odd hours to see what she's doing.

 

Think about it - you're paying for her apt and for her to do what she prefers with her time and energy. Stop paying!

 

Make her pay her own way!!!! She can work and earn money to support HERSELF! When she has to pay her own way you may realize if she's using you for money but no sex given.

 

Stop funding anything FOR her! She can figure that out herself! And don't HELP her in any way!

 

She either wants you and only you or she doesn't - this is one step to find out what motivates her to stay but stringing you along.

[workathome]

Update...the last 2 days have been very nice. We have spent some time together alone. (Nothing serious...just watching TV and talking) She set up a double date with another couple for tonight. She qualified this with that she was only having a drink and not going out to party. So I took it as we are having dinner and that is it so don't get your hopes up...which really stung my ego. I will say that in 17 years of being together, we never went more than a week without making love. We are at 2 weeks and it is killing me. I realize that sex is not everything, but boy do I miss it. She has played the part of wife better than she has in years over the last week with exception to sex. She wants to take that slow so she doesn't feel like she is just doing it. Like I said, everything else is perfect except that. Am I over thinking this? How long do you go before you throw in the towel and say that we are not meant for each other romantically and end the relationship? (Am I wrong for wanting to live with someone who wants me?) At this point, she talks about the future with confidence. Tonight she discussed moving home again and was very happy about it. I, on the other hand, stopped her and said I hope you find that spark for me again so you can. I wanted her to know that I didn't want her home unless she did actually "want" me. She gave me a very passionate kiss brought on totally by her and she liked it so much, she asked for another. Now I still felt as though she was lost between 2 worlds. All day she had people comment how lucky she was to have me and perfect we are together. (I bought her some flowers and snuck the into her classroom) She obviously loved this. I was trying to put some spark into relationship. It seemed to work well. She brought up the last time we had sex and that she thought it was fun. She even asked for a message when we first were alone. But she did not want to have sex, just being nice to each other. As she explained it, she felt before the affair that she was just doing things because she had to and now she wants to do things because she wants to. She is becoming more sensual, but at a snails pace. How long would you go without sex even though everything else seems okay before giving up that she will truly ever "love" me again? Remember that I am trying to reconcile with her. I mean, I am not going to have her move home if she doesn't want to be intimate with me. She basically has an apartment until July and the her lease is up. I want to know how long a normal reconciliation goes before their is a return to normal intimacy? And how long do I go without this intimacy before telling her that we should just accept that our relationship is dead in terms of sex life and that we should just end it? (I am starting to accept that we might well end up divorced) We have 3 great kids to think about as well. I would say this, if this was a brand new relationship, I would consider it going absolutely great. But being it is not brand new, I feel as though it is going to slow while she feels it is going great. (She told me she loved this week with us and is starting to get those feelings back) I just don't know though. My heart is starting to say that she just won't get it...the passion. Do I want to settle with a person that I truly love but doesn't really want me physically? The kids are happy and so is she, but I am not...just because of the no sex thing. How long would you all suggest going without sex before saying enough is enough...we are obviously not going to get to a level of marriage that we are both happy with? A month? 2 months? How long is reasonable for this situation? It really is important to me, but seeing the kids happy is as well. She is more than willing to live with me again without sex, that I can see in her. But she now knows that is not an option for me. I had my hand on her butt tonight and she pulled it away showing me she just isn't there yet. I just don't know what a reasonable time frame is...when she wants to take it slow. I more wrist will be like Popeyes forearms pretty soon. Lol

 

This post makes me feel so sad for you.

 

She is still in love with another.

 

When you say that everything else is perfect except for sex; I think you are fooling yourself. You wife just recently had wild sex with another man. His dic* was everywhere on your wife. How can you want sex with her after that?

 

You haven't had enough counseling to even be close to putting the train back on the track. Do you really want to rush this and be back where you are now in a year, when she plays with someone elses dic*?

 

Please don't hang out around your kids. You are giving them a false sense that everything will be ok. It's never going to be ok until you actually face what happened and give your wife some hard consequences for her actions.

 

You are totally letting her run this show.

 

If you had stepped back and not told her that you would NEVER dicorce her; she may have been running to you already. Instead, you handed her the keys to the kingdom, and she's a harsh ruler.

 

Don't think for a minute that things will be fine if she has sex with you. She can't yank on the leash if it's not around your neck, so she'll give in and have sex with you at some point.

 

You haven't mentioned marriage counseling. What does your therapist say?

 

You seem like a really nice guy, and in this instance being a nice guy is not going to help.

 

I'm a women. I think it helps to know the gender of the people responding.

[workathome]

I think you may be right. I think I am linking sex with everything is going to be okay. If that is the case, then what should I be looking for in this reconciliation? There is no contact between her and OM. We are getting counseling. We are "dating" in order to reignite passion. Because I am doing these things, half the people on here say I am doomed and not in control. I bed to differ. I am the one at home with the kids that can say it is over at any give time. Don't confuse me trying to reconcile with being a whipped. I realize what is going on. I know she is trying to call the shots. That is why I write my story. I hear people here and know they are not wrong. But, I am a full month into this reconciliation and b it has been a roller coaster for me. I have good days with my emotions and then bad days. Today was great with her but bad for my emotions when I got home by myself. I am preparing myself for 2 possible outcomes over the next few weeks/months, we return to a great marriage with all that means OR I tell her that I want the divorce because I don't want to live in a passionless marriage and that we tried but failed to find it. Everyone's help on here will assist me in reaching one of these final conclusions and I will eventually have the closure I deserve.

 

You are setting yourself up for MAJOR FAILURE if you think it's possible to have a "great marriage" a few weeks/months from now. You both have a LOT of work to do. Why are you minimizing what she has done to you?

[HereNorThere]

Just the thought of having another man's sexual fluid on me freaks me out. I mean, I guess you've already been exposed to it several times now, but st least that was against your will. OP, does it not bother you knowing that you are going to have than man's DNA inside you if you chose to have sex with her?

[Lion Heart]

Can I ask for sex? Yes, but she will say no. Can I not go over to her place? Did that today and told her I had things to do. (Went shopping for new outfits since I have lost 30 lbs and now look like I did in college...argggg) Matter of fact, she just wrote me that she misses me. I AM making myself more unavailable going forward. I bought tons of great outfits for myself and look fantastic physically. 6'3" and a tight 185 now. Have been working on myself foe the 7 weeks and it is definitely showing. I feel like I can do anything. But mentally, I am still struggling. I am FINALLY starting to play hard to get. It is not no contact, which regret not doing, but I will call it turning the tables. I know I ****ed up when I let my emotions control me, but now I truly am trying to get the control back and make her miss me. If I beg, she will not care, but if I don't care, she will beg. I hate playing ****ing brain games, but it is textbook psychology 101. Women always want what they can't have.

 

Hi AGP

 

I spent the last few days reading your thread. I can see your pain and the massive struggle over trying to get your wife to love you again.

 

SO many people here have given their sage advice and AGP THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT. I can see that you're trying to listen but the same advice has been told to you over and over again. You may have "lost" some ls members here for the time being but they'll come back.

 

FYI my D Day was 10w 6d ago. My WH has stayed. He's trying to reconcile. I'm not sure I am or can. Though my situation is very different. My WH did not love his AP. There were 2 visits and 1 x 30m fondling thing. He's still a WS though yours took it WAY further. She loves the OM. I'm a good person. We share 3 chn still at home. Just wanted to point out a few major similarities & differences.

 

From my understanding of your situation, you're not in "reconciliation" whatsoever IMO. You haven't been there WITH WW. You've only been there by yourself. In fact I'd go as far to say that you're rug sweeping & smoke screening the whole A and OM from your mind! You're so focussed on getting her back but she doesn't WANT to come back and even live in the house for the chns sake! Wtf. I would never forsake my children, let alone abandon them to leave them for another man!! This is what she's done AND SHE STILL WON'T MAKE AMENDS. She's completely selfish. I'd look up NPD and entitlement online. She may not be these things but you're gonna see her more clearly.

 

Yes you should have done the 180 immediately! You need to do it now!!! Give her a taste of "real life" WITHOUT you at all. The kids will adjust faster than you even. Communicate clearly with them that mummy hasn't moved home, you're not sure if she ever will. Dad and the kids are a new team. You will see mum and phone her whenever they want. Daddy needs to buck up to be strong for you. Mummy will do family things with you. Daddy will do family things with you. We are separated, living in separate houses. So we won't do things all together any MORE UNLESS mummy moves home and we try to be married again. Daddy's not sure if that will ever happen but you guys are SO loved and this happens to families sometimes. We are survivors. We may be sad but gosh we're awesome too.

 

A poster said if you can't do the 180 then FAKE IT. You have to and now you know that everything you've done so far hasn't worked. You've got no choice. You chasing her, baring all to her, wearing your heart on your sleeve. Wanting sex from her when she clearly doesn't want it?? Man! That's just the worst.

The least you need to leave with is your dignity.

 

And I KNOW you're married. Me too. I KNOW you don't want to have sex with anyone else - I haven't either BUT our WSs did!!!

Do you see? We are nothing like them. I've had to shut WS down in my mind because of his infidelity. IN FACT HE DIVORCED ME WITH HIS INFIDELITY. Now I protect myself and my children. You need to too.

 

I guarantee that if you even DATED another woman with no sex involved, your WW would dump you and blame this all on you BECAUSE YOU haven't made her infidelity the focus.

 

Sure IF you're married (and technically you're separated) then sex is on the table. You're not and not even in reconciliation in my books. Not even close! It seems like sex is your major concern. Ok. I've got a high sex drive too. I'd LOVE to have it alot more than now. But the whole A business makes me sick. I trigger during almost anything from kissing to anything. Not as bad now. But I KNOW I could find another man. I know that life can be WAY better than this horrible feeling of never trusting my partner again. Yes I'd have to divorce first or at the very least make it clear TO ALL parties that I'm separated. Tho I'm uncomfortable about contemplating a new relationship b4 D.

 

Please get your act together. I've got my exit plan in place to carry out in 4-9 months when the new house is ready. I'm quite emotionally wrecked but I'm still making changes every single day in preparation for my move with the children. I turn 50 this year and I'm buying 7 plane tickets for our OS destination. Not 8. Should WH really show he's doing the heavy lifting for a true R to begin, then I may not follow thru on leaving but it's not apparent to me. Yesterday at 10w 5d since D Day WH came home from work and was in tears from his aha experience that day. I plainly said I've struggled since D Day because of HIS sh**. I've been there to help him for 15 years. Faithfully. I've tried to work on his sh** all the marriage and get thanked with an A. So take your crap. Own it. Its not mine. I have more hope in leaving for so many reasons. I'm starting to plan weekends away WITHOUT THE CHN visiting my girlfriends interstate IC approved. I've never had the money to keep up these relationships and now I do because I'm not financially supporting him any more.

 

He's shocked, he hates what I'm doing, he's finally seeing the REAL consequences of the A and his entitlement. He's ordered books on his character disturbance x 3. He's making IC & MC appointments and attending them all. He's never had counseling in his life before.

He's working and thinking harder than he's ever thought and as long as he's here, he'd better get used to it. I'm not a pushover ANY MORE.

 

CONSEQUENCES your WW doesn't have.

My 180 in action.

 

I don't want a "divorce" but I sure as hell don't deserve one minute of this sh**. I'm worth more. My children are worth more. WH divorced me by breaking our vows. I didn't. WS was cake eating with ME!! THAT IS NOT ON. Now in this paragraph you and I are exactly the same.

 

More power to you man. Any woman is gonna jump mile high to get with you. Know it.

 

Lion Heart.

[Hope Shimmers]

Lion Heart.... what a great post. Just incredible strength.

 

AGP... I'll highlight here what Lion Heart said, which is exactly what I have been thinking: Any woman is gonna jump mile high to get with you. Know it.

 

You have got it going on... you are in the best physical shape of your life. You have a fulfilling career and financial stability. And you are a fabulous, wonderful person with a great personality. You have what women are looking for. Why on earth would you be a doormat to a woman who cheated on you and no longer wants you sexually, when you could have many, many women who would make you their Plan A and give you all the sex and love you could possibly want?

 

Why do you want a woman who cheated on you, who is in love with some other dude, and who doesn't want you - when you have the world out there at your feet?

[agoodperson]

Can I ask for sex? Yes, but she will say no. Can I not go over to her place? Did that today and told her I had things to do. (Went shopping for new outfits since I have lost 30 lbs and now look like I did in college...argggg) Matter of fact, she just wrote me that she misses me. I AM making myself more unavailable going forward. I bought tons of great outfits for myself and look fantastic physically. 6'3" and a tight 185 now. Have been working on myself foe the 7 weeks and it is definitely showing. I feel like I can do anything. But mentally, I am still struggling. I am FINALLY starting to play hard to get. It is not no contact, which regret not doing, but I will call it turning the tables. I know I ****ed up when I let my emotions control me, but now I truly am trying to get the control back and make her miss me. If I beg, she will not care, but if I don't care, she will beg. I hate playing ****ing brain games, but it is textbook psychology 101. Women always want what they can't have.

 

Hi AGP

 

I spent the last few days reading your thread. I can see your pain and the massive struggle over trying to get your wife to love you again.

 

SO many people here have given their sage advice and AGP THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT. I can see that you're trying to listen but the same advice has been told to you over and over again. You may have "lost" some ls members here for the time being but they'll come back.

 

FYI my D Day was 10w 6d ago. My WH has stayed. He's trying to reconcile. I'm not sure I am or can. Though my situation is very different. My WH did not love his AP. There were 2 visits and 1 x 30m fondling thing. He's still a WS though yours took it WAY further. She loves the OM. I'm a good person. We share 3 chn still at home. Just wanted to point out a few major similarities & differences.

 

From my understanding of your situation, you're not in "reconciliation" whatsoever IMO. You haven't been there WITH WW. You've only been there by yourself. In fact I'd go as far to say that you're rug sweeping & smoke screening the whole A and OM from your mind! You're so focussed on getting her back but she doesn't WANT to come back and even live in the house for the chns sake! Wtf. I would never forsake my children, let alone abandon them to leave them for another man!! This is what she's done AND SHE STILL WON'T MAKE AMENDS. She's completely selfish. I'd look up NPD and entitlement online. She may not be these things but you're gonna see her more clearly.

 

Yes you should have done the 180 immediately! You need to do it now!!! Give her a taste of "real life" WITHOUT you at all. The kids will adjust faster than you even. Communicate clearly with them that mummy hasn't moved home, you're not sure if she ever will. Dad and the kids are a new team. You will see mum and phone her whenever they want. Daddy needs to buck up to be strong for you. Mummy will do family things with you. Daddy will do family things with you. We are separated, living in separate houses. So we won't do things all together any MORE UNLESS mummy moves home and we try to be married again. Daddy's not sure if that will ever happen but you guys are SO loved and this happens to families sometimes. We are survivors. We may be sad but gosh we're awesome too.

 

A poster said if you can't do the 180 then FAKE IT. You have to and now you know that everything you've done so far hasn't worked. You've got no choice. You chasing her, baring all to her, wearing your heart on your sleeve. Wanting sex from her when she clearly doesn't want it?? Man! That's just the worst.

The least you need to leave with is your dignity.

 

And I KNOW you're married. Me too. I KNOW you don't want to have sex with anyone else - I haven't either BUT our WSs did!!!

Do you see? We are nothing like them. I've had to shut WS down in my mind because of his infidelity. IN FACT HE DIVORCED ME WITH HIS INFIDELITY. Now I protect myself and my children. You need to too.

 

I guarantee that if you even DATED another woman with no sex involved, your WW would dump you and blame this all on you BECAUSE YOU haven't made her infidelity the focus.

 

Sure IF you're married (and technically you're separated) then sex is on the table. You're not and not even in reconciliation in my books. Not even close! It seems like sex is your major concern. Ok. I've got a high sex drive too. I'd LOVE to have it alot more than now. But the whole A business makes me sick. I trigger during almost anything from kissing to anything. Not as bad now. But I KNOW I could find another man. I know that life can be WAY better than this horrible feeling of never trusting my partner again. Yes I'd have to divorce first or at the very least make it clear TO ALL parties that I'm separated. Tho I'm uncomfortable about contemplating a new relationship b4 D.

 

Please get your act together. I've got my exit plan in place to carry out in 4-9 months when the new house is ready. I'm quite emotionally wrecked but I'm still making changes every single day in preparation for my move with the children. I turn 50 this year and I'm buying 7 plane tickets for our OS destination. Not 8. Should WH really show he's doing the heavy lifting for a true R to begin, then I may not follow thru on leaving but it's not apparent to me. Yesterday at 10w 5d since D Day WH came home from work and was in tears from his aha experience that day. I plainly said I've struggled since D Day because of HIS sh**. I've been there to help him for 15 years. Faithfully. I've tried to work on his sh** all the marriage and get thanked with an A. So take your crap. Own it. Its not mine. I have more hope in leaving for so many reasons. I'm starting to plan weekends away WITHOUT THE CHN visiting my girlfriends interstate IC approved. I've never had the money to keep up these relationships and now I do because I'm not financially supporting him any more.

 

He's shocked, he hates what I'm doing, he's finally seeing the REAL consequences of the A and his entitlement. He's ordered books on his character disturbance x 3. He's making IC & MC appointments and attending them all. He's never had counseling in his life before.

He's working and thinking harder than he's ever thought and as long as he's here, he'd better get used to it. I'm not a pushover ANY MORE.

 

CONSEQUENCES your WW doesn't have.

My 180 in action.

 

I don't want a "divorce" but I sure as hell don't deserve one minute of this sh**. I'm worth more. My children are worth more. WH divorced me by breaking our vows. I didn't. WS was cake eating with ME!! THAT IS NOT ON. Now in this paragraph you and I are exactly the same.

 

More power to you man. Any woman is gonna jump mile high to get with you. Know it.

 

Lion Heart.

 

I am done! We went on a double date tonight and it went great until I tried to hold her hand. She pushed me away. That was the last straw for me. We went to her apartment where I told her everything that I have been told on here. That she is using me as a plan B and I am the only one doing the heavy lifting. By Told Her That I Appreciated the last 15 years but I can't live this way anymore. I told her that I want passion in my marriage. She hit me with the "you said that you didn't need sex line" for the 5th time. I told her that I do and that I deserve to be happy and that I can't be g he only one trying. I told her that it is obvious that she is still in love with the OM. She said that she is trying to get over it and she is making progress. I told her that I can't be a doormat anymore and that I am done. It was very bad. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I told her that when she is actually ready to make real go at reconciliation, that she can let me know. I told her that she is just doing it for the kids, we can get the paperwork started for the divorce because I deserved to be truly loved and not a second choice. She just held me tight and didn't say anything because we were drinking. I basically went 180 on her and realize it is the only way to make her realize what she is doing to me. She sees nothing wrong with her actions. If anything, she thinks that because I am leaving because of sex, she is in the right. Tomorrow and Monday will be horrible days for me now. I pray for strength to stick with this 180 and I pray for strength for my kids when they realize we are done. Any support is greatly appreciated. Thank you for your advice...it did sink in, it just took me a very very very long time to be able to do it.

[beach]

You gotta be true to yourself - and I think you did the right thing for yourself given the circumstances.

 

Move forward by staying busy and doing positive things.

 

Get the D filed - that way she doesn't get the idea she can manipulate you even further. Expect her to pull out more stops to bump you back into place/ that place where she uses you but doesn't prioritize you.

 

I'm sorry for your pain - but you need to take care of you now and do what's best for your well being.

 

Glad you stood up for yourself!

[drifter777]

The 180 is painful because you are moving ahead with all the steps to end your marriage. You are doing this for you - it has to be that way. Your not much good to your kids in the state your in so you've got to stay strong until the divorce is final or a miracle happens and your WW comes back begging for another chance. Just keep pushing forward on the divorce and get her served with papers ASAP. If you truly are as miserable as you seem to be, this is the way out. Take it.