Trying To Reconcile Update

[agoodperson]

I actually see it as a somewhat good sign that she's brought up concerns about her feelings for you versus the other man. I read your posts in the last thread, and it seemed like the decision to reconcile was somewhat sudden on her part. It seemed odd that she wouldn't have any lingering doubts, and I wondered if she was only doing and saying what she needed to do to keep you around. The fact that she's bringing up these concerns could be an indication that she really intends to be honest with you.

 

I definitely think you should ask to see her phone. I don't think you should agree to trust her until she's proven herself again. Of course, you're not going to be able to trust her yet! You just recently found out she spent a year cheating on you with another man. It's going to take a lot of time and effort to rebuild that trust. You can't just say you trust and then pretend as though you do. Well, you could, but it would be a really bad idea. She should understand why you would feel insecure and need proof for a while.

 

Well we just had a huge argument about everything started by me. I got "mad" as many of you on here put it. I basically have been listening to your advice and agree that she is controlling it as if I was the person who cheated. So she said something hurtful as we were hanging out. Nothing serious, but it was the last straw for me. I thought of the advice here and decided...**** it...I don't deserve a half asked attempt of reconciliation. So I stormed out. Only 2nd time ever I did that. I told her that she could have the space she needs and when she is ready to show me everything and commit to REALLY Reconcile, that I would be there. I said that we will use the custody agreement we had in place before we started this reconciliation. To make a long story short, we talked on the phone for about 2 hours about everything again. I stood my ground. She said I could see her phone anytime and would let me see everyone she talks to. It was hard for her...I am sure. She even suggested we start counseling asap. She did say that phrase again though...what if I don't get to the level of love you want? I told her that I do not believe in divorce and that I will work on it forever. (Which is true) I told her if she wanted a divorce, she would have to do it. She got very upset. I think because she doesn't want to look like the bad guy. I could be wrong. She swore she has no pics or letters from the OM. She also has swore that there has been zero contact between them. I do believe this. We have been very honest the last few weeks and she really doesn't need to hide anything from me. She has her own place, earns a huge paycheck, and is not one to be afraid to speak her mind. So that is not an issue. At the end of it all.. we both agreed to eat dinner as a family at both places so the kids are happy and she would make me breakfast and we would drive to work to talk to each other. (Her idea)

 

I am not asking if I were right or wrong in what I did, I am now asking for advice on what to do next. I felt that she was honest in saying what she said and she did add that her 100% wasn't my 100%, which I took to mean that she is trying but not at my level. She said she has many good days and a few bad days dealing with all that has happened, but she gets very afraid of falling back into that same old life of trying to be a woman she is not. How do I deal with this? How do I help her see that life can be better?

Edited February 24, 2015 by agoodperson

[Ralph79]

she gets very afraid of falling back into that same old life of trying to be a woman she is not. How do I deal with this? How do I help her see that life can be better?

 

I see something wrong here. Probably because I went through something similar. I'll share my experience with you once more:

 

Throughout all the damaging insulting moments my wife put me through, she always would reach a point where she would cry, sobbing and tell me:

 

"Please don't let me do this. I'm crazy. Don't let me destroy the only things I've ever truly loved: You, Our life, Our Marriage. Don't let me ruin the only stability I've ever had. Don't give up on me, please"

 

I would hold her and reassure her that no matter what she did to me, I would always be there for her. My wife had a BPD though. She would think of me as garbage hours later.

 

But it took me months, to get over the images of her crying pleas, and the feeling that I failed her, after our divorce. My counselor said it was her way of manipulating me into putting up with what she was doing.

 

I hope your wife isn't trying to do something similar to you, where as if she falters again, you feel like the one who was unable to help her.

[road]

Well we just had a huge argument about everything started by me. I got "mad" as many of you on here put it. I basically have been listening to your advice and agree that she is controlling it as if I was the person who cheated. So she said something hurtful as we were hanging out. Nothing serious, but it was the last straw for me. I thought of the advice here and decided...**** it...I don't deserve a half asked attempt of reconciliation. So I stormed out. Only 2nd time ever I did that. I told her that she could have the space she needs and when she is ready to show me everything and commit to REALLY Reconcile, that I would be there. I said that we will use the custody agreement we had in place before we started this reconciliation. To make a long story short, we talked on the phone for about 2 hours about everything again. I stood my ground. She said I could see her phone anytime and would let me see everyone she talks to. It was hard for her...I am sure. She even suggested we start counseling asap. She did say that phrase again though...what if I don't get to the level of love you want? I told her that I do not believe in divorce and that I will work on it forever. (Which is true) I told her if she wanted a divorce, she would have to do it. She got very upset. I think because she doesn't want to look like the bad guy. I could be wrong. She swore she has no pics or letters from the OM. She also has swore that there has been zero contact between them. I do believe this. We have been very honest the last few weeks and she really doesn't need to hide anything from me. She has her own place, earns a huge paycheck, and is not one to be afraid to speak her mind. So that is not an issue. At the end of it all.. we both agreed to eat dinner as a family at both places so the kids are happy and she would make me breakfast and we would drive to work to talk to each other. (Her idea)

 

I am not asking if I were right or wrong in what I did, I am now asking for advice on what to do next. I felt that she was honest in saying what she said and she did add that her 100% wasn't my 100%, which I took to mean that she is trying but not at my level. She said she has many good days and a few bad days dealing with all that has happened, but she gets very afraid of falling back into that same old life of trying to be a woman she is not. How do I deal with this? How do I help her see that life can be better?

 

 

If you believe the affair is over and you and your WW are working on recovery then it is time to move back in together. Recovery takes two to five years. No point to delay moving. People do not get recovered first, then get back together.

[No Limit]

She's still disrespecting you, and she's still not remorseful. Your only problem is that your dream of happy ending includes her. In my last post I wrote to you not to fall for her "you can check my stuff" trick when you're not there and the time between her giving you the phone and you taking the phone into your own hand takes more than 30 seconds.

 

Your commitment in your marriage is remarkable, but you're doing it for the wrong person. Of course she'll never divorce you, why would she make herself look bad? It's more comfortable as it is now for her.

[Spark1111]

You have a right not to do or decide anything for a long time. Tell her!

 

You love her but it might be a long time before you can forgive her and even longer before you can respect and trust her again. tell her.

 

cheaters once discovered, seem to have a maniacal need for it all to go back to normal as soon as possible.

 

Not going to happen. Not for you.

 

So take it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Stop and assess your feelings often and communicate them.

 

Try, try, try to detach from all the emotional drama. It's hard, but how else will they deal with the fallout they have caused?

 

Sometimes silence and a little detachment speaks loudest. Walking out was a strong stand.

 

Think hard on the relationship you deserve. Focus on you.

[Biere123]

Spark's comment about thinking hard on the relationship you deserve is spot on.

 

Why would you and your wife want to live life like this? People change, the negative effect on your kids right now is worse than if you co-parented amicably, if possible. Is that what you are worried about? There's no respect, one-sided love. Detach, detach, detach.

[pheonixrisen]

I need the dust to settle more and for her to get over the OM. But I don't know if she will or even wants to. She says she does and that she will need time. I do want the marriage to work, but not at the expense of my beliefs and feelings. For instance, a major internal conflict for me is the following....she secretly did everything on her phone. We both agreed to trust one another going forward and communicate all feelings and issues going forward. ..which we have. (And sometimes they were bad) Now I don't know how to discuss being able to see her phone without sounding nontrusting. We have been doing very well, but this bothering me. Am I just over reacting? Do I just talk to her about it? And if she refuses, what do I say and do? Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. I just feel that her secret world on there is more important to her than our marriage getting fixed. I asked her to let me have her "line id" so I could add her as a friend on a game and she made an excuse why she didn't want me to have it. This is the service she used to talk to the OM and a bunch of other people in cyberworld. I do not think she is still talking to the OM, but she does still talk to others that are her support for her side of the affair. I'm guessing people who would accept it as the right thing to do. So I think she is afraid to lose that support system or let me see them. I asked her to add me to the group chat with all of them and she said she didn't want to because it was her thing and it would be like I am trying to ruin it for her. I once was apart of it years ago, and it was just people having fun, but not to the level of sex and affairs...just jokes and gaming. So what do I do about this feeling and issue?

 

B's ...3 years in R ....you are looking for a major emotional breakdown in future ...

how is it possible to trust from hence forth your spouse who was caught in an affair ...I am 3 years into my R and I don't trust my husband a 100% ..and he knows it's because of his A We are very slowly trying to rebuild my lost trust in him ..and he works hard at it..plus his life is transparent I have passwords to all his accounts etc ..access to his phone etc...its important for R to work total transparency ...

 

You are finding excuses for all her behaviour and it's protecting your mind right now ...she is dictating your R ...you show no respect or dignity for yourself ...so she not only has an affair but moves into a different apt ...and she wants time to herself to decide if she wants to work on your marriage ..throws breadcrumbs at you ...and you are all excited for the time she spends with you..when she should be working her as off to make things right with you and family she refuses to even be transparent ....I don't know what exactly you are in but it's Def not R...probably she is just keeping her self busy and free incase om wants to return or she finds someone else .

[agoodperson]

I will admit that I am a bit lost. She is my world and that I can't help. Am I afraid of being without her? Absolutely. But to be honest, we are talking and trying to make this work. I told her that she can pursue the divorce if she wants, but I will not be apart of it. (I just don't believe in it) She flatly denied wanting one anymore. She said she does want to work on our marriage but is afraid to see herself not falling for me and what that will mean for her life.

[Ralph79]

I will admit that I am a bit lost.

Yes you are

 

She is my world and that I can't help.

Yes You can. You simply chose not to. For starters, go to personal therapy so they can determine why you would think the world of someone who has second thoughts about a life with you.

 

Am I afraid of being without her? Absolutely.

And that is why she will do whatever she wants, and you will take it. You might object, and even shout sometimes, but will completely back away at the first sight of her leaving, even if she's bluffing. She's got the upper hand because of your fear. Believe it or not, she can smell it.

[Biere123]

Incredible. This woman is in total control and I would strongly caution you. She is waiting on the OM and is buying time.

[pheonixrisen]

I will admit that I am a bit lost. She is my world and that I can't help. Am I afraid of being without her? Absolutely. But to be honest, we are talking and trying to make this work. I told her that she can pursue the divorce if she wants, but I will not be apart of it. (I just don't believe in it) She flatly denied wanting one anymore. She said she does want to work on our marriage but is afraid to see herself not falling for me and what that will mean for her life.

 

Yes you are lost ...hell I was lost and confused and dominant emotion was anger for months after dday ..I understand that .....but how can you work at saving this marriage if

you told her you will not be part of divorce .Or that you will be there waiting for her to come to her senses and wanted a real R to come find you

 

This would be my understanding of what you are saying as a woman...

 

okay he said he is not going anywhere he will wait till I decide what I want to do ....what's the hurry let me wait and see if the om return till then I will just do false R prolong it till I can blow him hot and cold after all where is he going to go he made it very clear he will not divorce me ...so I don't need to make amend immediately or be transparent or do any kind of heavy lifting to work on my marriage ..and if I don't have any other option and I have pushed him to his limits and there is no more time I will tell him I really want to R ...Of course keeping in mind if anytime my om returns I will dump him in a sec or probably any other man shows me interest I will proceed with them ....okay so my h will be hurt but it's not like I did not already warn him about it so how is it my fault after knowing all this he still want to R ...its not like I did not give him a choice

 

The only way I see your marriage being saved is if you do a 180 with your attitude go dark on her and only communicate with her about kids ...she needs to first respect you then she will not treat you like a doormat ..Of course there is always a chance that it will not but at least you can walk away with your head held high ...If you continue and there is a chance you reconcile you will always resent her for making you feel this small.

[Hope Shimmers]

This thread is so hard to read because agoodguy is clearly such a good guy and he is headed down a road which just seems hopeless to me.

 

I understand why you are "against" divorce, but does that mean you want to stay married to someone who doesn't love you or want to be with you? Because that is the message she is sending you now.

 

I agree with other posters that your statements to her about waiting around until she decides to R and not ever initiating a divorce are just letting her do exactly nothing. She knows now that you are going to be there no matter what she does or however long she waits.

 

If she is in a "fog", the only way she is going to get herself out of it (and you can't do it for her; she has to do it herself) is for her to have real consequences - for her to realize that unless she snaps out of it, she's going to lose you because you are moving on. Don't you see that? She has NO incentive to snap out of it and truly R with you because you are literally telling her you won't leave her and you will wait around.

 

It's a big mistake in my opinion. If there is any hope for her to get out of the fog she's currently in, she needs to get a kick in the butt in the form of losing you because of her actions.

 

I truly hope this turns out the way you want it to. You deserve so much more than what you are getting.

[HereNorThere]

Well we just had a huge argument about everything started by me. I got "mad" as many of you on here put it. I basically have been listening to your advice and agree that she is controlling it as if I was the person who cheated. So she said something hurtful as we were hanging out. Nothing serious, but it was the last straw for me. I thought of the advice here and decided...**** it...I don't deserve a half asked attempt of reconciliation. So I stormed out. Only 2nd time ever I did that. I told her that she could have the space she needs and when she is ready to show me everything and commit to REALLY Reconcile, that I would be there. I said that we will use the custody agreement we had in place before we started this reconciliation. To make a long story short, we talked on the phone for about 2 hours about everything again. I stood my ground. She said I could see her phone anytime and would let me see everyone she talks to. It was hard for her...I am sure. She even suggested we start counseling asap. She did say that phrase again though...what if I don't get to the level of love you want? I told her that I do not believe in divorce and that I will work on it forever. (Which is true) I told her if she wanted a divorce, she would have to do it. She got very upset. I think because she doesn't want to look like the bad guy. I could be wrong. She swore she has no pics or letters from the OM. She also has swore that there has been zero contact between them. I do believe this. We have been very honest the last few weeks and she really doesn't need to hide anything from me. She has her own place, earns a huge paycheck, and is not one to be afraid to speak her mind. So that is not an issue. At the end of it all.. we both agreed to eat dinner as a family at both places so the kids are happy and she would make me breakfast and we would drive to work to talk to each other. (Her idea)

 

I am not asking if I were right or wrong in what I did, I am now asking for advice on what to do next. I felt that she was honest in saying what she said and she did add that her 100% wasn't my 100%, which I took to mean that she is trying but not at my level. She said she has many good days and a few bad days dealing with all that has happened, but she gets very afraid of falling back into that same old life of trying to be a woman she is not. How do I deal with this? How do I help her see that life can be better?

 

So basically, you accomplished nothing and re-enforced the idea that you will be waiting for her once OM is finally finished with her. You say this was the "last straw" but then you continue on about how you don't want to divorce and you're willing to wait around for her to figure things out with OM. It seems like every time you think I think you can't make things any worse, you somehow make yourself look even more needy and desperate.

 

Let me clue you into what you are missing here - Regardless of whether you believe in divorce or not - YOU HAVE TO FAKE IT. You have to be willing to risk her calling your bluff in order for her to feel like she has something to lose. She expects that you'll throw these temper tantrums every and now and then, but she also knows that you aren't going to do anything about it. Of course she'll let you see her phone. If she has any sense, she's already moved on to more stealth measures of contact.

 

This just isn't going to work out for you. You won't listen to anyone's advice and you won't stand up to her.

[HereNorThere]

And the "fog" is complete garbage. That "fog" is simply the feeling of being in new romantic love.

[oldshirt]

Please read the responses in bold below. I will concede it is all the same message as everyone else has said 1000 times before but one of these times it may be the 1001st time that actually sinks in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She is my world

 

 

And that is why you are failing at this so badly and why she is able to simply do as she pleases and to mistreat you and string you along so bad. Since you have made her your world, you have no other life without her and that makes you needy and desperate (which in turn makes her not respect you and she cannot desire a man she does not respect)

If you want to survive this with the slightest shred of dignity and self-respect intact, you simply must build a full and rich life for yourself outside of her.

 

 

and that I can't help.

 

 

ABSOLUTELY WRONG!! You can change that completely. It's called the 180 and people have recommended that to you 4.73 x 10 to the 12th power since day one. you have just been turning a deaf ear to it and focusing 100% of your energies on trying to keep her around.

 

If you were to devote your full time and energies into developing your own life without her, she would no longer be your anything other than the mother of your children and a woman that you used to have a life with. She would no longer be your present nor your future.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Am I afraid of being without her? Absolutely.

 

 

Making decisions based on fear are almost always the wrong decisions.

You are afraid of being without her because you have devoted your whole life to her and based everything around her.

You are also afraid you will never be able to find another woman. this is a completely false misconception provided you develop a life for yourself and not allow yourself to focus on her.

 

 

 

 

But to be honest, we are talking and trying to make this work.

 

 

Correction - YOU are trying to make this work. She is simply hanging out and throwing you a few little table scraps so you don't toss her out while she takes her sweet time waiting for the OM to come back or until she finds someone else. YOU are the one trying to save a memory of a former marriage while she lets you run around like a dancing monkey entertaining her and maintaining her current lifestyle until she gets her own affairs in order enough to walk out the moment she hooks a real man and walks away for good.

 

 

I told her that she can pursue the divorce if she wants, but I will not be apart of it.

 

 

And this is exactly what people have been trying to tell you since day one. You are relegating all control and power to her while stripping yourself of any control over your life at all.

She knows you will never leave and there for she can do whatever she wants and you will always be there for her with open arms and she will never feel any consequences for her actions.

She has all the power and all the decision making capability. She could leave you tomorrow or she could keep the dancing monkey around for years so she can keep her house and her comforts while she screws other men at her leisure and then once she finds one that will take her on full time, you will come home one day and there will be a Uhaul truck in the driveway loading up all her stuff and she will hand you the paperwork detailing how much you get to pay her every month and what bills are all going to be your sole responsibility to pay.

 

 

 

 

 

 

(I just don't believe in it)

 

 

And this is your single greatest downfall and it is this that she is exploiting to her full benefit.

Your own belief system doesn't allow you to protect yourself against the aggressor so you are basically a baby sheep waiting to be eaten by the wolf.

You are like France in World War II. You lost your will to stand up for yourself so the Nazi's get to just walk in and take over without a shot being fired. You are like a column of a thousand Jews being lead into the gas chamber in an orderly fashion by a handful of armed guards because no one wants to stand up and fight.

I am beginning to accept that we will probably lose you and that you will allow yourself to be used and exploited and manipulated and that you will live the rest of your married life as a cuckold that rubs her feet and washes her sperm-soaked underwear after she comes home from seeing one of her boyfriends because you are too weak and spineless to stand up for your own well being.

- but please, please, please for the love of all that is Holy, please raise your kids not to have the same belief system to stay in an abusive and exploitive and adulterous marriage just because you think divorce is bad.

Please raise them to stand up for themselves and to get away from people that are harming them and mistreating them and exploiting and manipulating them.

I don't know how you are going to do that since your are role-modeling that kind of behavior to them, but please do your best to raise them NOT to be like you.

 

 

 

 

She flatly denied wanting one anymore.

 

 

My Jr High aged daughter said the same thing last week. That's because she got dumped by her boyfriend. She is in the woe-is-me stage of a break up and hasn't recovered from the break up yet. It's just a matter of time before she gets through her grief process and gets back on the market again. She will change her tune in a day when she meets another man that trips her trigger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

She said she does want to work on our marriage but is afraid to see herself not falling for me and what that will mean for her life.

 

 

OK let's get this straight, when she talks, you need to picture thick, brown, smelly $h!t just bubbling out her mouth because that is all that is coming out of it these days - $h!t.

All she is doing is spewing $h!t so she doesn't have to pack her bags and go through the hassle of a divorce until she has her next man lined up to carry the big items to and from the truck.

 

 

 

 

[sandylee1]

Agoodperson

 

Do you have anything that constitutes a dealbreaker in the marriage for you?

 

If she keeps saying she doesn't have the same love for you as the OM, are you okay to keep things as they are for the rest of your marriage?

 

I wrote so much more but decided to delete it. You will know when you can't take anymore of this.

[beach]

I think sandy is asking if you have a healthy boundary for yourself...

 

Do you? If so, what is it?

[Spark1111]

And the "fog" is complete garbage. That "fog" is simply the feeling of being in new romantic love.

 

Don't dismiss it.

 

limerance is similiar in brain chemistry to the brain of the cocaine addicted.

 

Think you can reason logically with that person?

 

Think again.

[HereNorThere]

Don't dismiss it.

 

limerance is similiar in brain chemistry to the brain of the cocaine addicted.

 

Think you can reason logically with that person?

 

Think again.

 

 

I think we agree. I just don't like calling it "the fog" like it's some mysterious thing.

[agoodperson]

I think sandy is asking if you have a healthy boundary for yourself...

 

Do you? If so, what is it?

 

I do have a limit which I have told myself that I will not be willing to live with. If we reach that limit, I will go my own way and focus on the children. I will know I tried make a real effort at reconciliation and it failed. The kids will be destroyed in the short term, but we will survive and hopefully thrive. I will live a life of being truly loved be it with her or without, but only time will tell. I can tell you all that I am not going to live a life of servitude to her...I never have. (Definitely one of the reasons for the affair) But just because I don't believe in divorce, doesn't mean I won't live on my own without her. I really am getting more angry about this whole ordeal everyday. After last night, she knows it and it showed today. I really do appreciate all the support here. I have made my decision to try to work on the marriage and I do take your advice to heart and try to institute some of it in my dealings with her. I can't think straight and I have never been so alone in my entire life dealing with such trama to myself physically and mentally. I once was the life of the party if you will, and now the rumor at work is I am dying because of my sudden weight lose and change in attitude. (Got to love gossip mills) I am very slowly accepting that this marriage might be over because of her lack of physical love for me. Basically she loves me like a provider and protector and not a lover. She wants to go slow to see if we can rekindle the fire between us. She is afraid of feeling like all she is is a sex object. I can't train her to love me that way and if she cant, all hell will break lose in afraid. I will not tolerate that kind of life for myself. How long should I go with this taking it slow stuff? I am willing to try to understand her feeling, but their has to be limits to the timeline. Your thoughts

[DKT3]

I do have a limit which I have told myself that I will not be willing to live with. If we reach that limit, I will go my own way and focus on the children. I will know I tried make a real effort at reconciliation and it failed. The kids will be destroyed in the short term, but we will survive and hopefully thrive. I will live a life of being truly loved be it with her or without, but only time will tell. I can tell you all that I am not going to live a life of servitude to her...I never have. (Definitely one of the reasons for the affair) But just because I don't believe in divorce, doesn't mean I won't live on my own without her. I really am getting more angry about this whole ordeal everyday. After last night, she knows it and it showed today. I really do appreciate all the support here. I have made my decision to try to work on the marriage and I do take your advice to heart and try to institute some of it in my dealings with her. I can't think straight and I have never been so alone in my entire life dealing with such trama to myself physically and mentally. I once was the life of the party if you will, and now the rumor at work is I am dying because of my sudden weight lose and change in attitude. (Got to love gossip mills) I am very slowly accepting that this marriage might be over because of her lack of physical love for me. Basically she loves me like a provider and protector and not a lover. She wants to go slow to see if we can rekindle the fire between us. She is afraid of feeling like all she is is a sex object. I can't train her to love me that way and if she cant, all hell will break lose in afraid. I will not tolerate that kind of life for myself. How long should I go with this taking it slow stuff? I am willing to try to understand her feeling, but their has to be limits to the timeline. Your thoughts

 

I believe this is where so many BS's go wrong. You are waiting on her to decide if she can love you. Its weak and no way to earn her respect and more importantly a horrible example to set for your kids. They may not know or understand but in time kids figure these things out.

 

You have to be strong even if you have to fake it at first.

 

What I see happening is your wife is most likely still very much involved with the OM.

 

When you first come here I posted this to you

 

There is no doubt she is deeply involved with someone else. Shortly, you will start to see proof. Then of course it will be "were just friends" or "nothing happened until I left" or "Its nothing serious". Don't believe any of it, its all a lie. She left you for him, make no mistake about it. Its hard to hear, but you need to know it to move forward.

 

I suggest you do a few things

 

1) fast track the divorce process, she is so blinded by this other person that she isn't fighting you for anything including the kids. Use that to your favor. The more time goes the more she will want. Do it fast, take as much emotion out of it as you can.

 

2) change your opinion of her, she is gone (right now) she isn't your friend, she is no longer on your team.

 

3) do not allow her to dictate anything. She wants out get her gone then cut her off in all aspects of your life. Don't allow her to call you and talk feeling (which she will do), do not allow her to string you along with anything future involving the two of you. Do not allow her to come the home and do things with the kids. She wanted gone, get her gone.

 

The reason #3 is so important is because she will use these things to have both, her other lover and her family and do so with little to no guilt. She says she wants to see if she will miss you, then make her miss you.

 

Trust me (along with the others here) its hard, you'll have breakdowns and weak moments, just don't do it in front of her. Show her no emotions or softness. Stay firm, and before you know it it will hurt less.

 

Sorry for your pain, but you will get through this, I promise.

 

This way before you knew she was cheating. Stop f'ing around with this woman and starting looking out for yourself. Your marriage is dead, she is unremorseful, disrespectful and still banging OM or a least still planning to.

[whichwayisup]

And the "fog" is complete garbage. That "fog" is simply the feeling of being in new romantic love.

 

Yes, and it makes one not think properly, especially in affairs that new romantic love feeling is much more intense.

 

Maybe not all have felt the fog but many on here have said they were in a fog.

[whichwayisup]

I will know I tried make a real effort at reconciliation and it failed.

But when you're trying to fix things with a person who doesn't want to try, it's pointless and a waste of your time.

 

The only way (and this is a big IF) she *may* come around again, is if she loses you completely. Feels the loss of not having what she once had. Consequences!! People don't change unless they have to or if they truly want to. Nothing you can do or say while staying married to her, living with her will make her change her mind. If anything she'll just continue lying to you and doing as she pleases.

[Hope Shimmers]

How long should I go with this taking it slow stuff? I am willing to try to understand her feeling, but their has to be limits to the timeline. Your thoughts

 

I am wondering why you are asking that, after these many pages of replies to your thread where everyone said that "taking it slow" and sitting around and doing nothing while you try to "understand her feeling" is doing nothing positive for YOU. I guess I am wondering why you are dismissing what everyone has been telling you?

 

"Taking it slow" would be a great idea if she were "all in", but she is nowhere near that. Do you see that?

 

Now you are asking for limits to the timeline for sitting around and doing nothing? No one can answer that for you, as you are the only one who chose that route - the limit for the timeline is when you finally realize that you need to take control of the situation instead of being her patsy.

[beach]

Why not find out what motivates her to stay with you? Is it money? Maybe... Then take her money away and see how motivated she becomes to participate in the marriage. Find out if you're being used for money.

 

She can work and pay for her own things for a long while... That way she may get a dose of reality and what it's like to really earn her own way.

 

 

Maybe she should move out for a long while during her earning money period. Without you in front of her every day she may gain clarity on whether or not the M is her top priority.

 

It may also help you to understand her motivations better as well.

 

Since she's clearly not "all in" make her "all out" for a while without a divorce. She may just suddenly get more motivated to do the heavy lifting she should've been doing all along.

Edited February 25, 2015 by beach