Trying To Reconcile Update

[Ralph79]

AGP,

 

For the sake of your health I'm pleading with you, stop lying to yourself.

 

You've posted that you didn't want her back in your house, until she redeemed herself in some way. Then you say she's the one setting the timetable on her return.

 

You've stated that you are fed up and have confronted her, then say you will never divorce her.

 

You've told yourself you have never lived a life of servitude to her, yet immediately afterwards, admit it was one of the reasons for her affair.

 

You are going to go crazy because you keep twisting your own reality to justify her actions. You can't keep doing this. You are going to get seriously hurt. Please see things for what they are. This woman should be at your doorstep filled with remorse for what she's done to you... not wondering IF/WHEN this might happen again. This is bad. And we know deep down, you know this is wrong.

 

You are afraid of living a life without her, but honestly, I'd be more afraid of living the next 40 years of my life with the uncertainty of my wife's true feelings for me. Having to always be wary of the next infidelity. That's hell. You can't do this to yourself.

 

This advice is for you. People might not agree. But it's not meant for them. Dismiss it if you wish. This is the last suggestion I will make in your threads:

 

Go to your wife. Tell her you've thought things through, and you've come to terms with the fact that you can't live the rest of your life looking over her shoulder. Tell her you refuse to live with the burden of her uncertainty towards her commitment to you. That's no way for a Husband to live. Tell her you are going to file for a divorce and setup a schedule for her to visit your children and thank her for the XX amount of years you've been happily married. And walk away.

 

That is all you can do to save your family at this point, while you still have the upper hand.

 

Good Luck with whatever you do. But be strong. Don't be a coward. Many attractive women out there deserve the attention you are giving your wife, but NOT HER. It's up to you to keep throwing away your energy for someone who "needs to take it slow", as if you were the one who cheated.

[fellini]

It makes sense because fog is the effect of limmerance, not the cause.

 

As a metaphor I don't mind it because it captures the idea that the WS is enveloped and only focussed on what is inside at this time: her belief in suddenly finding a new soulmate. Everything else is deep inside the fog, it's there, but not in the picture.

 

Compartmentalization works pretty much the same way but on a rational level.

 

 

 

I think we agree. I just don't like calling it "the fog" like it's some mysterious thing.

[fellini]

OP: sometimes reading these boards you get the feeling that everyone lives entirely in the extremes : trauma, betrayal, deal breaking, deepest love, true love, true remorse, addiction, fog, the 180 ... the list goes on.

 

The fact is most of us do not live in the extremes, but rather somewhere in between. If you feel you are currently living in an extreme and that this is not how you usually live, then you must surely recognise that dealing with aspects of your life in this state is unwise. Get back on stable ground. We know this to be true because that is precisely what got us here: our WS was making tiny and huge decisions living in an extreme - the affair.

 

 

You might solve your current dilemma, but this does not necessarily mean you and your SO are going to end up like a Hollywood romance with a happy ending. You might end up with a fairly normal, healthy marriage. Not a poster child for the tea party of family values.

 

The only person who can love you is the person you allow. No one here can measure this love talking about her infidelity. No one here can rightfully claim that a profound love will come if she does X, y, z

 

You need to recover and deal with this infidelity. It was a toxic event in the continuum of your story that is your life. Deal with the infidelity. Find at least a minimum degree of closure so that you can move on to the bigger ideal of ascertaining if the two of you can still be together, and if whatever love she has is what you are going to be happy with.

 

perhaps take a look at O'hanlon's work on brief structured solution based therapy, specifically "Do one thing different". It doesn't matter if she participants, when one entity changes one thing, the environment in which both connect is automatically changed.

Edited February 25, 2015 by fellini

[agoodperson]

I am writing today just for personal release and for those going through the same thing. Today is what I call a bad day emotionally. I am starting to realize more and more that is also loss and that can only be bad for the Reconciliation going forward. It is a hard realization to deal with. My heart says to fight like hell, but my brain says that she is not into it as much as me...so why do this to yourself. I am starting to accept my brain's conclusion more and more the last few days. It is hard to be with your wife when she is not sexually attracted to you. It sucks to know that may never change. It hurts real bad. Then I have the kids to think about. They are very happy right now and are loving life again. I have been tossing and turning over this predicament I am in all the time. Most would say do a 180. At this point, that is not an option for the kids sake. It hurts not to be truly loved by someone who swore that they would until death. This is by far the worst time in my life and it seems to be getting worse as the days go by. I am trapped in a situation of one sided love. One cannot sacrifice the happiness of their 3 children because of sex. And that is my dilemma. She is perfect to me in every way right now except sexually. So I soldier on until things get better or they get worse in terms of a lack of reconciliation. I have thoughts in my head as to what I am willing to put up with for the next few weeks, but it is very little. I am getting very angry all the time as of late. I feel jealous of those that are happy. I just want my happiness and my kids happiness back. Leaving my give me mine, but trust me when I say that the kids will not have theirs. Been there and did that for a month...horrible. So I sit here depressed and angry once again. I am sure she is sad over him and feeling trapped with me. I think she is afraid to look like the bad guy with the kids and is only stringing me along because there is nothing better at this moment. Her OM lives 1500 miles away and just went bankrupt and has zero contact with her as far as I know. Crappy situation for sure.

[Chi townD]

Have you even considered going t marriage counseling? If you do, I strongly recommend you do your homework and find one that specializes in infidelity. It could be that it hurts to get close to you because she knows the pain she caused. She could be ashamed. Hard to feel sexy when you're ashamed of yourself. Hard to accept affection from you because maybe she thinks she doesn't deserve it.

 

 

Could be anything dude.

[beach]

I think it may be useful to sit her down and have her explain what she's feeling/thinking!

 

And come to an agreement about how she expects to participate in the marriage. You deserve answers! Let her talk - and you just listen.

[Chi townD]

I agree with beach. I think your BIGGEST problem with this marriage is you two need to learn to talk to each other.

[Chasing_mya]

AGoodPerson, Is she staying with you for 'the kids sake' or because she genuinely wants to work on the marriage? Is she staying because she doesn't want to 'pain' the children? If she is, I'm telling you from experience that she will never be 100% yours, especially emotionally. Its like she'll be there doing family things in the physical but mentally she's somewhere else. She's going through all types of emotions....having a D-day, her AP not wanting to deal with all the extra, and trying to reprogram her brain that now she's going to continue a life with you. Based on what you said she was leaving so her mind frame was on a whole other level. I know you believe in the committment of marriage 100% but if her heart is not in it, you're just fooling yourself. Please try to find out what she genuinely wants and work from there. Believe me you'll be doing yourself, your W, and kids a favor. You deserve to be happy too! Wishing you the best!

[oldshirt]

 

I am trapped in a situation of one sided love. One cannot sacrifice the happiness of their 3 children because of sex. And that is my dilemma. She is perfect to me in every way right now except sexually.

 

 

 

 

wwwwhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaattttttttttttt??!

 

That is completely delusional!!! How can you say that a woman who is in love with another man and was having porn star sex with him behind your back is the perfect woman for you??? That is crazy talk. Have you been drinking the bong water again?

 

You are not the selfish one here.

 

This is not an issue of a frustrated man who's wife has lost interest in sex and he feels conflicted about his needs vs the needs of the family.

 

This is a woman who a few short months ago was vowing her love to another man and admitted in writing she would try to appease you untill the coast was clear and then get back with him. That's your "perfect" for you wife other than sex????

 

She's not an asexual woman with a sexual dysfunction, she had lots of hot steamy sex and wants more... Just with the other man.

 

You are putting a cheater and a lier and a homewrecker on a pedestal that she has no business being on.

[oldshirt]

 

 

Most would say do a 180. At this point, that is not an option for the kids sake.

 

 

 

 

.

 

Huh???? Please explain. Quote me one word out of the 180 that says anything about not being able to do it for the kids sake.

 

What does the 180 have to do with the kids?? What do the kids have to do with the 180?

 

The 180 is about moving on with your life in a manner that empowers and enables you to live your life in a manner best for you. How would that negatively impact the kids in any way shape or form???

 

You are holding the kids responsible for your imprisonment in a foul and exploitive marriage. Some day they will be resentfull of that. You are teaching them through your actions to be weak and indecisive and to allow others to abuse them.

 

Your current actions (or more precisely, your inactions) are causing them more harm and detriment than doing the 180. The 180 is about taking charge of your life and doing what is healthy and empowering in the face of being delt a crappy hand of cards. The 180 is good and healthy. What you are doing is toxic and insidious.

[agoodperson]

AGoodPerson, Is she staying with you for 'the kids sake' or because she genuinely wants to work on the marriage? Is she staying because she doesn't want to 'pain' the children? If she is, I'm telling you from experience that she will never be 100% yours, especially emotionally. Its like she'll be there doing family things in the physical but mentally she's somewhere else. She's going through all types of emotions....having a D-day, her AP not wanting to deal with all the extra, and trying to reprogram her brain that now she's going to continue a life with you. Based on what you said she was leaving so her mind frame was on a whole other level. I know you believe in the committment of marriage 100% but if her heart is not in it, you're just fooling yourself. Please try to find out what she genuinely wants and work from there. Believe me you'll be doing yourself, your W, and kids a favor. You deserve to be happy too! Wishing you the best!

 

We sat down and discussed the Reconciliation and we both agreed to really try. What I want to know is how long do I go trying to reconcile under the current status. In other words, how long does one stay in a loveless marriage trying to work on finding it again? I know most of you are the cut run types. I am the try to fix it type until I think it can't be. I am closer to the latter than it being fixed as the days go forward. I am starting to see routines during the last four weeks. They all end with me feeling the same way...that my life is ruined. The kids are happy because we are laughing and playing as we all did. But at the end of the day, I have a wife who cheated and is living in her own apartment and I am at home feeling alone. She is now trying to find that love...I can see that by her current actions. (Asked me on a date this Saturday) She has also been more physical in terms of being the first to hug and kiss. I believe this to be because she is giving it a real try. I just don't think she will find what she is looking for. So the question remains, how long do I go trying to reconcile until I have to use the court order kid custody agreement again? If I do that, I am totally done with the marriage and going to accept that I am a single father of 3 and very alone emotionally.

[Biere123]

Oh so she's forcing it now? She can say she tried. You have a better chance at winning the lottery. Then, you can buy happiness perhaps.

[WomenWubber]

@agoodperson

 

"I want to know is how long do I go trying to reconcile under the current status"

 

Until your wife announces her desire to divorce you. If she does this, then you know there's no hope.

Edited February 26, 2015 by WomenWubber

[workathome]

We sat down and discussed the Reconciliation and we both agreed to really try. What I want to know is how long do I go trying to reconcile under the current status. In other words, how long does one stay in a loveless marriage trying to work on finding it again? I know most of you are the cut run types. I am the try to fix it type until I think it can't be. I am closer to the latter than it being fixed as the days go forward. I am starting to see routines during the last four weeks. They all end with me feeling the same way...that my life is ruined. The kids are happy because we are laughing and playing as we all did. But at the end of the day, I have a wife who cheated and is living in her own apartment and I am at home feeling alone. She is now trying to find that love...I can see that by her current actions. (Asked me on a date this Saturday) She has also been more physical in terms of being the first to hug and kiss. I believe this to be because she is giving it a real try. I just don't think she will find what she is looking for. So the question remains, how long do I go trying to reconcile until I have to use the court order kid custody agreement again? If I do that, I am totally done with the marriage and going to accept that I am a single father of 3 and very alone emotionally.

 

Is she paying you the child support that you agreed to?

 

Are you going to marriage counseling?

 

Why in the world are you playing this game of "perfect and loving" couple in front of your children? You are not even close to being back together, so why give the kids this false sense of things.

 

Spend time together away from your children so they are not even more confused when things don't work out.

 

You mentioned in a past post that after the confrontation, you and your wife promised to be totally honest with each other and discuss "everything". Because of this, she didn't feel the need to share passwords or give access to her phone. When you confronted her on this, she finally relented. It seems to me that she is hiding things. You should have open aceess to EVERYTHING. You should not trust a word she says until she proves she can be trusted again.

 

You seem like an amazingly nice man who really wants your marriage to work. Unfortunately, you have given her the keys to the kingdom; and that makes her the king and quenn. Until you take back the roll of king, and make her face some consequences for her actions, you will be on this roller coaster. Believe me, she has the keys to the roller coaster too!

[BlueIris]

We sat down and discussed the Reconciliation and we both agreed to really try. What I want to know is how long do I go trying to reconcile under the current status. In other words, how long does one stay in a loveless marriage trying to work on finding it again?

 

I know most of you are the cut run types. I am the try to fix it type until I think it can't be. I am closer to the latter than it being fixed as the days go forward. I am starting to see routines during the last four weeks.

 

They all end with me feeling the same way...that my life is ruined.

 

The kids are happy because we are laughing and playing as we all did. But at the end of the day, I have a wife who cheated and is living in her own apartment and I am at home feeling alone. She is now trying to find that love...I can see that by her current actions. (Asked me on a date this Saturday) She has also been more physical in terms of being the first to hug and kiss. I believe this to be because she is giving it a real try. I just don't think she will find what she is looking for.

 

So the question remains, how long do I go trying to reconcile until I have to use the court order kid custody agreement again? If I do that, I am totally done with the marriage and going to accept that I am a single father of 3 and very alone emotionally.

 

I think that you have to deal with your own feelings first, before you can begin fixing the marriage. I just don’t see how someone could reconcile without dealing with himself first.

 

How honest have you been with her and with yourself?

 

If I were in your position, I don’t think I could work on reconciling until after processing all of the feelings I had. I’d feel so overwhelmed. Plus I’d probably tell her that I don’t trust her anymore and feel used and disrespected and that I need a lot of time to work through how I feel before making a decision about what to do- and to see if I could trust her again.

 

I never had this happen in a marriage but I did have a child who stole and lied when she was a teenager- big time stealing and lying. Now, many years later, and based on her actions, we trust her in some ways but not in others, at least not completely. That’s the residue of being dishonest, it takes people a long time to trust you again. The person who broke the trust bears the burden of fixing it through long-term behavior.

 

In your case, right now it sounds as though your wife is looking for your approval or acceptance so that SHE can feel better. I get the feeling that she wants you to brush it under the rug, or at least brush your own feelings and dignity under the rug. And I just don’t understand how you can do that. It just doesn’t sound as though she is really looking herself in the mirror at all and digesting what she did and how it affects you, her children, and even her view of herself. That dynamic of denial and pretending and avoiding would be fatal to a relationship, in my opinion.

 

Also, I doubt your kids are “happy.” I bet they are hoping to be good kids and be and act happy so that the family structure they know doesn’t go over the cliff. I bet they’re scared and hoping, and can sense the turbulence below the surface very well.

 

Anyway, I wish you all good luck. And I really hope that you tend to your needs.

[Chi townD]

When are the two of you going to go into marriage counseling? The Counselor will give you homework and exercises that can help you reconnect.

[beach]

How long?

 

If you feel she isn't meeting YOUR needs/wants and desires - I can't think of any reason to continue being manipulated with more lies.

 

That's for you to determine what that looks like for yourself.

[agoodperson]

I think that you have to deal with your own feelings first, before you can begin fixing the marriage. I just don’t see how someone could reconcile without dealing with himself first.

 

How honest have you been with her and with yourself?

 

If I were in your position, I don’t think I could work on reconciling until after processing all of the feelings I had. I’d feel so overwhelmed. Plus I’d probably tell her that I don’t trust her anymore and feel used and disrespected and that I need a lot of time to work through how I feel before making a decision about what to do- and to see if I could trust her again.

 

I never had this happen in a marriage but I did have a child who stole and lied when she was a teenager- big time stealing and lying. Now, many years later, and based on her actions, we trust her in some ways but not in others, at least not completely. That’s the residue of being dishonest, it takes people a long time to trust you again. The person who broke the trust bears the burden of fixing it through long-term behavior.

 

In your case, right now it sounds as though your wife is looking for your approval or acceptance so that SHE can feel better. I get the feeling that she wants you to brush it under the rug, or at least brush your own feelings and dignity under the rug. And I just don’t understand how you can do that. It just doesn’t sound as though she is really looking herself in the mirror at all and digesting what she did and how it affects you, her children, and even her view of herself. That dynamic of denial and pretending and avoiding would be fatal to a relationship, in my opinion.

 

Also, I doubt your kids are “happy.” I bet they are hoping to be good kids and be and act happy so that the family structure they know doesn’t go over the cliff. I bet they’re scared and hoping, and can sense the turbulence below the surface very well.

 

Anyway, I wish you all good luck. And I really hope that you tend to your needs.

 

You seem to be the closest to what I think is going on. The kids told me today they were still scared. Her living away confuses them they said. I am sure I am not helping with my depression either. I honestly don't think she is looking in the mirror either to see what she did. I think she is silently blaming me for ruining her "new love" which we now know would of failed in the long run. Because of this, she is probably not over him yet and hanging on to some anger issues concerning my part in the destruction of "their" love. So this is my best guess at what is in her mind. I have read that it will take 2 to 6 months for her to get over that loss love feeling if she sticks to the no contact rule. Don't get me wrong, we are seemingly doing the proper steps in this reconciliation, but with exception to having a normal sex life again.

[BlueIris]

You seem to be the closest to what I think is going on. The kids told me today they were still scared. Her living away confuses them they said. I am sure I am not helping with my depression either.

 

[This part is about her, so I’m not so worried about that: I honestly don't think she is looking in the mirror either to see what she did. I think she is silently blaming me for ruining her "new love" which we now know would of failed in the long run. Because of this, she is probably not over him yet and hanging on to some anger issues concerning my part in the destruction of "their" love. So this is my best guess at what is in her mind. I have read that it will take 2 to 6 months for her to get over that loss love feeling if she sticks to the no contact rule.]

 

Don't get me wrong, we are seemingly doing the proper steps in this reconciliation, but with exception to having a normal sex life again.

 

agoodperson,

 

ChiTownD made a good point about starting marriage counseling.

 

I don’t know what the proper steps to reconciliation are or even if there is a template for success. I’d guess a MC would know. But I would think that it MUST include your being truly honest about the pain that you are feeling, very directly and calmly so that it can’t be dismissed as an outburst. If your marriage is going to survive this, you and your feelings HAVE TO become more important to both of you. Trying to keep the marriage together doesn’t make sense to me if it is so imbalanced and both of you are focusing on her and what she’s thinking and feeling. Put yourself into the equation. Maybe it would be easier to do in a marriage counselor’s office?

[beach]

You seem to be the closest to what I think is going on. The kids told me today they were still scared. Her living away confuses them they said. I am sure I am not helping with my depression either. I honestly don't think she is looking in the mirror either to see what she did. I think she is silently blaming me for ruining her "new love" which we now know would of failed in the long run. Because of this, she is probably not over him yet and hanging on to some anger issues concerning my part in the destruction of "their" love. So this is my best guess at what is in her mind. I have read that it will take 2 to 6 months for her to get over that loss love feeling if she sticks to the no contact rule. Don't get me wrong, we are seemingly doing the proper steps in this reconciliation, but with exception to having a normal sex life again.

 

You need to get to her motivation. Is she R because she really, really loves you or because she intends to use you?

 

Is her idea of R repairing that damage she caused? How does she intend to make you feel safe and secure within your M?

 

You need to know what HER plan of ACTION will be.

[badkarma2013]

You need to get to her motivation. Is she R because she really, really loves you or because she intends to use you?

 

Is her idea of R repairing that damage she caused? How does she intend to make you feel safe and secure within your M?

 

You need to know what HER plan of ACTION will be.

 

*******************************************************************

 

Well said...As" No Limit"stated yesterday:"If true remorse is not shown by your WW,successful Reconciliation is impossible.....

Edited February 27, 2015 by badkarma2013

[HereNorThere]

You seem to be the closest to what I think is going on. The kids told me today they were still scared. Her living away confuses them they said. I am sure I am not helping with my depression either. I honestly don't think she is looking in the mirror either to see what she did. I think she is silently blaming me for ruining her "new love" which we now know would of failed in the long run. Because of this, she is probably not over him yet and hanging on to some anger issues concerning my part in the destruction of "their" love. So this is my best guess at what is in her mind. I have read that it will take 2 to 6 months for her to get over that loss love feeling if she sticks to the no contact rule. Don't get me wrong, we are seemingly doing the proper steps in this reconciliation, but with exception to having a normal sex life again.

 

This 2 to 6 month generalization is definitely on the optimistic, short side of things and probably doesn't apply to your situation. Look at it this way, you couldn't be over her in 2 to 6 months, so it's foolish to think she possesses some magic super power you don't. Also, since she is being forced and it isn't her decision, it will likely take much, much longer. You also run the risk of actually making it draw out for an even greater period of time because now he's gone into forbidden fruit status.

 

I think there are many people here who have never gotten over someone. I know I've certainly have relationships from my past, even up to 10 years ago, that I'm still not completely over.

 

This is something that will most likely haunt the relationship forever. It would be much better if they had actually attempted the relationship and failed. At this point, they're Romeo and Juliet in each others eyes.

 

It's much healthier to stop looking at this as an event or incident in your life together and let it reflect on the whole of her personality. It's hard to admit that not everyone is a good person. Some people are bad people and that's okay. Sometimes good people have children with bad people and have to deal with them for a long period of time or even forever. It's okay to admit to yourself that you chose the wrong person and have to pay a price for that. We all make mistakes and this is a mistake you made.

[badkarma2013]

Posted by HereNorThere: It's okay to admit to yourself that you chose the wrong person and have to pay a price for that. We all make mistakes and this is a mistake you made.

******************************************************************

 

Sometimes it is Nothing more than that and we all have to move on...Badkarma

[TexasMan68]

Some people just don't know when to let go. This is a relationship that you want to work not her. The only reason she is with you is because the OM dumped her chief!! Coming back to you was plan B like it was said earlier. She knew you would take her back. Once she finds someone else the cheating will start over again. Your just too blind too see it or face the truth. It might be time to turn in your Man card if your going to continue to be a doormat.

[agoodperson]

Update...the last 2 days have been very nice. We have spent some time together alone. (Nothing serious...just watching TV and talking) She set up a double date with another couple for tonight. She qualified this with that she was only having a drink and not going out to party. So I took it as we are having dinner and that is it so don't get your hopes up...which really stung my ego. I will say that in 17 years of being together, we never went more than a week without making love. We are at 2 weeks and it is killing me. I realize that sex is not everything, but boy do I miss it. She has played the part of wife better than she has in years over the last week with exception to sex. She wants to take that slow so she doesn't feel like she is just doing it. Like I said, everything else is perfect except that. Am I over thinking this? How long do you go before you throw in the towel and say that we are not meant for each other romantically and end the relationship? (Am I wrong for wanting to live with someone who wants me?) At this point, she talks about the future with confidence. Tonight she discussed moving home again and was very happy about it. I, on the other hand, stopped her and said I hope you find that spark for me again so you can. I wanted her to know that I didn't want her home unless she did actually "want" me. She gave me a very passionate kiss brought on totally by her and she liked it so much, she asked for another. Now I still felt as though she was lost between 2 worlds. All day she had people comment how lucky she was to have me and perfect we are together. (I bought her some flowers and snuck the into her classroom) She obviously loved this. I was trying to put some spark into relationship. It seemed to work well. She brought up the last time we had sex and that she thought it was fun. She even asked for a message when we first were alone. But she did not want to have sex, just being nice to each other. As she explained it, she felt before the affair that she was just doing things because she had to and now she wants to do things because she wants to. She is becoming more sensual, but at a snails pace. How long would you go without sex even though everything else seems okay before giving up that she will truly ever "love" me again? Remember that I am trying to reconcile with her. I mean, I am not going to have her move home if she doesn't want to be intimate with me. She basically has an apartment until July and the her lease is up. I want to know how long a normal reconciliation goes before their is a return to normal intimacy? And how long do I go without this intimacy before telling her that we should just accept that our relationship is dead in terms of sex life and that we should just end it? (I am starting to accept that we might well end up divorced) We have 3 great kids to think about as well. I would say this, if this was a brand new relationship, I would consider it going absolutely great. But being it is not brand new, I feel as though it is going to slow while she feels it is going great. (She told me she loved this week with us and is starting to get those feelings back) I just don't know though. My heart is starting to say that she just won't get it...the passion. Do I want to settle with a person that I truly love but doesn't really want me physically? The kids are happy and so is she, but I am not...just because of the no sex thing. How long would you all suggest going without sex before saying enough is enough...we are obviously not going to get to a level of marriage that we are both happy with? A month? 2 months? How long is reasonable for this situation? It really is important to me, but seeing the kids happy is as well. She is more than willing to live with me again without sex, that I can see in her. But she now knows that is not an option for me. I had my hand on her butt tonight and she pulled it away showing me she just isn't there yet. I just don't know what a reasonable time frame is...when she wants to take it slow. I more wrist will be like Popeyes forearms pretty soon. Lol