The affair, the backstory and the aftermath...

[Selfish]

How exactly does an affair restart if her and her husband go to a wedding that the OM attends?

 

NC that involves the things you mentioned, hanging out one on one, back rubs, sending private emails, being facebook friends, basically, no no contact is entirely different than keeping a friend who lives in a different place and was unaware of the affair. This situation is also so different than any one of yours it isn't even comparable.

 

There is a lot of info on the internet and all of it is people's opinions when it comes to this. Unreliable stats that do blanket sweeps and that is all.

 

If a best friend dumped me because of something she chose to do with my brother while I would understand I would wonder why she did so if she was truly recommitted to her marriage. After all, my brothers have their own life. I couldn't help that they are my brothers.

 

I get why it is troubling when you have experiences the pain of betrayal and have zero tolerance for your ws even seeing the ap. But, the husband does not (or thinks he does not) share your feelings. He might realize he does and take her up on her standing offer to cut ties.

 

Op I would really insist that if you are to go the wedding he comes. You will need the support and i think he would feel safer being close to you. Then if it turns out he isn't ready for that he can say so. You could always ask your friend id you could step down from the wedding party as well.

[Selfish]

i would also consider asking to not be the godmother. Obviously it isnt a legal inheiriting thing or they wouldnt have unrelated people. You can be a great aunt figure without a title. And, i confirmed the fact that the brother does not live there. This also shows it could be very easy to avoid him.

Edited February 23, 2015 by Selfish

[road]

This has gone too far. I'm not in charge and won't have time to get back here for the rest of the week, but would somebody please help DKT3 and road do the right thing by these people for pete's sake? Dozens, probably hundreds, of posters with longer track records have seen OTHER patterns and consequences. OP needs an open mind, but she needs more input to know the options and why. Where IS everybody??

 

Selfish, I don't know you. This isn't personal. It's not even about you, but it's like you're giving her a college rush to join your club or something. You're hogging the pages and getting inside her head, if that's what you want. It's not your fault there are only a couple of people in the peanut gallery, but she still needs other input.

 

Grizzly, I think if you keep listening only to her, you're going to rationalize yourself out of a marriage. There are PLENTY of old-timers that would tell you this sorta, sometimes, customized NC (not) bullsh-t is the stuff affairs are made on and, if you keep it up, that's all you'll have. There are oodles of websites that will concur. Selfish is saying what you want to hear, but can you do it that way? Have you done it? You've said and thought before that you could handle seeing OM. If it all comes down to a phone call that doesn't get through to your H, how good is that plan? You and your husband could pay dearly for this mindgame. Bend, modify and individualize all you want. It's just rationalization, plain and simple.

 

Here's an example: My husband and sister-in-law played a similar mind game. They needed for the EA to be okay and thought avoiding a PA made it so. After all, they were the best of friends but occasionally just "lost it." Each time, they'd agree it was "stupid" and vowed not to do it again. Then, there they'd be again—home alone once more, exchanging those pesky backrubs, sharing warm fuzzies that moved into frontal hugs long and close, and then—damn, lost it agin! How stupid! Even on Dday they couldn't hear the lameness, e.g., men/women friendships are normal, this was 90% friendship, they'd only 'lost it' a few times, there was no penetration (just your run-of-the-mill in-law hand-job).

 

It starts with thinking you're on top of of your feelings and telling your brain what it needs to hear. But to survive, your marriage requires that you be honest with yourself and avoid risk by instituting NC between you and the OM. I think you know this.

 

I hope you don't go in April, Grizzly. H will be grateful when all is said and done that you did that for him even though he didn't ask it. Your friend and her family will be fine without you, and if she's really a friend she'll understand.

 

 

 

Grizzly liked this quoted post. Then hopefully Grizzly now understands NC and goes NC with the OM.

[Grizzly101]

What allowed the PA to happen was that the EA was not over. I thought I could handle it, I was wrong. I was thinking about him, wanting to be with him, etc. all I needed was that fight to give me an excuse (rationalization).

 

What is different now is that the EA is over. I don't act like a schoolgirl every time I see a photo or hear his name. My mindset is in a completely different place than it was then. I strongly desire for my marriage to work.

 

And, Road, you need to stop the name calling about my H. He is not a loser, an idiot or any of the other things that you have rudely called him in previous comments. He made a poor choice and allowed me to indulge in a fantasy that we both had. It ended poorly because of my choices. He is the victim in all of this.

[road]

How exactly does an affair restart if her and her husband go to a wedding that the OM attends?

 

 

 

 

 

NC is for the BH. Anger, pain, having to see the OM walking around smiling is too much.

 

 

Also BH at wedding he can not be along side his WW non stop. Then the thoughts were is WW. Then I have not seen WW for ten minutes. Then Fifteen minutes WW still gone and I don't see OM.

 

 

Even if the OM and WW did not have a quickie for a WW to put her BH through such a mental torture is cruel.

 

 

Obviously some people, from the way they post have never been a BH or a BW.

 

 

Advocating behavior that is harmful to a marriage is disgraceful.

[road]

What allowed the PA to happen was that the EA was not over. I thought I could handle it, I was wrong. I was thinking about him, wanting to be with him, etc. all I needed was that fight to give me an excuse (rationalization).

 

What is different now is that the EA is over. I don't act like a schoolgirl every time I see a photo or hear his name. My mindset is in a completely different place than it was then. I strongly desire for my marriage to work.

 

And, Road, you need to stop the name calling about my H. He is not a loser, an idiot or any of the other things that you have rudely called him in previous comments. He made a poor choice and allowed me to indulge in a fantasy that we both had. It ended poorly because of my choices. He is the victim in all of this.

 

 

 

Continued contact causes the addictive chemical brains reactions that caused you to desire the OM and do him. As with a drug the high sensations make the addict crave her drug.

 

 

The affair with an OM creates the same addictive brain chemistry in the WW.

 

 

This is why alcoholics can not hang out in bars. Placing them in front of their addiction makes them fall off the wagon because their brain starts to remember the high the got when they drink. Which starts the crave for them to drink. This craving overrides their memories of how bad the drinking effected their life.

 

 

The way a cocaine addict's brain craves the high, a WS's brain when exposed to their source of addiction will eventually restart craving her OM.

 

 

Her brain by going NC with the OM allowed her brain chemistry to detox.

Her continued contact will restart her addiction process to the OM. Not interaction, but just the sight causes her brain chemistry to recreate her addictive feelings for the OM.

 

 

Whether to have an affair is about morals, being weak, bad decisions. Once the line is crossed it is then a battle to fight addictive urges in addition.

[merrmeade]

I wasn't going to do this but must clarify if the details are so distracting ...

-- Obviously, NO, the situations and details are completely different. I probably got distracted myself, remembering the details and should've summarized. But just saying "the mind plays tricks" is a cliche; an example usually brings the point home. If my example failed to convey the concept, then leave it.

 

The comparison was in the tendency to minimize, rename or dismiss danger because it's inconvenient or you don't want other things to change. OP wants things as they were with her friend's family. But her confidence about what she will do faced with the same temptations is unrealistic and unconvincing. Taking her husband would obviously change the dynamic, prevent risk and protect the marriage.

[Chi townD]

The problem is, I think your BH wants to rug sweep this. To show you that he's in control of his feelings and emotions. He knows he's just as much to blame for the state of thins right now, so he wants to show that he can trust again.

 

 

But, here's the rub, saying he can trust and ACTUALLY trusting are two different things.

 

 

I'm telling you, if you're going to an event that you know the OM is going to be at, I think it is in your best interest NOT TO BE THERE!

 

 

Send a wedding gift and a card, then take your husband away for a getaway weekend (the weekend of the wedding) to a Bed ad Breakfast at a quant little town.

 

 

Now, which sounds more enjoyable. Being at a wedding that's going to make you feel very uncomfortable and wondering what your husband is doing at home. Because, he'll probably be climbing the walls wondering what's happening while he knocks the head and shoulders off a bottle of booze back home.

 

 

OR

 

 

Send a gift and a congratulations card to the happy couple. Take your husband to that B&B and have an enjoyable weekend, just the two of you and reconnecting. Doing things that the two of you enjoy. Whether that's shopping, or going to a concert or a sporting event, eating at cute little Bistro's with some damn good food. And maybe buying a nice little outfit from Victoria Secret just for him to see.

 

 

NOW! Which one of those sound more enjoyable? Which one sounds like it would afford the least amount of stress? Which one of those would create memories you would like to hold onto? Which one of those would cause the least problems for your marriage?

 

 

The answer should be easy for you.

[merrmeade]

Taking her husband would obviously change the dynamic, prevent risk and protect the marriage. but could be awful for the BH as road pointed out. As Chi said, BH is either trying to rug sweep or is too trusting. WW cannot trust her own thinking at this time.

[Selfish]

Road, people don't take long to break free of addictions. There is a lot of science to back that up. If we are talking constant exposure to the OM that is one thing.

 

But this is two instances with nothing inbetween.

 

Going to the wedding and keeping innocent friends is not rugsweeping in my opinion. Them pretending the affair never happened between them? Never discussing these things. Never confronting anything? That is rugsweeping. It is taking the problem and hiding it and not discussing it is there. As I said my H and I used those akward as hell situations to communicate and share honestly what we felt. Does that work for everyone? Uh no?

 

Does the drop all friends related, don't go anywhere the AP might be necessary for everyone? In your opinion yes. In mine. No.

[Selfish]

Taking her husband would obviously change the dynamic, prevent risk and protect the marriage. but could be awful for the BH as road pointed out. As Chi said, BH is either trying to rug sweep or is too trusting. WW cannot trust her own thinking at this time.

 

If either of those are true it will be a lesson learned. This isn't a case of her emailing or deciding to meet up with him for a "closure" speech. She can have boundaries in place for not doing that. She can make sure she is never alone. this didn't just happen last week. Time has passed.

[drifter777]

Road, people don't take long to break free of addictions. There is a lot of science to back that up. ....

This is true. Any drug counselor will tell you that they can get addicts clean in a few days. Heroin, crack, booze - its all the same. But that same counselor will then tell you that the hard part is getting that addict to stay away from those substances. That is the problem with addiction. And those addicts can never use like a "normal" person again because they are addicts. Once they start using again the cravings will take over their soul and they will be right back where they left off.

 

If her BH is not pushing for a cuckold or MMF thing then OP being around the OM under any circumstances right now is playing with fire. Its also just plain mean to put her BH into this position.

[Chi townD]

 

Does the drop all friends related, don't go anywhere the AP might be necessary for everyone? In your opinion yes. In mine. No.

 

 

 

I don't agree with this. I think things are a bit too raw for them to be partying it up in the same room as the OM.

 

 

Now, are we saying to drop their friends? No. But, I do believe they need to distance themselves for a while so they can heal as a couple. It's too fragile right now.

 

 

It's like having an alcoholic dry out in rehab and is serious about his sobriety. Then, after his release from rehab, his friends wants to have a welcome home party for him in a Pub. The dude isn't strong enough yet in his sobriety to handle being in an environment where there's drinking. Well, I feel that they're not strong enough in their marriage to be around her affair partner.

[autumnnight]

There is a difference between being AT a wedding and being IN a wedding. I can attend a wedding, get there just before it starts, sit in the back, and leave during the recessional.

 

If I am IN the wedding, I am at all sorts of other events and cannot control how much time I am around other wedding party members.

 

So no, being IN a wedding that the OM is IN makes zero sense.

 

It goes deeper than that though. I cannot imagine a truly broken and repentant WS who would WANT to be anywhere near the OM, no matter what the BS says.

[Spectre]

I'm sorry, but WHY is this even being discussed? Lady, NOPE, you don't get to go to this wedding. Not if you have even a shred of decency in you, you will stay away. Not if you want to save your marriage. Nope, "some contact might happen" is a cop out. Stay the hell away from anywhere this guy will be.

 

If you can't do it? There is nothing to discuss, you don't love your husband then, period. You say you love him? Okay, don't listen to anyone asinine enough to tell you going to this wedding is a good idea. It's not.

 

Make no mistake: contact only occurs if you want it to occur. Stay away from any situations the guy might be at. If this sounds extreme then meh..cheating is extreme too. But the fact this is an even still a discussion is not a good sign. It should be over and done, a concrete "I will stay the F away from this guy, no matter what".

 

If that isn't concrete, how can you expect anyone to believe you are sorry for what you did? It might suck, but you do totally have to drop all friends that are related to this guy. Dem's the breaks, as they say. You do the crime you do the time, and for you that time is "I get to be nowhere near the OM, ever, until the end of days, and even after that". If you come back not accepting that and trying to list ways in which contact with this OM might totally be okay..you are honestly just better off divorcing.

Edited February 24, 2015 by Spectre

[DKT3]

There is a difference between being AT a wedding and being IN a wedding. I can attend a wedding, get there just before it starts, sit in the back, and leave during the recessional.

 

If I am IN the wedding, I am at all sorts of other events and cannot control how much time I am around other wedding party members.

 

So no, being IN a wedding that the OM is IN makes zero sense.

 

It goes deeper than that though. I cannot imagine a truly broken and repentant WS who would WANT to be anywhere near the OM, no matter what the BS says.

 

And this is the point. Its not about want the BS is ok with, or dictating what they can handle. Its al about why would the WS want to put their spouse, marriage and themself in that situation.

[Chi townD]

I kinda get the feeling that OP doesn't want to really go. But, her husband is insistent that she does. So, rather than make him any angrier than what he already is, she's going to comply with his wishes. What ever he wants.

 

 

I think her going to the wedding is going to cause more problems than any good.

[merrmeade]

If either of those are true it will be a lesson learned. This isn't a case of her emailing or deciding to meet up with him for a "closure" speech. She can have boundaries in place for not doing that. She can make sure she is never alone. this didn't just happen last week. Time has passed.

Have you read what all these scarred veterans have been posting since the cavalry arrived?? (I'm not in their league either if that helps. ) They can't do it! It'll kill him (her H) and/or the marriage.

 

It is just not okay to be encouraging this fairly clueless couple to do all these things because theoretically it kinda sounds from her erstwhile posts on LS like maybe she's getting her sh-t together. This is about real people in real situations they're going to face. You can't sit back and say glibly, oh, "it will be a lesson learned" and not to worry, she "can have boundaries in place for not doing that" and " make sure she is never alone." A "lesson learned" is too late.

 

There's no assuming they'll be fine since she has barely begun to act like an adult in this situation. We are moving from completely clueless to maybe, just maybe listening to real advice and caring about her husband enough to do something a little bit selfless and a little bit heroic, which would be a huge jump from the cute little "grizzly" posts on pages 1-3 of this thread, e.g.:

This needs a thread all it's own, lol. I don't have plans to keep him in my life. I'm saying that there will be times that we see each other, but not in a way I am planning or craving.

 

As far as the affair, I told H my feelings and urge to cheat and have a ONS. I steared clear of that guy and it has passed. The person I was with was someone that I met and fell for in a vulnerable time (not an excuse, it was still wrong). It was more emotional than anything.

At least, she knows when to 'steer clear' until 'it has passed' but "lol" about an EA, a PA or anything seems just a little disengenuous.

 

Spectre-type advice, tough love is in order seems to me...

Edited February 24, 2015 by merrmeade
cleaned up for "civility and respect" :S

[DKT3]

I kinda get the feeling that OP doesn't want to really go. But, her husband is insistent that she does. So, rather than make him any angrier than what he already is, she's going to comply with his wishes. What ever he wants.

 

 

I think her going to the wedding is going to cause more problems than any good.

 

Could be. Or maybe its a test to see if she will go knowing the AP will be there. Maybe he doesn't want to hold her back from something he feels she really wants. Maybe he wants her out of town because he has a girlfriend. I don't know. What I do know is he shouldn't be in the situation to make the decision for her. In my opinion its a non starter. If I had cheated on my wife and worked hard to repair the damage I would have never entertained the idea of going to a wedding of the sister of the woman I cheated with..

[Chi townD]

Could be. Or maybe its a test to see if she will go knowing the AP will be there. Maybe he doesn't want to hold her back from something he feels she really wants. Maybe he wants her out of town because he has a girlfriend. I don't know. What I do know is he shouldn't be in the situation to make the decision for her. In my opinion its a non starter. If I had cheated on my wife and worked hard to repair the damage I would have never entertained the idea of going to a wedding of the sister of the woman I cheated with..

 

 

I completely agree. The problem is, we need to make HER see that!

[Selfish]

I kinda get the feeling that OP doesn't want to really go. But, her husband is insistent that she does. So, rather than make him any angrier than what he already is, she's going to comply with his wishes. What ever he wants.

 

 

I think her going to the wedding is going to cause more problems than any good.

 

Maybe, but my point is she shouldn't decide for him. Just like I shouldn't have put my foot down and told my husband we had to drop all his friends and social events and weddings because "he" would be there.

 

It just would have been me calling the shots. So I respected his wishes, it was akward as heck, and then not so bad and then a non issue.

[Spectre]

Whether she is seen as calling the shots or not now is irrelevant. Her husband at one time called the shots, look how that ended up? It ended with her riding other dudes and then betraying him and cheating.

 

The problem is if she is even going to be thinking about going to the wedding or anywhere the OM might be, the best bet is to divorce. If you can't say no to your husband by now, after EVERYTHING? There is zero point for this marriage to continue.

 

To the OP: Make no mistake, despite anything your husband says you will only attend that wedding if it is what YOU want to do. If your H would get angry at you for avoiding this scum of another man then I think you just need to divorce. You have a husband who clearly doesn't learn lessons. He is the little kid who touches a hot stove, and then 4 seconds later touches it again only to be SHOCKED he got burned a second time.

 

So stand your ground: make him see you going to the wedding is not up for negotiation, it just plain is not going to happen. If he can't accept that then dude has issues and either wants to see you cheat again or just naively thinks you can be around this OM without any potential issues arising. Especially when people are known to drink friggin booze at weddings? It's so odd for him to want you there it almost makes me think he wants to divorce but doesn't have the guts to do it so he tries to shove you into this dudes arms.

Edited February 25, 2015 by Spectre

[harrybrown]

Have you finally gone NC with the OM?

 

If your H had an A, would you let him keep contact with his AP?

 

If you have some respect for your H, please help him by setting in place some boundaries so that he can maybe have a chance to heal.

 

Sometimes the pain comes back even after years. do not make him feel like your backup plan.

[road]

Her husband and I find it hard to call him a BH when he gave the green light for his WW to bang the OM for the first time.

 

 

Has shown that he is incompetent to make decisions prior to D day and post D day. His WW is faced with the responsibility to make the decisions in matters of recovery.

 

 

I am not surprised that their open marriage when down the drain.

 

 

I am surprised that many here are not citing how it happens all to often where the husband and wife decide to have an open marriage. The wife is not to keep secrets of who and when she is banging, that the wife can only bang a man that the husband is ok with, if the husband has to be there, and whatever ground rules are laid down.

 

 

Thing is time after time the OM wants more. The OM convinces the WW to break all the rules and they wind up having a full blown affair, keeping the BH in the dark, until the WW wants a divorce and move in with the OM.

[road]

Grizzly, to help us understand how did you wind up doing the OM?

 

 

Why did your BH say you have my blessings go for it?

 

 

Has you or your BH ever open up your marriage before this?

 

 

I would appreciate if you can paint us a story of how this came about. And who found out after about the first and second time you and the OM hooked up.