Trying To Reconcile Update

[Lion Heart]

 

I am done! We went on a double date tonight and it went great until I tried to hold her hand. She pushed me away. That was the last straw for me. We went to her apartment where I told her everything that I have been told on here. That she is using me as a plan B and I am the only one doing the heavy lifting. By Told Her That I Appreciated the last 15 years but I can't live this way anymore. I told her that I want passion in my marriage. She hit me with the "you said that you didn't need sex line" for the 5th time. I told her that I do and that I deserve to be happy and that I can't be g he only one trying. I told her that it is obvious that she is still in love with the OM. She said that she is trying to get over it and she is making progress. I told her that I can't be a doormat anymore and that I am done. It was very bad. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I told her that when she is actually ready to make real go at reconciliation, that she can let me know. I told her that she is just doing it for the kids, we can get the paperwork started for the divorce because I deserved to be truly loved and not a second choice. She just held me tight and didn't say anything because we were drinking. I basically went 180 on her and realize it is the only way to make her realize what she is doing to me. She sees nothing wrong with her actions. If anything, she thinks that because I am leaving because of sex, she is in the right. Tomorrow and Monday will be horrible days for me now. I pray for strength to stick with this 180 and I pray for strength for my kids when they realize we are done. Any support is greatly appreciated. Thank you for your advice...it did sink in, it just took me a very very very long time to be able to do it.

 

Well done AGP. More power to you. I'm praying for you. Get your whole circle to pray for you. You're gonna muster this strength and feel the power. You're gonna SOAR! This thing of a "woman" has been holding you down!

You're a GOOD PERSON.

You're an INCREDIBLE FATHER.

What a catch.

You're gonna make another woman an amazing lover (or 2 or 3... don't be ill!). You will have your pick.

 

Thankyou for sharing your discussion with WW. You did so well!

Ummm, I'm no expert but I'm a fast LS learner! Can I give you a Grade on what you said? Almost an A.

 

Feedback: Never say "I'm here if you want a real go at R" !!!!

Correction: "I'm done. You've crapped all over me, my children, our marraige AND all my attempts at reconciliation!

As of RIGHT NOW screw whom ever you choose!

You certainly did WHEN we were married. Probably still are! Whatever!

Mark my words I will too.

Oh by the way did I tell you I've changed my mind completely on divorce? (Quote the Bible if that's your thing).

Now I match you on that."

 

FAKE IT AND MAKE THIS THE PERFORMANCE OF YOUR LIFETIME!

 

Get a glazed over look of disgust and sheer feelingless determination. Whatever the outcome, you are gonna NEED to be the one calling the shots.

 

Never cry in front of her. (Yeah)

Always dress up to the 9s with after shave the lot. Make plans to go somewhere else IMMEDIATELY following drop off.

Never walk the kids in to her house. Kiss them b4 you get in the car to leave. Help them out of the car. No eye contact. ALWAYS LOOK INCREDIBLY HAPPY!! Relieved even.

IF she makes out she NEEDS to talk. Look at your watch and say "You better be quick, I've got to be somewhere".

IF she asks where. Look at her incredulously and don't answer.

It's none of her business ANY MORE.

 

She may never come back.

Broaden your social circle SO WIDE that it's gonna be real INCONVENIENT for her to move back.

 

I was thinking of you when I was cleaning my house and imagining you'd have all this housework with 3 kids too.

When WH leaves, I'm getting a cleaner. I'm gonna have to be the "man" (not that that's a big change! ) and return to FT work in a year or so. Then I'm hiring as many people as possible to do the housework, ironing, lawns, gardens and whatever else I need. Just so I don't "miss" the help.

I know for a fact that even paying for all that help is gonna be way more economical than having the thing loitering and sucking me dry.

 

Hope you'll get child support payments from her!!! Instigate it asap.

 

Just so glad to read your last post. Keep posting. Those incredible seasoned veterans of LS will come on board to support you in the droves now! And in the circus that may ensue.

 

Lion Heart.

[fellini]

I personally cannot agree with most of the above, and i sure am not convinced by your last post OP that you did the "right thing" for the "right reasons". You see those who are cheering you on wanted you to find a new partner. You seemed adamant about giving this one a chance.

 

You are only one month - 30 DAYS!!!! post dday and you have given an ultimatum that contradicts early agreements with her. I gave MYSELF - NOT HER -MYSELF 3 months minimum as long as she was doing the right things - but not MY HOOPS - the hoops one has when one is trying to recover from a Bomb going off

 

You have used what OTHERS on LS say and prompted you to do to push you into a decision that only a day before you SO ELOQUENTLY - but more importantly in your own words - said the opposite and had a solid plan to work with.

 

You clearly think this speech was meant to bring her in line. But your speech is about NOT including her, it's about how you, ARE DONE.

 

It's too bad because I remember having the same flipflop emotional roller coaster in the first 3-6 months post dday. Your wife was doing -in your own words - all the right things -- and it appears you really had no control over your plan, you have continued to allow yourself to feel it's her doing. The decision to pull the 180 - would not have happened had your wife had done what? Full on sex? A nice BJ? Holding hands?

 

The thing is OP, it seems to me that the demand (not the need, that is real) for sex is your attempt to deal with the sex she had with AP. It's not an indication of you true position. It's not wrong to have that need to close that door, but having that met, might not, be on the table. Hell much LESS has happened in good marriages in which one person resists sex from a loving partner. Who know what is going on in her,head. It's your job as husband to find out.

 

I'm saying that I think your 180 was as inauthentic as your reasons for trying to get her to lay down with you again. Inauthentic because there are emotional justifications masquerading as "deal breakers".

 

i dont believe, based on your "I'm done" speech that you are remotely done with her or your marriage.

 

I look at your story and am seeing my own story and how it could at any second have swung to a different path. I thought that the other day your response showed personal authenticity in understanding what needed to be done. I think your present agenda is not where you will be happiest.

 

But in the end we make our happiness where we are, not where we want to be.

 

Good luck to you. I truly believe you need to work on you. You cannot continue recovery blaming every decision and re decision on her.

Edited March 1, 2015 by fellini

[SawtoothMars]

I am done! We went on a double date tonight and it went great until I tried to hold her hand. She pushed me away. That was the last straw for me. We went to her apartment where I told her everything that I have been told on here. That she is using me as a plan B and I am the only one doing the heavy lifting. By Told Her That I Appreciated the last 15 years but I can't live this way anymore. I told her that I want passion in my marriage. She hit me with the "you said that you didn't need sex line" for the 5th time. I told her that I do and that I deserve to be happy and that I can't be g he only one trying. I told her that it is obvious that she is still in love with the OM. She said that she is trying to get over it and she is making progress. I told her that I can't be a doormat anymore and that I am done. It was very bad. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I told her that when she is actually ready to make real go at reconciliation, that she can let me know. I told her that she is just doing it for the kids, we can get the paperwork started for the divorce because I deserved to be truly loved and not a second choice. She just held me tight and didn't say anything because we were drinking. I basically went 180 on her and realize it is the only way to make her realize what she is doing to me. She sees nothing wrong with her actions. If anything, she thinks that because I am leaving because of sex, she is in the right. Tomorrow and Monday will be horrible days for me now. I pray for strength to stick with this 180 and I pray for strength for my kids when they realize we are done. Any support is greatly appreciated. Thank you for your advice...it did sink in, it just took me a very very very long time to be able to do it.

 

I did the 180 right away... because it's in my nature to ditch people who hurt me. Ex Wife did not respond to it right away. She was wrapped up in the other guy. Once she found he was sleeping with her friend too... then the 180 started to matter. By that point I was done with her anyway. So don't beat yourself up about when you started this. You do what you can with what you have... and it may not have made any difference.

 

I am actually remarried to a woman who is younger, prettier, smarter, more loving, has a better career, and is much better in bed.

 

I'm thinking that you can take this experience and move on to something better as well. Best of luck!

[workathome]

 

I told her that when she is actually ready to make real go at reconciliation, that she can let me know.

 

This is not 180.

 

Don't say things like this. You are giving her the control. YOU decide what happens next. File for divorce.

[No Limit]

I deserve to be happy and that I can't be g he only one trying

 

Read this whenever you feel down.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad, reality hits real hard and is pretty much merciless. But it'll pass, even if you will need a lot of patience for the next few months.

[beach]

If you're the only one trying then you're actually just having a relationship with yourself.

 

Just still have a sidekick (W) distracting you as you attempt to get on with life.

 

Better to live without her distracting you.

 

 

Marriage is an illusion when one half cheats. Look at what you really have not what you "wish it" looked like.

Edited March 1, 2015 by beach

[agoodperson]

Today is hard to say the least. I feel so alone and depressed. The thought of being alone forever scares the **** out of me. I realize that these are crazy thoughts, but in my state...powerful thoughts. I want this marriage and now I am pushing her away in order to try to save it. It makes my heart hurt. Just putting my feelings in writing. I am at my mental limits with this whole ordeal. I need a few women's options on what i am going through and what to do going forward. Please.

[DKT3]

Today is hard to say the least. I feel so alone and depressed. The thought of being alone forever scares the **** out of me. I realize that these are crazy thoughts, but in my state...powerful thoughts. I want this marriage and now I am pushing her away in order to try to save it. It makes my heart hurt. Just putting my feelings in writing. I am at my mental limits with this whole ordeal. I need a few women's options on what i am going through and what to do going forward. Please.

 

You can't go about this with the idea that your going to win her back. If you start this 180 its for you, it to gain emotional distance and protect yourself for allowing her to continue to hurt you.

 

The idea is to move forward with your life without her. If somewhere along the line she decides to try then you face it the decision.

 

If you aren't ready for the marriage to end then 180 isn't for you, its not a game.

[happyman64]

AGP

 

 

I am not a woman but will give you my two cents.

 

 

You need to fix you. Your wife cheated. She lied. She sucks to be with right now.

 

 

So leave her alone.

 

 

Put your time and effort where it will show the most. On you!

 

 

Get your head and heart in the same place, in the right place.

 

 

If you do the 180, work on detaching and just put the effort into you and your kids I think in a short time you will realize what makes you happy and who truly makes you happy....

 

 

Your wife is miserable. Let her deal with her mess. You deal with yours.

 

 

You can start the divorce process but honestly what is the rush?

 

 

Are you so lonely that putting some effort into you without someone to hold your hand or love will kill you?

 

 

So take a breather. Say no to any emotional or physical relationship and just focus on you.

 

 

A few months will be good for you. All you and your wife need to discuss are the kids. Put the marriage on hold. She already did. That is clear.

 

 

Now you do it. You have plenty of time to make the big decisions later. From a place of strength and quiet.

 

 

HM

Edited March 1, 2015 by happyman64

[beach]

Today is hard to say the least. I feel so alone and depressed. The thought of being alone forever scares the **** out of me. I realize that these are crazy thoughts, but in my state...powerful thoughts. I want this marriage and now I am pushing her away in order to try to save it. It makes my heart hurt. Just putting my feelings in writing. I am at my mental limits with this whole ordeal. I need a few women's options on what i am going through and what to do going forward. Please.

 

My thoughts?.......

 

You should feel more alone working at saving a marriage all by yourself!

 

She hasn't been putting in REAL effort! Why would you waste your time on someone who doesn't love you immensely?

 

Getting divorce ACTUALLY makes room to have a gal love you like no other!!! You will never get that as long as you stay with a woman who's in love with another man and pining after him while she uses you.

 

You can't wait for HER to change - change must come from YOU (actually you could - but you could waste 20 years waiting to see evidence).

 

Get busy! So busy that you are tired and have NO time to think of her! Start volunteering if you need to.

 

Go to the gym! Start a class you're interested in. Start improving yourself and surround yourself with people with same interests. Invite people to do things with you - expand your social circle!

 

And do NOT interact with the W at all. At this point she's not likely to offer you anything you need. She will likely only use you for more of the same.

 

Don't give her money. She can figure out how her life will work moving forward.

 

It's time you take care of YOURSELF.

 

Get moving!!!

[sandylee1]

AGP

 

I believe you did the right thing. That had to hurt like hell when she pushed your hand away. That says she doesn't want to be with you. As a woman, her actions show she isn't physically attracted to you anymore, even though you are an attractive man. From what you've posted in your threads, I see no remorse from her at all.

 

She misses her AP and as a woman, I get that you would miss a guy you've been sleeping with and care about. HOWEVER, this is where you know her heart is still with him.

 

If I had made plans to leave my H (like your wife carried through ), it would have to mean I had fallen so deeply in love with this other person and thought they felt the same, that I would even risk not seeing my children everyday.

 

I think your wife is annoyed you find out about the A, because she just wanted a smooth separation, then to slide into her 'new' relationship. This is not at all what they had planned.

[fellini]

Don't know if it can be put any easier for you AGP.

 

Everything your WW did, said, gestures, complaints, excuses, lies, sex, her movements, absolutely everything happened within the context of having an affair. ALL OF IT. None of it has really any validity today, nor did it in terms of you. SHE was IN another RELATIONSHIP. PERIOD.

 

Now you are post DDAY. Now, if you want, you may have your wife back. If you want, you may, and if she wants.

 

There isn't a single person here who can tell you how to do that, or what is going on in side her head. Not when she brushes off your hand, not when she says I'm not ready for sex.

A lot of BS'S here working through reconciliation have rejected sex resume with their WS. Makes sense. Some things take time to get over. Some won't say "I love you " for months.

 

Ask your self if her responses have been positive or negative, and act accordingly. There is no magic involved. Let common sense have some say in how you interpret your WW'S responses, don't rely on the peanut gallery only. No one here has a stake in your future.

[drifter777]

...

Everything your WW did, said, gestures, complaints, excuses, lies, sex, her movements, absolutely everything happened within the context of having an affair.

Perhap's you didn't notice that the "gesture" of pushing away his hand happened last night. It's not ancient history that could be associated with the so-called "fog" of the affair.

 

OP: Yes, this is all up to you. No one on here should try to convince you of the eventual outcome saying things like "this can't work - divorce" or "you can have your wife back if you want". Those are outcomes that may happen in the future, yes, but advice on the best path to take to get to one of these outcomes is all that counts right now. I believe strongly in the 180 - as long as the BH can harden his heart and pursue divorce until WW either wakes up and is willing to do the necessary work to try reconciliation OR she accepts the divorce. This is the 180. A modified, pussy-fied version of it cannot be called a true 180. Doing it right means the BH cannot lose either way. It forces HIM to take positive action to heal this horrible wound without regard to his WW. No one's happiness should depend on another person.

[fellini]

Actually if you read my posts you will see I am perfectly aware of the time lines. Of those and the 180 the OP did on himself before he announced it on her "last night".

 

His Dday is a month old. Like it happened yesterday in emotional terms.

 

 

Perhap's you didn't notice that the "gesture" of pushing away his hand happened last night. It's not ancient history that could be associated with the so-called "fog" of the affair.

 

OP: Yes, this is all up to you. No one on here should try to convince you of the eventual outcome saying things like "this can't work - divorce" or "you can have your wife back if you want". Those are outcomes that may happen in the future, yes, but advice on the best path to take to get to one of these outcomes is all that counts right now. I believe strongly in the 180 - as long as the BH can harden his heart and pursue divorce until WW either wakes up and is willing to do the necessary work to try reconciliation OR she accepts the divorce. This is the 180. A modified, pussy-fied version of it cannot be called a true 180. Doing it right means the BH cannot lose either way. It forces HIM to take positive action to heal this horrible wound without regard to his WW. No one's happiness should depend on another person.

[oldshirt]

Please read my responses in bold below.

 

I will address one other point in another post.

 

 

 

 

 

I am done! We went on a double date tonight and it went great until I tried to hold her hand. She pushed me away. That was the last straw for me

 

you are getting there. Your fog is starting to lift and you are beginning to see how it is. In time you will fully snap and be done with it.

 

We went to her apartment where I told her everything that I have been told on here.

 

bad move. Telling her what people say here just makes it sound like other burned lonely hearts are telling you what to say and how to feel. She'll lose even more respect for you. Don't do that again. Everything you do or say need to be from your own heart.

 

 

 

That she is using me as a plan B and I am the only one doing the heavy lifting.

 

yes

 

 

By Told Her That I Appreciated the last 15 years but I can't live this way anymore. I told her that I want passion in my marriage.

 

you are still doing way too much talking and trying to fix this with talk. STFU and let your actions speak for you.

 

 

She hit me with the "you said that you didn't need sex line" for the 5th time.

 

 

ok let's do a little reality check here. A husband is perfect in his right to walk away from a woman who feels she was double crossed and upset when she finds out her husband does want a sex life even if she was NOT a cheater and NOT in love with another man. That statement right there is perfectly acceptable grounds for divorce even without adultery being part of the package.why didn't you walk away and quietly close the door behind you and drive away at that moment that came out of her mouth?????

 

 

I told her that I do and that I deserve to be happy and that I can't be g he only one trying. I told her that it is obvious that she is still in love with the OM. She said that she is trying to get over it and she is making progress. I told her that I can't be a doormat anymore and that I am done. It was very bad. It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.

 

 

I told her that when she is actually ready to make real go at reconciliation, that she can let me know.

 

 

 

 

I told her that she is just doing it for the kids, we can get the paperwork started for the divorce because I deserved to be truly loved and not a second choices.

 

 

 

there are a lot of "...i-told-her"s there. Ok fair enough, now she is informed. Now we need to stop hearing about what you said and start hearing about what you have DONE.

 

She just held me tight and didn't say anything because we were drinking.

 

drinking has nothing to with it. She didn't say anything because she has nothing to say. You were in the right.

 

I basically went 180 on her and realize it is the only way to make her realize what she is doing to me.

 

 

you haven't truly done the 180 yet but you may be making progress soon. The thing you simply have to get through to your brain is the 180 is not to make her "see" anything and it is not to get her to change her mind or fall in love with you or to get you back. The 180 is 100% for YOU and it is to move on with your life by not letting her influence or manipulate you or keep you hanging on.

 

She sees nothing wrong with her actions.

 

 

you are correct she doesn't. She thinks it's perfectly acceptable for you to keep her around untill she finds someone else even though she doesn't love or desire you. She has no problem with that. You are the one with the problem with that. That is why you need to take action to do what's best for YOU. She is perfectly happy being platonic roommates untill she finds another man she desires.

 

If anything, she thinks that because I am leaving because of sex, she is in the right.

 

never be ashamed you want a full service marriage with a sexlife

 

Tomorrow and Monday will be horrible days for me now. I pray for strength to stick with this 180 and I pray for strength for my kids when they realize we are done. Any support is greatly appreciated. Thank you for your advice...it did sink in, it just took me a very very very long time to be able to do it.

[oldshirt]

 

I told her that when she is actually ready to make real go at reconciliation, that she can let me know.

 

 

 

This is where you screwed up and this is where you are falling down.

 

You are still giving her all the power and she knows that you will still welcome her with open arms.

 

She goes to sleep at night knowing fully well that all she will need to do is say I'm sorry and that she wants back in and then all she has to do is get nekkid and screw you and you will roll out the red carpet to welcome her back home with wine and party hats and noise makers.

 

You may have gotten pi$$ed and frustrated this weekend but you are still holding on. You still hope and you are still wanting her to change her mind and you are leaving your future up to her whims.

 

You are there yet and this is still not the 180. In the 180 you are doing what's best for you FOR YOU. You aren't leaving decisions up to other people and you aren't basing your future on their actions or decisions.

 

You're getting there. You are making progress.

 

She's going to break your heart a few more times before you harden it up and start doing things for yourself regardless of her but I have faith in her. I have confidence in this woman that she is going to eventually push you over the breaking point. She's not there yet but she's getting there.

[Furious]

Today is hard to say the least. I feel so alone and depressed. The thought of being alone forever scares the **** out of me. I realize that these are crazy thoughts, but in my state...powerful thoughts. I want this marriage and now I am pushing her away in order to try to save it. It makes my heart hurt. Just putting my feelings in writing. I am at my mental limits with this whole ordeal. I need a few women's options on what i am going through and what to do going forward. Please.

 

 

Your low self esteem, your low value of yourself needs to be addressed. Do you seriously believe that a cheating wife is your best option and if not you believe you're destined to be a alone. Anonymous strangers on a forum can see how little value you place on yourself, it's no wonder your wife sees's you as someone who is valueless.

 

Often times when you break free from people who place little value on you is liberating.

 

 

Life is beautiful and too short, do not waste it on people who are toxic and paint the sky grey.

[Lion Heart]

AGP

 

How are you doing?

It must be difficult with 3 children in the equation BUT this is really all about YOU. Don't make it all about WW and what she wants.

 

It sounds like you're spending alot of time alone. This will make you very miserable right now. Are there ways you can safely broaden your social circle. Do you have friends to share your experience with? There needs to be at least 1 confidante.

 

Also consider honestly why you'd want WW back. Are there any other reasons beside the obvious? ie. Support for raising the kids or financial reasons?

 

I think you're making exceedingly good progress considering the short time since D Day.

Good luck

 

LH

[agoodperson]

AGP

 

How are you doing?

It must be difficult with 3 children in the equation BUT this is really all about YOU. Don't make it all about WW and what she wants.

 

It sounds like you're spending alot of time alone. This will make you very miserable right now. Are there ways you can safely broaden your social circle. Do you have friends to share your experience with? There needs to be at least 1 confidante.

 

Also consider honestly why you'd want WW back. Are there any other reasons beside the obvious? ie. Support for raising the kids or financial reasons?

 

I think you're making exceedingly good progress considering the short time since D Day.

Good luck

 

LH

 

I got hit today with "I want to come home" from her unexpectedly. It was out of nowhere. She told me at work that our daughter wrote her a long email that she misses her tucking her in and being around for her. I feel that this is a huge moment in this drama. She smiled as though I would be happy she wants to come home. I told her that I only want her home once our marriage is fixed on a level that I am happy and not just her. I said that until then, she needs to stay away from the house. She was flabbergasted to say the least. I think she thought I was going to be happy. After last weekend to add to the equation....it was weird to me. I think it is all about the kids for her and she has to deal with meal in order to be apart of their lives. My kids are taking this hard and just want their mom back. I just want a loving wife and to be a great dad. She just wants to be a mom and to be good friends with me. It is driving me batty. Any other girl would be all over me for how good I treated her. She basically said that because of sex, you don't want me home? What a loaded question. But I said no, I want a wife who will take care of my needs as a loving husband and yes that includes passion in the bedroom. She got quiet and we went our separate ways. I am very strong on not letting her back unless she finds the "spark" she used for leaving. I basically repeated the reasons she left and said that they have yet to be resolved. Do I want a wife to make love to? **** yes! Give me a break. I am not looking for a roommate. ..wtf? What would you all do in this situation?

[beach]

I would do the same - stay the course. There's no reason to settle when you know she's not willing to completely change her ways.

[oldshirt]

I got hit today with "I want to come home" from her unexpectedly. It was out of nowhere. She told me at work that our daughter wrote her a long email that she misses her tucking her in and being around for her. I feel that this is a huge moment in this drama. She smiled as though I would be happy she wants to come home. I told her that I only want her home once our marriage is fixed on a level that I am happy and not just her. I said that until then, she needs to stay away from the house. She was flabbergasted to say the least. I think she thought I was going to be happy. After last weekend to add to the equation....it was weird to me. I think it is all about the kids for her and she has to deal with meal in order to be apart of their lives. My kids are taking this hard and just want their mom back. I just want a loving wife and to be a great dad. She just wants to be a mom and to be good friends with me. It is driving me batty. Any other girl would be all over me for how good I treated her. She basically said that because of sex, you don't want me home? What a loaded question. But I said no, I want a wife who will take care of my needs as a loving husband and yes that includes passion in the bedroom. She got quiet and we went our separate ways. I am very strong on not letting her back unless she finds the "spark" she used for leaving. I basically repeated the reasons she left and said that they have yet to be resolved. Do I want a wife to make love to? **** yes! Give me a break. I am not looking for a roommate. ..wtf? What would you all do in this situation?

 

 

BRAVO!! (Thunderous applause!)

 

Well played!

 

I've been pretty hard on you but I think you are finally starting to get it.

 

You have a basic animal right to a full service marriage and you are under no obligation to settle for less.

 

She has the right to not want to have a romantic/sexual relationship with you but that gives you the right to reject her and not allow you into your home. That gives you the right to leave her sitting alongside the road while you move forward with your life with someone who does desire you and wants a full relationship with you.

 

You are in the right here. Stick to your guns and don't puss out and backslide.

[DKT3]

I got hit today with "I want to come home" from her unexpectedly. It was out of nowhere. She told me at work that our daughter wrote her a long email that she misses her tucking her in and being around for her. I feel that this is a huge moment in this drama. She smiled as though I would be happy she wants to come home. I told her that I only want her home once our marriage is fixed on a level that I am happy and not just her. I said that until then, she needs to stay away from the house. She was flabbergasted to say the least. I think she thought I was going to be happy. After last weekend to add to the equation....it was weird to me. I think it is all about the kids for her and she has to deal with meal in order to be apart of their lives. My kids are taking this hard and just want their mom back. I just want a loving wife and to be a great dad. She just wants to be a mom and to be good friends with me. It is driving me batty. Any other girl would be all over me for how good I treated her. She basically said that because of sex, you don't want me home? What a loaded question. But I said no, I want a wife who will take care of my needs as a loving husband and yes that includes passion in the bedroom. She got quiet and we went our separate ways. I am very strong on not letting her back unless she finds the "spark" she used for leaving. I basically repeated the reasons she left and said that they have yet to be resolved. Do I want a wife to make love to? **** yes! Give me a break. I am not looking for a roommate. ..wtf? What would you all do in this situation?

 

Your doing the right thing in my opinion. The one thing that is harder on kids then the break is to have her yo-yoing in and out of the home.

 

I personally believe your marriage is dead, and will stay that way until she understands it not all about what she wants, and acting as if you should be happy with whatever she gives you. Stay strong, and focus on moving forward WITHOUT HER.

[aliveagain]

Well we just had a huge argument about everything started by me. I got "mad" as many of you on here put it. I basically have been listening to your advice and agree that she is controlling it as if I was the person who cheated. So she said something hurtful as we were hanging out. Nothing serious, but it was the last straw for me. I thought of the advice here and decided...**** it...I don't deserve a half asked attempt of reconciliation. So I stormed out. Only 2nd time ever I did that. I told her that she could have the space she needs and when she is ready to show me everything and commit to REALLY Reconcile, that I would be there. I said that we will use the custody agreement we had in place before we started this reconciliation. To make a long story short, we talked on the phone for about 2 hours about everything again. I stood my ground. She said I could see her phone anytime and would let me see everyone she talks to. It was hard for her...I am sure. She even suggested we start counseling asap. She did say that phrase again though...what if I don't get to the level of love you want? I told her that I do not believe in divorce and that I will work on it forever. (Which is true) I told her if she wanted a divorce, she would have to do it. She got very upset. I think because she doesn't want to look like the bad guy. I could be wrong. She swore she has no pics or letters from the OM. She also has swore that there has been zero contact between them. I do believe this. We have been very honest the last few weeks and she really doesn't need to hide anything from me. She has her own place, earns a huge paycheck, and is not one to be afraid to speak her mind. So that is not an issue. At the end of it all.. we both agreed to eat dinner as a family at both places so the kids are happy and she would make me breakfast and we would drive to work to talk to each other. (Her idea)

 

I am not asking if I were right or wrong in what I did, I am now asking for advice on what to do next. I felt that she was honest in saying what she said and she did add that her 100% wasn't my 100%, which I took to mean that she is trying but not at my level. She said she has many good days and a few bad days dealing with all that has happened, but she gets very afraid of falling back into that same old life of trying to be a woman she is not. How do I deal with this? How do I help her see that life can be better?

 

Until you show her that your two bolded statements are no longer true she will do very little to change her situation or her commitment to you. Your fear of loosing her gives her total control over reconciliation, why, you know she makes very poor decisions so why trust the future of your marriage to her? If you want to wake her up before it's too late you need to take the lead and show her that unless she commits herself 100% your going to dissolve what's left of the illusion that was your marriage. Unless your both in 100% what have you really got anyway, a babysitting service with the occasional sexual benefit? Divorce takes time but there is a time limit and that is now in the control of your states governing body. She still has until the final decree to prove she is all in or why waste anymore time? Who wants a wife that feels more like a hostage? You deserve better, stop compromising yourself for someone that doesn't want to be there.

[Chi townD]

Dude, you hit he nail on the head. You don't want a roommate, you want a wife. And the next time she wonder's why? Yu tell her exactly that and walk away. Maybe a light bulb will go off in her head.

[oldshirt]

People have talked a lot about boundaries and I think you are finally starting to grasp what that means. Let me try to clarify a little further-

 

You can divide women into 3 basic catagories a with firm boundaries between the three.

 

1. First catagory is the women that don't have a desire for you and aren't sexual with you. This is just another woman. One of three billion. You are obligated to treat them with the common courtesy you would a stranger on the street. In the case of the mother of your children you are obligated to cooperatively coparent with her in regards to matter regarding child rearing.

 

You have no other obligations. Not obligated to love, house, support, protect, fix the car or unclog her toilet. Those are things meant only for your special someone.

 

2. Your special someone is the one you love, house, support, protect, take to the doctor, unclog the toilet and run into a burning building to save. What makes your special someone special is that she desires you and rides you (and ONLY you) like a big white horse. She is one out of three billion.

 

3. The 3rd class of woman is the one who will screw you but also screws other men/man. You owe her common courtesy only. Nothing else.

 

Having boundaries is knowing which class of woman you are dealing with and not giving her any more than she is entitled.

 

You STBX tore up her Special Someone Card when she became involved with OM and she hasn't earned it back because she doesn't desire you.

 

She has a right to contact with her children but has no right to your heart, your home, your resources, your companionship, your help, your protection or anything that you wouldn't be obligated to give to a stranger on the street.

 

That is what boundaries are.